Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
Similitude
Outside the window, Starlight watched her old town. It should have made her happy, but really only reminded her of the thoughts that had troubled her sleep.
"Good morning, Starlight," a voice spoke out behind her. She turned her head to see Twilight Sparkle smiling at her.
"Morning," Starlight responded, trying to keep her voice cheerful as she turned back to the window. But the sight was enough to make her voice hitch, and the Princess of Friendship wasn't easy to fool. In the window's reflection her expression turned into a frown.
"Is something bothering you?" she asked.
"It’s... meeting Chrysalis yesterday, seeing how she treated her hive, and remembering how this town used to be... I really was the same, wasn't I?"
Twilight hesitated. "I'll be honest, Starlight. In many ways, you were. You forced this town to be what you wanted, not what the ponies wanted, and kept your cutie mark because you considered yourself more important. And like Chrysalis, when you lost, you became obsessed with revenge, blaming others for your mistakes."
That was just too much. Starlight felt her rear legs collapse under her.
"But in the most important way, you're not like her at all."
"What's that?" Starlight asked.
"Why don't you tell me," Twilight said with a smile. "You've got a lot of friends here who might be able to help."
"Yeah, Twilight does the whole 'figure it out on your own' thing a lot," Spike said. "I think she learned it from Celestia."
Starlight stared at her coffee. "What do you think? Was I like Chrysalis?"
"No way," Spike protested. "I mean, you really messed things up, but Chrysalis is, like, comic book villain evil!” He stopped, considering. "You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Thorax took part in the attack on Canterlot, but he realized it was wrong, and decided to be a better pony. Well, changeling. You’re like that."
Starlight thought for a moment, but then shook her head. "I don't think that's the answer she's looking for. I mean... I could have realized I was wrong after Twilight chased me out of town. Or- Chrysalis could still change her mind and apologize."
Spike just shrugged. "Well, maybe it's not her answer. But I don't think you were evil, Starlight."
"Trixie thinks the Princess gives very annoying homework assignments."
"Starlight is starting to agree with you. But do you have any ideas? What makes me different?"
"Aside from not being a love eating bug monster?” Trixie rolled her eyes dramatically. “Intentions matter. I never wanted for a giant bear to attack Ponyville, or to be corrupted by an evil amulet. You didn’t want to destroy Equestria with your time spell, did you?”
"No!" Starlight responded. "I just wanted revenge."
"That’s what I wanted when I put on the amulet, and Twilight forgave me."
"Maybe.” Starlight thought about that for a moment. “But if intentions matter... you just wanted to beat her in a magic duel. I wanted to ruin her friendships. If you thought the amulet would do that, would you still have put it on?"
Trixie shook her head, and Starlight sighed again.
“So, have you figured it out?” Twilight asked. Above them, Celestia’s sun was rapidly climbing towards noon.
It was all Starlight could manage not to sigh. “Is it because I realized I was wrong? Or because my goal wasn’t hurting ponies?”
“Those are good guesses,” Twilight replied. “But they’re only part of the answer. Here, try this: Why did you take everypony’s cutie marks?”
“Because… because cutie marks cost me my only friend. I thought it was the only way for them to get along.”
“And when I couldn’t stop you from changing the past, why did you give up?”
Starlight couldn’t help but blink in surprise at the question. Surely the answer was obvious. “I was hurting everypony. The future I saw, there was nothing. No revenge is worth that.”
Twilight nodded. “And that’s the difference between you and Chrysalis. You cared. You always did, even when you were at your worst. I thought, once, that maybe Chrysalis just wanted to feed her children, but you and Thorax found a way to help them and she still refused. That’s the difference between the two of you.”
“I…” Starlight began, but found herself unsure what to say. She looked out across the town, spotting Party Favor walking down the single street. He smiled, giving her a friendly wave.
Twilight beamed as Starlight waved back.
"Good morning, Starlight," a voice spoke out behind her. She turned her head to see Twilight Sparkle smiling at her.
"Morning," Starlight responded, trying to keep her voice cheerful as she turned back to the window. But the sight was enough to make her voice hitch, and the Princess of Friendship wasn't easy to fool. In the window's reflection her expression turned into a frown.
"Is something bothering you?" she asked.
"It’s... meeting Chrysalis yesterday, seeing how she treated her hive, and remembering how this town used to be... I really was the same, wasn't I?"
Twilight hesitated. "I'll be honest, Starlight. In many ways, you were. You forced this town to be what you wanted, not what the ponies wanted, and kept your cutie mark because you considered yourself more important. And like Chrysalis, when you lost, you became obsessed with revenge, blaming others for your mistakes."
