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Hooked
(No spoilers, unless you are a cabbage or something.)
It was a standard morning in Ponytown, one of the happiest places in Ponyworld, which is an awful lot like Equestria except that this world has four regular seasons instead of nine.
A pair of nameless humans were walking down the street. Let’s say they’re Aaron and Annette. Both were dressed sharply in blue suede outfits and were deep in an animated discussion.
“… It totally works,” said Annette. “They don’t even have to have ever heard a note of the song!”
“You’re shitting me,” said Aaron. “How could they possibly know? It’s human music.”
“Maybe their extra-material brains can reach across dimensions and retrieve the sheet music from the pulsating rim of Cthulhu’s anus, from where all pop music is spawned,” said Annette. “But fuck you if you don’t trust me. Just pick some random pony here and we’ll give it a go.”
“Damn straight, we’re gonna try this, right now! I choose… her!” Aaron pointed to Background Pony #832.
Beepee 832 had her rump planted on a tuft of grass by the side of the street and was staring into the sky as she contemplated the deep philosophical question of whether holes have moles or moles have holes. A pair of grim intent shadows fell over her and she looked up with a puzzled but cheerful grin.
Aaron and Annette leaned down over her, grinning curly-cornered smiles with their hands clasped behind their backs.
“H-hello…?” said the pony, looking back and forth between their faces.
Suddenly, Aaron and Annette started to chant in unison.
Ooga-chakka, ooga ooga, ooga chakka, ooga ooga…
Beepee still looked endearingly confused, then her eyes got a faraway look and her pupils widened. Aaron and Annette continued to chant. Ooga-chakka, ooga ooga…
The wide eyed look started to turn to a look of horror. Beepee whined softly, and cartoonish drops of sweat formed on her brow. Ooga-chakka, ooga ooga…
Beepee bit her lip and started to tremble.
Ooga chakka, ooga ooga…
Beepee squirmed and gritted her teeth as if she had to pee, but it was too late. Her lips parted and the music came forth:
“I can’t stop this feeling, deep inside of me…” Beepee clamped her hooves over her mouth but the damage was done. She couldn’t hold it back now.
Aaron’s eyes lit up in surprise and glee, Annette smiled grimly. They continues to chant and Beepee continued to sing, her little tail twitching and her eyes fixed on a point beyond the horizon.
“Perhaps she doesn’t realize what we did to her,” whispered Aaron.
“Why not hold her in your arms real tight? That’ll tell her everything’s all right,” replied Annette.
Aaron reached down to pick the quivering little pony up as she posed and sang.
“I-ay-yai-iiiiii--” Boom boom went her little sharp rear hooves on the ground. “--I’m hooked on a feeling… And I’m high on believing…”
The song’s influence continued to spread. Ponies were starting to lift their heads and swivel their ears. Aaron carried BP off down the street as Annette marched along in time. Every time there was a Boom Boom, Aaron swung Beepee over so her hooves could slam against a convenient building, park bench or baby carriage. “I turn the pony to Boom Boom,” he explained to no one.
As Beepee sang and they marched along, various citizens got caught up in the song. The pink party pony was drawn in with a smooch. Then the tipsy berry-colored pony stumbled in. The nurse rushed forth with a hypodermic full of antidote, but it went uninjected as she got caught up and joined in the chorus.
“That you’re in love with meeeeeee!”
The chorus of involved ponies grew. Saxophones and guitars materialized and dozens of hooves were thumping on the street to the Boom Booms, sending tremors through the ground and into the bedrock…
Far off in Banterrot castle, the Royal Horses were smoking a hookah loaded with phoenix ashes when there was a terrible disturbance. In the corner was an ornate sculptural mechanism consisting of a decorated central column that resembled the castle, with eight small pony statues circling it and facing inward. In response to an unseen quiver, one of the ponies lifted its tail and deposited a small marble in a tiny glass dish with an adorable little clink.
