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Alfred's morning
Confused shambles of sleep gave way to muted street noises outside. Lazy sun rays crawled into the window like a jaundiced slug and I felt the room become warmer. Unwilling to wake up to yet another tiring day, I rolled towards the wall, pressing my face into the pillow. Still, the blissful sleep wasn't returning as I gradually became aware of my surroundings. Something wasn't right.
Tarrying as much as I could, I grudgingly rolled over to face the room and squinted my bleary eys to survey my surroundings. I was in my room, obviously, with its usual mileau; at least, usual for the last few months. In the nearmost corner a heap of old clothes spilled from the open wardrobe, like the guts of some disemboweled monster, with my red jumpsuit resting at the top. In the opposite corner sat a pile of old computer hardware and malfunctioning VR gear, punctuated with quite a few empty beverage cans. The calendar on the opposite wall showed Friday, meaning that today was Saturday. Which would explain the mess. Either that or depression, added the voice in my head. “Oh, come on” I replied, shielding my eyes from the light with a… hoof?
I sharply sat up on my bed and drew a quick breath. Fragments of yesterday night quickly spun in my mind. Inebriating myself with a good few drinks and stumbling home. Sending angry holos to all of my coworkers. I shuddered. Stomping out for the nearest Bureau. Going away on two legs, ambling back on four hooves, the stains on the floor testifying as much. My heart sank.
“Good morning, Alfred” - a familiar voice said flatly. I jerked and just now turned my attention towards the opposite corner of the room, where a squat table stood surrounded by office chairs. On the chair opposite from me sat a tall woman with keen eyes and a sharp chin, dressed in orange overalls. Aurora, my manager. “May I have your attention, please?”
Unsure of my footing, I slowly rolled over on my stomach and crawled out of bed, then awkwardly ambled towards the table.
“Hello, Aurora” - I said, somehow managing to climb onto an office chair. I looked up to her, unaccustomed to my new, much shorter height. A stuffy pause hung in the air.
“You know, I've been worried for you” - she said thoughtfully.
“You have?” - I said, unsure what to say.
“With all those messages you sent…” - she paused, “I thought you were going to…”
“kill myself?” - I finished in my mind.
“I mean, ‘farewell, my unbeloved naked apes’? Really?”
I shuddered as I remembered my drunken revelations.
“You know, I cannot really blame you” - she said, after a while.
“Oh…”
“With the oil running out - how long do have we have, really?” “Five, ten years? Our economy is nothing but oil, in the end. But Equestria is life. They don't use oil there. Not much, anyway.”
“I thought we have at least fifty, and there are other…”
“Bullshit and propaganda” - she said suddenly and bluntly. “I was reading hypernet, not just RuNet. The goverment sugar-coats everything so that the we don't panic.” “The thing is, you did the right thing, but not in the right time and place. Have you thought what are you now?”
I blinked at her nervously.
“You are an illegal immigrant. A citizen of Equestria. Your old passport is invalid, and you cannot get a new one because you cannot cross the border.”
I drew a dejected sigh.
“But we'll figure out something: maybe we'll be able to still hire you as an independent consultant, if you work from home and don't tell that you are a pony.”
“Thanks” - I said, dumbfounded.
“I always liked you, you know.”
Tarrying as much as I could, I grudgingly rolled over to face the room and squinted my bleary eys to survey my surroundings. I was in my room, obviously, with its usual mileau; at least, usual for the last few months. In the nearmost corner a heap of old clothes spilled from the open wardrobe, like the guts of some disemboweled monster, with my red jumpsuit resting at the top. In the opposite corner sat a pile of old computer hardware and malfunctioning VR gear, punctuated with quite a few empty beverage cans. The calendar on the opposite wall showed Friday, meaning that today was Saturday. Which would explain the mess. Either that or depression, added the voice in my head. “Oh, come on” I replied, shielding my eyes from the light with a… hoof?
I sharply sat up on my bed and drew a quick breath. Fragments of yesterday night quickly spun in my mind. Inebriating myself with a good few drinks and stumbling home. Sending angry holos to all of my coworkers. I shuddered. Stomping out for the nearest Bureau. Going away on two legs, ambling back on four hooves, the stains on the floor testifying as much. My heart sank.
