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Slamming my head against my desk until words come out.
First, let me say that this story is delightful. It treats the concept of pastry-based weaponry in Equestria with precisely the amount of seriousness it deserves, and I love it for it.
Not only has this story brought a smile to my face, it also made an otherwise slow morning at work quite a bit more interesting. See, I work in the firearms industry (well, firearms-adjacent), and the phrase "contained a hard nougat penetrator" gave me enough pause to wonder what would actually happen if you built and fired a cartridge like this. Would it have the effect described in the story, or would it actually do more damage?
So I sent the relevant paragraph to a coworker (who is both down with the pony and a member of a professional competitive shooting team) via IM. What followed is probably the most entertaining conversation I've yet had at work.
*15 minutes pass*
So, in theory, your cartridge functions as you intended (unless you were shooting at Rarity)! Well done, Writer, and thanks again for making my morning that much more entertaining!
Not only has this story brought a smile to my face, it also made an otherwise slow morning at work quite a bit more interesting. See, I work in the firearms industry (well, firearms-adjacent), and the phrase "contained a hard nougat penetrator" gave me enough pause to wonder what would actually happen if you built and fired a cartridge like this. Would it have the effect described in the story, or would it actually do more damage?
So I sent the relevant paragraph to a coworker (who is both down with the pony and a member of a professional competitive shooting team) via IM. What followed is probably the most entertaining conversation I've yet had at work.
Bavarian Cream
...meringue pastry round...?
lololol
Icenrose
yiss
Was wondering if you had any commentary on the actual efficacy of such a round (assuming it could actually be fired).
Bavarian Cream
not enough mass in the meringue
nougat is a good call though
but a penetrator would have to be carved from a solid nut, like a macadamia
and bonded to a nougat core, and jacketed with fudge for both ballistic coefficient and barrel lubrication
Icenrose
Nice, I like the way you think!
So, what type of force are we talking here? Would it hit hard enough to crack a rib or two, or would it be mostly harmless by the time it crossed the street?
Bavarian Cream
IRL? the velocity required to crack a rib would probably obliterate the round before it left the barrel
Icenrose
Let's assume it managed to leave the barrel without exploding.
Bavarian Cream
right, because magic
Icenrose
Right. ^^
Bavarian Cream
a high density nougat bullet might make it out, but it'd bleed velocity so fast that it'd be harmless i think...
hang on, let me do some math
*15 minutes pass*
Bavarian Cream
Nougat, being an aerated sweetstuff, wouldn't have the density to pierce anything armored with a material more dense than marshmallow
Icenrose
So, just a splatter effect, then.
Bavarian Cream
splatter as in, all over the target, rather than the target being what splatters, yes
So, in theory, your cartridge functions as you intended (unless you were shooting at Rarity)! Well done, Writer, and thanks again for making my morning that much more entertaining!
“I'm glad I'm not going to be the one with a black face,” Chaz said as he tinkered with the the rusty elevator controls.
“That’s racist,” Claire muttered as she rubbed her arms. “Will you hurry it up? I’m freezing my balls off, here.”
“I’ll keep you warm,” Joe said with a grin, arms spread wide.
“Fuck off, Joe,” Claire replied.
Chaz ignored them. “I mean, seriously, you ever done a coal run before? When you get back topside, you might as well dance off singing ‘Mammy’.”
“Jesus christ, Chaz.” Claire kicked at him with her steel-toed boots. Chaz levitated above her wild sweep and continued working, unperturbed.
“I’m just impressed he’s pulling a meme from the 2020s.” Joe took a languid pull from the hookah attachment on his backpack, and the frigid, stagnant air of the abandoned mine shaft filled with the scent of saffron.
Claire furrowed her brow. “I thought that dumb bit came from the 1920s.”
Joe shook his head, undercut dreadlocks swaying in the harsh glare of the ancient arc lights. “Nah, the South rose again in 2020, remember? All manner of bullshit coming out of the woodwork around then.” Another pull from the hookah, this time filling the air with notes of cinnamon. “That’s where that old saying comes from, ‘hindsight is 2020’. All that backwards crap setting us back a century or so.”
