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Moonbreeze
The thud of the door was like the low rumble of thunder. Barely noticeable, but with warning of things to come.
Starlight clutched her quilt close, her eyes tracing the crooked lines of her little bedroom's wooden ceiling. It was the same boring ceiling, but it felt even more so now. Sunburst would have pointed out images in the cracks and lines. His happy voice echoed in her ears, whispering in the dark, trying to make her smile. Only a phantom, a longing need. Accompanying it, a wretched feeling that made her want to lash out. Lash out at Celestia, for taking him away to her school. Lash out at his parents, for letting him apply. Lash out at the headmaster, for not letting her follow. Lash out at Sunburst for forgetting her.
Just lash out.
Her gaze drifted through her closed window. Through the glass she could see the bright face of the moon, upon which was painted the great Mare. Starlight had never thought much about the Mare in the Moon. Was she lonely up there? Did she spend all her years watching little fillies and wishing they would be her friend? She loomed like a specter, her dark gaze scouring the mountains and fields. So few ponies looked back. None that Starlight knew. Maybe all she needed was one pony to care. If Starlight cared, would they both be happy again?
"Are you all alone?" Would the great Mare even hear her quiet voice? The headmaster was next door. Starlight would just have to trust in hope. "I'm alone too. Would you be my friend?"
The Mare stared at her through the dark blackness of the night, but spoke not a word. Starlight watched. Waited. Listened. Maybe it would take time. Maybe the Mare wouldn't hear her question until tomorrow. The moon was far away. That had to be it. It wasn't because the Mare didn't care. She wasn't insignificant. Tiny, like a little pea in a great big field of clover. That wasn't her. The Mare would hear.
So she stared up at the moon, fighting the flippy-floppy antics of her belly and the feeling of smallness.
The vast clover field stretched beyond a horizon clearly visible even in the all-swallowing dark. Starlight turned a circle, trying to make anything out. Nothing but clover and black. She called for Sunburst. For the headmaster. For anypony. The shadows sucked up her voice, every word making her feel more and more empty. She stopped speaking, fearful of losing anymore of... of whatever was being taken from her. She sank to her knees in the clover and trembled.
If only she could see Sunburst again. If only she wasn't so small. Why did he have to be different? She didn't want to be alone! Maybe if she walked...
She couldn't. Her heart felt so heavy. Even standing proved impossible. So she rested her chin and sobbed in the dark, alone and miserable.
The clover tickled her muzzle. Forcing her eyes open, she watched as the field waved like an emerald sea. A chill wind struck, brushed across her withers, toyed with her mane. A gasp left her, rising into the night sky as steam. It was indeed a night sky now, adorned with sparkling stars like a million fireflies on a cold winter evening.
Across the fields, the gentlest of sounds came to her. A faint humming, peaceful and slow, to a tune she didn't know. It caressed her ears, an ancient but soothing music that lifted the weight from her heart and let her breathe easy. As the chill crept along her back, the world grew steadily brighter.
Her legs at last obeyed. She stood and turned around, her motions guided by that cold wind. The moon arose, taking up the distant horizon with its splendorous size. The great Mare gazed upon her, imposing and majestic. The humming went on, faint yet all-encompassing.
Starlight didn't feel so small anymore.
Starlight awoke, still nestled in her quilt. Confusion and loss filled her as she examined her dark room, but she saw and heard nothing. Yet, when her eyes met those of the Mare through her open window, she smiled. Turning over, she snuggled into her pillow and whispered a quiet thanks.
Time passed. Shadows grew.
A cold wind brushed the locks from the slumbering filly's face.
If one listened hard enough, if one desired to know, one might have heard a soft humming on the breeze.
Starlight clutched her quilt close, her eyes tracing the crooked lines of her little bedroom's wooden ceiling. It was the same boring ceiling, but it felt even more so now. Sunburst would have pointed out images in the cracks and lines. His happy voice echoed in her ears, whispering in the dark, trying to make her smile. Only a phantom, a longing need. Accompanying it, a wretched feeling that made her want to lash out. Lash out at Celestia, for taking him away to her school. Lash out at his parents, for letting him apply. Lash out at the headmaster, for not letting her follow. Lash out at Sunburst for forgetting her.
Just lash out.