“Good morning, Alfred” - a familiar voice said flatly. I jerked and just now turned my attention towards the opposite corner of the room, where a squat table stood surrounded by office chairs. On the chair opposite from me sat a tall woman with keen eyes and a sharp chin, dressed in orange overalls. Aurora, my manager. “May I have your attention, please?”
Unsure of my footing, I slowly rolled over on my stomach and crawled out of bed, then awkwardly ambled towards the table.
“Hello, Aurora” - I said, somehow managing to climb onto an office chair. I looked up to her, unaccustomed to my new, much shorter height. A stuffy pause hung in the air.
“You know, I've been worried for you” - she said thoughtfully.
“You have?” - I said, unsure what to say.
“With all those messages you sent…” - she paused, “I thought you were going to…”
“kill myself?” - I finished in my mind.
“I mean, ‘farewell, my unbeloved naked apes’? Really?”
I shuddered as I remembered my drunken revelations.
“You know, I cannot really blame you” - she said, after a while.
“Oh…”
“With the oil running out - how long do have we have, really?” “Five, ten years? Our economy is nothing but oil, in the end. But Equestria is life. They don't use oil there. Not much, anyway.”
“I thought we have at least fifty, and there are other…”
“Bullshit and propaganda” - she said suddenly and bluntly. “I was reading hypernet, not just RuNet. The goverment sugar-coats everything so that the we don't panic.” “The thing is, you did the right thing, but not in the right time and place. Have you thought what are you now?”
I blinked at her nervously.
“You are an illegal immigrant. A citizen of Equestria. Your old passport is invalid, and you cannot get a new one because you cannot cross the border.”
I drew a dejected sigh.
“But we'll figure out something: maybe we'll be able to still hire you as an independent consultant, if you work from home and don't tell that you are a pony.”
“Thanks” - I said, dumbfounded.
“I always liked you, you know.”
No title case. That’s not a good sign.
Oh my God, it’s a Conversion Bureau story. This is like watching a Compsognathus walk up my driveway; something I thought extinct just showed up completely unannounced.
In any case, this needs work on several levels, from punctuation to prose to plot. Most glaringly, it’s only a fragment of a larger story. On its own, it’s an anticlimax. This needs expansion and an editor to reach its full potential, and even then, you’re not likely to find a sympathetic audience. I still remember how the wave of vitriol crashed against this particular shore. Still, there are definite glimmers of potential; I especially like the sunbeam slug line.
Oh my God, it’s a Conversion Bureau story. This is like watching a Compsognathus walk up my driveway; something I thought extinct just showed up completely unannounced.
In any case, this needs work on several levels, from punctuation to prose to plot. Most glaringly, it’s only a fragment of a larger story. On its own, it’s an anticlimax. This needs expansion and an editor to reach its full potential, and even then, you’re not likely to find a sympathetic audience. I still remember how the wave of vitriol crashed against this particular shore. Still, there are definite glimmers of potential; I especially like the sunbeam slug line.
yeah, i agree with FoME here. This sounds hokey, contrived. And I don't get it: how the guy ended up being mutated into a pony? Just by wishing it? Come on…
or this is part of a larger background i'm unfamiliar with.
if we disregard the occasional typos and flubs in the language, the beginning is quite nice. it's after that things derail.
and good luck to punch on keyboard with hooves! :P
or this is part of a larger background i'm unfamiliar with.
if we disregard the occasional typos and flubs in the language, the beginning is quite nice. it's after that things derail.
and good luck to punch on keyboard with hooves! :P
Genre: Parable about there not being a quick fix for life, and also immigration, and ponies?
Thoughts: First, let me confess that I've never read the Conversion Bureau. I'm pretty sure I wasn't in the fandom yet back when it was first a thing, and I haven't had occasion to go back and catch up on it. With that said, I managed to go with what was happening: Guy hates his crap life and gets himself turned into a horse; guy subsequently discovers that being a horse doesn't magically fix his life. This could have some higher-strung emotional tension as it delivered that message, but at least it makes sense thematically.
The one thing I couldn't get into here was why the guy's boss was suddenly in his room. There was neither enough humor nor enough rationale presented to push me past the WTF reflex when that happened. But, while it was weird, and while the rest of the story was a bit talking-heads-y, I think it actually comes close to delivering a complete-ish story arc. It needs a lot of tightening-up, especially because I think some of the later dialogue is supposed to be humorous, and it's currently misfiring. But part of the reason why I'm dumping on this a bit is because I think it's close to working, and it's driving me to distraction trying to figure out how exactly I'd recommend tuning it up.
