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FimFiction: https://www.fimfiction.net/user/261691/moonwhisperderpy
Sorry for the late reply, but I wanted to thank all of you for your feedback.
Perhaps for my first writeoff I should have been less ambitious. I realize that the story needed more thinking and working out in order to make sense. The fact that Celestia can move the sun was at the same time the core idea and the bane of the story. The MLP canon allows for a unique twist (or at least rare) on vampire stories, but the power level of Celestia alone is such that instead of replacing the vampire threat with another one (fatigue, sleep deprivation), as was my intention, it should easily eliminate most threats presented.
>>Novel_Idea
That's because it never meant to be a horror story. The focus was meant to be on survival.
>>AndrewRogue
Indeed, if I went for a mature/gore story, there would have been a couple of deaths.
Anyway you're right. I figured that a minimum of staff would be required in a (unspecified, I admit) diplomatic mission to a foreign land, but in doing so I had too many characters that needed characterization.
>>Xepher
There are nine ponies. Celestia didn't count herself.
Yes, it was copy-pasted from an editor. I should have checked before submitting.
>>Ranmilia
Thank you! :-)
I found your feedback to be useful, constructive and encouraging, and I really appreciated it. I hope I'll be able to improve myself for the next contest.
Perhaps for my first writeoff I should have been less ambitious. I realize that the story needed more thinking and working out in order to make sense. The fact that Celestia can move the sun was at the same time the core idea and the bane of the story. The MLP canon allows for a unique twist (or at least rare) on vampire stories, but the power level of Celestia alone is such that instead of replacing the vampire threat with another one (fatigue, sleep deprivation), as was my intention, it should easily eliminate most threats presented.
>>Novel_Idea
This felt like a story trying to be a horror story without actually going into horror.
That's because it never meant to be a horror story. The focus was meant to be on survival.
>>AndrewRogue
Beyond that, the team could use some punched up characterization as, right now, they still pretty much qualify as red shirts.
Indeed, if I went for a mature/gore story, there would have been a couple of deaths.
Anyway you're right. I figured that a minimum of staff would be required in a (unspecified, I admit) diplomatic mission to a foreign land, but in doing so I had too many characters that needed characterization.
>>Xepher
She counts "eight" at the start, but ten ponies are named.
There are nine ponies. Celestia didn't count herself.
Some formatting problems with quotes, likely copy/paste problem from an editor.
Yes, it was copy-pasted from an editor. I should have checked before submitting.
>>Ranmilia
The author might not have as much experience as some of the competition, but they're clearly trying and headed in the right direction, and I love seeing that. Thank you for writing and throwing your hat into the ring here! Take all the feedback into account, keep on writing and keep on learning!
Thank you! :-)
I found your feedback to be useful, constructive and encouraging, and I really appreciated it. I hope I'll be able to improve myself for the next contest.
>>Cyrano
>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>Lamplighter
>>zaponator
>>Trick_Question
>>Morning Sun
Sorry for the late reply. Anyway, thank you very much for your feedback!
Just to be clear, I'll explain a few references.
The Tirek reference comes from the first Gen1 movie. I didn't watch it, btw, just made a quick research to describe the scene.
The bookworm is a reference to a IDW comic.
Fyre-Flye is Lauren Faust's nick on Deviantart. So yes, Princess Fyreflye is basically Fausticorn, only with a less obvious name.
Wild Fire is a OC created by Sibsy, who worked as storyboard artist on the show.
Why Wild Fire? I simply didn't know any other OC of artists who are still working on the show.
I wanted to integrate a bit of real-life, and the concept of show generations, as an in-world cosmology lore. I had this idea in mind for some time, but I had to find a way to translate it into a story.
I realize that Wild Fire is an odd choice, but if Celestia or Twilight was meant to create the next generation, the connection with the real-life G5 creation would be lost.
I will definitely try to improve this story, especially the scenes and the characters that were too rushed. I hope to publish it on FimFic someday.
Thank you for reviewing my story, see you next time!
>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>Lamplighter
>>zaponator
>>Trick_Question
>>Morning Sun
Sorry for the late reply. Anyway, thank you very much for your feedback!
Just to be clear, I'll explain a few references.
The Tirek reference comes from the first Gen1 movie. I didn't watch it, btw, just made a quick research to describe the scene.
The bookworm is a reference to a IDW comic.
Fyre-Flye is Lauren Faust's nick on Deviantart. So yes, Princess Fyreflye is basically Fausticorn, only with a less obvious name.
Wild Fire is a OC created by Sibsy, who worked as storyboard artist on the show.
Why Wild Fire? I simply didn't know any other OC of artists who are still working on the show.
I wanted to integrate a bit of real-life, and the concept of show generations, as an in-world cosmology lore. I had this idea in mind for some time, but I had to find a way to translate it into a story.
I realize that Wild Fire is an odd choice, but if Celestia or Twilight was meant to create the next generation, the connection with the real-life G5 creation would be lost.
I will definitely try to improve this story, especially the scenes and the characters that were too rushed. I hope to publish it on FimFic someday.
Thank you for reviewing my story, see you next time!
Really good piece here, very well structured in its three acts. I especially enjoyed the second one: the mood, the world-building, and Luna's role as dream-teacher.
