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Nonentropic
The morning in Ponyville shimmered; the morning in Ponyville shined.
And Starlight Glimmer was having absolutely none of it.
She stared into a totally average iced tea, the noise of the entirely nondescript outdoor café barely noticeable around her, and brooded.
Some of her mood was probably whiplash; fighting Twilight had been mentally and physically draining, and afterwards, accepting that offer of friendship had been one of the hardest things she'd ever done.
Well, the song afterwards had been nice.
And the cavalcade.
The cake.
But… shouldn't she feel better than this, after being redeemed?
Twilight would start looking for her soon. She would wonder why the guest bed was empty, why her new friend snuck out.
Starlight swirled her ice-cubes and vaguely considered heading back.
"Why the long face?"
"Huh?" She looked up, her annoyance at being interrupted changing to surprise as a leonine, snakey, horned-and-clawed something slithered into the seat across from her and propped its chin up on one paw.
She had heard of him. "You're Discord!"
"Tsk." He waved away her surprise. "And you're Starlight Glimmer. And? Why so serious?" he rubbed his jaw. "Afraid they secretly hate you?" he asked, waving at the other patrons. "Worried Twilight's hiding a grudge? Hungover on cake?"
"No." She smiled, slightly. "And no, nopony here even knows what I did, after it was undone. And…" For a moment, she saw Twilight's bright grin and sparkling eyes and outstretched hoof. "And no. She was sincere."
"I was. Am. Sometimes. Everypony knows what I did, and I'm not very good at… trust." He shrugged. "I'd suggest two aspirin and a water of glass."
"I'm not hungover." She studied him. Discord was the last person she would have sought out, but if he didn't have bigger issues than her, nopony did.
"So how do you deal with it?" She surreptitiously scanned the café, hoping to catch a guarded whisper or nervous glance.
"Oh, my usual." He yawned. "Cake. Turn their houses inside out. Be so self-centered I stop caring." He snapped, creating a glass of tea. "It's easy when the universe literally revolves around you."
"But… that's precisely what got me into trouble." Starlight frowned pensively. "Our town. Starswirl's spell. All of that, that was me being wrapped up in myself, ignoring how other ponies felt, what my anger was destroying. I didn't even try and find my friend, Sunburst."
"But, now you're doing the whole friendship thing." Discord took a bite of tea.
"Right?" She laughed bitterly.
"So?"
"So I didn't wake up one morning and think: 'hey, stripping away ponies most intimate magic is a good idea!' 'Turning the whole world into a scorched wasteland sounds peachy!' 'How about giving up on my best friend, huh, that sounds wonderful!'" She took a gulp of tea. "I just, sort of, worked my way into it. I'm not even sure how." She sighed. "Looking back, it all seems so stupid. Yesterday, I asked Twilight how I could make sure it didn't end up happening again. You know how she replied?"
Discord quirked an eyebrow.
"She said 'I guess it's up to you to make sure of it'," She rubbed her forehead.
"I could help you with that." Discord smirked. "Just—" he raised a claw, poised to snap "—remake your mind, reach deep into your psyche and change you on a fundamental level, make you the kindest, most honest, loyal, generous, friendly and happy pony in this town." His fangs glinted.
A shiver ran down her spine.
"Buuuuut…" His smirk softened into a smile. "I don't do that sort of thing anymore."
"Is it… hard?"
"You. Have. No. Idea." For a moment, deep in his eyes, something glinted. "But I have a conscience now. She's yellow and timid and told me to come talk to you, and she helps me with it. I'm sure you can find your own." He waved. "The place is lousy with them."
"Does…" Starlight's voice lowered, until she was nearly whispering. "Does it get easier?"
"It does. Did. Sometimes." He gave her a bitter smile. "You'll certainly be fine."
"I'm not absolutely sure of that." She smiled back, weakly. "But… thanks."
And Starlight Glimmer was having absolutely none of it.
She stared into a totally average iced tea, the noise of the entirely nondescript outdoor café barely noticeable around her, and brooded.
Some of her mood was probably whiplash; fighting Twilight had been mentally and physically draining, and afterwards, accepting that offer of friendship had been one of the hardest things she'd ever done.
Well, the song afterwards had been nice.
And the cavalcade.
The cake.
But… shouldn't she feel better than this, after being redeemed?
