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Cat-tastrophe
Dear Rarity,
I am truly sorry about what happened to Opalescence. This is my fault and I take full financial responsibility. Please send me her veterinary bill, as well as the bills for any other expenses incurred by the damage inflicted, and they will, of course, promptly be paid in full.
More importantly, I accept the full moral and ethical culpability for my actions. It was wrong of me to borrow your cat without your permission for any reason, much less for an experiment that I should have known presented intrinsic hazards. Please believe me, I understand that there is no excuse for this kind of behavior, and I know how angry you must be. Opalescence, like any beloved pet, is a part of your family, and I’m so, so sorry that I failed to consider your love and well-founded concern for her.
As to an explanation, I can only humbly ask that you try to see the significance of what I believed could be accomplished. In the heat of the moment, I admit I was blinded by the irresistibly exciting promise of what I thought was such a clever idea. Pitting the inevitability of a cat always landing on her feet against the conflicting inevitability of buttered toast always landing butter-side down seemed so easy but simultaneously so profound! Perpetual motion! Unlimited energy! Surely you can see my position as a mare of science and as a pony responsible for pursuing the betterment of Equestria: how could I not perform this experiment?
Perhaps it worked only too well. Now, in the aftermath of all the cat vomit and the tornado of claws flying through the air like uncontrollable deadly razors, I so deeply regret my shortsighted ethical lapses. For my part, at the very least, the sting of rubbing alcohol and the emptied box of band-aids in my wastebasket can attest to this. Believe me, after being ralphed and raked, I'm intensely aware of the error of my ways. I’m sure that your own tattered curtains and the dresses now in ribbons on your studio floor (which, I emphasize again, I will pay for in full) are a painful reminder to you as well, one that I wish more than anything I could undo.
In my own defense, I can only offer this: the benefits of virtually free, limitless power generation could transform almost every aspect of our technology and society. How could I not investigate something so incredible, so paradigm-changing? And, please, please understand here that while I am not trying to paint my poorly-considered actions as somehow justified or negate your well-founded anger, I do think that you should at the very least take comfort in the fact that Opal’s spectacular success shows that there is in fact promise to the general concept. Your cat and the toast strapped to her back are pioneers, opening new doors to discovery and progress, and this is something you can be proud of. Science sometimes requires a brave necessary sacrifice, and I’m sure the negative effects should only be temporary. Her drunken staggering has already largely corrected itself, if I’m informed correctly, and I’m nearly certain that her eyes will uncross on their own in time.
I can only hope fervently that our friendship will emerge from this incident in better shape than Sweetie Belle’s mane did, or at the least, that it will similarly be able to grow back eventually. I understand that for now, much of it may have been shredded beyond recognition by my foolish act of unauthorized kitty engineering and the resultant disaster of dizzy feline berserking, and perhaps you will not want to speak to me for a while. If so, I won’t press the issue and will trouble you no more after this letter. I will wait for you to reach out to me, if and when you’re ready to. I hope you can find it in your heart to do this someday, so that I may apologize in person. Until then, the guilt I feel about so much of poor Opal’s fur having to be shaved off to get all the bread and congealed butter out will be its own punishment, I assure you.
With deepest regret,
Twilight Sparkle
I am truly sorry about what happened to Opalescence. This is my fault and I take full financial responsibility. Please send me her veterinary bill, as well as the bills for any other expenses incurred by the damage inflicted, and they will, of course, promptly be paid in full.
More importantly, I accept the full moral and ethical culpability for my actions. It was wrong of me to borrow your cat without your permission for any reason, much less for an experiment that I should have known presented intrinsic hazards. Please believe me, I understand that there is no excuse for this kind of behavior, and I know how angry you must be. Opalescence, like any beloved pet, is a part of your family, and I’m so, so sorry that I failed to consider your love and well-founded concern for her.
As to an explanation, I can only humbly ask that you try to see the significance of what I believed could be accomplished. In the heat of the moment, I admit I was blinded by the irresistibly exciting promise of what I thought was such a clever idea. Pitting the inevitability of a cat always landing on her feet against the conflicting inevitability of buttered toast always landing butter-side down seemed so easy but simultaneously so profound! Perpetual motion! Unlimited energy! Surely you can see my position as a mare of science and as a pony responsible for pursuing the betterment of Equestria: how could I not perform this experiment?
Perhaps it worked only too well. Now, in the aftermath of all the cat vomit and the tornado of claws flying through the air like uncontrollable deadly razors, I so deeply regret my shortsighted ethical lapses. For my part, at the very least, the sting of rubbing alcohol and the emptied box of band-aids in my wastebasket can attest to this. Believe me, after being ralphed and raked, I'm intensely aware of the error of my ways. I’m sure that your own tattered curtains and the dresses now in ribbons on your studio floor (which, I emphasize again, I will pay for in full) are a painful reminder to you as well, one that I wish more than anything I could undo.
