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The Sorrows of Young Poindexter
Another ordinary day at Canterlot High.
"Fluttershy, would you..." Poindexter sniffled his nose and wiped it on his sleeve. "Would you consider going on a date with me?"
"Oh, dear," said Fluttershy, backing slowly away. "Oh, um, well..."
She could not find a way out of saying it, so she just said it.
"No. I'm sorry. But no."
"Well!" shouted Poindexter, throwing up his hands. "That's it! Now I've officially asked out every girl in the school. And they've all said no!"
Fluttershy winced as the words sunk in. She sensed a genuine, heartfelt pity for poor Poindexter welling up within her bosom. Maybe she could...
...no. It was out of the question.
"Well," she said as Poindexter began to stalk off, "just because none of the girls at this school like you doesn't mean that no one will! I'm sure it'll happen for you someday..."
In an instant, Poindexter was at her side, clasping her hands in front of his heart. His eyes were wide and wet.
"Y-You really mean it?" he stammered. "Even someone like me can find love?"
"Umm..." Fluttershy gingerly removed her hands from Poindexter's sweaty clasp. "Well... Yes! I think?" She gave an obviously forced smile.
Poindexter looked her in the face, but Fluttershy could not keep eye contact. He dropped his eyes, and his shoulders slumped.
"Sure," he said, quietly and deliberately, as his voice crawled to a whisper. "You're right. I'll find love someday."
"Yeah!" said Fluttershy, staring at the tiled floor. "Of course you will."
The bell rung, and without another word, the two of them parted to head to their classes.
Poindexter was at a loss.
He sat at the dinner table across from his dad. The two of them were shoveling down forkfuls of instant ramen. To one side of them, the tower of dishes in the kitchen sink was leaning, swaying in a delicate yet awe-inspiring way; to the other, the staticky television was tuned to college football.
"I don't get it, Dad," said Poindexter. "What am I doing wrong?"
His dad swallowed a mouthful. "Wanna know the truth? You bathe too much."
"I... what?"
"You're washing away your natural smell. Women like the smell of a man."
Poindexter furrowed his brow and opened his mouth to say something. But, changing his mind, he swallowed his words and picked up his fork.
"I'll give it a try, Dad, thanks," he said in a flat monotone.
The next day, in the parking lot before school, Poindexter was accosted by a group of four girls.
"We're sorry!" shouted Pinkie Pie.
Poindexter felt a groan form in his gut. "Hmm? What for?" he said as nonchalantly as he could.
Sunset Shimmer stepped in. "What Pinkie means is, we just want you to know that even though we don't like you like you, we still like you as a friend and as a person."
"Yeah!" said Pinkie. "All of us love you as a friend!"
"We're sorry if we hurt your feelings," said Fluttershy. "You're a very nice boy."
"Indeed," Rarity said, nodding. "And so intelligent, too—why, the way it looks, you're going to be running a software company someday and be dating supermodels!"
Poindexter winced internally.
"All right," he said, nodding along and trying to put on a sunny face. "Thanks, all of you. I appreciate it."
"No problem!" said Pinkie Pie, as the gaggle of women drifted away toward the band room. "Cheering each other up is what friends are for!" She came back and gave Poindexter a quick side hug before scurrying away. "See you around, Dex!"
Once the girls were out of sight, Poindexter heaved an enormous sigh and leaned his palms against the nearest wall. His head buzzed and he tried to catch his breath.
That's it, he decided. I've got to start lifting weights.
"Fluttershy, would you..." Poindexter sniffled his nose and wiped it on his sleeve. "Would you consider going on a date with me?"
"Oh, dear," said Fluttershy, backing slowly away. "Oh, um, well..."
She could not find a way out of saying it, so she just said it.
"No. I'm sorry. But no."
"Well!" shouted Poindexter, throwing up his hands. "That's it! Now I've officially asked out every girl in the school. And they've all said no!"
Fluttershy winced as the words sunk in. She sensed a genuine, heartfelt pity for poor Poindexter welling up within her bosom. Maybe she could...
...no. It was out of the question.
"Well," she said as Poindexter began to stalk off, "just because none of the girls at this school like you doesn't mean that no one will! I'm sure it'll happen for you someday..."
In an instant, Poindexter was at her side, clasping her hands in front of his heart. His eyes were wide and wet.
"Y-You really mean it?" he stammered. "Even someone like me can find love?"
"Umm..." Fluttershy gingerly removed her hands from Poindexter's sweaty clasp. "Well... Yes! I think?" She gave an obviously forced smile.
Poindexter looked her in the face, but Fluttershy could not keep eye contact. He dropped his eyes, and his shoulders slumped.
"Sure," he said, quietly and deliberately, as his voice crawled to a whisper. "You're right. I'll find love someday."
"Yeah!" said Fluttershy, staring at the tiled floor. "Of course you will."
