Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
Statuesque
In duty solely I persist,
But dreams we tryst—I tarry, twist,
Until I calm my heart, enlist
Impassive heavy stone.
With midnight fog my cheek is kissed,
To feel your mist, to feel you’re missed,
On fervent hopes and dreams subsist,
My thoughts of heavy stone.
But would my armor, bound in place,
My heart encase, My Heart; in case
I fail the station of my race,
O Moon of heavy stone.
Your beauty flows in fluid grace,
Your lovely face, my love efface,
Forsake my mind without a trace,
Unyielding heavy stone.
My courage fades at close of day,
To shy away, too shy, away
From tempting thoughts in duty stay,
With will of heavy stone.
But heedless would my passions stray,
To you, they pray, on me, they prey
And bid me longing to betray
This mask of heavy stone.
My scattered thoughts I cast aside—
I’ve too much pried, I’ve too much pride.
Your bat-winged army unified,
A wall of heavy stone.
And I in training, you my guide,
Your patient stride, your patience tried,
At last a warrior by your side
With strength of heavy stone.
Thus armed with righteous silv’ry light,
And I, Your Night, and I your knight
Would streak unerring to the fight
On wings of heavy stone.
’Til I must face the Nightmare’s might,
Your heartless rite, your heart less right,
But tearful, stricken down in flight,
I fall like heavy stone.
In battle to remove the blight,
A sister white, a sister wight
Grow blurred within my failing sight,
Upon this heavy stone.
Too weak to aid you in your plight,
Your pow’r a fright, your pow’r affright,
I now embrace eternal night
In vault of heavy stone.
Your gaze unending from the sky,
And watchful eye—and watchful, I
May serve you as in times gone by,
Unmoved like heavy stone.
Although your subjects may decry,
Their words be lie; my words belie
The hidden heart that would untie
This tongue of heavy stone.
So chisel sharp and sculptor fair,
My feelings pare, my failings spare
That I may through the eons swear
An oath in heavy stone:
To keep my heart within its lair,
My soul too bare, my soul to bear;
To you, my liege beyond compare,
I bow on heavy stone.
My comrades mourn, forgo repast,
In my stead fast, but I, steadfast,
Will stand on guard until the last,
My post of heavy stone.
The learnéd scholars, I outlast,
The sages passed, this age is past,
To prove devotion unsurpassed,
Like timeless heavy stone.
Yet time erodes and passions flare,
My heart a-wear, my heart aware—
You soon return, no more despair!
A crack in heavy stone.
From crack to crumble, if I dare,
’Tis nighttime, nigh time, know I care!
Your faithful guard awaits you there,
In halls of heavy stone.
And lo, what I risk dreaming of:
To court, my love, to court my love.
May armored greave hold satin glove
With hooves of heavy stone.
Your moonlit aura from above,
A light alighting like a dove,
But shines more brightly in your love,
My heart of heavy stone.
And so I stand before the throne.
Hear here, dear heart, you’re not alone,
But curséd be this flesh and bone,
This heart of heavy stone.
A note in silence, hear it drone:
My song, a tone, my song atone
For failures that are mine alone,
Inscribed in heavy stone.
Royal Canterlot Museum Inventory, Curator’s Notes
Artist/Category: Bronze Bust/sculpture
—Statue depicts Tungsten, Captain of the Lunar Guard, who served 17 years. Awarded Medal of Honor for valor in combat against Nightmare Moon. Mortally wounded in fight, died 6 days later. He commissioned statue from Royal Sculptor 2 days before his death and wrote inscription for pedestal.
—Upon completion, held in storage pending repairs to Castle of the Two Sisters, year 2 Age of the Sun (AotS).
—Moved to Canterlot Castle with all surviving inventory. Placed on display in throne room, year 129 AotS.
—Removed to storage, as far back in facility as there was space, under Princess Celestia's order, year 999 AotS. She wouldn’t say why.
—Princess Luna found statue while browsing old inventory, year 2 Age of the New Equinox. She was not seen for 4 days afterward, marking only time in recorded history the moon didn’t rise for more than a day. She subsequently ordered it placed at guard post outside her bedchamber.
—Research shows “Tungsten” derives from Scandineighvian words meaning “heavy stone.”
But dreams we tryst—I tarry, twist,
Until I calm my heart, enlist
Impassive heavy stone.
With midnight fog my cheek is kissed,
To feel your mist, to feel you’re missed,
On fervent hopes and dreams subsist,
My thoughts of heavy stone.
But would my armor, bound in place,
My heart encase, My Heart; in case
I fail the station of my race,
O Moon of heavy stone.
Your beauty flows in fluid grace,
Your lovely face, my love efface,
Forsake my mind without a trace,
Unyielding heavy stone.
