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The Perfect Evening
“So...” Starlight began, sipping her coffee. “How did it go?”
She and Trixie sat in one of Canterlot’s innumerable cafes. The little shop was bathed in the morning sun, a fact ignored by most of the clientele who were more interested in their coffee than the vista. Starlight always found it strange how ponies always wanted to sleep their way through dawn, but then she was a morning pony.
Trixie was not.
The showmare tossed her tangled mane and took a swig out of her mug. “I’m not sure that’s any of your business.”
Starlight rolled her eyes. “Trixie, I set you up with him. It’s entirely my business, besides we’re friends and gossip is the foundation of friendship.”
“I thought the foundation was magic?” Trixie shot back.
“Eh, only if you listen to Twilight, but what does she know?” Starlight shrugged. “Now come-on, give me all the juicy details.”
Trixie sighed and took another gulp of her pitch black coffee. “Oh, very well, if you must. Sugar Rush was... interesting, how did you say you knew him again?”
“He’s a friend of Pinkie,” Starlight said, and then added hastily. “And yes, that covers half of Equestria, but he’s some kind of event planner.”
“Specifically a confectioner.” Trixie sighed. “Honestly, I thought I requested my date be magical.”
Starlight arched an eyebrow at her. “The last time I set you up with a magician you two got into a magical duel and a bystander got turned into a frog. You’re lucky saving the world buys you a few favours.”
“Bah, he was a hack.”
“And until we find somepony to match your ‘skills’ we’ll have to settle. Now, go on, you at least got to the restaurant this time?”
“Yes, and you’ll be happy to know that despite the unique food Trixie did actually enjoy herself.” The mare sighed. “Though Sugar Rush seemed overly keen to tell me all about his recipes. The stallion talked faster than Flim and Flam.”
“Wow, somepony got a word in edgewise, I’m impressed.”
Trixie glowered at her. “I’ll have you know that Trixie is a talented and subtle conversationalist.”
“You’re talking in the third person again.”
“Shut up.” Trixie went to take another slug off coffee only to find the mug empty. She scowled at Starlight as if she was personally responsible. “Anyway, after being shocked and amazed by Trixie’s many exploits –”
“Exploit.” Starlight stuck her tongue out at her.
“At least I only nearly destroyed Ponyville. After being shocked and amazed, we went to this little chocolate shop nearby.”
“Second location, good sign.”
Trixie let out an annoyed huff. “He got into an argument with the shopkeeper and we ended up running from the guard with a pilfered box of chocolate.”
Starlight muffled an unladylike snort. “That good or bad?”
“Well, he was right about the bad mix, so let’s call that one a draw. Still, by then it was getting rather late so, of course, he walked me back to the hotel.”
“What!” Starlight beamed. “Really? Trixie that’s great. Then what happened?”
“Oh, umm.” Trixie began to fiddle with her mane. “Well, after sharing a chaste kiss I invited him back up to my room for a coffee. We continued talking long into the night, gazing into each other’s eyes and... you know how it is.”
“Seriously?” Starlight tried to interrupt but Trixie barrelled on with the story.
“So, as the night drew on we retreated to my bedroom. He said I looked looked beautiful under the moonlight and I giggled demurely, of course. I then fell into his passionate embrace, pressing his full and hearty body against mine.”
“Uh, Trixie...”
“We then fell into a sea of insatiable carnal passion. Our bodies burning as he did the... thing with the thing... going into the other thing with...” She shuddered. “Anyway, after a few dozen rounds of that we lay together in post coital bliss whispering sweet nothings into–”
“Trixie!”
She startled, finally catching the skeptical look Starlight was shooting her. “What?”
“While I admire your imagination,” Starlight said, though pursed lips. “What actually happened?”
“Hm, Trixie is a insulted that you don’t believe her capable of seducing a stallion.”
“Sorry, who is setting who up on blind dates? Come on, spill.”
Trixie sighed, glaring at her empty mug. “Fine... I panicked when he went for a goodnight kiss outside of the hotel, punched him in the mouth and ran for it.”
Starlight’s head hit the table.
