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The Forgiven
"Once again, Twilight," Rarity said, voice subdued, "I wish that I could express just how deeply sorry I am."
Twilight Sparkle sighed, her voice for the first time taking on a hint of exasperation. "Once again, love, I wish you would internalize that I forgive you."
Rarity huddled further into the back corner, suppressing a shiver, and wrapped her forelegs around her chest. "You shouldn't," she murmured. "I wouldn't, in your horseshoes. I don't understand how you can."
The front half of the room stirred, gleaming scales shifting. The prone dragon's muzzle opened—though his eyes failed to focus on anything—and several agitated nonsense syllables came out in Spike's rumbling baritone. Instinctively, Rarity's hoof shot forward—then she froze, her eyes flicking over to Twilight's. She balled back up again, muzzle flushing.
Twilight turned and pressed her body against Spike's chest, spreading a wing to cover more of it; his motions slowed, but his muttering didn't cease. "Rarity, this isn't the time for guilt," Twilight said gently. "I can't do this alone. He needs you."
Even at that, Rarity had a false start before emerging from her corner. She crept forward and tentatively leaned against Spike's chest alongside Twilight, not meeting the alicorn's eyes. Spike stirred, one claw draping over Rarity, and he finally quieted. Rarity's muzzle contorted, and she turned her face away.
"I'm the Princess of Friendship," Twilight said in the silence.
Rarity started. "Pardon?"
"You didn't understand how I could forgive you." Twilight was smiling—actually smiling, even if her expression was wistful—as she brushed a hoof to Rarity's shoulder. "I'm the Princess of Friendship. What kind of pony would I be if I wasn't willing to make sacrifices for my friends?"
As the spell took hold, Queen Feral shrieked and spasmed, back arching. Twilight waited, listening as the mad howls resolved into formless words and then took form. "Phweeeh nhhh whrrmm. Hhhhh. Hhheart-ssspawn!" Feral lunged, but Twilight stood her ground, and the ghostly queen danced back on the icy wind. "You invade my lands, you invade my sanctum, and now you invade my mind! I will grind your flayed bones to powder, impudent flesh-thing!"
"Deal with it," Twilight said, voice tight. "I had to be able to talk to you to offer a bargain."
"This is my bargain," Feral hissed, and with a glint of her eye the temperature plummeted and ice began to creep up Twilight's legs. "I will suck you dry for this insult, and—"
Twilight's horn flared to life. Feral screeched, and both she and her cold retreated.
"I'm the Princess of Friendship," Twilight said, hard and brittle. "I am, objectively speaking, Equestria's fifth greatest expert at weaponizing love. And I assure you that—despite the circumstances—I retain more than enough love to wipe the snows clean of your kind."
Feral glared, stalking back and forth at a distance, and spoke through clenched teeth. "Why. Are. You. Here."
The blank mask that Twilight had been wearing since her arrival finally wavered. "Because I caught my best friend and my wife—" She broke off as Feral's eyes gleamed. The temperature plummeted. Twilight pushed a hoof from her chest with a tight exhalation, limbs quivering with repressed energy, and the cold fractionally receded.
"They, too, shall feed my whelps," Feral growled as she advanced.
"No," Twilight said firmly. "No, Windigo Queen, they will not, because here is our bargain." Her lower jaw began to quiver, and her eyes rimmed with tears. "Y-you will." She faltered and composed herself. "You will relieve me of my burden, and swear a binding oath to allow me to leave your lands unharmed. You will keep what you take. And in exchange, you will live."
At that, Feral paused and considered.
"Anger from an alicorn, freely given," she said slowly. She bared teeth, and in the chill, they looked like fangs.
Spike stirred again. His grip on Rarity tightened. Rarity saw Twilight's eyes flick down to his arm—and shuddered as she remembered Twilight's expression at the moment of discovery. But this time Twilight was calm, detached. Not a hint of that earlier betrayal.
"We'll get through this, love," Twilight said, breath condensing into a cloud. Her words were almost inaudible over the howl of the storms battering the world outside. "Starlight will think of something." She rested a wing on Rarity's shivering shoulder and brushed a hoof over Spike's blue-tinged scales. "The important thing is, we'll beat this together."