Chaz snorted. “You’re, like, seven different flavors of wrong, Joe.” With a snap-crackle-pop of arcing electricity, the elevator shuddered to life, and the doors screeched open. He gestured with his non-mechanical arm. “All aboard.”
The other two shot a dubious look between them. “Remind me why you’re not coming with us, again?” Claire asked.
“Because if the elevator shits the bed, someone needs to be up here to get it back up and running.” When nobody moved, Chaz added, “Lest we all die.”
“C’mon, Claire.” Joe adjusted his backpack and stepped into the rickety metal cage. “The big man has a quota. Those stockings aren’t gonna fill themselves.”
Claire sighed. “Sure. It’s not like anyone’s still burning this stuff.”
“That’s racist,” Claire muttered as she rubbed her arms. “Will you hurry it up? I’m freezing my balls off, here.”
“I’ll keep you warm,” Joe said with a grin, arms spread wide.
“Fuck off, Joe,” Claire replied.
Chaz ignored them. “I mean, seriously, you ever done a coal run before? When you get back topside, you might as well dance off singing ‘Mammy’.”
“Jesus christ, Chaz.” Claire kicked at him with her steel-toed boots. Chaz levitated above her wild sweep and continued working, unperturbed.
“I’m just impressed he’s pulling a meme from the 2020s.” Joe took a languid pull from the hookah attachment on his backpack, and the frigid, stagnant air of the abandoned mine shaft filled with the scent of saffron.
Claire furrowed her brow. “I thought that dumb bit came from the 1920s.”
Joe shook his head, undercut dreadlocks swaying in the harsh glare of the ancient arc lights. “Nah, the South rose again in 2020, remember? All manner of bullshit coming out of the woodwork around then.” Another pull from the hookah, this time filling the air with notes of cinnamon. “That’s where that old saying comes from, ‘hindsight is 2020’. All that backwards crap setting us back a century or so.”
Chaz snorted. “You’re, like, seven different flavors of wrong, Joe.” With a snap-crackle-pop of arcing electricity, the elevator shuddered to life, and the doors screeched open. He gestured with his non-mechanical arm. “All aboard.”
The other two shot a dubious look between them. “Remind me why you’re not coming with us, again?” Claire asked.
“Because if the elevator shits the bed, someone needs to be up here to get it back up and running.” When nobody moved, Chaz added, “Lest we all die.”
“C’mon, Claire.” Joe adjusted his backpack and stepped into the rickety metal cage. “The big man has a quota. Those stockings aren’t gonna fill themselves.”
Claire sighed. “Sure. It’s not like anyone’s still burning this stuff.”
Congrats to our finalists, especially the first-timers! Well done, indeed!
Bygone Griffons of Greatness, Appendix A: King Grizzle - A Retrospective
First, thank you so much to >>Ceffyl_Dwr, >>CoffeeMinion, >>Trick_Question, >>FanOfMostEverything, >>The_Letter_J, and >>Monokeras for taking the time to review my story. I'm not terribly surprised this didn't make it into the finals - it's never a good sign to be sitting in front of your screen hollow and slack-jawed at 2am (four hours left on the submission window), knowing that you need to do something more for the story and being thoroughly unable to conjure the words. Time management, as is usually the case for me, was my undoing.
As for the story itself, I'm very pleased that the format seemed to work so well for so many of you - I, too, love studying history, and I thought this would be a neat framing device for the narrative (though I agree, >>Monokeras, it does make things feel a bit stodgy - I think the lack of actual story bits weaved through the text left little else but the format to look at). Thanks to >>Trick_Question for pointing out that supposition has no place in an academic text, I'll be sure to re-frame the last section by more direct comparisons to other sources.
For most of the writing process, I was worried that I might beat readers over the head with what I was trying to imply through the dig site. That's part of the reason why I only wound up telling the ending of a story, rather than a fully fledged tale. Still, I have some ideas on how to go about expanding it so that there will be more of a point and purpose.