“Aha, sister!” cried the Royal Moonhorse. “The seismic detector worked just as I intended. We have another outbreak, southeast of here!” She turned to another machine that generated a long strip of paper with squiggly lines on it. “The distinctive double bump! It is the “Hook” song that has caused so much chaos amongst our subjects! And it lies in the direction of Ponytown!”
The Royal Sunhorse finished sipping her haytea. “This will not stand. We warned the humans with no names about repeating this foul scenario. Let Us go now and remind them of Our displeasure! Horseguards, assemble!”
Fires were breaking out in Ponytown by the time the Horsisters arrived, and the taller buildings were swaying to the unholy music. Citizens had taken to the streets, chanting rhythmically from the balconies, windows and treetops. The famous singer/actor, Hasselhoof, was standing on a cloud accompanied by two cherubic pegasi as he belted out his own take on the pernicious melody. Another pegasus, trapped in his cloudhouse and overwhelmed by the music, horked on the ceiling.
“Argh, this song was so good before they added that ooba-booba nonsense!” growled Sunhorse as their chariot cruised above the town, seeking the center of the infection.
“Bejaysus,” muttered a guard as he dodged a flock of shrieking birds. The wind blew, swayed the chariot, and ruffled everyone’s manes and feathers for miles around.
“Weather’s going out of control, sis,” said Moonhorse. “We must act soon. There stand the peccant apes!”
Aaron and Anonette had reached the gazebo at town center, surrounded by hordes of chanting ponies. They were unable to stop it even if they wanted; the course of events had swept them into its currents and they clung to Beepee as if she was a magical amulet of certainty and reason, and not just a tiny sweaty fuzzy horse.
“All the good love, when we’re all alone…” sang the crowd as the chariot descended. They were too far gone to genuflect properly towards the Royal Presences, and Sunhorse made a mental reminder to bump the property taxes up by a percentage point or three at the next legislative session
The chariot landed and two guards rushed towards the humans. Aaron lifted Beepee at just the right time, and the boomp-boomp of her hooves struck down one guard, then another.
“Have you the countersong ready, sister?” cried Moonhorse over the din.
“Hold them a bit longer; Cthulhu’s nether regions are more troublesome to locate nowadays. Ah!” Through a flaming hole in the air that connected with eldritch and unwholesome realms, the antithetical notes poured forth:
Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight
Gonna grab some afternoon delight…
“Boo! No fair!” cried the disappointed humans. “That isn’t even music, it’s just chanting!”
As the insipid melody filled the air around them, the ponies were blinking, shaking their heads and sneezing, then breaking free of Crowdsung influences, to glare at their tormentors with irritated or disappointed expressions. They started rushing off to tend to burning food in ovens, change diapers on piss-soaked infants, and adjust control rods to dampen runaway thaumic reactions.
As the area cleared and the solemn Royals approached the anthropoid perpetrators, Aaron smiled blithely and set Beepee down, where she promptly stiffened and fell over on her side. Annette stood with a curious expression on her face, her hand in her pocket.
“Moon?” said Sunhorse, her eyes almost literally ablaze.
“Not my moon, I pray you, sister,” said Moonhorse. “Petrification?”
“I wouldn’t want those ugly statues in my gardens. Banishment to the Muzak recording studios?”
“That seems fair. Humans, have you aught to say before we pronounce judgement upon you?”
“Your Haynesses,” said Annette, “we do have one statement.”
She brought from her pocket a small music player, and pressed play. Out came the brassy strains of Yakety Sax. In the instant when the Royals were taken aback, the humans vanished, leaving behind dust clouds shaped just like them.
As the music faded into the distance, Aaron and Annette fled from Ponytown and over the hills at top speed, pursued by a pair of galloping and cursing Horsegods who launched firebolts that always comically went awry before hitting their targets.
It was a standard morning in Ponytown, one of the happiest places in Ponyworld, which is an awful lot like Equestria except that this world has four regular seasons instead of nine.
A pair of nameless humans were walking down the street. Let’s say they’re Aaron and Annette. Both were dressed sharply in blue suede outfits and were deep in an animated discussion.
