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72 hours
Eight , counted Celestia, glancing around. She got them all. They were all safe.
“ Everypony’s ok? “ she asked. The others nodded and mumbled in return. They were staring at the dramatic sight before them.
The already-torn balloon of the airship tangled itself in the top of a mountain crest. The gondola crashed against the grey cliff with a loud crack that could still be heard despite the strong wind. Several wooden fins and other debris fell and scattered on the steep, rocky side. Celestia and Luna looked at each other, both realizing how their teleportation spells saved everypony at the very last second.
“ Mah poor baby… “ muttered Windblow. Captain Windblow and the two crew ponies were the most troubled by the fate of their beloved airship.
“ What do we do? “ shouted Snake Charm in the wind. Celestia turned around: only mountains, everywhere. Snow, rocks deep gorges. The others looked at her, waiting for leadership. Some crouched or lowered their heads, trying to protect themselves from the wind and cold as best as they could. Manes and tails flapped furiously. The Princess could feel the weight of the responsibility for their lives. All of them: Captain Windblow and the pegasi siblings Amber Compass and Golden Spyglass; Raven, her personal secretary; Bronzehorn and Dutyhoof, the royal guards; Snake Charm, the Equestrian ambassador in Neighpal; Luna and herself. It wasn’t the first time though. She was used to such weight. She knew what to do.
“ Let’s go to the wreckage. Our priority is to send a message. Then… it may take a while before any rescuer find us. We need to salvage all we can from the airship. “
Getting to the wreckage took more time than expected. Most of the way was covered in ankle-deep snow. When they were not slowed by snow, they had to go through steep and slippery passages. Those who could fly soon realized that the strong wind would quickly sap their energy. It was safer to proceed on hooves than getting exhausted. As for teleportation spells, the wreckage was too far to get there directly, but they proved useful for crossing huge gaps.
Once they reached the crashing site, the group split and began searching among the scattered debris. The pegasi focused on some parts hanging on the almost vertical cliff, and on the waving purple shreds of the airship’s balloon. They took a few drapes and brought them down, meaning to use them as blankets against the cold. Celestia and Raven inspected what was left of the stern deck. They were able to retrieve a few objects that could prove useful for survival, but the Princess was looking for something in particular: ink and parchment. They managed to find a couple of torn parchments. As for ink, Celestia frowned as she floated with her magic the broken glass pot in front of her. There was still a bit left, gathered in a corner. She could send a message to Twilight.
“ Raven, find anything you can use as a quill. There’s not much ink left, so we’ll have to be short and concise. And write as small as you can. “
As soon as Raven had finished writing, Celestia’s horn glowed and the piece of parchment disappeared in a burst of green fire. Now we wait, she thought. But how long?
The rest of the group came back. Dutyhoof wore saddlebags, still soiled with dirt and snow. The other guard opened them with magic, and a few apples floated in the air.
“ This is all we could find, Princess. I’m afraid the content of the hold has fallen in a deep crevice. “ said Bronzehorn.
“ We will have to make rations then. “ replied Celestia. Snake Charm gasped. No need to look at her face, covered by her green flapping mane, to understand how shocked she was.
“ What? There isn’t even one apple for each of us! Even rationing it won’t last more than one day. “ she said, pointing to the floating fruits.
“ We should search for food. There must be some patches of grass nearby. “ said Luna. Captain Windblow scoffed.
“ Well, ah don’t see any. There’s not even one thread o’ grass in this forsaken land. Heck, ah wonder why it’s called Haymalaya if there’s no hay anywhere. “
“ There’s more vegetation down in the valleys.” said the ambassador.
Princess Celestia was about to reply but was interrupted by a sudden blast of howling wind, stronger than usual. The mountains themselves were screaming their fury. Everypony covered himself and tried to avoid getting the flying snow in the eyes. When the weather calmed down a bit, they heard a loud noise coming from above them. Wrecked remains of the airship that previously stood in precarious balance were now falling. As they smashed on the cliff, small patches of snow were tipped over the edge and pushed down. Then even more snow started to roll. Horror struck everypony when they realized what was about to happen.
“ EVERYPONY WITH ME! “ shouted Celestia.” Luna! Crest on the right! “ Her sister nodded. The mountain rumbled. Ponies ran towards the Princesses. The cliff that loomed above them disappeared in a raging cloud of white that approached with incredible speed. Horns glowed. Magic flashed yellow and blue.
They stood at the entrance of the cave in silence. The sun was setting, and they needed a place to rest for the night. Somewhere sheltered from the ever constant air blow.
“ Ambassador, do you have knowledge of any creatures that may dwell in these mountains? “ asked Luna.
“ Nopony’s ventured in the Haymalayas for centuries, Princess. “
They didn’t have much choice. They stepped inside. The unicorn guard shed some light with his magic and unscathed a short sword. Before entering, the alicorn sisters looked back over their shoulders, and gazed at the orange sky. Even there, lost in a faraway land, striving for survival, they kept their daily routine. One pulled down the sun, and the other brought up the moon in the night sky. It felt weird. Performing their duty as if nothing had changed, as if they were still home. But they weren’t.
Hoofsteps echoed inside the caverns. The howling was now only a fainted sound behind them. But there was something else. Another sound in the distance. Luna hushed the others to stay quiet and straighten her ears. Gargling. There was a river or a pool nearby, inside the caverns. That was good news. They proceeded further in the dark, until the entrance was only a small spot of light.
“ Amber, are you ok? “ asked Golden Spyglass to her sister. The pegasus mare, with auburn mane and cyan fur, was staring at the black ceiling with a troubled expression.
“ I’ve heard something. Up there. Like, rustling. Can somepony make some light? “
Raven came near and pointed her light upwards. At first, the ceiling seemed normal. Filled with dozens of stalactites.
Then the stalactites moved.
They realized too late that what they had mistaken for natural formations were actually… wings. Bat wings. Pony-sized bat wings. Dozens of them. Stirring from their sleep.
Princess Luna looked at them as if she’d seen a ghost. She slowly walked backwards, never lifting her gaze from the creatures. The others started doing the same.
The creatures awoke. Red eyes opened in the dark. The bat wings spread wide and revealed the pale pony-like creatures hanging upside-down. They hissed. The fangs didn’t go unnoticed.
“ RUN! ” was the most superfluous command Celestia ever shouted.
Beams of magic aimed at the creatures flashed in the dark. Most missed. If the alicorns managed to hit anything while running and shooting blindly behind them, it was by chance. The two guards stayed at the tail of the group. Whenever a pursuer came too close, Bronzehorn would slash them with his levitating sword, and Dutyhoof would hit them with a mighty bucking. The others contented themselves with running as fast as they could.
