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FimFiction: https://www.fimfiction.net/user/261691/moonwhisperderpy
I liked that. It's badass, it's fun. It doesn't have to be taken seriously, the Author is playing with tropes (even the trashy retelling of classic stories is a trope itself. I believe there are already movies about Badass Little Red Riding Hood, Zombie Pride and Prejudice and stuff like that).
So yeah, I enjoyed it. There's the minimum necessary amount of references about setting, which is good: enough to hint about several werewolves and a Hunter organization out there, but not too much to leave the reader with unanswered questions.
My only concern is the rather abrupt change towards the end. We're still pumped up from the action scene when she's about to free Grandma, and then we only get a couple of lines of suspense, and we jump right into sad scene.
But I guess you had to struggle with wordcount and time limit. And the ending was really good anyway, so I think it deserves mid-to-high tier.
So yeah, I enjoyed it. There's the minimum necessary amount of references about setting, which is good: enough to hint about several werewolves and a Hunter organization out there, but not too much to leave the reader with unanswered questions.
My only concern is the rather abrupt change towards the end. We're still pumped up from the action scene when she's about to free Grandma, and then we only get a couple of lines of suspense, and we jump right into sad scene.
“There’s a injection in there and everything. It’s supposed to work at least some of the time—”That was really fast. You're talking about a possible cure and then suddenly she's doomed and can't be cured.
There was no way that I could meet her eyes.
We talked for a while that evening while I did what I could.
But I guess you had to struggle with wordcount and time limit. And the ending was really good anyway, so I think it deserves mid-to-high tier.
>>TitaniumDragon
>>Fenton
>>Pascoite
>>sharpspark
>>Xepher
>>CoffeeMinion
Wow, I never thought I would ever get first place! :D
Thank you very much!
I wanted to write something with Fluttershy, with a relaxing natural scene, and I had more or less the idea of remembrance as a gift for some time. It would have made sense that the changelings acted as the rest of the Mane Six, but it would have cluttered the fic with too many voices and characters. Instead, the changelings acted as animals.
As most of you pointed out, the story raises several questions. I left them unanswered on purpose. There's no right answer to what happened, what kind of relationship there is between Twilight, Fluttershy and Thorax etc. You can assume that Twilight and Thorax are immortal, as >>CoffeeMinion said. The way I wrote it, the background is not meant to be the focus of the story. Maybe in a longer format I could give more answers, though. Honestly, I didn't put much thought on it.
I realize there are some things that can be improved. As >>Fenton pointed out, it was hard to make the voice sound like Fluttershy's to mislead the reader while keeping it believable as Thorax's (for instance, not calling the animals with their names was intentional, but calling Angel "white bunny" would have been too odd and revealing). I also agree with >>sharpspark that the pace should slowly reveal the oddities and "clues" in the right order, but I also wanted to set up some kind of conflict (Fluttershy is worried) early on.
Anyway, thank you for reading and commenting this. I'm glad you liked it!
>>Fenton
>>Pascoite
>>sharpspark
>>Xepher
>>CoffeeMinion
Wow, I never thought I would ever get first place! :D
Thank you very much!
I wanted to write something with Fluttershy, with a relaxing natural scene, and I had more or less the idea of remembrance as a gift for some time. It would have made sense that the changelings acted as the rest of the Mane Six, but it would have cluttered the fic with too many voices and characters. Instead, the changelings acted as animals.
As most of you pointed out, the story raises several questions. I left them unanswered on purpose. There's no right answer to what happened, what kind of relationship there is between Twilight, Fluttershy and Thorax etc. You can assume that Twilight and Thorax are immortal, as >>CoffeeMinion said. The way I wrote it, the background is not meant to be the focus of the story. Maybe in a longer format I could give more answers, though. Honestly, I didn't put much thought on it.
I realize there are some things that can be improved. As >>Fenton pointed out, it was hard to make the voice sound like Fluttershy's to mislead the reader while keeping it believable as Thorax's (for instance, not calling the animals with their names was intentional, but calling Angel "white bunny" would have been too odd and revealing). I also agree with >>sharpspark that the pace should slowly reveal the oddities and "clues" in the right order, but I also wanted to set up some kind of conflict (Fluttershy is worried) early on.
