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>>Pascoite
That’s actually what I read it as at first—Discoluna in the classical equine period.
CiG has a great suggestion for tidying up the end, Im not aware if he’s already shared t with you but he feels the story would benefit greatly from simply having the end dropped and the titles changed to something akin to “An Inscription on a Statue of a Lunar Guard” and then let the poem speak for itself.
That’s actually what I read it as at first—Discoluna in the classical equine period.
CiG has a great suggestion for tidying up the end, Im not aware if he’s already shared t with you but he feels the story would benefit greatly from simply having the end dropped and the titles changed to something akin to “An Inscription on a Statue of a Lunar Guard” and then let the poem speak for itself.
I had honestly forgotten the Writeoff, so this story was written in a panic-filled hour of frenzied writing under the deadline. It has tons of issues, but I must admit I'm still satisfied with how it came out, considering all the limitations.
What I wanted to do was to give ponies a different approach to the dead, and have them place no worth on the physical body. Once a pony dies, only a worthless corpse is left behind, a corpse which, in ancient times, was prime scavenger and predator bait. Enter the undertaker, the pony responsible for carrying the carcass away, add a couple of millennia of traditions and social constructs and you get the situation of the story.
Thank you for having read and commented the story. I agree with almost all the problems pointed out, and will try to fix them in some way.
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Whitbane
>>regidar
>>Bremen
Well, originally I intended the pony to be the midwife (midmare?), but I think about using a different character, somepony who has a stronger connection to the Apples. I will have to expand upon their role and how it relates to others.
>>Haze
I admit I managed the scarce space I had less than gracefully. My choice of psychopomps was also less than ideal in building up interest, I suppose.
As for the silence, that will stay an integral part of the story.
>>Monokeras
The rhythm has to be polished, no arguing there. As for how the Apples reacted (or didn't react) to the undertaker, well, that begs for expansion. It isn't as simple as the pony being a pariah, but that never really came through in the story.
>>AndrewRogue
I will try to keep the different threads, but they will have to be handled more organically. I'm not so sure about using some other family for the scene, as it would risk leaving the reader without any kind of anchor point. That said, I will have o find a way to make the main character a bit more compelling to balance that out.
>>Posh
>>PaulAsaran
The word (and time) limit was a tyrant I couldn't defy. I will have to expand the context in which the characters move and why they do what they do. The challenge will be doing it without falling into the usual traps.
Thanks again to the commenters, it's for you that I return to the Write-off again and again.
What I wanted to do was to give ponies a different approach to the dead, and have them place no worth on the physical body. Once a pony dies, only a worthless corpse is left behind, a corpse which, in ancient times, was prime scavenger and predator bait. Enter the undertaker, the pony responsible for carrying the carcass away, add a couple of millennia of traditions and social constructs and you get the situation of the story.
Thank you for having read and commented the story. I agree with almost all the problems pointed out, and will try to fix them in some way.
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Whitbane
>>regidar
>>Bremen
Well, originally I intended the pony to be the midwife (midmare?), but I think about using a different character, somepony who has a stronger connection to the Apples. I will have to expand upon their role and how it relates to others.
>>Haze
I admit I managed the scarce space I had less than gracefully. My choice of psychopomps was also less than ideal in building up interest, I suppose.
As for the silence, that will stay an integral part of the story.
>>Monokeras
The rhythm has to be polished, no arguing there. As for how the Apples reacted (or didn't react) to the undertaker, well, that begs for expansion. It isn't as simple as the pony being a pariah, but that never really came through in the story.
>>AndrewRogue
I will try to keep the different threads, but they will have to be handled more organically. I'm not so sure about using some other family for the scene, as it would risk leaving the reader without any kind of anchor point. That said, I will have o find a way to make the main character a bit more compelling to balance that out.
>>Posh
>>PaulAsaran
The word (and time) limit was a tyrant I couldn't defy. I will have to expand the context in which the characters move and why they do what they do. The challenge will be doing it without falling into the usual traps.
Thanks again to the commenters, it's for you that I return to the Write-off again and again.
Ugh, sometimes I think work is eating my life away. Not just because it takes away half my day, but also it's that when I get home, I'm usually so spent that I don't want to do anything of value at all. But I'm glad I managed to get myself into the runnings this month, and I've had a lot of fun. So thank you all for that! :)
Retrospective: Wake
Before I begin, I just have to share a tidbit of the Discord chat that almost made me want to break anonymity then and there:
Because whenever I'm going for a mood piece, I tend to pick a song with the tone I'm going for and then I try to evoke the feeling the song brings out in me. And guess what kind of music Wake's song was?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppzTFgwZxhc
I got a helluva kick out of the fact that somebody unintentionally nailed about 50% of my brainstorming process. :derpytongue:
Okay, not-so-cosmic coincidences aside, I went into this Writeoff just hoping to get anything in, so the fact that Wake did so well puts a bit grin on my face. I've been having trouble putting in entries recently because I think I tend to over-think my ideas until they're big, ugly, messy messes. And by the time I finally come up with something I like, I've wasted 80% of the writing time. So this time, I told myself that I would write literally the first idea that the prompt gave me. Said first idea turned out to be of a pony doing a really awful job of comforting another pony at a funeral. And it kinda just went from there.
Regarding what pretty much everyone is wondering, I'll be honest and say that I don't really know who died. The one thing I really wanted to avoid while working on this idea was the story being another "hey look at this dead pony and be sad" shtick. So in the end, I just decided to totally ignore it. That's part of where the title comes from; this is a story about the wake (as in, aftermath/consequences) of a death, not the death itself. That being said, I wrote this story specifically with the thought that Twilight was closer to the deceased than Luna, so I personally have a bit of trouble seeing Celestia in the role.
BTW, I really overthink my titles, so for those of you who are undoubtedly wondering, the other meaning of it (aside from the obvious funeral reference) was supposed to be referring to the end of the night. I had hoped that the story as a whole would have a little bit of a more hopeful tone, but it looks like I didn't do a good job of making that emotion clear.