“ THE SUN! ‘TIA, THE SUN! “ screamed Luna. Celestia concentrated on her magic while still galloping. She could hear hissing and other unpleasant noises that she didn’t dare identify right behind her, just a few hoofsteps away. Slowly, the light at the end of the tunnel became brighter and warmer. It was day again.
As soon as they stepped outside, the creatures stopped their pursuit. Some got caught in the morning light. Their flesh started to burn, and they quickly retreated in the dark. They just sat there, at the edge of the shadows, staring at their prey. The ponies stopped to catch their breath.
“ So...that is where they went. “ said Princess Luna.
“ What do you mean? “ asked Celestia.
“ Vampire ponies had been banished from Equestria a long time ago, but I never knew they flew here. “
“ Well, I guess we’ll stay away from that cave and find another one for the night. “
“ No. “ replied Luna. The look on her face scared Celestia. “ No more nights. Once awakened from their slumber, a vampire can smell living creatures up to several miles. We can only be safe as long as there is daylight. And I counted only a dozen of them inside. I fear there will be many more in other caves. “
“ How many o’ them vampires did ya banish? “ asked the pegasus Captain.
“ Thousands. ”
Hours passed by. How many, it was hard to tell. The sun arose up high in the sky and then didn’t advance further. Princess Celestia periodically lit her horn to keep the sun always at noon. They were resting on top of a huge, grey boulder, an island surrounded by gravel at the bottom of a cliff. The wall of sedimentary rock offered a modicum of cover against the strongest blows, but the ever-present wind could not be avoided.
“ Ah’ve never hated wind that much in mah life. “ said Windblow. His dark beard and mane were dotted with snow. “ When ye’re up in them clouds, ye have to tame it if ya wanna fly. But down’ there, it’s both tiresome an’ useless. Heck, ah even hate mah name now. “
Snake Charm stopped nibbling at her last apple quarter and stared at it.
“ By now, we’d be at the welcoming gala. We’d be eating musyapalu, milk balls and carrot puddings. “ she said. After being exposed for hours in the wilderness, her exotic dress and makeup were completely messed now.
“ That’s not even my worst diplomatic mission. “ said Celestia, smiling. “ At least, we’re not starting a war. “ That made the brown colored mare chuckle.
“ It’s all my fault. “ said Luna. She was staring down. She seemed filled with regret.
“ Nah. Ah’m the one to blame here. I’m the Captain, ah should’ve avoided that storm. “
“ I have seen many storms in my long reign, Captain. But none like the one that hit us yesterday. The weather here is untamed by pegasi. I can assure you, nopony could do better than you. Weren’t it for your expertise, we’d be dead by now. “ replied Celestia.
The pegasi siblings came back.
“ Nothing. “ said the pegasus stallion. The shredded purple drape used as blanket covered his yellow fur. The cyan mane matched with his sister’s coat. “ Still nothing in sight. No vegetation can grow at this altitude. “
“ Why are we still here? Why aren’t we going down? “ asked Snake Charm.
“ We need to stay close to the wreckage. “ answered the sun princess. “ Rescue is on its way. But the only way for them to find us is if we stay next to the crashing site. There is still a big piece of balloon waving on the top of the mountain, and it’s easier to spot than any of us. “
“ Yes, but how long? We’re already running out of food. We’ll be starving if they don’t come soon. It may be easier to find us here, but when they do, it may be too late. “
She is right, thought Celestia. She was putting their lives in the hooves of the rescue party. She trusted Twilight, but she couldn’t expect miracles from her. It took them a couple of days only to get there by airship. And how many days would it take before they could be found? How wide is the Haymalaya? What if the rescuers got caught in a violent storm as well?
“ Alright. We move. We’ll leave signs to show the direction we took. “
Walking was getting more and more difficult. Every hour their legs and wings felt heavier. They were tired, and hungry. They hadn’t slept for two days at least. Sometimes they laid down, closed their eyes and rested a moment, but sleep would not come. The howling wind, the cold, and the neverending sun would not allow it. Life had become an everlasting midday.
The mountain seemed to never end. Down and down they went, yet nothing seemed to change. Truth was, they moved too slow. They marched for hours, but only had the impression of traveling great lengths. In order to go down, they had to search a long time for a spot where the mountain side was less steep. Even there, their weak legs had hard times keeping balance on the slippery ice or gravel. Sometimes pegasi and alicorns had to fly and carry down the others, although it was a tiresome task. Teleportation spells were becoming exhausting as well. Concentration was almost impossible. Their heads were fuzzy and spinning, and could not think straight anymore.
From time to time those more optimistic still searched for food. They digged with their hooves, hoping to find the slightest hint of grass buried under the snow. Effort was to no avail. What they didn’t lack though was water. They would take a hoofful of snow in their mouth and drink.
They were marching in a silent line when suddenly the light changed. The sky had become fiery red and the sun was setting. Luna turned immediately around and saw her sister collapsed on the ground.
“ Celestia! “ she ran to her. She helped her sister getting on her hooves.
“ I’m fine. “ she whispered. As soon as she realized what happened, she pushed the sun back high above. “ It’s more and more difficult. It has never been up for so long. “ she added.
Luna wanted to give her courage, but she couldn’t find anything to say without lying. “ We should rest for a moment. “ she finally suggested.
They stopped at the edge of a cliff and looked down. There was nothing to see. A thick fog covered everything at the bottom. They had no idea how deep the gorge was. Descending the cliff was too dangerous. There was no other way down. All that marching had led them to nowhere. Everypony sat down and stared silently at the void below. Everyone except Raven. The black-maned unicorn mare walked towards the edge, her gaze lost somewhere. Her mind was lost as well.
“ Canterlot… “ she muttered. She stepped in the void. Snake Charm screamed too late. Amber and Golden immediately flew behind and grabbed Raven’s tail with their mouth. With the help of some of Luna’s levitation, the pegasi managed to get the unicorn back on solid ground.
“ I… I saw Canterlot, right there... I thought I saw home… “ the unicorn mare mumbled.
“ She’s hallucinating. “ said Celestia. “ It’s an effect of sleep deprivation. “
“ We can’t go on like this. We’ve traveled far enough, how can those vampires find us now? Maybe they just went into slumber again. We need to sleep, we need the night! “ said Snake Charm.
“ No! “ insisted Luna. “ I can assure you, only a few minutes of darkness and dozens of those creatures are on us! “
“ Aren’t ye exaggerating a bit? Ya speak o’them like they’re some kind o’ unstoppable killing force “ said Windblow.
“ Because they’re meant to! That’s what I made them for! “ she yelled, exasperated. Silence fell. The revelation sent a chill down everypony’s spine.