“Damn it, Trixie! Agian?”
She and Trixie sat in one of Canterlot’s innumerable cafes. The little shop was bathed in the morning sun, a fact ignored by most of the clientele who were more interested in their coffee than the vista. Starlight always found it strange how ponies always wanted to sleep their way through dawn, but then she was a morning pony.
Trixie was not.
The showmare tossed her tangled mane and took a swig out of her mug. “I’m not sure that’s any of your business.”
Starlight rolled her eyes. “Trixie, I set you up with him. It’s entirely my business, besides we’re friends and gossip is the foundation of friendship.”
“I thought the foundation was magic?” Trixie shot back.
“Eh, only if you listen to Twilight, but what does she know?” Starlight shrugged. “Now come-on, give me all the juicy details.”
Trixie sighed and took another gulp of her pitch black coffee. “Oh, very well, if you must. Sugar Rush was... interesting, how did you say you knew him again?”
“He’s a friend of Pinkie,” Starlight said, and then added hastily. “And yes, that covers half of Equestria, but he’s some kind of event planner.”
“Specifically a confectioner.” Trixie sighed. “Honestly, I thought I requested my date be magical.”
Starlight arched an eyebrow at her. “The last time I set you up with a magician you two got into a magical duel and a bystander got turned into a frog. You’re lucky saving the world buys you a few favours.”
“Bah, he was a hack.”
“And until we find somepony to match your ‘skills’ we’ll have to settle. Now, go on, you at least got to the restaurant this time?”
“Yes, and you’ll be happy to know that despite the unique food Trixie did actually enjoy herself.” The mare sighed. “Though Sugar Rush seemed overly keen to tell me all about his recipes. The stallion talked faster than Flim and Flam.”
“Wow, somepony got a word in edgewise, I’m impressed.”
Trixie glowered at her. “I’ll have you know that Trixie is a talented and subtle conversationalist.”
“You’re talking in the third person again.”
“Shut up.” Trixie went to take another slug off coffee only to find the mug empty. She scowled at Starlight as if she was personally responsible. “Anyway, after being shocked and amazed by Trixie’s many exploits –”
“Exploit.” Starlight stuck her tongue out at her.
“At least I only nearly destroyed Ponyville. After being shocked and amazed, we went to this little chocolate shop nearby.”
“Second location, good sign.”
Trixie let out an annoyed huff. “He got into an argument with the shopkeeper and we ended up running from the guard with a pilfered box of chocolate.”
Starlight muffled an unladylike snort. “That good or bad?”
“Well, he was right about the bad mix, so let’s call that one a draw. Still, by then it was getting rather late so, of course, he walked me back to the hotel.”
“What!” Starlight beamed. “Really? Trixie that’s great. Then what happened?”
“Oh, umm.” Trixie began to fiddle with her mane. “Well, after sharing a chaste kiss I invited him back up to my room for a coffee. We continued talking long into the night, gazing into each other’s eyes and... you know how it is.”
“Seriously?” Starlight tried to interrupt but Trixie barrelled on with the story.
“So, as the night drew on we retreated to my bedroom. He said I looked looked beautiful under the moonlight and I giggled demurely, of course. I then fell into his passionate embrace, pressing his full and hearty body against mine.”
“Uh, Trixie...”
“We then fell into a sea of insatiable carnal passion. Our bodies burning as he did the... thing with the thing... going into the other thing with...” She shuddered. “Anyway, after a few dozen rounds of that we lay together in post coital bliss whispering sweet nothings into–”
“Trixie!”
She startled, finally catching the skeptical look Starlight was shooting her. “What?”
“While I admire your imagination,” Starlight said, though pursed lips. “What actually happened?”
“Hm, Trixie is a insulted that you don’t believe her capable of seducing a stallion.”
“Sorry, who is setting who up on blind dates? Come on, spill.”
Trixie sighed, glaring at her empty mug. “Fine... I panicked when he went for a goodnight kiss outside of the hotel, punched him in the mouth and ran for it.”
Starlight’s head hit the table.
“Damn it, Trixie! Agian?”
