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“Pssst, it’s your turn.”
“What? But, but…”
“Come on Fluttershy, you can do it.”
“I know, Rainbow Dash, but wouldn’t Pinkie be more fitting for this?”
“Even if she would, she isn’t here right now, she’s foalsitting Pound and Pumpkin so it’s all up to you. Go on, we’re counting on you.”
“Hmmm okay. *Sigh*. Hello everypony and welcome to the new white — no — writeoff round. Come and gather — but only if you want. This round is a pony round, so Rainbow Dash expects — what? Oh sorry — we expect you to celebrate Equestria and its inhabitants. That’s right, ponies are not the only ones to live in our wonderful world, there are several other species like griffins, minotaurs... Also, there are tons of cute little critters too, who deserve more attention. It’s always ponies, ponies, ponies and more ponies. Look at this little platypus here! Isn’t he the cutest and the sweetest? And look at this firefly! Isn’t her light heartwarming? Oh, here you have a -”
“Fluttershy!”
“Yes, Rainbow?”
“Ugh, spell out the rules and let the writers decide what they want to write about.”
“Oh my, you’re right. I’m sorry. So this is a MiniFic round so hum, no less than 400 words and no more than 750 words. Now, now, I know that may seem short but I know you can do it. I have faith in you, even if you might possibly assume that whatever you could pen would potentially be, hmm, not good?”
“Whoa, understatement of the century.”
“Rainbow Dash! That is NOT a nice thing to say!”
“What? That’s true! Most of the entries are awful and — no! No! Don’t give me that look, please!”
“You’re gonna apologise right now, Rainbow Dash!”
“Okay, okay! I’m sorry, your entries are all awesome! Please, stop staring!”
“That’s better. Even if some entries are middling, everypony can learn from them and you are all awesome for trying. Isn’t that the point of doing?”
“Yeah, maybe…”
“Rainbow? Please remind me, when did you eventually manage to be a full-fledged Wonderbolt?”
“... Last year.”
“And when did you first put in an application for the team?”
“... Four years ago.”
“That’s rather a long time if you ask me.”
“Not really, it usually takes twice that time but I’m Rainbow ‘Awesome’ Dash! … What? Why are you laughing?”
“Oh, it’s nothing, I just remembered how your first show ended in a trash-”
“Okay, let’s talk about something else, right? What about the prompt? What is it this time?”
“It’s up to them to decide.”
“Is it? Then I trust you, writers, to choose a prompt related to your favorite pegasus, how she tried so hard to achieve her dreams and overcome her fears.”
“Rainbow!”
“I was talking about you, Fluttershy.”
“Eeeep.”
“Where are you going? Come back and — too late. Well, it’s only us now. And Fluttershy was right, better try than do nothing, so good luck with this one, guys. See you in the finals!”
“What? But, but…”
“Come on Fluttershy, you can do it.”
“I know, Rainbow Dash, but wouldn’t Pinkie be more fitting for this?”
“Even if she would, she isn’t here right now, she’s foalsitting Pound and Pumpkin so it’s all up to you. Go on, we’re counting on you.”
“Hmmm okay. *Sigh*. Hello everypony and welcome to the new white — no — writeoff round. Come and gather — but only if you want. This round is a pony round, so Rainbow Dash expects — what? Oh sorry — we expect you to celebrate Equestria and its inhabitants. That’s right, ponies are not the only ones to live in our wonderful world, there are several other species like griffins, minotaurs... Also, there are tons of cute little critters too, who deserve more attention. It’s always ponies, ponies, ponies and more ponies. Look at this little platypus here! Isn’t he the cutest and the sweetest? And look at this firefly! Isn’t her light heartwarming? Oh, here you have a -”
“Fluttershy!”
“Yes, Rainbow?”
“Ugh, spell out the rules and let the writers decide what they want to write about.”
“Oh my, you’re right. I’m sorry. So this is a MiniFic round so hum, no less than 400 words and no more than 750 words. Now, now, I know that may seem short but I know you can do it. I have faith in you, even if you might possibly assume that whatever you could pen would potentially be, hmm, not good?”
“Whoa, understatement of the century.”
“Rainbow Dash! That is NOT a nice thing to say!”
“What? That’s true! Most of the entries are awful and — no! No! Don’t give me that look, please!”
