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Post Metamorphosis
I wake up. I am relaxed and comfy. I yawn.
I freeze.
Where is the constant gnawing of hunger?
I bolt awake.
As I get to my hooves, they’re the wrong color. I wasn’t infiltrating anywhere, was I? No, I was working as a guard at the hive. Then why am I disguised? I try to drop the illusion, and realize there is nothing to drop. My legs are still the wrong color, and there aren’t any holes.
The gnawing is still gone. I’m so confused; I’m struggling to think at all. I don’t understand! Nothing makes sense! I close my eyes as if that will help. I can’t see my wrong-colored body anymore, but the hunger still hasn’t come back yet. Why aren’t I hungry? Changelings are always hungry! I shiver. Even shivering feels different.
I realize that not being hungry feels good.
I open my eyes and look around. My hivemates, sleeping near me, are all colorful strangers. I remember, slowly, yesterday. When we thought we’d have food forever after Que— after Chrysalis’ plan succeeded. When the traitor Thora— King Thorax transformed. And then when I followed suit. This was real, not a nightmare, not a dream. Could I even dream what “not hungry” feels like, when I’ve never felt it before today?
Yesterday… I think yesterday was a good day. I can think more clearly now; the confusion and panic are slowly fading as I remember. I must have been very tired after yesterday, to sleep so deeply and wake so befuddled. Or is it because of the change? Will I always wake up confused, not remembering where I am? Does this happen to ponies all the time? Am I like a pony now, or still a normal changeling? Or am I something completely new? Do I even want to be something new? When King Thorax transformed into something amazing, it looked like it was meant to be, the best thing ever. I wanted that too, but now I’m not so sure. Is there a way to go back? Would I take it even if there was?
I look down at myself, at my different body, just noticeably heavier than usual. It’s so strange, not having holes in my legs. Where did they go? I lift a hoof and run it up a leg--it’s as solid as if the holes were never there. I trail my hoof higher, over the new shiny bumps in my chest. They’re smooth under my touch, and they glitter almost like they’re inset gems. Do they do anything? Are they tender? It doesn’t hurt to touch them. I barely feel anything at all. What are they made of? What am I made of? I knew it was chitin before, but is it different now?
I try to remember that moment of metamorphosis, the moment I turned into this new me. I can’t remember feeling each different change happen. I can’t really remember how it felt at all. It was too much, too fast, and overwhelmed me.
I think about the moment before the transformation. That I don’t think I’ll ever forget. It was like nothing else I’ve ever done or felt. I was hungry, like every minute I can remember before then, and I had to give up all my love, my food--just throw it away, as hard as I could. I was afraid I’d die, when I gave that last bit away. I could feel it leave, feel myself getting emptier and hungrier--until that moment when I was sure I’d just ended myself. Suddenly, I felt love from somewhere I can’t identify pouring through me, a stream, a river, a torrent, and it was beautiful. I felt light, lighter than I’ve ever felt, and then there was a glow surrounding me and I was changing. After that, I was new.
I look at my body again, and try flapping my wings. They catch the air better without the holes, and when I close them, the new covers settle comfortingly into place over top. This different body is strange, but...nice, I think.
I think yesterday was a good day. I like this not-hungry feeling. I don’t even need to eat the love that’s swirling all around me. It makes me feels safe in a way I’ve never felt before. I’m still unsure about all this, but I have time to figure it out, even if it is scary.
I look over my sleeping hivemates.
And at least I’m not alone.
I freeze.
Where is the constant gnawing of hunger?
I bolt awake.
As I get to my hooves, they’re the wrong color. I wasn’t infiltrating anywhere, was I? No, I was working as a guard at the hive. Then why am I disguised? I try to drop the illusion, and realize there is nothing to drop. My legs are still the wrong color, and there aren’t any holes.
The gnawing is still gone. I’m so confused; I’m struggling to think at all. I don’t understand! Nothing makes sense! I close my eyes as if that will help. I can’t see my wrong-colored body anymore, but the hunger still hasn’t come back yet. Why aren’t I hungry? Changelings are always hungry! I shiver. Even shivering feels different.
I realize that not being hungry feels good.
I open my eyes and look around. My hivemates, sleeping near me, are all colorful strangers. I remember, slowly, yesterday. When we thought we’d have food forever after Que— after Chrysalis’ plan succeeded. When the traitor Thora— King Thorax transformed. And then when I followed suit. This was real, not a nightmare, not a dream. Could I even dream what “not hungry” feels like, when I’ve never felt it before today?