My courage fades at close of day,
To shy away, too shy, away
From tempting thoughts in duty stay,
With will of heavy stone.
But heedless would my passions stray,
To you, they pray, on me, they prey
And bid me longing to betray
This mask of heavy stone.
My scattered thoughts I cast aside—
I’ve too much pried, I’ve too much pride.
Your bat-winged army unified,
A wall of heavy stone.
And I in training, you my guide,
Your patient stride, your patience tried,
At last a warrior by your side
With strength of heavy stone.
Thus armed with righteous silv’ry light,
And I, Your Night, and I your knight
Would streak unerring to the fight
On wings of heavy stone.
’Til I must face the Nightmare’s might,
Your heartless rite, your heart less right,
But tearful, stricken down in flight,
I fall like heavy stone.
In battle to remove the blight,
A sister white, a sister wight
Grow blurred within my failing sight,
Upon this heavy stone.
Too weak to aid you in your plight,
Your pow’r a fright, your pow’r affright,
I now embrace eternal night
In vault of heavy stone.
Your gaze unending from the sky,
And watchful eye—and watchful, I
May serve you as in times gone by,
Unmoved like heavy stone.
Although your subjects may decry,
Their words be lie; my words belie
The hidden heart that would untie
This tongue of heavy stone.
So chisel sharp and sculptor fair,
My feelings pare, my failings spare
That I may through the eons swear
An oath in heavy stone:
To keep my heart within its lair,
My soul too bare, my soul to bear;
To you, my liege beyond compare,
I bow on heavy stone.
My comrades mourn, forgo repast,
In my stead fast, but I, steadfast,
Will stand on guard until the last,
My post of heavy stone.
The learnéd scholars, I outlast,
The sages passed, this age is past,
To prove devotion unsurpassed,
Like timeless heavy stone.
Yet time erodes and passions flare,
My heart a-wear, my heart aware—
You soon return, no more despair!
A crack in heavy stone.
From crack to crumble, if I dare,
’Tis nighttime, nigh time, know I care!
Your faithful guard awaits you there,
In halls of heavy stone.
And lo, what I risk dreaming of:
To court, my love, to court my love.
May armored greave hold satin glove
With hooves of heavy stone.
Your moonlit aura from above,
A light alighting like a dove,
But shines more brightly in your love,
My heart of heavy stone.
And so I stand before the throne.
Hear here, dear heart, you’re not alone,
But curséd be this flesh and bone,
This heart of heavy stone.
A note in silence, hear it drone:
My song, a tone, my song atone
For failures that are mine alone,
Inscribed in heavy stone.
Royal Canterlot Museum Inventory, Curator’s Notes
Artist/Category: Bronze Bust/sculpture
—Statue depicts Tungsten, Captain of the Lunar Guard, who served 17 years. Awarded Medal of Honor for valor in combat against Nightmare Moon. Mortally wounded in fight, died 6 days later. He commissioned statue from Royal Sculptor 2 days before his death and wrote inscription for pedestal.
—Upon completion, held in storage pending repairs to Castle of the Two Sisters, year 2 Age of the Sun (AotS).
—Moved to Canterlot Castle with all surviving inventory. Placed on display in throne room, year 129 AotS.
—Removed to storage, as far back in facility as there was space, under Princess Celestia's order, year 999 AotS. She wouldn’t say why.
—Princess Luna found statue while browsing old inventory, year 2 Age of the New Equinox. She was not seen for 4 days afterward, marking only time in recorded history the moon didn’t rise for more than a day. She subsequently ordered it placed at guard post outside her bedchamber.
—Research shows “Tungsten” derives from Scandineighvian words meaning “heavy stone.”
Writer, I can't even.
The meter is flawless, from what I can tell. While I'm not a fan of "pow'r" as an abbreviation (it's still a mouthful, and feels like breaking stride, even when it's not), I can hardly fault you for using it given the constraints you were working within.
My only real criticism (and it's a minor one) is the line "She wouldn't say why" in the curator's notes. It doesn't feel necessary, but even then it could be construed as a bit of characterization for an otherwise faceless character. But then that final line! That glorious final line in the notes just flies out of nowhere like an arrow to the chest. You've slain me, Writer. This is just. So. Good.
Final Thought:
Dear Writer, I will have you know
Your mortal blow has laid me low.
So straight to top of slate you go
On wings of heavy stone.
The meter is flawless, from what I can tell. While I'm not a fan of "pow'r" as an abbreviation (it's still a mouthful, and feels like breaking stride, even when it's not), I can hardly fault you for using it given the constraints you were working within.
