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Well, I saw that coming pretty quick. This is fairly one-note, but it's a pretty decent emotional note.
DISCLAIMER: DO NOT READ THIS REVIEW UNTIL YOU'VE READ THE STORY. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOUR FIRST READ OF THIS STORY WAS FOR INTERPRETATION PURPOSES, AND READING THIS REVIEW WILL CONTAMINATE YOUR OPINION.
This story I think will be subject to a lot of debate in the coming future in regards to the author's intentions. I had been singing this story's praises in the Discord chat, when fellow write-offer and perennial silver medalist, Cold in Gardez messaged me. To my surprise, he had a completely different read of the events that transpired that completely contrasted with my personal read. Upon rereading this entry, I again surprised to see that his read held quite a lot of traction and was well-backed by the evidence established in universe. Even more surprising was the fact that my read was also just as well-founded as Gardez's. We acknowledge the plausibility of the other's interpretation and find them to be equally valid.
The differences between Gardez and my reads are spoilered below:
I believed that the "wings" are actual parasites of an unknown nature that the protagonist is mistaking for wings that are slowly destroying his body.
Gardez believed that the protagonist is actually a changeling undergoing some sort of metamorphosis.
Author, I highly suggest if you intended to write what Gardez believed that you lie through your teeth about it and say it was your intention all along to write my interpretation. Reading it under Gardez's interpretation makes the story seem cheap and questionable at best with the reveal, whereas under my read it becomes a rather effective and creepy horror story.
The child's perspective is a good device employed to contrast the hopeful optimism of Blinky with the the rather grim circumstances of his living conditions and affliction. It is a subtle thing, sometimes veering a bit overboard in regards to how naive Blinky can seem, but overall a good direction decision by the author. This piece (under my read) has atmosphere in spades, and radiates dread for a reader able to read between the lines and address the reality of Blinky's situation with how he approaches it.
That being said, the story does falter a bit in the execution department. Part of why there is even a debate between Gardez and I about what the significance of the wings are comes from the rather piecemeal and unhelpful description given to their emerged form. I still can't quite formulate what they are intended to resemble or what they look like despite the fact that they given a full-fledged paragraph in the narrative discussing that exact subject.
There are a lot of things that I still don't quite understand the significance of, which unfortunately is sort of the result of the perspective, since the protagonist is a child that doesn't understand what is happening to him either. It's all just a mite bit too vague for what it is going for.
The first scene I think is slightly mismanaged in terms of direction. It is sort of distracting to wonder about all the ins and outs of why an earth pony is up in Cloudsdale and the practicality of that combined with the apparent economic burden that it places on Blinky's family. Ultimately, you only need to establish that Blinky's family is poor, and that he's always wanted to fly. Setting the story in Cloudsdale sort of muddles this by forcing the reader to ask more questions than necessary as to why the hell they are living there if they're forced into shabby housing. It's not a terrible decision by any means, but I found myself questioning why the explanation of Blinky's desire to fly had to be so unnecessarily complicated.
Additionally, the choice of Blinky and Winky I think really undermine the tone of the piece, especially since I was thinking of Pac Man the whole time. Blinky by himself is fine, but with Winky, it just sort of seems comically inappropriate for the mood of the piece—and by extension, the function of Winky's character. Also it is sort of strange that while Winky is mentioned in the first scene, she is never seen or heard from again for the rest of the story. I think Winky's inclusion is ultimately unnecessary for the progression of the piece, but could definitely fit in an expanded version of this story.
Like many stories written in a minific format, this story begs to be expanded. There really doesn't need to be a change to the beginning or end, but the middle needs to be expanded greatly for two reasons:
1. We can't properly emphasize with our protagonist in the limited timespan we're exposed to him.
2. The additional space will allow for a greater development of the sense of dread and more natural progression. As it stands currently, the story is a bit too blatant about its grim nature and moves it a bit too fast, and there is really no question that the "wings" are not the positive development that Blinky is expecting. There needs to be a bit more room for uncertainty, or at least, hope that things will turn out alright for our dear Blinky. Otherwise, it just seems like a dirge march.
Nonetheless, this was a lovely story (BUT ONLY UNDER MY READ), and I hope to see it continue into finals. I also hope to launch a bit of a debate over what the author's intentions were with this entry.
This story I think will be subject to a lot of debate in the coming future in regards to the author's intentions. I had been singing this story's praises in the Discord chat, when fellow write-offer and perennial silver medalist, Cold in Gardez messaged me. To my surprise, he had a completely different read of the events that transpired that completely contrasted with my personal read. Upon rereading this entry, I again surprised to see that his read held quite a lot of traction and was well-backed by the evidence established in universe. Even more surprising was the fact that my read was also just as well-founded as Gardez's. We acknowledge the plausibility of the other's interpretation and find them to be equally valid.
The differences between Gardez and my reads are spoilered below:
I believed that the "wings" are actual parasites of an unknown nature that the protagonist is mistaking for wings that are slowly destroying his body.
Gardez believed that the protagonist is actually a changeling undergoing some sort of metamorphosis.
Author, I highly suggest if you intended to write what Gardez believed that you lie through your teeth about it and say it was your intention all along to write my interpretation. Reading it under Gardez's interpretation makes the story seem cheap and questionable at best with the reveal, whereas under my read it becomes a rather effective and creepy horror story.
The child's perspective is a good device employed to contrast the hopeful optimism of Blinky with the the rather grim circumstances of his living conditions and affliction. It is a subtle thing, sometimes veering a bit overboard in regards to how naive Blinky can seem, but overall a good direction decision by the author. This piece (under my read) has atmosphere in spades, and radiates dread for a reader able to read between the lines and address the reality of Blinky's situation with how he approaches it.
That being said, the story does falter a bit in the execution department. Part of why there is even a debate between Gardez and I about what the significance of the wings are comes from the rather piecemeal and unhelpful description given to their emerged form. I still can't quite formulate what they are intended to resemble or what they look like despite the fact that they given a full-fledged paragraph in the narrative discussing that exact subject.
There are a lot of things that I still don't quite understand the significance of, which unfortunately is sort of the result of the perspective, since the protagonist is a child that doesn't understand what is happening to him either. It's all just a mite bit too vague for what it is going for.
The first scene I think is slightly mismanaged in terms of direction. It is sort of distracting to wonder about all the ins and outs of why an earth pony is up in Cloudsdale and the practicality of that combined with the apparent economic burden that it places on Blinky's family. Ultimately, you only need to establish that Blinky's family is poor, and that he's always wanted to fly. Setting the story in Cloudsdale sort of muddles this by forcing the reader to ask more questions than necessary as to why the hell they are living there if they're forced into shabby housing. It's not a terrible decision by any means, but I found myself questioning why the explanation of Blinky's desire to fly had to be so unnecessarily complicated.
Additionally, the choice of Blinky and Winky I think really undermine the tone of the piece, especially since I was thinking of Pac Man the whole time. Blinky by himself is fine, but with Winky, it just sort of seems comically inappropriate for the mood of the piece—and by extension, the function of Winky's character. Also it is sort of strange that while Winky is mentioned in the first scene, she is never seen or heard from again for the rest of the story. I think Winky's inclusion is ultimately unnecessary for the progression of the piece, but could definitely fit in an expanded version of this story.
Like many stories written in a minific format, this story begs to be expanded. There really doesn't need to be a change to the beginning or end, but the middle needs to be expanded greatly for two reasons:
1. We can't properly emphasize with our protagonist in the limited timespan we're exposed to him.
2. The additional space will allow for a greater development of the sense of dread and more natural progression. As it stands currently, the story is a bit too blatant about its grim nature and moves it a bit too fast, and there is really no question that the "wings" are not the positive development that Blinky is expecting. There needs to be a bit more room for uncertainty, or at least, hope that things will turn out alright for our dear Blinky. Otherwise, it just seems like a dirge march.
