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In Sickness and In Health
The curtains were on fire. Again.
“T… twilight…” Called a rough voice.
“I’m right here Spi… Ack!” The curtains were instantly snuffed out by a purple aura, a few wisps of smoke curling away from the ends.
“Sorry, Twilight.” Spike mumbled, blowing his nose on a tissue.
“S’not a problem, Spike.” Twilight yawned. She looked tired and frazzled, but her words were warm and caring.
“Snot’s the main problem if you ask me.” Spike groaned. He smiled slightly at the eyeroll that elicited from his caretaker.
“Ha ha. You’re a riot, Spike.” Putting down the lunch tray she had been carrying, Twilight placed her hoof against Spike’s brow.
“You still feel hot…” She muttered.
“Twi, I’m a dragon. I’m always hot.” He emphasized the point by flexing his spindly arms. “Now, if only Rarity could recognize that fact…” He sighed forlornly.
Twilight was kind enough to hide her giggles behind her hoof before patting her pseudo-brother on the head. “There, there, Spike. I’m sure this will pass soon, and you’ll be back impressing Rarity in no time.”
“I hope so.” He grumped, laying back down with a groan. “I hate being sick! I can barely remember the last time I was this bad.”
“I’m surprised you remember that at all. The last time you were this sick you were really a baby dragon.” She replied, sitting by his bedside.
“I remember enough. I remember being achy, stuffy, sniffly, sneezy, and exhausted.” He grumbled, grimacing at each symptom. “And I remember setting the curtains on fire. And my basket. And a sofa. And poor Nurse Flaming Heart…” He had the grace to look embarrassed at that memory.
“Actually, you only set her hat on fire. Though she still flinches whenever somepony sneezes…” Twilight added thoughtfully. “And you forgot about burning off part of Celestia’s tail…”
Twilight had actually written one of her first scientific papers on that event. Who knew that dragon fire could singe a fifth dimensional astral/magical projection?
“Gee, thanks for making me feel better.” Spike shot Twilight a dirty look, which quickly morphed into a smirk. “I also remember you getting suspended from the Library for two weeks. Something about mistreating books?” Twilight blushed heavily.
“I was in a hurry to find information on dragon physiology, biology, and illnesses. In my rush I… may not have shown the books proper respect.” She admitted sheepishly.
Spike raised a disbelieving eyebrow. “Somepony told me the library looked like a tornado hit it.”
“Yes, well, I was in a hurry.” She looked away, her ears and tail drooping. “And I was worried about you.”
“Aw, Twilight. It’s just a cold. No big deal.” Spike waved a claw dismissively, only to be interrupted by a coughing fit.
“Yeah, well, I didn’t know that then! Nopony did! There wasn’t a lot of information on dragons, and you were my responsibility, and… I was scared.” She admitted
Spike squirmed a little, not really sure how to respond to that little confession. So he did the only thing that came to mind. He opened his arms wide for a hug.
And immediately found himself being nuzzled and enfolded in soft purple wings.
“Awww, enough with the mushy stuff Twilight… I’m not a baby anymore!” He mumbled into her mane after a few minutes, though he made no move to disengage. When she finally pulled back, the red on his cheeks wasn’t solely from his fever.
“What would I do without my number on assistant?” Twilight asked, pinching his cheek.
“I dunno. Go crazy and tear the library apart would be my guess.” He snarked back, weakly fending off her hoof.
“Spike! You know I’ve gotten much better over the years! I don’t do stuff like that anymore.” She huffed.
Spike just stared at her in disbelief.
“Twilight, you kidnapped the Dragon Lord and spent three hours grilling her on dragon diseases.”
“Hey! I did not kidnap her! Ember was happy to help!” Twilight defended herself.
Spike continued his deadpan stare. “Did she agree to help before or after you teleported her halfway across Equestria?”
“Hmph! Just rest and drink your soup Spike. Applejack made it especially for you.”
Spike stared at the bowl. “Let me guess… It’s apple soup… Meaning hot apple juice with apple bits?”
“Um, pretty much?” Twilight grinned weakly. “Apparently Granny Smith swears by it.”
Spike shrugged and smiled. “Well then, lay it on me, Twi.”
The soup may have warmed his stomach, but it was the company that warmed his heart.
“T… twilight…” Called a rough voice.