Huh. These two again already?
The phrasing’s off at times, but the story itself is an enjoyable one. Still, this is definitely a longer story that’s been freeze-dried to fit the word limit. I’d much rather see the date itself, then cut away from the front of the hotel to Trixie recounting what happened next. That or a back-and-forth, using Trixie as an unreliable narrator for the flashback scenes and cutting back to the cafe as Starlight interjects.
There’s definite potential here, but as is, it’s underutilized. I look forward to seeing what you can do without a word limit constraining you.
The phrasing’s off at times, but the story itself is an enjoyable one. Still, this is definitely a longer story that’s been freeze-dried to fit the word limit. I’d much rather see the date itself, then cut away from the front of the hotel to Trixie recounting what happened next. That or a back-and-forth, using Trixie as an unreliable narrator for the flashback scenes and cutting back to the cafe as Starlight interjects.
There’s definite potential here, but as is, it’s underutilized. I look forward to seeing what you can do without a word limit constraining you.
Echoing what FoME said here, but this is nice, enjoyable story. It's a fun read, and while there was a typo or two, and a few cases of misphrasing, it still didn't detract from the overall story.
I disagree with the word limit qualm. I agree that the potential is under untilized because of the word limit, but most stories here are. But for what this story is, and how it's done, I quite like it. I think the ending could have been better; I like the one liner, but I'm not sure how much I like that one liner in particular.
Overall, well-written, well-paced and put a goofy grin on my face. Great work!
I disagree with the word limit qualm. I agree that the potential is under untilized because of the word limit, but most stories here are. But for what this story is, and how it's done, I quite like it. I think the ending could have been better; I like the one liner, but I'm not sure how much I like that one liner in particular.
Overall, well-written, well-paced and put a goofy grin on my face. Great work!
HAH! I enjoyed this thoroughly! It's well planned and thought out. Hitting on points that make us truly enjoy the fandom in and out of the shows canon material. While it is still quite mature it lands very good points on the characters in the story. Trixie being a smart-mouthed trickster and Starlight being a helpful and knowledgeable friend. It hits the prompt well as it is actually the morning after with two ponies sharing coffee and Trixie, somewhat, acting out during what feels like a hangover. (Which we don't come to understand as guilt from her punching the colt in the face thus ruining the date until the end.) You really smoothed it out and made way for a comfortable plot that is both curiously entertaining and really delves into the lifestyle of ponies. Seeing as them being creatures they need affection and most likely need to reproduce to continue their society. Now that put aside. I felt this was somewhat adult like. Being that Starlight had to hook up Trixie and now only wanted the down and dirty, which once again turned out to be that she was making sure Trixie didn't punch her date for the (X) times however much she's dated. Rather than Trixie letting out the details on the naughty subjects. Nice twist there with Starlight keeping her head out of the gutter and turning the predictable around on your readers. Good story and high entertainment level.
Starlight, you're doing this wrong. The correct answer is obviously to lock her in the hamster-ball and roll her around until she capitulates and expresses her undying love for you.
Have I mentioned that Starlight locking Trixie in the hamster-ball is my favorite part of the finale?
Anyways, this story got a laugh out of me. Trixie talking in first-person was odd to me, but maybe that's how she talks now? I need to watch more S6 I guess. On the other hand, although this is a pretty good joke, that's basically all it's doing here.
Have I mentioned that Starlight locking Trixie in the hamster-ball is my favorite part of the finale?
Anyways, this story got a laugh out of me. Trixie talking in first-person was odd to me, but maybe that's how she talks now? I need to watch more S6 I guess. On the other hand, although this is a pretty good joke, that's basically all it's doing here.
Genre: Slice-of-life (humorous)
Thoughts: This shouldn't work as well as it does, being a story about a story. But it manages to nail the magic that that kind of setup can pull off. Trixie is a fun character to put in this kind of situation, and she was written brilliantly. I wasn't as sold on Starlight, though; I struggle to think of her as being this well-connected or socially adept, regardless of her close association with the Mane 6. But then I generally prefer a more awkward and self-effacing take on reformed!Starlight anyway, so I'll admit some of this might be personal bias.