Also, >>Monokeras:
All I can think of is this
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: First, let me confess that I've never read the Conversion Bureau. I'm pretty sure I wasn't in the fandom yet back when it was first a thing, and I haven't had occasion to go back and catch up on it. With that said, I managed to go with what was happening: Guy hates his crap life and gets himself turned into a horse; guy subsequently discovers that being a horse doesn't magically fix his life. This could have some higher-strung emotional tension as it delivered that message, but at least it makes sense thematically.
The one thing I couldn't get into here was why the guy's boss was suddenly in his room. There was neither enough humor nor enough rationale presented to push me past the WTF reflex when that happened. But, while it was weird, and while the rest of the story was a bit talking-heads-y, I think it actually comes close to delivering a complete-ish story arc. It needs a lot of tightening-up, especially because I think some of the later dialogue is supposed to be humorous, and it's currently misfiring. But part of the reason why I'm dumping on this a bit is because I think it's close to working, and it's driving me to distraction trying to figure out how exactly I'd recommend tuning it up.
Also, >>Monokeras:
and good luck to punch on keyboard with hooves! :P
All I can think of is this
Tier: Almost There
>>FanOfMostEverything
It was a TCB fic? I got the impression Alfred had always been a pony and his old passport didn't work anymore because he blurted out his identity over the Internet.
But it being a TCB fic makes more sense overall.
It was a TCB fic? I got the impression Alfred had always been a pony and his old passport didn't work anymore because he blurted out his identity over the Internet.
But it being a TCB fic makes more sense overall.
Like the others, I was really surprised to se a TCB story here. Unexpected is a bit of an understatement.
Now, I never read the original, so my familiarity with the setting came to be through cultural osmosis. Still, a superficial knowledge was enough to understand the story, so you did a good job there. Sadly it won't be enough for those who never heard about it.
As for the story itself, it had a strong opening but then devolved a bit in talking heads and deflated a bit. The anticlimatic ending is a viable choice, but then you probably need a stronger central conflict.
All in all, not bad but with much potential.
Also, the ethical failure stemming from converting a clearly drunk guy is kinda huge.
Now, I never read the original, so my familiarity with the setting came to be through cultural osmosis. Still, a superficial knowledge was enough to understand the story, so you did a good job there. Sadly it won't be enough for those who never heard about it.
As for the story itself, it had a strong opening but then devolved a bit in talking heads and deflated a bit. The anticlimatic ending is a viable choice, but then you probably need a stronger central conflict.
All in all, not bad but with much potential.
Also, the ethical failure stemming from converting a clearly drunk guy is kinda huge.
I'm familiar with Conversion Bureau through reputation alone, which was enough apparently since I wasn't caught off guard by the species swap. I get that you're trying to set up a legitimate reason to leave with the oil bit, but Aurora's outburst seems inconsistent with her otherwise kind and fairly collected nature.
>>FanOfMostEverything
I... Hmm. I don't have any idea what that is.
At first I thought this story was very original, and I was interested in seeing more, but a little disappointed in the loose ends. The main one being that it doesn't make any sense he'd be stuck in the wrong country. That needs more justification than the story provides.
Ultimately, a story like this needs to be able to stand on its own, even if it's drawn from somewhere else. I don't think we've reached that point yet, and if the "conversion" aspects come from another source, I'm left uncertain as to how much of the story and its ideas actually came from the author themself. The writing is good, but is there anything beyond this story than a mix of whatever CB is and the basic idea of "drunken regret" implied through the competition theme? Without more data, I can't really say.
That hurts the story in my eyes more than if it had been original without any reasonable explanation behind it (as with Day One, which I really like). I think the problem here (and perhaps with Three Unicorn Tail Hairs as well, just to mention it for the seventy-billionth bucking time) is that you're leaning on outside material to write a minific in a very limited space. That isn't quite "cheating", but it limits your audience. You can do that with EQG if you like, and maybe get away with Star Wars or something neigh-universally recognized, but I don't think Harry Potter is enough and this Bureau thing is definitely insufficient to assume on your readership.
