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Fragments
Ice cracked and webbed beneath, lurching echoes of footsteps in halls that had long been undisturbed. Banners hung mid-flap, stained glass windows chilled to the point where a bitter breath could shatter them into a thousand iridescent shards. The pair was only spared from suffering a similar fate to the statuesque bodies they awkwardly maneuvered around by the thick suits they wore, kept warm by canisters of raw Fire sewn into back pouches.
“Grand Loremaster,” his attendant said whilst stepping over a prone unicorn, careful to keep his tail well away from its icicled horn, “I believe the crew will finish soon. The council wishes for a report—”
“They will have their report.” The response sounded even-tempered, but the dragon’s teeth belied his irritation. “Despite living through it, their dispassion for history is exactly why most of them remain frozen to their seats in the old chambers.” He ignored his attendant rolling their eyes; it was one piece of history the Loremaster oft-repeated enough that even he could understand their annoyance. A gloved claw pointed at the dais they had been approaching, along with the lonely throne atop it. “She sat there, once, the Lightbringer. Mayhaps we will live to see her astride it again.” He turned to look at his subordinate. “That is why we are here, not for the council, not for ourselves, but for our people and all others under our protection.”
He quashed any reply by turning and retracing his frozen steps. The throne remained, as splendid and cold as it had ever been.
In a scant few minutes they reached observatory tower and begin climbing its spiraling staircase to the unfeeling heavens. The moon watched them ascend unblinkingly, surrounded by the halo of light they sought to free. The stillness was broken by the sound of something now otherwise extinct on the surface; Fire, burning bright and hot. The taskmaster saluted as the pair stepped onto the landing.
“Dogs are just finishing up, Grand Loremaster,” the wiry dragon said, head tilting towards the suited diamond dogs wielding blowtorches. Only distilled dragon Fire could melt through the enchanted frost holding the castle’s doors fast, and the dogs had proven valuable as a workforce. They were the only other race deep enough to survive the Freezing; even now the permafrost crept ever closer to their dens. The dogs were equally driven to find a solution, with diets that couldn’t subsist purely on minerals, nor could they escape the cold in lava pools. The dragons gave Fire, they provided labour, it was as mutually beneficial as they could hope for.
A sound like breaking glass, if it was more pure in tone, sung from the doors as the dogs pulled them open. The air was filled with crystalline shards, beautiful and deadly in equal measure if they should puncture a suit. Great gouts of Fire banished them and, after a few safety sweeps of the flamethrowers, the all-clear was given. Stepping inside the observatory, the Loremaster allowed himself his first genuine smile in decades.
Their bearers were frozen, but the Elements of Harmony upon them were untouched. “Bring them to the caves. Warm them up, slowly. With fortune the Elements kept them alive.” The dogs quickly set to work with diligence and care, befitting his hand-picked choices.
“Weren’t there only six Elements of Harmony?” his attendant said, gesturing to the remaining figure. Whereas the Elements looked like they’d been caught unawares, as other surface dwellers during the Freezing had, the seventh looked to be in the throes of weeping.
Only ancient art showed her true form. “That is Luna, sister to the Lightbringer, no longer in the guise of Nightmare. It seems as if she could only appreciate the enormity of her actions in her final moments.” He looked back at his attendant. “Leave. Now.” A snarl surprised them enough to clear the doorway, which was quickly slammed shut. Now alone, the Loremaster carried Luna to the observatory’s deck.
He set her down almost reverently. “I wonder if you’re still alive in there. I hope so, trapped deep in yourself like we are below the surface.” Grunting with effort, he wrenched free a chunk of ice-encrusted railing. “If you can, look upon your moon one last time and find all the spite and misery you have wrought upon yourself and the world.” He lifted his weapon high.
“For Celestia, and for Twilight.”
Spike brought it down, and through the moon’s fragments he felt the sun shine once more.
“Grand Loremaster,” his attendant said whilst stepping over a prone unicorn, careful to keep his tail well away from its icicled horn, “I believe the crew will finish soon. The council wishes for a report—”
“They will have their report.” The response sounded even-tempered, but the dragon’s teeth belied his irritation. “Despite living through it, their dispassion for history is exactly why most of them remain frozen to their seats in the old chambers.” He ignored his attendant rolling their eyes; it was one piece of history the Loremaster oft-repeated enough that even he could understand their annoyance. A gloved claw pointed at the dais they had been approaching, along with the lonely throne atop it. “She sat there, once, the Lightbringer. Mayhaps we will live to see her astride it again.” He turned to look at his subordinate. “That is why we are here, not for the council, not for ourselves, but for our people and all others under our protection.”
