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Twilight’s First Night in Canterlot Castle
Twilight stood stock-still in the doorway, her eyes widening as she took in the tower. “This is mine?” the filly asked.
I smiled kindly at the young unicorn. “It is indeed,” she said. An enormous glass hourglass dominated the center of the room, gilded with gold on its stand, slowly tipping over as the top finally ran out, inverting itself to count down another hour of the day’s passing. Two empty desks, one for writing and studying on, the other ideal for laboratory work, rested against the wall beneath the stairs that led up to the second and third courses of the room.
But I knew what had captured the eye of my new student: rows of books, new and old alike, covering every wall of the room at the tower’s peak.
“And I can read all these books?” Twilight managed to tear her eyes away from the bookshelves, giving me a look somewhere between accusing and pleading, as if I had lead her up here in order to play some sort of prank on her.
I only barely managed to prevent myself from saying something puckish. “Of course. They are yours to read at your will. Though a few of them might be a bit advanced for a filly your age.”
Twilight squared her shoulders. “As long as I have a dictionary to look up any words I don’t know, I can read anything.”
I laughed. “That’s the spirit.” I caught a gleam out of the corner of my eye; out the window, I could see the Moon hanging high in the sky over the mountains, the image of my sister’s face burned onto its surface. My smile faded slightly, but I did my best to maintain it. “But not tonight. I’m afraid it’s past your bedtime, if you want to get up and start your lessons first thing in the morning.”
“Oh, right. Bedtime.” The filly looked longingly at the books before slowly walking back over to me, dragging her hooves on the floor. “Where is my bedroom, anyway?”
My smile grew once more. “Follow me.” I turned towards the stairs that curved around the edge of the room, taking them slowly, glancing back over my shoulder to make sure that Twilight was following. Soon we reached the top, and Twiight’s eyes grew even larger than they had below.
“I’m sleeping here?” she asked, staring at the perfect bed I had ordered brought to the tower earlier that day.
“Yes. I thought you might enjoy staying here. Once, long ago, back when Equestria was founded, this room belonged to Clover the Clever, who was herself once the student of the great Starswirl the Bearded.” I nodded toward the huge hourglass. “I thought it was appropriate for the best student since Clover to live here.” I gave Twilight a sly wink.
It didn’t have the intended effect. Twilight’s ears drooped, the small unicorn shrinking in on herself. “Don’t make fun of me.”
My heart sank in my chest at the sight of her downcast eyes. I knelt down in front of her, reaching down to lift her chin with a hoof so I could look her in the eye. “I was being a little playful, but never doubt yourself. I know you’re just a little filly, but you did something today most grown ponies could only dream of doing. You’re a very special little pony. Don’t forget that.”
“I won’t,” she said solemnly, before glancing over towards the bed. She took a few steps towards it, her horn sparking as she pointed it towards the sheets, her head trembling as she tugged them back before climbing up onto the mattress. Glancing down at the covers, her horn sparked again, then fizzled, a few purple sparks raining down on her coat and pillow. Her eyes wrenched shut as she tried again, but her horn remained stubbornly dim.
“Here, let me get those for you,” I said, smiling as I lit up my own horn. The sheets glowed with gentle golden light as I tugged them up under her chin, Twilight watching me work my magic with rapt attention.
“Thank you,” she said in a small voice, smiling and rolling over onto her side.
“Goodnight, my student,” I said down to her as she closed her eyes.
“G’night,” she replied sleepily.
I only barely stopped myself from nuzzling her that night, all tucked away in her bed. I knew if I just ignored the feeling, it would go away.
It didn't.
I smiled kindly at the young unicorn. “It is indeed,” she said. An enormous glass hourglass dominated the center of the room, gilded with gold on its stand, slowly tipping over as the top finally ran out, inverting itself to count down another hour of the day’s passing. Two empty desks, one for writing and studying on, the other ideal for laboratory work, rested against the wall beneath the stairs that led up to the second and third courses of the room.
But I knew what had captured the eye of my new student: rows of books, new and old alike, covering every wall of the room at the tower’s peak.
“And I can read all these books?” Twilight managed to tear her eyes away from the bookshelves, giving me a look somewhere between accusing and pleading, as if I had lead her up here in order to play some sort of prank on her.
I only barely managed to prevent myself from saying something puckish. “Of course. They are yours to read at your will. Though a few of them might be a bit advanced for a filly your age.”
Twilight squared her shoulders. “As long as I have a dictionary to look up any words I don’t know, I can read anything.”
I laughed. “That’s the spirit.” I caught a gleam out of the corner of my eye; out the window, I could see the Moon hanging high in the sky over the mountains, the image of my sister’s face burned onto its surface. My smile faded slightly, but I did my best to maintain it. “But not tonight. I’m afraid it’s past your bedtime, if you want to get up and start your lessons first thing in the morning.”
“Oh, right. Bedtime.” The filly looked longingly at the books before slowly walking back over to me, dragging her hooves on the floor. “Where is my bedroom, anyway?”