“You’re gonna apologise right now, Rainbow Dash!”
“Okay, okay! I’m sorry, your entries are all awesome! Please, stop staring!”
“That’s better. Even if some entries are middling, everypony can learn from them and you are all awesome for trying. Isn’t that the point of doing?”
“Yeah, maybe…”
“Rainbow? Please remind me, when did you eventually manage to be a full-fledged Wonderbolt?”
“... Last year.”
“And when did you first put in an application for the team?”
“... Four years ago.”
“That’s rather a long time if you ask me.”
“Not really, it usually takes twice that time but I’m Rainbow ‘Awesome’ Dash! … What? Why are you laughing?”
“Oh, it’s nothing, I just remembered how your first show ended in a trash-”
“Okay, let’s talk about something else, right? What about the prompt? What is it this time?”
“It’s up to them to decide.”
“Is it? Then I trust you, writers, to choose a prompt related to your favorite pegasus, how she tried so hard to achieve her dreams and overcome her fears.”
“Rainbow!”
“I was talking about you, Fluttershy.”
“Eeeep.”
“Where are you going? Come back and — too late. Well, it’s only us now. And Fluttershy was right, better try than do nothing, so good luck with this one, guys. See you in the finals!”
Ahh, it's that time again. Feel like I've been away for a long time, even though it's only been one round. Maybe it's because I haven't been in the chat lately. Stupid family life taking up most of my time. People just have to keep popping out babies and stuff.
Can't wait to get back in it.
Can't wait to get back in it.
I do wonder if I will write something for this round, too. It is, after all, helpful to participate in these kinds of things. I guess I'll see when we get the prompt.
You know what I dislike? Unfunny Star Wars memes.
I may be singled out alone here, but they're honestly as redundant as arrow in the knee jokes. They just want to make me roll my eyes whenever I see them. They're easily forgettable. But you know what's not forgettable? The Writeoff, and I wish the best of luck to all of you who enter.
In fact, I guess you could say that the fourth may be with all of you.
Not funny? Point proven.
(Seriously though, good luck! And don't forget to have fun!)
I may be singled out alone here, but they're honestly as redundant as arrow in the knee jokes. They just want to make me roll my eyes whenever I see them. They're easily forgettable. But you know what's not forgettable? The Writeoff, and I wish the best of luck to all of you who enter.
In fact, I guess you could say that the fourth may be with all of you.
Not funny? Point proven.
(Seriously though, good luck! And don't forget to have fun!)
Planning to skip again and get some editing done.
Maybe one of these years Roger will listen to my suggestion to try shifting minifics to 500-1000 words, and give us more space to establish plot and character.
Maybe one of these years Roger will listen to my suggestion to try shifting minifics to 500-1000 words, and give us more space to establish plot and character.
>>horizon
>>CoffeeMinion
>>MLPmatthewl419
I have to disagree. Even if it's hard, MiniFic rounds are a great writing exercise. Having more words will only make them like the short story rounds and there won't be any difference between the two.
However, it seems that at least several people are interested, so maybe a strawpoll could help?
>>CoffeeMinion
>>MLPmatthewl419
I have to disagree. Even if it's hard, MiniFic rounds are a great writing exercise. Having more words will only make them like the short story rounds and there won't be any difference between the two.
However, it seems that at least several people are interested, so maybe a strawpoll could help?
>>horizon
Or maybe 1250 words! That would be even better, logically speaking, because it's another 250. Or maybe 1500? No, wait, 1750!
OH! Let's try to do one where we have 2000-8000 words!!! We could even do that one like, every other time, if we really like it.
Or maybe just stop with the bucking nonpony contests that most of us don't particularly enjoy.
Or maybe 1250 words! That would be even better, logically speaking, because it's another 250. Or maybe 1500? No, wait, 1750!
OH! Let's try to do one where we have 2000-8000 words!!! We could even do that one like, every other time, if we really like it.
Or maybe just stop with the bucking nonpony contests that most of us don't particularly enjoy.
>>CoffeeMinion
Besides if you write a thousand word text, you can publish it verbatim on FIM.
Besides if you write a thousand word text, you can publish it verbatim on FIM.