He quashed any reply by turning and retracing his frozen steps. The throne remained, as splendid and cold as it had ever been.
In a scant few minutes they reached observatory tower and begin climbing its spiraling staircase to the unfeeling heavens. The moon watched them ascend unblinkingly, surrounded by the halo of light they sought to free. The stillness was broken by the sound of something now otherwise extinct on the surface; Fire, burning bright and hot. The taskmaster saluted as the pair stepped onto the landing.
“Dogs are just finishing up, Grand Loremaster,” the wiry dragon said, head tilting towards the suited diamond dogs wielding blowtorches. Only distilled dragon Fire could melt through the enchanted frost holding the castle’s doors fast, and the dogs had proven valuable as a workforce. They were the only other race deep enough to survive the Freezing; even now the permafrost crept ever closer to their dens. The dogs were equally driven to find a solution, with diets that couldn’t subsist purely on minerals, nor could they escape the cold in lava pools. The dragons gave Fire, they provided labour, it was as mutually beneficial as they could hope for.
A sound like breaking glass, if it was more pure in tone, sung from the doors as the dogs pulled them open. The air was filled with crystalline shards, beautiful and deadly in equal measure if they should puncture a suit. Great gouts of Fire banished them and, after a few safety sweeps of the flamethrowers, the all-clear was given. Stepping inside the observatory, the Loremaster allowed himself his first genuine smile in decades.
Their bearers were frozen, but the Elements of Harmony upon them were untouched. “Bring them to the caves. Warm them up, slowly. With fortune the Elements kept them alive.” The dogs quickly set to work with diligence and care, befitting his hand-picked choices.
“Weren’t there only six Elements of Harmony?” his attendant said, gesturing to the remaining figure. Whereas the Elements looked like they’d been caught unawares, as other surface dwellers during the Freezing had, the seventh looked to be in the throes of weeping.
Only ancient art showed her true form. “That is Luna, sister to the Lightbringer, no longer in the guise of Nightmare. It seems as if she could only appreciate the enormity of her actions in her final moments.” He looked back at his attendant. “Leave. Now.” A snarl surprised them enough to clear the doorway, which was quickly slammed shut. Now alone, the Loremaster carried Luna to the observatory’s deck.
He set her down almost reverently. “I wonder if you’re still alive in there. I hope so, trapped deep in yourself like we are below the surface.” Grunting with effort, he wrenched free a chunk of ice-encrusted railing. “If you can, look upon your moon one last time and find all the spite and misery you have wrought upon yourself and the world.” He lifted his weapon high.
“For Celestia, and for Twilight.”
Spike brought it down, and through the moon’s fragments he felt the sun shine once more.
Here’s a take on The Nightmare Won that I haven’t seen before. I think the exposition at the beginning could use some smoothing, as it feels a bit forced. This may be a personal peeve, but every time I see an instance of “But the council said–” trope, I get a little more tired and cynical. Author, I’d like to see you extend your worldbuilding a bit here and put a more plausible political structure for the survivors in the background.
Solid writing overall, with dramatic imagery. This will go high on my slate.
Solid writing overall, with dramatic imagery. This will go high on my slate.
grim and post-apocalyptic Equestria with edgy main characters! nah I'm not knocking it for that, I think this fic accomplishes exactly what it intended to deliver. I really liked the frozen ruins contrasted with the magical fire technology thingy the characters are using. and the descriptions of the ponies at the end carries a lot of weight with just a few words.
At times I thought maybe it'd go too much into fancy description, or ye olde lore, but I have to give it full credit for feeling so complete. the descriptions and explanations are balanced just enough to paint the picture of what happened here, without slowing down the actual plot going on. There's an epic atmosphere, which is difficult to fit in a 750-word minific without feeling like some corners had to be cut.... but I'm impressed that this one manages to hide whatever surgical scars it bears. As far as I can tell, nothing's lacking (at least until I get to see the author's retrospective of all the fun stuff that unfortunately had to be cut)
At times I thought maybe it'd go too much into fancy description, or ye olde lore, but I have to give it full credit for feeling so complete. the descriptions and explanations are balanced just enough to paint the picture of what happened here, without slowing down the actual plot going on. There's an epic atmosphere, which is difficult to fit in a 750-word minific without feeling like some corners had to be cut.... but I'm impressed that this one manages to hide whatever surgical scars it bears. As far as I can tell, nothing's lacking (at least until I get to see the author's retrospective of all the fun stuff that unfortunately had to be cut)
I've already mentioned this, but I'm reading through a book of essays by well-known practitioners of flash fiction, and one of the things all the essays agree on is that flash fiction should surprise. One of the essays vehemently makes a distinction between a surprise and a twist, and I'm not sure I agree with it. I do see some wisdom in it that a twist doesn't necessarily add new meaning, and that's the kind of surprise you really want.