“ Back when I was Nightmare Moon, “ continued Luna, “ I used dark magic to create the first vampire ponies. A whole army of perfect undead predators. And now, I don’t have neither the knowledge nor the power to lift their curse. “
“ Ye’r right. It is yer fault after all. Ye’ve created them monsters, maybe we should feed ya to them. “ Windblow’s face was hard as stone.
“ You take it back! “ intervened Celestia.
Luna moved face-to-face with the Captain. “ How dare you? I have saved your life more than once! “ she said firmly.
“ Yeah? How many lives did them vampires take? “ he replied.
“ Stop it! “ Snake Charm put herself between the two. “ This is not you. We’re tired, and we’re not thinking straight. “
“ Ah’m not gonna stay with that monster ‘princess’. “
“ Listen. “ Snake Charm stared into the Captain’s eyes. “ We stay together. From now on, you stay at the head of the group and Princess Luna stays at the tail. Okay? “ she said. Windblow mumbled something and nodded.
Celestia admired the mare’s intervention. She couldn’t have done better. “ We move. “ she ordered. “ Let’s go back and find another way down. “
Grass. At last. It was just a clump of weed, hidden between two rocks, but it was something they could eat. After three days without food, anything was welcomed like a feast. More importantly, it gave them hope.
They had to step back, try another path and walk again for uncountable hours to finally descend to more hospitable altitudes. It didn’t came without cost. They had to cross friable terrain that collapsed under their hooves and sent them rolling down the mountain side. Fortunately, their fall terminated on a flat rock and only caused a few bruises.
The small patch of grass only provided a couple of bites, but now they could look around for more. While the rest of the group was meticulously scouring every inch of rock, the alicorn sisters gazed the horizon. A valley stood in front of them. There was no sign of green: only nuanches of grey. But in the distance, they could notice something: a small trait of river, falling down like a small waterfall. Where the river went they could not see, hidden by the mountain around which the valley turned. Nevertheless, if they could find a bit of weed now, they would certainly find more next to the river.
As they proceeded further down, however, the corner of the valley came into view and revealed something utterly unexpected. The valley narrowed into a canyon. The canyon was guarded by a black fortress. Great, strong walls stretched from side to side of the canyon. Inside were so many buildings, a whole town could fit inside. The more they approached, the more the fortress looked abandoned. No guards patrolled on the walls, no hearth smoke rose from the buildings.
“ Maybe we can still find something inside. “ said Luna. She expected an answer from her sister, but it never came. Next to her, Celestia was staggering. Her eyes were closed.
“ Hey, come on. Be strong, sister. We’re almost there. “ She put Celestia’s foreleg around her neck and walked together.
The huge, black gate at the walls was open. The group stepped in silently. Walking down the main street, they looked with both awe and apprehension at the buildings at both sides. They were all made with a polished black stone. There were no houses, no shops, no gardens, no barn, no hint to any kind of farming or hoofcrafting activity.Everything was built for aesthetic over pragmatism. All buildings looked like temples. And alcoves. It didn’t bode well. With a small speck of hope in her heart, she refused to believe what she suspected the fortress was.
Her hopes were crushed by the sight of the statue in the central plaza. It was a statue of Nightmare Moon. She looked at her former self with a mix of fear, disgust, and painful regret. They were in the middle of a vampire city. Each of the hundreds of alcoves around them hosted one of those deadly creatures.
As long as we’re under the sun, we’re safe, she kept repeating to herself. But it didn’t make her feel better.
They kept walking. Everypony glanced around nervously, expecting to find again those dreadful bat-like wings around every corner, inside every shadowy street.Nopony dared to make even the slightest noise. After walking for about ten of the most stressful minutes of their lives, the finally arrived at the gates on the other side of the fortress.
They were closed. They were meant to be open with a lever mechanism. Somewhere.
Celestia’s horn glowed for a brief moment one last time.
“ The sun… I can’t… it’s too strong… “ she whispered, then she fainted on her sister’s forelegs.
“ Sister? No, sister, please, wake up! “
Night fell.
They all grouped together in a circle, back-to-back. Eyes wide open, filled with terror, digged in the darkness for any sight of the creatures. They heard wings flutter. Hissing. Red eyes appeared inside each alcove.
“ This way, help me! “ shouted Luna. Raven helped her carrying Celestia. They fled in the first alley they found. The main street was already filling with vampires behind them. Outrunning the creatures wasn’t an option. Luna led the group inside what looked like a small temple. As soon as they entered, they shut the door. Soon they could hear the monsters bumping into the door, trying to get in. Everypony leaned on the door and pushed to keep it shut.
Luna lit her horn to take a look at their surroundings. They were in a small room, mostly empty except for a couple of statues and carvings on the walls. There were no vampires inside. No other exits either.
“Nngh… we can’t hold them forever! ” said Windblow. They all pushed as hard as they could, but they were weak and exhausted, while the vampires were stronger and many more. Outside was a cacophony of growling and hissing. Pale, frantic legs and hooves started to come in through a small opening. Bronzespear slashed his sword several times, but whenever a hoof was cut and retreated itself, another one took its place.
Celestia gave no sign of waking up. There was no escape. No chance of fighting them.
Suddenly, they heard a stomp . The ground shook for a brief moment.
Fire roared and slipped through the door’s opening. Everypony flew back from the flames. Then, darkness and silence fell again. No more ghastly noises came from outside. Lighting her horn Luna looked at the slightly open door. Where once the vampires’ legs had been, now there was only a pile of ashes.
“ Are you ok? “ asked somepony from outside. It sounded like a mare’s voice.
Luna opened the door and stepped on a ash carpet. In the street, she found herself surrounded by two huge and fearsome dragons, red and brown.
“ Princess Luna? “ asked the voice again. Luna couldn’t understand where it came from until she looked up. She found a much smaller dragoness flying above her. She had blue scales and carried a sceptre.
“ Spike received your message and asked our help. “ Ember said, landing next to her. “ He and Princess Twilight figured it was faster this way. Dragon lands are closer than Equestria, and dragonbreath messages are instantaneous. Also, we’ve seen worse storms. We dragons are tough. “
Luna nodded. She was too weak to answer anymore. She pointed a hoof to the small room behind her. Now that the danger was over, the rush of adrenaline faded away. She could feel the weight of three days of fatigue, hunger and sleep deprivation coming all at once. She staggered. Ember helped her stand up and offered some water.
“ Hey, come on, Princess. It’s alright. We’ve brought some food and water. We’ll get you out of here, and you’ll be able to rest. I guess you need it.“
“ Yeah, “ whispered Luna. “ It’s been a long day. “
THE END
“ Everypony’s ok? “ she asked. The others nodded and mumbled in return. They were staring at the dramatic sight before them.
The already-torn balloon of the airship tangled itself in the top of a mountain crest. The gondola crashed against the grey cliff with a loud crack that could still be heard despite the strong wind. Several wooden fins and other debris fell and scattered on the steep, rocky side. Celestia and Luna looked at each other, both realizing how their teleportation spells saved everypony at the very last second.