The only thing that felt a bit off is Rosehip. Not her frankness as >>CoffeeMinion pointed out, but the fact that she suddenly became the focus of the third act. I get that everyone only see her as the family's maid, more like a servant, so going unnoticed may actually be the point. But as the readers we don't see why Diamond Tiara should have such a meaningful interaction with her, instead of a reconciliation with her father.
We get a bit of motivation with the scratches from the broken glass, and the desire to apologize. You could stress this part and introduce it earlier. Make Diamond Tiara mistreat Rosehip and then regret it. Or maybe give a deeper connection between Rosehip and the grandmother's tiara.
Anyway, I'm probably nitpicking, and this entry definitely belongs to the upper tier.
The only thing that felt a bit off is Rosehip. Not her frankness as >>CoffeeMinion pointed out, but the fact that she suddenly became the focus of the third act. I get that everyone only see her as the family's maid, more like a servant, so going unnoticed may actually be the point. But as the readers we don't see why Diamond Tiara should have such a meaningful interaction with her, instead of a reconciliation with her father.
We get a bit of motivation with the scratches from the broken glass, and the desire to apologize. You could stress this part and introduce it earlier. Make Diamond Tiara mistreat Rosehip and then regret it. Or maybe give a deeper connection between Rosehip and the grandmother's tiara.
Anyway, I'm probably nitpicking, and this entry definitely belongs to the upper tier.
>>regidar
>>Ion-Sturm
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>Fenton
>>AndrewRogue
>>Not_A_Hat
>>MLPmatthewl419
This is my second entry in the Writeoff. My first was a FIM short story which was probably too ambitious and suffered from it, so I wanted to make a simpler, slice of life story, and the minific round was the right place for it.
I agree that I have to put more effort on cleaning and correcting spelling errors. That's definitely something I have to improve. For the next time maybe I will have to ask some help first to check all the mistakes.
I realize also that the tension is poorly managed. Everything is resolved in just two lines. I should take the suggestions from >>AndrewRogue and >>Not_A_Hat and describe more Trixie's relationship with her grandmother, so that the stakes are clear from the beginning and the inner conflict is built more progressively.
Originally, the story should have ended on a more positive note. The idea was to have a scene where Trixie meets Starlight, who tries to comfort her. In this dialogue Trixie would have used the third person which would contrast to how she speaks with her grandmother. But since this scene didn't fit in the word count, the use of first person feels off-character.
As Fenton pointed out, there should have been a mention of defeating Chrysalis. Since I didn't put the scene with Starlight, there is no reference to the show's timeline, so it can simply be set before season 6.
Anyway, thank you very much for reading and commenting. It's always nice to have feedback.
>>regidar
>>MLPmatthewl419
Glad you enjoyed it! :)
>>Ion-Sturm
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>Fenton
>>AndrewRogue
>>Not_A_Hat
>>MLPmatthewl419
This is my second entry in the Writeoff. My first was a FIM short story which was probably too ambitious and suffered from it, so I wanted to make a simpler, slice of life story, and the minific round was the right place for it.
I agree that I have to put more effort on cleaning and correcting spelling errors. That's definitely something I have to improve. For the next time maybe I will have to ask some help first to check all the mistakes.
I realize also that the tension is poorly managed. Everything is resolved in just two lines. I should take the suggestions from >>AndrewRogue and >>Not_A_Hat and describe more Trixie's relationship with her grandmother, so that the stakes are clear from the beginning and the inner conflict is built more progressively.
Originally, the story should have ended on a more positive note. The idea was to have a scene where Trixie meets Starlight, who tries to comfort her. In this dialogue Trixie would have used the third person which would contrast to how she speaks with her grandmother. But since this scene didn't fit in the word count, the use of first person feels off-character.
As Fenton pointed out, there should have been a mention of defeating Chrysalis. Since I didn't put the scene with Starlight, there is no reference to the show's timeline, so it can simply be set before season 6.
Anyway, thank you very much for reading and commenting. It's always nice to have feedback.
>>regidar
>>MLPmatthewl419
Glad you enjoyed it! :)
>>discord
Welcome to the Writeoff!
>>Kitcat36
The time limit is the hardest part I believe, as it may clash with real-life constraints. And it takes some time just to develop some ideas. But if you have something in mind, go for it! The important thing is to have fun and get useful feedback.
And I struggled too understanding how the site worked at first.
Welcome to the Writeoff!
>>Kitcat36
The time limit is the hardest part I believe, as it may clash with real-life constraints. And it takes some time just to develop some ideas. But if you have something in mind, go for it! The important thing is to have fun and get useful feedback.
And I struggled too understanding how the site worked at first.
This is an interesting entry, which gave me a sense of poetic beauty, epic awesomeness and a few touching moments.
The author managed to concile the mortal and Deity aspects of all characters, with the exception of the Fluttershy-Discord swap that felt off. I agree with Zaid that having longer interactions would be very interesting.
However, the abstract and metaphysical nature of the story was a bit hard to digest. Several descriptions felt meaningless instead of being evocative of a cosmic state of existence.
Overall, a solid mid-upper tier.
The author managed to concile the mortal and Deity aspects of all characters, with the exception of the Fluttershy-Discord swap that felt off. I agree with Zaid that having longer interactions would be very interesting.
However, the abstract and metaphysical nature of the story was a bit hard to digest. Several descriptions felt meaningless instead of being evocative of a cosmic state of existence.
Overall, a solid mid-upper tier.