Nonetheless, this was a lovely story (BUT ONLY UNDER MY READ), and I hope to see it continue into finals. I also hope to launch a bit of a debate over what the author's intentions were with this entry.
Trixie seems to be coming through very clear here, which is great. The narrator is pretty opaque to me, though. Even just some idea of who it actually is would be nice, I think. Probably Starlight? Maybe Twilight? Why do they wish they weren't there?
Eh. Telling a story through narration like this lets you pack in a lot, but it lessens the emotional impact. The stinger brings in a bit, but it doesn't really feel supported by the body of the story; your meta isn't pulling it's weight all the way through.
Props for trying something out-there, though.
Props for trying something out-there, though.
The cockroach bit had me wondering if this was really a pony, and later, what cockroaches had to do with anything here. The adventure is cute, but I'm not sure the paranoia/bugs/assassin bit really played into the ending as strongly as I'd have liked.
Plusalso, if this guy is sharp enough to survive in the mountains, surely he has some idea of what the wildlife is like and how to deal with it? I dunno. The writing is strong, but the plot feels shaky, even if the emotional beats do seem to work.
Plusalso, if this guy is sharp enough to survive in the mountains, surely he has some idea of what the wildlife is like and how to deal with it? I dunno. The writing is strong, but the plot feels shaky, even if the emotional beats do seem to work.
So... Twilight destroyed world+dog because of revenge or maybe friendship? That's pretty bleak, and a bit of a hard sell, tbh. Especially since a 'killed the adulterers' thing makes most sense in a heat-of-the-moment. (For an example of how this sort of convoluted revenge scheme can work with that, try Alfred Bester's 'The Men Who Murdered Mohammed'.) Still, the emotional punch here is pretty decent, and I like that.
This is cute and pleasant and fits the season. I like it! I'd like something of a better idea on what got Octavia here; what they talk about that helps her, but as is, it's still very nice.
I was humming this song when I read this.
This has probably the most complete emotional arc I've seen yet this round, and the prose and imagery is very pleasant to boot. I didn't catch on that it was child!Starlight until a bit late, though; a little more care in framing the narrative might help.
This has probably the most complete emotional arc I've seen yet this round, and the prose and imagery is very pleasant to boot. I didn't catch on that it was child!Starlight until a bit late, though; a little more care in framing the narrative might help.
I don't know how much this fic actually benefits from its formatting. It gives it a poetic vibe, which is then carried further by the bits of rhythm and rhyme. It's an airy read, nice enough to be inoffensive but not tight enough to entice me. A few lines could do with re-wording, like the line "Whatever was lost, it will be impossible to recover it." I can't put my finger on it, but it doesn't have the right amount of... poetry, I suppose.
This is something that requires a lot more than 750 words to get down, especially if you're going to address the dozens of questions that will come from pretty much anyone who has seen the movie. Not bad in concept, I suppose, but I don't think this contest is the time or place to try it.
Ghost girlfriend is a decent idea for this round. What you did works well, and I don't have any overarching criticisms. The only thing that got me was the line "trying and failing to manage bravado despite ." I'm thinking a word might have been deleted here, but I can't figure out what it could be.
Even though this is a suicide fic, I think giving it a more upbeat tone at the end was a good choice.
Oh, and I saw that contrast between the heat at the start and the cold at the end. You sly author you.
Even though this is a suicide fic, I think giving it a more upbeat tone at the end was a good choice.
Oh, and I saw that contrast between the heat at the start and the cold at the end. You sly author you.
>>Cassius
I'm with Gardez on this (I read the story before your review) because not only is the idea that the wings are a parasite more difficult to reconcile in-world, as far as I can tell, the best support for that reading mostly comes from the title. The thing is, changelings are also parasites, so it's not too far-fetched to say that it applies there.
Moreover, changelings in mythology were faeries/demons/somethings that were swapped out for real children, so they would be raised by humans.
I think the problem here is that there's no hint as to where the wings come from, except possibly the wishing; but that doesn't really ever tie back in. Establish some idea of where this starts, and it'll probably clear up the interpretations.
As for what the wings look like, the 'blackish-clearish-green' seems to fit changeling coloring, and the 'buzzy' bit definitely evoked insects for me. OTOH, the 'metallic taste' seems counter to that. Bugs don't taste particularly metallic; I've eaten several. :P Unless that's supposed to be his blood?
I agree with your comments about Winky entirely. Honestly, I'd suggest changing the opening 'it was all my fault' bit to have his dad say it to him; foreshadow him leaving, and lay some groundwork for what seems like family issues later.
Anyways, the contrast between childlike innocence and body horror works quite well here. I don't particularly enjoy this sort of story myself, but it's definitely well-crafted.
I'm with Gardez on this (I read the story before your review) because not only is the idea that the wings are a parasite more difficult to reconcile in-world, as far as I can tell, the best support for that reading mostly comes from the title. The thing is, changelings are also parasites, so it's not too far-fetched to say that it applies there.
Moreover, changelings in mythology were faeries/demons/somethings that were swapped out for real children, so they would be raised by humans.
I think the problem here is that there's no hint as to where the wings come from, except possibly the wishing; but that doesn't really ever tie back in. Establish some idea of where this starts, and it'll probably clear up the interpretations.
As for what the wings look like, the 'blackish-clearish-green' seems to fit changeling coloring, and the 'buzzy' bit definitely evoked insects for me. OTOH, the 'metallic taste' seems counter to that. Bugs don't taste particularly metallic; I've eaten several. :P Unless that's supposed to be his blood?
I agree with your comments about Winky entirely. Honestly, I'd suggest changing the opening 'it was all my fault' bit to have his dad say it to him; foreshadow him leaving, and lay some groundwork for what seems like family issues later.
Anyways, the contrast between childlike innocence and body horror works quite well here. I don't particularly enjoy this sort of story myself, but it's definitely well-crafted.
I entirely failed to digest this. I think it would have been a lot better without the encoded message, as all that adds for me is frustration during the read, which isn't counterbalanced enough by a 'huh, kinda neat' after reading Quill's decoding.
A common concept that can work wonders if handled properly. The problem I have with this one is that there's so much effort put into describing the problem that we aren't allowed to grasp Sweetie Drops' emotional state. Given the last paragraph, I imagine there's supposed to be loss, confusion and fear in there, but no time has been taken to show us that for most of the story. As such, it relies entirely on the reader generating their own emotional response, rather than the story generating it for them.
Great idea, flawed execution. Still a worthwhile read.
Great idea, flawed execution. Still a worthwhile read.
It's a bit odd. Your word choice and grammar are fine, but you don't know how to format dialogue tags:
correct:
The dialogue is a bit wooden in the beginning, but it got better at the end, almost like it took some time for you to get into the characters' heads. I can't explain what I mean by "wooden dialogue", but it just felt off. Like:
This sounds more like the abstract idea of what Twilight would say, rather than what she actually would say.
Good job nonetheless!
“I dunno. Go crazy and tear the library apart would be my guess.” He snarked back, weakly fending off her hoof.
correct:
"I dunno. Go crazy and tear the library apart would be my guess," he snarked back, weakly fending off her hoof.
The dialogue is a bit wooden in the beginning, but it got better at the end, almost like it took some time for you to get into the characters' heads. I can't explain what I mean by "wooden dialogue", but it just felt off. Like:
There, there, Spike. I’m sure this will pass soon, and you’ll be back impressing Rarity in no time.