“… It totally works,” said Annette. “They don’t even have to have ever heard a note of the song!”
“You’re shitting me,” said Aaron. “How could they possibly know? It’s human music.”
“Maybe their extra-material brains can reach across dimensions and retrieve the sheet music from the pulsating rim of Cthulhu’s anus, from where all pop music is spawned,” said Annette. “But fuck you if you don’t trust me. Just pick some random pony here and we’ll give it a go.”
“Damn straight, we’re gonna try this, right now! I choose… her!” Aaron pointed to Background Pony #832.
Beepee 832 had her rump planted on a tuft of grass by the side of the street and was staring into the sky as she contemplated the deep philosophical question of whether holes have moles or moles have holes. A pair of grim intent shadows fell over her and she looked up with a puzzled but cheerful grin.
Aaron and Annette leaned down over her, grinning curly-cornered smiles with their hands clasped behind their backs.
“H-hello…?” said the pony, looking back and forth between their faces.
Suddenly, Aaron and Annette started to chant in unison.
Ooga-chakka, ooga ooga, ooga chakka, ooga ooga…
Beepee still looked endearingly confused, then her eyes got a faraway look and her pupils widened. Aaron and Annette continued to chant. Ooga-chakka, ooga ooga…
The wide eyed look started to turn to a look of horror. Beepee whined softly, and cartoonish drops of sweat formed on her brow. Ooga-chakka, ooga ooga…
Beepee bit her lip and started to tremble.
Ooga chakka, ooga ooga…
Beepee squirmed and gritted her teeth as if she had to pee, but it was too late. Her lips parted and the music came forth:
“I can’t stop this feeling, deep inside of me…” Beepee clamped her hooves over her mouth but the damage was done. She couldn’t hold it back now.
Aaron’s eyes lit up in surprise and glee, Annette smiled grimly. They continues to chant and Beepee continued to sing, her little tail twitching and her eyes fixed on a point beyond the horizon.
“Perhaps she doesn’t realize what we did to her,” whispered Aaron.
“Why not hold her in your arms real tight? That’ll tell her everything’s all right,” replied Annette.
Aaron reached down to pick the quivering little pony up as she posed and sang.
“I-ay-yai-iiiiii--” Boom boom went her little sharp rear hooves on the ground. “--I’m hooked on a feeling… And I’m high on believing…”
The song’s influence continued to spread. Ponies were starting to lift their heads and swivel their ears. Aaron carried BP off down the street as Annette marched along in time. Every time there was a Boom Boom, Aaron swung Beepee over so her hooves could slam against a convenient building, park bench or baby carriage. “I turn the pony to Boom Boom,” he explained to no one.
As Beepee sang and they marched along, various citizens got caught up in the song. The pink party pony was drawn in with a smooch. Then the tipsy berry-colored pony stumbled in. The nurse rushed forth with a hypodermic full of antidote, but it went uninjected as she got caught up and joined in the chorus.
“That you’re in love with meeeeeee!”
The chorus of involved ponies grew. Saxophones and guitars materialized and dozens of hooves were thumping on the street to the Boom Booms, sending tremors through the ground and into the bedrock…
Far off in Banterrot castle, the Royal Horses were smoking a hookah loaded with phoenix ashes when there was a terrible disturbance. In the corner was an ornate sculptural mechanism consisting of a decorated central column that resembled the castle, with eight small pony statues circling it and facing inward. In response to an unseen quiver, one of the ponies lifted its tail and deposited a small marble in a tiny glass dish with an adorable little clink.
“Aha, sister!” cried the Royal Moonhorse. “The seismic detector worked just as I intended. We have another outbreak, southeast of here!” She turned to another machine that generated a long strip of paper with squiggly lines on it. “The distinctive double bump! It is the “Hook” song that has caused so much chaos amongst our subjects! And it lies in the direction of Ponytown!”
The Royal Sunhorse finished sipping her haytea. “This will not stand. We warned the humans with no names about repeating this foul scenario. Let Us go now and remind them of Our displeasure! Horseguards, assemble!”