The language here is very nice, with only one or two slip-ups, and that's the real treat. It's not too hard to figure out what's happening early on, then once he first finds what he's looking for, there's no longer any question. Now's where I bring in the bit about the twist: It doesn't change anything. It is a surprise, but knowing who the Loremaster is doesn't add context. He's someone who has a more personal stake in the characters involved, but it doesn't make it any more painful what he does at the end, because he doesn't know her or her relationship to anyone, at least presuming this isn't the alternate timeline Starlight triggered.
I was prepared to say there's not enough background to figure out how everything got this way, but it eventually comes together. The only thing I can say on that front is there are some blocks of exposition (which are admittedly hard to avoid in a story this short, since you don't have space to spread it out) and overly expository dialogue to accomplish that.
So in addition to the twist not really mattering, the biggest issue for me is that the Loremaster's actions at the end are never painted as necessary, and there are many reasons why. First, they're going to try thawing characters out, so they don't even know if it's going to work yet. If it doesn't, there's no point in the ending. If it does, then they'll still know when it'll happen, and the antagonist is totally under their control anyway. They can move her somewhere she'll be confined, somewhere she'll stay frozen... basically, she's already incapacitated and gift-wrapped for them, so why is this necessary? And lastly, she's already shown signs of remorse. If the Loremaster truly believes in the ideals his friends would have upheld, why wouldn't he be willing to give her a chance? On principle anyway, and especially because she's likely to be receptive to it now. Or, like I said, he can wait until he sees if the thawing works on the small scale and consult them on whether it'd work on the large scale as well and what to do about her. She's not going anywhere in the interim, and once the Lightbringer returns and finds out what they did to her...
For that matter, how did everyone get caught in the freeze? Nobody noticed that diamond dogs and dragons were still around and try to find out how? And the diamond dogs and dragons never saw what was happening and reach out to any of the survivors?
Despite the elegant writing and strong description, it feels like an unjustifiably dark ending just for the sake of having a dark ending. Given more space, I'd encourage you to spend some time building up that justification. This scenario probably takes more world-building and background than 750 words can support, and scoping your story is a pretty important part of choosing what to write. This could make a great piece of longer fiction, but not so long that the reveal gets put off in a way that it's obtrusively coy--none of the characters have a motivation to avoid the topic, after all. And make it so the reveal changes my understanding of the story instead of being a fairly superficial thing.
The language here is very nice, with only one or two slip-ups, and that's the real treat. It's not too hard to figure out what's happening early on, then once he first finds what he's looking for, there's no longer any question. Now's where I bring in the bit about the twist: It doesn't change anything. It is a surprise, but knowing who the Loremaster is doesn't add context. He's someone who has a more personal stake in the characters involved, but it doesn't make it any more painful what he does at the end, because he doesn't know her or her relationship to anyone, at least presuming this isn't the alternate timeline Starlight triggered.
I was prepared to say there's not enough background to figure out how everything got this way, but it eventually comes together. The only thing I can say on that front is there are some blocks of exposition (which are admittedly hard to avoid in a story this short, since you don't have space to spread it out) and overly expository dialogue to accomplish that.
So in addition to the twist not really mattering, the biggest issue for me is that the Loremaster's actions at the end are never painted as necessary, and there are many reasons why. First, they're going to try thawing characters out, so they don't even know if it's going to work yet. If it doesn't, there's no point in the ending. If it does, then they'll still know when it'll happen, and the antagonist is totally under their control anyway. They can move her somewhere she'll be confined, somewhere she'll stay frozen... basically, she's already incapacitated and gift-wrapped for them, so why is this necessary? And lastly, she's already shown signs of remorse. If the Loremaster truly believes in the ideals his friends would have upheld, why wouldn't he be willing to give her a chance? On principle anyway, and especially because she's likely to be receptive to it now. Or, like I said, he can wait until he sees if the thawing works on the small scale and consult them on whether it'd work on the large scale as well and what to do about her. She's not going anywhere in the interim, and once the Lightbringer returns and finds out what they did to her...