This sounds more like the abstract idea of what Twilight would say, rather than what she actually would say.
Good job nonetheless!
Making a direct comparison between your work and the work of a well-known author can be a double-edged sword. For those who enjoyed "The Raven" seeing a story that makes literary allusions to it might be a plus. This story doesn't compare favorably to "The Raven." It has none of the manic drive created by Poe's rhythmic narrations, his lyrical libations, to be anything but a story-shaped sedation.
Okay I'm kidding. This was weird and I don't know how to critique it. The story is nonsensical, but it was made to be nonsensical.
I'm sure there's a play on "Poe's Law" that'd also be apt here.
And his name is spelled Owlowiscious!
Okay I'm kidding. This was weird and I don't know how to critique it. The story is nonsensical, but it was made to be nonsensical.
I'm sure there's a play on "Poe's Law" that'd also be apt here.
And his name is spelled Owlowiscious!
Well, that was entirely unexpected. I liked this, even if it left more questions than answers. they're the good kind of questions. I don't think it's the most obvious thing that's going on, but at the same time, what else could it be?
Definitely the best I've read so far. But now I'd like to read the other comments and see what people are getting out of this.
Definitely the best I've read so far. But now I'd like to read the other comments and see what people are getting out of this.
A clever use of poetry. The haiku format gives just enough of an image to each day. The effect of them all strung together is quite impressive. While I would have liked it better if there had been more to it than the average slice-of-life affair, it's still a strong entry.
Something about internal monologues analyzing situations like this makes me happy. Ya, I really liked this one.
>>Cassius
I feel like this could've been worded better.
I read the story, and I read this comment, and you offer some really helpful criticism, but... also that.
Author, I highly suggest if you intended to write what Gardez believed that you lie through your teeth about it and say it was your intention all along to write my interpretation.
I feel like this could've been worded better.
I read the story, and I read this comment, and you offer some really helpful criticism, but... also that.
The comedic tone you set by starting off with a joke about how the author can't properly operate a speech-to-text program ill-serves the rest of the story. If the ending also had a comedic tone it would be less of an issue, but it seems to be serious. Unless it is supposed to be double-irony because of the bad writing. Well, I liked some of the stream-of-consciousness imagery at least.
>>Cassius
>>Monokeras
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Whitbane
>>FrontSevens
I agree with CoG that his interpretation makes more sense overall, and connecting it with the traditional mythology of changelings sells it for me. It's a great idea that could be expanded into something all the more terrible than what this one shot allows.
That said, think Cassius's version makes for a much better horror story concept for a one shot.
>>Monokeras
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Whitbane
>>FrontSevens
I agree with CoG that his interpretation makes more sense overall, and connecting it with the traditional mythology of changelings sells it for me. It's a great idea that could be expanded into something all the more terrible than what this one shot allows.
That said, think Cassius's version makes for a much better horror story concept for a one shot.
I'm lost on this one. The ending confused me completely. There's a laughing motif that seems to imply it's actually crying, and there's a ghost that's not a ghost and another girl... I genuinely have no idea what is going on.
I really enjoyed the ending. It's a great job when a few words can turn the entire story on its head. Some of the meta humor feels a bit out of place if I'm reading into the ending correctly, but other than that, it is a very enjoyable short.
The concept of this story is fantastic but I feel as if the conversation should have had more of an impact or been drawn out a bit more. It is only a few lines and then the story ends really abruptly.
That being said, this is really good.
That being said, this is really good.
A nice little exchange between Spike and Twilight, certainly full of emotion and heartwarming.
The conflict in the story is a bit lacking, as it is mostly just dialogue, but it is a good read.
The conflict in the story is a bit lacking, as it is mostly just dialogue, but it is a good read.
It feels like there almost a tonal conflict in the story, as it swaps back between being serious and trying to be funny. The entire concept of the Nightmare just crashing at Twilight's place after being kicked out by Luna is absolutely great, and set the story up to be weird roommate shenanigans, especially with lines like "Can I eat your brain real quick?"
But then the ending is completely off from the rest of the story.
I still enjoyed the piece, though, just offering my thoughts.
But then the ending is completely off from the rest of the story.
I still enjoyed the piece, though, just offering my thoughts.
>>Cassius
>>Not_A_Hat
>>PaulAsaran
>>FrontSevens
I think neither Cassius’s nor Gardez’s interpretations account for the whole thing. What is that metallic thing the foal bites, and why does the father leave?
The last one seems to account for the fact that the father suddenly realised that he’s not the foal’s true father.
Maybe the foal is half-dragon? Dragon scales would account for the metallic tang.
But this is opened to further discussion of course.
And yeah, this is a good read.
>>Not_A_Hat
>>PaulAsaran
>>FrontSevens
I think neither Cassius’s nor Gardez’s interpretations account for the whole thing. What is that metallic thing the foal bites, and why does the father leave?
The last one seems to account for the fact that the father suddenly realised that he’s not the foal’s true father.
Maybe the foal is half-dragon? Dragon scales would account for the metallic tang.
But this is opened to further discussion of course.
And yeah, this is a good read.
I have to agree with >>Not_A_Hat
I searched through the story to see if there were clues to the narrator's identity but I did not figure anything out.
The concept is great, and the writing in the story definitely packs a punch. Really good.
I searched through the story to see if there were clues to the narrator's identity but I did not figure anything out.
The concept is great, and the writing in the story definitely packs a punch. Really good.
I was expecting the prank to be letting Rainbow freak out over whether or not there was actually a prank.
Still though, lighthearted and funny! A really nice, little story.
Still though, lighthearted and funny! A really nice, little story.
>>Monokeras
I think the metallic taste is the taste of blood. it's implied that he chewed himself almost to the bone in a sort of psychotic episode.
I'm not sold on the changeling idea. I don't really see any hints at changelings and not sure how becoming a foals wings will gain them love.
I think the metallic taste is the taste of blood. it's implied that he chewed himself almost to the bone in a sort of psychotic episode.
I'm not sold on the changeling idea. I don't really see any hints at changelings and not sure how becoming a foals wings will gain them love.
>>thisisalongname
I’m not convinced blood tastes metallic. I’ve eaten a lot of raw (tartare) meat, boudin noir (which is cooked pork blood), and of course I sucked small cuts. I never found that blood tasted metallic to me.
It smells metallic. Very distinctive iron odour.
I’m not convinced blood tastes metallic. I’ve eaten a lot of raw (tartare) meat, boudin noir (which is cooked pork blood), and of course I sucked small cuts. I never found that blood tasted metallic to me.
It smells metallic. Very distinctive iron odour.
>>Monokeras
It is pretty universally stated that blood tastes like metal, sometimes iron or copper, but still metallic in taste.
It is pretty universally stated that blood tastes like metal, sometimes iron or copper, but still metallic in taste.
>>thisisalongname
I’m a mutant :P
I’m wondering why anyone takes for granted that what grows on the foal’s sides are wings. The fact that the foal believes it doesn’t make it true.
I’m a mutant :P
I’m wondering why anyone takes for granted that what grows on the foal’s sides are wings. The fact that the foal believes it doesn’t make it true.
Wouldn't the body rot under the table and totally stink the place up?
I know it's a stupid question, just nitpicking.
I know it's a stupid question, just nitpicking.
In the first l paragraph, I initially read 'not just been set on fire' as 'not only been set on fire.' As this was apparently accomplished by a snow bed, needless to say, I was confused.
The dialog and characterization was amusing, both the one-sided bit with gummy and the Rainbow's perspective.
I was figuring that the prank was Rainbow outthinking herself and then missing out on the cider as a result.
The cake twist was amusing, but then I wasn't sure what actually happened with the drink apparently being hot. Was there some foreshadowing I missed, or is it just really potent?