The bell rung, and without another word, the two of them parted to head to their classes.
Poindexter was at a loss.
He sat at the dinner table across from his dad. The two of them were shoveling down forkfuls of instant ramen. To one side of them, the tower of dishes in the kitchen sink was leaning, swaying in a delicate yet awe-inspiring way; to the other, the staticky television was tuned to college football.
"I don't get it, Dad," said Poindexter. "What am I doing wrong?"
His dad swallowed a mouthful. "Wanna know the truth? You bathe too much."
"I... what?"
"You're washing away your natural smell. Women like the smell of a man."
Poindexter furrowed his brow and opened his mouth to say something. But, changing his mind, he swallowed his words and picked up his fork.
"I'll give it a try, Dad, thanks," he said in a flat monotone.
The next day, in the parking lot before school, Poindexter was accosted by a group of four girls.
"We're sorry!" shouted Pinkie Pie.
Poindexter felt a groan form in his gut. "Hmm? What for?" he said as nonchalantly as he could.
Sunset Shimmer stepped in. "What Pinkie means is, we just want you to know that even though we don't like you like you, we still like you as a friend and as a person."
"Yeah!" said Pinkie. "All of us love you as a friend!"
"We're sorry if we hurt your feelings," said Fluttershy. "You're a very nice boy."
"Indeed," Rarity said, nodding. "And so intelligent, too—why, the way it looks, you're going to be running a software company someday and be dating supermodels!"
Poindexter winced internally.
"All right," he said, nodding along and trying to put on a sunny face. "Thanks, all of you. I appreciate it."
"No problem!" said Pinkie Pie, as the gaggle of women drifted away toward the band room. "Cheering each other up is what friends are for!" She came back and gave Poindexter a quick side hug before scurrying away. "See you around, Dex!"
Once the girls were out of sight, Poindexter heaved an enormous sigh and leaned his palms against the nearest wall. His head buzzed and he tried to catch his breath.
That's it, he decided. I've got to start lifting weights.
This one didn't quite do it for me. I like the idea of the story, but I'm not that enamored by how it plays out. Our central character has pretty much zero agency from the beginning until the end. I felt like nothing that he did or said really matters. The girls resolve the plot (by presumably having a character development moment off-screen), and it doesn't quite feel satisfying, since the story is supposed to be about Poindexter (I think).
There is a situation here that is ripe for humor and/or character development. Like I said, I think the general premise is a pretty good one, but it probably needs a little bit of top-down structural work for it to really do its job.
There is a situation here that is ripe for humor and/or character development. Like I said, I think the general premise is a pretty good one, but it probably needs a little bit of top-down structural work for it to really do its job.
>>Bachiavellian
I'm an idiot. The whole point of the story just clicked for me when I was looking at the prompt. This is why I suck at reading comedies.
I will still stand by what I said about the importance central character agency, but I totally get that this is being played for humorous reasons, now. I now think that your biggest issue is that all of these "life sucks for Poindexter" moments kinda come out rapid-fire, which is likely what threw me off the intended meaning in the first place. Maybe a longer story will give you a chance to make the main character have a stronger footing while also giving you the chance to humorously rip control away from him.
I'm an idiot. The whole point of the story just clicked for me when I was looking at the prompt. This is why I suck at reading comedies.
I will still stand by what I said about the importance central character agency, but I totally get that this is being played for humorous reasons, now. I now think that your biggest issue is that all of these "life sucks for Poindexter" moments kinda come out rapid-fire, which is likely what threw me off the intended meaning in the first place. Maybe a longer story will give you a chance to make the main character have a stronger footing while also giving you the chance to humorously rip control away from him.
This didn't stir much in me. I didn't find the humor satisfying (maybe because I relate too much? ohgodimsolonelywhy *goes cry in a corner* ), but it's not sad either. It's just... a cold shower. Quite fitting with the prompt anyway.
I agree that the scenes felt a bit too fast. But I realize it's not easy to have three dialogue scenes in a minific.
I agree that the scenes felt a bit too fast. But I realize it's not easy to have three dialogue scenes in a minific.
I'll put it simply. I did not care while reading this, at all.
This is because, mostly, I had no clue who the hell Poindexter was. I had to google it. Other than that, it just went too fast. You didn't give any character time to shine. It feels like you went for quantity, not quality. Now, I know it may feel I'm being really harsh, but that's because I like the idea. I want to make this better. The only way to do that, however, is point out its flaws.
Tier: Keep developing!
This is because, mostly, I had no clue who the hell Poindexter was. I had to google it. Other than that, it just went too fast. You didn't give any character time to shine. It feels like you went for quantity, not quality. Now, I know it may feel I'm being really harsh, but that's because I like the idea. I want to make this better. The only way to do that, however, is point out its flaws.
Tier: Keep developing!