Spike whimpered as an especially fierce gust rattled the windowpanes.
"C-c-cold," he whispered.
Twilight Sparkle sighed, her voice for the first time taking on a hint of exasperation. "Once again, love, I wish you would internalize that I forgive you."
Rarity huddled further into the back corner, suppressing a shiver, and wrapped her forelegs around her chest. "You shouldn't," she murmured. "I wouldn't, in your horseshoes. I don't understand how you can."
The front half of the room stirred, gleaming scales shifting. The prone dragon's muzzle opened—though his eyes failed to focus on anything—and several agitated nonsense syllables came out in Spike's rumbling baritone. Instinctively, Rarity's hoof shot forward—then she froze, her eyes flicking over to Twilight's. She balled back up again, muzzle flushing.
Twilight turned and pressed her body against Spike's chest, spreading a wing to cover more of it; his motions slowed, but his muttering didn't cease. "Rarity, this isn't the time for guilt," Twilight said gently. "I can't do this alone. He needs you."
Even at that, Rarity had a false start before emerging from her corner. She crept forward and tentatively leaned against Spike's chest alongside Twilight, not meeting the alicorn's eyes. Spike stirred, one claw draping over Rarity, and he finally quieted. Rarity's muzzle contorted, and she turned her face away.
"I'm the Princess of Friendship," Twilight said in the silence.
Rarity started. "Pardon?"
"You didn't understand how I could forgive you." Twilight was smiling—actually smiling, even if her expression was wistful—as she brushed a hoof to Rarity's shoulder. "I'm the Princess of Friendship. What kind of pony would I be if I wasn't willing to make sacrifices for my friends?"
As the spell took hold, Queen Feral shrieked and spasmed, back arching. Twilight waited, listening as the mad howls resolved into formless words and then took form. "Phweeeh nhhh whrrmm. Hhhhh. Hhheart-ssspawn!" Feral lunged, but Twilight stood her ground, and the ghostly queen danced back on the icy wind. "You invade my lands, you invade my sanctum, and now you invade my mind! I will grind your flayed bones to powder, impudent flesh-thing!"
"Deal with it," Twilight said, voice tight. "I had to be able to talk to you to offer a bargain."
"This is my bargain," Feral hissed, and with a glint of her eye the temperature plummeted and ice began to creep up Twilight's legs. "I will suck you dry for this insult, and—"
Twilight's horn flared to life. Feral screeched, and both she and her cold retreated.
"I'm the Princess of Friendship," Twilight said, hard and brittle. "I am, objectively speaking, Equestria's fifth greatest expert at weaponizing love. And I assure you that—despite the circumstances—I retain more than enough love to wipe the snows clean of your kind."
Feral glared, stalking back and forth at a distance, and spoke through clenched teeth. "Why. Are. You. Here."
The blank mask that Twilight had been wearing since her arrival finally wavered. "Because I caught my best friend and my wife—" She broke off as Feral's eyes gleamed. The temperature plummeted. Twilight pushed a hoof from her chest with a tight exhalation, limbs quivering with repressed energy, and the cold fractionally receded.
"They, too, shall feed my whelps," Feral growled as she advanced.
"No," Twilight said firmly. "No, Windigo Queen, they will not, because here is our bargain." Her lower jaw began to quiver, and her eyes rimmed with tears. "Y-you will." She faltered and composed herself. "You will relieve me of my burden, and swear a binding oath to allow me to leave your lands unharmed. You will keep what you take. And in exchange, you will live."
At that, Feral paused and considered.
"Anger from an alicorn, freely given," she said slowly. She bared teeth, and in the chill, they looked like fangs.
Spike stirred again. His grip on Rarity tightened. Rarity saw Twilight's eyes flick down to his arm—and shuddered as she remembered Twilight's expression at the moment of discovery. But this time Twilight was calm, detached. Not a hint of that earlier betrayal.
"We'll get through this, love," Twilight said, breath condensing into a cloud. Her words were almost inaudible over the howl of the storms battering the world outside. "Starlight will think of something." She rested a wing on Rarity's shivering shoulder and brushed a hoof over Spike's blue-tinged scales. "The important thing is, we'll beat this together."