That was just too much. Starlight felt her rear legs collapse under her.
"But in the most important way, you're not like her at all."
"What's that?" Starlight asked.
"Why don't you tell me," Twilight said with a smile. "You've got a lot of friends here who might be able to help."
"Yeah, Twilight does the whole 'figure it out on your own' thing a lot," Spike said. "I think she learned it from Celestia."
Starlight stared at her coffee. "What do you think? Was I like Chrysalis?"
"No way," Spike protested. "I mean, you really messed things up, but Chrysalis is, like, comic book villain evil!” He stopped, considering. "You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Thorax took part in the attack on Canterlot, but he realized it was wrong, and decided to be a better pony. Well, changeling. You’re like that."
Starlight thought for a moment, but then shook her head. "I don't think that's the answer she's looking for. I mean... I could have realized I was wrong after Twilight chased me out of town. Or- Chrysalis could still change her mind and apologize."
Spike just shrugged. "Well, maybe it's not her answer. But I don't think you were evil, Starlight."
"Trixie thinks the Princess gives very annoying homework assignments."
"Starlight is starting to agree with you. But do you have any ideas? What makes me different?"
"Aside from not being a love eating bug monster?” Trixie rolled her eyes dramatically. “Intentions matter. I never wanted for a giant bear to attack Ponyville, or to be corrupted by an evil amulet. You didn’t want to destroy Equestria with your time spell, did you?”
"No!" Starlight responded. "I just wanted revenge."
"That’s what I wanted when I put on the amulet, and Twilight forgave me."
"Maybe.” Starlight thought about that for a moment. “But if intentions matter... you just wanted to beat her in a magic duel. I wanted to ruin her friendships. If you thought the amulet would do that, would you still have put it on?"
Trixie shook her head, and Starlight sighed again.
“So, have you figured it out?” Twilight asked. Above them, Celestia’s sun was rapidly climbing towards noon.
It was all Starlight could manage not to sigh. “Is it because I realized I was wrong? Or because my goal wasn’t hurting ponies?”
“Those are good guesses,” Twilight replied. “But they’re only part of the answer. Here, try this: Why did you take everypony’s cutie marks?”
“Because… because cutie marks cost me my only friend. I thought it was the only way for them to get along.”
“And when I couldn’t stop you from changing the past, why did you give up?”
Starlight couldn’t help but blink in surprise at the question. Surely the answer was obvious. “I was hurting everypony. The future I saw, there was nothing. No revenge is worth that.”
Twilight nodded. “And that’s the difference between you and Chrysalis. You cared. You always did, even when you were at your worst. I thought, once, that maybe Chrysalis just wanted to feed her children, but you and Thorax found a way to help them and she still refused. That’s the difference between the two of you.”
“I…” Starlight began, but found herself unsure what to say. She looked out across the town, spotting Party Favor walking down the single street. He smiled, giving her a friendly wave.
Twilight beamed as Starlight waved back.
The concept is nice and the conflict is quite appropriate for the involved characters. The resolution feels in line with the show and it makes sense.
My problem with it is that it feels a bit too didascalic. We have a moral lesson and we have a couple of interactions between characters here which never evolve enough. The word limit is a harsh mistress, and the structure you have chosen here is very difficult to pull through in such a limited space.
With four scenes you don't have room to breathe, and it makes everything feel a bit stilted.
That said, if you expand it after the round I can see that it can become a quite nice tale of self-discovery.
My problem with it is that it feels a bit too didascalic. We have a moral lesson and we have a couple of interactions between characters here which never evolve enough. The word limit is a harsh mistress, and the structure you have chosen here is very difficult to pull through in such a limited space.
With four scenes you don't have room to breathe, and it makes everything feel a bit stilted.
That said, if you expand it after the round I can see that it can become a quite nice tale of self-discovery.
One of the greatest challenges of the minific round is trying to compress an entire story into a terribly small space. Unfortunately, this story aimed too high; it could easily have been lengthened to a Short Story round entry, and would've been quite a good story in that environment.
To echo Kettle - the story suffocates from lack of space, and whilst the ideas are interesting, they don't have the necessary room to be organically explored; this has the side effect of leaving some of the voicing feeling off, Twilight's especially; the dialogue has lost personal ticks and such, and becomes overly expositionry.
To echo Kettle - the story suffocates from lack of space, and whilst the ideas are interesting, they don't have the necessary room to be organically explored; this has the side effect of leaving some of the voicing feeling off, Twilight's especially; the dialogue has lost personal ticks and such, and becomes overly expositionry.