Yesterday… I think yesterday was a good day. I can think more clearly now; the confusion and panic are slowly fading as I remember. I must have been very tired after yesterday, to sleep so deeply and wake so befuddled. Or is it because of the change? Will I always wake up confused, not remembering where I am? Does this happen to ponies all the time? Am I like a pony now, or still a normal changeling? Or am I something completely new? Do I even want to be something new? When King Thorax transformed into something amazing, it looked like it was meant to be, the best thing ever. I wanted that too, but now I’m not so sure. Is there a way to go back? Would I take it even if there was?
I look down at myself, at my different body, just noticeably heavier than usual. It’s so strange, not having holes in my legs. Where did they go? I lift a hoof and run it up a leg--it’s as solid as if the holes were never there. I trail my hoof higher, over the new shiny bumps in my chest. They’re smooth under my touch, and they glitter almost like they’re inset gems. Do they do anything? Are they tender? It doesn’t hurt to touch them. I barely feel anything at all. What are they made of? What am I made of? I knew it was chitin before, but is it different now?
I try to remember that moment of metamorphosis, the moment I turned into this new me. I can’t remember feeling each different change happen. I can’t really remember how it felt at all. It was too much, too fast, and overwhelmed me.
I think about the moment before the transformation. That I don’t think I’ll ever forget. It was like nothing else I’ve ever done or felt. I was hungry, like every minute I can remember before then, and I had to give up all my love, my food--just throw it away, as hard as I could. I was afraid I’d die, when I gave that last bit away. I could feel it leave, feel myself getting emptier and hungrier--until that moment when I was sure I’d just ended myself. Suddenly, I felt love from somewhere I can’t identify pouring through me, a stream, a river, a torrent, and it was beautiful. I felt light, lighter than I’ve ever felt, and then there was a glow surrounding me and I was changing. After that, I was new.
I look at my body again, and try flapping my wings. They catch the air better without the holes, and when I close them, the new covers settle comfortingly into place over top. This different body is strange, but...nice, I think.
I think yesterday was a good day. I like this not-hungry feeling. I don’t even need to eat the love that’s swirling all around me. It makes me feels safe in a way I’ve never felt before. I’m still unsure about all this, but I have time to figure it out, even if it is scary.
I look over my sleeping hivemates.
And at least I’m not alone.
Author:
This is fine as a character sketch. As a story, it feels a bit flat and I wish that it went deeper. Perhaps the self-exploration would go better if the narrator were working it out with a fellow changeling.
This is fine as a character sketch. As a story, it feels a bit flat and I wish that it went deeper. Perhaps the self-exploration would go better if the narrator were working it out with a fellow changeling.
I have to agree with GGA. This does a great job of capturing the disorientation of waking up to find oneself a sherbet fairy bughorse, but after that, it’s nothing but stock internal monologue asking the same questions we are. Appropriately enough, this story is in a larval state. I look forward to seeing the adult form.
Here I am again:
Agreeing with >>GroaningGreyAgony and >>FanOfMostEverything, though I find myself preferring the term "faery moose" for the new changeling form. Recasting the story as a dialogue instead of a monologue would make it more entertaining and would allow for a deeper exploration of the post metamorphosis mindset, but it would also fundamentally change the whole concept of the piece. Maybe just have someone else wake up at the end so our narrator can describe how the sensation of looking at another changeling has changed? That would let us see the effect the narrator tells us about in the last line.
Mike
Agreeing with >>GroaningGreyAgony and >>FanOfMostEverything, though I find myself preferring the term "faery moose" for the new changeling form. Recasting the story as a dialogue instead of a monologue would make it more entertaining and would allow for a deeper exploration of the post metamorphosis mindset, but it would also fundamentally change the whole concept of the piece. Maybe just have someone else wake up at the end so our narrator can describe how the sensation of looking at another changeling has changed? That would let us see the effect the narrator tells us about in the last line.
Mike
My most recent story on Fimfiction (which I decided to extend, so now it's only a first chapter) is about this topic, and I found your take on it here very interesting. I have two comments.
First, I was disappointed because at first I thought this was a changedling who wasn't awake during the transformation! That would have been an amazing approach, because then it wouldn't be about "slowly remembering 'oh right' stuff"; they genuinely wouldn't know, and would need to figure things out. The "slow memory" thing seems almost a little forced when it shows judgements flipping manually in the protagonist's mind. I don't think I'd need to re-remember everything I know and believe, even after a major and sudden change. Some of it should have settled (at least it feels that way to me).
Second, this method of storytelling isn't inherently bad, but it is telly. I think I might like it better with neutral descriptions of action like, "X raised their hoof", rather than keeping it all in the protagonist's headspace with, "I raised my hoof"; then intermingle that with some less-intrusive way of denoting thoughts, like using italic text on separate paragraphs. Interleaving protagonist-thought with neutral-description would give the audience a little more space to make their own value judgments about the situation, rather than having those imposed solely by the protagonist. (That would be much harder to write, however.)
