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Senescence
Celestia couldn’t believe what she saw in her mirror. A tiny dab of gray floated adrift in the sea of her prismatic mane, like an ink blot spilled from an errant quill. She trembled as she lifted her hoof to touch it, to confirm it was real, and that she wasn’t simply hallucinating.
Her chest tightened. Instead of parting like flowing water, the gray spot stopped her hoof, as if it were a lump lodged in her mane. Its surprisingly hard texture caused her to recoil. She took a deep breath, and extended her hoof a second time.
The dab, or lump, or whatever it was—it was real. Celestia lightly prodded it with her magic, attempting to restore the spot to its former luster, with no effect. She cast a second spell, stronger this time, but again to no avail. Magic couldn’t help.
It’s too soon.
Celestia caught herself frowning in the mirror and carefully adjusted her expression back to warm mentor persona. She stood there, in front of the mirror, silently considering her options, before striding over to her dresser and retrieving a hair tie.
They can’t see you like this. Not yet.
Celestia had never been fond of hair ties, so much so that she hadn’t touched one in over a hundred years. She preferred to let her mane flow freely. But desperate times called for desperate measures. She clumsily attempted to wrangle her hair into a regal bun that would hide the spot.
She couldn’t help but quietly chuckle at the visage staring her back in the mirror. Her lack of stylistic experience was obvious by the slipshod rounding of the bun, filled with bumps and stray hair follicles. This would not do.
Celestia needed help. From someone she could trust.
When Luna saw her, haphazardly constructed bun and all, she broke out laughing. Long, almost donkey-like guffaws.
“Sister! Be serious.” Celestia’s cheeks burned red.
Luna wiped a tear from her eye. “Sorry, dear sister… It’s just…” She struggled to hold back the giggles. “This reminds me of when we were young, and you’d steal mom’s makeup, and you’d end up looking like a racoon. You never did have an eye for style.”
Celestia gritted her teeth, cringing at that particular memory. She inhaled.
“Luna.” She fondled her mane uncomfortably. “I’m sorry.”
The somberness of Celestia’s tone shocked her sister into silence.
“For what, sister?”
“I-I’m…” Celestia stumbled finding the words. “I’m dying.”
“What?” Luna’s eyes widened. “Are you sick? Did someone curse you? What happened?”
“No, no.” Celestia chuckled wryly. “Nothing so dramatic. But I’m no longer immortal. I haven’t been for a while now, actually. Not since…”
Luna put two and two together. “Twilight. She has your power now.”
“Yes.” Celestia smiled. “I’m sorry.”
Luna grabbed her sister by the shoulders. “No! I have just returned, and now you plan to leave me?”
“We were never meant to rule forever, dear sister. My kingdom is a beautiful garden I have tended lovingly for generations, waiting, for a new caretaker to sow new seeds. To preserve what I built, yet add new life. I could never have a child, but Twilight is my daughter.”
“But…” Luna loosened her grip. “I understand.”
“But she and Equestria can’t know. Not yet. She would blame herself. Or worse, they would blame her. Help me hide this spot.”
Luna shook her head.
“Sister, you trust Twilight, right? Enough to give up your eternal life and entrust your kingdom to her?”
“Absolutely.”
“Yet you won’t tell her the truth about what you’ve done?”
“Not yet. It’s too soon.”
Luna groaned.
“Your hypocrisy astounds me. How can you lie to the mare you’re planning on trusting your life’s work to?” She slapped Celestia firmly across the face.
The slap left a red mark across Celestia’s pristine alabaster face.
“Luna…”
“No! Your weakness disgusts me. I will not assist you. Prove to me that mare, that student you had so much faith in, is worth your death. If she is as capable as you say, she will take this news in stride! Prove to me…” Luna began to break down. “Prove to me that that mare is worth losing my sister.”
Celestia brought her sister into a tight embrace. She felt her own tears running down her cheeks.
“Okay.”
She let her hair flow loose, letting the gray spot stand in full display.
Perhaps it wasn’t too soon. Perhaps the time was just right.
Her chest tightened. Instead of parting like flowing water, the gray spot stopped her hoof, as if it were a lump lodged in her mane. Its surprisingly hard texture caused her to recoil. She took a deep breath, and extended her hoof a second time.