>>Trick_Question
Right, obviously this can get to the point where there's no difference in formats and so why have different formats? But of course we're not writing into a vacuum here. As >>Monokeras notes, there's a word count minimum required by the most logical place for these stories to go after appearing here, and that minimum is 1/3rd higher on word count than the maximum allowable word count for these rounds. So rather than arguing it from the perspective of more words = better, I submit that it just makes sense from a usability perspective to let us aim for a length with these that might make the path to subsequent publication on FF materially smoother.
And I don't want to stir the pot unduly; I just think this is a small thing that would be nice.
(Also, since it came up: while I've determined that the non-pony rounds aren't my bag, I think it's great way to let this community spread its wings with other subjects and I see less clear value in changing those.)
Right, obviously this can get to the point where there's no difference in formats and so why have different formats? But of course we're not writing into a vacuum here. As >>Monokeras notes, there's a word count minimum required by the most logical place for these stories to go after appearing here, and that minimum is 1/3rd higher on word count than the maximum allowable word count for these rounds. So rather than arguing it from the perspective of more words = better, I submit that it just makes sense from a usability perspective to let us aim for a length with these that might make the path to subsequent publication on FF materially smoother.
And I don't want to stir the pot unduly; I just think this is a small thing that would be nice.
(Also, since it came up: while I've determined that the non-pony rounds aren't my bag, I think it's great way to let this community spread its wings with other subjects and I see less clear value in changing those.)
>>horizon
Flash fiction is a well established form of writing these days, maybe even as common as the short story. Many flash fiction contests, which you can find all over the place, have more restrictive word limits than here. A lot of good authors out in the world have done a lot more with a lot less.
If 750 words isn't enough to accomplish what you're trying to do with a piece, it might be worth rethinking what you should be trying to accomplish in those 750 words.
Flash fiction is a well established form of writing these days, maybe even as common as the short story. Many flash fiction contests, which you can find all over the place, have more restrictive word limits than here. A lot of good authors out in the world have done a lot more with a lot less.
If 750 words isn't enough to accomplish what you're trying to do with a piece, it might be worth rethinking what you should be trying to accomplish in those 750 words.
>>horizon
In theory I like this since I usually write 1000-1200 words and have to whittle it down to the 750 mark. In reality though, if the cap was increased to 1000, I'd probably end up writing 1400-1500 words and have the same problem. It's me that's broken :(
In theory I like this since I usually write 1000-1200 words and have to whittle it down to the 750 mark. In reality though, if the cap was increased to 1000, I'd probably end up writing 1400-1500 words and have the same problem. It's me that's broken :(
>>Posh
He is among us now and always.
He was here before all we now recognize.
He shall be here when our names have faded into dust.
(No seriously he's a user and I don't know how out he is about his real name but he's cool)
He is among us now and always.
He was here before all we now recognize.
He shall be here when our names have faded into dust.
(No seriously he's a user and I don't know how out he is about his real name but he's cool)
William Antonelli died last year on Thanksgiving surrounded by loved ones. He was a Korean War vet who was an avid Steelers and Pirates fan. He was 83 years old.
cool, my prompt won. my 2nd time! though I didn't come up with it, I actually stole it from..... I'll explain later.
ignore your writing time, and it too will naturally go away.
ignore your writing time, and it too will naturally go away.
Hmm, maybe I can move up my usual despair-filled lament about not having ideas or time by about 10 hours and do that now. Probably saves time in the long run to just knock that out...
Oooh, I like this prompt muchly! I like it so much in fact that I'm already in. Twice.
Looking forward to seeing where this one goes.
Looking forward to seeing where this one goes.
Ok. First one in.
Time to sleep and tomorrow shall tell if I have an idea for a second one.
Time to sleep and tomorrow shall tell if I have an idea for a second one.
>>CoffeeMinion
I definitely agree on this point, I have a few fics that are sitting on FiMFiction unpublished because they are 250 words too short.
Hrmm...
My procrastination skills will make the prompt come true, but not my story...
I definitely agree on this point, I have a few fics that are sitting on FiMFiction unpublished because they are 250 words too short.
Hrmm...
My procrastination skills will make the prompt come true, but not my story...
For the first time in quite a while, I am in, and I am so glad to be able to say that.
It feels so good to have written something again.
It feels so good to have written something again.
Post by
FrontSevens
, deleted
>>Chryssi
Oh man, The Darkest Hour was legit.