In my own defense, I can only offer this: the benefits of virtually free, limitless power generation could transform almost every aspect of our technology and society. How could I not investigate something so incredible, so paradigm-changing? And, please, please understand here that while I am not trying to paint my poorly-considered actions as somehow justified or negate your well-founded anger, I do think that you should at the very least take comfort in the fact that Opal’s spectacular success shows that there is in fact promise to the general concept. Your cat and the toast strapped to her back are pioneers, opening new doors to discovery and progress, and this is something you can be proud of. Science sometimes requires a brave necessary sacrifice, and I’m sure the negative effects should only be temporary. Her drunken staggering has already largely corrected itself, if I’m informed correctly, and I’m nearly certain that her eyes will uncross on their own in time.
I can only hope fervently that our friendship will emerge from this incident in better shape than Sweetie Belle’s mane did, or at the least, that it will similarly be able to grow back eventually. I understand that for now, much of it may have been shredded beyond recognition by my foolish act of unauthorized kitty engineering and the resultant disaster of dizzy feline berserking, and perhaps you will not want to speak to me for a while. If so, I won’t press the issue and will trouble you no more after this letter. I will wait for you to reach out to me, if and when you’re ready to. I hope you can find it in your heart to do this someday, so that I may apologize in person. Until then, the guilt I feel about so much of poor Opal’s fur having to be shaved off to get all the bread and congealed butter out will be its own punishment, I assure you.
With deepest regret,
Twilight Sparkle
Not really with Regi on this one. The prose is strong, but the text is pretty boring, and choosing an epistolary form strengthen the telli-ness of it. While the idea is zany, the execution quenches the zaniness instead of making it shine. It’s padding, padding, padding around the core concept.
As a result, I found this really stodgy and hard to palate. Sorry.
As a result, I found this really stodgy and hard to palate. Sorry.
I wish "the scientist is an amoral utilitarian" was not a trope. Where are the scientists with strong backbone who would never think of committing such intrinsically immoral acts as cat borrowing and butterstrapping?
Cold in Gardez scolded us all on the discord most viciously, screaming and slapping everyone, saying that we should not just leave glowing praise on even a good story because then the author does not improve. therefore for each of my reviews I am going to jam the stick a few inches further up my butt and see if I can find any criticism to give
ok here i go
...the title is lame. step it up bby
hmm I really like the feeling of transition on the "I accept the full moral and ethical culpability" line. it is like a car shifting into gear, like you know you're about to go someplace. feels like a massage
no real jokey-jokes so it's hard to find a moment to actually laugh out loud despite how funny the story is overall
yes everything is solid, the story was fun to read and not a waste of time at all. that is the baseline standard so YOU WIN!!
CONGRATS!!
your award is: FASTEST SPINNING CAT AWARD
Cold in Gardez scolded us all on the discord most viciously, screaming and slapping everyone, saying that we should not just leave glowing praise on even a good story because then the author does not improve. therefore for each of my reviews I am going to jam the stick a few inches further up my butt and see if I can find any criticism to give
ok here i go
...the title is lame. step it up bby
hmm I really like the feeling of transition on the "I accept the full moral and ethical culpability" line. it is like a car shifting into gear, like you know you're about to go someplace. feels like a massage
no real jokey-jokes so it's hard to find a moment to actually laugh out loud despite how funny the story is overall
yes everything is solid, the story was fun to read and not a waste of time at all. that is the baseline standard so YOU WIN!!
CONGRATS!!
your award is: FASTEST SPINNING CAT AWARD
Twilight should have checked the existing research while in her theory phase before launching into an experiment where the base assumption was flawed. The 1996 Ig Nobel Prize was awarded to Robert Matthews of Aston University, England, for his studies of Murphy's Law, and especially for demonstrating that toast often falls *on* the buttered side.
*However* there were no follow-up experiments done to validate alternate hypothesis, such as "Does toast with butter AND JELLY always fall jam side down" or "Does the relative value of the floor covering under the experiment affect the results" so she still has a chance to validate her infinite energy generating experiment with just a little extra work to stabilize the parameters.
And a different cat.
*However* there were no follow-up experiments done to validate alternate hypothesis, such as "Does toast with butter AND JELLY always fall jam side down" or "Does the relative value of the floor covering under the experiment affect the results" so she still has a chance to validate her infinite energy generating experiment with just a little extra work to stabilize the parameters.
And a different cat.
To be frank, there seems to be barely any substance to this story. Apart from a rehash of the old, old "buttered cat" joke, it's just Twilight apologizing over and over and over and over. It feels like wordcount is wasted on the endless apologies, which are more dull than humorous to read; we get the idea after the first paragraph.
Now, in the aftermath of all the cat vomit and the tornado of claws flying through the air like uncontrollable deadly razors,
this is the best part. that entire paragraph is hilarious, made me laugh out loud.
I was hoping the rest would escalate it even futher to more absurd destructive consequences, but it was kind of a letdown. not even the part with Sweetie Belle is funny enough to save it. in my own sick sense of humor.
