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The Promise
Trixie took a deep breath and opened the door.
The small room was filled more with music than furniture. The old yellow mare in the bed squinted her eyes and took a few seconds to recognize the newcomer. Trixie herself had a hard time recognizing her own grandmother. Has she always been that old and scrawny? When was the last time that they had seen each other? Too many years, probably.
" Hello grandma. " said Trixie.
" Trixie? Oh, I'm so happy to see you! "
The young mare sat on a stool and looked around. She couldn't even find a spot where to hang her hat, so she just put it on the bed. A sense of emptyness filled the place, diminished only by the lovely song playing on the gramophone. She was so used to her clutter-filled wagon that she felt uneasy staying in that room.
Her grandmother slowly shifted on her flank and groaned trying to reach the bedside table where stood the gramophone. Trixie used her magic to stop the loud music.
" You've always been good with magic, " said the old earth pony, shifting back to a more comfortable position to talk.
" It's just basic levitation spell. " Trixie rolled eyes. "How are you? What happened? "
" Oh, it's nothing honey. "
" You fainted for no reason, I wouldn't call it nothing. " said Trixie.
" It's the cold it is. Wears you down all day, that's all. Doctor says I should make less efforts, and I'll be fine. "
That wasn't what the doctor told Trixie. It'll only be worse from now on. I suggest you spend more time with her , he said.
" Really, hon, you shouldn't have come. You have more important things to do than waste your precious time with your old boring grandmother. What if they need you in Canterlot?"
" It's fine. I'm sure they don't need me."
" What if there's an emergency? What if there is a monster attack? They can barely handle any problem without you."
" Grandma I, uhm... " Trixie sighed. " I put a defensive spell. " The old mare smiled. She seemed to caress her with her eyes.
" You've always been so brilliant, Trixie. I knew you would become great. Princess Celestia must be proud of you. One day you will learn how to raise the moon just as she does. It's your destiny, I know it."
" You mean the sun? Princess Luna raises the moon. "
" Who? "
" Princess Luna. You know who Princess Luna is, right? " she asked.
" Of course I do, silly. I know how many princesses there are. I just got confused that's all. " Somehow Trixie didn't feel reassured.
They both stood in awkward silent for a moment. She had to tell her. Tell the truth. Before she could find the courage to speak, grandma broke the silence.
" Tell me a story. One of your adventures. "
For maybe the first time in her life, Trixie felt uneasy about showing off.
" I've read all the letters you sent me. " said grandma. " I always look forward to reading them. Did you defeat any other dragon since that time in Las Pegasus? "
" Grandma I, uhm... I have to tell you something. " She couldn't bare to look at her. " I lied. I never did those things I wrote in the letters. "
" What do you mean? "
As she turned her head, Trixie saw the fear creeping on grandma's face. And suddenly the doctor's words filled her head. Who knows? It may take months, maybe years.
" Er... it wasn't a dragon. It was a manticore. "
" What's the difference? You should be proud, Trixie. You've kept your promise, do you remember? "
" Yes I do. I promised you I'd become a great and powerful unicorn someday. And here I am. The great and powerful Trixie."
The small room was filled more with music than furniture. The old yellow mare in the bed squinted her eyes and took a few seconds to recognize the newcomer. Trixie herself had a hard time recognizing her own grandmother. Has she always been that old and scrawny? When was the last time that they had seen each other? Too many years, probably.
" Hello grandma. " said Trixie.
" Trixie? Oh, I'm so happy to see you! "
The young mare sat on a stool and looked around. She couldn't even find a spot where to hang her hat, so she just put it on the bed. A sense of emptyness filled the place, diminished only by the lovely song playing on the gramophone. She was so used to her clutter-filled wagon that she felt uneasy staying in that room.
Her grandmother slowly shifted on her flank and groaned trying to reach the bedside table where stood the gramophone. Trixie used her magic to stop the loud music.
" You've always been good with magic, " said the old earth pony, shifting back to a more comfortable position to talk.
" It's just basic levitation spell. " Trixie rolled eyes. "How are you? What happened? "
" Oh, it's nothing honey. "
" You fainted for no reason, I wouldn't call it nothing. " said Trixie.
" It's the cold it is. Wears you down all day, that's all. Doctor says I should make less efforts, and I'll be fine. "
That wasn't what the doctor told Trixie. It'll only be worse from now on. I suggest you spend more time with her , he said.
" Really, hon, you shouldn't have come. You have more important things to do than waste your precious time with your old boring grandmother. What if they need you in Canterlot?"
