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Sore Loser
“Ugggghhhh.” Rainbow Dash groaned from most of the way under her blanket. “My everything hurts,” she complained, in a drier, raspier voice than usual. It was too early and wanting to get out of bed was hard, but the soreness was making it even harder to sleep. Also, she knew she’d have to pee soon.
The covers were all messed up in a twist, after a night filled with tossing and turning driven by restless anger. She shoved them off, leaving them in a heap at the foot of the bed. It could be made later. Maybe. If she got to it. Or not. Whatever.
She rolled off the mattress. Lying down, she had merely felt discomfort. Standing made her feel like she’d been hit by a wrecking ball. She winced. Her walk to the kitchen had a distinct limp.
The first stop was the coffeemaker.
Overexertion, she ruminated, is the gift that keeps on giving—the sweat, the exhaustion, the muscle soreness. Especially the muscle soreness. The morning after was always the worst. Only one thing helped her even want to be alive on mornings like this.
While it brewed, she sat resting her head on the kitchen table, letting tangled rainbow bedmane cover her face. Under the colorful veil, the steady, soft noise of the coffeemaker was almost relaxing enough to fall asleep again to.
Almost.
It was done just a little too quickly for her to really zonk out.
She poured jet-black liquid into a tall mug, watching it steam. This stuff wasn’t too great by itself. Usually she’d toss in about four things of creamer and plenty of sugar. Sometimes ponies who got huffy about dumb things like that accused her of having no taste, but she always countered that this was the only way coffee ever had any taste.
Not today, though. This was not a cream-and-sugar kind of morning.
This was a black kind of morning. The clouds she could see through the window thought so too, in flat sheets of grey that covered the sky in a blanket of gloom. It wasn’t supposed to rain today, according to the weather schedule, but it wasn’t going to be nice.
Good.
If she didn’t get to feel nice, why should anypony else?
Especially, say, Applejack.
Yeah. Applejack definitely shouldn’t.
She glowered and sipped her coffee. It was still too hot. Untempered bitterness flooded her mouth. Even after she swallowed, it was slow to fade from her tongue.
She grimaced, then slurped down more. It was good practice for the pride she’d have to swallow when she went to go hoof over what she owed that lousy tree-kicking farmpony.
She still couldn’t believe it. A bushel of Sweet Apple Acres’ best against two dozen of Roseluck’s tastiest longstems... and she lost. She, Rainbow Dash, lost!
And now she had to be seen buying flowers. Sure, they were just the eating kind, not the sappy lovey stuff kind, but it was the principle, right? Rainbow Dash doesn’t buy other ponies flowers. She just doesn’t.
Only now she does.
Well, that’s what she got for making the mistake of letting Applejack choose something that favored strength, instead of speed.
It was almost enough to make her want to accuse little miss applebucker of cheating, but she knew better. There wasn’t anything cheating about choosing the game. Getting salty like that was just being a jerk.
She was a hothead, sure, but she didn’t want to be a jerk if she could help it.
Anyway, Applejack had played just as hard for just as many hours. She’d be sore, too... and unlike Rainbow, who had the day off, AJ had to work.
So who really had the worse deal?
Just then, a beam of sunlight broke through the clouds and spilled onto Rainbow. For a brief moment, before the clouds closed again and it faded, everything was bright and cheerful.
She suddenly felt like the sun had just given her a knowing wink.
It was like Celestia herself was saying, “Sure, your morning sucks now, but it’ll pass. It’s gonna get better. Just watch.” Only Celestia wouldn’t say ‘sucks’, or talk like that at all, really. What she’d say instead would mean the same thing, probably, but a lot more formal and cultured.
But still, it made her feel better.
Finally, she couldn’t help it. A smile cracked on her face—just a little one.
Yeah.
Alright.
Maybe it wasn’t so bad.
Maybe that coffee could use some cream after all.
The covers were all messed up in a twist, after a night filled with tossing and turning driven by restless anger. She shoved them off, leaving them in a heap at the foot of the bed. It could be made later. Maybe. If she got to it. Or not. Whatever.
She rolled off the mattress. Lying down, she had merely felt discomfort. Standing made her feel like she’d been hit by a wrecking ball. She winced. Her walk to the kitchen had a distinct limp.
The first stop was the coffeemaker.
Overexertion, she ruminated, is the gift that keeps on giving—the sweat, the exhaustion, the muscle soreness. Especially the muscle soreness. The morning after was always the worst. Only one thing helped her even want to be alive on mornings like this.
While it brewed, she sat resting her head on the kitchen table, letting tangled rainbow bedmane cover her face. Under the colorful veil, the steady, soft noise of the coffeemaker was almost relaxing enough to fall asleep again to.