Oh my God, it’s a Conversion Bureau story.
I... Hmm. I don't have any idea what that is.
At first I thought this story was very original, and I was interested in seeing more, but a little disappointed in the loose ends. The main one being that it doesn't make any sense he'd be stuck in the wrong country. That needs more justification than the story provides.
Ultimately, a story like this needs to be able to stand on its own, even if it's drawn from somewhere else. I don't think we've reached that point yet, and if the "conversion" aspects come from another source, I'm left uncertain as to how much of the story and its ideas actually came from the author themself. The writing is good, but is there anything beyond this story than a mix of whatever CB is and the basic idea of "drunken regret" implied through the competition theme? Without more data, I can't really say.
That hurts the story in my eyes more than if it had been original without any reasonable explanation behind it (as with Day One, which I really like). I think the problem here (and perhaps with Three Unicorn Tail Hairs as well, just to mention it for the seventy-billionth bucking time) is that you're leaning on outside material to write a minific in a very limited space. That isn't quite "cheating", but it limits your audience. You can do that with EQG if you like, and maybe get away with Star Wars or something neigh-universally recognized, but I don't think Harry Potter is enough and this Bureau thing is definitely insufficient to assume on your readership.
>>Trick_Question
And just to beat a sleeping pony about this, lemme give you an example.
The lowest-rated fic I've ever done for this competition was one I still like, but it had lots of loose ends and unexplained bits so yeah, it deserved to get shat upon (maybe I'll turn it into something actually worth reading someday).
That fic was clearly (as reviewers noticed) a Machine of Death fic. However, everything you would need to know about the Machine of Death collection was embedded in the fic, so while there may have been a little lack of originality in the idea, I didn't use the existence of the MoD collection to reduce the word count in my story. Being somepony who had read the MoD collection gave you no leg up on readers who didn't.
In this case, at bare minimum you need to describe what this Bureau is. If you did that, I wouldn't have a problem with it being based on another source. The problem is that it relies on knowledge of that source to cut word-count corners, and that renders it incomplete or confusing to part of your audience. Even if I knew TCB forwards and backwards, I'd consider that a flaw in a competition like this.
This is also a problem with Filthy Rich, President-Elect. Lots of readers here don't know enough about American politics to get half the references in that story. Even if I loved FRPE beyond words (I did enjoy it, but it's not the best story I've read so far), I probably wouldn't be able to top-rate it knowing that my ability to enjoy it depended upon inside jokes (so to speak).
Doesn't mean it's a bad story, though. I liked this story too, despite the lack of understanding.
Actually... even if I were writing a story for this genre which linked explicitly to the original, I'd provide a tiny amount of clue about (in this case) the Bureau. I'd like to think I could pick up a book in the middle of the Harry Potter, or the written form of That Show with Lots of Blood and Dragons and Vagina I Can't Remember Because I Had Brain Electrocution Recently and I Think the Author Was George R. R. Martin or Something, and actually be able to pick up on most of what's going on even without the backstory. I don't like it when basic information gets repeated over and over, but if you're clever you can do it in a subtle way that won't annoy readers who know the backstory and will allow those who don't to appreciate it without that knowledge.
Only exception to this: My Little Pony, because that's the entire competition theme.
And just to beat a sleeping pony about this, lemme give you an example.
The lowest-rated fic I've ever done for this competition was one I still like, but it had lots of loose ends and unexplained bits so yeah, it deserved to get shat upon (maybe I'll turn it into something actually worth reading someday).
That fic was clearly (as reviewers noticed) a Machine of Death fic. However, everything you would need to know about the Machine of Death collection was embedded in the fic, so while there may have been a little lack of originality in the idea, I didn't use the existence of the MoD collection to reduce the word count in my story. Being somepony who had read the MoD collection gave you no leg up on readers who didn't.
In this case, at bare minimum you need to describe what this Bureau is. If you did that, I wouldn't have a problem with it being based on another source. The problem is that it relies on knowledge of that source to cut word-count corners, and that renders it incomplete or confusing to part of your audience. Even if I knew TCB forwards and backwards, I'd consider that a flaw in a competition like this.
This is also a problem with Filthy Rich, President-Elect. Lots of readers here don't know enough about American politics to get half the references in that story. Even if I loved FRPE beyond words (I did enjoy it, but it's not the best story I've read so far), I probably wouldn't be able to top-rate it knowing that my ability to enjoy it depended upon inside jokes (so to speak).
