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>>Aragon
Thanks so much for your feedback! The lines in the title and caption jumped out at me as particularly evocative in the story, so I just ran with them. The crows varying in size was me trying to force a bit of perspective - the small blip on the back of the dead guy is supposed to be a crow perched there to help sell that, but I don't think that's in any way clear. The tree on the right looking worse is a product of me messing up following my own line work (if you look really closely, you can see the original line for the rightmost branch) so I can only blame time constraints for not starting over from scratch (that, and waiting until the last minute to actually get cracking on art ^^).
All that said, you nailed what I was going for - photorealism is pretty far beyond what I'm capable of at this point, so I went for a disturbing, uncanny feel. I'm glad you liked the piece!
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Yep, as soon as I started filling in the birds I realized that the tree on the left was too far away to properly frame her face. The birds are a bit too far apart and a bit too... rigid, maybe. I was hoping for more of a suggestion of a face, but when I took a picture with my phone to upload it the phone tried to recognize the face for what it was. /shrug.
All told, I'm still pretty pleased with how this turned out. It's clumsy in its execution, sure, but its still close to the image I had in my head, and I'm still at the point where I'm impressed with accomplishing even that much. ^^
Progress! Onwards and upwards!
Thanks so much for your feedback! The lines in the title and caption jumped out at me as particularly evocative in the story, so I just ran with them. The crows varying in size was me trying to force a bit of perspective - the small blip on the back of the dead guy is supposed to be a crow perched there to help sell that, but I don't think that's in any way clear. The tree on the right looking worse is a product of me messing up following my own line work (if you look really closely, you can see the original line for the rightmost branch) so I can only blame time constraints for not starting over from scratch (that, and waiting until the last minute to actually get cracking on art ^^).
All that said, you nailed what I was going for - photorealism is pretty far beyond what I'm capable of at this point, so I went for a disturbing, uncanny feel. I'm glad you liked the piece!
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Yep, as soon as I started filling in the birds I realized that the tree on the left was too far away to properly frame her face. The birds are a bit too far apart and a bit too... rigid, maybe. I was hoping for more of a suggestion of a face, but when I took a picture with my phone to upload it the phone tried to recognize the face for what it was. /shrug.
All told, I'm still pretty pleased with how this turned out. It's clumsy in its execution, sure, but its still close to the image I had in my head, and I'm still at the point where I'm impressed with accomplishing even that much. ^^
Progress! Onwards and upwards!
Unless I miss my guess, Artist, you've done something rather clever here - the actual building you've photographed is, in reality, only one story tall, and you've copied and shrunk that level a few times before capping it with the wee bit on top. It's the lighting that gives it away - if the sources were all the same size, the illuminated area would take up more and more percentage of each level, and if they weren't, the light would illuminate with the same color/intensity. Also, the photo seems to get slightly better resolution the higher up you go, but that could just be my eyes playing tricks on me.
I didn't catch it until the third time I examined the piece though, so well done! I'd very much like to know where the original building is, it looks pretty neat! And I love how the moon sits overhead, even if that's another bit of clever trickery on your part. ^^
I didn't catch it until the third time I examined the piece though, so well done! I'd very much like to know where the original building is, it looks pretty neat! And I love how the moon sits overhead, even if that's another bit of clever trickery on your part. ^^
I like the scale of this piece, Artist. The monolithic server racks dwarf the lone human as they trundle along in the waning light of sunset, as the menacing glow in the gathering dark precludes even the solace of a dark night sky.
My one quibble would be that since the bottoms of the monoliths seem to slope down from right to left, it conflicts with their diminishing size to create the illusion of perspective. You'd want to have them slope up a bit to create the illusion of an eventual vanishing point.
Still, I like how you made the effort with the red indicator lights to differentiate one monolith from the next. That extra work is putting this pretty high on my slate.
My one quibble would be that since the bottoms of the monoliths seem to slope down from right to left, it conflicts with their diminishing size to create the illusion of perspective. You'd want to have them slope up a bit to create the illusion of an eventual vanishing point.
Still, I like how you made the effort with the red indicator lights to differentiate one monolith from the next. That extra work is putting this pretty high on my slate.
>>Paracompact
Sorry, I should clarify - I thought it was odd in the second part that it cuts from narration and RD whispering to herself to nothing but internal monologue, eschewing narration entirely. It felt jarring to switch from one to the other without any other narration or outside details to break it up a bit before ending the story.
Sorry, I should clarify - I thought it was odd in the second part that it cuts from narration and RD whispering to herself to nothing but internal monologue, eschewing narration entirely. It felt jarring to switch from one to the other without any other narration or outside details to break it up a bit before ending the story.
There's two main points I want to convey for this story, Writer. The first is that you go out of your way to create a sense that I'm missing something.
