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Never Leave You Hangin'
Rainbow Dash awoke and lay still for some time, breathing uneasily and thinking of yesterday’s events: the assault on the castle with her companions... the offer... and what came afterwards. Slowly, she rose from the bed, her hooves touching down on the littered floor of the stone hall.
It's bright as day, she realized; perhaps this was all a dream? She looked out the window. No. The Moon was blank. The Mare was free. But that wasn't what transfixed Rainbow Dash in place. That sky, oh Celestia, that sky!
The Moon was a jewel in the center of a spectacular nebula, running all the way across the firmament, upon it a thousand glittering stars in spiral curlicues. Far from solid black, this sky was ruddy, ochre, violet...
"Is it not beautiful?" The voice spoke from behind Rainbow Dash, who gasped and twisted in place. There stood Nightmare Moon, proud and regal.
"I shudder to think of the dreadful displays," Nightmare Moon continued, her eyes towards the window, "to which my sister subjected Equestria, night after night. Even now you can see that my stars and moon are a fitting substitute for the Sun."
Abruptly Rainbow was struck with the realization that she'd never bask in the sun again. Her heart sank. No, oh no... Oh Celestia, what have I done?
"Captain Dash," Nightmare Moon said softly, and Dash's doubts wavered a little. "It is time." She moved aside, revealing a uniform folded neatly and placed atop a cushion. It was like the Wonderbolt uniform, but jet-black and purple like a reflection of the sky, and undeniably so very... awesome. A fair trade?...
"Put on your uniform, captain Dash, and then you shall swear an oath of loyalty to me."
At the mention of 'loyalty' Rainbow's mood changed instantly. Her body quivered, once, twice, then the tears dripped from her eyes as she breathed hard. No, no! This was a mistake! I promised we'd save them, how will I look into their faces, I must say I've changed my—
"Weeping, Dash? Really? How unbecoming of the captain of my personal guard," Nightmare Moon said mockingly, and Rainbow actually felt a twinge of shame. "I understand you're second-guessing your decision? I will dispel your doubts.
"Look out the window, Dash. See: the stars and the very Moon are my playthings. I was practically my sister's equal when we fought, and the millennium of banishment has done nothing to weaken me. And you hoped to overthrow me?" She laughed. "What hope did a team of weatherponies have against me? There was nothing at your disposal you could have used." (Rainbow blushed at the memory of their awkward attempts to hit Nightmare with a thunderbolt.) "This was inevitable. After day comes night; after Celestia's reign came... me. There was no use to struggle."
Rainbow felt her heart sink at these words—there was no chance?—but also something of a relief. So I haven't really squandered anything...
"Understand this, captain Dash: far from betraying your friends, you have saved them. Normally I'd have made an example out of rebellious minds who oppose me, but... I saw the potential in you. Courageous, fiery... and fast. When you agreed, it convinced me to show mercy for the rest of you and treat your excursion as nothing more but impulsive foolishness."
The short, pathetic battle was at an end. All her friends swatted out of the sky, Rainbow had rushed the tyrant in desperation, only to get paralyzed and held in mid-air.
"Brave," the Nightmare noted, looking her in the eye. "Foolish... but brave.
"Why are you a mere weatherpony, Dash?"
"You have not disgraced yourself; indeed you've elevated yourself, captain Dash," Nightmare continued. "I need only the best at my side. Under my tutelage, and with my magic, you shall live up to your full potential... And your name."
Name? Rainbow puzzled over what that meant, then went wide-eyed in shock. "The Sonic Rainboom," she whispered. "But that's only a myth. Nopony's ever—"
"Not for millennia," Nightmare responded. "But you may be the first of your era."
Rainbow's heart beat faster in her chest as she considered. Was it true? Could she really become as... as cool as that? "This..." She swallowed. "This actually sounds... kinda awesome."
"All I will expect from my captain of guard... and personal student," the Nightmare said, "will be... loyalty."
Rainbow stood still for a while, chewing her lip, pondering. "Ooookay..."
Reluctantly, she began putting on the uniform.