Sadly, at this point I'm thinking my earlier decision (see >>CoffeeMinion) was timely, bordering on prescient: a great desire to write is mired in physical and mental fatigue. I may opt for an early bedtime & see if I can grind something out at like 4am.
Oh man, The Darkest Hour was legit.
Sadly, at this point I'm thinking my earlier decision (see >>CoffeeMinion) was timely, bordering on prescient: a great desire to write is mired in physical and mental fatigue. I may opt for an early bedtime & see if I can grind something out at like 4am.
*sigh* Alas, today I had both time to write, and a semi decent idea. Yet somehow I have completely failed to write anything. For some reason I just can not get my writing groove on. So, to my immense dissatisfaction, I shall be sitting this one out. :(
Good luck to everyone still writing!
Good luck to everyone still writing!
To my greatest surprise, I've put something in. Good luck to any other late-night writers, and see you all in the morning. =)
(also on a serious note, I have an eight-page paper on Jane Austen's depictions of hypochondriacs due in about eleven hours, so I'm out this round, sorry, I do have great hair though)
For the first time in almost six months, I have submitted a story! It's not the best thing I've ever written, and it took way too long to write, but I did write it!
>>Morning Sun
It's in your mom.
Also, I'm done with my submission(s). It's like, almost 4am here and I don't usually stay up, but sometimes the ideas force themselves. Into your mom. I'm very tired.
Most controversial, here I come? Maybe.
It's in your mom.
Also, I'm done with my submission(s). It's like, almost 4am here and I don't usually stay up, but sometimes the ideas force themselves. Into your mom. I'm very tired.
Most controversial, here I come? Maybe.
>>PaulAsaran
>>Monokeras
>>Everyday
>>Bachiavellian
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>Morning Sun
Congrats to all who used the wording "getting it in", and especially to PaulAsaran, for "putting it in twice".
(Since this is a minific competition, I'll presume it was just the tip.) :trollestia:
>>Monokeras
>>Everyday
>>Bachiavellian
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>Morning Sun
Congrats to all who used the wording "getting it in", and especially to PaulAsaran, for "putting it in twice".
(Since this is a minific competition, I'll presume it was just the tip.) :trollestia:
I am dozing off between every paragraph I try to edit, so screw it. I'm done and I hope the whole thing is way more coherent than I feel.
Woo, I suddenly got an idea at breakfast. Halfway through the story now... and already at 723 words D:
Gotta take a rest, write the other half, do whatever polishing I can in the remaining time, and submit at the last second...
Gotta take a rest, write the other half, do whatever polishing I can in the remaining time, and submit at the last second...
So my hail-Mary plan to wake up early and crank something out has borne fruit. :bulkbicepsyeah:
...
I'mma fight ALL of you for last place.
...
I'mma fight ALL of you for last place.
Huh, actually submitted something. That's the first one for a few Write-offs I think. Good luck everyone.
Uh... I don't see any MLP here.
(Somewhere in the world, the author is cursing to themself for misreading the prompt.)
(Somewhere in the world, the author is cursing to themself for misreading the prompt.)
First one up!
This one kinda of pulled toward and against my preferences: I'm not overly predisposed to interpretations of Celestia as a deity, but I do quite like scenarios where wise individuals find themselves having to seek help from other quarters.
Unless I'm missing something, I do perhaps feel as though the prompt has been lost a little in the narrative, the prime culprit seeming to be Spearhead's musings and observations. There are parts of his character I found interesting, and I liked some of the dynamic between him and Celestia (though some of the banter felt inconsistent at times, and sometimes also fell flat), but if the evidence of Celestia initially putting things off had come through a bit stronger, then I think I would have found the story more complete and satisfying. It just didn't feel as though the balance was right, for me at least.
I liked the concept of the scene, though, and it was paced well enough. Sometimes clarity suffers in the minific round, but you skirt round that problem nicely. I don't know if it lands successfully enough for me to place it in the top tiers of my slate, but I still enjoyed reading it. Thanks for sharing your work.
This one kinda of pulled toward and against my preferences: I'm not overly predisposed to interpretations of Celestia as a deity, but I do quite like scenarios where wise individuals find themselves having to seek help from other quarters.