Fires were breaking out in Ponytown by the time the Horsisters arrived, and the taller buildings were swaying to the unholy music. Citizens had taken to the streets, chanting rhythmically from the balconies, windows and treetops. The famous singer/actor, Hasselhoof, was standing on a cloud accompanied by two cherubic pegasi as he belted out his own take on the pernicious melody. Another pegasus, trapped in his cloudhouse and overwhelmed by the music, horked on the ceiling.
“Argh, this song was so good before they added that ooba-booba nonsense!” growled Sunhorse as their chariot cruised above the town, seeking the center of the infection.
“Bejaysus,” muttered a guard as he dodged a flock of shrieking birds. The wind blew, swayed the chariot, and ruffled everyone’s manes and feathers for miles around.
“Weather’s going out of control, sis,” said Moonhorse. “We must act soon. There stand the peccant apes!”
Aaron and Anonette had reached the gazebo at town center, surrounded by hordes of chanting ponies. They were unable to stop it even if they wanted; the course of events had swept them into its currents and they clung to Beepee as if she was a magical amulet of certainty and reason, and not just a tiny sweaty fuzzy horse.
“All the good love, when we’re all alone…” sang the crowd as the chariot descended. They were too far gone to genuflect properly towards the Royal Presences, and Sunhorse made a mental reminder to bump the property taxes up by a percentage point or three at the next legislative session
The chariot landed and two guards rushed towards the humans. Aaron lifted Beepee at just the right time, and the boomp-boomp of her hooves struck down one guard, then another.
“Have you the countersong ready, sister?” cried Moonhorse over the din.
“Hold them a bit longer; Cthulhu’s nether regions are more troublesome to locate nowadays. Ah!” Through a flaming hole in the air that connected with eldritch and unwholesome realms, the antithetical notes poured forth:
Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight
Gonna grab some afternoon delight…
“Boo! No fair!” cried the disappointed humans. “That isn’t even music, it’s just chanting!”
As the insipid melody filled the air around them, the ponies were blinking, shaking their heads and sneezing, then breaking free of Crowdsung influences, to glare at their tormentors with irritated or disappointed expressions. They started rushing off to tend to burning food in ovens, change diapers on piss-soaked infants, and adjust control rods to dampen runaway thaumic reactions.
As the area cleared and the solemn Royals approached the anthropoid perpetrators, Aaron smiled blithely and set Beepee down, where she promptly stiffened and fell over on her side. Annette stood with a curious expression on her face, her hand in her pocket.
“Moon?” said Sunhorse, her eyes almost literally ablaze.
“Not my moon, I pray you, sister,” said Moonhorse. “Petrification?”
“I wouldn’t want those ugly statues in my gardens. Banishment to the Muzak recording studios?”
“That seems fair. Humans, have you aught to say before we pronounce judgement upon you?”
“Your Haynesses,” said Annette, “we do have one statement.”
She brought from her pocket a small music player, and pressed play. Out came the brassy strains of Yakety Sax. In the instant when the Royals were taken aback, the humans vanished, leaving behind dust clouds shaped just like them.
As the music faded into the distance, Aaron and Annette fled from Ponytown and over the hills at top speed, pursued by a pair of galloping and cursing Horsegods who launched firebolts that always comically went awry before hitting their targets.
Pretty silly:
I felt myself at something of a disadvantage, however, since every time I tried singing the song in question along with Our Heroes, I kept segueing into "Sugar Sugar" by the Archies, something that might perhaps be even more insipid than the aforementioned song in question.
But as a random act of goofiness, this performs admirably. Maybe their getaway music at the end could've been the pseudo "Yakety Sax" that William Anderson wrote for "Ticket Master" and "Bird in the Hoof" 'cause then the narrative could pause while it overexplains the point, but other than that, set phasers on polka and we're off!
Mike
I felt myself at something of a disadvantage, however, since every time I tried singing the song in question along with Our Heroes, I kept segueing into "Sugar Sugar" by the Archies, something that might perhaps be even more insipid than the aforementioned song in question.