“I’m right here Spi… Ack!” The curtains were instantly snuffed out by a purple aura, a few wisps of smoke curling away from the ends.
“Sorry, Twilight.” Spike mumbled, blowing his nose on a tissue.
“S’not a problem, Spike.” Twilight yawned. She looked tired and frazzled, but her words were warm and caring.
“Snot’s the main problem if you ask me.” Spike groaned. He smiled slightly at the eyeroll that elicited from his caretaker.
“Ha ha. You’re a riot, Spike.” Putting down the lunch tray she had been carrying, Twilight placed her hoof against Spike’s brow.
“You still feel hot…” She muttered.
“Twi, I’m a dragon. I’m always hot.” He emphasized the point by flexing his spindly arms. “Now, if only Rarity could recognize that fact…” He sighed forlornly.
Twilight was kind enough to hide her giggles behind her hoof before patting her pseudo-brother on the head. “There, there, Spike. I’m sure this will pass soon, and you’ll be back impressing Rarity in no time.”
“I hope so.” He grumped, laying back down with a groan. “I hate being sick! I can barely remember the last time I was this bad.”
“I’m surprised you remember that at all. The last time you were this sick you were really a baby dragon.” She replied, sitting by his bedside.
“I remember enough. I remember being achy, stuffy, sniffly, sneezy, and exhausted.” He grumbled, grimacing at each symptom. “And I remember setting the curtains on fire. And my basket. And a sofa. And poor Nurse Flaming Heart…” He had the grace to look embarrassed at that memory.
“Actually, you only set her hat on fire. Though she still flinches whenever somepony sneezes…” Twilight added thoughtfully. “And you forgot about burning off part of Celestia’s tail…”
Twilight had actually written one of her first scientific papers on that event. Who knew that dragon fire could singe a fifth dimensional astral/magical projection?
“Gee, thanks for making me feel better.” Spike shot Twilight a dirty look, which quickly morphed into a smirk. “I also remember you getting suspended from the Library for two weeks. Something about mistreating books?” Twilight blushed heavily.
“I was in a hurry to find information on dragon physiology, biology, and illnesses. In my rush I… may not have shown the books proper respect.” She admitted sheepishly.
Spike raised a disbelieving eyebrow. “Somepony told me the library looked like a tornado hit it.”
“Yes, well, I was in a hurry.” She looked away, her ears and tail drooping. “And I was worried about you.”
“Aw, Twilight. It’s just a cold. No big deal.” Spike waved a claw dismissively, only to be interrupted by a coughing fit.
“Yeah, well, I didn’t know that then! Nopony did! There wasn’t a lot of information on dragons, and you were my responsibility, and… I was scared.” She admitted
Spike squirmed a little, not really sure how to respond to that little confession. So he did the only thing that came to mind. He opened his arms wide for a hug.
And immediately found himself being nuzzled and enfolded in soft purple wings.
“Awww, enough with the mushy stuff Twilight… I’m not a baby anymore!” He mumbled into her mane after a few minutes, though he made no move to disengage. When she finally pulled back, the red on his cheeks wasn’t solely from his fever.
“What would I do without my number on assistant?” Twilight asked, pinching his cheek.
“I dunno. Go crazy and tear the library apart would be my guess.” He snarked back, weakly fending off her hoof.
“Spike! You know I’ve gotten much better over the years! I don’t do stuff like that anymore.” She huffed.
Spike just stared at her in disbelief.
“Twilight, you kidnapped the Dragon Lord and spent three hours grilling her on dragon diseases.”
“Hey! I did not kidnap her! Ember was happy to help!” Twilight defended herself.
Spike continued his deadpan stare. “Did she agree to help before or after you teleported her halfway across Equestria?”
“Hmph! Just rest and drink your soup Spike. Applejack made it especially for you.”
Spike stared at the bowl. “Let me guess… It’s apple soup… Meaning hot apple juice with apple bits?”
“Um, pretty much?” Twilight grinned weakly. “Apparently Granny Smith swears by it.”
Spike shrugged and smiled. “Well then, lay it on me, Twi.”
The soup may have warmed his stomach, but it was the company that warmed his heart.
It's a bit odd. Your word choice and grammar are fine, but you don't know how to format dialogue tags:
correct:
The dialogue is a bit wooden in the beginning, but it got better at the end, almost like it took some time for you to get into the characters' heads. I can't explain what I mean by "wooden dialogue", but it just felt off. Like:
This sounds more like the abstract idea of what Twilight would say, rather than what she actually would say.