Final thought, I would have bet my left arm that I should have been guessed this round. I mean, it checks all of my boxes! Princess, Star Swirl, angst, and talking heads--it really couldn't have made it more obvious. :P
>>regidar
Thank you for your thoughts; I'm very happy that you liked it!
>>Bremen
>>Icenrose
My addiction to the present tense strikes once again. And I thought I was doing so well this time! Thank you both for sharing your thoughts, and I'm glad you enjoyed it!
>>Orbiting_kettle
>>Haze
Thank you so much for your feedback! Yeah, I debated a bunch about how to approach the death, and in the end I decided that I really, really didn't want to write a death sympathy fic. I thought that by not revealing the pony in question, Twilight could take stage center a bit better, but in hindsight I realize that this is distracting at best and irritatingly vague at worst. Appreciate your reviews; they were very insightful!
>>Fenton
>>PaulAsaran
I totally get what you guys are saying. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that the story just kinda happens, without a driving conflict. If I could do it all over again, I'd probably find some way to make this conversation get a bit heated or something just to give the story more momentum.
>>WillowWren
I'm very happy that the story worked for you! Thank you for leaving your thoughts.
>>Not_A_Hat
Can't you just let me use pretty words? :P But seriously, thank you a bunch for leaving your thoughts. I very much enjoyed writing the dialogue, so I'm glad that you enjoyed it too!
>>horizon
Totally agree with the perspective break you point out. I think it's obvious that I was having trouble with that particular little paragraph, and I kinda just powered through it without giving it the thought it should have gotten. And I, too, have no idea how to let the readers know that they're never going to find out who died. Thank you for your review!
>>AndrewRogue
In hindsight, I fully agree that the last paragraph is redundant. And if I decide to publish, I'll definitely do some more thinking about how to curb reader distraction, which I'm sure is going to be more of a problem among the Fimfic general audience than it is here. Thank you so much for your feedback!
>>moonwhisper
Happy you liked it! Like I said earlier, in my head it's not Celestia, but I do believe in the death of the author, so I would lend a reader's interpretation more weight than my stray ideas. Thank you for dropping a comment!
Whew, I think that's everyone. Hard to tell without a preview function (hint hint, Roger!), so if I missed replying to someone, just know that I was happy to read everyone's reviews and I enjoyed them all very much.
Hopefully, I'll see you guys in the next one!
Retrospective: Wake
Before I begin, I just have to share a tidbit of the Discord chat that almost made me want to break anonymity then and there:
i am dead inside - Last Thursday at 2:04 PM
because wake reads like a really poignant ambient/post-rock track and I see stories a lot of the time when i listen to music
but i don't often hear music when i read stories
so the fact that the prose is able to evoke that gives it hella points for me
Because whenever I'm going for a mood piece, I tend to pick a song with the tone I'm going for and then I try to evoke the feeling the song brings out in me. And guess what kind of music Wake's song was?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppzTFgwZxhc
I got a helluva kick out of the fact that somebody unintentionally nailed about 50% of my brainstorming process. :derpytongue:
Okay, not-so-cosmic coincidences aside, I went into this Writeoff just hoping to get anything in, so the fact that Wake did so well puts a bit grin on my face. I've been having trouble putting in entries recently because I think I tend to over-think my ideas until they're big, ugly, messy messes. And by the time I finally come up with something I like, I've wasted 80% of the writing time. So this time, I told myself that I would write literally the first idea that the prompt gave me. Said first idea turned out to be of a pony doing a really awful job of comforting another pony at a funeral. And it kinda just went from there.
Regarding what pretty much everyone is wondering, I'll be honest and say that I don't really know who died. The one thing I really wanted to avoid while working on this idea was the story being another "hey look at this dead pony and be sad" shtick. So in the end, I just decided to totally ignore it. That's part of where the title comes from; this is a story about the wake (as in, aftermath/consequences) of a death, not the death itself. That being said, I wrote this story specifically with the thought that Twilight was closer to the deceased than Luna, so I personally have a bit of trouble seeing Celestia in the role.
BTW, I really overthink my titles, so for those of you who are undoubtedly wondering, the other meaning of it (aside from the obvious funeral reference) was supposed to be referring to the end of the night. I had hoped that the story as a whole would have a little bit of a more hopeful tone, but it looks like I didn't do a good job of making that emotion clear.
Final thought, I would have bet my left arm that I should have been guessed this round. I mean, it checks all of my boxes! Princess, Star Swirl, angst, and talking heads--it really couldn't have made it more obvious. :P
>>regidar
Thank you for your thoughts; I'm very happy that you liked it!
>>Bremen
>>Icenrose
One thing I noticed; "What can she say to Luna?" feels like it should be "What could she say to Luna?"
“What can she say to Luna?” I think “could” fits better here to maintain past tense
My addiction to the present tense strikes once again. And I thought I was doing so well this time! Thank you both for sharing your thoughts, and I'm glad you enjoyed it!
>>Orbiting_kettle
>>Haze
Thank you so much for your feedback! Yeah, I debated a bunch about how to approach the death, and in the end I decided that I really, really didn't want to write a death sympathy fic. I thought that by not revealing the pony in question, Twilight could take stage center a bit better, but in hindsight I realize that this is distracting at best and irritatingly vague at worst. Appreciate your reviews; they were very insightful!
>>Fenton
>>PaulAsaran
I totally get what you guys are saying. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that the story just kinda happens, without a driving conflict. If I could do it all over again, I'd probably find some way to make this conversation get a bit heated or something just to give the story more momentum.
>>WillowWren
I'm very happy that the story worked for you! Thank you for leaving your thoughts.
>>Not_A_Hat
Can't you just let me use pretty words? :P But seriously, thank you a bunch for leaving your thoughts. I very much enjoyed writing the dialogue, so I'm glad that you enjoyed it too!
>>horizon
Totally agree with the perspective break you point out. I think it's obvious that I was having trouble with that particular little paragraph, and I kinda just powered through it without giving it the thought it should have gotten. And I, too, have no idea how to let the readers know that they're never going to find out who died. Thank you for your review!
