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A Full Recovery
Rainbow Dash groaned as the bright lights on the ceiling burned into her skull. Squeezing her eyes shut, she rolled over onto her side, wincing slightly at the feeling of her wing squeezing uncomfortably against her side. Slowly opening her eyes again, she squinted at the black slate resting at the side of her bed, strange symbols spread across its face. It took her a few seconds to realize that it was writing, and she was just looking at it sideways. Turning her head to the other side, she felt the white pillow her head was resting on compress down against the thin mattress beneath her.
“Ugh. I’m in the hospital?” She sat up, reaching up one hoof to rub at her mane, only to find empty space on top of her head. “What the hay happened to my mane?”
A purple blob stirred by the side of her bed. It took Rainbow Dash a moment to focus on it, blinking as she suddenly realized that it had a horn and eyes. “Twilight?”
The alicorn blinked a few times before her own eyes focused on Rainbow Dash. “You’re awake! Oh, I’m so glad you’re okay!” A moment later Rainbow Dash found herself wrapped into a rather painful hug, wincing as broad purple hooves wrapped themselves around her wings.
“Ow! Not so tight!”
“Sorry!” Twilight sat back on her haunches, smiling apologetically before her eyes darted over Rainbow Dash’s covered form. “Oh no, nothing feels broken, does it? They said they were keeping you in a coma until you healed, but—“
“Wait, keeping me in a coma? Why would they keep me in a coma? Aren’t comas bad?” Rainbow Dash scowled, looking around the room. It didn’t look much like Ponyville hospital – but then, she hasn’t been in Ponyville, had she? Rainbow Dash lifted a hoof to her head, as if to ward away the fog that seemed to be lurking in her brain, before she blinked, remembering what Twilight said. She carefully shifted around in the bed, stretching out each of her six limbs in turn. “They seem okay.”
“Oh, good.” Twilight smiled.
“Where am I?” Rainbow Dash glanced around the room again, her eyes returning to the slate next to her bed, flicking over the words. She lifted a hoof to rub at her eyes, then read them again. “It says I’m in Ponyville? This doesn’t look like Ponyville hospital.”
“Oh, well, things are a bit different now.”
“I’ll say.” Rainbow Dash lifted a hoof to poke at the strange slate, blinking as a gray spot appeared underneath her hoof. Pulling it away from the screen, the spot lingered for a moment before it vanished. “Wait, wasn’t I just in Canterlot?”
Twilight brightened. “Oh, good. So you do remember!”
“Sort of. I remember doing the pierced heart. I… hit someone? And then I remember…” Rainbow Dash groaned. “Did I really crash into the stands?”
“Through them, actually. You were going pretty fast.” Twilight smiled wanly.
“Ugh. Is that why they cut off my mane? Was it all messed up or something?”
Twilight looked away. “Not exactly.”
Rainbow Dash looked over at her friends, her eyes focusing on her again. She blinked, then blinked again, staring. “Twilight? Are my eyes messed up, or is your mane doing the Princess Celestia thing?”
Twilight laughed self-consciously, lifting her hoof up to her shimmering, rippling mane. “Heh. Yeah. It started doing that a while ago.”
“A while ago?” Rainbow Dash rolled over, using one hoof to lever herself up. “I don’t remember it doing that.”
A puff of air left Twilight’s mouth. “You’ve… been out for a while, Rainbow.”
Rainbow Dash’s wings shuddered against her sides. “A while? How long is a while? A month? A year?”
Twilight trembled for a moment before closing her eyes, lifting one hoof to her chest and letting out a long, slow breath. Her eyes opened again and she smiled as she extended a hoof against Rainbow’s chest. “They all thought I was crazy, trying to save you. But I knew we’d be able to fix you eventually.”
“Twilight?” Rainbow Dash swallowed. “You didn’t answer my question.”
Twilight’s hoof shook against Rainbow Dash’s chest. “You were hurt so badly. They said there was nothing anypony could do. But I knew that things were getting better. I just needed more time.”
“Twilight—“
“So I used a cockatrice to—“
“Twilight!”
Tears shone in purple eyes as Twilight met her gaze.
“It’s been a hundred and twelve years.”