The dialog and characterization was amusing, both the one-sided bit with gummy and the Rainbow's perspective.
I was figuring that the prank was Rainbow outthinking herself and then missing out on the cider as a result.
The cake twist was amusing, but then I wasn't sure what actually happened with the drink apparently being hot. Was there some foreshadowing I missed, or is it just really potent?
>>Cassius
I'm with Gardez. Also, when I read Blinky, I thought about Pinkie's sisters.
Also: >>FrontSevens
I'm with Gardez. Also, when I read Blinky, I thought about Pinkie's sisters.
Also: >>FrontSevens
Ouch, that one sentence near the end is so tragically perfect.
Definitely a nice twist with the varying lifespans. I liked this one!
Definitely a nice twist with the varying lifespans. I liked this one!
Count me as another that was left confused by this story. The girl was floating, but maybe wasn't a ghost? I think the idea for this story is good, but maybe the word limit hit it harder than most.
Yeah, I knew this prompt would mean a lot of sad stories.
This is a touching fic, and says what it needs to and no more. We don't even find out who's dead, and it doesn't matter. It's an evocative mood piece.
One thing I noticed; "What can she say to Luna?" feels like it should be "What could she say to Luna?"
This is a touching fic, and says what it needs to and no more. We don't even find out who's dead, and it doesn't matter. It's an evocative mood piece.
One thing I noticed; "What can she say to Luna?" feels like it should be "What could she say to Luna?"
War takes a heavy toll, at home and abroad. I gather this is a story from the Sombra War alternate timeline, and it makes a lot of sense (as Sweet Apple Acres was heavily industrialized there, and the hardships of war would mean difficult times).
It's a perfectly valid usage, but might I suggest changing the word "enrol" to "enlist"? It took me a bit to realize what that meant, since I associate enroll with a different meaning.
It's a perfectly valid usage, but might I suggest changing the word "enrol" to "enlist"? It took me a bit to realize what that meant, since I associate enroll with a different meaning.
This story is very well written, but, uh, to me it kinda just feels dark for the sake of being dark. There's no message here, no reveal, just melancholy sadness.
To be fair, there's only so much you can do in a minific, but it kinda feels like if the story is such a complete reversal of the show there should be some purpose behind it. Maybe that's just me, though.
To be fair, there's only so much you can do in a minific, but it kinda feels like if the story is such a complete reversal of the show there should be some purpose behind it. Maybe that's just me, though.
Writer, I can't even.
The meter is flawless, from what I can tell. While I'm not a fan of "pow'r" as an abbreviation (it's still a mouthful, and feels like breaking stride, even when it's not), I can hardly fault you for using it given the constraints you were working within.
My only real criticism (and it's a minor one) is the line "She wouldn't say why" in the curator's notes. It doesn't feel necessary, but even then it could be construed as a bit of characterization for an otherwise faceless character. But then that final line! That glorious final line in the notes just flies out of nowhere like an arrow to the chest. You've slain me, Writer. This is just. So. Good.
Final Thought:
Dear Writer, I will have you know
Your mortal blow has laid me low.
So straight to top of slate you go
On wings of heavy stone.
The meter is flawless, from what I can tell. While I'm not a fan of "pow'r" as an abbreviation (it's still a mouthful, and feels like breaking stride, even when it's not), I can hardly fault you for using it given the constraints you were working within.
My only real criticism (and it's a minor one) is the line "She wouldn't say why" in the curator's notes. It doesn't feel necessary, but even then it could be construed as a bit of characterization for an otherwise faceless character. But then that final line! That glorious final line in the notes just flies out of nowhere like an arrow to the chest. You've slain me, Writer. This is just. So. Good.
Final Thought:
Dear Writer, I will have you know
Your mortal blow has laid me low.
So straight to top of slate you go
On wings of heavy stone.
The idea is fair (however redolent of Nolan’s movie Memento) but the execution is lacking. It’s like the story is composed of an overstretched introduction followed by an abrupt conclusion. There is no real meat in between, just a blank space, so to speak.
It could work as a pure introspective piece, but you chose to add some horror/action in it, but instead of developing this aspect to the fullest, we just get a stub of horror and a swollen part of introspection which creates a strong unbalance.
Try to proportionate the two parts better, and you’ll be fine.
It could work as a pure introspective piece, but you chose to add some horror/action in it, but instead of developing this aspect to the fullest, we just get a stub of horror and a swollen part of introspection which creates a strong unbalance.
Try to proportionate the two parts better, and you’ll be fine.
Okay, so. Blade Runner-esque dystopian future Equestria. Unicorns rule everything, earth ponies are collared slaves. Every day, the slaves are given a new cutie mark, and sent off to whatever job they need to do. Today, they're cleaning a dead body off the highway. There's a lot of angst.
I don't get what's going on with the video of the pony running away. I don't know what the deeper plot is here besides "The character is enslaved, they don't like being enslaved." There's nothing deeper here for me to grab onto. And without any deeper plot, without any recognizable characters (our single character has neither a name nor a personality), and without any of the trappings of the MLP world, this falls flat for me.
I don't get what's going on with the video of the pony running away. I don't know what the deeper plot is here besides "The character is enslaved, they don't like being enslaved." There's nothing deeper here for me to grab onto. And without any deeper plot, without any recognizable characters (our single character has neither a name nor a personality), and without any of the trappings of the MLP world, this falls flat for me.
I wanted to hurry up and get to this story to see what all the comments were about. To quote Fry, "I don't regret this, but I both rue and lament this."
Not that that should be taken in any way as a slight against this story. I just have a particularly visceral reaction to body horror.
For what it's worth, when I first read this story (unspoiled, didn't even know what the title meant) I assumed it was some sort of body horror or disease/parasite. The changeling idea didn't occur to me and still doesn't really feel like it fits, to be honest.
Not that that should be taken in any way as a slight against this story. I just have a particularly visceral reaction to body horror.
For what it's worth, when I first read this story (unspoiled, didn't even know what the title meant) I assumed it was some sort of body horror or disease/parasite. The changeling idea didn't occur to me and still doesn't really feel like it fits, to be honest.
Agreed with >>Whitbane. The concept here is great, but the last scene is so at odds with everything that comes before, that it feels like the piece is trying to make a more serious point than it actually does. I hesitate to say that this should be longer, because I think it can be accomplished in just three scenes. But it needs to be more clear how the third scene works thematically and tonally.
The voting times have been changed to 5/3 days so that people can post their entries elsewhere before Halloween.
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
I think the video was just to tell the pony "Ok, your job is done, now get out before any of the unicorns have to see your dirty face"
I think the video was just to tell the pony "Ok, your job is done, now get out before any of the unicorns have to see your dirty face"
This is sweet, but there's nothing here in plot or characterization that's original. I appreciated the lines about singeing Celestia's "projection" tail, and Twilight's uncertainty about the apple soup, but those seemed like the most unique details here. And I think that it's that sort of uniqueness that can push stories like this beyond just mere "sweetness" and into "fully fleshed out relationship" territory. Get more creative with Spike and Twi's past/interactions, and it'll help this story excel.
Grand Wizard Sunburst
uhhhhhhhh
Otherwise, yeah, this was pretty cool. I'm not sure about the title—Manifest Destiny was more purposefully cruel than this—but it is terribly tragic, and I always love a well-written Sunburst. Prose is cool, and I like the ice giants as peaceful, rather than angry invader-types. Coolio. I'll be happy to see this go up on FiM.
EDIT:
Fridge Thought: Do they say in the show that there's a time limit for Crystallings? Like, a baby needs to go through the ceremony within a certain time period after birth? If not, why would they schedule a Crystalling, knowing that they're obviously at the brink of war because of the Crystallings?
