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The Dulling Effect
“What do we do, Adagio?” Sonata huffed out, looking to me for a clear answer. I could barely think let alone lead these two weaklings shuffling behind me at this moment. Aria was the last to enter the dirty alleyway. Adding her own insight to the current problem.
“Adagio, our gems…they’re-”
“I know!” it was a pant and a growl bursting out from my mouth. Aria didn’t need to say it and both imbeciles were looking for some kind of solution. This was a much bigger issue than I had ever anticipated. Being attacked and losing our chance for ultimate power was one thing, but losing our ability to sustain ourselves? To completely lose our ticket of decent living? This meant so much more than hypnotizing people to our control. It meant that shelter, food, clothing, and so much more were now out of our reach.
“How are we gonna-? Are we supposed to-?”
“I don’t KNOW! Arrrrg!” cold pavement. That is what my knees came into contact with at the acknowledgement of our downfall. The Rainbooms didn’t just defeat us. They sent us to our doom.
My fist felt warm. Slowly I opened it to glance at the trickling blood lacing my palm. Our precious gemstones, shattered. Brought down by a powerful force we had underestimated from the beginning. I watched a slice of pepperoni fall to the ground from my hair and then my cheeks felt that same warm sensation. Tears were flowing from the corners of my eyes and I turned to see my bandmates in turn weeping. Aria leaned on a dumpster for support with her hand clutched to her face and Sonata was faced against the brick wall sniffling the loudest. What was I supposed to do? We were as broken as our necklaces.
“Girls?” a voice called out and immediately. My only allies ran towards me in an attempt to protect themselves. Right when we had thought we lost them, we had been found once again.
“L-leave us alone!”
“Ladies, please! Don’t panic! I’m here to help.” this voice was calm and clearly belonged to one of the faculty’s staff. I recognized him, only from small moments when we had wandered Canterlot High.
“Discord? Hah!” I spouted laying claim to the despair.
“I saw what happened to you during your performance. It’s a tragedy.” Discord pulled something away from his pockets tossing them into the nearby dumpster. It was a pair of earplugs. He was unaffected by the spell becoming a witness to the entire event.
“You three deserve something better than that. For having the courage to be able to sing in front of such a rude audience. Thrust me, I know how hard it is to get accepted at school!” his words were rough, but sincere. Of course no one trusted the man. He was strange, always ranting on and on about pointless things, and to top it all off, was obnoxious towards other people. “I don’t know you, but I know this. No one has to put up with what you went through.”
“You can’t help us.” a sniffle followed as I refused to look at Discord. He watched the other two cowering girls and determined that I was speaking for the three of us. He rubbed his goatee and gave up.
“Fine then!-But my offer stands.” the moments afterwards were strange. Discord left us with nothing, but the effect of his words lingered. As if he had planted a string to our hands, we followed him. Curious to see something. Anything. Several seconds passed before I found him again turning down the road. Sonata and Aria grabbed onto my arms in tow with my movements.
Why was I following him? I had no reason to and I had shown him nothing but anger. Still I followed like a lost puppy. Did he know we were right behind him? He never shown any signs of sighting us or put up any sort of regards for his three stalkers. Several blocks away he took to some stone steps and entered a door. Unlocking it and turning on the light. The entrance was wide open. With it’s warm glow inviting us in. Determined, I ignore Sonata’s shake of her head.
"No!" Aria pleaded. I could not deny that I too felt like we didn't need his help. At this point we didn't seem to have a choice. Up the stone steps and into the light. Discord was waiting.
"Sudden Change of mind, girls?"
“Adagio, our gems…they’re-”
“I know!” it was a pant and a growl bursting out from my mouth. Aria didn’t need to say it and both imbeciles were looking for some kind of solution. This was a much bigger issue than I had ever anticipated. Being attacked and losing our chance for ultimate power was one thing, but losing our ability to sustain ourselves? To completely lose our ticket of decent living? This meant so much more than hypnotizing people to our control. It meant that shelter, food, clothing, and so much more were now out of our reach.
“How are we gonna-? Are we supposed to-?”
“I don’t KNOW! Arrrrg!” cold pavement. That is what my knees came into contact with at the acknowledgement of our downfall. The Rainbooms didn’t just defeat us. They sent us to our doom.