I think I'll disagree with the two commentors above me (sorry, guys). I don't think the word limit was too constricting on this fic. Could this have been better if it were a short story? Of course it would have! But then again 80% - 90% of the minifics submitted could have worked better as a short story. I try not to judge a story based off of "what it could have been" or "missed opportunites" and I try to stick to what actually is there. And for this story and what's in this story, it's solid. It's not great, but it's far from bad.
The main problem in the story feels like one Starlight would have the morning after, and I mean the morning after they defeated Chrysalis in the finale. So, points for a realistic problem. Was Starlight's reaction to open up like a spring flower on the spot super-realistic? No. But word count. I did say I'm not deducting from this fic for word count, and I stand by that, but I did also say 80% - 90% of minifics would benefit if they were short stories, and even if it's only minorly.
The moral for this story was strong, but here's the thing. When I was done reading this story, I was thought to myself: "hey, what a great moral!" But... I found myself wondering why since the story wasn't all that spectacular, 11/10, would read again and again and again.
Then ol' beautiful bastard Kettle came up with my word of the day: "Didascalic." Basically, what the five cent word means is: "intended to teach." See, this whole story was intended to teach a moral. And while it's a good moral, that's all the story is: a moral. There's not too much else to it besides some nifty dialogue.
Overall, I give this six and a half Trixie Hats out of ten. It's solid work, and most importantly, I enjoyed it. And it made me feel warm inside. Good work!
The main problem in the story feels like one Starlight would have the morning after, and I mean the morning after they defeated Chrysalis in the finale. So, points for a realistic problem. Was Starlight's reaction to open up like a spring flower on the spot super-realistic? No. But word count. I did say I'm not deducting from this fic for word count, and I stand by that, but I did also say 80% - 90% of minifics would benefit if they were short stories, and even if it's only minorly.
The moral for this story was strong, but here's the thing. When I was done reading this story, I was thought to myself: "hey, what a great moral!" But... I found myself wondering why since the story wasn't all that spectacular, 11/10, would read again and again and again.
Then ol' beautiful bastard Kettle came up with my word of the day: "Didascalic." Basically, what the five cent word means is: "intended to teach." See, this whole story was intended to teach a moral. And while it's a good moral, that's all the story is: a moral. There's not too much else to it besides some nifty dialogue.
Overall, I give this six and a half Trixie Hats out of ten. It's solid work, and most importantly, I enjoyed it. And it made me feel warm inside. Good work!
This story seems to have an actual act-based structure!
That's always nice to see. However, while I appreciate your ambitions, I don't feel like this story has enough depth or scope to really wow me. It's doing a lot of things right, but it's not doing any one thing right enough to knock it out of the park. You could tighten up your prose a bit, I think; things like: "a voice spoke out behind her" are awkward and redundant, since a voice can't really speak and it's later obvious that it's behind her, stuff like that? If you cut a hundred words that way, you could put them back in to re-enforce the narrative somehow and give the whole thing more kick overall.
Headed in the right direction, but not as strongly as I'd like to see.
That's always nice to see. However, while I appreciate your ambitions, I don't feel like this story has enough depth or scope to really wow me. It's doing a lot of things right, but it's not doing any one thing right enough to knock it out of the park. You could tighten up your prose a bit, I think; things like: "a voice spoke out behind her" are awkward and redundant, since a voice can't really speak and it's later obvious that it's behind her, stuff like that? If you cut a hundred words that way, you could put them back in to re-enforce the narrative somehow and give the whole thing more kick overall.
Headed in the right direction, but not as strongly as I'd like to see.
Very much in line with the canon show here, which is good. Very plausible approach to Twilight's teaching methods too. As noted everywhere though, word limits... *sigh* I think this may have benefited from being in first person. Then the narration itself helps color in some of the thoughts Starlight is having, rather than her needing to voice them directly to each character. Just an idea if you expand, rework.
That said, I enjoyed this, and find it pretty solid, if not exceptional. Though to be honest, I haven't found any on my slate yet that are.
That said, I enjoyed this, and find it pretty solid, if not exceptional. Though to be honest, I haven't found any on my slate yet that are.
Wasn’t a major point of the Season 6 premiere Twilight learning to step back and not micromanage every inch of her student’s curriculum? On the other hand, “Twilight Time” showed that she understood the principle of letting students teach themselves… Ugh. Never mind.
I do love seeing Trixie’s third-person tendencies behave contagiously.
