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First time I’ve participated since 2015. Time to see if 4 years of not writing has improved my skills.
Hooked:
From a technical standpoint, it’s a good story. I’m not a great writer, but know enough as a reader when a story has stumbling points. It flowed well and there wasn’t any stand out points where the formatting tripped me up. Maybe there are more knowledgeable writers who can point out some improvements, but I wasn’t able to think of anything so good job in that regard.
As for the content, I felt it was an ok story. I’m not sure if it qualifies as a crack fic and it also doesn't seem as a great parody either, more like somewhere in the middle. Which isn’t a bad thing but these types of stories have their downsides. They are inherently easy to write but very hard to write well. Any story element that falls short or fails to hit a note with the reader can be chalked up to the inherit ridiculousness in the fic. So the bar for a really bad crack fic is pretty low. There are some good ones out there, but they tend to go to the extremes while this one plays in a relatively safe territory. While it has an element of parody, I’m not sure if that was something the author was striving for as it’s not something that is focused on. The impromptu musical element of the show is used but not in a way the pushes it to a logical extreme and seeks to disassemble it’s implications. The musical element seems to solely be used as a tool for comedic effect. The humor was also not something that really hit me.
As a reader, I’m biased when it comes to stories like this. I prefer coming out of them with something that I didn’t go in with. Whether that be a better understanding of something, a different view I hadn’t considered before or at least a hurting side from laughing too much at the ridiculousness of it all. Unfortunately I didn’t get any of those and as such I don’t think I can rank it as a top story. Well written, I just wish it had that something more.
From a technical standpoint, it’s a good story. I’m not a great writer, but know enough as a reader when a story has stumbling points. It flowed well and there wasn’t any stand out points where the formatting tripped me up. Maybe there are more knowledgeable writers who can point out some improvements, but I wasn’t able to think of anything so good job in that regard.
As for the content, I felt it was an ok story. I’m not sure if it qualifies as a crack fic and it also doesn't seem as a great parody either, more like somewhere in the middle. Which isn’t a bad thing but these types of stories have their downsides. They are inherently easy to write but very hard to write well. Any story element that falls short or fails to hit a note with the reader can be chalked up to the inherit ridiculousness in the fic. So the bar for a really bad crack fic is pretty low. There are some good ones out there, but they tend to go to the extremes while this one plays in a relatively safe territory. While it has an element of parody, I’m not sure if that was something the author was striving for as it’s not something that is focused on. The impromptu musical element of the show is used but not in a way the pushes it to a logical extreme and seeks to disassemble it’s implications. The musical element seems to solely be used as a tool for comedic effect. The humor was also not something that really hit me.
As a reader, I’m biased when it comes to stories like this. I prefer coming out of them with something that I didn’t go in with. Whether that be a better understanding of something, a different view I hadn’t considered before or at least a hurting side from laughing too much at the ridiculousness of it all. Unfortunately I didn’t get any of those and as such I don’t think I can rank it as a top story. Well written, I just wish it had that something more.
The Things You Do for Love:
I want to be interested in what is going on, but I get more distracted from wondering how we got to where we are. Not sure why Wallflower is an expert on dark magic, or even how old everyone is in this. I think the last line was an attempt at a laugh, but the story doesn’t really have the tone of a comedy, dark or otherwise, so it doesn’t quite hit. I didn’t really feel sad either as the writing doesn’t push that feeling and is more of an even neutral tone. I feel like I’m reading the beginning of arc number two in Wallflower the Zombie Raiser. There is some formatting elements that can be improved as well as smoother dialogue, though I can’t say I can point out how as those parts of a story also give me trouble. Over all an ok chapter 2, but a little lacking as a stand alone.
I want to be interested in what is going on, but I get more distracted from wondering how we got to where we are. Not sure why Wallflower is an expert on dark magic, or even how old everyone is in this. I think the last line was an attempt at a laugh, but the story doesn’t really have the tone of a comedy, dark or otherwise, so it doesn’t quite hit. I didn’t really feel sad either as the writing doesn’t push that feeling and is more of an even neutral tone. I feel like I’m reading the beginning of arc number two in Wallflower the Zombie Raiser. There is some formatting elements that can be improved as well as smoother dialogue, though I can’t say I can point out how as those parts of a story also give me trouble. Over all an ok chapter 2, but a little lacking as a stand alone.