My only real criticism (and it's a minor one) is the line "She wouldn't say why" in the curator's notes. It doesn't feel necessary, but even then it could be construed as a bit of characterization for an otherwise faceless character. But then that final line! That glorious final line in the notes just flies out of nowhere like an arrow to the chest. You've slain me, Writer. This is just. So. Good.
Final Thought:
Dear Writer, I will have you know
Your mortal blow has laid me low.
So straight to top of slate you go
On wings of heavy stone.
I think it is overly long and seemed more like the author wanted to insert as many of these "To court, my love, to court my love." as they possibly could. Like they had a vendetta against not native English speakers. Also, the poem and statue are very narcissistic as they were written and commissioned by the one the statue depicts. Usually ballads like this are written by others who tell the noble souls story, not by the person themselves. I can picture Blueblood commissioning a statue of himself with a poem about the noble Blueblood line.
Disclaimer: This is the opinion of a sick person who is too medicated to think overly clearly on top of not knowing what is objectively good or bad writing.
Disclaimer: This is the opinion of a sick person who is too medicated to think overly clearly on top of not knowing what is objectively good or bad writing.
>>thisisalongname
I can't speak for the others, but since we have a written version of the poem and not an audio one, it's easier to figure things out. Moreover, most of them are pretty easy to understand.
In fact, I believe that this last part is meant to be gentle with non native speakers and people reluctant to decipher a story among the verses. It adds just enough meat to reread the poem and find out what this is all about. Maybe poetry fans will be a bit disappointed by this "cheap" tactic, but I want to praise you for not leaving us in the blue.
I'll let the professionals tell you if your rhyme is on spot or off. As for the story, a big yes.
Like they had a vendetta against not native English speakers.
I can't speak for the others, but since we have a written version of the poem and not an audio one, it's easier to figure things out. Moreover, most of them are pretty easy to understand.
In fact, I believe that this last part is meant to be gentle with non native speakers and people reluctant to decipher a story among the verses. It adds just enough meat to reread the poem and find out what this is all about. Maybe poetry fans will be a bit disappointed by this "cheap" tactic, but I want to praise you for not leaving us in the blue.
I'll let the professionals tell you if your rhyme is on spot or off. As for the story, a big yes.
A metered poem with the wordplay of a slam poem. I like this. I like this a lot—especially with the last section. Before reading that, I assumed this was a poem written by Discord to Luna.
Wait... Tungsten fought against Nightmare Moon? Ok I guess I completely misunderstood everything.
It's a good poem and the curator's notes are a nice touch. I can't judge on the poetry, but as far as I can tell there's good quality and I enjoyed it.
It's a good poem and the curator's notes are a nice touch. I can't judge on the poetry, but as far as I can tell there's good quality and I enjoyed it.
Absolutely beautiful. I can understand why not everyone likes poetry, but this gets all the kudos from me.
>>moonwhisper
"’Til I must face the Nightmare’s might,
Your heartless rite, your heart less right,
But tearful, stricken down in flight,
I fall like heavy stone."
>>moonwhisper
"’Til I must face the Nightmare’s might,
Your heartless rite, your heart less right,
But tearful, stricken down in flight,
I fall like heavy stone."
I read this work and wonder how
I think aloud, shall I allow?
What rank it is I should endow
Score set in heavy stone
Abstaining on poems this round. Trying to figure out how to deal with them on the slate.
I think aloud, shall I allow?
What rank it is I should endow
Score set in heavy stone
Abstaining on poems this round. Trying to figure out how to deal with them on the slate.
>>Bremen
Oh, right. Thanks. For some reason I thought he fought alongside Nightmare Moon.
That line got me confused in particular. I thought he was in battle to remove the white sister, and so fanatically loyal as to call Celestia "blight" and "wight".
It's actually much clearer after reading it again.
Oh, right. Thanks. For some reason I thought he fought alongside Nightmare Moon.
In battle to remove the blight,
A sister white, a sister wight
That line got me confused in particular. I thought he was in battle to remove the white sister, and so fanatically loyal as to call Celestia "blight" and "wight".
It's actually much clearer after reading it again.
It flows beautifully. Fluid, clever, and breathtaking. I can't really say anything that hasn't already been said for this poem.
I was so sure it was Discord until the end.
I was so sure it was Discord until the end.
this one is too beautiful. unfortunately.
to be honest, I feel exhausted reading it. it's very impressive how consistently this keeps up the pattern in the stanzas, but there's so much of it that I feel distracted, looking for the next clever wordplay in the 2nd line or the new use of "heavy stone" in the 4th. I'm so aware of the form that I can't get immersed in the content at all, and whatever imagery or emotions or story just fly over my head. kinda similar to how I couldn't get into "Lu Drmgvi..." even though this one is much less gimmicky.