The dab, or lump, or whatever it was—it was real. Celestia lightly prodded it with her magic, attempting to restore the spot to its former luster, with no effect. She cast a second spell, stronger this time, but again to no avail. Magic couldn’t help.
It’s too soon.
Celestia caught herself frowning in the mirror and carefully adjusted her expression back to warm mentor persona. She stood there, in front of the mirror, silently considering her options, before striding over to her dresser and retrieving a hair tie.
They can’t see you like this. Not yet.
Celestia had never been fond of hair ties, so much so that she hadn’t touched one in over a hundred years. She preferred to let her mane flow freely. But desperate times called for desperate measures. She clumsily attempted to wrangle her hair into a regal bun that would hide the spot.
She couldn’t help but quietly chuckle at the visage staring her back in the mirror. Her lack of stylistic experience was obvious by the slipshod rounding of the bun, filled with bumps and stray hair follicles. This would not do.
Celestia needed help. From someone she could trust.
When Luna saw her, haphazardly constructed bun and all, she broke out laughing. Long, almost donkey-like guffaws.
“Sister! Be serious.” Celestia’s cheeks burned red.
Luna wiped a tear from her eye. “Sorry, dear sister… It’s just…” She struggled to hold back the giggles. “This reminds me of when we were young, and you’d steal mom’s makeup, and you’d end up looking like a racoon. You never did have an eye for style.”
Celestia gritted her teeth, cringing at that particular memory. She inhaled.
“Luna.” She fondled her mane uncomfortably. “I’m sorry.”
The somberness of Celestia’s tone shocked her sister into silence.
“For what, sister?”
“I-I’m…” Celestia stumbled finding the words. “I’m dying.”
“What?” Luna’s eyes widened. “Are you sick? Did someone curse you? What happened?”
“No, no.” Celestia chuckled wryly. “Nothing so dramatic. But I’m no longer immortal. I haven’t been for a while now, actually. Not since…”
Luna put two and two together. “Twilight. She has your power now.”
“Yes.” Celestia smiled. “I’m sorry.”
Luna grabbed her sister by the shoulders. “No! I have just returned, and now you plan to leave me?”
“We were never meant to rule forever, dear sister. My kingdom is a beautiful garden I have tended lovingly for generations, waiting, for a new caretaker to sow new seeds. To preserve what I built, yet add new life. I could never have a child, but Twilight is my daughter.”
“But…” Luna loosened her grip. “I understand.”
“But she and Equestria can’t know. Not yet. She would blame herself. Or worse, they would blame her. Help me hide this spot.”
Luna shook her head.
“Sister, you trust Twilight, right? Enough to give up your eternal life and entrust your kingdom to her?”
“Absolutely.”
“Yet you won’t tell her the truth about what you’ve done?”
“Not yet. It’s too soon.”
Luna groaned.
“Your hypocrisy astounds me. How can you lie to the mare you’re planning on trusting your life’s work to?” She slapped Celestia firmly across the face.
The slap left a red mark across Celestia’s pristine alabaster face.
“Luna…”
“No! Your weakness disgusts me. I will not assist you. Prove to me that mare, that student you had so much faith in, is worth your death. If she is as capable as you say, she will take this news in stride! Prove to me…” Luna began to break down. “Prove to me that that mare is worth losing my sister.”
Celestia brought her sister into a tight embrace. She felt her own tears running down her cheeks.
“Okay.”
She let her hair flow loose, letting the gray spot stand in full display.
Perhaps it wasn’t too soon. Perhaps the time was just right.
I was actually mildly surprised by the direction this story took. I had considered it briefly after the first few paragraphs but I, for whatever reason, thought this would go into a lighthearted comedy territory. I was wrong.
The writing is really solid, and although there are some minor formatting issues overall the pacing of the story alongside the conflict was pretty much as good as you were going to get with the minific limitations. Once again, this is another story I'd love to see properly expanded; however, this might benefit from only a slight bit more writing, not a ton. The brevity of this story adds to the emotional impact and just pushing it to 1000 words or a little more might be all that's needed to be done to make this story truly shine. A little more meat, a little more context, a tiny bit more dialogue, and I can see this being an impeccable one-shot emotional gutpuncher.