My fist felt warm. Slowly I opened it to glance at the trickling blood lacing my palm. Our precious gemstones, shattered. Brought down by a powerful force we had underestimated from the beginning. I watched a slice of pepperoni fall to the ground from my hair and then my cheeks felt that same warm sensation. Tears were flowing from the corners of my eyes and I turned to see my bandmates in turn weeping. Aria leaned on a dumpster for support with her hand clutched to her face and Sonata was faced against the brick wall sniffling the loudest. What was I supposed to do? We were as broken as our necklaces.
“Girls?” a voice called out and immediately. My only allies ran towards me in an attempt to protect themselves. Right when we had thought we lost them, we had been found once again.
“L-leave us alone!”
“Ladies, please! Don’t panic! I’m here to help.” this voice was calm and clearly belonged to one of the faculty’s staff. I recognized him, only from small moments when we had wandered Canterlot High.
“Discord? Hah!” I spouted laying claim to the despair.
“I saw what happened to you during your performance. It’s a tragedy.” Discord pulled something away from his pockets tossing them into the nearby dumpster. It was a pair of earplugs. He was unaffected by the spell becoming a witness to the entire event.
“You three deserve something better than that. For having the courage to be able to sing in front of such a rude audience. Thrust me, I know how hard it is to get accepted at school!” his words were rough, but sincere. Of course no one trusted the man. He was strange, always ranting on and on about pointless things, and to top it all off, was obnoxious towards other people. “I don’t know you, but I know this. No one has to put up with what you went through.”
“You can’t help us.” a sniffle followed as I refused to look at Discord. He watched the other two cowering girls and determined that I was speaking for the three of us. He rubbed his goatee and gave up.
“Fine then!-But my offer stands.” the moments afterwards were strange. Discord left us with nothing, but the effect of his words lingered. As if he had planted a string to our hands, we followed him. Curious to see something. Anything. Several seconds passed before I found him again turning down the road. Sonata and Aria grabbed onto my arms in tow with my movements.
Why was I following him? I had no reason to and I had shown him nothing but anger. Still I followed like a lost puppy. Did he know we were right behind him? He never shown any signs of sighting us or put up any sort of regards for his three stalkers. Several blocks away he took to some stone steps and entered a door. Unlocking it and turning on the light. The entrance was wide open. With it’s warm glow inviting us in. Determined, I ignore Sonata’s shake of her head.
"No!" Aria pleaded. I could not deny that I too felt like we didn't need his help. At this point we didn't seem to have a choice. Up the stone steps and into the light. Discord was waiting.
"Sudden Change of mind, girls?"
Huh. Mr. Discord. I get the feeling he’s not going to be a friendly physics teacher in this particular setting…
Your setup certainly has me intrigued, but you don’t go anywhere with it. Granted, you’ve run out of words, but this still works better as a first chapter than a story in and of itself. Among other things, you never actually explain what the dulling effect is. There are also numerous proofreading issues on display.
Still, I’m definitely interested in human Discord helping the sirens. I look forward to seeing where you go with this once it has room to breathe.
Your setup certainly has me intrigued, but you don’t go anywhere with it. Granted, you’ve run out of words, but this still works better as a first chapter than a story in and of itself. Among other things, you never actually explain what the dulling effect is. There are also numerous proofreading issues on display.
Still, I’m definitely interested in human Discord helping the sirens. I look forward to seeing where you go with this once it has room to breathe.
I'll agree:
With >>FanOfMostEverything. As set-up for a larger story, this is a lot of fun. But as a stand-alone piece, well, it doesn't stand alone... :)
Mike
With >>FanOfMostEverything. As set-up for a larger story, this is a lot of fun. But as a stand-alone piece, well, it doesn't stand alone... :)
Mike
This could use a whip-round with a proofreader, and a bit of tightening up on the opening.
Still, once it got moving I found it fairly entertaining. I was curious as to what Discord was doing and where it was going, but in the end, it just kinda... stops? I don't think this has enough resolution to be really satisfying.
Still, once it got moving I found it fairly entertaining. I was curious as to what Discord was doing and where it was going, but in the end, it just kinda... stops? I don't think this has enough resolution to be really satisfying.
