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Keep Wanting
Violet Dreams gasped. “Captain Rainbow Dash?”
“Yeah,” Rainbow Dash said, unable to stop a grin from climbing up her cheeks. “Former Captain. That’s me.”
Violet dropped the shampoo bottle she was holding, then scrambled to pick it up and blushed. “Sorry, I just…” She stuffed it back in her locker, taking in a breath. “Gosh, it’s you. Wow.” She laughed, sitting down on the locker room bench. “What, uh, what are you doing here?”
“Oh, you know. Just looking around for the nostalgia and stuff,” Rainbow said, glancing down the hallway. “Had to make sure my medals were still out there in front of the Captain’s office.”
“Oh, right,” Violet said, snickering. “Yeah, they sure are. I walk past them every day.”
Rainbow walked into the dark locker room, inspecting the posters on the wall. “So whatcha thinking about?”
Violet blinked. “Huh?”
“Well, I mean, your head was down, you know,” Rainbow said, turning from the posters to Violet.
Violet bit her lip and looked down. “Yeah, I mean, I guess I didn’t have the best day out there training today. I’m not the worst flyer, but I’m also not the best.” She raised her head, brushing a stray strand of hair out of her face. “But, I’ll keep trying! Dedication is the key, right?”
“Right, dedication.” Rainbow Dash smiled. “Yeah. Never give up. All that stuff.”
Violet twiddled her hooves, looking past Rainbow at the darkening sky outside. “I don’t mean to overstep my bounds or anything, but is something wrong, Captain Dash?”
“Just Rainbow, please. And no, nothing’s wrong,” Rainbow said, sitting down on the bench next to Violet with a flat sigh. “I’m just tired, I guess.”
Violet scooted closer to Rainbow and smirked. “As the fastest pony in the world, probably feels good to slow down and rest, huh?”
Rainbow Dash stared at the floor. A door clicked shut out in the hallway, the noise echoing into the locker room. “Yeah,” Rainbow said, as if surprised to see Violet sitting next to her. “I guess so.”
Violet stared at her locker, at the small signed photograph of Rainbow Dash taped to the inside of the door. She reached forward and pushed the door inward, hiding the photo. Violet stared forward. “Don’t you like being famous?” Violet said, brushing her mane back behind her ear.
“Yeah, no, it’s great,” Rainbow Dash said, shrugging. “While it lasts. But the thing is, you get everything you ever dreamed of, and it’s like, what’s next?” She turned her hooves over and looked at them. “That part of my life is over now, and I’ve still got many years left. What do I do now? Write a book? That’s for eggheads.”
Rainbow chuckled and nudged Violet in the shoulder, but Violet’s chuckle was more nervous and softer than hers. “Yeah, eggheads.”
Rainbow nodded, looking forward at the wall of lockers. “Well, ponies move on, right? There are always new, up-and-coming young flyers that ponies get excited about. And that’s fine, that’s great that new ponies get the chance to be the best flyers. But it’s just, for those of us who’ve been there, it’s…” Rainbow covered her face with a hoof. “Good grief, I’m so selfish. I should be happy now that I have everything I ever wanted, but I’m not.
“It’s just that you don’t stop wanting, you know? And the better you get at flying, the more you want, and even when you’re the best in the world, the wanting doesn’t go away, you know? So, like, I’m not gonna tell you to stop wanting, ‘cause you won’t, but…” Rainbow sighed, swinging forward on the bench to stand on her hooves. “I dunno. I’m not sure why I said all this. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad, or, you know.”
Violet shrugged and looked at her knees.
Rainbow wiped the sweat from her forehead. “Gosh, I’ve said too much. Look, kid, um, all that matters is your passion, you know? You just have to keep trying, again and again. You just gotta wake up tomorrow morning, and, you know.” Rainbow patted Violet on the back. “Keep trying, okay?”
Violet looked up at Rainbow Dash. She pressed her lips together and nodded. “Okay.”
Rainbow frowned. “I’m sorry, kid.” With quiet hesitation, she swept Violet’s hair behind her ear and smiled, but Violet’s forced smile didn’t change. Rainbow pulled her hoof back. “Gotta go. Bye.”