In the end, while I like both the question and the intended solution, this doesn’t quite satisfy. At least one more conversation would be nice, giving the story a Rule of Three structure. I can only imagine Discord’s perspective on this…
I definitely look forward to seeing this expanded. For now, it doesn’t quite hit the mark.
I do love seeing Trixie’s third-person tendencies behave contagiously.
In the end, while I like both the question and the intended solution, this doesn’t quite satisfy. At least one more conversation would be nice, giving the story a Rule of Three structure. I can only imagine Discord’s perspective on this…
I definitely look forward to seeing this expanded. For now, it doesn’t quite hit the mark.
Maybe I will partly echo what the others have already said. The story feels like you shoehorned it into a stereotyped template: question, personal research, answer. That's very academic.
The idea is fine, as well as the way you conflated two episodes to raise a good question. It's the treatment of it that lacks originality. Because of that rigid frame, even the plot feels contrived, devised to fit into that structure.
Take the same, expand it, think a bit outside the box, and you'll be fine.
The idea is fine, as well as the way you conflated two episodes to raise a good question. It's the treatment of it that lacks originality. Because of that rigid frame, even the plot feels contrived, devised to fit into that structure.
Take the same, expand it, think a bit outside the box, and you'll be fine.
I like this, but I don't know that I agree with the message completely.
First of all, Chrysalis does care about her Hive: she's a mother to all of them, raising them the best way she knows how to feed and care for them. So even at Chryssi's darkest, I don't agree there's a difference there. If anything, Chrysalis was thinking of others while Starlight was concerned only with herself!
I think the difference is two things: Starlight realized she made a mistake, and she feels guilty for the mistake. Chrysalis hasn't shown either one of those virtues, especially not the latter one. Ever since she reformed, Starlight has felt guilty. Ponies who are 'evil' don't think they're capable of doing anything wrong, and they don't stew in depression like Starlight is doing throughout this story. I think that's a stronger message because Starlight shows that behavior throughout this entire story, from beginning to end.
In general, wondering if you're terrible is excellent evidence you're not—take that from somepony who knows it all too well. I might be biased because it's a lesson I've had to learn, but it's the biggest takeaway I get from this, so I had to mention it.
First of all, Chrysalis does care about her Hive: she's a mother to all of them, raising them the best way she knows how to feed and care for them. So even at Chryssi's darkest, I don't agree there's a difference there. If anything, Chrysalis was thinking of others while Starlight was concerned only with herself!
I think the difference is two things: Starlight realized she made a mistake, and she feels guilty for the mistake. Chrysalis hasn't shown either one of those virtues, especially not the latter one. Ever since she reformed, Starlight has felt guilty. Ponies who are 'evil' don't think they're capable of doing anything wrong, and they don't stew in depression like Starlight is doing throughout this story. I think that's a stronger message because Starlight shows that behavior throughout this entire story, from beginning to end.
In general, wondering if you're terrible is excellent evidence you're not—take that from somepony who knows it all too well. I might be biased because it's a lesson I've had to learn, but it's the biggest takeaway I get from this, so I had to mention it.
>>Trick_Question
Tell us about your time travel genocide adventures sometime. :D
What's weird about this, to me, is that Starlight's being tasked with solving her angst herself, but rather than by looking inward for the answers, she's looking outward. She's crowdsourcing her identity crisis. And she still doesn't get it by the end of the story; Twilight has to take her to the desired answer herself.
Starlight feels like a Rorschach test to the other characters in the story, and her conclusion at the end isn't something she reached based on self-reflection. Whatever Twilight was trying to accomplish, I think it backfired.
In general, wondering if you're terrible is excellent evidence you're not—take that from somepony who knows it all too well. I might be biased because it's a lesson I've had to learn, but it's the biggest takeaway I get from this, so I had to mention it.
Tell us about your time travel genocide adventures sometime. :D
What's weird about this, to me, is that Starlight's being tasked with solving her angst herself, but rather than by looking inward for the answers, she's looking outward. She's crowdsourcing her identity crisis. And she still doesn't get it by the end of the story; Twilight has to take her to the desired answer herself.
Starlight feels like a Rorschach test to the other characters in the story, and her conclusion at the end isn't something she reached based on self-reflection. Whatever Twilight was trying to accomplish, I think it backfired.
It's an interesting question, but one that I think would be better served by a longer story about Starlight discovering her answer through a quest of some sort - proving the difference to herself through her actions - rather than simply being told in a quick discussion. As others mention, there's not quite enough scope to the exploration to feel really satisfying in this form. It suffers from the word limit by being forced into getting the message across didactically, instead of through organic self-discovery.