My smile grew once more. “Follow me.” I turned towards the stairs that curved around the edge of the room, taking them slowly, glancing back over my shoulder to make sure that Twilight was following. Soon we reached the top, and Twiight’s eyes grew even larger than they had below.
“I’m sleeping here?” she asked, staring at the perfect bed I had ordered brought to the tower earlier that day.
“Yes. I thought you might enjoy staying here. Once, long ago, back when Equestria was founded, this room belonged to Clover the Clever, who was herself once the student of the great Starswirl the Bearded.” I nodded toward the huge hourglass. “I thought it was appropriate for the best student since Clover to live here.” I gave Twilight a sly wink.
It didn’t have the intended effect. Twilight’s ears drooped, the small unicorn shrinking in on herself. “Don’t make fun of me.”
My heart sank in my chest at the sight of her downcast eyes. I knelt down in front of her, reaching down to lift her chin with a hoof so I could look her in the eye. “I was being a little playful, but never doubt yourself. I know you’re just a little filly, but you did something today most grown ponies could only dream of doing. You’re a very special little pony. Don’t forget that.”
“I won’t,” she said solemnly, before glancing over towards the bed. She took a few steps towards it, her horn sparking as she pointed it towards the sheets, her head trembling as she tugged them back before climbing up onto the mattress. Glancing down at the covers, her horn sparked again, then fizzled, a few purple sparks raining down on her coat and pillow. Her eyes wrenched shut as she tried again, but her horn remained stubbornly dim.
“Here, let me get those for you,” I said, smiling as I lit up my own horn. The sheets glowed with gentle golden light as I tugged them up under her chin, Twilight watching me work my magic with rapt attention.
“Thank you,” she said in a small voice, smiling and rolling over onto her side.
“Goodnight, my student,” I said down to her as she closed her eyes.
“G’night,” she replied sleepily.
I only barely stopped myself from nuzzling her that night, all tucked away in her bed. I knew if I just ignored the feeling, it would go away.
It didn't.
“Where is my bedroom, anyway?”
My smile grew once more. “Follow me.”
And then she
Jokes aside, this one was pretty good. A nice and cute little scene between Celestia and Twilight. There are some very good paragraphs, like this one:
My heart sank in my chest at the sight of her downcast eyes. I knelt down in front of her, reaching down to lift her chin with a hoof so I could look her in the eye. “I was being a little playful, but never doubt yourself. I know you’re just a little filly, but you did something today most grown ponies could only dream of doing. You’re a very special little pony. Don’t forget that.”
However, I'm a bit bothered by the last sentences.
I only barely stopped myself from nuzzling her that night, all tucked away in her bed. I knew if I just ignored the feeling, it would go away.
What is this feeling she is talking about? Is she talking about Luna? Does she remember when she tucked her little sister in bed? Did she have a child hundreds years ago and, therefore, is nostalgic about it?
I guess it is about Luna, since she was mentionned earlier but the feeling is very vague and since these sentences are the last, I think it was one of the focus of the story. Therefore, the balance between the setting (the strong point) and Celestia's feeling isn't really, well, balanced.
you did something today most grown ponies could only dream of doing.
That's another thing I'm not sure of. What did Twilight do? Does Celestia reffer to what she did with Spike's egg?
To sum up, this was a pleasant reading, so thank you for your entry, but I'm afraid there are several things too vague and these harmed your story a bit.
First-person Celestia POV! Huh. I like the casually magically self-inverting hourglass. (Or presumably it's magically, at least. Could be a mechanical gadget. Works either way.) I like filly Twilight's characterization. I think the implication that what she did earlier in the day was hatching Spike's egg works okay but could maybe be more explicit. It leaves some awkward questions about why Celestia's already committing to treating that as more than a one-off if Twilight's telekinesis is still weak enough to have trouble with the bed later; "because observed connection to fate" is sensible in-universe but narratively unsatisfying.
Some minor errors: "as if I hadleadled her up here", for instance. "small voice" seems redundant as a description of a filly's voice.
The main awkward bit is at the end, where I'm pretty sure the "feeling" being described is meant to be the foreboding feeling about the prophecy about Luna given the hint dropped earlier, but the text before it centers so much around Celestia's affectionate feelings for Twilight that it doesn't connect up, and if it were that feeling, it would have very different and distracting implications.
Some minor errors: "as if I had
The main awkward bit is at the end, where I'm pretty sure the "feeling" being described is meant to be the foreboding feeling about the prophecy about Luna given the hint dropped earlier, but the text before it centers so much around Celestia's affectionate feelings for Twilight that it doesn't connect up, and if it were that feeling, it would have very different and distracting implications.
Small mistakes here and there, especially this one
The story itself is — okay enough I guess? It’s a nice telling of Twilight’s discovery of her future adobe, but somehow it’s fairly tasteless. Neither Celestia’s nor Twilight’s part stand out as remarkable. I mean, you don’t venture outside the trodden paths, and so everything is more or less predictable, which tones down the interest of the story quite a lot. I even wonder why Celestia decides to let Twilight inside just before bedtime and not in the morning.
First person Celestia doesn’t really add any flavour to more conventional third person limited PoV. I feel using 1st person Twilight would’ve been a better choice.