" It's fine. I'm sure they don't need me."
" What if there's an emergency? What if there is a monster attack? They can barely handle any problem without you."
" Grandma I, uhm... " Trixie sighed. " I put a defensive spell. " The old mare smiled. She seemed to caress her with her eyes.
" You've always been so brilliant, Trixie. I knew you would become great. Princess Celestia must be proud of you. One day you will learn how to raise the moon just as she does. It's your destiny, I know it."
" You mean the sun? Princess Luna raises the moon. "
" Who? "
" Princess Luna. You know who Princess Luna is, right? " she asked.
" Of course I do, silly. I know how many princesses there are. I just got confused that's all. " Somehow Trixie didn't feel reassured.
They both stood in awkward silent for a moment. She had to tell her. Tell the truth. Before she could find the courage to speak, grandma broke the silence.
" Tell me a story. One of your adventures. "
For maybe the first time in her life, Trixie felt uneasy about showing off.
" I've read all the letters you sent me. " said grandma. " I always look forward to reading them. Did you defeat any other dragon since that time in Las Pegasus? "
" Grandma I, uhm... I have to tell you something. " She couldn't bare to look at her. " I lied. I never did those things I wrote in the letters. "
" What do you mean? "
As she turned her head, Trixie saw the fear creeping on grandma's face. And suddenly the doctor's words filled her head. Who knows? It may take months, maybe years.
" Er... it wasn't a dragon. It was a manticore. "
" What's the difference? You should be proud, Trixie. You've kept your promise, do you remember? "
" Yes I do. I promised you I'd become a great and powerful unicorn someday. And here I am. The great and powerful Trixie."
Oh wow
Oh jeez man
Oh wow oh jeez
Aside from some minor spelling and grammar issues (for example, “silent” instead of “silence”) that was great. Hit me incredibly hard.
Oh jeez man
Oh wow oh jeez
Aside from some minor spelling and grammar issues (for example, “silent” instead of “silence”) that was great. Hit me incredibly hard.
I'm afraid I don't share the sentiment of the previous commenter. I'm not a particularly emotional person and, while I like the idea behind the story, it didn't have the punch to break through to me.
This was in part due to the numerous punctuation misteps and your strange insistence on spacing between dialogue and quotation marks (which you weren't entirely consistent with, either). Admittedly, the problem was exacerbated by the fact that I'm reading on mobile so it messed with the formatting much more than it would on a computer. Overall, solid idea, but it lacks the weight and polish to really stand out for me.
This was in part due to the numerous punctuation misteps and your strange insistence on spacing between dialogue and quotation marks (which you weren't entirely consistent with, either). Admittedly, the problem was exacerbated by the fact that I'm reading on mobile so it messed with the formatting much more than it would on a computer. Overall, solid idea, but it lacks the weight and polish to really stand out for me.
Count me among the ones not totally enamoured by this story. I really like the idea—that all of Trixie's lies have come back to haunt her, now in a much more personal way—but the only time I felt any lasting emotion (tension and anxiety, in this case) were the two lines when it seemed like Trixie was about to confess. Other than that, it's just there. Good, but nothing that blows me away.
Put me in the bag of those who enjoyed this. The emotions were there, maybe a bit obvious, but I have a fondness for subtlety, and I understand that, in minifics, it's a luxury.
My suggestion would be to have some callbacks to what Trixie has actually done for Equestria, like helping defeating Queen Chrysalis (if your story happens currently with the show).
My suggestion would be to have some callbacks to what Trixie has actually done for Equestria, like helping defeating Queen Chrysalis (if your story happens currently with the show).
See >>regidar & >>Ion-Sturm re: cleaning up a bit. This definitely needs an editorial pass to regularize it a bit (remove odd quotation mark spaces, fix some minor spelling errors, etc).
Anyhow, I think the biggest issue is that it buries the emotional lead really deep. There's nothing wrong with a mixed conflict like this (worried about loss leading to wanting to confess the truth), but you bury it so far down that it is raised and gone in a flash. It is even handled sort of dismissively with the implication that this is the first time it really bothers Trixie, which I think takes away from it a little bit. Having always had an uneasy relationship with falsehood and her grandmother would let the tension build and add a little more impact to her decision to not confess.
Anyhow, I think the biggest issue is that it buries the emotional lead really deep. There's nothing wrong with a mixed conflict like this (worried about loss leading to wanting to confess the truth), but you bury it so far down that it is raised and gone in a flash. It is even handled sort of dismissively with the implication that this is the first time it really bothers Trixie, which I think takes away from it a little bit. Having always had an uneasy relationship with falsehood and her grandmother would let the tension build and add a little more impact to her decision to not confess.