Thanks again for all of your feedback, everypony. Keep an eye out for the finished product down the road, though!
Bygone Griffons of Greatness, Appendix A: King Grizzle - A Retrospective
First, thank you so much to >>Ceffyl_Dwr, >>CoffeeMinion, >>Trick_Question, >>FanOfMostEverything, >>The_Letter_J, and >>Monokeras for taking the time to review my story. I'm not terribly surprised this didn't make it into the finals - it's never a good sign to be sitting in front of your screen hollow and slack-jawed at 2am (four hours left on the submission window), knowing that you need to do something more for the story and being thoroughly unable to conjure the words. Time management, as is usually the case for me, was my undoing.
As for the story itself, I'm very pleased that the format seemed to work so well for so many of you - I, too, love studying history, and I thought this would be a neat framing device for the narrative (though I agree, >>Monokeras, it does make things feel a bit stodgy - I think the lack of actual story bits weaved through the text left little else but the format to look at). Thanks to >>Trick_Question for pointing out that supposition has no place in an academic text, I'll be sure to re-frame the last section by more direct comparisons to other sources.
For most of the writing process, I was worried that I might beat readers over the head with what I was trying to imply through the dig site. That's part of the reason why I only wound up telling the ending of a story, rather than a fully fledged tale. Still, I have some ideas on how to go about expanding it so that there will be more of a point and purpose.
Thanks again for all of your feedback, everypony. Keep an eye out for the finished product down the road, though!
Gosh, I'm tired. Got something in, but I've lost all objectivity when it comes to the story. Everyone tell me what I missed in the morning.
I'm pleased with the amount of positivity in the discussion thread this time around. Best of luck to everyone, and a hearty welcome to all our newcomers. I'm looking forward to reading your stories. ^^
I'm pleased with the amount of positivity in the discussion thread this time around. Best of luck to everyone, and a hearty welcome to all our newcomers. I'm looking forward to reading your stories. ^^
This is (admittedly engaging and poignant) Frostpunk fanfiction.
I dithered a bit on whether or not to call this out, Writer, but a significant amount of this story - the setting of a near-frozen city arranged in concentric circles, local industry comprised entirely of coal mining, steel manufacturing, and hothouses, the approaching doom of an unfathomably cold storm, details like decrees for diluted soup to help ration food and a propaganda center that allows a maximum of five workers - is lifted straight from the game.
Let me be clear, though - I think this story holds up on its own, as illustrated by the comments from other readers above, and I like the story quite a bit. The five characters you’ve created and the stories you’ve woven together of their final days in service to the city allow for a very zoomed in and specific view of this place, something the game tries to do at times but not nearly as well. This scenario certainly lends itself to the Lost Cities style, of which I’m a fan.
However, I’m also a fan of Frostpunk, and… yeah. I think the minor tweaks you’ve added, like having the nomenclature be Norwegian instead of English, are interesting touches, but at the end of the day, this is a Frostpunk story.
I dithered a bit on whether or not to call this out, Writer, but a significant amount of this story - the setting of a near-frozen city arranged in concentric circles, local industry comprised entirely of coal mining, steel manufacturing, and hothouses, the approaching doom of an unfathomably cold storm, details like decrees for diluted soup to help ration food and a propaganda center that allows a maximum of five workers - is lifted straight from the game.
Let me be clear, though - I think this story holds up on its own, as illustrated by the comments from other readers above, and I like the story quite a bit. The five characters you’ve created and the stories you’ve woven together of their final days in service to the city allow for a very zoomed in and specific view of this place, something the game tries to do at times but not nearly as well. This scenario certainly lends itself to the Lost Cities style, of which I’m a fan.
However, I’m also a fan of Frostpunk, and… yeah. I think the minor tweaks you’ve added, like having the nomenclature be Norwegian instead of English, are interesting touches, but at the end of the day, this is a Frostpunk story.