>>thisisalongname
Could it be that he's hallucinated the wings?
There's the wait to go to the doctor, would would imply a certain sort of doctor.
If your child grew wings, you could take them to likely any doctor. If your child thinks he's grown wings, then you need a special doctor. Those cost money.
And considering that Mother has to stay home to stop him from eating himself, money might be hard to come by.
Could it be that he's hallucinated the wings?
There's the wait to go to the doctor, would would imply a certain sort of doctor.
If your child grew wings, you could take them to likely any doctor. If your child thinks he's grown wings, then you need a special doctor. Those cost money.
And considering that Mother has to stay home to stop him from eating himself, money might be hard to come by.
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
For what does happen, Grand Wizard does fit the tone. Considering the last sentence, the crystal ponies don't seem too perturbed.
For what does happen, Grand Wizard does fit the tone. Considering the last sentence, the crystal ponies don't seem too perturbed.
>>bloons3
The title implies it is a real parasite, but honestly it's all too vague for me. I've had a cold for past three days and am too tired to try and overthink it.
The title implies it is a real parasite, but honestly it's all too vague for me. I've had a cold for past three days and am too tired to try and overthink it.
Just turn the parentheticals into normal parts of the prose. And get rid of the last line. It's obvious from the location and the mention of "neighing" that we're dealing with Windigoes.
This is a fine enough story. But not very memorable. The three ponies blend together in my mind, with nothing to separate them. Gearbox and Highball seem like expys of Flim and Flam.
This is a fine enough story. But not very memorable. The three ponies blend together in my mind, with nothing to separate them. Gearbox and Highball seem like expys of Flim and Flam.
>>bloons3
If it turns out that was intention, I will eat at least 1/28th of a sock. Also, I will still argue against it.
If it turns out that was intention, I will eat at least 1/28th of a sock. Also, I will still argue against it.
Gotta say that my opinion lines up with Hat and Whit here, the main appeal of the story here is the worldbuilding. The writing is enough to carry the concept and give the emotional arc a bit of a punch, but the real meat here is the narrator and his job. I’d love to see this expanded with more focus on the narrator’s job leading up to this particular event.
The voice is strong and your prose is enjoyable, but I’m with Hat here on the basic premise and Twilight’s actions being a sort of hard sell. Perosnally I would ditch the romance aspect entirely as I’m not sure it adds a whole lot to the story? The general concept you have with the windego is great and you should be able to carry that on its own.
This story is all right. The opening line is pretty plain and could use some work, but once you get to the meat / the middle of the story, there's some good quality phrasing and flow and tone.
We've had a fair number of writeoffs, and a fair number of "can't think of writeoff entry ideas" type metafics. However, I want to give the author the benefit of the doubt, and see if there's something more here.
And please note: From this point on, I'm using "the author" to refer to the character and not the author irl. Otherwise, this feels too personal, and I want to offer criticism of the work, not of the irl author :o
There's kind of a theme of happiness here ([...] my only desire is to give her a happy life [...]). I like how there's sort of a dichotomy here, where the author wants to give Twilight a happy life, and yet she doesn't in the story presented. She wouldn't be out in a blizzard like this if she was happy / content with the way things were. Heck, Spike's got it worse. He's ancient, and long lost, and sounds almost resigned in his dialogue. And yet, all the author wants is for the characters of MLP to have happy lives. Maybe because the author, like Twilight and Spike, wants a happy life and currently doesn't have one?
There's also a kind of tangent that came to mind; the trade-off between creating something where the characters lead happy lives, and conflict. Because conflict is central to a story, right? Every story needs conflict. However, that means making the characters unhappy with their current situation and wanting something better. I'm thinking of this theme mainly because of the fact that the author's in this story, talking to us about writing and wanting the characters to have happy lives.
I'm not sure if there's another level to this. Otherwise, this doesn't really stand out in my mind from other "can't think of writeoff entry ideas" type metafics. It reads well. I'm just not sure what the takeaway is, and I guess it doesn't help that, as we see in the last line, the author isn't sure either.
We've had a fair number of writeoffs, and a fair number of "can't think of writeoff entry ideas" type metafics. However, I want to give the author the benefit of the doubt, and see if there's something more here.
And please note: From this point on, I'm using "the author" to refer to the character and not the author irl. Otherwise, this feels too personal, and I want to offer criticism of the work, not of the irl author :o
There's kind of a theme of happiness here ([...] my only desire is to give her a happy life [...]). I like how there's sort of a dichotomy here, where the author wants to give Twilight a happy life, and yet she doesn't in the story presented. She wouldn't be out in a blizzard like this if she was happy / content with the way things were. Heck, Spike's got it worse. He's ancient, and long lost, and sounds almost resigned in his dialogue. And yet, all the author wants is for the characters of MLP to have happy lives. Maybe because the author, like Twilight and Spike, wants a happy life and currently doesn't have one?
There's also a kind of tangent that came to mind; the trade-off between creating something where the characters lead happy lives, and conflict. Because conflict is central to a story, right? Every story needs conflict. However, that means making the characters unhappy with their current situation and wanting something better. I'm thinking of this theme mainly because of the fact that the author's in this story, talking to us about writing and wanting the characters to have happy lives.
I'm not sure if there's another level to this. Otherwise, this doesn't really stand out in my mind from other "can't think of writeoff entry ideas" type metafics. It reads well. I'm just not sure what the takeaway is, and I guess it doesn't help that, as we see in the last line, the author isn't sure either.
I actually really liked the strange combination of seriousness and comedy, and that part at the end was the perfect weird twist that made the entire thing even better imo. You wrote the Nightmare really well, I could almost imagine a bit of South Park Saddam in it especially during the seduction.
This one is going to hit the top of my slate, that was really good.
This one is going to hit the top of my slate, that was really good.
Really by the books and predictiable, but I kept reading it anyway and I wasn’t disappointed by anything that happened. It’s still an entertaining read despite not doing anything overly special.
Did Quill write this?
But seriously, really great prose. Professional. But aside from the prose, what else is here? I don’t find the story all that engaging, aside from some cute characterization on Twi’s part. I guess you could call it a horror story, but it’s not scary or disturbing. It’s just... there. And the horror element comes on too quickly.
Honestly, I’m not sure how I would change this story, because I don’t know what you’re going for. It’s well-written, but not emotionally engaging at all.
But seriously, really great prose. Professional. But aside from the prose, what else is here? I don’t find the story all that engaging, aside from some cute characterization on Twi’s part. I guess you could call it a horror story, but it’s not scary or disturbing. It’s just... there. And the horror element comes on too quickly.
Honestly, I’m not sure how I would change this story, because I don’t know what you’re going for. It’s well-written, but not emotionally engaging at all.
You don't really get a feel for their specific romance especially, or why Twilight and Rainbow ended up together in the first place, but this story didn't really need to tell that. It was a quaint and cute snapshot of a Twidash life, and it did its job very well. Personally, I would add this into a larger Twidash story because this is just the kind of scene that could really add some emotional and romantic depth to them in the face of a larger plot issue/conflict.
An interesting idea and nice, introspective writing. I assume the pony might be Burnt Oak (he would, after all, often be taking a cart to the forest), but the story doesn't really tell who it is other than a close friend of the family, and that works for me.
I was actually mildly surprised by the direction this story took. I had considered it briefly after the first few paragraphs but I, for whatever reason, thought this would go into a lighthearted comedy territory. I was wrong.
