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The crystal chime of the castle’s nightbell roused Twilight Sparkle from the pages of slumber. She marked her pillow with a phoenix quill bookmark, stood, and trotted through the castle’s long halls to the foyer.
“Good morning!” she said, opening the castle’s cover. “How can I—Oh, it’s you.”
“Uh, hey.” The Nightmare ground her hoof into the dirt and looked anywhere but Twilight’s face. She seemed out of place, standing in the sun. Diminished by it, little more than an inky afterimage on Twilight’s retina, shifting and dancing and refusing focus. “Look, this is gonna sound kinda weird, but would it be okay if maybe I stayed with you for a few days? Luna kicked me out.”
“Good.” Twilight tried to slam the doors in the Nightmare’s face, but they’d melted onto the floor again. She scowled at them and made a mental note to buy more crystal carpet cleaner. “About time. She finally got sick of your cheating?”
The Nightmare winced. She scratched at the side of her neck and mumbled something. She was naked, Twilight noticed, bereft of her usual regalia. Presumably all left behind in her flight from Luna’s wrath.
“I ought to say no,” Twilight said. “But my castle’s broken, so I guess you can stay. You know where the guest room is?”
“Actually, I was hoping I could share your—”
“The guest room,” Twilight repeated. “Or back to Luna. Your call.”
The Nightmare shivered at that. “The guest room is fine. Can I eat your brain real quick?”
“Sure, sure.” Twilight braced herself. This part always stung like a—
Twilight woke with a start. The blanket had tangled around her legs, binding them, and her sweat soaked the sheets beneath her. Not even a hint of the dawn encroached upon the nightscape outside her window.
She groaned quietly as the dream settled into her memory. Its edges were sharper than a dream’s should be, as real as darkness smothering her room. She let out a shaky breath.
“Dammit, not again.”
“So, it’s like, haunting the castle?” Rainbow Dash asked. She peered around at the shadows.
“Not the castle. Me.” Twilight took a sip from her chamomile. “Again.”
“Wait, this ain’t the first time?” Applejack asked.
“No, Luna loses track of it once a year or so. Usually it runs off to one of the other princesses, then we have to hold it for her until she can take it back. Last year Cadence had it for a week.”
“Well, that sounds lovely,” Rarity said. “What do we do about it?”
“Nothing,” Twilight said. “It’s harmless. As long as you don’t give into its temptations.”
The Nightmare was waiting in Twilight’s bed when she retired for the evening.
Twilight frowned. “I said the guest room.”
The Nightmare ignored her. She stretched atop the sheets, exposing the long contours of her chest and belly and legs.
Twilight tore her eyes from the sight and hopped up beside her. This was her bed, dammit. She wasn’t going to let some two-bit imaginary hussy chase her from it.
“Hey,” the Nightmare whispered. “I’ve been waiting for you.”
“I bet. Go back to your room, or go to sleep. I don’t care which.”
“Liar.” The Nightmare snuggled up behind her. In the darkness, at night, she was far larger than Twilight. Long limbs curled around Twilight’s body.
“Trying to sleep here.”
“Silly, you’re already asleep.”
Oh. That explained why they were lying tangled together on a giant book floating in the sky above Ponyville. Twilight frowned.
“Bit for your thoughts,” the Nightmare whispered. Her voice was filled with spiders.
Twilight rolled over in the demon’s grasp. “What do you want?”
“You. Luna is so boring these days. But you? We could rule the world, Twilight Sparkle.”
Twilight snorted. “Try offering me something I want, instead.”
“Something Twilight Sparkle wants?” A wide grin exposed teeth like stars. “You should be careful what you wish for.”
That had a dangerous sound to it. Twilight tried to push herself away, but the Nightmare’s grip was too strong.
“Relax,” the Nightmare whispered. She released Twilight and spread her legs, exposing every forbidden bit of her to Twilight’s eyes. A seam appeared in her flesh, from groin to chin, and her body opened like a book. Lines of black text covered her organs and bones and all the spaces in between. The scent of hot iron filled the room.
Twilight read all the night long. As always, the truth was in the margins.
“Good morning!” she said, opening the castle’s cover. “How can I—Oh, it’s you.”
“Uh, hey.” The Nightmare ground her hoof into the dirt and looked anywhere but Twilight’s face. She seemed out of place, standing in the sun. Diminished by it, little more than an inky afterimage on Twilight’s retina, shifting and dancing and refusing focus. “Look, this is gonna sound kinda weird, but would it be okay if maybe I stayed with you for a few days? Luna kicked me out.”