Dr. >>FanOfMostEverything has diagnosed this story with "First Chapter Syndrome," and I must reluctantly parrot his diagnosis. The cure for this condition is simple: the author should take the story home, take its temperature twice daily, feed it chicken noodle soup, and keep writing it. The story will be big, strong, and healthy in no time flat.
Joking aside, I liked it. I really did. The grammar was a touch distracting, but there's plenty of good guides for that, perhaps most notably the one found on FimFiction. If I could summarize some of the big problems in a sentence or two, I would remind you that, generally speaking, fragments are not your friends and verb tenses are not usually interchangeable.
I highly encourage you to continue working on this. You've got the makings of a pretty good story, but it's not quite there yet.
Joking aside, I liked it. I really did. The grammar was a touch distracting, but there's plenty of good guides for that, perhaps most notably the one found on FimFiction. If I could summarize some of the big problems in a sentence or two, I would remind you that, generally speaking, fragments are not your friends and verb tenses are not usually interchangeable.
I highly encourage you to continue working on this. You've got the makings of a pretty good story, but it's not quite there yet.
Hmmm… Sirens. No my bag but let’s go on.
Okay.
Yeah, the prose is a bit meh. Many typos and repetitions. Definitely in need of a good sweep.
The story? Well, the sirens whinge, and then their (presumed) saviour appear. Not much to munch. And the sirens act too passive. And I don't understand why Discord would get involved in that. What's the point?
Ok, sorry. Not my cup of tea definitely.
Okay.
Yeah, the prose is a bit meh. Many typos and repetitions. Definitely in need of a good sweep.
The story? Well, the sirens whinge, and then their (presumed) saviour appear. Not much to munch. And the sirens act too passive. And I don't understand why Discord would get involved in that. What's the point?
Ok, sorry. Not my cup of tea definitely.
Genre: Teaser trailer
Thoughts: Bravo for an excellent casting choice; I see a lot that could be teased out of Discord helpingmake the Sirens Great Again. The story sets that hook pretty well, and I'd like to see where it goes from here.
My rating has less to do with my interest level than the fact that I'm looking for complete stories and finding this only the beginning of one.
Tier: Needs Work
Thoughts: Bravo for an excellent casting choice; I see a lot that could be teased out of Discord helping
My rating has less to do with my interest level than the fact that I'm looking for complete stories and finding this only the beginning of one.
Tier: Needs Work
Thrust me, I know how hard it is to get accepted at school!
I read this fic yesterday (didn't get recorded, unfortunately) but accidentally reading "Thrust me" out loud was the highlight of my day :D I get it's probably an unintentional misspelling of "Trust me", but nonetheless, thank you, author. :P
While I'm here, I'll give my thoughts.
Something about this seems subtly creepy. I don't know what Discord's offer was. I'd like to think Discord was trying to help, but the tone makes me think it's something dark. I'm going to give the story the benefit of the doubt, but I would like to note that I think it's a side effect of not actually revealing what Discord has in mind.
So, giving this the benefit of the doubt, I'll assume Discord is simply giving them a place to stay. If that's the case, I like the idea, but this story doesn't feel complete or satisfying. Perhaps Discord opening up or appealing to the Dazzlings' emotions would've been more satisfying, but the reasons the Dazzlings follow him are "brainworms"-esque [As if he had planted a string to our hands, we followed him. Curious to see something. Anything.]. Obviously, they're desperate, but I feel like it lacks emotional depth.
Interesting premise; as soon as Discord showed up you really grabbed my attention, despite my mild dislike of the EG universe. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to reiterate what many other reviewers are saying in that you didn't really go anywhere with the idea. I'm trying to parse out the conflict from this, and it seems to be situated around the Sirens' choice to follow Discord or not. But honestly, there are no clear stakes either way. If they don't follow him, they'll probably lead a vaguely difficult and restless life. And if they do follow him, they'll get some sort of vague help. Whatever they choose, there isn't enough information for the reader to make sense of the situation or get a meaningful idea of the consequences of their choice.As a result, we really want to know what happens next in order to contextualize this event, but the story simply ends. I'd strongly suggest giving your reader more to chew on, whether that would be a continuation, or some more clarification regarding Discord's intentions.