Rainbow trotted briskly out of the locker room and into the empty hallway.
“Yeah,” Rainbow Dash said, unable to stop a grin from climbing up her cheeks. “Former Captain. That’s me.”
Violet dropped the shampoo bottle she was holding, then scrambled to pick it up and blushed. “Sorry, I just…” She stuffed it back in her locker, taking in a breath. “Gosh, it’s you. Wow.” She laughed, sitting down on the locker room bench. “What, uh, what are you doing here?”
“Oh, you know. Just looking around for the nostalgia and stuff,” Rainbow said, glancing down the hallway. “Had to make sure my medals were still out there in front of the Captain’s office.”
“Oh, right,” Violet said, snickering. “Yeah, they sure are. I walk past them every day.”
Rainbow walked into the dark locker room, inspecting the posters on the wall. “So whatcha thinking about?”
Violet blinked. “Huh?”
“Well, I mean, your head was down, you know,” Rainbow said, turning from the posters to Violet.
Violet bit her lip and looked down. “Yeah, I mean, I guess I didn’t have the best day out there training today. I’m not the worst flyer, but I’m also not the best.” She raised her head, brushing a stray strand of hair out of her face. “But, I’ll keep trying! Dedication is the key, right?”
“Right, dedication.” Rainbow Dash smiled. “Yeah. Never give up. All that stuff.”
Violet twiddled her hooves, looking past Rainbow at the darkening sky outside. “I don’t mean to overstep my bounds or anything, but is something wrong, Captain Dash?”
“Just Rainbow, please. And no, nothing’s wrong,” Rainbow said, sitting down on the bench next to Violet with a flat sigh. “I’m just tired, I guess.”
Violet scooted closer to Rainbow and smirked. “As the fastest pony in the world, probably feels good to slow down and rest, huh?”
Rainbow Dash stared at the floor. A door clicked shut out in the hallway, the noise echoing into the locker room. “Yeah,” Rainbow said, as if surprised to see Violet sitting next to her. “I guess so.”
Violet stared at her locker, at the small signed photograph of Rainbow Dash taped to the inside of the door. She reached forward and pushed the door inward, hiding the photo. Violet stared forward. “Don’t you like being famous?” Violet said, brushing her mane back behind her ear.
“Yeah, no, it’s great,” Rainbow Dash said, shrugging. “While it lasts. But the thing is, you get everything you ever dreamed of, and it’s like, what’s next?” She turned her hooves over and looked at them. “That part of my life is over now, and I’ve still got many years left. What do I do now? Write a book? That’s for eggheads.”
Rainbow chuckled and nudged Violet in the shoulder, but Violet’s chuckle was more nervous and softer than hers. “Yeah, eggheads.”
Rainbow nodded, looking forward at the wall of lockers. “Well, ponies move on, right? There are always new, up-and-coming young flyers that ponies get excited about. And that’s fine, that’s great that new ponies get the chance to be the best flyers. But it’s just, for those of us who’ve been there, it’s…” Rainbow covered her face with a hoof. “Good grief, I’m so selfish. I should be happy now that I have everything I ever wanted, but I’m not.
“It’s just that you don’t stop wanting, you know? And the better you get at flying, the more you want, and even when you’re the best in the world, the wanting doesn’t go away, you know? So, like, I’m not gonna tell you to stop wanting, ‘cause you won’t, but…” Rainbow sighed, swinging forward on the bench to stand on her hooves. “I dunno. I’m not sure why I said all this. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad, or, you know.”
Violet shrugged and looked at her knees.
Rainbow wiped the sweat from her forehead. “Gosh, I’ve said too much. Look, kid, um, all that matters is your passion, you know? You just have to keep trying, again and again. You just gotta wake up tomorrow morning, and, you know.” Rainbow patted Violet on the back. “Keep trying, okay?”
Violet looked up at Rainbow Dash. She pressed her lips together and nodded. “Okay.”
Rainbow frowned. “I’m sorry, kid.” With quiet hesitation, she swept Violet’s hair behind her ear and smiled, but Violet’s forced smile didn’t change. Rainbow pulled her hoof back. “Gotta go. Bye.”