The writing is really solid, and although there are some minor formatting issues overall the pacing of the story alongside the conflict was pretty much as good as you were going to get with the minific limitations. Once again, this is another story I'd love to see properly expanded; however, this might benefit from only a slight bit more writing, not a ton. The brevity of this story adds to the emotional impact and just pushing it to 1000 words or a little more might be all that's needed to be done to make this story truly shine. A little more meat, a little more context, a tiny bit more dialogue, and I can see this being an impeccable one-shot emotional gutpuncher.
The writing is really solid, and although there are some minor formatting issues overall the pacing of the story alongside the conflict was pretty much as good as you were going to get with the minific limitations. Once again, this is another story I'd love to see properly expanded; however, this might benefit from only a slight bit more writing, not a ton. The brevity of this story adds to the emotional impact and just pushing it to 1000 words or a little more might be all that's needed to be done to make this story truly shine. A little more meat, a little more context, a tiny bit more dialogue, and I can see this being an impeccable one-shot emotional gutpuncher.
Aww, a really sweet story. I like it, though the title stuck me as kind of odd; it's traditionally a marriage vow, and almost made me think you were trying to imply a romantic relationship between them instead of a familial one like the story seems to be going for.
>>Dolfeus Doseux
For what it's worth, that second line sounds pretty much exactly like something Twilight might say in the show to me, so it's probably an eye of the beholder thing.
>>Dolfeus Doseux
For what it's worth, that second line sounds pretty much exactly like something Twilight might say in the show to me, so it's probably an eye of the beholder thing.
Over all just a lot of odd dialogue and reasoning. I think the message would be better presented had Nurse Redheart came from a sense of gratitude instead of skepticism and butting into a volunteers life. She should have heaped praise on Twilight, not realizing that Twilight was starting to figure out she was avoiding friends/family. I also don't get the whole "I treat everypony the same way, no matter what.” Twilight obviously has priorities and the ability to know that just because someone isn't part of her close nit friendship circle doesn't mean she thinks less of them. And the line about spending 10 hours reading to kids makes the story seem more like a comedy when the rest of it isn't treated that way. The resolution was equally weak as we never learned why Twilight as avoiding everyone in the first place, unless it was because she honestly couldn't see that spending all of her time volunteering was leaving no time for her loved ones. Overall felt like a problem that Pinkie would face, though still weak IMO, rather than Twilight.
Disclaimer: This is the opinion of a sick person who is too medicated to think overly clearly on top of not knowing what is objectively good or bad writing.
Disclaimer: This is the opinion of a sick person who is too medicated to think overly clearly on top of not knowing what is objectively good or bad writing.
I've never been terribly interested in Haikus, but this story still works. Each haiku is unique and does a good job of creating a picture, some based on episodes, some original. I quite enjoyed it.
I think it is overly long and seemed more like the author wanted to insert as many of these "To court, my love, to court my love." as they possibly could. Like they had a vendetta against not native English speakers. Also, the poem and statue are very narcissistic as they were written and commissioned by the one the statue depicts. Usually ballads like this are written by others who tell the noble souls story, not by the person themselves. I can picture Blueblood commissioning a statue of himself with a poem about the noble Blueblood line.
Disclaimer: This is the opinion of a sick person who is too medicated to think overly clearly on top of not knowing what is objectively good or bad writing.
Disclaimer: This is the opinion of a sick person who is too medicated to think overly clearly on top of not knowing what is objectively good or bad writing.
Needlessly cruel with out the insight into the human psyche that Poe's works entail.
Disclaimer: This is the opinion of a sick person who is too medicated to think overly clearly on top of not knowing what is objectively good or bad writing.
Disclaimer: This is the opinion of a sick person who is too medicated to think overly clearly on top of not knowing what is objectively good or bad writing.
I don't know if I'm just not in the right state of mind to read this or it is as confusing to the normal reader. I had to reread the intro five times to figure out if Pinkie had tears out of hidden pain or from laughter, and I still am not sure as going under a bridge just to laugh because others shush you sounds very sad and the signs of a mental disorder. Also, I feel like this is a crossover to something I've never read or watched, as everyone seems perfectly Ok with the floating girl who can apparently channel spirits.
Disclaimer: This is the opinion of a sick person who is too medicated to think overly clearly on top of not knowing what is objectively good or bad writing.
Disclaimer: This is the opinion of a sick person who is too medicated to think overly clearly on top of not knowing what is objectively good or bad writing.
I don't understand the motivations of this stories Twilight. She caught her wife, Rarity, cheating on her with Spike. She was very angry but willingly gave that anger to the Windigo Queen in exchange for leaving safely, apparently saving the windigo's life. And then it seems like the windigoes are attacking anyways and Spike is dying. Did she mean for the Windigoes to attack for revenge? Did she just want her anger gone? What was the reasoning for Twilight doing any of that? I'm so lost.
Disclaimer: This is the opinion of a sick person who is too medicated to think overly clearly on top of not knowing what is objectively good or bad writing.
Disclaimer: This is the opinion of a sick person who is too medicated to think overly clearly on top of not knowing what is objectively good or bad writing.
It exists. I don't get much of a picture of Fluttershy's October since the poems are so short and there isn't an overarching thread or theme just disconnected poems. All I can say about it is that it was written and exists.
Disclaimer: This is the opinion of a sick person who is too medicated to think overly clearly on top of not knowing what is objectively good or bad writing.
Disclaimer: This is the opinion of a sick person who is too medicated to think overly clearly on top of not knowing what is objectively good or bad writing.
>>Whitbane
It seems to follow the source in placing the body in the floor, except that Poe had it dismembered.
It seems to follow the source in placing the body in the floor, except that Poe had it dismembered.
It's a good little heart to heart conversation piece but it feels very cliche to me. A lot of the dialogue sounds very familiar to other things I have read before
It is very well written, and Discord and Starlight have this weird sort of symmetry to me which works nicely.
So far it's in the upper-middle of my slate.
It is very well written, and Discord and Starlight have this weird sort of symmetry to me which works nicely.
So far it's in the upper-middle of my slate.
I enjoyed this. It really is the sort of story that needs to be longer than the 750 word limit to effectively draw you in and help you understand the world you're in, but what's here does a very good job as an appetizer.
It's well written, although some of the dialogue feels a little too familiar. Big bad who crushes all opposition only to be called out on what she's so clearly missing, and then being evil to cover up that weakness.
I would read a full-fledged story of this. And it is ranked high on my slate.
It's well written, although some of the dialogue feels a little too familiar. Big bad who crushes all opposition only to be called out on what she's so clearly missing, and then being evil to cover up that weakness.
I would read a full-fledged story of this. And it is ranked high on my slate.
I wish "the scientist is an amoral utilitarian" was not a trope. Where are the scientists with strong backbone who would never think of committing such intrinsically immoral acts as cat borrowing and butterstrapping?
Cold in Gardez scolded us all on the discord most viciously, screaming and slapping everyone, saying that we should not just leave glowing praise on even a good story because then the author does not improve. therefore for each of my reviews I am going to jam the stick a few inches further up my butt and see if I can find any criticism to give
ok here i go
...the title is lame. step it up bby
hmm I really like the feeling of transition on the "I accept the full moral and ethical culpability" line. it is like a car shifting into gear, like you know you're about to go someplace. feels like a massage
no real jokey-jokes so it's hard to find a moment to actually laugh out loud despite how funny the story is overall
yes everything is solid, the story was fun to read and not a waste of time at all. that is the baseline standard so YOU WIN!!