Anyway, thank you for reading and commenting this. I'm glad you liked it!
I know it's for the FiMFic contest, but this format seems interesting. I like to have more time to think about the story and to write it.
>>Cyrano
>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>Lamplighter
>>zaponator
>>Trick_Question
>>Morning Sun
Sorry for the late reply. Anyway, thank you very much for your feedback!
Just to be clear, I'll explain a few references.
The Tirek reference comes from the first Gen1 movie. I didn't watch it, btw, just made a quick research to describe the scene.
The bookworm is a reference to a IDW comic.
Fyre-Flye is Lauren Faust's nick on Deviantart. So yes, Princess Fyreflye is basically Fausticorn, only with a less obvious name.
Wild Fire is a OC created by Sibsy, who worked as storyboard artist on the show.
Why Wild Fire? I simply didn't know any other OC of artists who are still working on the show.
I wanted to integrate a bit of real-life, and the concept of show generations, as an in-world cosmology lore. I had this idea in mind for some time, but I had to find a way to translate it into a story.
I realize that Wild Fire is an odd choice, but if Celestia or Twilight was meant to create the next generation, the connection with the real-life G5 creation would be lost.
I will definitely try to improve this story, especially the scenes and the characters that were too rushed. I hope to publish it on FimFic someday.
Thank you for reviewing my story, see you next time!
>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>Lamplighter
>>zaponator
>>Trick_Question
>>Morning Sun
Sorry for the late reply. Anyway, thank you very much for your feedback!
Just to be clear, I'll explain a few references.
The Tirek reference comes from the first Gen1 movie. I didn't watch it, btw, just made a quick research to describe the scene.
The bookworm is a reference to a IDW comic.
Fyre-Flye is Lauren Faust's nick on Deviantart. So yes, Princess Fyreflye is basically Fausticorn, only with a less obvious name.
Wild Fire is a OC created by Sibsy, who worked as storyboard artist on the show.
Why Wild Fire? I simply didn't know any other OC of artists who are still working on the show.
I wanted to integrate a bit of real-life, and the concept of show generations, as an in-world cosmology lore. I had this idea in mind for some time, but I had to find a way to translate it into a story.
I realize that Wild Fire is an odd choice, but if Celestia or Twilight was meant to create the next generation, the connection with the real-life G5 creation would be lost.
I will definitely try to improve this story, especially the scenes and the characters that were too rushed. I hope to publish it on FimFic someday.
Thank you for reviewing my story, see you next time!
This is one of the best entries that I've read. The portrayal of Luna and Rarity was excellent, even more so considering we see them at the beginnings of their characters. We get a lovely season 1 slice of life feeling, some funny moments and enjoyable interactions, some interesting world-building and a compelling story.
For the complaints, I agree with >>Trick_Question. The poetic introduction was weird and Twilight's snuggling felt off (at least in the early season 1 setting ) About the end, I'll guess the author didn't have enough time to finish the story properly.
I hope we'll be able to see a more complete version sooner or later, because I really enjoyed reading it. Can definitely be top tier.
For the complaints, I agree with >>Trick_Question. The poetic introduction was weird and Twilight's snuggling felt off (at least in the early season 1 setting ) About the end, I'll guess the author didn't have enough time to finish the story properly.
I hope we'll be able to see a more complete version sooner or later, because I really enjoyed reading it. Can definitely be top tier.
Really good piece here, very well structured in its three acts. I especially enjoyed the second one: the mood, the world-building, and Luna's role as dream-teacher.
The only thing that felt a bit off is Rosehip. Not her frankness as >>CoffeeMinion pointed out, but the fact that she suddenly became the focus of the third act. I get that everyone only see her as the family's maid, more like a servant, so going unnoticed may actually be the point. But as the readers we don't see why Diamond Tiara should have such a meaningful interaction with her, instead of a reconciliation with her father.
We get a bit of motivation with the scratches from the broken glass, and the desire to apologize. You could stress this part and introduce it earlier. Make Diamond Tiara mistreat Rosehip and then regret it. Or maybe give a deeper connection between Rosehip and the grandmother's tiara.