Rainbow trotted briskly out of the locker room and into the empty hallway.
A nice little scene:
But I'd like some indication of "why here?" and "why now?" Is it Dash's birthday? The anniversary of one of her major accomplishments? Violet can know because she's a fan. And maybe Violet's really screwed up in training, or maybe she's just gotten the #4 assignment in the next show, a support position that she was expecting even though she'd really been hoping to get one of the flashier roles. Just make this conversation as fraught with implications for both ponies as you can, author--increase the stakes even though it's just a couple ponies sitting around talking--and you'll deepen the whole thing.
Mike
But I'd like some indication of "why here?" and "why now?" Is it Dash's birthday? The anniversary of one of her major accomplishments? Violet can know because she's a fan. And maybe Violet's really screwed up in training, or maybe she's just gotten the #4 assignment in the next show, a support position that she was expecting even though she'd really been hoping to get one of the flashier roles. Just make this conversation as fraught with implications for both ponies as you can, author--increase the stakes even though it's just a couple ponies sitting around talking--and you'll deepen the whole thing.
Mike
There's a double storm of uncertainty steaming from Violet and Dash and I dig it. Newbie meets hero only to have her dour mood remain after what would stereotypically be a good heart-to-heart. I would like to know a bit about the time relative to Dash's (presumed) retirement. Are we week 1 post-Wonderbolts, or a further ways down the line and she's feeling aimless? A little clue like that would help inform us in on the source of Dash's issue.
I have to agree with those before me; a bit more concrete data would go a long way to helping us understand Dash’s plight. How long has she been retired? How much is she feeling her age, however old that may be? Is there some special occasion, or just random melancholy? Why confide in a rookie Wonderbolt rather than her friends? Give us a bit more to work with and this will carry an incredible emotional impact.
It’s a nice piece of dialogue, and while your OC is a bit bland, RD comes across nicely. I know some people who would have a hard time retiring. So yeah, it’s not easy to give up, hang up the gloves and get off the ring.
And it's not easy to admit it either.
So, yeah, nicely done, though I must admit your portrait sets aside all her friends. she seems very much alone.
And it's not easy to admit it either.
So, yeah, nicely done, though I must admit your portrait sets aside all her friends. she seems very much alone.
Violet bit her lip and looked down. “Yeah, I mean, I guess I didn’t have the best day out there training today. I’m not the worst flyer, but I’m also not the best.” She raised her head, brushing a stray strand of hair out of her face. “But, I’ll keep trying! Dedication is the key, right?”
“Right, dedication.” Rainbow Dash smiled. “Yeah. Never give up. All that stuff.”
Also, get Big Mac as your flying coach. That helps a lot.
I can't help but feel as if Violet gets over her star-struckedness a little too quickly. She converses easily with Dashie after a moment of awkwardness, and Dashie, for her part, opens up to her way too easily.
Y'know when you meet someone you admire, and you can't help being star-struck and acting like an awkward mess of a bundle of nerves and embarrassing yourself with everything you say and do? That's how I'd expect Violet to act, especially given her initial bottle-droppies. You set her up as acting awkwardly in Dashie's presence, and I wish you'd kept that behavior consistent throughout the scene.
As for Dashie, it's not the fact that she opens up that throws me. It's that it's very... explicit would be the word, I suppose. I could see it working if their conversation was about something else entirely, and Dashie's real meaning (her doubts and self-reproach) were subtextual
The Great
A very novel take on the prompt.
Quite solid dialogue beats, particularly from Rainbow Dash.
The Rough
Echoing the above, the story feels... very disconnected from anything. I can generally piece together the sequence of events for Rainbow Dash, but, at some level, it feels a bit... unearned? I dunno, it just doesn't resonate well with me. Similarly, Violet's own emotional distress is something I have a bit of trouble connecting to. Ultimately, I guess this really feels like a scene trimmed out of a larger work, rather than a standalone piece.
A very novel take on the prompt.
Quite solid dialogue beats, particularly from Rainbow Dash.