It's bright as day, she realized; perhaps this was all a dream? She looked out the window. No. The Moon was blank. The Mare was free. But that wasn't what transfixed Rainbow Dash in place. That sky, oh Celestia, that sky!
The Moon was a jewel in the center of a spectacular nebula, running all the way across the firmament, upon it a thousand glittering stars in spiral curlicues. Far from solid black, this sky was ruddy, ochre, violet...
"Is it not beautiful?" The voice spoke from behind Rainbow Dash, who gasped and twisted in place. There stood Nightmare Moon, proud and regal.
"I shudder to think of the dreadful displays," Nightmare Moon continued, her eyes towards the window, "to which my sister subjected Equestria, night after night. Even now you can see that my stars and moon are a fitting substitute for the Sun."
Abruptly Rainbow was struck with the realization that she'd never bask in the sun again. Her heart sank. No, oh no... Oh Celestia, what have I done?
"Captain Dash," Nightmare Moon said softly, and Dash's doubts wavered a little. "It is time." She moved aside, revealing a uniform folded neatly and placed atop a cushion. It was like the Wonderbolt uniform, but jet-black and purple like a reflection of the sky, and undeniably so very... awesome. A fair trade?...
"Put on your uniform, captain Dash, and then you shall swear an oath of loyalty to me."
At the mention of 'loyalty' Rainbow's mood changed instantly. Her body quivered, once, twice, then the tears dripped from her eyes as she breathed hard. No, no! This was a mistake! I promised we'd save them, how will I look into their faces, I must say I've changed my—
"Weeping, Dash? Really? How unbecoming of the captain of my personal guard," Nightmare Moon said mockingly, and Rainbow actually felt a twinge of shame. "I understand you're second-guessing your decision? I will dispel your doubts.
"Look out the window, Dash. See: the stars and the very Moon are my playthings. I was practically my sister's equal when we fought, and the millennium of banishment has done nothing to weaken me. And you hoped to overthrow me?" She laughed. "What hope did a team of weatherponies have against me? There was nothing at your disposal you could have used." (Rainbow blushed at the memory of their awkward attempts to hit Nightmare with a thunderbolt.) "This was inevitable. After day comes night; after Celestia's reign came... me. There was no use to struggle."
Rainbow felt her heart sink at these words—there was no chance?—but also something of a relief. So I haven't really squandered anything...
"Understand this, captain Dash: far from betraying your friends, you have saved them. Normally I'd have made an example out of rebellious minds who oppose me, but... I saw the potential in you. Courageous, fiery... and fast. When you agreed, it convinced me to show mercy for the rest of you and treat your excursion as nothing more but impulsive foolishness."
The short, pathetic battle was at an end. All her friends swatted out of the sky, Rainbow had rushed the tyrant in desperation, only to get paralyzed and held in mid-air.
"Brave," the Nightmare noted, looking her in the eye. "Foolish... but brave.
"Why are you a mere weatherpony, Dash?"
"You have not disgraced yourself; indeed you've elevated yourself, captain Dash," Nightmare continued. "I need only the best at my side. Under my tutelage, and with my magic, you shall live up to your full potential... And your name."
Name? Rainbow puzzled over what that meant, then went wide-eyed in shock. "The Sonic Rainboom," she whispered. "But that's only a myth. Nopony's ever—"
"Not for millennia," Nightmare responded. "But you may be the first of your era."
Rainbow's heart beat faster in her chest as she considered. Was it true? Could she really become as... as cool as that? "This..." She swallowed. "This actually sounds... kinda awesome."
"All I will expect from my captain of guard... and personal student," the Nightmare said, "will be... loyalty."
Rainbow stood still for a while, chewing her lip, pondering. "Ooookay..."
Reluctantly, she began putting on the uniform.
Hmm, not entirely sure how I feel about this.
On the one hand, this picked an ambitious concept to put at the center of its story. If I'm reading it right, this is a world where Rainbow never did the Sonic Rainboom, and she went up against Nightmare Moon with her weather team? So this is about Nightmare Moon talking her around? That seems like it's got a lot of potential to me, and some of it's definitely on display here.