Through the Mirror:
This feels less like an introspection into Sunset and more of a re-cap of the movie and comic. The new scenes/thoughts that we get are not fleshed out nor do they add to the original story. And some of the page breaks could be combined together, for instance the first three segments after the number 2 (not sure why there are numbers, assuming before and after time skip?) could have been combined into one section, with pillow-facing Sunset thinking about how her getting the crown went mostly to plan but now had a huge hurdle. Over all this story doesn’t bring me any new information than what I would get from having watched the movie or read the comic. And there are a few moments where I was briefly distracted with information.
When Sunset first comes through the portal, I was first distracted on how she lost some enchantments, of which I don’t know what they were as they weren’t mentioned, yet the enchanted journal still worked. Then was distracted as she was first surprised by what she found/didn’t find inside her bag, before the weird digits and new species. I figured the order of those would have been reversed.
I would suggest finding that one element you think the original is missing, and write your story by adding that element.
This feels less like an introspection into Sunset and more of a re-cap of the movie and comic. The new scenes/thoughts that we get are not fleshed out nor do they add to the original story. And some of the page breaks could be combined together, for instance the first three segments after the number 2 (not sure why there are numbers, assuming before and after time skip?) could have been combined into one section, with pillow-facing Sunset thinking about how her getting the crown went mostly to plan but now had a huge hurdle. Over all this story doesn’t bring me any new information than what I would get from having watched the movie or read the comic. And there are a few moments where I was briefly distracted with information.
When Sunset first comes through the portal, I was first distracted on how she lost some enchantments, of which I don’t know what they were as they weren’t mentioned, yet the enchanted journal still worked. Then was distracted as she was first surprised by what she found/didn’t find inside her bag, before the weird digits and new species. I figured the order of those would have been reversed.
I would suggest finding that one element you think the original is missing, and write your story by adding that element.
The Pants Macabre:
It took a while into this before I realized it was supposed to be a silly story. Even after that point I still felt like it wasn’t as silly as it could have been, maybe holding itself back. I think it should lean into the silliness and go all out. I might have some bias against this story as I only know Zephyr from clips from the show and not actually watching the episodes he is in, so it’s hard for me to nail down his mannerisms. I also couldn’t really put a voice to the pants, so much of that humor was lost on me. I think there is an excellent silly story here, it just needs to be shined up a bit.
It took a while into this before I realized it was supposed to be a silly story. Even after that point I still felt like it wasn’t as silly as it could have been, maybe holding itself back. I think it should lean into the silliness and go all out. I might have some bias against this story as I only know Zephyr from clips from the show and not actually watching the episodes he is in, so it’s hard for me to nail down his mannerisms. I also couldn’t really put a voice to the pants, so much of that humor was lost on me. I think there is an excellent silly story here, it just needs to be shined up a bit.
>>Monokeras
I think the metallic taste is the taste of blood. it's implied that he chewed himself almost to the bone in a sort of psychotic episode.
I'm not sold on the changeling idea. I don't really see any hints at changelings and not sure how becoming a foals wings will gain them love.
I think the metallic taste is the taste of blood. it's implied that he chewed himself almost to the bone in a sort of psychotic episode.
I'm not sold on the changeling idea. I don't really see any hints at changelings and not sure how becoming a foals wings will gain them love.
>>Fenton
I thought it was obvious based on the author drawing attention to the mare on the moon. Lunas face disappeared off the moon when she was released.
I thought it was obvious based on the author drawing attention to the mare on the moon. Lunas face disappeared off the moon when she was released.
The Memory:
I really liked this. Just to get it out of the way, there are several grammatical issues as well as places you could smooth out the flow and dialogue. A good run through with an editor should fix those, but I would wait until after tweaking some other things first.
The story itself was very nice. At times it felt like the flow of the story was as serene as the clearing Celestia was revisiting. The idea is an interesting concept and I wish it had expanded even more.
The hangups I do have are all around a lack of explanation.
For instance, why did they not move Celestia to a hospital after discovering her? What exactly is “auras” in this world and what effect do they generally have? It’s never really explained why her eyes and hair are changing, are they reverting to their prior colors? Or are they just completely different, as they are described as a stranger's eyes?” Speaking of eyes, the way it is phrased is really odd. I think let others describe the descriptive changes to her rather than as a narrative description as the below part is an interesting hook but doesn’t really play into anything and is an odd way to introduce new information ahead of time.
I also think there is room to add more, as in more interaction and thoughts from both Twilight and Luna, as well as her own personal thoughts. She goes away for months but we never really know what she is thinking or even doing while gone. Seems like a good way to keep the pace slow and allow introspective into what the idea of “retirement” is to an immortal princess. I also thought it odd that no one mentioned the coincidental timing as it occurred immediately after she stepped down.
Still, well done.
I really liked this. Just to get it out of the way, there are several grammatical issues as well as places you could smooth out the flow and dialogue. A good run through with an editor should fix those, but I would wait until after tweaking some other things first.