CONGRATS!!
your award is: FASTEST SPINNING CAT AWARD
Cold in Gardez scolded us all on the discord most viciously, screaming and slapping everyone, saying that we should not just leave glowing praise on even a good story because then the author does not improve. therefore for each of my reviews I am going to jam the stick a few inches further up my butt and see if I can find any criticism to give
ok here i go
...the title is lame. step it up bby
hmm I really like the feeling of transition on the "I accept the full moral and ethical culpability" line. it is like a car shifting into gear, like you know you're about to go someplace. feels like a massage
no real jokey-jokes so it's hard to find a moment to actually laugh out loud despite how funny the story is overall
yes everything is solid, the story was fun to read and not a waste of time at all. that is the baseline standard so YOU WIN!!
CONGRATS!!
your award is: FASTEST SPINNING CAT AWARD
The twist is very well-executed and well-structured; it came as a genuine surprise while simultaneously re-contextualizing the central conflict in a new light. That alone makes me view the fic favorably. Characters are also ringing true throughout, which is always a huge plus in my book.
Still, I'm a little disappointed at what I think is a need for some more emotional depth to really make the story shine. After the impact of the twist passes, what we're left with is a pretty standard "pony-does-something-she'd-rather-not" story.On my second and third readings, Applejack's conflicting feelings feel very clear and clean-cut, which makes the conflict seem simpler than it should. This sounds like weird advice even to me, but I'd suggest hiding Applejack's thoughts a little to let the reader fill in the gaps. There's only so much emotional complexity you can put into a minific, but you can let the reader do a lot of the heavy-lifting if you give them a little more breathing room.
Still, I'm a little disappointed at what I think is a need for some more emotional depth to really make the story shine. After the impact of the twist passes, what we're left with is a pretty standard "pony-does-something-she'd-rather-not" story.On my second and third readings, Applejack's conflicting feelings feel very clear and clean-cut, which makes the conflict seem simpler than it should. This sounds like weird advice even to me, but I'd suggest hiding Applejack's thoughts a little to let the reader fill in the gaps. There's only so much emotional complexity you can put into a minific, but you can let the reader do a lot of the heavy-lifting if you give them a little more breathing room.
ugh i hate it when my quiet place gets haunted by spooks and spectres
I think we are in Equestria Girls here between the reference to teachers and the "walls of humanity"
I can imagine Pinkie behaving like in the opening just as a normal adolescent angst type of thing, i know i would always go to nature and cry about things when i was younger
the opening has little to do with the rest, in fact let me enumerate the things about this story that do not make sense
- Pinkie's angst has no impact on the rest of the story and acts as a major red herring
- Why say you are dead if you are not? What's the state of mind there? Guilt? I don't understand
- Why hide if your friend has fallen injured or dead and days later ask someone who chances to wander to where you are, personally to contact your parents? Why not call the police and ambulance yourself?
overall the feeling is definitely that there is some vital information being withheld here
I would try to make sense of it and say that Shea and Amaranth are schizoid manifestations of different aspects of Pinkie's personality and that they are a delusion. The black haired girl and the red haired girl you know... however the seemingly very real parents and police and corpse stop me from saying this. Are the police and the parents a delusion too?
actually yes why not i will go with that. it is a psychodrama with "characters" reifying aspects of Pinkie. Shea is not a ghost, Shea is Pinkie. Amaranth is Pinkie. something has broken under the weight
everything suddenly clicks and makes sense! hey, YOU WIN!!
CONGRATS!!
your award is: OBTUSE HIPSTER AWARD
I think we are in Equestria Girls here between the reference to teachers and the "walls of humanity"
I can imagine Pinkie behaving like in the opening just as a normal adolescent angst type of thing, i know i would always go to nature and cry about things when i was younger
the opening has little to do with the rest, in fact let me enumerate the things about this story that do not make sense
- Pinkie's angst has no impact on the rest of the story and acts as a major red herring
- Why say you are dead if you are not? What's the state of mind there? Guilt? I don't understand
- Why hide if your friend has fallen injured or dead and days later ask someone who chances to wander to where you are, personally to contact your parents? Why not call the police and ambulance yourself?
overall the feeling is definitely that there is some vital information being withheld here
I would try to make sense of it and say that Shea and Amaranth are schizoid manifestations of different aspects of Pinkie's personality and that they are a delusion. The black haired girl and the red haired girl you know... however the seemingly very real parents and police and corpse stop me from saying this. Are the police and the parents a delusion too?
actually yes why not i will go with that. it is a psychodrama with "characters" reifying aspects of Pinkie. Shea is not a ghost, Shea is Pinkie. Amaranth is Pinkie. something has broken under the weight
everything suddenly clicks and makes sense! hey, YOU WIN!!
CONGRATS!!
your award is: OBTUSE HIPSTER AWARD
Here’s a take on The Nightmare Won that I haven’t seen before. I think the exposition at the beginning could use some smoothing, as it feels a bit forced. This may be a personal peeve, but every time I see an instance of “But the council said–” trope, I get a little more tired and cynical. Author, I’d like to see you extend your worldbuilding a bit here and put a more plausible political structure for the survivors in the background.
Solid writing overall, with dramatic imagery. This will go high on my slate.
Solid writing overall, with dramatic imagery. This will go high on my slate.
I often like low-stakes plots for minifics. The pacing feels good for its length, and it as a whole the plot reads very smoothy.
In my opinion, the place you can work on the most is probably the prose itself. Take a look at the non-dialogue sentences―the vast majority of them have the same structure, with one clause that begins with a pony and ends with what they did. These kind of short, choppy sentences along with a lot of one-sentence paragraphs makes it hard to get invested, because it feels a bit like you're reading a list of things that happens, rather than a single unbroken story. There's also a lot of deadpan humor here, which only really works when there's something to contrast it with.
I'd suggest varying your prose to include lengthier sentence structures in the less important parts of the story, leaving the shorter, more impactful sentences for the jokes and twist. That way, you're not prematurely exhausting your reader while also setting up those deadpan jokes that need short, snappy deliveries.
In my opinion, the place you can work on the most is probably the prose itself. Take a look at the non-dialogue sentences―the vast majority of them have the same structure, with one clause that begins with a pony and ends with what they did. These kind of short, choppy sentences along with a lot of one-sentence paragraphs makes it hard to get invested, because it feels a bit like you're reading a list of things that happens, rather than a single unbroken story. There's also a lot of deadpan humor here, which only really works when there's something to contrast it with.
I'd suggest varying your prose to include lengthier sentence structures in the less important parts of the story, leaving the shorter, more impactful sentences for the jokes and twist. That way, you're not prematurely exhausting your reader while also setting up those deadpan jokes that need short, snappy deliveries.
This one didn't quite do it for me. I like the idea of the story, but I'm not that enamored by how it plays out. Our central character has pretty much zero agency from the beginning until the end. I felt like nothing that he did or said really matters. The girls resolve the plot (by presumably having a character development moment off-screen), and it doesn't quite feel satisfying, since the story is supposed to be about Poindexter (I think).
There is a situation here that is ripe for humor and/or character development. Like I said, I think the general premise is a pretty good one, but it probably needs a little bit of top-down structural work for it to really do its job.
There is a situation here that is ripe for humor and/or character development. Like I said, I think the general premise is a pretty good one, but it probably needs a little bit of top-down structural work for it to really do its job.
I understand from Discord that people are reluctant to review this one because they haven't seen the movie, so I thought I'd do my best!
It's not bad, but not great IMHO. It took me awhile to figure out what was going on since he died in the movie and I always pictured pony Tartarus as more a physical place than actual afterlife, but there's nothing wrong with your interpretation. Once I figured out what was going on things made more sense.
The Storm King is still pretty much a blank canvas after the movie, so I think writing a story around him was tough from the get go, and what characterization he had was... honestly kind of weird, and that reflects in this piece. It's a hard quirk to write a (semi)serious story around, but you took the challenge.