The Rough
Echoing the above, the story feels... very disconnected from anything. I can generally piece together the sequence of events for Rainbow Dash, but, at some level, it feels a bit... unearned? I dunno, it just doesn't resonate well with me. Similarly, Violet's own emotional distress is something I have a bit of trouble connecting to. Ultimately, I guess this really feels like a scene trimmed out of a larger work, rather than a standalone piece.
This is a story about Rainbow Dash. Or is it?
Violet is a partial catalyst for what Rainbow Dash is saying, and she's an excuse for Dash to say things out loud rather than have the author paint her thoughts for us (as well as a sort of reflection of Dash's youth, although I don't think the story makes good use of that potential, because Violet isn't a strong flier). That conversation aspect makes the scene easier to write.
But there's a problem here, and that problem is that Violet has nothing to do with this story.
Violet could have been a poster, or a cloud, or a doorstop. She doesn't have a large enough role to justify her participation in the story, because she's shy, and only reacts in small ways in response to Dash's actions. Rainbow Dash is the one who approaches her, and forces a conversation to begin. Even though Dash is supposed to be Violet's hero, Violet doesn't seem enthusiastic.
So, the story leaves me wondering things about Violet, who she is, and what will happen to her. I'm left wondering why Violet's smile is still forced, and what she's feeling, and what she's thinking, none of which the story tells me. She becomes a distraction, because she's not really a character here, she's a prop. The story is about Dash, but the open questions I'm left with are all about Violet.
I think you need Violet to take a more active role in this story. For example, if you had Dash sitting around somewhere isolated, and Violet spots her, then approaches her to eagerly start a conversation that Dash didn't initially want to have, and Dash starts to break down during the conversation—then she'd have a role in the story that makes sense, and her character would be straightforward enough that we wouldn't be left wondering what's up with her and does she even really matter. It'd be obvious she's a typical fangirl, and the spotlight would be on Dash where it belongs.
Alternately, make her a doorstop.
Violet is a partial catalyst for what Rainbow Dash is saying, and she's an excuse for Dash to say things out loud rather than have the author paint her thoughts for us (as well as a sort of reflection of Dash's youth, although I don't think the story makes good use of that potential, because Violet isn't a strong flier). That conversation aspect makes the scene easier to write.
But there's a problem here, and that problem is that Violet has nothing to do with this story.
Violet could have been a poster, or a cloud, or a doorstop. She doesn't have a large enough role to justify her participation in the story, because she's shy, and only reacts in small ways in response to Dash's actions. Rainbow Dash is the one who approaches her, and forces a conversation to begin. Even though Dash is supposed to be Violet's hero, Violet doesn't seem enthusiastic.
So, the story leaves me wondering things about Violet, who she is, and what will happen to her. I'm left wondering why Violet's smile is still forced, and what she's feeling, and what she's thinking, none of which the story tells me. She becomes a distraction, because she's not really a character here, she's a prop. The story is about Dash, but the open questions I'm left with are all about Violet.
I think you need Violet to take a more active role in this story. For example, if you had Dash sitting around somewhere isolated, and Violet spots her, then approaches her to eagerly start a conversation that Dash didn't initially want to have, and Dash starts to break down during the conversation—then she'd have a role in the story that makes sense, and her character would be straightforward enough that we wouldn't be left wondering what's up with her and does she even really matter. It'd be obvious she's a typical fangirl, and the spotlight would be on Dash where it belongs.
Alternately, make her a doorstop.
Post by
Shadowed_Song
, deleted
I think Trick_Question hits the nail on the head. Violet here is "pointless" and that leaves the story lacking in impact. That said, I like what you did with Dash. I feel the same way in my life at the moment. I live in a place I love, own a nice house, have friends, make great money at a job I find easy, etc. I've "won" and yet, like Dash says, you never stop wanting more. The question is, what? So in that sense, this story really resonated with me, despite the fact that it could be tightened up a fair bit.
I asked a miser once, how much money was enough. "One more dollar," he said. "Just one more dollar."
This story feels a bit odd, and I think it's because Violet, who's not presented as the main character, is the pony who gets a plot arc. She starts out curious, moves to worried, and ends up somewhat depressed. RD, however, just kinda stays mopey the entire time.