“Ugh. I’m in the hospital?” She sat up, reaching up one hoof to rub at her mane, only to find empty space on top of her head. “What the hay happened to my mane?”
A purple blob stirred by the side of her bed. It took Rainbow Dash a moment to focus on it, blinking as she suddenly realized that it had a horn and eyes. “Twilight?”
The alicorn blinked a few times before her own eyes focused on Rainbow Dash. “You’re awake! Oh, I’m so glad you’re okay!” A moment later Rainbow Dash found herself wrapped into a rather painful hug, wincing as broad purple hooves wrapped themselves around her wings.
“Ow! Not so tight!”
“Sorry!” Twilight sat back on her haunches, smiling apologetically before her eyes darted over Rainbow Dash’s covered form. “Oh no, nothing feels broken, does it? They said they were keeping you in a coma until you healed, but—“
“Wait, keeping me in a coma? Why would they keep me in a coma? Aren’t comas bad?” Rainbow Dash scowled, looking around the room. It didn’t look much like Ponyville hospital – but then, she hasn’t been in Ponyville, had she? Rainbow Dash lifted a hoof to her head, as if to ward away the fog that seemed to be lurking in her brain, before she blinked, remembering what Twilight said. She carefully shifted around in the bed, stretching out each of her six limbs in turn. “They seem okay.”
“Oh, good.” Twilight smiled.
“Where am I?” Rainbow Dash glanced around the room again, her eyes returning to the slate next to her bed, flicking over the words. She lifted a hoof to rub at her eyes, then read them again. “It says I’m in Ponyville? This doesn’t look like Ponyville hospital.”
“Oh, well, things are a bit different now.”
“I’ll say.” Rainbow Dash lifted a hoof to poke at the strange slate, blinking as a gray spot appeared underneath her hoof. Pulling it away from the screen, the spot lingered for a moment before it vanished. “Wait, wasn’t I just in Canterlot?”
Twilight brightened. “Oh, good. So you do remember!”
“Sort of. I remember doing the pierced heart. I… hit someone? And then I remember…” Rainbow Dash groaned. “Did I really crash into the stands?”
“Through them, actually. You were going pretty fast.” Twilight smiled wanly.
“Ugh. Is that why they cut off my mane? Was it all messed up or something?”
Twilight looked away. “Not exactly.”
Rainbow Dash looked over at her friends, her eyes focusing on her again. She blinked, then blinked again, staring. “Twilight? Are my eyes messed up, or is your mane doing the Princess Celestia thing?”
Twilight laughed self-consciously, lifting her hoof up to her shimmering, rippling mane. “Heh. Yeah. It started doing that a while ago.”
“A while ago?” Rainbow Dash rolled over, using one hoof to lever herself up. “I don’t remember it doing that.”
A puff of air left Twilight’s mouth. “You’ve… been out for a while, Rainbow.”
Rainbow Dash’s wings shuddered against her sides. “A while? How long is a while? A month? A year?”
Twilight trembled for a moment before closing her eyes, lifting one hoof to her chest and letting out a long, slow breath. Her eyes opened again and she smiled as she extended a hoof against Rainbow’s chest. “They all thought I was crazy, trying to save you. But I knew we’d be able to fix you eventually.”
“Twilight?” Rainbow Dash swallowed. “You didn’t answer my question.”
Twilight’s hoof shook against Rainbow Dash’s chest. “You were hurt so badly. They said there was nothing anypony could do. But I knew that things were getting better. I just needed more time.”
“Twilight—“
“So I used a cockatrice to—“
“Twilight!”
Tears shone in purple eyes as Twilight met her gaze.
“It’s been a hundred and twelve years.”
I like this story concept, and it was written well, but it'd be better if there was more to it...
Wait hold on, I know what you're thinking. That's the most generic feedback you can get in minific rounds, right -- "It's a good beginning, gimme more" but I can't give you more here, the max is 750 words!put the rest of the story in the bag and no one gets hurt
what I mean is, I like the reveal at the end, and I think it could've gotten there a lot sooner. the sensory experience of Rainbow waking up is kinda nice, but the revealed idea at the end doesn't change anything when going back to read again, because the clues are all pointing towards that logical conclusion. and I get the feeling this wanted to be more of an "idea" piece, because of the slight sci-fi flavor at the end. there's a lot of directions the story could turn next, and I wanted to see which one the author would choose. "Play your cards early, it forces you to come up with new cards."
so basically, I think a lot of this nice prose could've been cut to make room for more story beats, maybe another scene, all within 750 words. "First chapters" get a little too common in minific rounds, and I don't mean to pick on this story alone for that. I'm only bringing it up here because I think this one had a lot of potential to be a great minific. Above comments say that it's common or predictable as a story, but I'd sharpen that in saying it's only a common beginning, not yet a full story. That's why reactions are so still and lukewarm.