“Good.” Twilight tried to slam the doors in the Nightmare’s face, but they’d melted onto the floor again. She scowled at them and made a mental note to buy more crystal carpet cleaner. “About time. She finally got sick of your cheating?”
The Nightmare winced. She scratched at the side of her neck and mumbled something. She was naked, Twilight noticed, bereft of her usual regalia. Presumably all left behind in her flight from Luna’s wrath.
“I ought to say no,” Twilight said. “But my castle’s broken, so I guess you can stay. You know where the guest room is?”
“Actually, I was hoping I could share your—”
“The guest room,” Twilight repeated. “Or back to Luna. Your call.”
The Nightmare shivered at that. “The guest room is fine. Can I eat your brain real quick?”
“Sure, sure.” Twilight braced herself. This part always stung like a—
Twilight woke with a start. The blanket had tangled around her legs, binding them, and her sweat soaked the sheets beneath her. Not even a hint of the dawn encroached upon the nightscape outside her window.
She groaned quietly as the dream settled into her memory. Its edges were sharper than a dream’s should be, as real as darkness smothering her room. She let out a shaky breath.
“Dammit, not again.”
“So, it’s like, haunting the castle?” Rainbow Dash asked. She peered around at the shadows.
“Not the castle. Me.” Twilight took a sip from her chamomile. “Again.”
“Wait, this ain’t the first time?” Applejack asked.
“No, Luna loses track of it once a year or so. Usually it runs off to one of the other princesses, then we have to hold it for her until she can take it back. Last year Cadence had it for a week.”
“Well, that sounds lovely,” Rarity said. “What do we do about it?”
“Nothing,” Twilight said. “It’s harmless. As long as you don’t give into its temptations.”
The Nightmare was waiting in Twilight’s bed when she retired for the evening.
Twilight frowned. “I said the guest room.”
The Nightmare ignored her. She stretched atop the sheets, exposing the long contours of her chest and belly and legs.
Twilight tore her eyes from the sight and hopped up beside her. This was her bed, dammit. She wasn’t going to let some two-bit imaginary hussy chase her from it.
“Hey,” the Nightmare whispered. “I’ve been waiting for you.”
“I bet. Go back to your room, or go to sleep. I don’t care which.”
“Liar.” The Nightmare snuggled up behind her. In the darkness, at night, she was far larger than Twilight. Long limbs curled around Twilight’s body.
“Trying to sleep here.”
“Silly, you’re already asleep.”
Oh. That explained why they were lying tangled together on a giant book floating in the sky above Ponyville. Twilight frowned.
“Bit for your thoughts,” the Nightmare whispered. Her voice was filled with spiders.
Twilight rolled over in the demon’s grasp. “What do you want?”
“You. Luna is so boring these days. But you? We could rule the world, Twilight Sparkle.”
Twilight snorted. “Try offering me something I want, instead.”
“Something Twilight Sparkle wants?” A wide grin exposed teeth like stars. “You should be careful what you wish for.”
That had a dangerous sound to it. Twilight tried to push herself away, but the Nightmare’s grip was too strong.
“Relax,” the Nightmare whispered. She released Twilight and spread her legs, exposing every forbidden bit of her to Twilight’s eyes. A seam appeared in her flesh, from groin to chin, and her body opened like a book. Lines of black text covered her organs and bones and all the spaces in between. The scent of hot iron filled the room.
Twilight read all the night long. As always, the truth was in the margins.
It feels like there almost a tonal conflict in the story, as it swaps back between being serious and trying to be funny. The entire concept of the Nightmare just crashing at Twilight's place after being kicked out by Luna is absolutely great, and set the story up to be weird roommate shenanigans, especially with lines like "Can I eat your brain real quick?"
But then the ending is completely off from the rest of the story.
I still enjoyed the piece, though, just offering my thoughts.
But then the ending is completely off from the rest of the story.
I still enjoyed the piece, though, just offering my thoughts.
Agreed with >>Whitbane. The concept here is great, but the last scene is so at odds with everything that comes before, that it feels like the piece is trying to make a more serious point than it actually does. I hesitate to say that this should be longer, because I think it can be accomplished in just three scenes. But it needs to be more clear how the third scene works thematically and tonally.