I love the premise(s) here. I like the story.
I don't have much to complain about, but I think this is a story that will have your readers demanding more... and not in a good way. This needs to be part of a larger fic so that the issues you're presenting can be explored in greater depth.
On the otherpaw hoof, I have read a few award-winning stories which deal with temptation and fate and loss that don't go into any more depth than this. But in that case, you wouldn't need EQG to tell the story. You could make this any three girls who had suffered a tragedy, and Discord could be a mysteriously-dressed stranger whose power and invitation is clearly preternatural.
Wait, I do have one nitpick: you really need to describe Discord better. Describe what he's wearing as something crazy-mismatched and stitched together, or something. You're not doing him justice by painting him as a raving kook with a goatee and nothing more.
I don't have much to complain about, but I think this is a story that will have your readers demanding more... and not in a good way. This needs to be part of a larger fic so that the issues you're presenting can be explored in greater depth.
On the other
Wait, I do have one nitpick: you really need to describe Discord better. Describe what he's wearing as something crazy-mismatched and stitched together, or something. You're not doing him justice by painting him as a raving kook with a goatee and nothing more.
The Dulling Effect — B+ — It starts out stilted and awkward, stating the obvious and not flowing well at all. Stayed that way as it went, BUT there’s promise in the premise here. Planning on expanding this one out, perhaps? You’re going to need an editor. As I’ve said before, I’d rather have a story with an intriguing concept and poor grammar than the other way around.
Okay. The Dulling Effect pertains to what happens when a gem or other luxurious stone loses it gleaming properties. In this case our "Dazzlings" have lost their all awe-inspiring skills. Thus it can be labeled as a certain dulling effect. The title was a play on words and yet it seemed to pass as if it wasn't since dull is also used to mention the loss of sharpness in a knife. You could kinda say this fit with it too but I was more along the lines aiming towards the lackluster qualities in precious stones.
What do you do when all you've known for centuries ends up becoming undone? When your way of life and means of getting anything in the world was suddenly out of your reach? This is the Dazzlings case. Explained in their lore these three have counted on their hypnotic ways, much like a predator would or their prey. There's no evidence that a sea pony, or siren, had had any life prior to gaining their magic. It had also been so long that logically they would have loss the sense for self independence at a certain point. Which is why the girls act unruly all the time, I mean take a look Sonata! Doesn't see look like the face of evil?!
I took these ideas and thought about how sad it must be to be not only beaten down, but to be lost. To know where you're at what you're doing, but with no way of accomplishing things in the only way you know how. In my opinion, these three have been tossed to the streets with no one to help them now. This is where Discord comes in. The most unruly man of the school who can come to understand what it means have his life flipped around and being unappreciated.
So scriptwise I think we're done. Now onto explanations! This story was designed to be -yup you guessed it!- a 10,000 long story. It was a last minute idea in the last 3 hours of the submission timeline. Go figure! With nothing else to work with I went with this idea and had a horrible horrible horrrilbe time. I ended up deleteing over 3,000 words and had to scrunch everything I wanted hoping that it all made sense in the end. Ending result being "find a guide" AGAIN! Don't tell people to look up guides people. Sometimes they just wanna know what exactly is wrong. In this case I already knew. So after deleting the recap, intro, ending, Discord's description, half the banter between the Dazzlings in the alleyway, and the extended scene with the Dazzlings "sneaking" behind Discord", I ended up with my worst piece of entry for this community. Can you blame me? Told you I'm not one for minifics.
Script order for those who are interested. Yes this all came to me within 3 hours.
-Dazzlings' experience (POV) getting defeated in stage: Basically a recap of the recent events. If you watch closely Adagio is the only one to grab onto the bits of her broken necklace.
-The chase and Alleyway scene: This was suppose to bring in a bit more detail on how cruel their breaking point must have been. Being pelted with food trinkets, and worst of all since they can't seem to remember it, the hateful slanderous jeering coming from the crowd. Even the Alleyway scene was suppose to have more depth to it as the three contemplate on their dire situation.
-Discord's appearance: This one was gonna be simple. A man dressed in a colorful suit having multi colored hair and accessories a like. He was suppose to come in and have a deeper conversation and well. You've seen the cut up version. I was so unhappy with how bland Discord came out that I overlooked the errors on his part since he became such a small detail within the story.