>>AndrewRogue
In hindsight, I fully agree that the last paragraph is redundant. And if I decide to publish, I'll definitely do some more thinking about how to curb reader distraction, which I'm sure is going to be more of a problem among the Fimfic general audience than it is here. Thank you so much for your feedback!
>>moonwhisper
Happy you liked it! Like I said earlier, in my head it's not Celestia, but I do believe in the death of the author, so I would lend a reader's interpretation more weight than my stray ideas. Thank you for dropping a comment!
Whew, I think that's everyone. Hard to tell without a preview function (hint hint, Roger!), so if I missed replying to someone, just know that I was happy to read everyone's reviews and I enjoyed them all very much.
Hopefully, I'll see you guys in the next one!
Thank you to all who commented :> I really do appreciate it, even if I'm not doing the full retrospective.
>>Haze
Thank you for your point on the last section. I think I agree. I'm hoping that turning that into a conversation instead of a lesson-dump might alleviate that, and will help bring it up to 1000 words anyway lol.
>>Haze
Thank you for your point on the last section. I think I agree. I'm hoping that turning that into a conversation instead of a lesson-dump might alleviate that, and will help bring it up to 1000 words anyway lol.
>>Bachiavellian
Hey! I was that somebody!
Yeah, I’m sorry I didn’t have anything more to say. That line quite literally winded me when I read it. I felt like anything else was extraneous to say.
This was the song I imagined when I read the story: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7fpI2PPRAM4
(That modest mouse one is a banger tho)
Hey! I was that somebody!
Yeah, I’m sorry I didn’t have anything more to say. That line quite literally winded me when I read it. I felt like anything else was extraneous to say.
This was the song I imagined when I read the story: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7fpI2PPRAM4
(That modest mouse one is a banger tho)
>>regidar
I was pretty sure it was you, but with all the seasonal name/profile pic changes in Discord, I'll be honest that I was paranoid that I'd get it wrong somehow. I mean, I have a tough enough time with names and faces in real life. :P
Don't sweat it; I'm just glad you liked the story!
I was pretty sure it was you, but with all the seasonal name/profile pic changes in Discord, I'll be honest that I was paranoid that I'd get it wrong somehow. I mean, I have a tough enough time with names and faces in real life. :P
Don't sweat it; I'm just glad you liked the story!
Manifest Destiny - A Retrospective
Congrats to Cold in Gardez, Haze, and Pascoite on their medals!
>>Whitbane
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>bloons3
>>MLPmatthewl419
>>Bremen
>>AndrewRogue
>>Not_A_Hat
>>PaulAsaran
>>regidar
Wow! I’m really pleased with how well received this story was, as well as the amount of great feedback it received! It’s a pretty huge confidence boost to have the first story I write for the Writetoff in over a year be my best ranked story yet. Doubly so, considering how many amazing stories there were this round!
There were a few comments wondering why x faction didn’t just act on y information, which tells me I didn’t do a good job of conveying the root nature of the conflict: noone really knew anything. As far as the giants knew, the Brightlands expanded at seemingly random intervals for no apparent reason, and the citizens of the Crystal Empire didn’t even know the ice giants existed until that very morning. And it’s worth pointing out that most Crystallings don’t involve the entire empire showing up en masse to empower the Crystal Heart, so the expansion of the borders would have been a gradual thing. The giants had no way of knowing that they were putting themselves in such a hopeless situation until it was too late. I think one of the main flaws of the story is that I'm relying too much on comparatively minor notes of the Crystalling episodes as being important to the plot.
As for why the Crystalling continued as planned in the face of a perceived impending invasion, well, the Crystal Heart is an artifact that is empowered to protect the Empire - it’s explicitly stated at the beginning of S6E1. Not to mention performing a Royal Crystalling wound up saving the empire from certain doom last time around, so Shining Armor and Cadance decided to play what they perceived to be a safe hand while simultaneously keeping up the morale of the populace.
All of this is stuff I plan on expanding on in the updated story, rather than crossing my fingers that the implicature would come across like I did here. A lot of you said that the piece feels rushed/short/cramped, which is true - I look forward to having the opportunity to give things more breathing room when I update it for Fimfiction. I have a lot to think about, but I have a decent idea of where to start shoring things up.
Oh, and regarding this:
Court Wizard! Court Wizard, damn it all! I could have sworn someone teasingly addressed Sunburst by that title at some point during those episodes, but of course DHX wouldn’t be that colossally stupid. -_- I can’t believe I completely forgot that Grand Wizard, as a title, has been indelibly ruined. Anyhoo, thanks for pointing that out, Dubs. No sock-eating necessary. ^^
Thanks again, everypony! I’ll see you all next round!
Congrats to Cold in Gardez, Haze, and Pascoite on their medals!
>>Whitbane
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>bloons3
>>MLPmatthewl419
>>Bremen
>>AndrewRogue
>>Not_A_Hat
>>PaulAsaran
>>regidar
Wow! I’m really pleased with how well received this story was, as well as the amount of great feedback it received! It’s a pretty huge confidence boost to have the first story I write for the Writetoff in over a year be my best ranked story yet. Doubly so, considering how many amazing stories there were this round!
There were a few comments wondering why x faction didn’t just act on y information, which tells me I didn’t do a good job of conveying the root nature of the conflict: noone really knew anything. As far as the giants knew, the Brightlands expanded at seemingly random intervals for no apparent reason, and the citizens of the Crystal Empire didn’t even know the ice giants existed until that very morning. And it’s worth pointing out that most Crystallings don’t involve the entire empire showing up en masse to empower the Crystal Heart, so the expansion of the borders would have been a gradual thing. The giants had no way of knowing that they were putting themselves in such a hopeless situation until it was too late. I think one of the main flaws of the story is that I'm relying too much on comparatively minor notes of the Crystalling episodes as being important to the plot.