Her gaze drifted through her closed window. Through the glass she could see the bright face of the moon, upon which was painted the great Mare. Starlight had never thought much about the Mare in the Moon. Was she lonely up there? Did she spend all her years watching little fillies and wishing they would be her friend? She loomed like a specter, her dark gaze scouring the mountains and fields. So few ponies looked back. None that Starlight knew. Maybe all she needed was one pony to care. If Starlight cared, would they both be happy again?
"Are you all alone?" Would the great Mare even hear her quiet voice? The headmaster was next door. Starlight would just have to trust in hope. "I'm alone too. Would you be my friend?"
The Mare stared at her through the dark blackness of the night, but spoke not a word. Starlight watched. Waited. Listened. Maybe it would take time. Maybe the Mare wouldn't hear her question until tomorrow. The moon was far away. That had to be it. It wasn't because the Mare didn't care. She wasn't insignificant. Tiny, like a little pea in a great big field of clover. That wasn't her. The Mare would hear.
So she stared up at the moon, fighting the flippy-floppy antics of her belly and the feeling of smallness.
The vast clover field stretched beyond a horizon clearly visible even in the all-swallowing dark. Starlight turned a circle, trying to make anything out. Nothing but clover and black. She called for Sunburst. For the headmaster. For anypony. The shadows sucked up her voice, every word making her feel more and more empty. She stopped speaking, fearful of losing anymore of... of whatever was being taken from her. She sank to her knees in the clover and trembled.
If only she could see Sunburst again. If only she wasn't so small. Why did he have to be different? She didn't want to be alone! Maybe if she walked...
She couldn't. Her heart felt so heavy. Even standing proved impossible. So she rested her chin and sobbed in the dark, alone and miserable.
The clover tickled her muzzle. Forcing her eyes open, she watched as the field waved like an emerald sea. A chill wind struck, brushed across her withers, toyed with her mane. A gasp left her, rising into the night sky as steam. It was indeed a night sky now, adorned with sparkling stars like a million fireflies on a cold winter evening.
Across the fields, the gentlest of sounds came to her. A faint humming, peaceful and slow, to a tune she didn't know. It caressed her ears, an ancient but soothing music that lifted the weight from her heart and let her breathe easy. As the chill crept along her back, the world grew steadily brighter.
Her legs at last obeyed. She stood and turned around, her motions guided by that cold wind. The moon arose, taking up the distant horizon with its splendorous size. The great Mare gazed upon her, imposing and majestic. The humming went on, faint yet all-encompassing.
Starlight didn't feel so small anymore.
Starlight awoke, still nestled in her quilt. Confusion and loss filled her as she examined her dark room, but she saw and heard nothing. Yet, when her eyes met those of the Mare through her open window, she smiled. Turning over, she snuggled into her pillow and whispered a quiet thanks.
Time passed. Shadows grew.
A cold wind brushed the locks from the slumbering filly's face.
If one listened hard enough, if one desired to know, one might have heard a soft humming on the breeze.
I was humming this song when I read this.
This has probably the most complete emotional arc I've seen yet this round, and the prose and imagery is very pleasant to boot. I didn't catch on that it was child!Starlight until a bit late, though; a little more care in framing the narrative might help.
This has probably the most complete emotional arc I've seen yet this round, and the prose and imagery is very pleasant to boot. I didn't catch on that it was child!Starlight until a bit late, though; a little more care in framing the narrative might help.
>>Not_A_Hat
Objection! We know that from the second pararaph!
If Starlight was in Twi's castle, it would be a crystal ceiling.
With this, we know Starlight isn't in a vacation (unless it's very long one and she sleeps at the same place every night)
If we were after Starlight's reformation, she wouldn't be mad at both Celestia and Sunburst.
I'm done; *mic drops*
As for the rest, I will agree with >>Not_A_Hat. The emotions are conveyed nicely and the ending is heartwarming. Even if it still left me with some questions, this story did good for me. Thank you for sharing.
Objection! We know that from the second pararaph!
her eyes tracing the crooked lines of her little bedroom's wooden ceiling
If Starlight was in Twi's castle, it would be a crystal ceiling.
It was the same boring ceiling,
With this, we know Starlight isn't in a vacation (unless it's very long one and she sleeps at the same place every night)
Lash out at Celestia, for taking him away to her school.[...] Lash out at Sunburst for forgetting her.
If we were after Starlight's reformation, she wouldn't be mad at both Celestia and Sunburst.
I'm done; *mic drops*
As for the rest, I will agree with >>Not_A_Hat. The emotions are conveyed nicely and the ending is heartwarming. Even if it still left me with some questions, this story did good for me. Thank you for sharing.