-Coming Home: There was suppose to be more explained to why Discord was taking the girls in, but as villains their have their pride. So the endings result was gonna be Discord acting like he gave up and the Dazzlings being stubborn to take such aide from a man not fully under their control, as they're routinely subjected to. The result being Discord just leading the girls home and the Dazzlings (smart girls btw) knew they had nothing to go by at this point. Smart capable girls? They are not. Just look at Sonata! So they end up in a very uncomfortable position with a stranger who is labeled as a bad person just like they suddenly were.
The ending was suppose to be a cute breakfast scene with the new family. Adagio would argue and make a fuss with Discord as he sipped his tea on a strange looking teacup. The conversation needed to end with a sharp bold statement coming from the man. Which I never got the chance to do so.
In the MLP world things usually go well enough that people aren't really suffering or brought to their eventual doom. So I figured it be more canon giving these three the chance the show usually gives to it's villains. Curse Hasbro for the level of forgiveness they wrought unto such criminals. So I saw it fitting to have the girls somehow not being fully redeemed, BECAUSE THAT WOULDN.T MAKE SENSE! RIGHT PONY HITLER!, but somehow coming out of their downfall and becoming just normal girls. Of course they would still be hated in school, but now they can survive and learn once more.
Eventually I ended up creating the rest of the script with several days of school for the three girls. Having to deal with a hateful public, and some cute moment where the girls find Discord to be the most magical person in the school, yes there's no magic in Discord but low and behold! I have made him a magician! No seriously he does a couple of card tricks and fools the three girls into thinking he understood their magical powers to fully bond with them. A little white lie but "everyone needs a bit of magic in their life, no?" As Discord would say.
Gee look at that. I've written pass 750 words. Again. The premise was quite a bold one and well. I had no choice if I wanted to enter this contest. So I went with it. Not sure to say if I got anything out of it but it's gonna be another one waiting in my sandbox just collecting dust until I'm happy enough with my skills to give it it's due. Good ideas, bad writing. And that makes me unhappy to write them or continue them. I wanna say thank you for reading it, but as some people have explained. It was a bad experience reading it and I had a bad experience mincing my work to the bone. So I'm sorry. Especially to Hat and Quill who force themselves to push through each story no matter how cringey it is or how much they dislike it. So thank you, but I should really say Sorry.
What do you do when all you've known for centuries ends up becoming undone? When your way of life and means of getting anything in the world was suddenly out of your reach? This is the Dazzlings case. Explained in their lore these three have counted on their hypnotic ways, much like a predator would or their prey. There's no evidence that a sea pony, or siren, had had any life prior to gaining their magic. It had also been so long that logically they would have loss the sense for self independence at a certain point. Which is why the girls act unruly all the time, I mean take a look Sonata! Doesn't see look like the face of evil?!
I took these ideas and thought about how sad it must be to be not only beaten down, but to be lost. To know where you're at what you're doing, but with no way of accomplishing things in the only way you know how. In my opinion, these three have been tossed to the streets with no one to help them now. This is where Discord comes in. The most unruly man of the school who can come to understand what it means have his life flipped around and being unappreciated.
So scriptwise I think we're done. Now onto explanations! This story was designed to be -yup you guessed it!- a 10,000 long story. It was a last minute idea in the last 3 hours of the submission timeline. Go figure! With nothing else to work with I went with this idea and had a horrible horrible horrrilbe time. I ended up deleteing over 3,000 words and had to scrunch everything I wanted hoping that it all made sense in the end. Ending result being "find a guide" AGAIN! Don't tell people to look up guides people. Sometimes they just wanna know what exactly is wrong. In this case I already knew. So after deleting the recap, intro, ending, Discord's description, half the banter between the Dazzlings in the alleyway, and the extended scene with the Dazzlings "sneaking" behind Discord", I ended up with my worst piece of entry for this community. Can you blame me? Told you I'm not one for minifics.
Script order for those who are interested. Yes this all came to me within 3 hours.
-Dazzlings' experience (POV) getting defeated in stage: Basically a recap of the recent events. If you watch closely Adagio is the only one to grab onto the bits of her broken necklace.