For that matter, how did everyone get caught in the freeze? Nobody noticed that diamond dogs and dragons were still around and try to find out how? And the diamond dogs and dragons never saw what was happening and reach out to any of the survivors?
Despite the elegant writing and strong description, it feels like an unjustifiably dark ending just for the sake of having a dark ending. Given more space, I'd encourage you to spend some time building up that justification. This scenario probably takes more world-building and background than 750 words can support, and scoping your story is a pretty important part of choosing what to write. This could make a great piece of longer fiction, but not so long that the reveal gets put off in a way that it's obtrusively coy--none of the characters have a motivation to avoid the topic, after all. And make it so the reveal changes my understanding of the story instead of being a fairly superficial thing.
>>Pascoite
Pascoite I have to disagree with you regarding the writing. The language here is florid, yes, but clunky. The third paragraph literally goes dialogue-narrative-dialogue-narrative-dialogue-narrative-dialogue. I love what the first sentence is trying to say, but parsing it was a nightmare.
And, come on, "oft-repeated enough"? Whilst?
There's an interesting story here but I think the author got too wrapped up in trying to make it sound pretty.
Pascoite I have to disagree with you regarding the writing. The language here is florid, yes, but clunky. The third paragraph literally goes dialogue-narrative-dialogue-narrative-dialogue-narrative-dialogue. I love what the first sentence is trying to say, but parsing it was a nightmare.
And, come on, "oft-repeated enough"? Whilst?
There's an interesting story here but I think the author got too wrapped up in trying to make it sound pretty.
>>Cold in Gardez Eh, different people have different tolerances for this. It didn't feel overblown to me beyond being expository. And "whilst"? To a Brit, that's a completely ordinary word. They use that preferentially over "while" as a matter of course, and it wouldn't stand out to them. I took this as a British author.
>>Pascoite
No less an authority on British English than the Cambridge Dictionary of English Grammar had this to say:
"While is much more common than whilst, and whilst sounds more formal"
http://dictionary.cambridge.org/grammar/british-grammar/linking-words-and-expressions/while-and-whilst
No less an authority on British English than the Cambridge Dictionary of English Grammar had this to say:
"While is much more common than whilst, and whilst sounds more formal"
http://dictionary.cambridge.org/grammar/british-grammar/linking-words-and-expressions/while-and-whilst
>>Cold in Gardez
Dunno what to tell you. I'm just going on how often I see it used casually in stories by British authors, in decidedly lowbrow British magazines, in Discord chat by folks like Blueshift, and by conversations with British writers within the fandom who say they use "whilst" exclusively.
Dunno what to tell you. I'm just going on how often I see it used casually in stories by British authors, in decidedly lowbrow British magazines, in Discord chat by folks like Blueshift, and by conversations with British writers within the fandom who say they use "whilst" exclusively.
Well, that was certainly grim. All in all, I approve, although it took me a while to realize we weren't in Canterlot castle. Or are we? I can't tell, because if this is a NMM story, they should in theory be among at the castle in the Everfree, but there were no ponies around there for Spike & co. to have to walk around. But if they are in Canterlot, then NMM must have inexplicably come back, and I have a very hard time buying that at face value.
I also very briefly thought this was going to be a Fallout: Equestria story, since there's a far greater Lightbringer in that than Celestia could ever dream of being. More importantly, it strikes me as a bit gimmicky that Spike would refer to Celestia as a 'Lightbringer' instead of her name, especially considering he knew her personally and it does him no service to refer to her as such.
But most important to me: why did it take so long for them to get here? It's apparent that Spike is older now. If the onset of ice was so sudden, why is he not frozen? If dragonfire can melt the ice, why didn't they do this right away?
As much as I like this idea, I feel that there are far too many unanswered questions. It's not the concept that is flawed, but the manner of its delivery. If this had been written in a fashion as to mitigate these concerns (and any that I'm not noticing) and keep things within established bounds, then it would have been far higher on my list.
I also very briefly thought this was going to be a Fallout: Equestria story, since there's a far greater Lightbringer in that than Celestia could ever dream of being. More importantly, it strikes me as a bit gimmicky that Spike would refer to Celestia as a 'Lightbringer' instead of her name, especially considering he knew her personally and it does him no service to refer to her as such.
But most important to me: why did it take so long for them to get here? It's apparent that Spike is older now. If the onset of ice was so sudden, why is he not frozen? If dragonfire can melt the ice, why didn't they do this right away?