I'm a poetry idiot so this opinion is probably useless. but I'm not trying to be contrarian, I would've liked to enjoy this like everyone else appears to be doing.
to be honest, I feel exhausted reading it. it's very impressive how consistently this keeps up the pattern in the stanzas, but there's so much of it that I feel distracted, looking for the next clever wordplay in the 2nd line or the new use of "heavy stone" in the 4th. I'm so aware of the form that I can't get immersed in the content at all, and whatever imagery or emotions or story just fly over my head. kinda similar to how I couldn't get into "Lu Drmgvi..." even though this one is much less gimmicky.
I'm a poetry idiot so this opinion is probably useless. but I'm not trying to be contrarian, I would've liked to enjoy this like everyone else appears to be doing.
This must have been an absolute bear to write.
I liked it, but the continual wordplay and variation on 'stone' made the cognitive load while reading rather heavy. The first time I looked at this, I was too tired, and gave up halfway through. The second time, I did finish it, but I'm not really sure how I'm going to rank it.
For me, meter in poetry is something that enhances flow. It pulls me into the words, helps me move smoothly from one to another, draws me deeper into the feel and imagery. Here, there's a huge reliance on textual tricks, with nearly every stanza having a doubled pair with split meanings. While that's cool, it kept jarring me out of the flow, because I had to take a second to process the difference between the 'sound' and the 'look' of the words.
The same with the heavy stone refrain; while it's nice, it kinda broke the meaning of a refrain for me; instead of being a simple anchoring repetition, like Poe's 'Nevermore', it had a different twist every time, and I couldn't just let it sink in; as such, I didn't feel like it built up the same sort of weight. Maybe putting 'heavy stone' on it's own line each time would have helped with that?
This is masterfully crafted, and I did enjoy it. The poetry aspect adds weight to what would otherwise be a fairly simple narrative idea, but the quirks made it difficult for me to digest.
I liked it, but the continual wordplay and variation on 'stone' made the cognitive load while reading rather heavy. The first time I looked at this, I was too tired, and gave up halfway through. The second time, I did finish it, but I'm not really sure how I'm going to rank it.
For me, meter in poetry is something that enhances flow. It pulls me into the words, helps me move smoothly from one to another, draws me deeper into the feel and imagery. Here, there's a huge reliance on textual tricks, with nearly every stanza having a doubled pair with split meanings. While that's cool, it kept jarring me out of the flow, because I had to take a second to process the difference between the 'sound' and the 'look' of the words.
The same with the heavy stone refrain; while it's nice, it kinda broke the meaning of a refrain for me; instead of being a simple anchoring repetition, like Poe's 'Nevermore', it had a different twist every time, and I couldn't just let it sink in; as such, I didn't feel like it built up the same sort of weight. Maybe putting 'heavy stone' on it's own line each time would have helped with that?
This is masterfully crafted, and I did enjoy it. The poetry aspect adds weight to what would otherwise be a fairly simple narrative idea, but the quirks made it difficult for me to digest.
I'm not all that interested in poetry pieces, and even I think this is wonderful. It does feel a little long, as some have noted before, but the wordplay involved is so good I'm not inclined to care. I'm not so fond of the notes at the end, but I suppose they do their job.
Poetry had never particularly interested me, but I certainly recognize the care and craft put into this. I started over again after going about a quarter of the way through and read it out loud, as I thought it would be best enjoyed like that. While it did not touch my cold heart (which, despite what some may think, is not in fact made of stone), it was nevertheless an original, expertly sculpted story told in a very demanding format.
My only complaint would be the "She wouldn't say why" line. In a work that has otherwise largely told its story through inference and wordplay, this was more blunt than a rock to the head. Personally, I would structure it as a series of office forms. When something was done, by whom it was done, what was done, and why it was done. However, that is probably a little too rigid for most others (and is also almost certainly not the best option).
Up you go.
My only complaint would be the "She wouldn't say why" line. In a work that has otherwise largely told its story through inference and wordplay, this was more blunt than a rock to the head. Personally, I would structure it as a series of office forms. When something was done, by whom it was done, what was done, and why it was done. However, that is probably a little too rigid for most others (and is also almost certainly not the best option).
Up you go.
Congrats to Haze on winning their first medal! And to Gardez on the... 14th. Or 23rd, including original rounds. Took a while to count those.
I haven't bothered discussing my entry after the fact for quite some time, because I have my doubts as to how many people actually read these. But I might as well.