Unless I'm missing something, I do perhaps feel as though the prompt has been lost a little in the narrative, the prime culprit seeming to be Spearhead's musings and observations. There are parts of his character I found interesting, and I liked some of the dynamic between him and Celestia (though some of the banter felt inconsistent at times, and sometimes also fell flat), but if the evidence of Celestia initially putting things off had come through a bit stronger, then I think I would have found the story more complete and satisfying. It just didn't feel as though the balance was right, for me at least.
I liked the concept of the scene, though, and it was paced well enough. Sometimes clarity suffers in the minific round, but you skirt round that problem nicely. I don't know if it lands successfully enough for me to place it in the top tiers of my slate, but I still enjoyed reading it. Thanks for sharing your work.
It feels rushed—I see you're trying to have a smooth flow between Fluttershy's discussion with her parents and Bumble Bee's bullying, but every scene is far too short and doesn't have enough detail other than dialogue. We don't get any description the settings in which the dialogue takes place, and the exposition in her parents' meeting with the headmistress is just that.
In addition, the ending feels like it's cut off, and, with the story clocking in at 747 words, I can see why.
This leads me to think that the main problem is that this story is far too ambitious for this kind of round (750 words). I think 2000 words would fit this better, and it would give you more space to flesh things out.
In addition, the ending feels like it's cut off, and, with the story clocking in at 747 words, I can see why.
This leads me to think that the main problem is that this story is far too ambitious for this kind of round (750 words). I think 2000 words would fit this better, and it would give you more space to flesh things out.
>>Light_Striker Okay, slight revision of my previous comment. I'm not actually prepared to be ashamed. But now there's nothing I can do to stop it, and that's the point. Right?
It's been quite a while since I read some Brian Jacques; those final paragraphs reminded me that 'quite a while' is actually far too long.
This feels much longer than its actual length; the dual narrative gives greater context and depth to the series of events portrayed, without ever feeling like it's padding out the story. And the prompt itself, feeling quite underdeveloped at first glance, emerges loud and strong with repeat reads. There's just enough backstory included to make the story work, whilst hinting that it could form part of a much larger body of work, and I personally felt that the narrative dealt with the feelings and emotions competently. It's hard to develop these things effectively with such a restricted word count, and at no point did I feel that they were mishandled or overwrought.
I might suggest that the second POV, which I presume was Angel's could have had a stronger voice, and I'm not entirely sure that Fluttershy would approve of the division's name , but I enjoyed reading this one very much and, if it happened to be expanded for a site publication, would be back in line to read it again. Thanks for sharing.
This feels much longer than its actual length; the dual narrative gives greater context and depth to the series of events portrayed, without ever feeling like it's padding out the story. And the prompt itself, feeling quite underdeveloped at first glance, emerges loud and strong with repeat reads. There's just enough backstory included to make the story work, whilst hinting that it could form part of a much larger body of work, and I personally felt that the narrative dealt with the feelings and emotions competently. It's hard to develop these things effectively with such a restricted word count, and at no point did I feel that they were mishandled or overwrought.
I might suggest that the second POV, which I presume was Angel's could have had a stronger voice, and I'm not entirely sure that Fluttershy would approve of the division's name , but I enjoyed reading this one very much and, if it happened to be expanded for a site publication, would be back in line to read it again. Thanks for sharing.
I've read the beginning of this story twice, and even granting that it seems to be a dream it doesn't make sense to me. The author seems to be using 'they' as a singular pronoun, which in this case just adds to the confusion. I don't see that any useful mystery is maintained by not giving the child a gender; just use 'she' as you started to do.
The end is straightforward, if rather preachy. Still, odd and distracting phrasings crop up ("[her] neck departed from her [...] necklace.") I found it odd that Celestia is serving as an angel of death to literally bear the Elements to heaven, but your headcanon may vary.
Tier: Needs work.
The end is straightforward, if rather preachy. Still, odd and distracting phrasings crop up ("[her] neck departed from her [...] necklace.") I found it odd that Celestia is serving as an angel of death to literally bear the Elements to heaven, but your headcanon may vary.
Tier: Needs work.
“Where is my bedroom, anyway?”
My smile grew once more. “Follow me.”
And then she
Jokes aside, this one was pretty good. A nice and cute little scene between Celestia and Twilight. There are some very good paragraphs, like this one:
My heart sank in my chest at the sight of her downcast eyes. I knelt down in front of her, reaching down to lift her chin with a hoof so I could look her in the eye. “I was being a little playful, but never doubt yourself. I know you’re just a little filly, but you did something today most grown ponies could only dream of doing. You’re a very special little pony. Don’t forget that.”