Anyway, I'm probably nitpicking, and this entry definitely belongs to the upper tier.
The only thing that felt a bit off is Rosehip. Not her frankness as >>CoffeeMinion pointed out, but the fact that she suddenly became the focus of the third act. I get that everyone only see her as the family's maid, more like a servant, so going unnoticed may actually be the point. But as the readers we don't see why Diamond Tiara should have such a meaningful interaction with her, instead of a reconciliation with her father.
We get a bit of motivation with the scratches from the broken glass, and the desire to apologize. You could stress this part and introduce it earlier. Make Diamond Tiara mistreat Rosehip and then regret it. Or maybe give a deeper connection between Rosehip and the grandmother's tiara.
Anyway, I'm probably nitpicking, and this entry definitely belongs to the upper tier.
This is an interesting entry, which gave me a sense of poetic beauty, epic awesomeness and a few touching moments.
The author managed to concile the mortal and Deity aspects of all characters, with the exception of the Fluttershy-Discord swap that felt off. I agree with Zaid that having longer interactions would be very interesting.
However, the abstract and metaphysical nature of the story was a bit hard to digest. Several descriptions felt meaningless instead of being evocative of a cosmic state of existence.
Overall, a solid mid-upper tier.
The author managed to concile the mortal and Deity aspects of all characters, with the exception of the Fluttershy-Discord swap that felt off. I agree with Zaid that having longer interactions would be very interesting.
However, the abstract and metaphysical nature of the story was a bit hard to digest. Several descriptions felt meaningless instead of being evocative of a cosmic state of existence.
Overall, a solid mid-upper tier.
>>discord
Welcome to the Writeoff!
>>Kitcat36
The time limit is the hardest part I believe, as it may clash with real-life constraints. And it takes some time just to develop some ideas. But if you have something in mind, go for it! The important thing is to have fun and get useful feedback.
And I struggled too understanding how the site worked at first.
Welcome to the Writeoff!
>>Kitcat36
The time limit is the hardest part I believe, as it may clash with real-life constraints. And it takes some time just to develop some ideas. But if you have something in mind, go for it! The important thing is to have fun and get useful feedback.
And I struggled too understanding how the site worked at first.
>>Winston
Check your notification options in Preferences.
Personally I received the email without problems.
Check your notification options in Preferences.
Personally I received the email without problems.
I may have an idea, but it's more suited to a minific round. I'll have to stretch it to 2000
>>regidar
>>Ion-Sturm
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>Fenton
>>AndrewRogue
>>Not_A_Hat
>>MLPmatthewl419
This is my second entry in the Writeoff. My first was a FIM short story which was probably too ambitious and suffered from it, so I wanted to make a simpler, slice of life story, and the minific round was the right place for it.
I agree that I have to put more effort on cleaning and correcting spelling errors. That's definitely something I have to improve. For the next time maybe I will have to ask some help first to check all the mistakes.
I realize also that the tension is poorly managed. Everything is resolved in just two lines. I should take the suggestions from >>AndrewRogue and >>Not_A_Hat and describe more Trixie's relationship with her grandmother, so that the stakes are clear from the beginning and the inner conflict is built more progressively.
Originally, the story should have ended on a more positive note. The idea was to have a scene where Trixie meets Starlight, who tries to comfort her. In this dialogue Trixie would have used the third person which would contrast to how she speaks with her grandmother. But since this scene didn't fit in the word count, the use of first person feels off-character.
As Fenton pointed out, there should have been a mention of defeating Chrysalis. Since I didn't put the scene with Starlight, there is no reference to the show's timeline, so it can simply be set before season 6.
Anyway, thank you very much for reading and commenting. It's always nice to have feedback.
>>regidar
>>MLPmatthewl419
Glad you enjoyed it! :)
>>Ion-Sturm
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>Fenton
>>AndrewRogue
>>Not_A_Hat
>>MLPmatthewl419
This is my second entry in the Writeoff. My first was a FIM short story which was probably too ambitious and suffered from it, so I wanted to make a simpler, slice of life story, and the minific round was the right place for it.