“ Mah poor baby… “ muttered Windblow. Captain Windblow and the two crew ponies were the most troubled by the fate of their beloved airship.
“ What do we do? “ shouted Snake Charm in the wind. Celestia turned around: only mountains, everywhere. Snow, rocks deep gorges. The others looked at her, waiting for leadership. Some crouched or lowered their heads, trying to protect themselves from the wind and cold as best as they could. Manes and tails flapped furiously. The Princess could feel the weight of the responsibility for their lives. All of them: Captain Windblow and the pegasi siblings Amber Compass and Golden Spyglass; Raven, her personal secretary; Bronzehorn and Dutyhoof, the royal guards; Snake Charm, the Equestrian ambassador in Neighpal; Luna and herself. It wasn’t the first time though. She was used to such weight. She knew what to do.
“ Let’s go to the wreckage. Our priority is to send a message. Then… it may take a while before any rescuer find us. We need to salvage all we can from the airship. “
Getting to the wreckage took more time than expected. Most of the way was covered in ankle-deep snow. When they were not slowed by snow, they had to go through steep and slippery passages. Those who could fly soon realized that the strong wind would quickly sap their energy. It was safer to proceed on hooves than getting exhausted. As for teleportation spells, the wreckage was too far to get there directly, but they proved useful for crossing huge gaps.
Once they reached the crashing site, the group split and began searching among the scattered debris. The pegasi focused on some parts hanging on the almost vertical cliff, and on the waving purple shreds of the airship’s balloon. They took a few drapes and brought them down, meaning to use them as blankets against the cold. Celestia and Raven inspected what was left of the stern deck. They were able to retrieve a few objects that could prove useful for survival, but the Princess was looking for something in particular: ink and parchment. They managed to find a couple of torn parchments. As for ink, Celestia frowned as she floated with her magic the broken glass pot in front of her. There was still a bit left, gathered in a corner. She could send a message to Twilight.
“ Raven, find anything you can use as a quill. There’s not much ink left, so we’ll have to be short and concise. And write as small as you can. “
As soon as Raven had finished writing, Celestia’s horn glowed and the piece of parchment disappeared in a burst of green fire. Now we wait, she thought. But how long?
The rest of the group came back. Dutyhoof wore saddlebags, still soiled with dirt and snow. The other guard opened them with magic, and a few apples floated in the air.
“ This is all we could find, Princess. I’m afraid the content of the hold has fallen in a deep crevice. “ said Bronzehorn.
“ We will have to make rations then. “ replied Celestia. Snake Charm gasped. No need to look at her face, covered by her green flapping mane, to understand how shocked she was.
“ What? There isn’t even one apple for each of us! Even rationing it won’t last more than one day. “ she said, pointing to the floating fruits.
“ We should search for food. There must be some patches of grass nearby. “ said Luna. Captain Windblow scoffed.
“ Well, ah don’t see any. There’s not even one thread o’ grass in this forsaken land. Heck, ah wonder why it’s called Haymalaya if there’s no hay anywhere. “
“ There’s more vegetation down in the valleys.” said the ambassador.
Princess Celestia was about to reply but was interrupted by a sudden blast of howling wind, stronger than usual. The mountains themselves were screaming their fury. Everypony covered himself and tried to avoid getting the flying snow in the eyes. When the weather calmed down a bit, they heard a loud noise coming from above them. Wrecked remains of the airship that previously stood in precarious balance were now falling. As they smashed on the cliff, small patches of snow were tipped over the edge and pushed down. Then even more snow started to roll. Horror struck everypony when they realized what was about to happen.
“ EVERYPONY WITH ME! “ shouted Celestia.” Luna! Crest on the right! “ Her sister nodded. The mountain rumbled. Ponies ran towards the Princesses. The cliff that loomed above them disappeared in a raging cloud of white that approached with incredible speed. Horns glowed. Magic flashed yellow and blue.
They stood at the entrance of the cave in silence. The sun was setting, and they needed a place to rest for the night. Somewhere sheltered from the ever constant air blow.
“ Ambassador, do you have knowledge of any creatures that may dwell in these mountains? “ asked Luna.
“ Nopony’s ventured in the Haymalayas for centuries, Princess. “
They didn’t have much choice. They stepped inside. The unicorn guard shed some light with his magic and unscathed a short sword. Before entering, the alicorn sisters looked back over their shoulders, and gazed at the orange sky. Even there, lost in a faraway land, striving for survival, they kept their daily routine. One pulled down the sun, and the other brought up the moon in the night sky. It felt weird. Performing their duty as if nothing had changed, as if they were still home. But they weren’t.
Hoofsteps echoed inside the caverns. The howling was now only a fainted sound behind them. But there was something else. Another sound in the distance. Luna hushed the others to stay quiet and straighten her ears. Gargling. There was a river or a pool nearby, inside the caverns. That was good news. They proceeded further in the dark, until the entrance was only a small spot of light.
“ Amber, are you ok? “ asked Golden Spyglass to her sister. The pegasus mare, with auburn mane and cyan fur, was staring at the black ceiling with a troubled expression.
“ I’ve heard something. Up there. Like, rustling. Can somepony make some light? “
Raven came near and pointed her light upwards. At first, the ceiling seemed normal. Filled with dozens of stalactites.
Then the stalactites moved.
They realized too late that what they had mistaken for natural formations were actually… wings. Bat wings. Pony-sized bat wings. Dozens of them. Stirring from their sleep.
Princess Luna looked at them as if she’d seen a ghost. She slowly walked backwards, never lifting her gaze from the creatures. The others started doing the same.
The creatures awoke. Red eyes opened in the dark. The bat wings spread wide and revealed the pale pony-like creatures hanging upside-down. They hissed. The fangs didn’t go unnoticed.
“ RUN! ” was the most superfluous command Celestia ever shouted.
Beams of magic aimed at the creatures flashed in the dark. Most missed. If the alicorns managed to hit anything while running and shooting blindly behind them, it was by chance. The two guards stayed at the tail of the group. Whenever a pursuer came too close, Bronzehorn would slash them with his levitating sword, and Dutyhoof would hit them with a mighty bucking. The others contented themselves with running as fast as they could.
“ THE SUN! ‘TIA, THE SUN! “ screamed Luna. Celestia concentrated on her magic while still galloping. She could hear hissing and other unpleasant noises that she didn’t dare identify right behind her, just a few hoofsteps away. Slowly, the light at the end of the tunnel became brighter and warmer. It was day again.
As soon as they stepped outside, the creatures stopped their pursuit. Some got caught in the morning light. Their flesh started to burn, and they quickly retreated in the dark. They just sat there, at the edge of the shadows, staring at their prey. The ponies stopped to catch their breath.