Almost.
It was done just a little too quickly for her to really zonk out.
She poured jet-black liquid into a tall mug, watching it steam. This stuff wasn’t too great by itself. Usually she’d toss in about four things of creamer and plenty of sugar. Sometimes ponies who got huffy about dumb things like that accused her of having no taste, but she always countered that this was the only way coffee ever had any taste.
Not today, though. This was not a cream-and-sugar kind of morning.
This was a black kind of morning. The clouds she could see through the window thought so too, in flat sheets of grey that covered the sky in a blanket of gloom. It wasn’t supposed to rain today, according to the weather schedule, but it wasn’t going to be nice.
Good.
If she didn’t get to feel nice, why should anypony else?
Especially, say, Applejack.
Yeah. Applejack definitely shouldn’t.
She glowered and sipped her coffee. It was still too hot. Untempered bitterness flooded her mouth. Even after she swallowed, it was slow to fade from her tongue.
She grimaced, then slurped down more. It was good practice for the pride she’d have to swallow when she went to go hoof over what she owed that lousy tree-kicking farmpony.
She still couldn’t believe it. A bushel of Sweet Apple Acres’ best against two dozen of Roseluck’s tastiest longstems... and she lost. She, Rainbow Dash, lost!
And now she had to be seen buying flowers. Sure, they were just the eating kind, not the sappy lovey stuff kind, but it was the principle, right? Rainbow Dash doesn’t buy other ponies flowers. She just doesn’t.
Only now she does.
Well, that’s what she got for making the mistake of letting Applejack choose something that favored strength, instead of speed.
It was almost enough to make her want to accuse little miss applebucker of cheating, but she knew better. There wasn’t anything cheating about choosing the game. Getting salty like that was just being a jerk.
She was a hothead, sure, but she didn’t want to be a jerk if she could help it.
Anyway, Applejack had played just as hard for just as many hours. She’d be sore, too... and unlike Rainbow, who had the day off, AJ had to work.
So who really had the worse deal?
Just then, a beam of sunlight broke through the clouds and spilled onto Rainbow. For a brief moment, before the clouds closed again and it faded, everything was bright and cheerful.
She suddenly felt like the sun had just given her a knowing wink.
It was like Celestia herself was saying, “Sure, your morning sucks now, but it’ll pass. It’s gonna get better. Just watch.” Only Celestia wouldn’t say ‘sucks’, or talk like that at all, really. What she’d say instead would mean the same thing, probably, but a lot more formal and cultured.
But still, it made her feel better.
Finally, she couldn’t help it. A smile cracked on her face—just a little one.
Yeah.
Alright.
Maybe it wasn’t so bad.
Maybe that coffee could use some cream after all.
Nice, self-contained character piece. You got the personality right, you used the available space well and the story flowed smoothly.
Nothing much to say aside from good job.
Nothing much to say aside from good job.
Heh, nice work. There were a few ticks in the wording that felt off to me, like "messed up in a twist" (messed up makes me think spread out while twist makes me think compacted?) but on the whole, this was a fairly smooth read.
I'm not entirely sure I buy Rainbow's change of attitude at the end; sure, the sunbeam helps, but it seems a little fast and sharp. Not quite enough to give me whiplash, but if you hadn't done as well as you did with voicing her, it might have.
Overall, very nice, but not quite perfect.
I'm not entirely sure I buy Rainbow's change of attitude at the end; sure, the sunbeam helps, but it seems a little fast and sharp. Not quite enough to give me whiplash, but if you hadn't done as well as you did with voicing her, it might have.
Overall, very nice, but not quite perfect.
Genre: Coffee pr0n
Thoughts: Seriously, this should carry a warning about triggering coffee cravings. :-p
Beyond that, it's a cozy character piece that gives us just shy of enough background information to be satisfying. The ending bit was a little too convenient as well. But overall this was well done, and I think it's going to shine bright if it gets some more words as a story on FimFiction.
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: Seriously, this should carry a warning about triggering coffee cravings. :-p
Beyond that, it's a cozy character piece that gives us just shy of enough background information to be satisfying. The ending bit was a little too convenient as well. But overall this was well done, and I think it's going to shine bright if it gets some more words as a story on FimFiction.
Tier: Strong
You’ve captured early morning Dash to a T, and you’ve compressed quite a lot of information into a little space without making it feel too rushed. I feel the beginning is the weakest bit with its redundant saidisms. The attitude adjustment at the end does feel a bit abrupt, but I can see how Dash was working her way up to that moment. In all, a fine little slice of life to go with the coffee.