I got the idea for this weeks ago, and as I formed 2 or 3 stanzas in my head, I kept returning to a couple of wordplay lines that I really liked, and because my pattern with poetry is to place so many constraints on it that it's an exhaustive pain to write, then swear off ever doing so again, I of course decided to require wordplay in every stanza just to make my life a lot harder than it needed to be. Originally, I wanted to write this story for Loganberry's Flashfic 150 events, but it quickly became apparent that it wouldn't fit in that small a package. 6 stanzas wouldn't be enough to tell the story, since the structure I'd chosen didn't allow for that much storytelling per stanza. The 400-word minimum here means going to 16 stanzas at least, but I also found certain sections of it filling out more than most, and I wanted to keep it balanced, so I arrived at 24 stanzas, which would be about 600 words (576, actually). The three stanzas that don't have the wordplay resulting in an internal rhyme at the second foot are some of the earliest ones I came up with, but those lines are obviously the commodity in shortest supply when accumulating enough material for the whole poem, so I had to camp out on a rhyming dictionary site, choose a few words I knew I'd want to turn up in the poem, and seeing what wordplay I could construct out of them from the rhymed list. Every stanza was built off its second line. And it was a giant pain in the ass. It's spaced out into 4 sections dealing with Tungsten expressing his love, going over his history, having the statue made to be there for Luna when she returns, and anticipating her return.
Then the part after the break. There are certain things I wanted the poem itself to convey and some it shouldn't. Tungsten wrote the poem, so he couldn't have covered the things that happened after he died. I needed another medium to show that. The only part of the notes he would have known about was the first line. And his name, too, though he wouldn't have a motivation to explain that. I had Present Perfect give it a test read, and he could figure out from the poem alone that Tungsten had secretly fallen in love with Luna but was killed by Nightmare Moon. He didn't catch that Tungsten had commissioned the statue, and only vaguely that it was referring to a statue at all, so I made sure the curator's notes covered that. The actual meaning of "tungsten" is true, and it's a little factoid I've enjoyed carrying around for years.
Before I go to individual responses, I find this to be a statistical curiosity. The three medalists finished extraordinarily close to each other. Very minor things could have affected the outcome. I got the most first-place votes and the fewest bottom-half votes, but I was also the only one to get a last-place vote. I wonder how much that one voter changed things. Of course, the haiku might have suffered the same fate. I have no way of knowing if the same voter is one of its down-ballot finishes from someone who stacked all the poetry at the bottom, for instance, and hit us both. It's kind of an interesting "electoral college versus popular vote" situation. But as I look at the ballots, I do have a more sudden drop-off from high to mid-tier finishes, and as close as it was, subtle things like that can make the difference.
Anyway, I'm really surprised to see two poems among the medals, I'm glad horizon could participate in such a round, given his early comment that made it sound like he couldn't, and I'm sorry AugieDog/Baal Bunny couldn't take part in the poetical festival. And wow, most people who did author guessing thought horizon wrote this. I take that as a big compliment--he's someone who can effortlessly churn out poetry with little hidden treasures in it.
>>Icenrose
>>Ion-Sturm
The "she wouldn't say why" line is supposed to be a comment from the curator, but the way I had to trim the notes meant not being able to let her character seep in at all, and it does stand out among the rest of the very formal-sounding notes. Interesting that Ion thought of making those into more formal documents, because that was actually my plan from the start. I didn't want to have to figure out how to link images in an entry, and it would have technically taken me over word count that way anyway, but I've already got those finished for the version I'm going to post on FiMFiction, which will take it over 1k words so I can solo post it. You may be right, and it may well not be the best option, but I think it's in keeping with showing the cold stone inscription to also provide a cold piece of paper, rather than making a live narrative or some such out of it.
>>Fenton
As I said above, the notes were more to provide additional information Tungsten couldn't have known, but it did reinforce things that readers might miss in the poem as well, and given all the discussion about poetry's accessibility, I figured it wasn't a bad way to give a leg up to those who have a harder time with poetry, and in a way that had a plausible motivation for presenting that information. But if that ends up helping people out, that's fine with me, too.
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
I'm glad you liked it, and I'm a little surprised you did, given your usual preference for less-structured poetry. I can't fathom how you picked me as the author, since I so rarely write poetry, unless it's because of me recently being an outspoken proponent of it.
I'm not done with you yet, but I'm going to tie in Regidar...
>>regidar
I guess I should have seen that all the talk about stone and the specific line referring to it like a tomb could have made people think of Discord, but it still surprises me, since it's someone who adheres to duty and is subservient to Luna. But with a few tweaks, it might actually present a reasonable Discord/Luna ship.