However, there are a few pieces of the narrative that don't really feel right to me. This seems to fall after Rainbow made her decision. But... unless you're showing her robbed of agency or something like that, her conflict with her conception of loyalty is the central problem in the story. Putting her surrender before the story begins cripples that a little. You have her waking up and being somewhat rebellious before capitulating, but the fact that she's already fallen takes some of the sting out of that.
And that italicized bit in the center seems really unnecessary.
Great concept and ambitious ideas, but undercut by the execution.
On the one hand, this picked an ambitious concept to put at the center of its story. If I'm reading it right, this is a world where Rainbow never did the Sonic Rainboom, and she went up against Nightmare Moon with her weather team? So this is about Nightmare Moon talking her around? That seems like it's got a lot of potential to me, and some of it's definitely on display here.
However, there are a few pieces of the narrative that don't really feel right to me. This seems to fall after Rainbow made her decision. But... unless you're showing her robbed of agency or something like that, her conflict with her conception of loyalty is the central problem in the story. Putting her surrender before the story begins cripples that a little. You have her waking up and being somewhat rebellious before capitulating, but the fact that she's already fallen takes some of the sting out of that.
And that italicized bit in the center seems really unnecessary.
Great concept and ambitious ideas, but undercut by the execution.
Gonna agree:
With >>Not_A_Hat here. When lengthening this for FimFiction publication, author, maybe start the story earlier with Dash in the castle dungeon. Nightmare Moon arrives, takes her to the top of a tower, shows her the night, and makes her the offer. That way we can be in Dash's mind throughout the whole decision-making process. You can move the italicized part to the beginning, too, as Dash thinks about how she got to where she is.
Mike
With >>Not_A_Hat here. When lengthening this for FimFiction publication, author, maybe start the story earlier with Dash in the castle dungeon. Nightmare Moon arrives, takes her to the top of a tower, shows her the night, and makes her the offer. That way we can be in Dash's mind throughout the whole decision-making process. You can move the italicized part to the beginning, too, as Dash thinks about how she got to where she is.
Mike
As much as I like the description of the sky, it doesn’t sound a thing like Rainbow Dash.
Aside from that disconnect, this does what it sets out to do very well for the format. I’m a sucker for background information on the Starlight-spawned alternate timelines. However, once you have unlimited room, you’ll want to follow the others’ advice to flesh this out.
Aside from that disconnect, this does what it sets out to do very well for the format. I’m a sucker for background information on the Starlight-spawned alternate timelines. However, once you have unlimited room, you’ll want to follow the others’ advice to flesh this out.
This leaves me with a lot of questions because you aren't clear enough about who was actually with Dash.
In canon, Rainbow Dash knows she caused a Sonic Rainboom when she was just a filly. So I'm assuming that this story takes place in one of the worlds that Starlight Glimmer caused, and Dash was with other companions (which might make some sense)? I think we need more information to confirm that that's what you're referring to.
But then, the title doesn't make a lot of sense because it's a reference to something that never happened in this iteration, and the Nightmare did not tempt Dash in the same way she was originally tempted.
I'm okay with most of this, but I think it needs clarity to seem genuine.
In canon, Rainbow Dash knows she caused a Sonic Rainboom when she was just a filly. So I'm assuming that this story takes place in one of the worlds that Starlight Glimmer caused, and Dash was with other companions (which might make some sense)? I think we need more information to confirm that that's what you're referring to.
But then, the title doesn't make a lot of sense because it's a reference to something that never happened in this iteration, and the Nightmare did not tempt Dash in the same way she was originally tempted.
I'm okay with most of this, but I think it needs clarity to seem genuine.
I like the parallels between the universe you're implying here and the canon universe. Nightmare Moon broke free; Rainbow Dash and her friends pursued her to the castle; an offer of power and glory was made to Rainbow Dash in exchange for her betraying her friends. Alternate universe/timeline stories are rife with the opportunity to play with the reader's expectations, to establish parallels like that while at the same time weaving in a subtle wrongness to things. The basic outline of the way things are supposed to be is there, but that outline has been reinterpreted by the way things played out in this new reality.