Twilight would start looking for her soon. She would wonder why the guest bed was empty, why her new friend snuck out.
Starlight swirled her ice-cubes and vaguely considered heading back.
"Why the long face?"
"Huh?" She looked up, her annoyance at being interrupted changing to surprise as a leonine, snakey, horned-and-clawed something slithered into the seat across from her and propped its chin up on one paw.
She had heard of him. "You're Discord!"
"Tsk." He waved away her surprise. "And you're Starlight Glimmer. And? Why so serious?" he rubbed his jaw. "Afraid they secretly hate you?" he asked, waving at the other patrons. "Worried Twilight's hiding a grudge? Hungover on cake?"
"No." She smiled, slightly. "And no, nopony here even knows what I did, after it was undone. And…" For a moment, she saw Twilight's bright grin and sparkling eyes and outstretched hoof. "And no. She was sincere."
"I was. Am. Sometimes. Everypony knows what I did, and I'm not very good at… trust." He shrugged. "I'd suggest two aspirin and a water of glass."
"I'm not hungover." She studied him. Discord was the last person she would have sought out, but if he didn't have bigger issues than her, nopony did.
"So how do you deal with it?" She surreptitiously scanned the café, hoping to catch a guarded whisper or nervous glance.
"Oh, my usual." He yawned. "Cake. Turn their houses inside out. Be so self-centered I stop caring." He snapped, creating a glass of tea. "It's easy when the universe literally revolves around you."
"But… that's precisely what got me into trouble." Starlight frowned pensively. "Our town. Starswirl's spell. All of that, that was me being wrapped up in myself, ignoring how other ponies felt, what my anger was destroying. I didn't even try and find my friend, Sunburst."
"But, now you're doing the whole friendship thing." Discord took a bite of tea.
"Right?" She laughed bitterly.
"So?"
"So I didn't wake up one morning and think: 'hey, stripping away ponies most intimate magic is a good idea!' 'Turning the whole world into a scorched wasteland sounds peachy!' 'How about giving up on my best friend, huh, that sounds wonderful!'" She took a gulp of tea. "I just, sort of, worked my way into it. I'm not even sure how." She sighed. "Looking back, it all seems so stupid. Yesterday, I asked Twilight how I could make sure it didn't end up happening again. You know how she replied?"
Discord quirked an eyebrow.
"She said 'I guess it's up to you to make sure of it'," She rubbed her forehead.
"I could help you with that." Discord smirked. "Just—" he raised a claw, poised to snap "—remake your mind, reach deep into your psyche and change you on a fundamental level, make you the kindest, most honest, loyal, generous, friendly and happy pony in this town." His fangs glinted.
A shiver ran down her spine.
"Buuuuut…" His smirk softened into a smile. "I don't do that sort of thing anymore."
"Is it… hard?"
"You. Have. No. Idea." For a moment, deep in his eyes, something glinted. "But I have a conscience now. She's yellow and timid and told me to come talk to you, and she helps me with it. I'm sure you can find your own." He waved. "The place is lousy with them."
"Does…" Starlight's voice lowered, until she was nearly whispering. "Does it get easier?"
"It does. Did. Sometimes." He gave her a bitter smile. "You'll certainly be fine."
"I'm not absolutely sure of that." She smiled back, weakly. "But… thanks."
It's a good little heart to heart conversation piece but it feels very cliche to me. A lot of the dialogue sounds very familiar to other things I have read before
It is very well written, and Discord and Starlight have this weird sort of symmetry to me which works nicely.
So far it's in the upper-middle of my slate.
It is very well written, and Discord and Starlight have this weird sort of symmetry to me which works nicely.
So far it's in the upper-middle of my slate.
Strong, evocative writing with a decent bit of banter. My only complaint, and it's a minor one, is that it didn't feel particularly substantial, but I'll chalk that up to the limits of the format we have to work with. Overall, I felt like it was a decent piece to read, and would like to see something of a series like this (the villain's support group meetups, of a sort).
I like this in general. It's a nice conversation about redemption and what it takes, and I can't help but think there's a subtle nod to how ridiculously abrupt Starlight's redemption was. Discord makes a good counterpoint to discuss the matter. But as >>Whitbane noted, the idea in a broader sense isn't new, which hurts it just a little.