“ So...that is where they went. “ said Princess Luna.
“ What do you mean? “ asked Celestia.
“ Vampire ponies had been banished from Equestria a long time ago, but I never knew they flew here. “
“ Well, I guess we’ll stay away from that cave and find another one for the night. “
“ No. “ replied Luna. The look on her face scared Celestia. “ No more nights. Once awakened from their slumber, a vampire can smell living creatures up to several miles. We can only be safe as long as there is daylight. And I counted only a dozen of them inside. I fear there will be many more in other caves. “
“ How many o’ them vampires did ya banish? “ asked the pegasus Captain.
“ Thousands. ”
Hours passed by. How many, it was hard to tell. The sun arose up high in the sky and then didn’t advance further. Princess Celestia periodically lit her horn to keep the sun always at noon. They were resting on top of a huge, grey boulder, an island surrounded by gravel at the bottom of a cliff. The wall of sedimentary rock offered a modicum of cover against the strongest blows, but the ever-present wind could not be avoided.
“ Ah’ve never hated wind that much in mah life. “ said Windblow. His dark beard and mane were dotted with snow. “ When ye’re up in them clouds, ye have to tame it if ya wanna fly. But down’ there, it’s both tiresome an’ useless. Heck, ah even hate mah name now. “
Snake Charm stopped nibbling at her last apple quarter and stared at it.
“ By now, we’d be at the welcoming gala. We’d be eating musyapalu, milk balls and carrot puddings. “ she said. After being exposed for hours in the wilderness, her exotic dress and makeup were completely messed now.
“ That’s not even my worst diplomatic mission. “ said Celestia, smiling. “ At least, we’re not starting a war. “ That made the brown colored mare chuckle.
“ It’s all my fault. “ said Luna. She was staring down. She seemed filled with regret.
“ Nah. Ah’m the one to blame here. I’m the Captain, ah should’ve avoided that storm. “
“ I have seen many storms in my long reign, Captain. But none like the one that hit us yesterday. The weather here is untamed by pegasi. I can assure you, nopony could do better than you. Weren’t it for your expertise, we’d be dead by now. “ replied Celestia.
The pegasi siblings came back.
“ Nothing. “ said the pegasus stallion. The shredded purple drape used as blanket covered his yellow fur. The cyan mane matched with his sister’s coat. “ Still nothing in sight. No vegetation can grow at this altitude. “
“ Why are we still here? Why aren’t we going down? “ asked Snake Charm.
“ We need to stay close to the wreckage. “ answered the sun princess. “ Rescue is on its way. But the only way for them to find us is if we stay next to the crashing site. There is still a big piece of balloon waving on the top of the mountain, and it’s easier to spot than any of us. “
“ Yes, but how long? We’re already running out of food. We’ll be starving if they don’t come soon. It may be easier to find us here, but when they do, it may be too late. “
She is right, thought Celestia. She was putting their lives in the hooves of the rescue party. She trusted Twilight, but she couldn’t expect miracles from her. It took them a couple of days only to get there by airship. And how many days would it take before they could be found? How wide is the Haymalaya? What if the rescuers got caught in a violent storm as well?
“ Alright. We move. We’ll leave signs to show the direction we took. “
Walking was getting more and more difficult. Every hour their legs and wings felt heavier. They were tired, and hungry. They hadn’t slept for two days at least. Sometimes they laid down, closed their eyes and rested a moment, but sleep would not come. The howling wind, the cold, and the neverending sun would not allow it. Life had become an everlasting midday.
The mountain seemed to never end. Down and down they went, yet nothing seemed to change. Truth was, they moved too slow. They marched for hours, but only had the impression of traveling great lengths. In order to go down, they had to search a long time for a spot where the mountain side was less steep. Even there, their weak legs had hard times keeping balance on the slippery ice or gravel. Sometimes pegasi and alicorns had to fly and carry down the others, although it was a tiresome task. Teleportation spells were becoming exhausting as well. Concentration was almost impossible. Their heads were fuzzy and spinning, and could not think straight anymore.
From time to time those more optimistic still searched for food. They digged with their hooves, hoping to find the slightest hint of grass buried under the snow. Effort was to no avail. What they didn’t lack though was water. They would take a hoofful of snow in their mouth and drink.
They were marching in a silent line when suddenly the light changed. The sky had become fiery red and the sun was setting. Luna turned immediately around and saw her sister collapsed on the ground.
“ Celestia! “ she ran to her. She helped her sister getting on her hooves.
“ I’m fine. “ she whispered. As soon as she realized what happened, she pushed the sun back high above. “ It’s more and more difficult. It has never been up for so long. “ she added.
Luna wanted to give her courage, but she couldn’t find anything to say without lying. “ We should rest for a moment. “ she finally suggested.
They stopped at the edge of a cliff and looked down. There was nothing to see. A thick fog covered everything at the bottom. They had no idea how deep the gorge was. Descending the cliff was too dangerous. There was no other way down. All that marching had led them to nowhere. Everypony sat down and stared silently at the void below. Everyone except Raven. The black-maned unicorn mare walked towards the edge, her gaze lost somewhere. Her mind was lost as well.
“ Canterlot… “ she muttered. She stepped in the void. Snake Charm screamed too late. Amber and Golden immediately flew behind and grabbed Raven’s tail with their mouth. With the help of some of Luna’s levitation, the pegasi managed to get the unicorn back on solid ground.
“ I… I saw Canterlot, right there... I thought I saw home… “ the unicorn mare mumbled.
“ She’s hallucinating. “ said Celestia. “ It’s an effect of sleep deprivation. “
“ We can’t go on like this. We’ve traveled far enough, how can those vampires find us now? Maybe they just went into slumber again. We need to sleep, we need the night! “ said Snake Charm.
“ No! “ insisted Luna. “ I can assure you, only a few minutes of darkness and dozens of those creatures are on us! “
“ Aren’t ye exaggerating a bit? Ya speak o’them like they’re some kind o’ unstoppable killing force “ said Windblow.
“ Because they’re meant to! That’s what I made them for! “ she yelled, exasperated. Silence fell. The revelation sent a chill down everypony’s spine.
“ Back when I was Nightmare Moon, “ continued Luna, “ I used dark magic to create the first vampire ponies. A whole army of perfect undead predators. And now, I don’t have neither the knowledge nor the power to lift their curse. “
“ Ye’r right. It is yer fault after all. Ye’ve created them monsters, maybe we should feed ya to them. “ Windblow’s face was hard as stone.
“ You take it back! “ intervened Celestia.
Luna moved face-to-face with the Captain. “ How dare you? I have saved your life more than once! “ she said firmly.
“ Yeah? How many lives did them vampires take? “ he replied.