It's not bad, but not great IMHO. It took me awhile to figure out what was going on since he died in the movie and I always pictured pony Tartarus as more a physical place than actual afterlife, but there's nothing wrong with your interpretation. Once I figured out what was going on things made more sense.
The Storm King is still pretty much a blank canvas after the movie, so I think writing a story around him was tough from the get go, and what characterization he had was... honestly kind of weird, and that reflects in this piece. It's a hard quirk to write a (semi)serious story around, but you took the challenge.
before reading this, I had already peeked at Quill's non-spoiler text and saw that this was a puzzle. though it probably didn't change much, my puzzle-senses immediately pick up the wrong letters as a hidden message. it's not a particularly difficult puzzle, so I just looked at the spoiler solution.
the problem with the story as presented is that this type of poetry just completely bounces off of me. he's cold and sad and something evil happened. too much flowery language and filler to express all that, and I lost interest in trying to decipher the backstory going on. I'm more interested in the puzzle going on, which at least gets across the idea succintly.
To be blunt, I don't find this enjoyable to read. I nearly gave up at "Elucidate my lips with laug[h]ter" - I thought I knew what elucidate meant, but this line made me doubt myself so I looked it up to be sure. "explain, or make clear" ... ok how do you even explain your lips with laughter? My mind's already broken by what this is trying to do.
I guess the misspelled words are kinda interesting, in that it's not too difficult to work out what the intended word was. But that still slows down any attempt to read the poem smoothly, like little speed bumps every line. Constantly reminding me that hey there's a puzzle going on instead of letting me absorb the words naturally.
Does the hidden puzzle add much to the original poem's context? I'm not even sure. If the writer is freezing to death or something, why is he spending so much effort on rhymes and meter? Why must the recipient decode this message, is someone going to intercept an apology? Ultimately the problem is that reading the poem is more work than solving the letter-puzzle. So even if there is something important going on in the story to justify the cleverness, it's already lost me.
the problem with the story as presented is that this type of poetry just completely bounces off of me. he's cold and sad and something evil happened. too much flowery language and filler to express all that, and I lost interest in trying to decipher the backstory going on. I'm more interested in the puzzle going on, which at least gets across the idea succintly.
To be blunt, I don't find this enjoyable to read. I nearly gave up at "Elucidate my lips with laug[h]ter" - I thought I knew what elucidate meant, but this line made me doubt myself so I looked it up to be sure. "explain, or make clear" ... ok how do you even explain your lips with laughter? My mind's already broken by what this is trying to do.
I guess the misspelled words are kinda interesting, in that it's not too difficult to work out what the intended word was. But that still slows down any attempt to read the poem smoothly, like little speed bumps every line. Constantly reminding me that hey there's a puzzle going on instead of letting me absorb the words naturally.
Does the hidden puzzle add much to the original poem's context? I'm not even sure. If the writer is freezing to death or something, why is he spending so much effort on rhymes and meter? Why must the recipient decode this message, is someone going to intercept an apology? Ultimately the problem is that reading the poem is more work than solving the letter-puzzle. So even if there is something important going on in the story to justify the cleverness, it's already lost me.
Your pose is perfectly solid and serviceable, which can be a huge plus with minifics. When you have a tiny wordcount, you often don't want your audience distracted by the actual words on the page (even if they're very pretty words!), since you can only hold their attention for so long. So I liked that the prose was basically invisible throughout.
Unfortunately, I think this one has a big of a tonal clash that makes it hard to become invested. Call me stupid, but I'm really not sure if this is supposed to be a comedy or not.
If it isn't supposed to be a comedy, then Twilight has really been handed the idiot-ball, here. She either doesn't realize what it means to balance your life relationships (which is something pretty much everyone gets a decent handle on by adulthood), or she's so far in denial about it that there's no difference anyway. In my opinion, there's not much you can do from a drama angle if your characters are being this uncooperative, because it becomes hard to relate to them on a basic level.
If it is supposed to be a comedy, well, I'll be blunt and say that I didn't laugh. There's a gravitas to the tone that doesn't lend itself well to humor. But honestly, I've learned time and time again that I'm not the best at writing and/or reading comedies, so take it as you will.
I'd suggest committing to a stronger narrative mood, so your readers know what kind of payoff to expect from reading this story. From there, take a look at your characters and make sure that what they do feels relatable while also forwarding the tonal goals of your story.
Unfortunately, I think this one has a big of a tonal clash that makes it hard to become invested. Call me stupid, but I'm really not sure if this is supposed to be a comedy or not.
If it isn't supposed to be a comedy, then Twilight has really been handed the idiot-ball, here. She either doesn't realize what it means to balance your life relationships (which is something pretty much everyone gets a decent handle on by adulthood), or she's so far in denial about it that there's no difference anyway. In my opinion, there's not much you can do from a drama angle if your characters are being this uncooperative, because it becomes hard to relate to them on a basic level.
If it is supposed to be a comedy, well, I'll be blunt and say that I didn't laugh. There's a gravitas to the tone that doesn't lend itself well to humor. But honestly, I've learned time and time again that I'm not the best at writing and/or reading comedies, so take it as you will.
I'd suggest committing to a stronger narrative mood, so your readers know what kind of payoff to expect from reading this story. From there, take a look at your characters and make sure that what they do feels relatable while also forwarding the tonal goals of your story.
Dawwwwwww. That was a cute story. Well written, too. The first paragraph seemed uncharacteristic for Rainbow Dash, more like something Twilight would think, but it makes sense as a reference to Tanks for the Memories.
Some immortality angst fics are more immortality angsty than others, apparently :p
Not sure what I can really say to this. I feel it tells the story the author wanted to tell, and does that well. Readers' reactions will likely depend on how they feel about that story.
I did notice one small mistake; "blue seas boiled had away" should probably be "Blue seas had boiled away."
Not sure what I can really say to this. I feel it tells the story the author wanted to tell, and does that well. Readers' reactions will likely depend on how they feel about that story.
I did notice one small mistake; "blue seas boiled had away" should probably be "Blue seas had boiled away."
At first I wondered if Zecora was summoning the Smooze.
I can't help but wonder if this is a response to the prose vs poetry debate. It's about equal measures of both :D. Either way, I found it a lot of fun.
One small technical mistake I spotted, "Pills" is misspelled in the final paragraph. I also feel that the last paragraph might flow better if the "and" came after the final comma, but I'm no English major so take my grammar advice with caution.
I can't help but wonder if this is a response to the prose vs poetry debate. It's about equal measures of both :D. Either way, I found it a lot of fun.
One small technical mistake I spotted, "Pills" is misspelled in the final paragraph. I also feel that the last paragraph might flow better if the "and" came after the final comma, but I'm no English major so take my grammar advice with caution.
I like your opening, and I like the idea of the piece, what with Celestia's biggest symptom being that she now has regular hair.
I'm not buying the emotional arc here. The moment of greatest tension in the story is Luna slapping Celestia, and yet there's nothing building up to it. The tone is calm, calm, calm, then JUMPS WITHOUT WARNING then goes calm again. And Luna's action right before slapping Celestia—groaning—doesn't say anger to me as much as it does annoyance.
This feels like the beginning of a story, setting up a situation where Celestia has to prove Twilight's worth. That might be cool.
I'm not buying the emotional arc here. The moment of greatest tension in the story is Luna slapping Celestia, and yet there's nothing building up to it. The tone is calm, calm, calm, then JUMPS WITHOUT WARNING then goes calm again. And Luna's action right before slapping Celestia—groaning—doesn't say anger to me as much as it does annoyance.
This feels like the beginning of a story, setting up a situation where Celestia has to prove Twilight's worth. That might be cool.