My only big complaint is that Discord just... 'shows up'. I can't help but feel as though the introduction between these two could have been handled in a smoother fashion.
My only big complaint is that Discord just... 'shows up'. I can't help but feel as though the introduction between these two could have been handled in a smoother fashion.
I think this is really nice. It's not doing anything groundbreaking with its characters, but there's definitely enough emotional grit here to make it feel like it means something.
To me, your biggest issue is probably the hook. Your two opening lines are great, but then the next few hundred words feel a bit like filler. The reader doesn't really have a solid idea about where the story's heading, even after Discord shows up. When they finally start talking about their issues in earnest, things pick right back up again, but that still leaves a bit of deadspace in the beginning and middle. Try to consistently give your reader a reason to keep reading, even at the risk of showing your hand a bit early. It's very important for the reader to get a feel of the direction of a minific ASAP, so don't be too subtle with your roadsigns.
To me, your biggest issue is probably the hook. Your two opening lines are great, but then the next few hundred words feel a bit like filler. The reader doesn't really have a solid idea about where the story's heading, even after Discord shows up. When they finally start talking about their issues in earnest, things pick right back up again, but that still leaves a bit of deadspace in the beginning and middle. Try to consistently give your reader a reason to keep reading, even at the risk of showing your hand a bit early. It's very important for the reader to get a feel of the direction of a minific ASAP, so don't be too subtle with your roadsigns.
It took me a second read, but I like this.
Some of the dialog can be confusing; sometimes it's answering a question from before instead of reacting to the last line, or responding to what was unsaid instead of what was said. However, on rereading I realized that made it feel organic; less like a written conversation than a spoken one. Which is kind of interesting, even if I was left confused on the first read.
Some of the dialog can be confusing; sometimes it's answering a question from before instead of reacting to the last line, or responding to what was unsaid instead of what was said. However, on rereading I realized that made it feel organic; less like a written conversation than a spoken one. Which is kind of interesting, even if I was left confused on the first read.
There’s a lot to like here, Writer. I agree with >>PaulAsaran, this is a nice way to redress the abruptness of Starlight Glimmer’s ascension into the upper echelons of friendship demigodhood. Both Discord and Starlight feel in-character and on-point for most of the story.
However, something doesn’t gel with me in the paragraph that starts, “So I didn’t wake up one morning and think”. I can’t put my finger on what, exactly, but both times I’ve read through this story, it felt less like it was Starlight saying these words, and more like it was you, Writer, almost in defense of the story you’re telling. It’s not even necessarily out of character for Starlight - she is prone to bouts of blunt sarcasm - but even so, this rant, which the story is clearly building towards, threw me out of the story. It might be that her rhetoric here feels a bit too on the nose, at least for me.
That's really the only problematic part for me, though. The story ends on a particularly strong note - I love how Discord refers to Fluttershy has his conscience, and how he refers to Ponyville as being “lousy” with potential consciences for herself. Dehumanizing (deponifying? w/e) the citizens of Ponyville like that is just deliciously Discord, and the dialogue continues on strong to the end.
Final Thought: I like to think this is canon.
However, something doesn’t gel with me in the paragraph that starts, “So I didn’t wake up one morning and think”. I can’t put my finger on what, exactly, but both times I’ve read through this story, it felt less like it was Starlight saying these words, and more like it was you, Writer, almost in defense of the story you’re telling. It’s not even necessarily out of character for Starlight - she is prone to bouts of blunt sarcasm - but even so, this rant, which the story is clearly building towards, threw me out of the story. It might be that her rhetoric here feels a bit too on the nose, at least for me.
That's really the only problematic part for me, though. The story ends on a particularly strong note - I love how Discord refers to Fluttershy has his conscience, and how he refers to Ponyville as being “lousy” with potential consciences for herself. Dehumanizing (deponifying? w/e) the citizens of Ponyville like that is just deliciously Discord, and the dialogue continues on strong to the end.
Final Thought: I like to think this is canon.
While the concept is something that gets done time and time again, seeing this come almost two years after the finale it's based on is actually a sort of pleasant look into the past. And honestly, the characters are really strong here. This is a good short character snippet that with a little extra padding would be wonderful to see on the site. I guess I am just a sucker for both Starlight and Discord, but it felt real. They worked off each other very well here.