That's what I was hoping for when I caught on to what was happening, but instead of "subtle wrongness," it was mostly just "confusing wrongness." I agree with my esteemed colleagues about clarifying exactly what the hell is happening. But I also suggest that you think about the parallels you're playing with between Evil!Dashie's reality and the reality established in Mare In The Moon.
Also, nitpick, but when you address someone by their rank, you capitalize it. So it'd be "Captain Dash."
That's what I was hoping for when I caught on to what was happening, but instead of "subtle wrongness," it was mostly just "confusing wrongness." I agree with my esteemed colleagues about clarifying exactly what the hell is happening. But I also suggest that you think about the parallels you're playing with between Evil!Dashie's reality and the reality established in Mare In The Moon.
Also, nitpick, but when you address someone by their rank, you capitalize it. So it'd be "Captain Dash."
Read the title and couldn't get Rick Astley out of my head, so thanks for that.
Parallel "what if" stories are always fun. I like the enhanced nighttime that comes with Luna/Nightmare Moon's return and I think it's something we don't see enough of, canonically or otherwise. It's oddly kind, yet fitting I think, for Nightmare to relieve Dash's feelings of betrayal. Can't have officers doubting their place in things, after all. A few missing capitals and a missing end-quote ("I will dispel your doubts.) but nothing that kills the mood.
There's the hint of a greater lesson in here about loyalty sometimes meaning taking a hit for the team (joining the Dark Side to keep her friends alive in this case), but digging it out seems like a task for another tale.
Parallel "what if" stories are always fun. I like the enhanced nighttime that comes with Luna/Nightmare Moon's return and I think it's something we don't see enough of, canonically or otherwise. It's oddly kind, yet fitting I think, for Nightmare to relieve Dash's feelings of betrayal. Can't have officers doubting their place in things, after all. A few missing capitals and a missing end-quote ("I will dispel your doubts.) but nothing that kills the mood.
There's the hint of a greater lesson in here about loyalty sometimes meaning taking a hit for the team (joining the Dark Side to keep her friends alive in this case), but digging it out seems like a task for another tale.
A little confused here. Not sure if this is alt-reality from Starlight Glimmer's meddling, or just standard AU where Dash took the offer to be a Shadowbolt. Like Rao says though, it could use a stronger punch. It seems like "Loiyalty" is the underlying theme, but that needs to be focused on stronger. I want to a clearer picture of how Loyalty chooses to side with Nightmare Moon. "Evil" is always best when its motivations are clear and logical. Seeing a Dash that is convinced (for real reasons) to choose differently would be great. As it sits, the reasoning is a little fuzzy, and we only see Dash/NMM justifying her choice after the fact.
The Great
Solid concept.
The Rough
I can't quite put my finger on it, but something feels... inconsistent? Maybe Rainbow Dash's voice, maybe just the narrative tone? But something really kicked me out of the story. Apologies for not being super helpful with this one, but I can't personally identify what it was at the moment.
Middle section is definitely unnecessary and should be cut. Similarly, the parenthetical statement should be cut as well. Much as I love me some parentheses, they look really awkward in most narrative works. If you really want to keep it, make it an aside and offset it via en dashes or such.
Solid concept.
The Rough
I can't quite put my finger on it, but something feels... inconsistent? Maybe Rainbow Dash's voice, maybe just the narrative tone? But something really kicked me out of the story. Apologies for not being super helpful with this one, but I can't personally identify what it was at the moment.
Middle section is definitely unnecessary and should be cut. Similarly, the parenthetical statement should be cut as well. Much as I love me some parentheses, they look really awkward in most narrative works. If you really want to keep it, make it an aside and offset it via en dashes or such.
Genre: AU, baby
Thoughts: >>Xepher articulates my biggest question, which is about the parameters of this AU. Don't get me wrong, I myself have a long running Nightmare AU fic co-starring Dashie, so I'm down for it. But the early bit here feels so much like a vanilla-verse where Dash accepted the Shadowbolt temptation, and I thought it was going to keep building a strong story there. Unfortunately, the swerve into a GlimGlam-verse both muddied things and ate up precious word count, which left little room for an actual story.