However, I'm a bit bothered by the last sentences.
I only barely stopped myself from nuzzling her that night, all tucked away in her bed. I knew if I just ignored the feeling, it would go away.
What is this feeling she is talking about? Is she talking about Luna? Does she remember when she tucked her little sister in bed? Did she have a child hundreds years ago and, therefore, is nostalgic about it?
I guess it is about Luna, since she was mentionned earlier but the feeling is very vague and since these sentences are the last, I think it was one of the focus of the story. Therefore, the balance between the setting (the strong point) and Celestia's feeling isn't really, well, balanced.
you did something today most grown ponies could only dream of doing.
That's another thing I'm not sure of. What did Twilight do? Does Celestia reffer to what she did with Spike's egg?
To sum up, this was a pleasant reading, so thank you for your entry, but I'm afraid there are several things too vague and these harmed your story a bit.
Good entry, I didn't laugh but I still smiled more than once. The jokes aren't fresh and new but you still managed to deliver them correctly. The last line was very good too.
I still have a problem (not a big one) with the premise and one of the sentence.
You mentionned the Bugbear. Maybe if you didn't I wouldn't have noticed, because I can clearly remember that, indeed, with every other vilains, ponies were panicking but with the Bugbear, not that much. Plus, both Lyra AND BonBon weren't panicking at all. They were just casually talking about it, so either Lyra shouldn't be panicking or either she should explain precisely why this was different from the last times.
I still have a problem (not a big one) with the premise and one of the sentence.
"Yes. So was Nightmare Moon plunging Equestria into eternal darkness. And Discord turning the main road into a soapy slip-'n-slide. Tirek eating everypony's magic. Parasprites eating everypony's houses. Cerberus. The bugbear."
You mentionned the Bugbear. Maybe if you didn't I wouldn't have noticed, because I can clearly remember that, indeed, with every other vilains, ponies were panicking but with the Bugbear, not that much. Plus, both Lyra AND BonBon weren't panicking at all. They were just casually talking about it, so either Lyra shouldn't be panicking or either she should explain precisely why this was different from the last times.
First thing that stood out is that I'm unclear where this lays on the (space)time line. So it's an alternate universe, but... a thousand years in the past? Or a second fall? It's a bit confusing, as otherwise it feels just like a retelling of the fall we already know about.
Second thing that stands out is the ten dollar words. "Palaver" in the title is... okay. But then we have "marmoreal" and "tenebrous" in the same sentence even. I mean, I'm as loquacious as the next fellow, and appreciate a sesquipedalian word here and there, but it throws the tone a bit for me in this story. I think it's because the dialog itself is so simplistic. If it was full of middle english thees and thous, it'd be one thing. But they use words like "burnout" and simply "something bad's going to happen."
The final thing is that we're left with a bit of unrewarded foreshadowing. Lots of hints are given that Celestia is with some stallion, but that's a Chekhov's gun that never fires. It has nothing to do with the rest of the story, unless I'm really missing something. (She's not sleeping with Sombra, right?)
So, overall, no complaints on the prose itself, but I'm left unsure what the "story" is here, beyond the surface level retelling of the original fall of Luna.
Second thing that stands out is the ten dollar words. "Palaver" in the title is... okay. But then we have "marmoreal" and "tenebrous" in the same sentence even. I mean, I'm as loquacious as the next fellow, and appreciate a sesquipedalian word here and there, but it throws the tone a bit for me in this story. I think it's because the dialog itself is so simplistic. If it was full of middle english thees and thous, it'd be one thing. But they use words like "burnout" and simply "something bad's going to happen."
The final thing is that we're left with a bit of unrewarded foreshadowing. Lots of hints are given that Celestia is with some stallion, but that's a Chekhov's gun that never fires. It has nothing to do with the rest of the story, unless I'm really missing something. (She's not sleeping with Sombra, right?)
So, overall, no complaints on the prose itself, but I'm left unsure what the "story" is here, beyond the surface level retelling of the original fall of Luna.