>>thisisalongname
I don't really know what to say to this, since it just seemed like you were determined not to like it no matter what. Yes, it's a bit narcissistic of him, but he's not seeking to aggrandize himself with it. He never says how great he is. He just wanted to admit to Luna that he loved her, and as one of the few who understood how her exile would work, he wanted to make sure she had one person in her corner when she came back. In addition, I'll tie in Paul:
>>PaulAsaran
I don't doubt that it feels long in a few places. That stems from all the structural constraints. Like I said, there wasn't much wiggle room once the 2nd and 4th lines of a stanza were set, so it was particularly difficult to get through much plot in each. Some of the 4 sections filled out better than others, and wanting to keep the whole thing balanced meant having to stretch in a couple places, plus the way the stanza rhymes are paired sometimes made it difficult to decide on an optimal placement for each or keep me from having much of an option. I could probably try do do something about this, but it'd take far more work than I'd care to invest.
>>Haze
>>Not_A_Hat
These are the bits I don't quite get. That two people said it lends it some credence, but I don't think I want to change anything to accommodate this, and I'm not sure I even should. Likening this to the puzzle gimmick isn't the same thing, because that requires you to stop reading and do something unrelated to the story. It still speaks to distraction, but it's an entirely different kind that wouldn't be solved the same way, and it's not something I'll ever clear up for all readers anyway.
More to what Hat said, though, since he went into detail: Getting tripped up on the structure itself seems odd to me, because poetry in general is rife with structural considerations and clever use of language, and what poetry is supposed to do is precisely what you're citing as what hurt it in your eyes. At least I think so? It's... too poem-like? I never know how to take that. The comment about meter pulling you into the flow is unrelated to what comes after, since the wordplay works within the meter, so I don't understand what point you're making. Plus it never helps sort that out, on any kind of story, when different people point out the exact same thing as what they love most or find the weakest part, especially when some people can just sit back and read the words. That said, Present Perfect had a reaction something like this on one aspect: he hadn't fully caught that Nightmare Moon killed Tungsten, because he was enjoying the word-level stuff too much.
I think this is the kind of story that lends itself to reading through twice, once to feel the form of it, and again to get the plot. I found the haiku to be the same way: go through to let the syllable count settle on you and feel the flow, then again to absorb what meaning it has.
I don't get citing "The Raven" as an example of how to have an unchanging line to anchor the stanzas, when it does the same thing I am: The last line varies in every stanza, at least until it hits a stretch near the end that has the same one four in a row. Out of 18 stanzas, it has 14 different ending lines, all tied together by the last word or two, similar to me. And would moving the "heavy stone" to its own line really change anything there? It would read the same. So all told, I don't know how I'd address this or even that it would be a good idea to. If it ends up coming across as too highbrow to some readers, and it inevitably will, that's a risk I have to accept.
And yes, this was a bear to write. A big, smelly one whom I reminded I'd banished years ago and told to never come back, but he'll eventually wander around again and dump a dozen rules on me I can't help but confine myself to while I curse his name.
>>Whitbane
>>moonwhisper
>>Bremen
Thanks much for reading, and glad you liked it!
I haven't bothered discussing my entry after the fact for quite some time, because I have my doubts as to how many people actually read these. But I might as well.
I got the idea for this weeks ago, and as I formed 2 or 3 stanzas in my head, I kept returning to a couple of wordplay lines that I really liked, and because my pattern with poetry is to place so many constraints on it that it's an exhaustive pain to write, then swear off ever doing so again, I of course decided to require wordplay in every stanza just to make my life a lot harder than it needed to be. Originally, I wanted to write this story for Loganberry's Flashfic 150 events, but it quickly became apparent that it wouldn't fit in that small a package. 6 stanzas wouldn't be enough to tell the story, since the structure I'd chosen didn't allow for that much storytelling per stanza. The 400-word minimum here means going to 16 stanzas at least, but I also found certain sections of it filling out more than most, and I wanted to keep it balanced, so I arrived at 24 stanzas, which would be about 600 words (576, actually). The three stanzas that don't have the wordplay resulting in an internal rhyme at the second foot are some of the earliest ones I came up with, but those lines are obviously the commodity in shortest supply when accumulating enough material for the whole poem, so I had to camp out on a rhyming dictionary site, choose a few words I knew I'd want to turn up in the poem, and seeing what wordplay I could construct out of them from the rhymed list. Every stanza was built off its second line. And it was a giant pain in the ass. It's spaced out into 4 sections dealing with Tungsten expressing his love, going over his history, having the statue made to be there for Luna when she returns, and anticipating her return.