“ Stop it! “ Snake Charm put herself between the two. “ This is not you. We’re tired, and we’re not thinking straight. “
“ Ah’m not gonna stay with that monster ‘princess’. “
“ Listen. “ Snake Charm stared into the Captain’s eyes. “ We stay together. From now on, you stay at the head of the group and Princess Luna stays at the tail. Okay? “ she said. Windblow mumbled something and nodded.
Celestia admired the mare’s intervention. She couldn’t have done better. “ We move. “ she ordered. “ Let’s go back and find another way down. “
Grass. At last. It was just a clump of weed, hidden between two rocks, but it was something they could eat. After three days without food, anything was welcomed like a feast. More importantly, it gave them hope.
They had to step back, try another path and walk again for uncountable hours to finally descend to more hospitable altitudes. It didn’t came without cost. They had to cross friable terrain that collapsed under their hooves and sent them rolling down the mountain side. Fortunately, their fall terminated on a flat rock and only caused a few bruises.
The small patch of grass only provided a couple of bites, but now they could look around for more. While the rest of the group was meticulously scouring every inch of rock, the alicorn sisters gazed the horizon. A valley stood in front of them. There was no sign of green: only nuanches of grey. But in the distance, they could notice something: a small trait of river, falling down like a small waterfall. Where the river went they could not see, hidden by the mountain around which the valley turned. Nevertheless, if they could find a bit of weed now, they would certainly find more next to the river.
As they proceeded further down, however, the corner of the valley came into view and revealed something utterly unexpected. The valley narrowed into a canyon. The canyon was guarded by a black fortress. Great, strong walls stretched from side to side of the canyon. Inside were so many buildings, a whole town could fit inside. The more they approached, the more the fortress looked abandoned. No guards patrolled on the walls, no hearth smoke rose from the buildings.
“ Maybe we can still find something inside. “ said Luna. She expected an answer from her sister, but it never came. Next to her, Celestia was staggering. Her eyes were closed.
“ Hey, come on. Be strong, sister. We’re almost there. “ She put Celestia’s foreleg around her neck and walked together.
The huge, black gate at the walls was open. The group stepped in silently. Walking down the main street, they looked with both awe and apprehension at the buildings at both sides. They were all made with a polished black stone. There were no houses, no shops, no gardens, no barn, no hint to any kind of farming or hoofcrafting activity.Everything was built for aesthetic over pragmatism. All buildings looked like temples. And alcoves. It didn’t bode well. With a small speck of hope in her heart, she refused to believe what she suspected the fortress was.
Her hopes were crushed by the sight of the statue in the central plaza. It was a statue of Nightmare Moon. She looked at her former self with a mix of fear, disgust, and painful regret. They were in the middle of a vampire city. Each of the hundreds of alcoves around them hosted one of those deadly creatures.
As long as we’re under the sun, we’re safe, she kept repeating to herself. But it didn’t make her feel better.
They kept walking. Everypony glanced around nervously, expecting to find again those dreadful bat-like wings around every corner, inside every shadowy street.Nopony dared to make even the slightest noise. After walking for about ten of the most stressful minutes of their lives, the finally arrived at the gates on the other side of the fortress.
They were closed. They were meant to be open with a lever mechanism. Somewhere.
Celestia’s horn glowed for a brief moment one last time.
“ The sun… I can’t… it’s too strong… “ she whispered, then she fainted on her sister’s forelegs.
“ Sister? No, sister, please, wake up! “
Night fell.
They all grouped together in a circle, back-to-back. Eyes wide open, filled with terror, digged in the darkness for any sight of the creatures. They heard wings flutter. Hissing. Red eyes appeared inside each alcove.
“ This way, help me! “ shouted Luna. Raven helped her carrying Celestia. They fled in the first alley they found. The main street was already filling with vampires behind them. Outrunning the creatures wasn’t an option. Luna led the group inside what looked like a small temple. As soon as they entered, they shut the door. Soon they could hear the monsters bumping into the door, trying to get in. Everypony leaned on the door and pushed to keep it shut.
Luna lit her horn to take a look at their surroundings. They were in a small room, mostly empty except for a couple of statues and carvings on the walls. There were no vampires inside. No other exits either.
“Nngh… we can’t hold them forever! ” said Windblow. They all pushed as hard as they could, but they were weak and exhausted, while the vampires were stronger and many more. Outside was a cacophony of growling and hissing. Pale, frantic legs and hooves started to come in through a small opening. Bronzespear slashed his sword several times, but whenever a hoof was cut and retreated itself, another one took its place.
Celestia gave no sign of waking up. There was no escape. No chance of fighting them.
Suddenly, they heard a stomp . The ground shook for a brief moment.
Fire roared and slipped through the door’s opening. Everypony flew back from the flames. Then, darkness and silence fell again. No more ghastly noises came from outside. Lighting her horn Luna looked at the slightly open door. Where once the vampires’ legs had been, now there was only a pile of ashes.
“ Are you ok? “ asked somepony from outside. It sounded like a mare’s voice.
Luna opened the door and stepped on a ash carpet. In the street, she found herself surrounded by two huge and fearsome dragons, red and brown.
“ Princess Luna? “ asked the voice again. Luna couldn’t understand where it came from until she looked up. She found a much smaller dragoness flying above her. She had blue scales and carried a sceptre.
“ Spike received your message and asked our help. “ Ember said, landing next to her. “ He and Princess Twilight figured it was faster this way. Dragon lands are closer than Equestria, and dragonbreath messages are instantaneous. Also, we’ve seen worse storms. We dragons are tough. “
Luna nodded. She was too weak to answer anymore. She pointed a hoof to the small room behind her. Now that the danger was over, the rush of adrenaline faded away. She could feel the weight of three days of fatigue, hunger and sleep deprivation coming all at once. She staggered. Ember helped her stand up and offered some water.
“ Hey, come on, Princess. It’s alright. We’ve brought some food and water. We’ll get you out of here, and you’ll be able to rest. I guess you need it.“
“ Yeah, “ whispered Luna. “ It’s been a long day. “
THE END
Pics
The glimmer of an interesting story with the memories of Luna's background, but the plot just doesn't fly all that well to me. We have both vampire bats and vampire ponies. And the simple fact that Luna created them when she was Nightmare Moon was too easy. While seeing the dragons was a nice touch, it came at the last moment. This felt like a story trying to be a horror story without actually going into horror. It needs quite a bit of polish and a bit more thought about the setting. If you want to play the vampire card, have Snake Charm be terrified the entire time, believing the place to be cursed. See ancient watchtowers. Bones. Something. Give the atmosphere a more foreboding sense.