>>Fenton
I thought it was obvious based on the author drawing attention to the mare on the moon. Lunas face disappeared off the moon when she was released.
I thought it was obvious based on the author drawing attention to the mare on the moon. Lunas face disappeared off the moon when she was released.
Wow.
Thumbs up for this story. Well written, strong feels. I don't have much to say other than praise.
>>Not_A_Hat
The story reminded me more of this song.
( oh and by the way, the music you linked is really good, thank you for sharing!)
Thumbs up for this story. Well written, strong feels. I don't have much to say other than praise.
>>Not_A_Hat
The story reminded me more of this song.
( oh and by the way, the music you linked is really good, thank you for sharing!)
her little bedroom'swas already a heavy hint about Starlight's age for me.
Very strongly written, very complete and satisfactory character arc. For whatever reason though, I didn't really... gel with Starlight. I didn't feel her. I guess this is another classic case of just wanting a lot more from a minific than is reasonable, so I won't rank you down for that.
Very good job, there's no other way to describe the story other than "solid".
Very good job, there's no other way to describe the story other than "solid".
As others have said, this fits a quite admirable arc in its space. And yet, like >>regidar, I'm not feeling it connect.
I think my main hesitation is how this seems to be explicitly setting itself up as prequel/backstory for Starlight (and Luna), but the arc of the story is a hurt/comfort fic, and that means that the biggest emotional beat relies on selling the comfort angle. The more effectively you do that, however, the more squarely you put this at odds with canon, in which both of the protagonists became villains due to their isolation. Is this an AU in which the entire MLP universe's plotline is averted because these two found each other? If so, this needs a lot more signposting than it currently has (i.e., zero).
That said, I do want to specifically commend you for the reuse of the clover, which I thought was strong use of theme and imagery.
This is another case, by the way, where I thought that it was building up to a dark twist, like "the Nightmare responds to Starlight and starts whispering to her in her dreams, reinforcing the isolation and setting up her villainous break". Unlike the other story where I expected that, I was a little taken aback by the happy ending here, exactly because of that canon disconnect. You'd pretty much have to upend your story to take it in that direction, so I don't know that I can recommend that as a change, but it might make for an interesting alternate take on your setup here.
Anyway, regardless of my disconnection with the story, it works on its own internal logic, with good use of its space as well as imagery and prose. I'm going to be putting it near the top of my prelims slate, out of proportion to my actual enjoyment, because I don't feel like I should be docking it for external factors. That said, I do strongly urge you to figure out a way to square it with canon, because its quality as fanfiction feels much more fragile than its quality as a story for the reasons I give above.
Tier: Strong
I think my main hesitation is how this seems to be explicitly setting itself up as prequel/backstory for Starlight (and Luna), but the arc of the story is a hurt/comfort fic, and that means that the biggest emotional beat relies on selling the comfort angle. The more effectively you do that, however, the more squarely you put this at odds with canon, in which both of the protagonists became villains due to their isolation. Is this an AU in which the entire MLP universe's plotline is averted because these two found each other? If so, this needs a lot more signposting than it currently has (i.e., zero).
That said, I do want to specifically commend you for the reuse of the clover, which I thought was strong use of theme and imagery.
This is another case, by the way, where I thought that it was building up to a dark twist, like "the Nightmare responds to Starlight and starts whispering to her in her dreams, reinforcing the isolation and setting up her villainous break". Unlike the other story where I expected that, I was a little taken aback by the happy ending here, exactly because of that canon disconnect. You'd pretty much have to upend your story to take it in that direction, so I don't know that I can recommend that as a change, but it might make for an interesting alternate take on your setup here.
Anyway, regardless of my disconnection with the story, it works on its own internal logic, with good use of its space as well as imagery and prose. I'm going to be putting it near the top of my prelims slate, out of proportion to my actual enjoyment, because I don't feel like I should be docking it for external factors. That said, I do strongly urge you to figure out a way to square it with canon, because its quality as fanfiction feels much more fragile than its quality as a story for the reasons I give above.
Tier: Strong
Nice little story that fits well into the wordcount. My main complaint is that it feels a little at odds with the established arc of Starlight and an excess of clarification (meaning where you repeat identifiers like 'she' even though it's obvious to the reader that character focus hasn't changed). It's not so much a 'wrong' thing as it is an optimization for flow, mind you, just a pet peeve of mine.