I think there's plenty of potential here. Flashbacks and retrospectives can be a valid way to frame a story. It just needs more words so that it can get to a higher Story-To-Framing Ratio (TM & copyright 2016 CoffeeMinion Industries LLC, some rights reserved).
Tier: Needs Work
Thoughts: >>Xepher articulates my biggest question, which is about the parameters of this AU. Don't get me wrong, I myself have a long running Nightmare AU fic co-starring Dashie, so I'm down for it. But the early bit here feels so much like a vanilla-verse where Dash accepted the Shadowbolt temptation, and I thought it was going to keep building a strong story there. Unfortunately, the swerve into a GlimGlam-verse both muddied things and ate up precious word count, which left little room for an actual story.
I think there's plenty of potential here. Flashbacks and retrospectives can be a valid way to frame a story. It just needs more words so that it can get to a higher Story-To-Framing Ratio (TM & copyright 2016 CoffeeMinion Industries LLC, some rights reserved).
Tier: Needs Work
I have to give this one points for bravery: alt-universe is a risky move for a minific, with so little space to fully set up the differences from the actual show canon. I think this story suffers a little from that. There are a lot of questions left without answers or even hints, and now that you've started, I really want to know about them but there just isn't space to cover in 750 words. In an unfortunate irony, I'm kinda left feeling hanging.
I like the concept, but it just screams for something longer and more involved than I think is possible to cram into minific material.
I also don't really like the flashback scene in italics. It kind of breaks up the main scene that's going on, and I think that extra bit of reclaimed wordcount that could have been gained by omitting it could have been put back into the main scene to help at least a little with fleshing out more of that ambitious alt-universe premise.
I like the concept, but it just screams for something longer and more involved than I think is possible to cram into minific material.
I also don't really like the flashback scene in italics. It kind of breaks up the main scene that's going on, and I think that extra bit of reclaimed wordcount that could have been gained by omitting it could have been put back into the main scene to help at least a little with fleshing out more of that ambitious alt-universe premise.
Thanks to everyone for the comments.
Wow. I thought I had managed to make the story dark and moody, but re-reading it now, it feels pretty trite. No wonder it took only 22nd place. There's one or two lines that I like, but if I ever decide to publish this, you can expect it to get completely rewritten.
I see that I've managed to confuse a lot of people with what the setting is... I tried dropping a few hints, but it seems that wasn't enough. As others have suggested, this is meant to be the Nightmare!verse from "The Cutie Re-Mark". The bit at the very end, where Nightmare Moon promises to teach Rainbow Dash the lost art of the Rainboom (this admittedly feels somewhat awkward and forced), was put in solely to provide a hint as to which universe this is.
The story was originally conceived as an AU where Rainbow accepted the Shadowbolt temptation, but I couldn't figure out a way to make it truly work because 1) the Shadowbolts are implied to be just an illusion anyway, and 2) there was no way -- at least, none I could think of in the limited time -- that the baseline universe Rainbow would betray her friends from Ponyville like that; especially for some lame, edgy Wonderbolts knockoff popping up out of nowhere in the middle of spooky woods.
At the last moment, I realized that the solution was obvious -- the canon provided a very fitting alternate universe right there.
The assumption is that in this continuity, Rainbow (having never caused the Rainboom and gotten the whole gang together) presumably didn't grow up to be as fiercely loyal as she is in the canon universe. (Although she's no less spunky and impulsive -- certainly enough to assault a godlike conqueror with nothing but a weatherpony team, and with enough force of personality to get her companions to go along with this plan!). What's more, she presumably felt frustrated all her life, feeling that she wasn't living up to her potential and that there was some sort of a grand destiny she hadn't yet achieved. Hence why she could plausibly accept Nightmare Moon's offer.
>>Trick_Question
The title sucks >:P It doesn't even make sense because it's way too informal for the subject matter. Dash could say that to a friend, but I can't see her saying something like that to someone she fears more than respects. I like fancy titles but didn't have time to come up with anything good before the deadline. My first idea was simply "Undying Loyalty" and I should've just gone with that instead.
>>Rao
That's because she's continuing her dialogue in the next paragraph. As far as I know it's within the rules of English punctuation (see "multiple paragraphs" here.)