This rang enough of a bell that I Googled it, and this is a psychology thing - six basic, universal human emotions as registered by facial expressions, right? This feels like your running with a flawed premise, since the study doesn't seem to say there's only six emotions, just six easily recognizable emotions, regardless of culture or upbringing. And even then, this is a weird through line for the story to take, and it doesn't seem to dovetail well with the other point you're trying to make.
That brings me to my second point, which is that I kinda love the dynamic you're hinting at between Amethyst and Lyra. The root of this story is that Lyra's a good friend who pays enough attention to realize that Amethyst doesn't need, nor want, to be where she is, so she gets her out into the real world to just... exist, for a while. And that's pretty cool, having a friend who knows you well enough to get you to de-stress when you need it. I like that Amethyst doesn't fully cave, and a part of her still resists and claws at her to remain morose, but we still see the hints of her starting to unwind and let peace into her heart.
As a side note, I love your closing line, too.
I'm glad my art could inspire you, Writer, if only tangentially. ^^ Best of luck!
“That theory you had, way back. You know, how there’s only six emotions? Anger, disgust, fear, happiness, sadness, and surprise. You got it from that book?”
This rang enough of a bell that I Googled it, and this is a psychology thing - six basic, universal human emotions as registered by facial expressions, right? This feels like your running with a flawed premise, since the study doesn't seem to say there's only six emotions, just six easily recognizable emotions, regardless of culture or upbringing. And even then, this is a weird through line for the story to take, and it doesn't seem to dovetail well with the other point you're trying to make.
That brings me to my second point, which is that I kinda love the dynamic you're hinting at between Amethyst and Lyra. The root of this story is that Lyra's a good friend who pays enough attention to realize that Amethyst doesn't need, nor want, to be where she is, so she gets her out into the real world to just... exist, for a while. And that's pretty cool, having a friend who knows you well enough to get you to de-stress when you need it. I like that Amethyst doesn't fully cave, and a part of her still resists and claws at her to remain morose, but we still see the hints of her starting to unwind and let peace into her heart.
As a side note, I love your closing line, too.
I'm glad my art could inspire you, Writer, if only tangentially. ^^ Best of luck!
Always nice to see an It’s Always Sunny reference in a pony round. ^^
Actually, this is very much in line with the kind of hilarious hijinks the gang tend to get up to, and now I’m rereading it with Charlie, Mac, and Dennis voicing Rose, Daisy, and Lily. It works, Writer. Well done.
I, uh, can also say that certain details of the story ring true, if you know what I mean. <.<
Actually, this is very much in line with the kind of hilarious hijinks the gang tend to get up to, and now I’m rereading it with Charlie, Mac, and Dennis voicing Rose, Daisy, and Lily. It works, Writer. Well done.
I, uh, can also say that certain details of the story ring true, if you know what I mean. <.<
Maneiac is mean. Like, really mean. Definitely didn’t expect her hitting below the belt regarding sub-surface relationship issues.
I love it. ^^
I’ll echo most of what >>CoffeeMinion said regarding a tonal dissonance between Maneiac wanting the Cakes to go live their lives and then also feasting on their despair, but I think there’s an easy fix: leave a hint or two that she’s playing the long game from the start. Have her reel them in through her feigned disinterest, then undermine them with needling jabs at their physique and marriage for what she's really after. It wouldn’t take much to tie the whole story up like that with what you already have here, Writer, and what you have so far is already plenty impressive.
I love it. ^^
I’ll echo most of what >>CoffeeMinion said regarding a tonal dissonance between Maneiac wanting the Cakes to go live their lives and then also feasting on their despair, but I think there’s an easy fix: leave a hint or two that she’s playing the long game from the start. Have her reel them in through her feigned disinterest, then undermine them with needling jabs at their physique and marriage for what she's really after. It wouldn’t take much to tie the whole story up like that with what you already have here, Writer, and what you have so far is already plenty impressive.
I think a couple of soft scene breaks would help this story flow better - it was a little jarring for Rainbow Dash to suddenly be at the Junior Speedster Flight Camp right after talking to Applejack, and later, scene breaks would help reinforce the idea that a significant amount of time is passing.
That said, I think this is a neat idea, and a good way to frame a positive message about moving on from past mistakes. I’ll second what >>Trick_Question said regarding dialogue vs telling, but if you can address that, this will be a solid story.
That said, I think this is a neat idea, and a good way to frame a positive message about moving on from past mistakes. I’ll second what >>Trick_Question said regarding dialogue vs telling, but if you can address that, this will be a solid story.
I like the idea here, Writer. The journalist feels like he’s leading Rainbow towards the way he’d like the story to go in a realistic manner, and I like how you’ve captured RD’s voice pretty well in the first section of this story.