Good job nonetheless!
“I dunno. Go crazy and tear the library apart would be my guess.” He snarked back, weakly fending off her hoof.
correct:
"I dunno. Go crazy and tear the library apart would be my guess," he snarked back, weakly fending off her hoof.
The dialogue is a bit wooden in the beginning, but it got better at the end, almost like it took some time for you to get into the characters' heads. I can't explain what I mean by "wooden dialogue", but it just felt off. Like:
There, there, Spike. I’m sure this will pass soon, and you’ll be back impressing Rarity in no time.
This sounds more like the abstract idea of what Twilight would say, rather than what she actually would say.
Good job nonetheless!
This is sweet, but there's nothing here in plot or characterization that's original. I appreciated the lines about singeing Celestia's "projection" tail, and Twilight's uncertainty about the apple soup, but those seemed like the most unique details here. And I think that it's that sort of uniqueness that can push stories like this beyond just mere "sweetness" and into "fully fleshed out relationship" territory. Get more creative with Spike and Twi's past/interactions, and it'll help this story excel.
Aww, a really sweet story. I like it, though the title stuck me as kind of odd; it's traditionally a marriage vow, and almost made me think you were trying to imply a romantic relationship between them instead of a familial one like the story seems to be going for.
>>Dolfeus Doseux
For what it's worth, that second line sounds pretty much exactly like something Twilight might say in the show to me, so it's probably an eye of the beholder thing.
>>Dolfeus Doseux
For what it's worth, that second line sounds pretty much exactly like something Twilight might say in the show to me, so it's probably an eye of the beholder thing.
I see what you did there.
Anyhow, as pointed out, your structuring with dialogue is a bit weird, as per >>Dolfeus Doseux. You also break Twilight's dialogue into two paragraphs inappropriately at least once.
Your perspective is a bit weird and it never quite settles. You end solidly in Spike viewpoint, but you start in a more ambiguous place, and certainly drift into Twilight viewpoint a couple times. It isn't broad enough for me to really call it omniscient, but it isn't limited enough to be limited! Settle on that a bit more.
That said, that is indicative of a larger issue, which is the traditional mini issue of SCENE, NOT STORY (Trademark pending). We start and end in the same place, learning nothing new, and nothing changing. It is definitely a cute scene, but that is really all it is. An isolated conversation. A random moment in time.
Still, a cute take on the prompt and some decent banter.
Anyhow, as pointed out, your structuring with dialogue is a bit weird, as per >>Dolfeus Doseux. You also break Twilight's dialogue into two paragraphs inappropriately at least once.
Your perspective is a bit weird and it never quite settles. You end solidly in Spike viewpoint, but you start in a more ambiguous place, and certainly drift into Twilight viewpoint a couple times. It isn't broad enough for me to really call it omniscient, but it isn't limited enough to be limited! Settle on that a bit more.
That said, that is indicative of a larger issue, which is the traditional mini issue of SCENE, NOT STORY (Trademark pending). We start and end in the same place, learning nothing new, and nothing changing. It is definitely a cute scene, but that is really all it is. An isolated conversation. A random moment in time.
Still, a cute take on the prompt and some decent banter.
I agree with >>Dubs_Rewatcher here. This is overly saccharine to me, and does not really jibe with my own headcanon. It’s a piece of fluff, but too fluffy for me to be palatable.
Strong voices really go a long way in making a slice-of-life like this work. Wonderful job with the characterization--it really does make the story and the interactions sweet. Nicely done!
That being said, I think the story's greatest weakness is that essentially, nothing happens. We are introduced to a scenario and a set of characters, but nothing about them changes by the end. No one learns anything, loses anything, or gains anything (outside of that bowl of apple soup). I think slice-of-life purists will very much enjoy this little snippet of Spike and Twilight's life, but a lot of your other readers might have trouble with finding substance, here.
That being said, I think the story's greatest weakness is that essentially, nothing happens. We are introduced to a scenario and a set of characters, but nothing about them changes by the end. No one learns anything, loses anything, or gains anything (outside of that bowl of apple soup). I think slice-of-life purists will very much enjoy this little snippet of Spike and Twilight's life, but a lot of your other readers might have trouble with finding substance, here.