That said, on the plus side I still think the size limit was handled well for what the story is. I'm impressed that you managed to get four scenes into a minific and not have it feel too cramped, except for maybe just a bit at the end of the last one where the story feels to me as if it cuts off rather abruptly.
That said, on the plus side I still think the size limit was handled well for what the story is. I'm impressed that you managed to get four scenes into a minific and not have it feel too cramped, except for maybe just a bit at the end of the last one where the story feels to me as if it cuts off rather abruptly.
Similitude
Not much to say about this one, other than that the reviewers mostly nailed it; my first draft of this story weighed in at 1,400 words, and that's without the scenes with Discord and/or Luna I'd considered. I wasn't sure I'd even be able to get it down to 750, and I ended up cutting out basically all the introspection and interaction. I probably would have been better off with a different, less ambitious concept, but by then it was too late to start over.
I did keep the original version, though, and there were enough encouraging words that I might end up polishing it and putting it up in the group (which would be my first story on Fimfiction; I was waiting on something especially successful in order to start off with a bang).
>>Trick_Question
I might slightly disagree with this one. I know Chrysalis doing what she did for her hive was common fanon after Canterlot Wedding, but I think To Where and Back Again showed that at her core all that Chrysalis cares about is Chrysalis.
Also, I think it's clear that since being reformed Starlight is nothing like Chrysalis. What I was going for in this story was more her worrying that she was like Chrysalis *before* being reformed, and I felt that isn't really true, because while Starlight was wrong in her goals, she didn't ignore those around her; she at least thought she was helping the ponies of her town, and reacted badly to the suggestion that her time travel was hurting other ponies.
>>Orbiting_kettle >>Foehn >>ChappedPenguinLips >>Not_A_Hat >>Xepher >>FanOfMostEverything >>Monokeras >>Posh >>Winston
Not much to say about this one, other than that the reviewers mostly nailed it; my first draft of this story weighed in at 1,400 words, and that's without the scenes with Discord and/or Luna I'd considered. I wasn't sure I'd even be able to get it down to 750, and I ended up cutting out basically all the introspection and interaction. I probably would have been better off with a different, less ambitious concept, but by then it was too late to start over.
I did keep the original version, though, and there were enough encouraging words that I might end up polishing it and putting it up in the group (which would be my first story on Fimfiction; I was waiting on something especially successful in order to start off with a bang).
>>Trick_Question
I might slightly disagree with this one. I know Chrysalis doing what she did for her hive was common fanon after Canterlot Wedding, but I think To Where and Back Again showed that at her core all that Chrysalis cares about is Chrysalis.
Also, I think it's clear that since being reformed Starlight is nothing like Chrysalis. What I was going for in this story was more her worrying that she was like Chrysalis *before* being reformed, and I felt that isn't really true, because while Starlight was wrong in her goals, she didn't ignore those around her; she at least thought she was helping the ponies of her town, and reacted badly to the suggestion that her time travel was hurting other ponies.
>>Orbiting_kettle >>Foehn >>ChappedPenguinLips >>Not_A_Hat >>Xepher >>FanOfMostEverything >>Monokeras >>Posh >>Winston
>>Bremen
On that part we have to disagree. If somepony magically changed all of your children into bizarre animals and you had no idea how to save them, would you submit to the enemy, or run away and plot? She's filled with rage, sure, but she's a mother who lacked the ability to help her children. And we see her acting motherly earlier in Season 6. Bad guys might tend to be "alien" on the show, but even beings with very alien mindsets have families that they sacrifice for.
As for the message, I must apologize because mine was not a fair criticism: I was mentioning the message that I would want to send. It might be critique that the message you were trying to send was not obvious to me, though, so at the end I wasn't sure the conclusion resonated with my expectations.
I know Chrysalis doing what she did for her hive was common fanon after Canterlot Wedding, but I think To Where and Back Again showed that at her core all that Chrysalis cares about is Chrysalis.
On that part we have to disagree. If somepony magically changed all of your children into bizarre animals and you had no idea how to save them, would you submit to the enemy, or run away and plot? She's filled with rage, sure, but she's a mother who lacked the ability to help her children. And we see her acting motherly earlier in Season 6. Bad guys might tend to be "alien" on the show, but even beings with very alien mindsets have families that they sacrifice for.
As for the message, I must apologize because mine was not a fair criticism: I was mentioning the message that I would want to send. It might be critique that the message you were trying to send was not obvious to me, though, so at the end I wasn't sure the conclusion resonated with my expectations.