As the second part goes on, though, it feels like her voicing drifts out of character a bit. It’s also odd that we hear none of RD’s internal monologue until the last four paragraphs, where suddenly it becomes nothing but. Also, it’s fine to end on a down note, but self-absorbed self-pity feels unsatisfying as a final line.
Still, Rainbow Dash suffering the fallout from a doping scandal, as told through an interview, is an interesting premise. Tweak that second part so it feels more cohesive with the first, and I think this could be a neat little story. Best of luck, Writer!
As the second part goes on, though, it feels like her voicing drifts out of character a bit. It’s also odd that we hear none of RD’s internal monologue until the last four paragraphs, where suddenly it becomes nothing but. Also, it’s fine to end on a down note, but self-absorbed self-pity feels unsatisfying as a final line.
Still, Rainbow Dash suffering the fallout from a doping scandal, as told through an interview, is an interesting premise. Tweak that second part so it feels more cohesive with the first, and I think this could be a neat little story. Best of luck, Writer!
Congrats to teacorgi, Roseluck, and Anon Y Mous on their well-deserved medals, as well as everyone else who contributed art this round! This was an impressive turnout, for both the number of art pieces as well as the stories they inspired.
So! Bit of a backstory on this piece. I realized the day art submissions went live that I was going to be camping on Saturday, so it was unlikely I would be able to submit a story this time around. I was dismayed by this, because the prompt “Keep Pretending” just screams relationship trouble to me, which is the kind of story I enjoy reading and writing. So, on a whim, I decided to try to draw an idea for story I would have wanted to write.
The thing is, the last time I sat down with the intent to draw something was for an art class I took back in sixth grade, which was over twenty years ago. I also only had the time to actually draw this the night before I left for that camping trip, in the middle of trying to pack for it. That’s the reason why Twilight has four iterations for her chin - I was originally just sketching in charcoal to see how it looked, then realized I didn’t have time to do it over again if I still wanted to color it. The thought of doing a light pencil sketch first didn’t occur to me until after I’d already finished, as silly as that sounds.
Bearing all this in mind, I’m quite pleased at how this piece turned out. To be honest, I was kinda floored by the fact that Twilight and Sunset looked recognizably human by the time I was done. ^^ And I am immensely pleased with the stories that it inspired! It’s such a neat feeling, reading other Writers’ interpretation of my art. I realize this is probably old hat for the art veterans in our merry band of brigands, but gosh, this was fun!
Much love to >>Moosetasm, >>QuillScratch, >>CoffeeMinion, and >>GroaningGreyAgony for your feedback! It was encouraging to receive such positivity and constructive criticism on something I didn't think I was capable of a week ago. ^^
Right, back to reading stories on my slate. Best of luck, everyone!
So! Bit of a backstory on this piece. I realized the day art submissions went live that I was going to be camping on Saturday, so it was unlikely I would be able to submit a story this time around. I was dismayed by this, because the prompt “Keep Pretending” just screams relationship trouble to me, which is the kind of story I enjoy reading and writing. So, on a whim, I decided to try to draw an idea for story I would have wanted to write.
The thing is, the last time I sat down with the intent to draw something was for an art class I took back in sixth grade, which was over twenty years ago. I also only had the time to actually draw this the night before I left for that camping trip, in the middle of trying to pack for it. That’s the reason why Twilight has four iterations for her chin - I was originally just sketching in charcoal to see how it looked, then realized I didn’t have time to do it over again if I still wanted to color it. The thought of doing a light pencil sketch first didn’t occur to me until after I’d already finished, as silly as that sounds.
Bearing all this in mind, I’m quite pleased at how this piece turned out. To be honest, I was kinda floored by the fact that Twilight and Sunset looked recognizably human by the time I was done. ^^ And I am immensely pleased with the stories that it inspired! It’s such a neat feeling, reading other Writers’ interpretation of my art. I realize this is probably old hat for the art veterans in our merry band of brigands, but gosh, this was fun!
Much love to >>Moosetasm, >>QuillScratch, >>CoffeeMinion, and >>GroaningGreyAgony for your feedback! It was encouraging to receive such positivity and constructive criticism on something I didn't think I was capable of a week ago. ^^
Right, back to reading stories on my slate. Best of luck, everyone!
This could easily be an illustration for a children's book, Artist. Pro-tier line work and coloring. My only real quibble is that Pip's lip being cleft like that skews his features more towards rodent, rather than pony.
Still! I'm very impressed with this piece. I have a sneaking suspicion you've made money doing this kind of art. If not, you easily could!
Still! I'm very impressed with this piece. I have a sneaking suspicion you've made money doing this kind of art. If not, you easily could!
So… setting aside any extraneous context from previous rounds, this is a small fragment of a larger story.
After a strong start that links directly to the title, I’m left with so many questions. Why Pipsqueak? If there’s a specific reason, I have no idea what it is, and if it’s arbitrary, there’s no greater context for why Starlight is doing this in the first place. She seems to shift from a greater (if misguided and cruel) overarching purpose to pure, unadulterated malice as the story goes on, and the fact that it’s implied she’s drunk doesn’t help.