The use of "they" for a singular pronoun is... problematic at best. Unfortunately English has no gender-neutral singular, so it's somewhat common to use the plural. Left alone as a character, it can work, but as the paragraphs involved also talk about "three figures" it means the pronoun is now completely useless in determining who it references. That meant the first half of this story is mostly just a confusing blur on my mental stage. I can't "see" anything.
I would harp on more grammatical oddities, but I suspect this may be written by someone who's still learning English, possibly as a second language. There are strong ideas here, but the phrasing used comes across very oddly, in a way that isn't simply "mistakes." The only way to improve that is to keep practicing. If you do that, and keep the ideas coming, you'll get there in the end!
I would harp on more grammatical oddities, but I suspect this may be written by someone who's still learning English, possibly as a second language. There are strong ideas here, but the phrasing used comes across very oddly, in a way that isn't simply "mistakes." The only way to improve that is to keep practicing. If you do that, and keep the ideas coming, you'll get there in the end!
First off, nice diction for Igneous at the start. Sounds spot on!
The rest... I was immediately put in mind of Kwakerjak's "Petriculture" cycle, wherein Pinkie is a thoughtform (imaginary friend) born from Twilight's mind, as Discord is one born from Celestia's. My sincere apologies if this is original and you were completely unaware of that story or others like it, but I'm afraid it's almost impossible for me to judge something so similar to one of the most popular stories ever in the fandom... but I'll try.
Standing on its own, this is a somewhat cute idea, but it feels too clinical to me. We're seeing this from a "detective" angle as Celestia is brought in and explains things. It could be much more powerful showing it from one of the Pies. Show Maud being bored, imagining something, and etc. Or even from the PoV of the parents. How weird things are when your daughter suddenly has a new friend that she claims is her sister. As it stands, there's very little emotional impact.
The rest... I was immediately put in mind of Kwakerjak's "Petriculture" cycle, wherein Pinkie is a thoughtform (imaginary friend) born from Twilight's mind, as Discord is one born from Celestia's. My sincere apologies if this is original and you were completely unaware of that story or others like it, but I'm afraid it's almost impossible for me to judge something so similar to one of the most popular stories ever in the fandom... but I'll try.
Standing on its own, this is a somewhat cute idea, but it feels too clinical to me. We're seeing this from a "detective" angle as Celestia is brought in and explains things. It could be much more powerful showing it from one of the Pies. Show Maud being bored, imagining something, and etc. Or even from the PoV of the parents. How weird things are when your daughter suddenly has a new friend that she claims is her sister. As it stands, there's very little emotional impact.
That’s rather a nice story. The transitions between the scenes are a bit quick, and we don’t get much to know about Silver Spoon’s mindset evolution, but that’s how most minifics end up. You have to focus on the bones and peel out the flesh.
My only complaint is that Spoon’s change of mindset at the end is very sudden and feels a bit contrived for the needs of the takeaway. I would’ve let the reader with a more doubtful Spoon, pondering over Tiara’s words, but not plumping immediately for them.
Otherwise, it’s fairly well executed. Thanks for writing.
My only complaint is that Spoon’s change of mindset at the end is very sudden and feels a bit contrived for the needs of the takeaway. I would’ve let the reader with a more doubtful Spoon, pondering over Tiara’s words, but not plumping immediately for them.
Otherwise, it’s fairly well executed. Thanks for writing.
Cute. A little meta for my tastes, but does what it sets out to do and does it well. Only gripe is that the last quote isn't signed, and I'm not sure if that's an "oops" or intentional.
Took a moment to realize they were frozen in time, not actually "turned to stone" so I had to redraw the past minute or so on my mental stage, which always breaks immersion. There are also some small grammar problems here and there which add to the distraction.
Overall though, a slightly amusing premise, but the humor doesn't really play for me as written. This is mostly a sight gag, and the visuals aren't enough to really "sell it" for me. The second Pinkie breaks and leaves and we see it's a prank, my suspension of disbelief fails. Pinkie is the princess of pranks. She might be fooled for a moment or three, but two hours and not looking out the window? Not seeing a shadow move? No one else coming running at all the screaming (when Twilight is just in the next wing even?) It just... I know I shouldn't try to apply logic to Pinkie Pie, but... I just don't buy Starlight and Maud trying this to "avoid" Pinkie. Not only are they both far more intelligent, but Maud literally has an entire lifetime of practice in dealing with Pinkie.