Also, I love the double meaning of the title.
Also, I love the double meaning of the title.
"Tangled Rainbow Bedmane" is officially my new garage band name.
I like the story, but I would like some more shipping overtones, please. You were headed there with the roses but then you became a horrible docktease. Boo, author. Booooooo! :ajbemused:
I like the story, but I would like some more shipping overtones, please. You were headed there with the roses but then you became a horrible docktease. Boo, author. Booooooo! :ajbemused:
So... wonderfully well written. It captures Dash's voice and personality perfectly. The flow and pacing are both spot on, and the whole thing wraps nicely without feeling rushed. My complaint is only that the subject matter itself is about as as dull as possible. There was a "contest" and that's all we know. There's no character growth, no surprise, nothing to make us think. So now I find myself asking: "Is a near-perfect story about nothing better or worse than a flawed story with a much more intriguing premise?" I'm not sure. All I know is I want to see you write that more exciting premise at some point!
She poured jet-black liquid into a tall mug, watching it steam. This stuff wasn’t too great by itself. Usually she’d toss in about four things of creamer and plenty of sugar. Sometimes ponies who got huffy about dumb things like that accused her of having no taste, but she always countered that this was the only way coffee ever had any taste.
Not today, though. This was not a cream-and-sugar kind of morning.
This was a black kind of morning.
She's never going back, is she?
Maybe that coffee could use some cream after all.
D'oh.
I love it. I love the way you handle Dashie's voice and the way you make her untangle her feelings-knot. It doesn't necessarily "go" anywhere, but then again, I don't think this one really needs to, since it is, at its core, just a character's inner monologue.
And with Dashie, what you see is pretty much what you get, so I can forgive the lack of any twists and turns.
The Great
Best narrative voice I've seen this round. Super great capturing of RD.
The Rough
This feels a bit like the wrong scene. It is nice, but it also falters a bit by being reflection on what feels like a more interesting scene. Which is a common issue with minifics.
Could also use a bit of editorial cleaning, I feel.
Best narrative voice I've seen this round. Super great capturing of RD.
The Rough
This feels a bit like the wrong scene. It is nice, but it also falters a bit by being reflection on what feels like a more interesting scene. Which is a common issue with minifics.
Could also use a bit of editorial cleaning, I feel.
I enjoyed this one (I empathise with the awfulness of day-after muscle soreness so much...). However, I must be the odd one out, because I found RD's narrative voice uneven at the start. In particular the phrase, "Overexertion, she ruminated," is pretty jarring for a story from Dash's perspective.
There are so many places where I think you capture her wonderfully, especially later, but in the beginning you've got a fantastic voicing here:
and then you follow it up with
I guess we could argue about how often we think Dash would use a word like "countered", in fairness. But this would be stronger if it was less reflective regardless. "... but this was the only way coffee ever had any taste" works fine and is, I think, better than including 'but she aways countered with.' It's more direct, which is Dash's style, and more emphatic because it's concise.
The character voicing just especially stands out because of RD's awareness of it when she thinks about Celestia later in the story.
I digress. The story is still a great slice of life, and I don't think it would take long to polish it up. Nice work.
There are so many places where I think you capture her wonderfully, especially later, but in the beginning you've got a fantastic voicing here:
Sometimes ponies who got huffy about dumb things like that accused her of having no taste,
and then you follow it up with
"but she always countered that this was the only way coffee ever had any taste."
I guess we could argue about how often we think Dash would use a word like "countered", in fairness. But this would be stronger if it was less reflective regardless. "... but this was the only way coffee ever had any taste" works fine and is, I think, better than including 'but she aways countered with.' It's more direct, which is Dash's style, and more emphatic because it's concise.
The character voicing just especially stands out because of RD's awareness of it when she thinks about Celestia later in the story.
I digress. The story is still a great slice of life, and I don't think it would take long to polish it up. Nice work.
This is a great inner struggle, and as the others already pointed out, it goes a long way capturing RD’s mood.
However, like other stories this round, I find the change in her mindset too quick and sudden. She seems deeply resentful, and then a single ray of light turns her mindset round 100%.
And the form you choose, inner monologue, tends to make the story telly.
I’d like to see the same idea under the form of a dialogue between RD and AJ, with AJ talking RD round, and both making it up around a cup of coffee.
However, like other stories this round, I find the change in her mindset too quick and sudden. She seems deeply resentful, and then a single ray of light turns her mindset round 100%.
And the form you choose, inner monologue, tends to make the story telly.
I’d like to see the same idea under the form of a dialogue between RD and AJ, with AJ talking RD round, and both making it up around a cup of coffee.