Also, what’s all this about Pipsqueak’s birthright? Am I to infer that Pipsqueak is Starlight’s long-estranged foal? Because, no. There’s not even a trace of that anywhere in canon, and you’ve done nothing, save Starlight’s drunken rambling, to imply otherwise. And why can’t she leave a mark? It implies that she’s going to cut him loose at some point, and that she still has to answer to somepony, but then Twilight Sparkle Herownself barges in and doesn’t even notice the small foal strapped to a torture rack - or is she just used to the sight by now? And bearing all this in mind, who is Starlight afraid of finding out?
I get that Starlight is being manipulative af, but is that why Twilight is completely blitzed? Is Twilight always blitzed? How is she getting away with that? Spike’s (presumably) dead, but what about the rest of the Mane Six? Alienated? Missing? How? Why? Starlight’s playing the long game to have Pipsqueak (presumably) turned into an inequine monster, but to what end? Petty vengeance?
What is the point, Writer?
This is an isolated interesting premise, but without context, that’s all this is - a what-if with no payoff.
After a strong start that links directly to the title, I’m left with so many questions. Why Pipsqueak? If there’s a specific reason, I have no idea what it is, and if it’s arbitrary, there’s no greater context for why Starlight is doing this in the first place. She seems to shift from a greater (if misguided and cruel) overarching purpose to pure, unadulterated malice as the story goes on, and the fact that it’s implied she’s drunk doesn’t help.
Also, what’s all this about Pipsqueak’s birthright? Am I to infer that Pipsqueak is Starlight’s long-estranged foal? Because, no. There’s not even a trace of that anywhere in canon, and you’ve done nothing, save Starlight’s drunken rambling, to imply otherwise. And why can’t she leave a mark? It implies that she’s going to cut him loose at some point, and that she still has to answer to somepony, but then Twilight Sparkle Herownself barges in and doesn’t even notice the small foal strapped to a torture rack - or is she just used to the sight by now? And bearing all this in mind, who is Starlight afraid of finding out?
I get that Starlight is being manipulative af, but is that why Twilight is completely blitzed? Is Twilight always blitzed? How is she getting away with that? Spike’s (presumably) dead, but what about the rest of the Mane Six? Alienated? Missing? How? Why? Starlight’s playing the long game to have Pipsqueak (presumably) turned into an inequine monster, but to what end? Petty vengeance?
What is the point, Writer?
This is an isolated interesting premise, but without context, that’s all this is - a what-if with no payoff.
And another tally mark in the “May I Never Be Blessed with Children” column for today.
Seriously, though, I couldn’t shake this feeling of detached horror as I read this piece. Yes, some of the interactions between Daring Do and Ibis are cute, but the wanton, willful destruction the kid rains upon the house knocks me right out of the story.
Like, my parents would have flayed me alive for even talking back to them like this, let alone the broader context of extensive property damage. Stack that staggering burden of suspension of disbelief on top of Daring Do, of all ponies, being so limp-wristed (limp-pasterned?) about discipline, and I just can’t buy it.
Sorry, Writer, but I bounced off of this hard. I will say that you do an excellent job - perhaps too excellent a job - of portraying Ibis’ willfulness. I agree with the other comments that this feels a lot like it could have been a horror story, and wrenching the narrative towards familial feel-good vibes halfway through doesn’t really work, at least for me.
Seriously, though, I couldn’t shake this feeling of detached horror as I read this piece. Yes, some of the interactions between Daring Do and Ibis are cute, but the wanton, willful destruction the kid rains upon the house knocks me right out of the story.
"I was an octopus. Now I'm a painter." He shot her a glare before returning to his work. "Obviously."
Like, my parents would have flayed me alive for even talking back to them like this, let alone the broader context of extensive property damage. Stack that staggering burden of suspension of disbelief on top of Daring Do, of all ponies, being so limp-wristed (limp-pasterned?) about discipline, and I just can’t buy it.
Sorry, Writer, but I bounced off of this hard. I will say that you do an excellent job - perhaps too excellent a job - of portraying Ibis’ willfulness. I agree with the other comments that this feels a lot like it could have been a horror story, and wrenching the narrative towards familial feel-good vibes halfway through doesn’t really work, at least for me.
I appreciate you citing your source images in the caption, Artist. I, too, recognize the components of this piece, and I think they go pretty well together to tell, or at least suggest, a story.
I wonder if it would have been possible to desaturate Twilight a bit to better fit with the morose background, but as it stands this is still an evocative image.
I wonder if it would have been possible to desaturate Twilight a bit to better fit with the morose background, but as it stands this is still an evocative image.