First, I was disappointed because at first I thought this was a changedling who wasn't awake during the transformation! That would have been an amazing approach, because then it wouldn't be about "slowly remembering 'oh right' stuff"; they genuinely wouldn't know, and would need to figure things out. The "slow memory" thing seems almost a little forced when it shows judgements flipping manually in the protagonist's mind. I don't think I'd need to re-remember everything I know and believe, even after a major and sudden change. Some of it should have settled (at least it feels that way to me).
Second, this method of storytelling isn't inherently bad, but it is telly. I think I might like it better with neutral descriptions of action like, "X raised their hoof", rather than keeping it all in the protagonist's headspace with, "I raised my hoof"; then intermingle that with some less-intrusive way of denoting thoughts, like using italic text on separate paragraphs. Interleaving protagonist-thought with neutral-description would give the audience a little more space to make their own value judgments about the situation, rather than having those imposed solely by the protagonist. (That would be much harder to write, however.)
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Baal Bunny
Rabbit Gonads: "moose" is acceptable, but "sherbet" is most definitely required. :V
>>Baal Bunny
Rabbit Gonads: "moose" is acceptable, but "sherbet" is most definitely required. :V
I liked this as a short scene. It felt like the beginning of or ending of something though.
>>Trick_Question
So, Sherbert Fairy Moose?
>>Trick_Question
So, Sherbert Fairy Moose?
The Great
Solid character work a decently level look at the situation.
The Rough
I do agree that this would've been better as a dialogue rather than naval gazing. Not that I don't love me some good naval gazing, I just think it stalls out a bit and doesn't quite manage to leverage it. Just something missing to really hit it home in this case: either a much more decisive closing or maybe just much stronger tension on the "what am I now" front.
Some small formatting and technical stuff. Nothing major. Probably shouldn't us -- if you're using em dashes already?
Solid character work a decently level look at the situation.
The Rough
I do agree that this would've been better as a dialogue rather than naval gazing. Not that I don't love me some good naval gazing, I just think it stalls out a bit and doesn't quite manage to leverage it. Just something missing to really hit it home in this case: either a much more decisive closing or maybe just much stronger tension on the "what am I now" front.
Some small formatting and technical stuff. Nothing major. Probably shouldn't us -- if you're using em dashes already?
Post by
Shadowed_Song
, deleted
Neapolitan emotivhorses, huh?
I don't know if I can say there's any one thing 'wrong' with this story, but I will say that it's overall very mild and subdued. This reads more slicey than drama-ish, and in a contest like this, you often need to make a real impact if you want your story to do very well.
That's somewhat a matter of taste, though. Maybe you just like slice-of-life? That's fine.
I will say, though, that if you want your piece to be more powerful, consider changing that list of questions in the middle third into a statement of some sort. Take one of those questions that you're asking yourself and try to answer it as definitively as possible, because as it is, all you're conveying there is confusion. Which works alright, because the arc of this story is basically 'gentle confusion -> look around and feel better'. But... that's not a very dramatic arc.
I don't know if I can say there's any one thing 'wrong' with this story, but I will say that it's overall very mild and subdued. This reads more slicey than drama-ish, and in a contest like this, you often need to make a real impact if you want your story to do very well.
That's somewhat a matter of taste, though. Maybe you just like slice-of-life? That's fine.
I will say, though, that if you want your piece to be more powerful, consider changing that list of questions in the middle third into a statement of some sort. Take one of those questions that you're asking yourself and try to answer it as definitively as possible, because as it is, all you're conveying there is confusion. Which works alright, because the arc of this story is basically 'gentle confusion -> look around and feel better'. But... that's not a very dramatic arc.
Genre: (CoffeeMinion is running high on stories and low on time so the usual format may go bye bye.)
Thoughts: As Trick said, this would be amazing if the protagonist had slept through the transformation. It's less amazing as a recollection because the stakes are so much lower. But there's very good technical execution here, as I think Xepher said.
Tier: Almost There
>>Moosetasm
Yes, that :-p
Thoughts: As Trick said, this would be amazing if the protagonist had slept through the transformation. It's less amazing as a recollection because the stakes are so much lower. But there's very good technical execution here, as I think Xepher said.
Tier: Almost There
>>Moosetasm
Yes, that :-p
He wakes up, gropes himself, monologues, and accepts himself, all fairly quickly. Not bad, but... unremarkable, I guess. I'm not really feeling the narrator here as a character; he sounds more like he's narrating a nature documentary in real time.
If/when this is rewritten, I'd like to see the narration injected with a greater dose of personality. Make me like and care about this narrator and his self-discovery.
If/when this is rewritten, I'd like to see the narration injected with a greater dose of personality. Make me like and care about this narrator and his self-discovery.