I agree that I have to put more effort on cleaning and correcting spelling errors. That's definitely something I have to improve. For the next time maybe I will have to ask some help first to check all the mistakes.
I realize also that the tension is poorly managed. Everything is resolved in just two lines. I should take the suggestions from >>AndrewRogue and >>Not_A_Hat and describe more Trixie's relationship with her grandmother, so that the stakes are clear from the beginning and the inner conflict is built more progressively.
Originally, the story should have ended on a more positive note. The idea was to have a scene where Trixie meets Starlight, who tries to comfort her. In this dialogue Trixie would have used the third person which would contrast to how she speaks with her grandmother. But since this scene didn't fit in the word count, the use of first person feels off-character.
As Fenton pointed out, there should have been a mention of defeating Chrysalis. Since I didn't put the scene with Starlight, there is no reference to the show's timeline, so it can simply be set before season 6.
Anyway, thank you very much for reading and commenting. It's always nice to have feedback.
>>regidar
>>MLPmatthewl419
Glad you enjoyed it! :)
This story just begs to be expanded into a longer fic. Both because it deserves it (the setting looks cool) and because it needs it (there are just too many questions that need to be answered and points that need to be developed)
I can't decide if the lack of context is a flaw or a strong point. For me, it's really great that the implicit death is not explicitly told, just hinted very subtly. Maybe too much subtly, though. I'm with Haze here, I'm convinced it's Celestia who died If my interpretation is correct, then an extra small hint wouldn't have hurt.
If instead I'm wrong, then... does it actually matter who died? We have a sense of loss and we assume it was someone important to Twilight. Luna's words don't have any less emotional impact. If it's revealed that it's Donut Joe or somepony less important, though, it does affect the story.
Either way, there's some kind of beauty in leaving the death / tragic event as an implicit background event.
Loved it. Top tier.
If instead I'm wrong, then... does it actually matter who died? We have a sense of loss and we assume it was someone important to Twilight. Luna's words don't have any less emotional impact. If it's revealed that it's Donut Joe or somepony less important, though, it does affect the story.
Either way, there's some kind of beauty in leaving the death / tragic event as an implicit background event.
Loved it. Top tier.
I don't care about rhyme patterns and how does it fit in the poetry vs prose debate.
I really enjoyed this story. It first shows classic Halloween tropes and then twists them when introducing Discord. And I loved the cartoonish way Discord's sickness and cure was described, since it made it feel in line with the show's tone, which is not easy to do when writing fics.
I really enjoyed this story. It first shows classic Halloween tropes and then twists them when introducing Discord. And I loved the cartoonish way Discord's sickness and cure was described, since it made it feel in line with the show's tone, which is not easy to do when writing fics.
>>Bremen
Oh, right. Thanks. For some reason I thought he fought alongside Nightmare Moon.
That line got me confused in particular. I thought he was in battle to remove the white sister, and so fanatically loyal as to call Celestia "blight" and "wight".
It's actually much clearer after reading it again.
Oh, right. Thanks. For some reason I thought he fought alongside Nightmare Moon.
In battle to remove the blight,
A sister white, a sister wight
That line got me confused in particular. I thought he was in battle to remove the white sister, and so fanatically loyal as to call Celestia "blight" and "wight".
It's actually much clearer after reading it again.
This was... interesting.
Nice concept, and well structured. I agree with >>Fenton, there should have been at least one scene in a future Equestria before jumping into space, so that it gives more a sense of escalation.
That typo made me laugh. They're not just colliding, they're super colliding.
Nice concept, and well structured. I agree with >>Fenton, there should have been at least one scene in a future Equestria before jumping into space, so that it gives more a sense of escalation.
super colliding super blackholes
That typo made me laugh. They're not just colliding, they're super colliding.
Wait... Tungsten fought against Nightmare Moon? Ok I guess I completely misunderstood everything.
It's a good poem and the curator's notes are a nice touch. I can't judge on the poetry, but as far as I can tell there's good quality and I enjoyed it.
It's a good poem and the curator's notes are a nice touch. I can't judge on the poetry, but as far as I can tell there's good quality and I enjoyed it.
It didn't get the point of this story. Yes, Twilight is avoiding family, and then she has a character development, but it's not clear enough.