The story itself was very nice. At times it felt like the flow of the story was as serene as the clearing Celestia was revisiting. The idea is an interesting concept and I wish it had expanded even more.
The hangups I do have are all around a lack of explanation.
For instance, why did they not move Celestia to a hospital after discovering her? What exactly is “auras” in this world and what effect do they generally have? It’s never really explained why her eyes and hair are changing, are they reverting to their prior colors? Or are they just completely different, as they are described as a stranger's eyes?” Speaking of eyes, the way it is phrased is really odd. I think let others describe the descriptive changes to her rather than as a narrative description as the below part is an interesting hook but doesn’t really play into anything and is an odd way to introduce new information ahead of time.
The eyes in Celestia’s head were not Celestia’s, but somepony else’s. They captured the morning light with the same childlike twinkle as Celestia’s eyes. They gazed with the same intensity as Celestia’s eyes. They softened at the sight of her sister just like Celestia’s.
But they were not Celestia’s eyes.
I also think there is room to add more, as in more interaction and thoughts from both Twilight and Luna, as well as her own personal thoughts. She goes away for months but we never really know what she is thinking or even doing while gone. Seems like a good way to keep the pace slow and allow introspective into what the idea of “retirement” is to an immortal princess. I also thought it odd that no one mentioned the coincidental timing as it occurred immediately after she stepped down.
Still, well done.
Daring Ponies:
This read like a rough draft. There is a story here, but it seems like it got lost in the writing. The personalities of the characters seem to switch arbitrarily and the relationship between suffers the same. The constant switching of names is confusing, as sticking with one set would work just fine for the story’s purposes. There are several questionable decisions being made, such as dad purposely putting him and his daughter in a book they can apparently die in. Over all though, I think the greatest shortcoming of this is that it can’t seem to decide what it wants the story to be about. I thought it was going to be a dad and daughter relationship building story, but they don’t really develop or learn anything. We are told at the end that there is some sort of change or growth, but I don’t know when that occurred or what caused it as it isn’t shown happening. It’s not really an adventure story either as exposition is thrown at us and then resolved in a mechanical manner. There is an idea here that can work well, but the story needs to be focused on what is important and strive to push the narrative in that direction.
I’m hoping this doesn’t sound too blunt or mean, it’s not my intention. I’m writing this really late as I won’t have time tomorrow to do any reviews so need to get what I can tonight before then. As such I’m not taking as much time as I usually do on my reviews.
Side note, the daughter is kinda unlikable as is, especially when she doesn’t want to help escape over a cookie? I mean, you can have a moment where they butt heads and her having a pettiness about her isn’t bad, but something so trivial in such a dangerous situation seems unlike something any normal person or pony would do.
This read like a rough draft. There is a story here, but it seems like it got lost in the writing. The personalities of the characters seem to switch arbitrarily and the relationship between suffers the same. The constant switching of names is confusing, as sticking with one set would work just fine for the story’s purposes. There are several questionable decisions being made, such as dad purposely putting him and his daughter in a book they can apparently die in. Over all though, I think the greatest shortcoming of this is that it can’t seem to decide what it wants the story to be about. I thought it was going to be a dad and daughter relationship building story, but they don’t really develop or learn anything. We are told at the end that there is some sort of change or growth, but I don’t know when that occurred or what caused it as it isn’t shown happening. It’s not really an adventure story either as exposition is thrown at us and then resolved in a mechanical manner. There is an idea here that can work well, but the story needs to be focused on what is important and strive to push the narrative in that direction.
I’m hoping this doesn’t sound too blunt or mean, it’s not my intention. I’m writing this really late as I won’t have time tomorrow to do any reviews so need to get what I can tonight before then. As such I’m not taking as much time as I usually do on my reviews.
Side note, the daughter is kinda unlikable as is, especially when she doesn’t want to help escape over a cookie? I mean, you can have a moment where they butt heads and her having a pettiness about her isn’t bad, but something so trivial in such a dangerous situation seems unlike something any normal person or pony would do.
Pretty good, some room for improvement. Before I realized that discord and fluttershy were already in a relationship, discord saying this is how you make chaos while proposing seemed really mean. I also thought rarity was a bit presumptuous with how she was saying the reason behind fluttershys crush, really should just ask the mare. Also, I thought that rarity and twilight were in a relationship already so was a bit surprised when it turned out they weren't. Still pretty good.
Fair warning, ice been drinking as it's my bday get together so all of the above may be wrong.
Fair warning, ice been drinking as it's my bday get together so all of the above may be wrong.