Tier: Top Contender (note: I've realized that I'm dropping TC's like they're hot this round... so either I'm going to have to go back and make some adjustments, or I've just been blessed with The Boss Slate, and it'll be agony ranking them against each other.)
Thoughts: This shouldn't work as well as it does, being a story about a story. But it manages to nail the magic that that kind of setup can pull off. Trixie is a fun character to put in this kind of situation, and she was written brilliantly. I wasn't as sold on Starlight, though; I struggle to think of her as being this well-connected or socially adept, regardless of her close association with the Mane 6. But then I generally prefer a more awkward and self-effacing take on reformed!Starlight anyway, so I'll admit some of this might be personal bias.
Tier: Top Contender (note: I've realized that I'm dropping TC's like they're hot this round... so either I'm going to have to go back and make some adjustments, or I've just been blessed with The Boss Slate, and it'll be agony ranking them against each other.)
Not too shabby. The friendship between these two is shown relatively well here. The pacing fits the word length well enough, and takes us through a full plot arc, which is actually rarer than it should be in this contest. The "Oh no, not again" gag at the end was a little too cliched though.
You need to spell "Again?" right, and definitely italicize that word. I disagree with >>Xepher ; I wasn't expecting the trope so it didn't seem cliche, and I laughed.
Normally in a story like this I'd complain that "describing events via a conversation is a lazy way of telling a story; it'd be better to show"; then suggest you do cutaways from the conversation to actually show what happened. But in this case, it works, because the chemistry between the two characters is solid and really sells the story. Amazingly, I'd rather overhear this conversation than see the events as they unfold, and it's hard to do that properly despite the lower degree-of-difficulty that comes from being this telly. So, nice job.
I don't have much I could offer to improve the story, but I think it could use some tweaking in parts to make the conversation seem more natural (especially nearer the end).
Oh! Wait, I do have one suggestion. Paragraphs 2 and 3 are out of place. Those are the only places you're narrating value judgments to the reader. Everything else is simply describing the conversation. You should fix that, because it's a mistake to lean on telly narration at the beginning when it isn't necessary. Don't tell us Trixie isn't a morning pony: show us, and let us figure it out through the descriptions and bits of conversation... and so on.
Normally in a story like this I'd complain that "describing events via a conversation is a lazy way of telling a story; it'd be better to show"; then suggest you do cutaways from the conversation to actually show what happened. But in this case, it works, because the chemistry between the two characters is solid and really sells the story. Amazingly, I'd rather overhear this conversation than see the events as they unfold, and it's hard to do that properly despite the lower degree-of-difficulty that comes from being this telly. So, nice job.
I don't have much I could offer to improve the story, but I think it could use some tweaking in parts to make the conversation seem more natural (especially nearer the end).
Oh! Wait, I do have one suggestion. Paragraphs 2 and 3 are out of place. Those are the only places you're narrating value judgments to the reader. Everything else is simply describing the conversation. You should fix that, because it's a mistake to lean on telly narration at the beginning when it isn't necessary. Don't tell us Trixie isn't a morning pony: show us, and let us figure it out through the descriptions and bits of conversation... and so on.
This made me laugh. Very good characterization and pacing. The twist really made the story
This one got a laugh out of me, and it was entertaining and quite a pleasant reading.
At first, the social competence and self-assurance of Starlight caught me off-guard, but then this seem to be two friends a couple of years later (with Starlight having more friends and Trixie trying to kick the third-person habit) so I can roll with it without a second thought. I like the characterization and the dialogue felt alive and fizzy, which greatly contributed to my enjoyment fo the story.
More room to develop the idea would have been nice, but then this is something that happens to almost every entry in the write-off. You still managed a complete story in the available room, which is great.
Not at the top of my slate but still got a quite high rating.
At first, the social competence and self-assurance of Starlight caught me off-guard, but then this seem to be two friends a couple of years later (with Starlight having more friends and Trixie trying to kick the third-person habit) so I can roll with it without a second thought. I like the characterization and the dialogue felt alive and fizzy, which greatly contributed to my enjoyment fo the story.