But as a random act of goofiness, this performs admirably. Maybe their getaway music at the end could've been the pseudo "Yakety Sax" that William Anderson wrote for "Ticket Master" and "Bird in the Hoof" 'cause then the narrative could pause while it overexplains the point, but other than that, set phasers on polka and we're off!
Mike
Genre: High-Octane Madness
Thoughts: I can’t help but award this instant bonus points for reeferencing one of the all-time greatest pieces of Writeoff art with the following line:
That line had me groaning with a sort of monochrome-ish agony, it did. And it’s representative of the level of abject comedic nonsense that we’ve got going on here. The writing is strong and on-point; the humor is gratuitous but rapid-fire, with the seasons joke being an early groaner. The Hasselhoof reference is both timely and appropriate for this kind of homage/satire. I feel touched by it—specifically in my thaumic control rod. Verily this story doth incite heat in mine humours—and the only cure beèth more bell of yon cow.
I have one but, though—and I don’t mean the one on my backside. The ending here is a teensy bit flatter than the rest of the nonsense leading up to it. Actually the very-very end is fine, but the couple of paragraphs leading up to it are comparatively meh. I would argue that you can’t let up on the intensity with this style of humor, lest you risk the audience pausing and realizing that it’s all just a big bucket full of gags. Other than that, though, I was totally hooked on a feeeeliiiiing—
Tier: Top Contender
Thoughts: I can’t help but award this instant bonus points for re
the Royal Horses were smoking a hookah loaded with phoenix ashes
That line had me groaning with a sort of monochrome-ish agony, it did. And it’s representative of the level of abject comedic nonsense that we’ve got going on here. The writing is strong and on-point; the humor is gratuitous but rapid-fire, with the seasons joke being an early groaner. The Hasselhoof reference is both timely and appropriate for this kind of homage/satire. I feel touched by it—specifically in my thaumic control rod. Verily this story doth incite heat in mine humours—and the only cure beèth more bell of yon cow.
I have one but, though—and I don’t mean the one on my backside. The ending here is a teensy bit flatter than the rest of the nonsense leading up to it. Actually the very-very end is fine, but the couple of paragraphs leading up to it are comparatively meh. I would argue that you can’t let up on the intensity with this style of humor, lest you risk the audience pausing and realizing that it’s all just a big bucket full of gags. Other than that, though, I was totally hooked on a feeeeliiiiing—
Tier: Top Contender
Hooked:
From a technical standpoint, it’s a good story. I’m not a great writer, but know enough as a reader when a story has stumbling points. It flowed well and there wasn’t any stand out points where the formatting tripped me up. Maybe there are more knowledgeable writers who can point out some improvements, but I wasn’t able to think of anything so good job in that regard.
As for the content, I felt it was an ok story. I’m not sure if it qualifies as a crack fic and it also doesn't seem as a great parody either, more like somewhere in the middle. Which isn’t a bad thing but these types of stories have their downsides. They are inherently easy to write but very hard to write well. Any story element that falls short or fails to hit a note with the reader can be chalked up to the inherit ridiculousness in the fic. So the bar for a really bad crack fic is pretty low. There are some good ones out there, but they tend to go to the extremes while this one plays in a relatively safe territory. While it has an element of parody, I’m not sure if that was something the author was striving for as it’s not something that is focused on. The impromptu musical element of the show is used but not in a way the pushes it to a logical extreme and seeks to disassemble it’s implications. The musical element seems to solely be used as a tool for comedic effect. The humor was also not something that really hit me.
As a reader, I’m biased when it comes to stories like this. I prefer coming out of them with something that I didn’t go in with. Whether that be a better understanding of something, a different view I hadn’t considered before or at least a hurting side from laughing too much at the ridiculousness of it all. Unfortunately I didn’t get any of those and as such I don’t think I can rank it as a top story. Well written, I just wish it had that something more.
From a technical standpoint, it’s a good story. I’m not a great writer, but know enough as a reader when a story has stumbling points. It flowed well and there wasn’t any stand out points where the formatting tripped me up. Maybe there are more knowledgeable writers who can point out some improvements, but I wasn’t able to think of anything so good job in that regard.