Thanks to >>Hap, >>Samey90, >>Miller Minus, >>Monokeras, and >>Cassius for your feedback, which made this story's shortcomings abundantly clear.
For me, to make this story better, I needed to have Tricia be pursuing e-sports in general, rather than League of Legends specifically, to cast the widest net possible (and ditch the Dr. Mundo throwaway joke, I honestly don't know why I thought that would fly).
From the outset, this story was going to be a one-trick pony, with the hope that it would make at least a few people smile. It's just unfortunate I botched the joke badly enough that the whole thing just feels kinda bleh.
Oh well. There's always next round. /shrug
For me, to make this story better, I needed to have Tricia be pursuing e-sports in general, rather than League of Legends specifically, to cast the widest net possible (and ditch the Dr. Mundo throwaway joke, I honestly don't know why I thought that would fly).
From the outset, this story was going to be a one-trick pony, with the hope that it would make at least a few people smile. It's just unfortunate I botched the joke badly enough that the whole thing just feels kinda bleh.
Oh well. There's always next round. /shrug
WITH CAT-LIKE TREAD
UPON OUR PREY WE STEAL
IN SILENCE DREAD
OUR CAUTIOUS WAY WE FEEL
NO SOUND AT ALL
WE NEVER SPEAK A WORD
A FLY’S FOOTFALL
WOULD BE DISTINCTLY HEARD
Hokay, sorry. I’m sorry, I just… I had to get that out of my system.
*ahem*
You had me fooled with the first half of this story, Writer. You did a good job of maintaining tension and having things feel high stakes, at least until she starts to go on about her night vision goggles. At that point I started to question why Susan, of all people, would be sent on this type of mission when it’s clear she can be a liability. Still, it’s true that you are never more aware of how much noise you make than when you’re trying really hard not to make any, and you conveyed this very well early on.
My main issue here is that Susan is fully aware that the ground between her and her target is littered with traps, and yet still bounds forward at the last minute to close the distance between them.
Why? Why is she suddenly so heedless of her surroundings when it’s clear past experience has taught her not to do this? Her nerves don’t seem to get the better of her, and there’s no time limit from what we’ve seen so far. She takes paragraphs to move a single footstep, then arbitrarily goes, “Ah, fuck it,” and bounds forward for no reason. If she had lost her footing from standing on one foot for so long, or something else to that effect, it would make more sense.
Also, I agree with >>Haze and >>No_Raisin on pretty much every point that they made - the end overstays its welcome, and Susan and Amy could be named Lyra and Bon Bon and I wouldn’t bat an eye.
All the same, this was a cute idea, and a nice, refreshing change of pace from most of the other stories I’ve read so far. Thanks, Writer!
Tarantara, tarantara~
UPON OUR PREY WE STEAL
IN SILENCE DREAD
OUR CAUTIOUS WAY WE FEEL
NO SOUND AT ALL
WE NEVER SPEAK A WORD
A FLY’S FOOTFALL
WOULD BE DISTINCTLY HEARD
Hokay, sorry. I’m sorry, I just… I had to get that out of my system.
*ahem*
You had me fooled with the first half of this story, Writer. You did a good job of maintaining tension and having things feel high stakes, at least until she starts to go on about her night vision goggles. At that point I started to question why Susan, of all people, would be sent on this type of mission when it’s clear she can be a liability. Still, it’s true that you are never more aware of how much noise you make than when you’re trying really hard not to make any, and you conveyed this very well early on.
My main issue here is that Susan is fully aware that the ground between her and her target is littered with traps, and yet still bounds forward at the last minute to close the distance between them.
she rushed forward, eager to get to the target in one leap.
Why? Why is she suddenly so heedless of her surroundings when it’s clear past experience has taught her not to do this? Her nerves don’t seem to get the better of her, and there’s no time limit from what we’ve seen so far. She takes paragraphs to move a single footstep, then arbitrarily goes, “Ah, fuck it,” and bounds forward for no reason. If she had lost her footing from standing on one foot for so long, or something else to that effect, it would make more sense.
Also, I agree with >>Haze and >>No_Raisin on pretty much every point that they made - the end overstays its welcome, and Susan and Amy could be named Lyra and Bon Bon and I wouldn’t bat an eye.
All the same, this was a cute idea, and a nice, refreshing change of pace from most of the other stories I’ve read so far. Thanks, Writer!
Tarantara, tarantara~
I shouldn’t like this story as much as I do, Writer.
I should be confused by how the arcanotech babble doesn’t feel very consistent throughout the piece.
I should be annoyed at how Reg never actually shoots the varghoul at the start of their wrestling match. The hole just appears in its stomach, and it feels cheap to not even address it in the narrative when the recoil from a 30mm round is not something you just gloss over while in flight, I don’t care how good the suit is at remaining stable mid-air.