As for why the Crystalling continued as planned in the face of a perceived impending invasion, well, the Crystal Heart is an artifact that is empowered to protect the Empire - it’s explicitly stated at the beginning of S6E1. Not to mention performing a Royal Crystalling wound up saving the empire from certain doom last time around, so Shining Armor and Cadance decided to play what they perceived to be a safe hand while simultaneously keeping up the morale of the populace.
All of this is stuff I plan on expanding on in the updated story, rather than crossing my fingers that the implicature would come across like I did here. A lot of you said that the piece feels rushed/short/cramped, which is true - I look forward to having the opportunity to give things more breathing room when I update it for Fimfiction. I have a lot to think about, but I have a decent idea of where to start shoring things up.
Oh, and regarding this:
Grand Wizard Sunburst
uhhhhhhhh
Court Wizard! Court Wizard, damn it all! I could have sworn someone teasingly addressed Sunburst by that title at some point during those episodes, but of course DHX wouldn’t be that colossally stupid. -_- I can’t believe I completely forgot that Grand Wizard, as a title, has been indelibly ruined. Anyhoo, thanks for pointing that out, Dubs. No sock-eating necessary. ^^
Thanks again, everypony! I’ll see you all next round!
What It Is To Be Haunted
aka My Lovely Ghost Vinyl
Originally I was gonna try to do a pair of Vinyl/Tavi ghost stories (this one and one with Vinyl exploring a haunted theater and getting drawn into Octavia's ghostly concerto for all eternity), but I got hung up on this story when I was writing it, and ran out of time so sadly I could not deliver twice the Halloween music pone, and for that I am eternally ashamed.
The story is indeed, at least spiritually (ha, ha) based off the seinen manga My Love Ghost Kana.
At a broader level, it was inspired by me being uncomfortably warm and thinking on how when, I am most frustrated, it is often the little things that gnaw at you the most and really drive you up the wall. So, combine that with the idea that ghosts are cold, and here we are. I was basically writing to the hug as the big thing.
I got hung up for several hours at the line about Octavia laughing (right around there, at least) because, uh, honestly? I didn't know how to move forward from there. Dealing with both talking someone down from a really bad (though, I don't think ultimately suicidal) mood AND talking about being a ghost was a lot of complexity to navigate, particularly in the short set of words I had left.
So, in a final act of desperation, I exposited my way out of it. Suck it show don't tell.
Ultimately, especially given the scope of the fic, it isn't a bad choice, because the importance is not what was actually said, but the just the idea of some sort of connection and someone being there being the sort of thing that helps pull you back from the brink. it doesn't magically fix everything, but it provides the means to take the bad times in stride.
Of course, then I got hung up on a tricky technical question of what Vinyl's haunting actually meant, so I just turned it into a bit of bookending by leaving the question ambiguous and tying it into the theme of moving forward. Still kind of a problematic thing to gloss over though.
>>Cassius You sure, 'cause that's not what the guessing chart says! :p Also I miss you commenting on my stories. =(
>>Not_A_Hat Thank you kindly. Regarding the conversation, see the above. Regarding what got Octavia here, yeah, that seems to be a consistent issue I'm having lately in that I'm starting a bit too deep in situations for people to be comfortable (same issue with Sad Life of a Solitary Mage).
>>Dolfeus Doseux "the presence of her heart in her throat" or something along those lines. Not sure when I accidentally managed to delete that line. Upbeat is the name of the game for me. I'm a big believer in happy - or, at least, bittersweet/survivable endings. Anyhow, thankies. =)
>>Fenton Thank you. Your surrender is accepted with grace.
>>JudgeDeadd Given the source of my inspiration is a manga where the ghost and main character fuck in the first chapter... :p That said, your read is not necessarily wrong either. I realize a fair amount of people don't like ships, and I have a sort of view that romance is often just sufficiently advanced friendship (with added sexual compatibility), so I'm willing to do stuff that can be read as friendship or prelude to more depending what you want.
>>Icenrose Thanks. =)
>>georg *Octavia. Unless she just missed a crazy girl living in her apartment this whole time. <<
aka My Lovely Ghost Vinyl
Originally I was gonna try to do a pair of Vinyl/Tavi ghost stories (this one and one with Vinyl exploring a haunted theater and getting drawn into Octavia's ghostly concerto for all eternity), but I got hung up on this story when I was writing it, and ran out of time so sadly I could not deliver twice the Halloween music pone, and for that I am eternally ashamed.
The story is indeed, at least spiritually (ha, ha) based off the seinen manga My Love Ghost Kana.
At a broader level, it was inspired by me being uncomfortably warm and thinking on how when, I am most frustrated, it is often the little things that gnaw at you the most and really drive you up the wall. So, combine that with the idea that ghosts are cold, and here we are. I was basically writing to the hug as the big thing.
I got hung up for several hours at the line about Octavia laughing (right around there, at least) because, uh, honestly? I didn't know how to move forward from there. Dealing with both talking someone down from a really bad (though, I don't think ultimately suicidal) mood AND talking about being a ghost was a lot of complexity to navigate, particularly in the short set of words I had left.
So, in a final act of desperation, I exposited my way out of it. Suck it show don't tell.
Ultimately, especially given the scope of the fic, it isn't a bad choice, because the importance is not what was actually said, but the just the idea of some sort of connection and someone being there being the sort of thing that helps pull you back from the brink. it doesn't magically fix everything, but it provides the means to take the bad times in stride.
Of course, then I got hung up on a tricky technical question of what Vinyl's haunting actually meant, so I just turned it into a bit of bookending by leaving the question ambiguous and tying it into the theme of moving forward. Still kind of a problematic thing to gloss over though.
>>Cassius You sure, 'cause that's not what the guessing chart says! :p Also I miss you commenting on my stories. =(
>>Not_A_Hat Thank you kindly. Regarding the conversation, see the above. Regarding what got Octavia here, yeah, that seems to be a consistent issue I'm having lately in that I'm starting a bit too deep in situations for people to be comfortable (same issue with Sad Life of a Solitary Mage).