Twilight and the nurse seem a bit off-character. All the reasoning and interrogation of Redheart seems inappropriate for her. Pretending to be everypony's friend and in the same way, no matter what, and spending 10 hours reading to foals doesn't fit with Twilight to me. After all, it's not like she treats Trixie or Iron Will the same way as other ponies, and the long parchment listing all the princess stuff to do is a recurrent trope in the show.
I think the story could be improved with more showing instead of telling. Make Redheart silently notice that Twilight comes more and more often to the hospital. Make her tell Twilight out of courtesy that she doesn't have to stay that long. Show the reader (and Redheart) Twilight's nervous reaction at the thought of leaving. Redheart (and the reader) should slowly understand what's wrong with Twilight by observing more than by interrogating and only then confront her so that we can have Twilight's development.
Twilight and the nurse seem a bit off-character. All the reasoning and interrogation of Redheart seems inappropriate for her. Pretending to be everypony's friend and in the same way, no matter what, and spending 10 hours reading to foals doesn't fit with Twilight to me. After all, it's not like she treats Trixie or Iron Will the same way as other ponies, and the long parchment listing all the princess stuff to do is a recurrent trope in the show.
I think the story could be improved with more showing instead of telling. Make Redheart silently notice that Twilight comes more and more often to the hospital. Make her tell Twilight out of courtesy that she doesn't have to stay that long. Show the reader (and Redheart) Twilight's nervous reaction at the thought of leaving. Redheart (and the reader) should slowly understand what's wrong with Twilight by observing more than by interrogating and only then confront her so that we can have Twilight's development.
This didn't stir much in me. I didn't find the humor satisfying (maybe because I relate too much? ohgodimsolonelywhy *goes cry in a corner* ), but it's not sad either. It's just... a cold shower. Quite fitting with the prompt anyway.
I agree that the scenes felt a bit too fast. But I realize it's not easy to have three dialogue scenes in a minific.
I agree that the scenes felt a bit too fast. But I realize it's not easy to have three dialogue scenes in a minific.
This is a good entry, well written and with enough emotional impact at the end.
Rainbow Dahs's lack of the right term for the "not-spiky trees" was a nice touch.
>>PaulAsaran has a point. It doesn't make much sense reading a book in such conditions.
Also, the description of the weather conditions fails a bit to build tension. I'm not sure if it's because we don't know what the stakes are, or if it's some passages that drag it down, especially when describing Rainbow Dash's reactions (like the "How did I know?", the "natural resistance of pegasi to cold", and describing the snow as just "stupid and annoying"). Maybe you deliberately wanted to show that the blizzard is no big deal to her, but if so I would have expected more a "this blizzard is awesome, but I'm even more awesome" kind of thoughts.
Anyway, I may be nit-picking a bit. Overall it's a good entry for me.
Rainbow Dahs's lack of the right term for the "not-spiky trees" was a nice touch.
>>PaulAsaran has a point. It doesn't make much sense reading a book in such conditions.
Also, the description of the weather conditions fails a bit to build tension. I'm not sure if it's because we don't know what the stakes are, or if it's some passages that drag it down, especially when describing Rainbow Dash's reactions (like the "How did I know?", the "natural resistance of pegasi to cold", and describing the snow as just "stupid and annoying"). Maybe you deliberately wanted to show that the blizzard is no big deal to her, but if so I would have expected more a "this blizzard is awesome, but I'm even more awesome" kind of thoughts.
Anyway, I may be nit-picking a bit. Overall it's a good entry for me.
My first thought when glancing at this entry was " this is just trolling ".
My second thought was "oh wait there's actually serious content in there. "
As it has already been pointed out, the encoding just made reading difficult for me. I'm not a fan of experimental stuff, I didn't even think of it as a puzzle. And it's too bad because the poem itself gives some emotions and would have been better without it.
My second thought was "oh wait there's actually serious content in there. "
As it has already been pointed out, the encoding just made reading difficult for me. I'm not a fan of experimental stuff, I didn't even think of it as a puzzle. And it's too bad because the poem itself gives some emotions and would have been better without it.
Paging WIP