As for the content, I felt it was an ok story. I’m not sure if it qualifies as a crack fic and it also doesn't seem as a great parody either, more like somewhere in the middle. Which isn’t a bad thing but these types of stories have their downsides. They are inherently easy to write but very hard to write well. Any story element that falls short or fails to hit a note with the reader can be chalked up to the inherit ridiculousness in the fic. So the bar for a really bad crack fic is pretty low. There are some good ones out there, but they tend to go to the extremes while this one plays in a relatively safe territory. While it has an element of parody, I’m not sure if that was something the author was striving for as it’s not something that is focused on. The impromptu musical element of the show is used but not in a way the pushes it to a logical extreme and seeks to disassemble it’s implications. The musical element seems to solely be used as a tool for comedic effect. The humor was also not something that really hit me.
As a reader, I’m biased when it comes to stories like this. I prefer coming out of them with something that I didn’t go in with. Whether that be a better understanding of something, a different view I hadn’t considered before or at least a hurting side from laughing too much at the ridiculousness of it all. Unfortunately I didn’t get any of those and as such I don’t think I can rank it as a top story. Well written, I just wish it had that something more.
Hocked on a Peeling
>>LoftyWithers, >>Baal Bunny, >>CoffeeMinion, >>thisisalongname
Congrats to the medalists, and thanks for the kind comments and the contested bronze!
At the beginning of this contest, I listened to the titular song again after a period of abstinence and envisioned a set of comic panels that would tell the joke that lies at the heart of this story. Once I realized I could fit it to the prompt, it came out like this instead. I regret nothing.
I haven’t ruled out trying to get it onto Fimfic somehow, but it may take some consideration.
>>LoftyWithers, >>Baal Bunny, >>CoffeeMinion, >>thisisalongname
Congrats to the medalists, and thanks for the kind comments and the contested bronze!
At the beginning of this contest, I listened to the titular song again after a period of abstinence and envisioned a set of comic panels that would tell the joke that lies at the heart of this story. Once I realized I could fit it to the prompt, it came out like this instead. I regret nothing.
I haven’t ruled out trying to get it onto Fimfic somehow, but it may take some consideration.
I don't actually know the song that everyone was obsessed with that well -- I can't hear it in my head -- so I suspect this fell a little flatter for me than for others, but it was still overall a funny story.
I found "the humans with no names" to be disconcerting considering that the humans have names, although a typo in the story made me realize just now that both names closely resemble Anon (I wouldn't have caught this if Annette wasn't referred to as Anonette in one line.) I knew what you were going for, so it was still amusing, but not as much as if they'd literally been introduced as Anon and Anonette.
I don't like the implication that Beepee died; death doesn't belong in a funny story unless it's a dark comedy to begin with, like the one on Fimfic where Twilight accidentally kills everyone in Ponyville and then has to hide it from Celestia.
However, overall this was a pretty funny story, mostly because of the ridiculousness of it and the fact that it's parodying a real and fairly stupid thing in MLP episodes. (I don't appreciate dramatic stories suddenly breaking into song. Unless it's the Buffy the Vampire Slayer musical episode.)
I found "the humans with no names" to be disconcerting considering that the humans have names, although a typo in the story made me realize just now that both names closely resemble Anon (I wouldn't have caught this if Annette wasn't referred to as Anonette in one line.) I knew what you were going for, so it was still amusing, but not as much as if they'd literally been introduced as Anon and Anonette.
I don't like the implication that Beepee died; death doesn't belong in a funny story unless it's a dark comedy to begin with, like the one on Fimfic where Twilight accidentally kills everyone in Ponyville and then has to hide it from Celestia.
However, overall this was a pretty funny story, mostly because of the ridiculousness of it and the fact that it's parodying a real and fairly stupid thing in MLP episodes. (I don't appreciate dramatic stories suddenly breaking into song. Unless it's the Buffy the Vampire Slayer musical episode.)