>>Dolfeus Doseux "the presence of her heart in her throat" or something along those lines. Not sure when I accidentally managed to delete that line. Upbeat is the name of the game for me. I'm a big believer in happy - or, at least, bittersweet/survivable endings. Anyhow, thankies. =)
>>Fenton Thank you. Your surrender is accepted with grace.
>>JudgeDeadd Given the source of my inspiration is a manga where the ghost and main character fuck in the first chapter... :p That said, your read is not necessarily wrong either. I realize a fair amount of people don't like ships, and I have a sort of view that romance is often just sufficiently advanced friendship (with added sexual compatibility), so I'm willing to do stuff that can be read as friendship or prelude to more depending what you want.
>>Icenrose Thanks. =)
>>georg *Octavia. Unless she just missed a crazy girl living in her apartment this whole time. <<
Pretend this retrospective is only 17 syllables long.
I was inspired by the whole poetry debate reigniting, and the topic of ESL users. Here's a form with no meter or rhyme, not even designed for english in the first place. Let's see what it adds to the debate!
But I honestly thought this would score low, not even getting into finals.
Strike 1: Poetry haters will hate it.
Strike 2: There's no ambitious arc connecting them, it's just fluff. Story lovers will hate it.
Strike 3: I, uh... have never written haiku, or any poetry, in my life. Poetry lovers will be sadly disappointed.
After accepting that no one will like this, and I'm writing it just for me, I decided it should at least be something *I* would respect and enjoy. I did some hasty research on the old haiku masters and tried my best to imitate them.
I was actually telling the truth in my fake self-review >>Haze - I kinda hate english haiku, because they seem like nothing more than syllable-counting, or ironic jokes. Everyone knows the 5-7-5 rule, but it's so superficial to me. I'm more fond of traditional haiku, because they follow a more complex set of rules and qualities. Makes them stronger, but I suspect also makes them more accessible for the average reader to "get it".
Besides, the requirements of writing on nature and including a seasonal word synchronizes so magically with MLP's fantasy setting, where ponies themselves manage nature and change the seasons. And I could've picked anypony's POV, but the one who talks to animals seemed the most fitting for this, as well as being the type most receptive to observing the world around her. It sticks with the traditions while also putting a pony spin on them.
(I discovered that autumn might be the most rewarding season for traditional haiku, but it's also the most challenging. For various reasons. I wonder if experienced poets feel the same.)
Everyone noticed that it doesn't really tell an overall story.... and that is true! It just sits there, existing. There's something refreshing about everybody 100% understanding the intent, or lack of one.
Having a subtle arc did cross my mind -- it would easily impress writeoff voters with its ambition, and it's something I tend to do to overcomplicate my stories. And for some reason I can't quite recall, I simply decided not to. I guess it would feel too flashy and clever, going against the whole spirit of haiku. In retrospect I think it makes this even more accessible, no one has to feel left out by not getting the subtext, or debating different interpretations (like "Poisoned Apple" from last time). It's just 31 poems, presented one at a time, what you see is what you get. Everyone can talk about their reactions, their favorites, without having to figure out what it all means. It's experimental by not attempting any experiment at all.
(Though I did want a subtle shift: the poems would start out more warm and social, and become colder and lonelier as the month went on. But I was too exhausted to tighten up the ordering when I was done, so it's probably not noticable.)
The title is a dumb joke. I'm bad at titles, and instead of something poetic/pretentious, I decided to be as unambiguous and direct as possible. No subtlety! I think it helped, actually. By coincidence I noticed it was 12 syllables (or is it 13?) and stuck "Refrigerator" in there to turn it into a bad haiku (I tried a serious line but I hit the character limit). The interpretation that she's literally posting these on her refrigerator is so adorable, I'm now convinced it's happening too.
The wordcount is another dumb joke. It was originally 424, a nice minimal number. I edited it down to 420, because heh heh heh. Then realized 575 would be even better. The difference between 575 and 420 turns out to be a multiple of 31; this was TOO PERFECT. I added 5 "words" worth of formatting to every haiku. I'm way too proud of this stupid cleverness, which no one noticed anyway.
So I never wrote haiku before, I'm learning it as I'm going, and I got burnt out after writing around 25 so I limped across the finish line with some weaker filler. How did I do? Silver medal!? I just don't know what went wrong!
First of all, I was amazed that I got >>Monokeras to read poetry in english without dismissing it. And he enjoyed it too. Wow.
I appreciated everyone sharing their favorites, and even their disliked poems too. Even if you can't explain a reason, it helps because I had no idea which ones would work. But now it's confusing because some people would like a poem that others hated! I guess I'll just stick to writing for myself.
#12 was the last one I wrote. I was pretty disappointed in it and thought it was too ham-fisted, but I just wanted to be finished. I'm surprised it was a popular hit.
#13 is about Discord. I thought it'd be pretty obvious, since there's that recent episode about his chaos-themed tea party. I was fixated on Friday the 13th which we had this October. >>Dubs_Rewatcher says it should come later, but I think it's more shocking in the beginning. Then I can break the syllable rules later in more subtle ways, and the reader will know I'm doing it for a reason. I dunno.
#21 is about Scootaloo.
>>horizon
I'm a consistently uneven person.
I accept that you didn't like those, but I think I disagree with your reason. I understand that structure working in the manner >>WillowWren describes, and it's something I noticed the old masters often using. Individual execution aside, because I know I'm not very good, I think the general principle of what you're saying unnecessarily limits haiku.
I feel like, even in a 3-line poem, "show, show, show" can be exhausting. I don't mean all haiku here, but these ones where the aim is to show an unusual perspective, disorient the reader, then ground it in reality once again. You can observe the details of a tree while still being aware of the forest... rather than more and more details of the vast forest overloading your senses. I dislike "show don't tell" because I think it leads to the inaccessible type of subtlety that we lament in the writeoff. Better to have one "telly" line, for emphasis or context, that helps the subtlety to blossom.
Of course, I'm a poetry noob trying to argue with someone much, much more experienced at this, and I feel way out of my league. I still feel like I was on the right track, but I'll consider what you said. If I write haiku again.