Wow. I thought I had managed to make the story dark and moody, but re-reading it now, it feels pretty trite. No wonder it took only 22nd place. There's one or two lines that I like, but if I ever decide to publish this, you can expect it to get completely rewritten.
I see that I've managed to confuse a lot of people with what the setting is... I tried dropping a few hints, but it seems that wasn't enough. As others have suggested, this is meant to be the Nightmare!verse from "The Cutie Re-Mark". The bit at the very end, where Nightmare Moon promises to teach Rainbow Dash the lost art of the Rainboom (this admittedly feels somewhat awkward and forced), was put in solely to provide a hint as to which universe this is.
The story was originally conceived as an AU where Rainbow accepted the Shadowbolt temptation, but I couldn't figure out a way to make it truly work because 1) the Shadowbolts are implied to be just an illusion anyway, and 2) there was no way -- at least, none I could think of in the limited time -- that the baseline universe Rainbow would betray her friends from Ponyville like that; especially for some lame, edgy Wonderbolts knockoff popping up out of nowhere in the middle of spooky woods.
At the last moment, I realized that the solution was obvious -- the canon provided a very fitting alternate universe right there.
The assumption is that in this continuity, Rainbow (having never caused the Rainboom and gotten the whole gang together) presumably didn't grow up to be as fiercely loyal as she is in the canon universe. (Although she's no less spunky and impulsive -- certainly enough to assault a godlike conqueror with nothing but a weatherpony team, and with enough force of personality to get her companions to go along with this plan!). What's more, she presumably felt frustrated all her life, feeling that she wasn't living up to her potential and that there was some sort of a grand destiny she hadn't yet achieved. Hence why she could plausibly accept Nightmare Moon's offer.
>>Trick_Question
But then, the title doesn't make a lot of sense because it's a reference to something that never happened in this iteration, and the Nightmare did not tempt Dash in the same way she was originally tempted.
The title sucks >:P It doesn't even make sense because it's way too informal for the subject matter. Dash could say that to a friend, but I can't see her saying something like that to someone she fears more than respects. I like fancy titles but didn't have time to come up with anything good before the deadline. My first idea was simply "Undying Loyalty" and I should've just gone with that instead.
>>Rao
a missing end-quote ("I will dispel your doubts.)
That's because she's continuing her dialogue in the next paragraph. As far as I know it's within the rules of English punctuation (see "multiple paragraphs" here.)
>>JudgeDeadd
I've known that rule, but I see it used so infrequently that it seems totally unnatural to me. While tempted to use it, I suspect other readers might be confused, so I avoid doing it.
However, it hasn't come up much in my fiction because I never have a character speak for more than a paragraph without interspersing some action in order to break up the speech. Breaking up the speech with small action or carry elements makes dialogue feel more natural and evocative to me. If a character is truly giving a long speech on a topic that requires the reader's total focus, that's a different situation.
(For an example of how I do it, see the second chapter of the Fimfiction version of my gold-winning fic, The Price of a Smile. It happens a few times in the second-half of the chapter.)
I'm not saying my approach is better, by any means. Just that it's a different approach.
That's because she's continuing her dialogue in the next paragraph. As far as I know it's within the rules of English punctuation...
I've known that rule, but I see it used so infrequently that it seems totally unnatural to me. While tempted to use it, I suspect other readers might be confused, so I avoid doing it.
However, it hasn't come up much in my fiction because I never have a character speak for more than a paragraph without interspersing some action in order to break up the speech. Breaking up the speech with small action or carry elements makes dialogue feel more natural and evocative to me. If a character is truly giving a long speech on a topic that requires the reader's total focus, that's a different situation.
(For an example of how I do it, see the second chapter of the Fimfiction version of my gold-winning fic, The Price of a Smile. It happens a few times in the second-half of the chapter.)
I'm not saying my approach is better, by any means. Just that it's a different approach.
>>JudgeDeadd
Don't worry, I will always write a fic that will finish worse than yours! :P
No wonder it took only 22nd place.
Don't worry, I will always write a fic that will finish worse than yours! :P