More room to develop the idea would have been nice, but then this is something that happens to almost every entry in the write-off. You still managed a complete story in the available room, which is great.
Not at the top of my slate but still got a quite high rating.
Wow: innumerable.
Hah, that's what you can call “a punchline”.
This is a cute story, but it feels a bit clichéd. It’s like the characters behave exactly the way we expect them to behave. Your Trixie is nice, but somehow does not go beyond the Trixie everyone else could paint. That’s my main gripe here. Your Trixie is too much cardboard-cut. Give it more depth, and you’ll be more than fine.
Hah, that's what you can call “a punchline”.
This is a cute story, but it feels a bit clichéd. It’s like the characters behave exactly the way we expect them to behave. Your Trixie is nice, but somehow does not go beyond the Trixie everyone else could paint. That’s my main gripe here. Your Trixie is too much cardboard-cut. Give it more depth, and you’ll be more than fine.
I wasn't all that fond of this one. Starlight just didn't feel like Starlight to me. She just seemed pretty generic...and her take on friendship with the gossip was really unexpected. Trixie sounded more like herself, though the dialogue could probably use a bit of polishing to bring it out as much as possible in every line. I did enjoy Trixie's attempt to make up a better ending for the date, and her awkwardness even talking about it made the lie that much more amusing and obvious. It was pretty fun to overhear that conversation, but it just didn't feel like Starlight to me. Sorry to be so negative ><
The part where Trixie waxes poetic about the carnal thing going into the other thing is funny, but I agree with all the other commentators who would rather see the date itself. I was also unconvinced by the ending: I'm not sure I buy that Trixie would punch a stallion in the mouth and then run away (sounds more like what comedic panicking!Twilight would do), but I really don't buy Starlight bashing her head against the table and saying "Damn it Trixie!" (sounds more like something exasperated!Dash would do).
The Great
Fun. Snappy dialogue. I think this works well for post event relating story.
Trixie's depiction of sex is the funniest thing in this write-off I've read.
The Rough
Needs an editorial pass. Always run a spellcheck!
I don't think you land on the right story beat at the end. I'm not sure what the correcting actually is, but the facedesk/again isn't it as it simply brings the story full circle.
Fun. Snappy dialogue. I think this works well for post event relating story.
Trixie's depiction of sex is the funniest thing in this write-off I've read.
The Rough
Needs an editorial pass. Always run a spellcheck!
I don't think you land on the right story beat at the end. I'm not sure what the correcting actually is, but the facedesk/again isn't it as it simply brings the story full circle.
Okay, this was a fun one! I really don't know what else to say about it. Trixie and Starlight bounced off each other quite well, and the dialogue was entertaining. Two thumbs up!
“Eh, only if you listen to Twilight, but what does she know?” Starlight shrugged.
Besides how to house ungrateful, rehabilitated ex-villains in her luxurious friendship castle, with free room and board, while softballing lessons your way to justify keeping you under her roof? Oh, not much.
Much like Trixie's date, this story built to a climax that wasn't much of a payoff. That's disappointing, because I was really enjoying the character dynamic and the snappy dialogue between Trixie and Glimglam, even if I wanted to box Glimmy's ears for her remark at the beginning.
Right, guess its time for some retrospective. First of all, thanks everyone for your support on this story. I've been struggling to get anything written for a couple of months so its nice to get into the top ten with this one, even it it's just into the top ten. Thanks also for the comments: >>FanOfMostEverything >>ChappedPenguinLips >>Remedyfortheheart >>Not_A_Hat >>CoffeeMinion >>Xepher >>Trick_Question >>Shadowed_Song >>Orbiting_kettle >>Monokeras >>Kitcat36 >>Astrarian >>AndrewRogue >>TheCyanRecluse >>Posh
This was my second story written for the contest and only just squeaked over the finishing line. As such I'm aware there's more than a few spelling and grammar errors, though if we're honest, spelling and grammar errors are practically my MO at this point :P The basic idea for this one was to tell a 'morning after' story where the date was a disaster but the teller was trying not to admit it. It rather morphed in the writing into a bit of banter between Starlight and Trixie and Trixie, as usual, self-sabotaging to the best of her abilities.