Overall though, a slightly amusing premise, but the humor doesn't really play for me as written. This is mostly a sight gag, and the visuals aren't enough to really "sell it" for me. The second Pinkie breaks and leaves and we see it's a prank, my suspension of disbelief fails. Pinkie is the princess of pranks. She might be fooled for a moment or three, but two hours and not looking out the window? Not seeing a shadow move? No one else coming running at all the screaming (when Twilight is just in the next wing even?) It just... I know I shouldn't try to apply logic to Pinkie Pie, but... I just don't buy Starlight and Maud trying this to "avoid" Pinkie. Not only are they both far more intelligent, but Maud literally has an entire lifetime of practice in dealing with Pinkie.
10 points for the uber-meta approach to the prompt. Minus 50 DKP for not being ponyfic.
But despite scoring you out for not writing MLP, I'll still give a quick review on the story as is.
So as noted, uber-meta, and I have to applaud the excuse for bad writing. First person stream-of-consciousness that goes nowhere is bad (and boring) writing. But... you managed to make it in-universe justified by the explanation of distraction. So yeah, props for stunt-writing here, and also, A.D.D. as a super-power. Your ending is also quite clever, doubling-down with a different meaning of "hurt." Very nice one-two punch there.
Overall, I can't quite say I "enjoyed" this, but as it was super short, I respect the cleverness that is on display, and that's almost as good.
But despite scoring you out for not writing MLP, I'll still give a quick review on the story as is.
So as noted, uber-meta, and I have to applaud the excuse for bad writing. First person stream-of-consciousness that goes nowhere is bad (and boring) writing. But... you managed to make it in-universe justified by the explanation of distraction. So yeah, props for stunt-writing here, and also, A.D.D. as a super-power. Your ending is also quite clever, doubling-down with a different meaning of "hurt." Very nice one-two punch there.
Overall, I can't quite say I "enjoyed" this, but as it was super short, I respect the cleverness that is on display, and that's almost as good.
Genre: Turn Your Head And Cough
Thoughts: Wow. Being a male of advancing age, this makes for a bit of a tender read. The core of the story involves presenting the male characters' urinary difficulties alongside their unwillingness to talk about them, except among each other. It's both sad and heartfelt, because these are things that people just have to cope with as best they can... except maybe they could get some more help if they were willing to sacrifice more of their [pride/dignity? some word like that goes here] to be more open about their problems and seek that help. But as it is, this hits very hard in the space it's got, and it doesn't feel at all constrained by word count. Oh, and the ladies aren't left out either, though they're not the focus.
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: Wow. Being a male of advancing age, this makes for a bit of a tender read. The core of the story involves presenting the male characters' urinary difficulties alongside their unwillingness to talk about them, except among each other. It's both sad and heartfelt, because these are things that people just have to cope with as best they can... except maybe they could get some more help if they were willing to sacrifice more of their [pride/dignity? some word like that goes here] to be more open about their problems and seek that help. But as it is, this hits very hard in the space it's got, and it doesn't feel at all constrained by word count. Oh, and the ladies aren't left out either, though they're not the focus.
Tier: Strong
I'm find myself not quite sure if this is actually supposed to be a comedy, or if it's something else. I didn't find it funny myself. It felt like a heavy-handed ponification of 1984 or THX-1138 for the most part, neither of which are funny. The bit that threw me right out of it though is the end. That it's actually an elaborate multi-day "prank" is just... WTF? It's the standard "it was all just a dream" cop-out trope that tries to excuse why nothing else makes sense.
I'm sorry to be so harsh, but it feels like greentext fever dreams from /b/ rather than a real story. If I even try to dissect the logic, it falls apart immediately. As such, this is less a story and more one of those things that's a sight-gag. If this was a 60 second youtube clip, (and you squeezed in Flufflepuff somewhere) I'd probably laugh. But in written form... I'm afraid it just doesn't work for me.
I'm sorry to be so harsh, but it feels like greentext fever dreams from /b/ rather than a real story. If I even try to dissect the logic, it falls apart immediately. As such, this is less a story and more one of those things that's a sight-gag. If this was a 60 second youtube clip, (and you squeezed in Flufflepuff somewhere) I'd probably laugh. But in written form... I'm afraid it just doesn't work for me.