All in all, mid-low tier.
“It is indeed,” she said.where, I suppose, the “she” should be “I”. “Lead” instead of “led” later, and so on.
The story itself is — okay enough I guess? It’s a nice telling of Twilight’s discovery of her future adobe, but somehow it’s fairly tasteless. Neither Celestia’s nor Twilight’s part stand out as remarkable. I mean, you don’t venture outside the trodden paths, and so everything is more or less predictable, which tones down the interest of the story quite a lot. I even wonder why Celestia decides to let Twilight inside just before bedtime and not in the morning.
First person Celestia doesn’t really add any flavour to more conventional third person limited PoV. I feel using 1st person Twilight would’ve been a better choice.
All in all, mid-low tier.
I'm with >>Monokeras on this one. There was nothing here to hold my attention. Maybe if it had involved Twilight staying up after Celestia left to peruse the library? That would have at least made this more interesting.
I'm also confused as to why Twilight thought Celestia was making fun of her. There's nothing in what Celestia said to suggest it, so Twilight's reaction seems to come from nowhere. I imagine a more apt response would be awe at the historic nature of the place, which seems much more 'Twilight' even if she hasn't developed her squealing fan status of Starswirl yet.
I'm also confused as to why Twilight thought Celestia was making fun of her. There's nothing in what Celestia said to suggest it, so Twilight's reaction seems to come from nowhere. I imagine a more apt response would be awe at the historic nature of the place, which seems much more 'Twilight' even if she hasn't developed her squealing fan status of Starswirl yet.
I thought this was a pretty cute story. I quite liked the characterisation of both characters, and both the statement Celestial makes about Twilight and Clover, and the part where she tucks Twilight in, are heartwarming and potent in equal measure. I feel like more of the ending needed to be unpacked in order to give the story more purpose and direction, but I still enjoyed this one.
Thanks for sharing your work.
Thanks for sharing your work.
This is a really cute scene, and—minus a few typos—well written. But a scene isn't the same as a story, and this lacks any sort of progress or development to qualify as the latter. Dropping the prompt verbatim right at the end really bugged me too. Feels like this wasn't written at all for the contest, and was merely shoehorned in at the last second with those lines.
You use "only barely" twice in this fic. It's kind of an eh phrase to begin with, so seeing it twice really makes it jump out.
Otherwise it is cute and satisfactory, but there really isn't much for me to latch onto here. It's fine! It's warm! It's fuzzy! But I'm basically gonna forget it immediately after reading it.
Otherwise it is cute and satisfactory, but there really isn't much for me to latch onto here. It's fine! It's warm! It's fuzzy! But I'm basically gonna forget it immediately after reading it.
I imagine you were going for "warm and fuzzy" but I don't think it quite gets there. It comes much closer to "bland" than "heartwarming" for me.
The ending is certainly something you could work with, but I think the rest of the story needs to do a better job of leading up to it. If Celestia is seeing Twilight as a daughter or a surrogate for Luna, show that to us. You might have been able to get away with being really subtle about it (though I think you still shouldn't have) if the story was from any other point of view. But since it's told from Celestia's point of view, you can't just ignore those thoughts/feelings.
The ending is certainly something you could work with, but I think the rest of the story needs to do a better job of leading up to it. If Celestia is seeing Twilight as a daughter or a surrogate for Luna, show that to us. You might have been able to get away with being really subtle about it (though I think you still shouldn't have) if the story was from any other point of view. But since it's told from Celestia's point of view, you can't just ignore those thoughts/feelings.
Twilight squared her shoulders. “As long as I have a dictionary to look up any words I don’t know, I can read anything.”
Okay, I loved this bit. This is an excellent piece of characterization for filly-Twilight, and it's adorable, too.
On a more serious note, my takeaway from the ending is that Princess Celestia wants to ignore these motherly impulses she's having around Twilight. This leads me to two conclusions: mentioning Princess Luna muddies this idea, and that Princess Celestia is worried about coddling her. If the second point is correct, then Princess Luna actually needs a little more attention. Princess Celestia needs to wrestle with the consequences of coddling Twilight, knowing the trials her student will someday face.
Point is, Princess Celestia is struggling with her emotions at the end of this story. Take the next logical step and illustrate why she's struggling with them and how much of a struggle it is.
Filly Twilight is best Twilight
But yeah, while this would be an excellent scene in the context of a longer story, it feels a bit empty on its own like that. Still, it is very well written, cute and captivating, and I look forward to reading the longer fanfic you will no doubt write.
But yeah, while this would be an excellent scene in the context of a longer story, it feels a bit empty on its own like that. Still, it is very well written, cute and captivating, and I look forward to reading the longer fanfic you will no doubt write.
gilded with gold
Montresor-!!
Anyway, existing comments cover everything well. This is nice and flowery and goes down smooth, but tastes of nothing. Where's the conflict? What does a character wish for that they do not have, and what do they do because of this? Yeah, Celestia thinks Twilight's cute - do we? Why should the reader care? Give me something to hang on to!
Thanks for writing, though!