(of course, 750 word minifics are unpublishable on FimFic, so none of this is helpful criticism for what already exists here. apologies.)
Wait hold on, I know what you're thinking. That's the most generic feedback you can get in minific rounds, right -- "It's a good beginning, gimme more" but I can't give you more here, the max is 750 words!
what I mean is, I like the reveal at the end, and I think it could've gotten there a lot sooner. the sensory experience of Rainbow waking up is kinda nice, but the revealed idea at the end doesn't change anything when going back to read again, because the clues are all pointing towards that logical conclusion. and I get the feeling this wanted to be more of an "idea" piece, because of the slight sci-fi flavor at the end. there's a lot of directions the story could turn next, and I wanted to see which one the author would choose. "Play your cards early, it forces you to come up with new cards."
so basically, I think a lot of this nice prose could've been cut to make room for more story beats, maybe another scene, all within 750 words. "First chapters" get a little too common in minific rounds, and I don't mean to pick on this story alone for that. I'm only bringing it up here because I think this one had a lot of potential to be a great minific. Above comments say that it's common or predictable as a story, but I'd sharpen that in saying it's only a common beginning, not yet a full story. That's why reactions are so still and lukewarm.
(of course, 750 word minifics are unpublishable on FimFic, so none of this is helpful criticism for what already exists here. apologies.)
This is a very, very cool idea. I don't think I've yet seen this particular flavor of the premise before, so kudos to you for being creative. Color me jealous. :P
Still, I have to be a bit honest and say on a whole, I'm not sure if this does its job. I'm a firm believe that a story isn't just an idea alone, no matter how interesting that idea is. And when we look at this story, there are really no character beats or story points that we couldn't assume from the premise alone (Dash being confused, Twilight being relieved). I feel like even one more sentence of story that gives us an impression of Dash's reaction could really go a long way, especially if that reaction is unexpected. I mean, what if it turns out that after thinking it over, Dash is pretty cool with it? Or she could resent Twilight, or anything else.
My point is, I think a story at a basic level needs to state something about the characters or about life in general, so I wholeheartedly encourage you to make full use of this intriguing premise that you've set up! Of the many Writeoff stories I've read, this is definitely one of the ones that I think would benefit the most from being rewritten into a longer story, so I highly recommend doing so.
Still, I have to be a bit honest and say on a whole, I'm not sure if this does its job. I'm a firm believe that a story isn't just an idea alone, no matter how interesting that idea is. And when we look at this story, there are really no character beats or story points that we couldn't assume from the premise alone (Dash being confused, Twilight being relieved). I feel like even one more sentence of story that gives us an impression of Dash's reaction could really go a long way, especially if that reaction is unexpected. I mean, what if it turns out that after thinking it over, Dash is pretty cool with it? Or she could resent Twilight, or anything else.
My point is, I think a story at a basic level needs to state something about the characters or about life in general, so I wholeheartedly encourage you to make full use of this intriguing premise that you've set up! Of the many Writeoff stories I've read, this is definitely one of the ones that I think would benefit the most from being rewritten into a longer story, so I highly recommend doing so.
Oh heck. Why did I get so many like this on my slate?
I'm afraid I'll have to echo what >>Haze and >>Bachiavellian said. Combine their comments and you got my reaction.
Tier: Pretty good.
I'm afraid I'll have to echo what >>Haze and >>Bachiavellian said. Combine their comments and you got my reaction.
Tier: Pretty good.
The idea is very cliche, but it does use elements within the universe, so that does make it a little bit better. The cockatrice freezing is a great way to sort of squeeze around the coma thing, and it works fairly well.
It is well-written, but the idea of the story isn't that original.
It is well-written, but the idea of the story isn't that original.