Thanks everypony, for reading this! -- Fluttershy
I was inspired by the whole poetry debate reigniting, and the topic of ESL users. Here's a form with no meter or rhyme, not even designed for english in the first place. Let's see what it adds to the debate!
But I honestly thought this would score low, not even getting into finals.
Strike 1: Poetry haters will hate it.
Strike 2: There's no ambitious arc connecting them, it's just fluff. Story lovers will hate it.
Strike 3: I, uh... have never written haiku, or any poetry, in my life. Poetry lovers will be sadly disappointed.
After accepting that no one will like this, and I'm writing it just for me, I decided it should at least be something *I* would respect and enjoy. I did some hasty research on the old haiku masters and tried my best to imitate them.
I was actually telling the truth in my fake self-review >>Haze - I kinda hate english haiku, because they seem like nothing more than syllable-counting, or ironic jokes. Everyone knows the 5-7-5 rule, but it's so superficial to me. I'm more fond of traditional haiku, because they follow a more complex set of rules and qualities. Makes them stronger, but I suspect also makes them more accessible for the average reader to "get it".
Besides, the requirements of writing on nature and including a seasonal word synchronizes so magically with MLP's fantasy setting, where ponies themselves manage nature and change the seasons. And I could've picked anypony's POV, but the one who talks to animals seemed the most fitting for this, as well as being the type most receptive to observing the world around her. It sticks with the traditions while also putting a pony spin on them.
(I discovered that autumn might be the most rewarding season for traditional haiku, but it's also the most challenging. For various reasons. I wonder if experienced poets feel the same.)
Everyone noticed that it doesn't really tell an overall story.... and that is true! It just sits there, existing. There's something refreshing about everybody 100% understanding the intent, or lack of one.
Having a subtle arc did cross my mind -- it would easily impress writeoff voters with its ambition, and it's something I tend to do to overcomplicate my stories. And for some reason I can't quite recall, I simply decided not to. I guess it would feel too flashy and clever, going against the whole spirit of haiku. In retrospect I think it makes this even more accessible, no one has to feel left out by not getting the subtext, or debating different interpretations (like "Poisoned Apple" from last time). It's just 31 poems, presented one at a time, what you see is what you get. Everyone can talk about their reactions, their favorites, without having to figure out what it all means. It's experimental by not attempting any experiment at all.
(Though I did want a subtle shift: the poems would start out more warm and social, and become colder and lonelier as the month went on. But I was too exhausted to tighten up the ordering when I was done, so it's probably not noticable.)
The title is a dumb joke. I'm bad at titles, and instead of something poetic/pretentious, I decided to be as unambiguous and direct as possible. No subtlety! I think it helped, actually. By coincidence I noticed it was 12 syllables (or is it 13?) and stuck "Refrigerator" in there to turn it into a bad haiku (I tried a serious line but I hit the character limit). The interpretation that she's literally posting these on her refrigerator is so adorable, I'm now convinced it's happening too.
The wordcount is another dumb joke. It was originally 424, a nice minimal number. I edited it down to 420, because heh heh heh. Then realized 575 would be even better. The difference between 575 and 420 turns out to be a multiple of 31; this was TOO PERFECT. I added 5 "words" worth of formatting to every haiku. I'm way too proud of this stupid cleverness, which no one noticed anyway.
So I never wrote haiku before, I'm learning it as I'm going, and I got burnt out after writing around 25 so I limped across the finish line with some weaker filler. How did I do? Silver medal!? I just don't know what went wrong!
First of all, I was amazed that I got >>Monokeras to read poetry in english without dismissing it. And he enjoyed it too. Wow.
I appreciated everyone sharing their favorites, and even their disliked poems too. Even if you can't explain a reason, it helps because I had no idea which ones would work. But now it's confusing because some people would like a poem that others hated! I guess I'll just stick to writing for myself.
#12 was the last one I wrote. I was pretty disappointed in it and thought it was too ham-fisted, but I just wanted to be finished. I'm surprised it was a popular hit.
#13 is about Discord. I thought it'd be pretty obvious, since there's that recent episode about his chaos-themed tea party. I was fixated on Friday the 13th which we had this October. >>Dubs_Rewatcher says it should come later, but I think it's more shocking in the beginning. Then I can break the syllable rules later in more subtle ways, and the reader will know I'm doing it for a reason. I dunno.
#21 is about Scootaloo.
>>horizon
I'm a consistently uneven person.
Setup, setup, punchline. This makes the entire poem about how it props up the last line -- placing the focus on the explanation of the phenomenon rather than the phenomenon itself, which is exactly the opposite of where you want to place your focus. (Stated another way: you're going "show, show, tell" and the strength of the form relies on showing.)
I accept that you didn't like those, but I think I disagree with your reason. I understand that structure working in the manner >>WillowWren describes, and it's something I noticed the old masters often using. Individual execution aside, because I know I'm not very good, I think the general principle of what you're saying unnecessarily limits haiku.
I feel like, even in a 3-line poem, "show, show, show" can be exhausting. I don't mean all haiku here, but these ones where the aim is to show an unusual perspective, disorient the reader, then ground it in reality once again. You can observe the details of a tree while still being aware of the forest... rather than more and more details of the vast forest overloading your senses. I dislike "show don't tell" because I think it leads to the inaccessible type of subtlety that we lament in the writeoff. Better to have one "telly" line, for emphasis or context, that helps the subtlety to blossom.
Of course, I'm a poetry noob trying to argue with someone much, much more experienced at this, and I feel way out of my league. I still feel like I was on the right track, but I'll consider what you said. If I write haiku again.
Thanks everypony, for reading this! -- Fluttershy
>>regidar
>>Ion-Sturm
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>Fenton
>>AndrewRogue
>>Not_A_Hat
>>MLPmatthewl419
This is my second entry in the Writeoff. My first was a FIM short story which was probably too ambitious and suffered from it, so I wanted to make a simpler, slice of life story, and the minific round was the right place for it.