Oh, heck. The feels.
There are two things I can think of to change; 1) add a bit more to Trixie's character, and 2) clean it up a bit. Other than that, this is good.
Tier: Pretty good.
There are two things I can think of to change; 1) add a bit more to Trixie's character, and 2) clean it up a bit. Other than that, this is good.
Tier: Pretty good.
The dialogue here felt kinda stilted to me. Not sure exactly why, but yeah. There's a few oddly placed spaces in here, like quotation marks standing off on their own. Also, Trixie drops her trademark third person, which might make sense if that's how she normally talks to her grandma, but it had me wondering.
The emotional arc here is pretty nice, but I wish there was a bit more emphasis on what her grandma actually meant to Trixie. She clearly means a lot, or she wouldn't be here, and that promise at the end suggests some backstory between them, but I wish it was a bit clearer; it might make Trixie's conflict - to keep up a facade or to be genuine - come across more clearly, because I'd like a better idea of what the emotional stakes are, I think.
The emotional arc here is pretty nice, but I wish there was a bit more emphasis on what her grandma actually meant to Trixie. She clearly means a lot, or she wouldn't be here, and that promise at the end suggests some backstory between them, but I wish it was a bit clearer; it might make Trixie's conflict - to keep up a facade or to be genuine - come across more clearly, because I'd like a better idea of what the emotional stakes are, I think.
>>regidar
>>Ion-Sturm
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>Fenton
>>AndrewRogue
>>Not_A_Hat
>>MLPmatthewl419
This is my second entry in the Writeoff. My first was a FIM short story which was probably too ambitious and suffered from it, so I wanted to make a simpler, slice of life story, and the minific round was the right place for it.
I agree that I have to put more effort on cleaning and correcting spelling errors. That's definitely something I have to improve. For the next time maybe I will have to ask some help first to check all the mistakes.
I realize also that the tension is poorly managed. Everything is resolved in just two lines. I should take the suggestions from >>AndrewRogue and >>Not_A_Hat and describe more Trixie's relationship with her grandmother, so that the stakes are clear from the beginning and the inner conflict is built more progressively.
Originally, the story should have ended on a more positive note. The idea was to have a scene where Trixie meets Starlight, who tries to comfort her. In this dialogue Trixie would have used the third person which would contrast to how she speaks with her grandmother. But since this scene didn't fit in the word count, the use of first person feels off-character.
As Fenton pointed out, there should have been a mention of defeating Chrysalis. Since I didn't put the scene with Starlight, there is no reference to the show's timeline, so it can simply be set before season 6.
Anyway, thank you very much for reading and commenting. It's always nice to have feedback.
>>regidar
>>MLPmatthewl419
Glad you enjoyed it! :)
>>Ion-Sturm
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>Fenton
>>AndrewRogue
>>Not_A_Hat
>>MLPmatthewl419
This is my second entry in the Writeoff. My first was a FIM short story which was probably too ambitious and suffered from it, so I wanted to make a simpler, slice of life story, and the minific round was the right place for it.
I agree that I have to put more effort on cleaning and correcting spelling errors. That's definitely something I have to improve. For the next time maybe I will have to ask some help first to check all the mistakes.
I realize also that the tension is poorly managed. Everything is resolved in just two lines. I should take the suggestions from >>AndrewRogue and >>Not_A_Hat and describe more Trixie's relationship with her grandmother, so that the stakes are clear from the beginning and the inner conflict is built more progressively.
Originally, the story should have ended on a more positive note. The idea was to have a scene where Trixie meets Starlight, who tries to comfort her. In this dialogue Trixie would have used the third person which would contrast to how she speaks with her grandmother. But since this scene didn't fit in the word count, the use of first person feels off-character.
As Fenton pointed out, there should have been a mention of defeating Chrysalis. Since I didn't put the scene with Starlight, there is no reference to the show's timeline, so it can simply be set before season 6.
Anyway, thank you very much for reading and commenting. It's always nice to have feedback.
>>regidar
>>MLPmatthewl419
Glad you enjoyed it! :)
>>moonwhisper
No problem, I really empathize with Trixie here. A lot of it was uncomfortably close to my life and it stuck out because of that.
No problem, I really empathize with Trixie here. A lot of it was uncomfortably close to my life and it stuck out because of that.