So yes: a little bit of padding, a little expansion, and you'll definitely be getting another read and a fave and an upvote from me when it hits FimFic.
So yes: a little bit of padding, a little expansion, and you'll definitely be getting another read and a fave and an upvote from me when it hits FimFic.
First off, congratulations to Cold in Gardez, Haze, and Pascoite! Excellent work in pulling ahead in what seemed like a very tight round! And it seems like there is some love for poetry in the writeoff after all. :)
>>regidar
>>Icenrose
>>Bremen
>>Bachiavellian
>>PaulAsaran
>>Ion-Sturm
>>Whitbane
Thanks for the comments, guys!
I wrote this using an 'idea exchange' with a friend; they didn't end up submitting, but they sent me a concept that gradually morphed into this. I'm pretty happy with how it turned out, although I definitely felt rusty while writing. I'm especially glad no-one called me out on my characterization of Starlight; I haven't actually watched many of the episodes she's in. >.>
The critiques here seemed to surround three main ideas: the opening felt weak, the idea didn't make a strong impact, and the conversation was confusing or a bit too glib.
As for the opening; some of that is, I think, because I didn't telegraph Starlight's distress quite as clearly as I maybe should have. the 'shouldn't she feel better than this, after being redeemed?' line could have probably come in sooner, and been given more weight. I did try and lampshade Discord just showing up with Fluttershy prodding him into it, but there's probably a better way to introduce him, as well.
The idea making a strong impact... that's kinda a casualty of my writing process, I think. I should have started composing earlier, and focused more on the emotional core as I wrote. As it was, this kinda morphed from 'instant redemption could really mess someone up' to a 'change doesn't happen overnight' sorta thing. I'm fairly happy with how it turned out, but deepening the emotional arc would have definitely been good. Communicating the depths of Starlight's emotions more clearly really wouldn't hurt, either.
As for the conversation being confusing, or too obviously scripted... this story probably got what I think of as 'edit-burn', where I went over it too many times and smoothed out too much of my natural variation that comes in during the first writing, which is stuff that often helps with flow and characterization. I edited it several times and cut it a bit, to get below 750 words... only to find out that the writeoff word-counter differed from my word processor by nearly fifty words. :/ At that point, though, I was over it, and headed to bed.
This was a great round for reading, and I'm glad I placed as high as I did. Thanks for the votes, everyone!
>>regidar
>>Icenrose
>>Bremen
>>Bachiavellian
>>PaulAsaran
>>Ion-Sturm
>>Whitbane
Thanks for the comments, guys!
I wrote this using an 'idea exchange' with a friend; they didn't end up submitting, but they sent me a concept that gradually morphed into this. I'm pretty happy with how it turned out, although I definitely felt rusty while writing. I'm especially glad no-one called me out on my characterization of Starlight; I haven't actually watched many of the episodes she's in. >.>
The critiques here seemed to surround three main ideas: the opening felt weak, the idea didn't make a strong impact, and the conversation was confusing or a bit too glib.
As for the opening; some of that is, I think, because I didn't telegraph Starlight's distress quite as clearly as I maybe should have. the 'shouldn't she feel better than this, after being redeemed?' line could have probably come in sooner, and been given more weight. I did try and lampshade Discord just showing up with Fluttershy prodding him into it, but there's probably a better way to introduce him, as well.
The idea making a strong impact... that's kinda a casualty of my writing process, I think. I should have started composing earlier, and focused more on the emotional core as I wrote. As it was, this kinda morphed from 'instant redemption could really mess someone up' to a 'change doesn't happen overnight' sorta thing. I'm fairly happy with how it turned out, but deepening the emotional arc would have definitely been good. Communicating the depths of Starlight's emotions more clearly really wouldn't hurt, either.
As for the conversation being confusing, or too obviously scripted... this story probably got what I think of as 'edit-burn', where I went over it too many times and smoothed out too much of my natural variation that comes in during the first writing, which is stuff that often helps with flow and characterization. I edited it several times and cut it a bit, to get below 750 words... only to find out that the writeoff word-counter differed from my word processor by nearly fifty words. :/ At that point, though, I was over it, and headed to bed.
This was a great round for reading, and I'm glad I placed as high as I did. Thanks for the votes, everyone!