Doesn't mean it's a bad story, though. I liked this story too, despite the lack of understanding.
Actually... even if I were writing a story for this genre which linked explicitly to the original, I'd provide a tiny amount of clue about (in this case) the Bureau. I'd like to think I could pick up a book in the middle of the Harry Potter, or the written form of That Show with Lots of Blood and Dragons and Vagina I Can't Remember Because I Had Brain Electrocution Recently and I Think the Author Was George R. R. Martin or Something, and actually be able to pick up on most of what's going on even without the backstory. I don't like it when basic information gets repeated over and over, but if you're clever you can do it in a subtle way that won't annoy readers who know the backstory and will allow those who don't to appreciate it without that knowledge.
Only exception to this: My Little Pony, because that's the entire competition theme.
Okay, I am familiar with the Conversion Bureau stories mostly by reputation... (And, I must admit, I've been tempting to write a fic for them myself, having a dark idea for a short story...) So, I followed along with this just fine.
Having said that... I'm at a bit of a loss as to the point of this story, and it's logic. Ou protagonist got drunk, write a bunch of e-mail telling his friends he's quitting / leaving / whatever.. .Then his a conversion bureau while drunk and got turned into a pony... And then went home to sleep it off.
And his boss is not just OK with this, but supporting him. Oh, and he's legally screwed himself.
The levels at which this makes no sense... Let's start off with allowing a patient to request a major medical procedure(ie, turning into a pony) while under the influence. A Tattoo artist can get away with that. Something like this? Yeah, no. Then there's the whole "You're no longer a US citizen now. Because, you know, you're a different skin color.. . I mean, species. Oooookay. We're in some really freaky offshoot of the US if that's the case. Plus, if he's found out, shouldn't he just be deported to Equestria? Which would be where he wants to go anyway?
And finally, the coup de grace, the hoary old "We've run out of oil / resources" trope as an excuse why going to Equestria is a great idea. Which also doesn't really fly.
So, all in all, I really have to turn off too many logic circuits to really enjoy this one that much...
Having said that... I'm at a bit of a loss as to the point of this story, and it's logic. Ou protagonist got drunk, write a bunch of e-mail telling his friends he's quitting / leaving / whatever.. .Then his a conversion bureau while drunk and got turned into a pony... And then went home to sleep it off.
And his boss is not just OK with this, but supporting him. Oh, and he's legally screwed himself.
The levels at which this makes no sense... Let's start off with allowing a patient to request a major medical procedure(ie, turning into a pony) while under the influence. A Tattoo artist can get away with that. Something like this? Yeah, no. Then there's the whole "You're no longer a US citizen now. Because, you know, you're a different skin color.. . I mean, species. Oooookay. We're in some really freaky offshoot of the US if that's the case. Plus, if he's found out, shouldn't he just be deported to Equestria? Which would be where he wants to go anyway?
And finally, the coup de grace, the hoary old "We've run out of oil / resources" trope as an excuse why going to Equestria is a great idea. Which also doesn't really fly.
So, all in all, I really have to turn off too many logic circuits to really enjoy this one that much...
It's been a while since I've read all the old TCB fics. This definitely feels like... the middle of one? TCB fics have several distinct stages; welcome to crapsack future earth; meet the peeps living in said crapsack world and see their reasons for wanting conversion; TCB itself and how it's accomplished; now they're ponies and how this changes things; new pony decides to stay on doomed earth until it goes boom or leaves for the new world.
So this is like... close to the end of a TCB fic. The problem is that we don't get any lead-up or the aftermath. It definitely needs more.
So this is like... close to the end of a TCB fic. The problem is that we don't get any lead-up or the aftermath. It definitely needs more.
My memories of TCB-verse are fuzzy, so I'm not sure if Aurora here is a hologram (like a Siri type thing) or a real person. If real, this makes little sense why she's in his apartment, why she likes him, why... well, pretty much why she's involved at all. Basically, I don't think this works as a story, with or without knowledge of TCB on the part of the reader.
One positive, I did like the early descriptions of the waking process. Some nifty little phrases in there.
One positive, I did like the early descriptions of the waking process. Some nifty little phrases in there.