Spike whimpered as an especially fierce gust rattled the windowpanes.
"C-c-cold," he whispered.
So... Twilight destroyed world+dog because of revenge or maybe friendship? That's pretty bleak, and a bit of a hard sell, tbh. Especially since a 'killed the adulterers' thing makes most sense in a heat-of-the-moment. (For an example of how this sort of convoluted revenge scheme can work with that, try Alfred Bester's 'The Men Who Murdered Mohammed'.) Still, the emotional punch here is pretty decent, and I like that.
The voice is strong and your prose is enjoyable, but I’m with Hat here on the basic premise and Twilight’s actions being a sort of hard sell. Perosnally I would ditch the romance aspect entirely as I’m not sure it adds a whole lot to the story? The general concept you have with the windego is great and you should be able to carry that on its own.
I don't understand the motivations of this stories Twilight. She caught her wife, Rarity, cheating on her with Spike. She was very angry but willingly gave that anger to the Windigo Queen in exchange for leaving safely, apparently saving the windigo's life. And then it seems like the windigoes are attacking anyways and Spike is dying. Did she mean for the Windigoes to attack for revenge? Did she just want her anger gone? What was the reasoning for Twilight doing any of that? I'm so lost.
Disclaimer: This is the opinion of a sick person who is too medicated to think overly clearly on top of not knowing what is objectively good or bad writing.
Disclaimer: This is the opinion of a sick person who is too medicated to think overly clearly on top of not knowing what is objectively good or bad writing.
>>Not_A_Hat
>>regidar
>>thisisalongname
I think my esteemed colleagues misread this story. Here's my take on it:
Twilight caught the adulterers, and was filled with rage. So, to not do something to them and to free herself of those feelings, she went to Queen Feral and let her live in exchange of the Queen devouring the anger. Then Twilight returned to Ponyville free of hate, but soon the unintentionally powered up wendigo followed.
This was an interesting read, with a little moral about suppressing problems instead of facing them. Well written and packing some punch. Not sure I would change anything in it.
Thank you for the submission.
>>regidar
>>thisisalongname
I think my esteemed colleagues misread this story. Here's my take on it:
Twilight caught the adulterers, and was filled with rage. So, to not do something to them and to free herself of those feelings, she went to Queen Feral and let her live in exchange of the Queen devouring the anger. Then Twilight returned to Ponyville free of hate, but soon the unintentionally powered up wendigo followed.
This was an interesting read, with a little moral about suppressing problems instead of facing them. Well written and packing some punch. Not sure I would change anything in it.
Thank you for the submission.
You know, I really like the idea of feeding a windego one's anger or other negative emotions to be relieved of them, a sort of Deal-with-the-Devil thing. However, Twilight being shipped with Rarity so that way she could in turn cheat with Spike felt somewhat clunky. Personally, I would have gone with Luna, Starlight Glimmer or Tempest since they have good enough reasons to desire abandoning their old anger without the need of stretching romances.
The first three paragraphs got me really interested. But right then is when I expected some more clarity on what's happening, but it doesn't reveal much. And then it throws me into the middle section, really throwing me into confusion when I wanted to know more about what was happening in the hook. The crucial info doesn't get revealed until even later, but I actually missed that line, and was surprised that every other commenter read something into this that I missed. My fault on that one, though. Anyway, this is a story that requires multiple readings.
My first impression on the middle section was seeing it being more metaphorical than literal events, not a flashback but maybe some internal struggle. I'm not sure. It's a fascinating twist, and I think I get the message of the story, but I think I don't really feel the emotion. Possibly because it took that extra bit of work to understand the conflict going on.
I find the situation a little off because Twilight and Spike have more of a familial bond than merely "best friends", but maybe others feel differently.
My first impression on the middle section was seeing it being more metaphorical than literal events, not a flashback but maybe some internal struggle. I'm not sure. It's a fascinating twist, and I think I get the message of the story, but I think I don't really feel the emotion. Possibly because it took that extra bit of work to understand the conflict going on.
I find the situation a little off because Twilight and Spike have more of a familial bond than merely "best friends", but maybe others feel differently.