I actually really liked the strange combination of seriousness and comedy, and that part at the end was the perfect weird twist that made the entire thing even better imo. You wrote the Nightmare really well, I could almost imagine a bit of South Park Saddam in it especially during the seduction.
This one is going to hit the top of my slate, that was really good.
This one is going to hit the top of my slate, that was really good.
This is so surreal and absurd and unusual, and I love it.
I guess that's the problem, I can't objectively analyze it because I'm biased toward... whatever this is. I enjoy it because it's so different and alien from anything I could think up, so how could I offer any suggestions without tainting that? I know it's probably not perfect, but it gets my heart's vote.
I guess that's the problem, I can't objectively analyze it because I'm biased toward... whatever this is. I enjoy it because it's so different and alien from anything I could think up, so how could I offer any suggestions without tainting that? I know it's probably not perfect, but it gets my heart's vote.
Put me in the >>Whitbane Whitbane camp of feeling that the ending feels out of place. We go from ha ha ex-girlfriend style humor to DARKNESS (imprisoning me, all that I see, absolute horror) at the drop of a hat, and it doesn't feel like it really gels well together? It isn't the most jarring thing I've ever read, but it just doesn't feel like a particularly great flow either.
To that end I also find myself kinda scratching my head at the last line. Like, it feels like it is supposed to be profound and meaningful, but it kinda registers to me as a non-sequitur. Maybe I'm tired or stupid, but I just don't really see what the line is actually trying to say or, if I do, how it relates back to anything previously built up towards.
Waking Twilight's reaction compared to dream Twilight's seems... odd. She appears to be effectively lucid dreaming once the Nightmare encroaches, so her reaction to it AFTER she awakens feels misplaced. If it isn't true lucid dreaming, then that actually removes the impact from the second dream scene, as Twilight isn't actually an active participant and just awakens exasperated, in theory.
Still. Cute idea and all around competent prose. Just needs a little streamlining in structure, IMO.
To that end I also find myself kinda scratching my head at the last line. Like, it feels like it is supposed to be profound and meaningful, but it kinda registers to me as a non-sequitur. Maybe I'm tired or stupid, but I just don't really see what the line is actually trying to say or, if I do, how it relates back to anything previously built up towards.
Waking Twilight's reaction compared to dream Twilight's seems... odd. She appears to be effectively lucid dreaming once the Nightmare encroaches, so her reaction to it AFTER she awakens feels misplaced. If it isn't true lucid dreaming, then that actually removes the impact from the second dream scene, as Twilight isn't actually an active participant and just awakens exasperated, in theory.
Still. Cute idea and all around competent prose. Just needs a little streamlining in structure, IMO.
>>AndrewRogue
I have a theory about that last line. What is usually in the margins of a book? Blank paper - the medium on which the story is told. What if the truth the last line is referring to is that the form of the story is more important than the story itself? Because the story is coming directly from the Nightmare, the words are (probably) the insidious way in which the Nightmare is bypassing Twilight's normal defenses. The words written on the Nightmare's innards are lies - the only truth that matters is the Nightmare herself, claiming victory over Twilight's subconscious mind.
Or, I'm totally overthinking this and it's just a salacious metaphor for graphic sex. ^^
I have a theory about that last line. What is usually in the margins of a book? Blank paper - the medium on which the story is told. What if the truth the last line is referring to is that the form of the story is more important than the story itself? Because the story is coming directly from the Nightmare, the words are (probably) the insidious way in which the Nightmare is bypassing Twilight's normal defenses. The words written on the Nightmare's innards are lies - the only truth that matters is the Nightmare herself, claiming victory over Twilight's subconscious mind.
Or, I'm totally overthinking this and it's just a salacious metaphor for graphic sex. ^^
Well. That was at once amusing and disturbing. But overall, pretty good. But I agree with >>AndrewRogue that the disinterested nature of Twilight when she's awake suggests that the ending isn't as serious as it seems, and the last line can either be taken as the author desperately trying to be profound and not pulling it off or a clue that nobody is ever going to get without proper explanation. Maybe both.
I don't really feel the 'seriousness' that others are claiming to have found. It feels more surreal than serious, which works fine with the more humorous elements in the story. Overall, clever idea and execution of it. Could make for a fun short series with Nightmare bedding each princess.
>>Miller Minus
Hey, it's almost that time of year again, isn't it? Already seeing Halloween decorations in the stores.
Hey, it's almost that time of year again, isn't it? Already seeing Halloween decorations in the stores.