I should remember that I spent the entire middle of the story utterly convinced there would not be a satisfying ending, with so much space taken up by what amounts to a high production value fistfight.
But then I got to the end, and it’s like you’re playing a board game, and one of your friends pulls some crazy nonsense out of left field and destroys all of your hopes and dreams in one go, and you should feel frustrated, but all you can do is snap-to-finger-gun at them and go, “that was good,” as you quietly nod and accept your new place in the universe as someone who got “got”.
I’m not even mad. I should be, but I’m not.
Best of luck, Writer!
I should be confused by how the arcanotech babble doesn’t feel very consistent throughout the piece.
I should be annoyed at how Reg never actually shoots the varghoul at the start of their wrestling match. The hole just appears in its stomach, and it feels cheap to not even address it in the narrative when the recoil from a 30mm round is not something you just gloss over while in flight, I don’t care how good the suit is at remaining stable mid-air.
I should remember that I spent the entire middle of the story utterly convinced there would not be a satisfying ending, with so much space taken up by what amounts to a high production value fistfight.
But then I got to the end, and it’s like you’re playing a board game, and one of your friends pulls some crazy nonsense out of left field and destroys all of your hopes and dreams in one go, and you should feel frustrated, but all you can do is snap-to-finger-gun at them and go, “that was good,” as you quietly nod and accept your new place in the universe as someone who got “got”.
I’m not even mad. I should be, but I’m not.
Best of luck, Writer!
I don’t think I’ve ever seen sorghum mentioned in an MLP story before. It shouldn’t have reeled me in to the story as much as it did, but, well, I grew up in Nebraska, had friends that were farm kids growing up.
I read this story during some downtime at work, and I wasn’t as successful as I’d hoped at keeping a lid on how hard I was laughing. According to one of my coworkers, I sounded like I was strangling chickens.
Seriously, though, the taxidermy joke had me in stitches. [/rimshot]
Like your other readers, I was led to believe this story was going to be much more serious in tone by the first section in the volcano. I can see where the joke could be, but without more levity for context, the situation feels pretty dire. It’s out of sync with the rest of the story’slighthearted dark humor.
Also, the slow reveal of the last joke of the story lasts a little too long. I agree with Xepher that Twilight’s smart enough to realize that nopony else had done what needed doing, or at least ask.. I think the joke would still work if you cut straight to Twilight doing everything herself, tell Starlight she’s in charge, etc from there, though. Having Twilight lampshade the second volcano also made me roll my eyes, but I can see the humor there - it’s a great setup for Applejack yanking her back to the present moment.
These are the only critiques I have, though, Writer. This is a great comedy piece that’s right up my alley. I hope to see this published after the competition is over!
I read this story during some downtime at work, and I wasn’t as successful as I’d hoped at keeping a lid on how hard I was laughing. According to one of my coworkers, I sounded like I was strangling chickens.
Seriously, though, the taxidermy joke had me in stitches. [/rimshot]
Like your other readers, I was led to believe this story was going to be much more serious in tone by the first section in the volcano. I can see where the joke could be, but without more levity for context, the situation feels pretty dire. It’s out of sync with the rest of the story’s
Also, the slow reveal of the last joke of the story lasts a little too long. I agree with Xepher that Twilight’s smart enough to realize that nopony else had done what needed doing, or at least ask.. I think the joke would still work if you cut straight to Twilight doing everything herself, tell Starlight she’s in charge, etc from there, though. Having Twilight lampshade the second volcano also made me roll my eyes, but I can see the humor there - it’s a great setup for Applejack yanking her back to the present moment.
These are the only critiques I have, though, Writer. This is a great comedy piece that’s right up my alley. I hope to see this published after the competition is over!
"Oh wow, okay... Well, ummm... Hello, new paradox! At least that explains why you chose Barnstormer."
"Why is that?"
"Because I did! We both came back and did the same thing, because we're both nearly the same changeling!"
It was right around here that I started to lose the thread of what Ocellus had done and what she still needed to do to actually fix things, back when I thought she still had a chance of doing so. Having just finished the story, though, I realize that this is when Ocellus herself started to lose track, too, so it still works. ^^
I had to go back to the beginning to see if there was any foreshadowing for how things played out, and indeed there was, so subtle I completely overlooked it the first time through. Also, it’s pretty neat in retrospect that the entire story is actually from Ocellus’ perspective, though that opening bit with the Chancellor doesn't seem to do much other than be a sly way to introduce that foreshadowing. Still, brilliant work, Writer!
My two bits on the ending is I suspect that Ocellus is just messing with herself, because the implications of her actually being Princess Celestia are pretty dire. Like, how much of a farce is reality itself if basically everyone in the show is one solitary changeling pantomiming a civilization? And for whose benefit? Though that would explain Discord’s persistently cheeky attitude…
Right off the bat, I found myself scratching my head with this story, Writer. You switch between past and present tense in the very first sentence, a trend that continues throughout the rest of the story. It also took you six paragraphs to actually name Castellan’s wife after you introduce her.