Reveal stories have to walk the edge of a knife; too obvious and the impact will be lost, too subtle and readers will be lost. I figured out what was going on (or at least arrived at the same conclusion as kettle) right at the end, but I can understand why others were confused.
Personally I found this story clever and couldn't wait to check the comments after reading it, but between that and the subject matter I wouldn't be surprised if this one ends up with most controversial.
Personally I found this story clever and couldn't wait to check the comments after reading it, but between that and the subject matter I wouldn't be surprised if this one ends up with most controversial.
Well, the idea is nice, but I'm really not into shipping stories of any sort, so… That left me rather unconcerned. The concept is nice, but there's absolutely zero impact on me. I cannot decently penalise this fic because of a personal bias, so I'm going to put it right in the middle of my slate.
I got the same result as >>Orbiting_kettle did, and overall I liked it. there's a lot that can be done with this, so much so that the idea deserves the proper novel treatment more than any other I've read in this writeoff.
But, I find it hard to believe that Twilight wouldn't suspect her actions would power up the Wendigo. I also don't understand how the hate would be any more powerful because an alicorn feels it. It's not like being an alicorn makes Twilight's hate stronger. If you'd tried to sell it as Twilight having absolute hatred in her heart, unlinked to who and what she is, then I might have bought it.
I'm also seriously questioning how what appears to be a fully grown Spike would be able to engage in any sort of affair with Rarity. That some crazy derpibooru clop stuff, that. Maybe if the nature of the affair had been clarified, but if it was anything tame then I find Twilight's hatred uncharacteristically overblown.
But, I find it hard to believe that Twilight wouldn't suspect her actions would power up the Wendigo. I also don't understand how the hate would be any more powerful because an alicorn feels it. It's not like being an alicorn makes Twilight's hate stronger. If you'd tried to sell it as Twilight having absolute hatred in her heart, unlinked to who and what she is, then I might have bought it.
I'm also seriously questioning how what appears to be a fully grown Spike would be able to engage in any sort of affair with Rarity. That some crazy derpibooru clop stuff, that. Maybe if the nature of the affair had been clarified, but if it was anything tame then I find Twilight's hatred uncharacteristically overblown.
Fsck. I wrote up a lengthy retrospective and my browser ate it due to a network glitch. ;_;
So, uh, you're probably not going to get a longer explanation. But I did still want to note:
1) >>Orbiting_kettle's interpretation is exactly what I intended.
2) Since comments seemed about 50/50 split between those who reached that interpretation and those who didn't, what could I have added to the story in order to make you interpret it that way? Was there anything in the story which you felt pulled you away from that interpretation?
There are elements, like the central romance, which just aren't going to work for some people due to headcanon clashes (unless I rewrite the story from scratch, removing the romance like >>Ion-Sturm suggests), but if I'm not communicating the premise I think that's something that can be usefully fixed.
>>PaulAsaran >>MLPmatthewl419 >>Monokeras >>Bremen >>Haze >>thisisalongname >>regidar >>Not_A_Hat
So, uh, you're probably not going to get a longer explanation. But I did still want to note:
1) >>Orbiting_kettle's interpretation is exactly what I intended.
2) Since comments seemed about 50/50 split between those who reached that interpretation and those who didn't, what could I have added to the story in order to make you interpret it that way? Was there anything in the story which you felt pulled you away from that interpretation?
There are elements, like the central romance, which just aren't going to work for some people due to headcanon clashes (unless I rewrite the story from scratch, removing the romance like >>Ion-Sturm suggests), but if I'm not communicating the premise I think that's something that can be usefully fixed.
>>PaulAsaran >>MLPmatthewl419 >>Monokeras >>Bremen >>Haze >>thisisalongname >>regidar >>Not_A_Hat
>>horizon
Work on the transitions between scenes, I think. Make it a bit more obvious what's happening, make it a smoother flow, etc. That's what really caused me to not understand it; it felt like three separate stories.
Work on the transitions between scenes, I think. Make it a bit more obvious what's happening, make it a smoother flow, etc. That's what really caused me to not understand it; it felt like three separate stories.