A couple of people mentioned that the characters seemed a little off. I think in part this is because we don't have much canon or fanon for these two interacting but their roles in this story are also pretty generic. This story could have easily featured Rainbow Dash and Rarity without even having the change the final joke and that's a bad sign. This is, in part, due to the restricted word count as I cut a lot of the banter between these two to make it fit and the date really needed a lot more detail to work as its own story.
Still, I do think this one managed to be constantly funny and as these two are canon friends I've got to put them in a room together more often. Starlight's good natured jabs were my favorite thing to write this contest after Celestia's list of defeated foes.
To answer some specific comments.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Yeah, a flash back with an unreliable narrator would be a smoother way of doing this. Probably something for the short story contest though as this barely fit in the wordcount as is.
>>Not_A_Hat
The magic of friendshipping, everyone :P
>>CoffeeMinion
I'll admit that I've not been following this series that closely so my headcanon of Starlight is a bit off most likely. Personally I've found she tends to be witty, adroit and rather personable unless she actually has to make a serious decision, then it all goes to hell in a hand-basket. Kind of an anti-Twilight come to think about it.
>>Trick_Question
Good catch on the style change, I hadn't even noticed that myself.
>>AndrewRogue
Not depicted, my running around trying to figure out the acceptable rating on this site before the deadline ;)
>>Posh
Well, they bonded over their mutual defeat by Twilight Sparkle, you didn't expect her to get a fair hearing with this audience did you?
This was my second story written for the contest and only just squeaked over the finishing line. As such I'm aware there's more than a few spelling and grammar errors, though if we're honest, spelling and grammar errors are practically my MO at this point :P The basic idea for this one was to tell a 'morning after' story where the date was a disaster but the teller was trying not to admit it. It rather morphed in the writing into a bit of banter between Starlight and Trixie and Trixie, as usual, self-sabotaging to the best of her abilities.
A couple of people mentioned that the characters seemed a little off. I think in part this is because we don't have much canon or fanon for these two interacting but their roles in this story are also pretty generic. This story could have easily featured Rainbow Dash and Rarity without even having the change the final joke and that's a bad sign. This is, in part, due to the restricted word count as I cut a lot of the banter between these two to make it fit and the date really needed a lot more detail to work as its own story.
Still, I do think this one managed to be constantly funny and as these two are canon friends I've got to put them in a room together more often. Starlight's good natured jabs were my favorite thing to write this contest after Celestia's list of defeated foes.
To answer some specific comments.
>>FanOfMostEverything
I’d much rather see the date itself, then cut away from the front of the hotel to Trixie recounting what happened next.
Yeah, a flash back with an unreliable narrator would be a smoother way of doing this. Probably something for the short story contest though as this barely fit in the wordcount as is.
>>Not_A_Hat
The correct answer is obviously to lock her in the hamster-ball and roll her around until she capitulates and expresses her undying love for you.
The magic of friendshipping, everyone :P
>>CoffeeMinion
I wasn't as sold on Starlight, though; I struggle to think of her as being this well-connected or socially adept, regardless of her close association with the Mane 6.
I'll admit that I've not been following this series that closely so my headcanon of Starlight is a bit off most likely. Personally I've found she tends to be witty, adroit and rather personable unless she actually has to make a serious decision, then it all goes to hell in a hand-basket. Kind of an anti-Twilight come to think about it.
>>Trick_Question
Good catch on the style change, I hadn't even noticed that myself.
>>AndrewRogue
Trixie's depiction of sex is the funniest thing in this write-off I've read.
Not depicted, my running around trying to figure out the acceptable rating on this site before the deadline ;)
>>Posh
Besides how to house ungrateful, rehabilitated ex-villains in her luxurious friendship castle, with free room and board, while softballing lessons your way to justify keeping you under her roof?
Well, they bonded over their mutual defeat by Twilight Sparkle, you didn't expect her to get a fair hearing with this audience did you?