However, what I found most distracting was the abruptly shifting and often contradictory emotional states of the characters in this story. Take, for example, your second paragraph.
Let’s address what you’re trying to convey here. Castellan is being portrayed as someone who hates getting up in the morning, perhaps has trouble sleeping, and generally has an antagonistic relationship with the sun. He’s getting up in his years, and as a curmudgeon is wont to do, he curses into his washbasin as he washes up. This is a reasonably good introduction to the character, if a bit verbose. However, bookending this section, he’s smiling. Smiling at the sun that represents all of his problems, and smiling at the smell of the breakfast we learn in the very next paragraph he has no time to eat (which also doesn’t make sense, because it’s clear a listless Celestia isn’t going anywhere for a good long while once we finally meet her). Why is he smiling? There’s no element of stubborn cheerfulness to his personality anywhere else in the story, so it’s inconsistent to have him vacillate between positive and negative mindsets multiple times in a single paragraph.
This inconsistency is at its worst in the first conversation between Castellan and Celestia. His emotions and actions are all over the map, shifting from his initial apprehension and concern for Celestia’s wellbeing to deference to near obsequiousness to irritation to indignation to oh-silly-me to outrage. I can almost see a throughline for all of these emotional states upon multiple re-readings of this section, but the first time through I was completely baffled.
As a side note, I’m not sure what you’re trying to say when Castellan wants Celestia to stop wallowing in “this fetid slough.” If he’s referring to the study, as written he’s just being a dick, since the room isn’t described as especially filthy - just a little dark, with some extra papers stacked on the desk and extra books stacked in the corner. If he’s referring to the lesser-used definition of slough, “a situation characterized by lack of activity or progress,” you might want to remove the word “fetid” as a descriptor, since that’s usually used in association with the swamp definition for the word. It’s what made me initially think the room was a proper pigsty, and left me wondering if I’d missed something.
Anyways, all that said, I like the core of this story. Like >>Miller Minus, I’m partial towards stories that try to shed some light on the years between Nightmare Moon’s banishment and her millennium-later return, and having a steward to the throne be the one to shake some sense into Celestia is a novel approach. Try to pick a particular tone and make the rest of the story consistent with it, and with some polish this could be a real gem.
Best of luck, Writer!
However, what I found most distracting was the abruptly shifting and often contradictory emotional states of the characters in this story. Take, for example, your second paragraph.
The bed creaked underneath his weight when he sat himself up, watching as the sun crested the distant hills. Like always, he smiled at it through the grimace leaking between his teeth. Like always, his eyelids fluttered in protest. Like always, there was a stir in his back, one fixed with him giving it a light stretch. The sunlight between his windows merely cackled, and though he had half a mind to tell it off, there was nothing to be gained from screaming at the orange-colored sky, especially since his voice didn’t have the rich timbre as it had so effortlessly flaunted before. Casting his daily blasphemies into the wash basin, he freshened himself up and gathered his saddlebags before trotting downstairs, smiling when the savory aroma of pumpkin potage swirls into his snout. “Breakfast smells wonderful!”
Let’s address what you’re trying to convey here. Castellan is being portrayed as someone who hates getting up in the morning, perhaps has trouble sleeping, and generally has an antagonistic relationship with the sun. He’s getting up in his years, and as a curmudgeon is wont to do, he curses into his washbasin as he washes up. This is a reasonably good introduction to the character, if a bit verbose. However, bookending this section, he’s smiling. Smiling at the sun that represents all of his problems, and smiling at the smell of the breakfast we learn in the very next paragraph he has no time to eat (which also doesn’t make sense, because it’s clear a listless Celestia isn’t going anywhere for a good long while once we finally meet her). Why is he smiling? There’s no element of stubborn cheerfulness to his personality anywhere else in the story, so it’s inconsistent to have him vacillate between positive and negative mindsets multiple times in a single paragraph.
This inconsistency is at its worst in the first conversation between Castellan and Celestia. His emotions and actions are all over the map, shifting from his initial apprehension and concern for Celestia’s wellbeing to deference to near obsequiousness to irritation to indignation to oh-silly-me to outrage. I can almost see a throughline for all of these emotional states upon multiple re-readings of this section, but the first time through I was completely baffled.
As a side note, I’m not sure what you’re trying to say when Castellan wants Celestia to stop wallowing in “this fetid slough.” If he’s referring to the study, as written he’s just being a dick, since the room isn’t described as especially filthy - just a little dark, with some extra papers stacked on the desk and extra books stacked in the corner. If he’s referring to the lesser-used definition of slough, “a situation characterized by lack of activity or progress,” you might want to remove the word “fetid” as a descriptor, since that’s usually used in association with the swamp definition for the word. It’s what made me initially think the room was a proper pigsty, and left me wondering if I’d missed something.