The characters also need a bit of work. Celestia and Luna didn't feel like themselves. Plus the idea of Celestia keeping the world's sun up just to save them all... down that road lies madness. Creatures across the world would panic. That aspect needs some work, but I think that can be handled by Celestia having to maintain a miniature sun above the group at all times (a bit like Pitch Dark, if you remember that... perhaps that was what you were going for). However, the effort continues to be more a lot more taxing, especially at night and then it finally fails right at midnight. (Having a belltower go off would be perfect narrative causality).
Also, take a closer look at your formatting. The spacing issues kept knocking me out of the narrative.
There's some flaws in the premise, but with some reworking and retooling of the storyline and the characters, this could turn into an intense, nail-driven survival story.
That being said, bonus points for using Raven. I'm glad it's been established that she's not an OC as in a previous WriteOff (yes, this salt is wonderful on my pretzel, thanks for asking.)
The characters also need a bit of work. Celestia and Luna didn't feel like themselves. Plus the idea of Celestia keeping the world's sun up just to save them all... down that road lies madness. Creatures across the world would panic. That aspect needs some work, but I think that can be handled by Celestia having to maintain a miniature sun above the group at all times (a bit like Pitch Dark, if you remember that... perhaps that was what you were going for). However, the effort continues to be more a lot more taxing, especially at night and then it finally fails right at midnight. (Having a belltower go off would be perfect narrative causality).
Also, take a closer look at your formatting. The spacing issues kept knocking me out of the narrative.
There's some flaws in the premise, but with some reworking and retooling of the storyline and the characters, this could turn into an intense, nail-driven survival story.
That being said, bonus points for using Raven. I'm glad it's been established that she's not an OC as in a previous WriteOff (yes, this salt is wonderful on my pretzel, thanks for asking.)
Strong stab at an adventure story, here, but issues with perspective, formatting (as >>Novel_Idea mentioned), and a strong bias toward telling over showing keep me from getting too immersed in the narrative. The perspective starts with Celestia, but bounces around and finally ends up with Luna toward the end. There are some minor plot holes as well, and coincidences that strain credulity (Luna created an army of vampire ponies, banished them, then just happened to be on the first expedition to encounter them after her return?).
I think with some judicious editing, this could be a strong, suspenseful exercise in world building. But for now it's not quite there.
I think with some judicious editing, this could be a strong, suspenseful exercise in world building. But for now it's not quite there.
I'm gonna break from the other two reviewers here, while conceding that their criticism of this story is perfectly legitimate. Setting those aside, I think this succeeds on the merits of its structure alone, as it kept me engaged in spite of the flaws detailed above just by moving its narrative forward. It's actually pretty well paced.
And while I could say that the resolution feels awfully convenient... it did, at least, have a set-up early in the story. I think if you nail down the specifics, the hows and the whys of, say, how the dragons were able to track the company of ponies all the way to Castleneighnia. you should have a pretty solid story on your hands.
And while I could say that the resolution feels awfully convenient... it did, at least, have a set-up early in the story. I think if you nail down the specifics, the hows and the whys of, say, how the dragons were able to track the company of ponies all the way to Castleneighnia. you should have a pretty solid story on your hands.
You have the makings of a solid adventure/survival story here, but I kinda disagree with the above about what the biggest issue is (except formatting, do check that).
Simply put, Celestia and Luna feel like they should trivialize most issues here. Setting aside minor nags like the celestial canon seeming to be that magic is needed for the sun and moon to move, the ambiguous nature of MLP magic and power of Alicorns, I have trouble buying the danger.
Communication? You have the dreamwalker and the ability to move the sun and moon. Shelter? Laser blast a cave out or set up a magic bubble. Need distance from the vamponies? Fly or teleport. Need to beat the vamponies? Get a good mile or two from the cave, let night happen, then raise the sun when they attack and wipe them out. Etc.
Basically, having both princesses at full power struggle with this basically requires they barely know how to use their magic for this level of threat to be dangerous. Basically, I would recommend losing them or otherwise incapacitation them.
Beyond that, the team could use some punched up characterization as, right now, they still pretty much qualify as red shirts.
Simply put, Celestia and Luna feel like they should trivialize most issues here. Setting aside minor nags like the celestial canon seeming to be that magic is needed for the sun and moon to move, the ambiguous nature of MLP magic and power of Alicorns, I have trouble buying the danger.
Communication? You have the dreamwalker and the ability to move the sun and moon. Shelter? Laser blast a cave out or set up a magic bubble. Need distance from the vamponies? Fly or teleport. Need to beat the vamponies? Get a good mile or two from the cave, let night happen, then raise the sun when they attack and wipe them out. Etc.
Basically, having both princesses at full power struggle with this basically requires they barely know how to use their magic for this level of threat to be dangerous. Basically, I would recommend losing them or otherwise incapacitation them.
Beyond that, the team could use some punched up characterization as, right now, they still pretty much qualify as red shirts.
I think the above comments cover this story pretty well, particularly >>Cold in Gardez regarding the lopsided show/tell ratio and the coincidences and >>AndrewRogue's points about the power of alicorn magic. The overall effect is that the plot feels contrived, rather than naturally arising.
This paragraph here is a good example of both the contrivance problem (it's a large dump of excuses for why the terrain can't be easily overcome) and the show/tell problem (these scenes sound exciting, I wish we saw all this written out!).
There are also a lot of places where errors in formatting, spelling, grammar and the like break me out of the story, including the very title.
So - quite a few issues. I'm not sure I can point to any one of them as the most severe. The overall writing level here is just not as high as some of the other entries.
And that's great! Like >>Posh says, there is a good effort and story outline in this piece. The author might not have as much experience as some of the competition, but they're clearly trying and headed in the right direction, and I love seeing that. Thank you for writing and throwing your hat into the ring here! Take all the feedback into account, keep on writing and keep on learning!
Getting to the wreckage took more time than expected. Most of the way was covered in ankle-deep snow. When they were not slowed by snow, they had to go through steep and slippery passages. Those who could fly soon realized that the strong wind would quickly sap their energy. It was safer to proceed on hooves than getting exhausted. As for teleportation spells, the wreckage was too far to get there directly, but they proved useful for crossing huge gaps.
This paragraph here is a good example of both the contrivance problem (it's a large dump of excuses for why the terrain can't be easily overcome) and the show/tell problem (these scenes sound exciting, I wish we saw all this written out!).
There are also a lot of places where errors in formatting, spelling, grammar and the like break me out of the story, including the very title.
So - quite a few issues. I'm not sure I can point to any one of them as the most severe. The overall writing level here is just not as high as some of the other entries.
And that's great! Like >>Posh says, there is a good effort and story outline in this piece. The author might not have as much experience as some of the competition, but they're clearly trying and headed in the right direction, and I love seeing that. Thank you for writing and throwing your hat into the ring here! Take all the feedback into account, keep on writing and keep on learning!