-The chase and Alleyway scene: This was suppose to bring in a bit more detail on how cruel their breaking point must have been. Being pelted with food trinkets, and worst of all since they can't seem to remember it, the hateful slanderous jeering coming from the crowd. Even the Alleyway scene was suppose to have more depth to it as the three contemplate on their dire situation.
-Discord's appearance: This one was gonna be simple. A man dressed in a colorful suit having multi colored hair and accessories a like. He was suppose to come in and have a deeper conversation and well. You've seen the cut up version. I was so unhappy with how bland Discord came out that I overlooked the errors on his part since he became such a small detail within the story.
-Coming Home: There was suppose to be more explained to why Discord was taking the girls in, but as villains their have their pride. So the endings result was gonna be Discord acting like he gave up and the Dazzlings being stubborn to take such aide from a man not fully under their control, as they're routinely subjected to. The result being Discord just leading the girls home and the Dazzlings (smart girls btw) knew they had nothing to go by at this point. Smart capable girls? They are not. Just look at Sonata! So they end up in a very uncomfortable position with a stranger who is labeled as a bad person just like they suddenly were.
The ending was suppose to be a cute breakfast scene with the new family. Adagio would argue and make a fuss with Discord as he sipped his tea on a strange looking teacup. The conversation needed to end with a sharp bold statement coming from the man. Which I never got the chance to do so.
In the MLP world things usually go well enough that people aren't really suffering or brought to their eventual doom. So I figured it be more canon giving these three the chance the show usually gives to it's villains. Curse Hasbro for the level of forgiveness they wrought unto such criminals. So I saw it fitting to have the girls somehow not being fully redeemed, BECAUSE THAT WOULDN.T MAKE SENSE! RIGHT PONY HITLER!, but somehow coming out of their downfall and becoming just normal girls. Of course they would still be hated in school, but now they can survive and learn once more.
Eventually I ended up creating the rest of the script with several days of school for the three girls. Having to deal with a hateful public, and some cute moment where the girls find Discord to be the most magical person in the school, yes there's no magic in Discord but low and behold! I have made him a magician! No seriously he does a couple of card tricks and fools the three girls into thinking he understood their magical powers to fully bond with them. A little white lie but "everyone needs a bit of magic in their life, no?" As Discord would say.
Gee look at that. I've written pass 750 words. Again. The premise was quite a bold one and well. I had no choice if I wanted to enter this contest. So I went with it. Not sure to say if I got anything out of it but it's gonna be another one waiting in my sandbox just collecting dust until I'm happy enough with my skills to give it it's due. Good ideas, bad writing. And that makes me unhappy to write them or continue them. I wanna say thank you for reading it, but as some people have explained. It was a bad experience reading it and I had a bad experience mincing my work to the bone. So I'm sorry. Especially to Hat and Quill who force themselves to push through each story no matter how cringey it is or how much they dislike it. So thank you, but I should really say Sorry.
>>Remedyfortheheart
Don’t do like me Rémy. Your story deserves better than being locked away in a drawer. You should now give it all the care it needs, beef it and polish it until it shines, then publish it. You’re more than skilful enough to do that.
Don’t do like me Rémy. Your story deserves better than being locked away in a drawer. You should now give it all the care it needs, beef it and polish it until it shines, then publish it. You’re more than skilful enough to do that.
>>Remedyfortheheart
I liked it, and I think you could do it in 750, but it would be hard. The problem is we don't get to see consequences, and we're intrigued but we don't know exactly where we're headed.
This would be a great first chapter for a story! Just give Discord a lot more description than this, and think how to take the story to a place that pushes the message you want to get across to the reader.
I liked it, and I think you could do it in 750, but it would be hard. The problem is we don't get to see consequences, and we're intrigued but we don't know exactly where we're headed.
This would be a great first chapter for a story! Just give Discord a lot more description than this, and think how to take the story to a place that pushes the message you want to get across to the reader.
>>Trick_Question
That idea of a story is meant to be at least 4 times bigger to make a comfortable first chapter for me. And that's with just an added recap and all the same ideas.
That idea of a story is meant to be at least 4 times bigger to make a comfortable first chapter for me. And that's with just an added recap and all the same ideas.