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R-Rated Original
Pic
2nd
75%
220
This new reviewer is a wanker. Comes in here, pisses in our pool, and didn't even submit a fic? Lame. His one redeeming feature is his handsome appearance. This Señor Alta Cruz is quite the hottie. Rawr.
Undercover for Love
Facing the Soccer
Forever Modern
Impermanent Territory Vacation
"Push, Lyra," said Bon Bon, holding her hoof.
Lyra screamed, arching her back before relaxing back into the bed and snarling at Bon Bon. "WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M DOING?"
Nurse Redheart gaze met Lyra's. "We're almost there. I can see the head. One more push. Get ready."
Lyra nodded, panting. Her grip tightened around Lyra and she screamed.
"Here it comes! It's--Oh my deer lord! It's--It's a monster. And another! Quick, call--"
Lyra's magic seized Nurse Redheart. "Those aren't monsters! They're my puppies."
Facing the Soccer
The uniformed buffalo spread before Rocky Road, and he turned to his little players. "Alright, team. They're bigger than us, but we've got a secret weapon--Thoren." They all turned to Thoren, who just shook his head.
"Sorry, captain. I've got to sit this one out. "
"But you play for Equestria!"
Thoren struck a pose. "I play for freedom."
Forever Modern
"Have a look," said Klondike. "Best view you've ever seen."
"Non." Fleur turned, walking off into the Tundra.
Impermanent Territory Vacation
Daring Do spun, facing Twilight, who flinched. "Stop. Just stop. Do you want to know how much I care?"
Twilight glanced at Dash, who just rolled her eyes. "I... how much do you care?"
"Open my saddlebag and take out the gem you find there."
Twilight did as instructed, and the gem lit with a scintillating aura, capturing her attention. "It's beautiful." She looked at Daring.
"Is this in appreciation for finding the typo? I had a professor once who paid students who found errors in his textbook. Doctor Gnuth."
Daring Do shook her head, rolling her eyes and smirking. "Not exactly. It's to prove a point. You see, that gem shows the emotion inside you. I can tell that you're very excited about typography and finding errors. Now hoof it back, and you'll see how much I care about that typo you found."
Twilight passed the gem back, and the colors winked out as soon as she did, leaving a dull, lifeless gem. Her hoof shot to her mouth. "Oh my gosh, I broke it!"
Rainbow snickered.
"No," said Daring Do, returning it to her bag. "It's working just fine." She turned to leave.
"Wait! What does that mean?"
Daring paused. "You're a smart mare, Twilight Sparkle. I'm sure you can figure it out." With a leap, she took to the air, leaving Twilight behind with her embarrassment.
"Hey!" said Rainbow, turning to me. "You don't need to rub it in like that."
"Oops. Did I say that out loud? Sorry Twilight."
"It's okay, Pinkie." Twilight and Rainbow shared a glance.
"Uhhhh, Pinkie?"
"Yes, Dashie?"
"Weren't you supposed to be on vacation with Cheese Sandwich?"
I gasped! "Oh my gosh, I totally forgot. He's probably looking for me!"
>>CoffeeMinion
PG Is a Wanting
Nihil is of the Good,
But Nihil Have The Rot.
Dancing Upon the Bedroom Bug--
Veil Off, Never On--
Gobble Time of Nearly Flesh.
Gobble Twilight, almost Empty.
Gobble Hornwyrm, Hatred Deep.
Monster Edge, Pushing Fire.
Eyes in Cans Wound Just Beyond.
Lost the Law Most Wonderful.
'Tis the Time to Boundaries.
End the Year, The 13 dead.
It’s the Twilight of the Luster--
A Never not quite Keep the end.
PG Is a Wanting
Nihil is of the Good,
But Nihil Have The Rot.
Dancing Upon the Bedroom Bug--
Veil Off, Never On--
Gobble Time of Nearly Flesh.
Gobble Twilight, almost Empty.
Gobble Hornwyrm, Hatred Deep.
Monster Edge, Pushing Fire.
Eyes in Cans Wound Just Beyond.
Lost the Law Most Wonderful.
'Tis the Time to Boundaries.
End the Year, The 13 dead.
It’s the Twilight of the Luster--
A Never not quite Keep the end.
This poem describes this photograph of a boy surrendering outside a bunker during the Warsaw Ghetto Uprising.
You got me. I didn't see it coming. In that regard, you succeeded.
You started losing me in a few places, but it was a close thing. Possibly an indication you should trim words a bit. If so, it didn't need much. 10% off probably would have seen me through all the spots I wanted to start skimming. Some other kind of tweaks might work too.
My first reaction—around the ice analogy—is that it needed to be a bit hammier. Before long—possibly by the next paragraph, but certainly somewhere in Discord's dialogue—I was satisfied with the hamminess.
Mission accomplished, space cowboy.
You started losing me in a few places, but it was a close thing. Possibly an indication you should trim words a bit. If so, it didn't need much. 10% off probably would have seen me through all the spots I wanted to start skimming. Some other kind of tweaks might work too.
My first reaction—around the ice analogy—is that it needed to be a bit hammier. Before long—possibly by the next paragraph, but certainly somewhere in Discord's dialogue—I was satisfied with the hamminess.
Mission accomplished, space cowboy.
The prose in this story is about perfect. Good paragraph lengths, tags in all the places I need them, good mix of narration and dialogue for the scene.
The narrative is good. A corporal takes a few minutes to find out what's bothering one of her privates during some down time. No solutions. No action. Just some talking. New to her role (right?), Scorpia doesn't seem to know how to handle this situation. She's trying to help, but all she can do is say a few words. Did she say the right ones? Who knows. We don't get to see part the scene. She seems to retreat pretty quickly as we reach the word count, but I can chalk this up to inexperience. I expect this conversation would continue later as Scorpia grows into her role and become part of her character arc instead of just the mood piece we have here.
Overall, this is a great entry. Thanks, author.
The narrative is good. A corporal takes a few minutes to find out what's bothering one of her privates during some down time. No solutions. No action. Just some talking. New to her role (right?), Scorpia doesn't seem to know how to handle this situation. She's trying to help, but all she can do is say a few words. Did she say the right ones? Who knows. We don't get to see part the scene. She seems to retreat pretty quickly as we reach the word count, but I can chalk this up to inexperience. I expect this conversation would continue later as Scorpia grows into her role and become part of her character arc instead of just the mood piece we have here.
Overall, this is a great entry. Thanks, author.