As much as I like this idea, I feel that there are far too many unanswered questions. It's not the concept that is flawed, but the manner of its delivery. If this had been written in a fashion as to mitigate these concerns (and any that I'm not noticing) and keep things within established bounds, then it would have been far higher on my list.
>>Cold in Gardez
I followed up with Blueshift, just to make sure I didn't have an unreasonable perception of British usage. Here's the exchange I had with him:
I still think I'd give the author the benefit of the doubt on that one point as something he's used to using informally, at least until we know who it is.
I followed up with Blueshift, just to make sure I didn't have an unreasonable perception of British usage. Here's the exchange I had with him:
in my experience, many British people use whilst much more casually than an American would. My recollection is that some British people use it exclusively, even in such a casual setting as Discord, and I thought you were one. So was I remembering that wrong about you, and in either case, how common is it for Brits to use "whilst" preferentially, even in casual usage? A counterexample was given from the Cambridge Dictionary saying whilst was more formal and less common.
I use it a lot
I'm sorry that Americans are uncultured animals.
I wouldn't turn to the cambridge dictionary of english grammar.
In your experience is it common or at least not unusual for Brits to use "whilst" preferentially or exclusively over "while"?
It's not crazy
I still think I'd give the author the benefit of the doubt on that one point as something he's used to using informally, at least until we know who it is.
>>Pascoite
Out of curiosity, I did a word search through Blueshift's five longest stories, The Star in Yellow, The Legend of Star Swirl the Bearded, Cake Story, Life is a Lemon (which still gives me chills) and Rise, his excellent Outside Insight contest entry.
He used the word 'While' 38 times in those five stories. He used the word 'Whilst' 5.
I guess, based on those five, that it's not an unreasonable word to use. I would never call Blueshift's choice of language unreasonable. I am, however, calling the language in this story unnecessarily florid and stilted. 'Whilst' was just one example.
Out of curiosity, I did a word search through Blueshift's five longest stories, The Star in Yellow, The Legend of Star Swirl the Bearded, Cake Story, Life is a Lemon (which still gives me chills) and Rise, his excellent Outside Insight contest entry.
He used the word 'While' 38 times in those five stories. He used the word 'Whilst' 5.
I guess, based on those five, that it's not an unreasonable word to use. I would never call Blueshift's choice of language unreasonable. I am, however, calling the language in this story unnecessarily florid and stilted. 'Whilst' was just one example.
I think you could use some sort of a hook here.
I liked this a lot! There are some great ideas on display, and the story unfolded a smooth and satisfying pace. The ending was an excellent clincher; although I guessed this was Spike from the beginning, I liked the added depth given by showing his motivations and changed character.
My problem, I think, is that I'm not entirely sure when this was supposed to have happened. My first thought was that it was some sort of alternate timeline from the show's opening; but the fact that he knows who Luna is seems to offset that somewhat. I think you've done really well with exploring the effect here, but I'd like a slightly better hint as to what the cause was.
All in all, that's fairly minor, though.
I'll say the description, especially in the first paragraph, was a bit clunky to me as well. I have a hard time imagining an ice fragment being a lurching echo - physical motion, for a sound, describing a static piece of ice. Statuesque was a bit strange as well, since the implications there don't suggest protection from cold, but it's presented before the suits, which seem to be what's actually helping them out.
There's a lot of good stuff here, and only a few fairly minor things holding it back, IMO.
I liked this a lot! There are some great ideas on display, and the story unfolded a smooth and satisfying pace. The ending was an excellent clincher; although I guessed this was Spike from the beginning, I liked the added depth given by showing his motivations and changed character.
My problem, I think, is that I'm not entirely sure when this was supposed to have happened. My first thought was that it was some sort of alternate timeline from the show's opening; but the fact that he knows who Luna is seems to offset that somewhat. I think you've done really well with exploring the effect here, but I'd like a slightly better hint as to what the cause was.
All in all, that's fairly minor, though.
I'll say the description, especially in the first paragraph, was a bit clunky to me as well. I have a hard time imagining an ice fragment being a lurching echo - physical motion, for a sound, describing a static piece of ice. Statuesque was a bit strange as well, since the implications there don't suggest protection from cold, but it's presented before the suits, which seem to be what's actually helping them out.
There's a lot of good stuff here, and only a few fairly minor things holding it back, IMO.
This story just begs to be expanded into a longer fic. Both because it deserves it (the setting looks cool) and because it needs it (there are just too many questions that need to be answered and points that need to be developed)