I agree that I have to put more effort on cleaning and correcting spelling errors. That's definitely something I have to improve. For the next time maybe I will have to ask some help first to check all the mistakes.
I realize also that the tension is poorly managed. Everything is resolved in just two lines. I should take the suggestions from >>AndrewRogue and >>Not_A_Hat and describe more Trixie's relationship with her grandmother, so that the stakes are clear from the beginning and the inner conflict is built more progressively.
Originally, the story should have ended on a more positive note. The idea was to have a scene where Trixie meets Starlight, who tries to comfort her. In this dialogue Trixie would have used the third person which would contrast to how she speaks with her grandmother. But since this scene didn't fit in the word count, the use of first person feels off-character.
As Fenton pointed out, there should have been a mention of defeating Chrysalis. Since I didn't put the scene with Starlight, there is no reference to the show's timeline, so it can simply be set before season 6.
Anyway, thank you very much for reading and commenting. It's always nice to have feedback.
>>regidar
>>MLPmatthewl419
Glad you enjoyed it! :)
>>Ion-Sturm
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>Fenton
>>AndrewRogue
>>Not_A_Hat
>>MLPmatthewl419
This is my second entry in the Writeoff. My first was a FIM short story which was probably too ambitious and suffered from it, so I wanted to make a simpler, slice of life story, and the minific round was the right place for it.
I agree that I have to put more effort on cleaning and correcting spelling errors. That's definitely something I have to improve. For the next time maybe I will have to ask some help first to check all the mistakes.
I realize also that the tension is poorly managed. Everything is resolved in just two lines. I should take the suggestions from >>AndrewRogue and >>Not_A_Hat and describe more Trixie's relationship with her grandmother, so that the stakes are clear from the beginning and the inner conflict is built more progressively.
Originally, the story should have ended on a more positive note. The idea was to have a scene where Trixie meets Starlight, who tries to comfort her. In this dialogue Trixie would have used the third person which would contrast to how she speaks with her grandmother. But since this scene didn't fit in the word count, the use of first person feels off-character.
As Fenton pointed out, there should have been a mention of defeating Chrysalis. Since I didn't put the scene with Starlight, there is no reference to the show's timeline, so it can simply be set before season 6.
Anyway, thank you very much for reading and commenting. It's always nice to have feedback.
>>regidar
>>MLPmatthewl419
Glad you enjoyed it! :)
>>Haze
Take with grain of salt;
hard to argue with success.
Congrats on silver!
But seriously, sometimes I have strong opinions about strong writing, and there are many different ways to do strong writing: which is why I try to explain my reasoning, so that if others disagree they can provide contrasting views, and if you disagree with my reasoning you can feel more confident about rejecting my conclusions.
I'll also point out that, despite specifically grumbling about show-show-tell, I appear to have listed #12 as one of my favorites, so I may be misdiagnosing based on something else that the disliked s-s-t ones had in common. I think the reason that 12 worked for me while, say, 1 didn't was that ... mmm. 1 felt too obvious, maybe? Anticlimactic. And 12 isn't summarizing what we've already seen so much as giving us the next step in the sequence.
::shrug emoji::
Take with grain of salt;
hard to argue with success.
Congrats on silver!
But seriously, sometimes I have strong opinions about strong writing, and there are many different ways to do strong writing: which is why I try to explain my reasoning, so that if others disagree they can provide contrasting views, and if you disagree with my reasoning you can feel more confident about rejecting my conclusions.
I'll also point out that, despite specifically grumbling about show-show-tell, I appear to have listed #12 as one of my favorites, so I may be misdiagnosing based on something else that the disliked s-s-t ones had in common. I think the reason that 12 worked for me while, say, 1 didn't was that ... mmm. 1 felt too obvious, maybe? Anticlimactic. And 12 isn't summarizing what we've already seen so much as giving us the next step in the sequence.
::shrug emoji::
I'll pop in again to say that even though I said I didn't think this was a good use of a minific, I still think it deserved to finish far higher than it did. If I'd voted a slate, I would have put it somewhere near the middle. It's too vague, but then it's not the only entry to suffer from that, and I do appreciate the difficulty in crafting it, since the rhymes have to work, the cipher affects word choice, and the hidden message sets the length. Plus all that takes time when there wasn't much of it available. I hadn't noticed Doseux was still around, or I would have guessed him for this. If he'd had time to add a compelling plot and a context-changing code, I bet he would have, and then it'd be something quite special, As is, I'd still give it credit for the difficulty that went into it. You have my appreciation for writing this, Doseux.
>>regidar
No, I didn't hear from CiG. Originally, I did have the poem standing alone, and not with that statement about it being an inscription as a title, but a single line at the end. That didn't work for me, because I think there's a power in seeing the difference between the inscription's vision of how the statue would be used and what actually happened to it, plus my test reader didn't quite get everything out of it that I wanted it to convey. I was originally going to title it Tungsten, but very few people, if any, would get the significance of that, so once again, I turned to the notes at the end to explain. I felt it worked better as an in-universe explanation that the characters realized than on a meta-level in an author's note. The biggest reason, though? On its own, I can't solo post it on FiMFiction, and some people were already complaining that the poem ran a bit long. So I needed something to get the word count up to 1k, then I abbreviated that part for this contest.
No, I didn't hear from CiG. Originally, I did have the poem standing alone, and not with that statement about it being an inscription as a title, but a single line at the end. That didn't work for me, because I think there's a power in seeing the difference between the inscription's vision of how the statue would be used and what actually happened to it, plus my test reader didn't quite get everything out of it that I wanted it to convey. I was originally going to title it Tungsten, but very few people, if any, would get the significance of that, so once again, I turned to the notes at the end to explain. I felt it worked better as an in-universe explanation that the characters realized than on a meta-level in an author's note. The biggest reason, though? On its own, I can't solo post it on FiMFiction, and some people were already complaining that the poem ran a bit long. So I needed something to get the word count up to 1k, then I abbreviated that part for this contest.
>>moonwhisper
No problem, I really empathize with Trixie here. A lot of it was uncomfortably close to my life and it stuck out because of that.