Anyways, all that said, I like the core of this story. Like >>Miller Minus, I’m partial towards stories that try to shed some light on the years between Nightmare Moon’s banishment and her millennium-later return, and having a steward to the throne be the one to shake some sense into Celestia is a novel approach. Try to pick a particular tone and make the rest of the story consistent with it, and with some polish this could be a real gem.
Best of luck, Writer!
There’s an awful lot of shucky-darn crammed into this story, Writer. Applejack’s particular brand of loquaciousness is usually at around a 7 or 8, and you’ve dialed it all the way to 11. It’s off-putting, and makes the story harder to get through than it needs to be.
Still, scattered throughout this sea of southernisms, there are a few choice bits that I liked quite a lot.
That’s gold, Writer, though I can’t fathom why AJ wouldn’t immediately recognize Fluttershy’s voice.
Ah, poor Fluttershy. I know those feels well, and this is an excellent descriptor for them.
For every good turn of phrase, though, there’s a handful of examples that rubbed me the wrong way. I don’t want to harp on the overuse of dialect too much, as I feel you’re probably going to be getting a lot of that in the coming comments. Suffice it to say I had an irrationally poor reaction to the word “wunna”. It feels like a bridge too far - Applejack is nobody’s fool, and words like this seem to drag her down to an incongruent level of ignorance when used as narrative from her perspective.
Speaking of ignorance, I also have a problem with her being utterly clueless w/ regards to matters of romance. There’s an important difference between disinterest and just plain being dense, and Applejack definitely falls into the latter camp here. This is only reinforced by every other character in the story being fully aware of Fluttershy’s feelings and intentions, as though she’s not even trying to hide them. And I’d be fine if AJ was just not paying attention, but when Sunset and Braeburn are dropping double entendres and basically going nudge nudge wink wink say no more to her face, that strains credibility a bit.
I was a bit put off by the story suddenly taking a hard left turn into zany Equestrian Magic Oh Noes shenanigans, since the story seemed to be setting itself up for Contemplative/Angsty Feels Discussions. On reflection, though, having an external conflict also help resolve Applejack’s internal conflict was a good way to go. It just would have been nice for the external to not literally appear out of nowhere.
All that said, this isn’t a bad story, Writer. I thought it was an interesting touch that Applejack didn’t see Fluttershy "that way" until after her feelings were made known to her, and then having AJ progressively warm to the idea (no pun intended). I think it’s been years since I’ve last read a story with Braeburn in it, and pairing him with Sunset is certainly novel. Tone down the twang a bit and maybe polish off the story beats a little more, and this could be something pretty neat.
Still, scattered throughout this sea of southernisms, there are a few choice bits that I liked quite a lot.
"Applejack?" someone said soft as a wren's hiccup
That’s gold, Writer, though I can’t fathom why AJ wouldn’t immediately recognize Fluttershy’s voice.
a dusty sorta sadness
Ah, poor Fluttershy. I know those feels well, and this is an excellent descriptor for them.
For every good turn of phrase, though, there’s a handful of examples that rubbed me the wrong way. I don’t want to harp on the overuse of dialect too much, as I feel you’re probably going to be getting a lot of that in the coming comments. Suffice it to say I had an irrationally poor reaction to the word “wunna”. It feels like a bridge too far - Applejack is nobody’s fool, and words like this seem to drag her down to an incongruent level of ignorance when used as narrative from her perspective.
Speaking of ignorance, I also have a problem with her being utterly clueless w/ regards to matters of romance. There’s an important difference between disinterest and just plain being dense, and Applejack definitely falls into the latter camp here. This is only reinforced by every other character in the story being fully aware of Fluttershy’s feelings and intentions, as though she’s not even trying to hide them. And I’d be fine if AJ was just not paying attention, but when Sunset and Braeburn are dropping double entendres and basically going nudge nudge wink wink say no more to her face, that strains credibility a bit.
I was a bit put off by the story suddenly taking a hard left turn into zany Equestrian Magic Oh Noes shenanigans, since the story seemed to be setting itself up for Contemplative/Angsty Feels Discussions. On reflection, though, having an external conflict also help resolve Applejack’s internal conflict was a good way to go. It just would have been nice for the external to not literally appear out of nowhere.
All that said, this isn’t a bad story, Writer. I thought it was an interesting touch that Applejack didn’t see Fluttershy "that way" until after her feelings were made known to her, and then having AJ progressively warm to the idea (no pun intended). I think it’s been years since I’ve last read a story with Braeburn in it, and pairing him with Sunset is certainly novel. Tone down the twang a bit and maybe polish off the story beats a little more, and this could be something pretty neat.
Paging WIP