Then the part after the break. There are certain things I wanted the poem itself to convey and some it shouldn't. Tungsten wrote the poem, so he couldn't have covered the things that happened after he died. I needed another medium to show that. The only part of the notes he would have known about was the first line. And his name, too, though he wouldn't have a motivation to explain that. I had Present Perfect give it a test read, and he could figure out from the poem alone that Tungsten had secretly fallen in love with Luna but was killed by Nightmare Moon. He didn't catch that Tungsten had commissioned the statue, and only vaguely that it was referring to a statue at all, so I made sure the curator's notes covered that. The actual meaning of "tungsten" is true, and it's a little factoid I've enjoyed carrying around for years.
Before I go to individual responses, I find this to be a statistical curiosity. The three medalists finished extraordinarily close to each other. Very minor things could have affected the outcome. I got the most first-place votes and the fewest bottom-half votes, but I was also the only one to get a last-place vote. I wonder how much that one voter changed things. Of course, the haiku might have suffered the same fate. I have no way of knowing if the same voter is one of its down-ballot finishes from someone who stacked all the poetry at the bottom, for instance, and hit us both. It's kind of an interesting "electoral college versus popular vote" situation. But as I look at the ballots, I do have a more sudden drop-off from high to mid-tier finishes, and as close as it was, subtle things like that can make the difference.
Anyway, I'm really surprised to see two poems among the medals, I'm glad horizon could participate in such a round, given his early comment that made it sound like he couldn't, and I'm sorry AugieDog/Baal Bunny couldn't take part in the poetical festival. And wow, most people who did author guessing thought horizon wrote this. I take that as a big compliment--he's someone who can effortlessly churn out poetry with little hidden treasures in it.
>>Icenrose
>>Ion-Sturm
The "she wouldn't say why" line is supposed to be a comment from the curator, but the way I had to trim the notes meant not being able to let her character seep in at all, and it does stand out among the rest of the very formal-sounding notes. Interesting that Ion thought of making those into more formal documents, because that was actually my plan from the start. I didn't want to have to figure out how to link images in an entry, and it would have technically taken me over word count that way anyway, but I've already got those finished for the version I'm going to post on FiMFiction, which will take it over 1k words so I can solo post it. You may be right, and it may well not be the best option, but I think it's in keeping with showing the cold stone inscription to also provide a cold piece of paper, rather than making a live narrative or some such out of it.
>>Fenton
As I said above, the notes were more to provide additional information Tungsten couldn't have known, but it did reinforce things that readers might miss in the poem as well, and given all the discussion about poetry's accessibility, I figured it wasn't a bad way to give a leg up to those who have a harder time with poetry, and in a way that had a plausible motivation for presenting that information. But if that ends up helping people out, that's fine with me, too.
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
I'm glad you liked it, and I'm a little surprised you did, given your usual preference for less-structured poetry. I can't fathom how you picked me as the author, since I so rarely write poetry, unless it's because of me recently being an outspoken proponent of it.
I'm not done with you yet, but I'm going to tie in Regidar...
>>regidar
I guess I should have seen that all the talk about stone and the specific line referring to it like a tomb could have made people think of Discord, but it still surprises me, since it's someone who adheres to duty and is subservient to Luna. But with a few tweaks, it might actually present a reasonable Discord/Luna ship.
>>thisisalongname
I don't really know what to say to this, since it just seemed like you were determined not to like it no matter what. Yes, it's a bit narcissistic of him, but he's not seeking to aggrandize himself with it. He never says how great he is. He just wanted to admit to Luna that he loved her, and as one of the few who understood how her exile would work, he wanted to make sure she had one person in her corner when she came back. In addition, I'll tie in Paul:
>>PaulAsaran
I don't doubt that it feels long in a few places. That stems from all the structural constraints. Like I said, there wasn't much wiggle room once the 2nd and 4th lines of a stanza were set, so it was particularly difficult to get through much plot in each. Some of the 4 sections filled out better than others, and wanting to keep the whole thing balanced meant having to stretch in a couple places, plus the way the stanza rhymes are paired sometimes made it difficult to decide on an optimal placement for each or keep me from having much of an option. I could probably try do do something about this, but it'd take far more work than I'd care to invest.
>>Haze
>>Not_A_Hat
These are the bits I don't quite get. That two people said it lends it some credence, but I don't think I want to change anything to accommodate this, and I'm not sure I even should. Likening this to the puzzle gimmick isn't the same thing, because that requires you to stop reading and do something unrelated to the story. It still speaks to distraction, but it's an entirely different kind that wouldn't be solved the same way, and it's not something I'll ever clear up for all readers anyway.