No problem, I really empathize with Trixie here. A lot of it was uncomfortably close to my life and it stuck out because of that.
Fsck. I wrote up a lengthy retrospective and my browser ate it due to a network glitch. ;_;
So, uh, you're probably not going to get a longer explanation. But I did still want to note:
1) >>Orbiting_kettle's interpretation is exactly what I intended.
2) Since comments seemed about 50/50 split between those who reached that interpretation and those who didn't, what could I have added to the story in order to make you interpret it that way? Was there anything in the story which you felt pulled you away from that interpretation?
There are elements, like the central romance, which just aren't going to work for some people due to headcanon clashes (unless I rewrite the story from scratch, removing the romance like >>Ion-Sturm suggests), but if I'm not communicating the premise I think that's something that can be usefully fixed.
>>PaulAsaran >>MLPmatthewl419 >>Monokeras >>Bremen >>Haze >>thisisalongname >>regidar >>Not_A_Hat
So, uh, you're probably not going to get a longer explanation. But I did still want to note:
1) >>Orbiting_kettle's interpretation is exactly what I intended.
2) Since comments seemed about 50/50 split between those who reached that interpretation and those who didn't, what could I have added to the story in order to make you interpret it that way? Was there anything in the story which you felt pulled you away from that interpretation?
There are elements, like the central romance, which just aren't going to work for some people due to headcanon clashes (unless I rewrite the story from scratch, removing the romance like >>Ion-Sturm suggests), but if I'm not communicating the premise I think that's something that can be usefully fixed.
>>PaulAsaran >>MLPmatthewl419 >>Monokeras >>Bremen >>Haze >>thisisalongname >>regidar >>Not_A_Hat
>>Pascoite
I just felt the notes at the end were a bit too expository, and a few of them (esp the "luna vanished for several days because she was so sad") were just a little ham-handed. I would either dry them out a bit or cut them dramatically. The suggestion Regidar is referring to came up in our chatroom discussion, where I suggested simply titling the poem "Inscription on a Statue of a Lunar Guard," which would also be a nice call-out to Amit's "A Description of a Fountain in Canterlot's Gardens."
I just felt the notes at the end were a bit too expository, and a few of them (esp the "luna vanished for several days because she was so sad") were just a little ham-handed. I would either dry them out a bit or cut them dramatically. The suggestion Regidar is referring to came up in our chatroom discussion, where I suggested simply titling the poem "Inscription on a Statue of a Lunar Guard," which would also be a nice call-out to Amit's "A Description of a Fountain in Canterlot's Gardens."
>>Cold in Gardez
That might have done fine for this writeoff, but it doesn't solve my problem of getting to 1k words.
That might have done fine for this writeoff, but it doesn't solve my problem of getting to 1k words.
>>horizon
Work on the transitions between scenes, I think. Make it a bit more obvious what's happening, make it a smoother flow, etc. That's what really caused me to not understand it; it felt like three separate stories.
Work on the transitions between scenes, I think. Make it a bit more obvious what's happening, make it a smoother flow, etc. That's what really caused me to not understand it; it felt like three separate stories.
>>Bremen, >>Pascoite, >>PaulAsaran, >>MLPmatthewl419, >>Posh, >>moonwhisper, >>georg, >>regidar
Belated Retrospective: Strange Brew
Congrats to the medalists, and thanks for the Most Controversial prize!
I knew that I would have little time to write in this round; I had a most-of-the-day commitment which involved a strange brew of its own. (search #fic for “What is GGA doing today” if you want to see what I mean.)
I decided to have a go anyway. I knew I’d have to write something that could be composed in quick small chunks if I were to have any hope at all. This, combined with an early prompt idea (“herbal remedy for flu goes interestingly wrong”) led to the idea of a witch’s brew verse, and I decided that whatever I wrote should fit a scheme I’d read in the works of Guy Wetmore Carryl, a sharp-witted poet and satirist from a forgotten era. I had specifically in mind his poem, The Sycophantic Fox and the Gullible Raven. (This is not a specific response to the prose vs. poetry discussion, but feel free to take it as a vote in favor of po’ work.)
I jotted down a few notes before leaving for the soiree, and added bits of verse as they occurred to me throughout the day. I woke early the following morning, arranged them neatly, and completed the framing tale just in time, leaving one typo to signal my haste. (There might be pilsner in there, or PILs; it’s all just potluck
>>Pascoite
Zecora’s speech at the end, taken as a whole, follows the same scheme as the earlier stanzas.
>>MLPmatthewl419
The Fimfic version is here.
Belated Retrospective: Strange Brew
Congrats to the medalists, and thanks for the Most Controversial prize!
I knew that I would have little time to write in this round; I had a most-of-the-day commitment which involved a strange brew of its own. (search #fic for “What is GGA doing today” if you want to see what I mean.)
I decided to have a go anyway. I knew I’d have to write something that could be composed in quick small chunks if I were to have any hope at all. This, combined with an early prompt idea (“herbal remedy for flu goes interestingly wrong”) led to the idea of a witch’s brew verse, and I decided that whatever I wrote should fit a scheme I’d read in the works of Guy Wetmore Carryl, a sharp-witted poet and satirist from a forgotten era. I had specifically in mind his poem, The Sycophantic Fox and the Gullible Raven. (This is not a specific response to the prose vs. poetry discussion, but feel free to take it as a vote in favor of po’ work.)
I jotted down a few notes before leaving for the soiree, and added bits of verse as they occurred to me throughout the day. I woke early the following morning, arranged them neatly, and completed the framing tale just in time, leaving one typo to signal my haste. (There might be pilsner in there, or PILs; it’s all just potluck
>>Pascoite
Zecora’s speech at the end, taken as a whole, follows the same scheme as the earlier stanzas.
>>MLPmatthewl419
The Fimfic version is here.
>>Miller Minus
Hey, it's almost that time of year again, isn't it? Already seeing Halloween decorations in the stores.
Hey, it's almost that time of year again, isn't it? Already seeing Halloween decorations in the stores.