As with others, review-as-reaction to start with during my tread through...
Some formatting problems with quotes, likely copy/paste problem from an editor.
Airship crash... Nice, I like in media res starts.
She counts "eight" at the start, but ten ponies are named. Uh oh. Also, that's a LOT of characters/names to drop at once. Hope we can keep track of them all.
Luna and Celestia teleported them out of the wreck. Why can't they teleport them home (or some village, etc.)? Oh wait, it says "the wreckage was too far to teleport" But how? Didn't they just teleport out at the last second before the wreck? Shouldn't it be the same distance back?
Hitting quite a few typos/misspellings/etc., but the pace and tension are staying good.
Vampire ponies? Okay, that's a lot of "telling" not "showing" in that reveal. Also, no threat, as Celestia can make day last as long as needed.
As a survival story, I'm not feeling any real sense of threat. We've seen magic in Equestria do just about anything, and this story has yet to set up enough reasons why this situation is special and truly dangerous.
Hallucinations started way too soon, just two days?
Okay, no rest because vampires. That at least puts the pressure on. But... Wait, Luna made them? Okay, interesting, but needs to tie to the story!
Windblow gets uppity that fast? Sorry, hard to buy. Two days in a survival scenario, and then one reveal about "dirty deeds" and he's refusing to work together? This needs more setup, he should've talked about his family getting taken by vampires or something to set this up.
Giant Fortress? Okay. The problem is that it seems like every thing that happens in this story is just pulled out of a hat, with no foreshadowing or setup of any kind.
Okay it hosts vampires in every alcove... then why a paragraph later, are they "expecting to find" vampires if they already know they are ACTUALLY there in every alcove?
Why can't Luna raise the sun the way Celestia raised the moon for a thousand years during her exile?
And... Dragon ex machina. That could've been a really awesome/epic thing, but it's just out of the blue, and deus ex machina is never satisfying. Ember also just explains everything without being prompted.
Overall, a good central idea, but it really needs work to sell me on the danger, and must really set up things before they happen to avoid the "random encounter" feel most of it has.
Some formatting problems with quotes, likely copy/paste problem from an editor.
Airship crash... Nice, I like in media res starts.
She counts "eight" at the start, but ten ponies are named. Uh oh. Also, that's a LOT of characters/names to drop at once. Hope we can keep track of them all.
Luna and Celestia teleported them out of the wreck. Why can't they teleport them home (or some village, etc.)? Oh wait, it says "the wreckage was too far to teleport" But how? Didn't they just teleport out at the last second before the wreck? Shouldn't it be the same distance back?
Hitting quite a few typos/misspellings/etc., but the pace and tension are staying good.
Vampire ponies? Okay, that's a lot of "telling" not "showing" in that reveal. Also, no threat, as Celestia can make day last as long as needed.
As a survival story, I'm not feeling any real sense of threat. We've seen magic in Equestria do just about anything, and this story has yet to set up enough reasons why this situation is special and truly dangerous.
Hallucinations started way too soon, just two days?
Okay, no rest because vampires. That at least puts the pressure on. But... Wait, Luna made them? Okay, interesting, but needs to tie to the story!
Windblow gets uppity that fast? Sorry, hard to buy. Two days in a survival scenario, and then one reveal about "dirty deeds" and he's refusing to work together? This needs more setup, he should've talked about his family getting taken by vampires or something to set this up.
Giant Fortress? Okay. The problem is that it seems like every thing that happens in this story is just pulled out of a hat, with no foreshadowing or setup of any kind.
Okay it hosts vampires in every alcove... then why a paragraph later, are they "expecting to find" vampires if they already know they are ACTUALLY there in every alcove?
Why can't Luna raise the sun the way Celestia raised the moon for a thousand years during her exile?
And... Dragon ex machina. That could've been a really awesome/epic thing, but it's just out of the blue, and deus ex machina is never satisfying. Ember also just explains everything without being prompted.
Overall, a good central idea, but it really needs work to sell me on the danger, and must really set up things before they happen to avoid the "random encounter" feel most of it has.
Sorry for the late reply, but I wanted to thank all of you for your feedback.
Perhaps for my first writeoff I should have been less ambitious. I realize that the story needed more thinking and working out in order to make sense. The fact that Celestia can move the sun was at the same time the core idea and the bane of the story. The MLP canon allows for a unique twist (or at least rare) on vampire stories, but the power level of Celestia alone is such that instead of replacing the vampire threat with another one (fatigue, sleep deprivation), as was my intention, it should easily eliminate most threats presented.
>>Novel_Idea
That's because it never meant to be a horror story. The focus was meant to be on survival.
>>AndrewRogue
Indeed, if I went for a mature/gore story, there would have been a couple of deaths.
Anyway you're right. I figured that a minimum of staff would be required in a (unspecified, I admit) diplomatic mission to a foreign land, but in doing so I had too many characters that needed characterization.
>>Xepher
There are nine ponies. Celestia didn't count herself.
Yes, it was copy-pasted from an editor. I should have checked before submitting.
>>Ranmilia
Thank you! :-)
I found your feedback to be useful, constructive and encouraging, and I really appreciated it. I hope I'll be able to improve myself for the next contest.
Perhaps for my first writeoff I should have been less ambitious. I realize that the story needed more thinking and working out in order to make sense. The fact that Celestia can move the sun was at the same time the core idea and the bane of the story. The MLP canon allows for a unique twist (or at least rare) on vampire stories, but the power level of Celestia alone is such that instead of replacing the vampire threat with another one (fatigue, sleep deprivation), as was my intention, it should easily eliminate most threats presented.
>>Novel_Idea
This felt like a story trying to be a horror story without actually going into horror.
That's because it never meant to be a horror story. The focus was meant to be on survival.
>>AndrewRogue
Beyond that, the team could use some punched up characterization as, right now, they still pretty much qualify as red shirts.
Indeed, if I went for a mature/gore story, there would have been a couple of deaths.
Anyway you're right. I figured that a minimum of staff would be required in a (unspecified, I admit) diplomatic mission to a foreign land, but in doing so I had too many characters that needed characterization.
>>Xepher
She counts "eight" at the start, but ten ponies are named.
There are nine ponies. Celestia didn't count herself.
Some formatting problems with quotes, likely copy/paste problem from an editor.
Yes, it was copy-pasted from an editor. I should have checked before submitting.
>>Ranmilia
The author might not have as much experience as some of the competition, but they're clearly trying and headed in the right direction, and I love seeing that. Thank you for writing and throwing your hat into the ring here! Take all the feedback into account, keep on writing and keep on learning!
Thank you! :-)
I found your feedback to be useful, constructive and encouraging, and I really appreciated it. I hope I'll be able to improve myself for the next contest.