More to what Hat said, though, since he went into detail: Getting tripped up on the structure itself seems odd to me, because poetry in general is rife with structural considerations and clever use of language, and what poetry is supposed to do is precisely what you're citing as what hurt it in your eyes. At least I think so? It's... too poem-like? I never know how to take that. The comment about meter pulling you into the flow is unrelated to what comes after, since the wordplay works within the meter, so I don't understand what point you're making. Plus it never helps sort that out, on any kind of story, when different people point out the exact same thing as what they love most or find the weakest part, especially when some people can just sit back and read the words. That said, Present Perfect had a reaction something like this on one aspect: he hadn't fully caught that Nightmare Moon killed Tungsten, because he was enjoying the word-level stuff too much.
I think this is the kind of story that lends itself to reading through twice, once to feel the form of it, and again to get the plot. I found the haiku to be the same way: go through to let the syllable count settle on you and feel the flow, then again to absorb what meaning it has.
I don't get citing "The Raven" as an example of how to have an unchanging line to anchor the stanzas, when it does the same thing I am: The last line varies in every stanza, at least until it hits a stretch near the end that has the same one four in a row. Out of 18 stanzas, it has 14 different ending lines, all tied together by the last word or two, similar to me. And would moving the "heavy stone" to its own line really change anything there? It would read the same. So all told, I don't know how I'd address this or even that it would be a good idea to. If it ends up coming across as too highbrow to some readers, and it inevitably will, that's a risk I have to accept.
And yes, this was a bear to write. A big, smelly one whom I reminded I'd banished years ago and told to never come back, but he'll eventually wander around again and dump a dozen rules on me I can't help but confine myself to while I curse his name.
>>Whitbane
>>moonwhisper
>>Bremen
Thanks much for reading, and glad you liked it!
>>Pascoite
That’s actually what I read it as at first—Discoluna in the classical equine period.
CiG has a great suggestion for tidying up the end, Im not aware if he’s already shared t with you but he feels the story would benefit greatly from simply having the end dropped and the titles changed to something akin to “An Inscription on a Statue of a Lunar Guard” and then let the poem speak for itself.
That’s actually what I read it as at first—Discoluna in the classical equine period.
CiG has a great suggestion for tidying up the end, Im not aware if he’s already shared t with you but he feels the story would benefit greatly from simply having the end dropped and the titles changed to something akin to “An Inscription on a Statue of a Lunar Guard” and then let the poem speak for itself.
>>regidar
No, I didn't hear from CiG. Originally, I did have the poem standing alone, and not with that statement about it being an inscription as a title, but a single line at the end. That didn't work for me, because I think there's a power in seeing the difference between the inscription's vision of how the statue would be used and what actually happened to it, plus my test reader didn't quite get everything out of it that I wanted it to convey. I was originally going to title it Tungsten, but very few people, if any, would get the significance of that, so once again, I turned to the notes at the end to explain. I felt it worked better as an in-universe explanation that the characters realized than on a meta-level in an author's note. The biggest reason, though? On its own, I can't solo post it on FiMFiction, and some people were already complaining that the poem ran a bit long. So I needed something to get the word count up to 1k, then I abbreviated that part for this contest.
No, I didn't hear from CiG. Originally, I did have the poem standing alone, and not with that statement about it being an inscription as a title, but a single line at the end. That didn't work for me, because I think there's a power in seeing the difference between the inscription's vision of how the statue would be used and what actually happened to it, plus my test reader didn't quite get everything out of it that I wanted it to convey. I was originally going to title it Tungsten, but very few people, if any, would get the significance of that, so once again, I turned to the notes at the end to explain. I felt it worked better as an in-universe explanation that the characters realized than on a meta-level in an author's note. The biggest reason, though? On its own, I can't solo post it on FiMFiction, and some people were already complaining that the poem ran a bit long. So I needed something to get the word count up to 1k, then I abbreviated that part for this contest.
>>Pascoite
I just felt the notes at the end were a bit too expository, and a few of them (esp the "luna vanished for several days because she was so sad") were just a little ham-handed. I would either dry them out a bit or cut them dramatically. The suggestion Regidar is referring to came up in our chatroom discussion, where I suggested simply titling the poem "Inscription on a Statue of a Lunar Guard," which would also be a nice call-out to Amit's "A Description of a Fountain in Canterlot's Gardens."
I just felt the notes at the end were a bit too expository, and a few of them (esp the "luna vanished for several days because she was so sad") were just a little ham-handed. I would either dry them out a bit or cut them dramatically. The suggestion Regidar is referring to came up in our chatroom discussion, where I suggested simply titling the poem "Inscription on a Statue of a Lunar Guard," which would also be a nice call-out to Amit's "A Description of a Fountain in Canterlot's Gardens."
>>Cold in Gardez
That might have done fine for this writeoff, but it doesn't solve my problem of getting to 1k words.
That might have done fine for this writeoff, but it doesn't solve my problem of getting to 1k words.