This is kinda a problem though, because RD is the one who's making statements and drawing conclusions, and although Violet's changes in attitude are ostensibly a reflection of that, it's not really clear why/how she's reacting to get the actions she takes. I think you'd be best off either having Violet interact with RD more, or think about giving Dash more arc. Is RD coming to a conclusion? Is her attitude/feelings at the end different then the beginning? How? Why? If you know what you're doing with that, evaluate how Violet plays into it, and adjust her accordingly.
On the whole, though, it kinda reads nihilistically or even as a mild tragedy. Rainbow is clearly unhappy, but doesn't have an answer. And here she is, passing on her non-answer to a new generation, who's affected by her feelings but doesn't know what to do with it either.
This story feels a bit odd, and I think it's because Violet, who's not presented as the main character, is the pony who gets a plot arc. She starts out curious, moves to worried, and ends up somewhat depressed. RD, however, just kinda stays mopey the entire time.
This is kinda a problem though, because RD is the one who's making statements and drawing conclusions, and although Violet's changes in attitude are ostensibly a reflection of that, it's not really clear why/how she's reacting to get the actions she takes. I think you'd be best off either having Violet interact with RD more, or think about giving Dash more arc. Is RD coming to a conclusion? Is her attitude/feelings at the end different then the beginning? How? Why? If you know what you're doing with that, evaluate how Violet plays into it, and adjust her accordingly.
On the whole, though, it kinda reads nihilistically or even as a mild tragedy. Rainbow is clearly unhappy, but doesn't have an answer. And here she is, passing on her non-answer to a new generation, who's affected by her feelings but doesn't know what to do with it either.
>>Baal Bunny >>Rao >>FanOfMostEverything >>Monokeras >>Posh >>AndrewRogue >>Trick_Question >>Shadowed_Song >>Xepher >>Not_A_Hat >>CoffeeMinion
Thanks, everyone, for the feedback. I really appreciate it! :>
Thanks, everyone, for the feedback. I really appreciate it! :>
Okay, originally I wasn't planning to do a retrospective because I didn't see the use in it, but I don't know what to do with this story.
It's sort of a conundrum: people seem to suggest either making Violet more fleshed out as an OC, or for RD to come to a more resolute conclusion / have an arc. The problem I'm having is that I didn't intend for either of those things to be the focus. My intention was for RD to spill her problems on a pony she doesn't know but sees herself in, and not to come to a conclusion - I want the lingering feeling of RD's feeling of emptiness without actually resolving it (as depressing as it sounds).
The focus isn't really on Violet, but I felt she needed to be there, because RD sees herself in her, and she feels the need to pass on some advice to an up-and-comer like her, only to realize too late that her advice was more "here's what that thing you want is really like" when it was supposed to be the "work hard to acheive your dreams" stuff she's been spouting for her time being famous (side note: it's been years since retirement, but she still has "many years left" - i.e., she's about middle-aged). What I'm planning to put in here later (and should've put in here) is that she doesn't feel like her friends would understand because none of them really wanted or knew fame, hence why she says this to an aspiring Wonderbolt like she was.
I dunno. This is probably my responsibility to think about as the author, but any help would be appreciated.
It's sort of a conundrum: people seem to suggest either making Violet more fleshed out as an OC, or for RD to come to a more resolute conclusion / have an arc. The problem I'm having is that I didn't intend for either of those things to be the focus. My intention was for RD to spill her problems on a pony she doesn't know but sees herself in, and not to come to a conclusion - I want the lingering feeling of RD's feeling of emptiness without actually resolving it (as depressing as it sounds).
The focus isn't really on Violet, but I felt she needed to be there, because RD sees herself in her, and she feels the need to pass on some advice to an up-and-comer like her, only to realize too late that her advice was more "here's what that thing you want is really like" when it was supposed to be the "work hard to acheive your dreams" stuff she's been spouting for her time being famous (side note: it's been years since retirement, but she still has "many years left" - i.e., she's about middle-aged). What I'm planning to put in here later (and should've put in here) is that she doesn't feel like her friends would understand because none of them really wanted or knew fame, hence why she says this to an aspiring Wonderbolt like she was.
I dunno. This is probably my responsibility to think about as the author, but any help would be appreciated.