The writing is really solid, and although there are some minor formatting issues overall the pacing of the story alongside the conflict was pretty much as good as you were going to get with the minific limitations. Once again, this is another story I'd love to see properly expanded; however, this might benefit from only a slight bit more writing, not a ton. The brevity of this story adds to the emotional impact and just pushing it to 1000 words or a little more might be all that's needed to be done to make this story truly shine. A little more meat, a little more context, a tiny bit more dialogue, and I can see this being an impeccable one-shot emotional gutpuncher.
I like your opening, and I like the idea of the piece, what with Celestia's biggest symptom being that she now has regular hair.
I'm not buying the emotional arc here. The moment of greatest tension in the story is Luna slapping Celestia, and yet there's nothing building up to it. The tone is calm, calm, calm, then JUMPS WITHOUT WARNING then goes calm again. And Luna's action right before slapping Celestia—groaning—doesn't say anger to me as much as it does annoyance.
This feels like the beginning of a story, setting up a situation where Celestia has to prove Twilight's worth. That might be cool.
I'm not buying the emotional arc here. The moment of greatest tension in the story is Luna slapping Celestia, and yet there's nothing building up to it. The tone is calm, calm, calm, then JUMPS WITHOUT WARNING then goes calm again. And Luna's action right before slapping Celestia—groaning—doesn't say anger to me as much as it does annoyance.
This feels like the beginning of a story, setting up a situation where Celestia has to prove Twilight's worth. That might be cool.
As the others say, the tonal shift somewhat hampers the story's impact. I like the concept and can chalk up most of the issues with running out of word space, but it might have been better to chop off the opening scene and cut to Celestia revealing her secret to Luna. The description for Luna's laugh got a chuckle out of me, though.
I was really hooked by that opening. But the sudden jumps in mood were not so great. Not only did we go from lighthearted to Celestia is dying, but then we got "Twilight is the daughter" and, finally, calmness again.
In other words, it needs more in the middle to flush out those transitions.
Tier: Keep Developing.
In other words, it needs more in the middle to flush out those transitions.
Tier: Keep Developing.
I expected this to be Celestia whining because she got a grey streak and, oh my Goddes, I'm getting old! Which would have been stupid, but perhaps amusing.
Now, I like the 'idea' behind this story. but like so many of the others, I think the introduction could have been tweaked a bit to properly prepare us for what is coming. More importantly, I feel as though the dialogue could use a lot of work. Everything just... happens, and it feels like it's developing far too quickly. Perhaps a shift in setting – or, more to the point, the addition of any setting at all – with the second half would also be appropriate. The first part gives us the illusion of an amusing atmosphere, and the second part makes no effort to change that.
Now, I like the 'idea' behind this story. but like so many of the others, I think the introduction could have been tweaked a bit to properly prepare us for what is coming. More importantly, I feel as though the dialogue could use a lot of work. Everything just... happens, and it feels like it's developing far too quickly. Perhaps a shift in setting – or, more to the point, the addition of any setting at all – with the second half would also be appropriate. The first part gives us the illusion of an amusing atmosphere, and the second part makes no effort to change that.
I was honestly expecting a punchline the whole way through.
Expectations are important. This is not to say that you can't do impactful things with misleading lead-ins or that you should always just lay it all out at the beginning, but it is important to know that the only thing the reader has to go on is what you give them, and changing tacts abruptly risks losing the audience. And here I don't think the gain is worthwhile. Celestia is obviously concerned, and it turns out that that concern is SRS. Faking us out on that really adds nothing to the reader experience, because it isn't actually "new" information, as it were.
>>Ion-Sturm got it more or less. Cut to the action on this and focus on the emotional arcing and payoffs.
Expectations are important. This is not to say that you can't do impactful things with misleading lead-ins or that you should always just lay it all out at the beginning, but it is important to know that the only thing the reader has to go on is what you give them, and changing tacts abruptly risks losing the audience. And here I don't think the gain is worthwhile. Celestia is obviously concerned, and it turns out that that concern is SRS. Faking us out on that really adds nothing to the reader experience, because it isn't actually "new" information, as it were.
>>Ion-Sturm got it more or less. Cut to the action on this and focus on the emotional arcing and payoffs.