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In the Nick of Time
The only sound of strained breaths broke the still of the otherwise quiet bedroom. Standing in the center betwixt two statues sat Pinkie, hooves pressed firmly against either side of her head as she desperately sucked air through her tightly clenched jaw. The mare’s eyes bounced from statue to statue like balls in a tennis match, but these were no ordinary statues.
The first was clearly Starlight Glimmer, balanced perfectly on one hoof with forelegs reared back, and a jovial laugh frozen upon her face. The ponk of a hollow ball almost rang audible when Pinkie’s pupils flicked over to the adjacent pony. A stoic, unblinking Maud Pie stood tall with the faintest hint of a smirk threatening to break through her surly facade.
Pinkie screamed again, voice cracking and coarse, both mares’ manes flailed helplessly in the frosting-scented breeze as the grating sound shook the very crystal of the bedroom. Seconds turned to minutes with Pinkie’s face shifting from pink, to red, and finally deep indigo when her primal shriek finally faded into voiceless hiss.
She took a deep breath. Suddenly her hoof dropped to the floor. She snatched up a knickknack before shoving it in Starlight’s still-laughing face. "How am I going to fix this?" she cried. In her hoof sat a golden watch with a cracked face and lone spring poking from a split in the scuffed exterior. "I didn’t mean it, I swear!"
Starlight didn’t move a muscle.
Pinkie dropped the watch and snatched Maud by the shoulders, shaking her violently. "I’m sorry, okay? I’ll stop giving you two friendship advice and I’ll never in the way of you making friends again! This time I mean it!"
When Pinkie let go, Maud simply froze where she stopped.
Her eyes darted between the frozen ponies, but neither moved.
"Oh, no…" Pinkie said breathlessly. "I’ll have to live in an time-stopped world. I’ll go crazy—end up pretending everything’s normal when clearly it’s not!" Pinkie covered her mouth in horror. "I don’t want to make up voices for all of Equestria when I inevitably go insane!"
"Cheer up, Pinkie," she said from behind her hoof in a flat, tone. Her eyes jumped to Starlight. "You’ll get this all sorted out," she added, mimicking the unicorn’s voice.
Pinkie gasped. "It’s already started!"
A sudden burst of tears exploded out like fountains from Pinkie’s eyes. But as puddles took form on either side, she abruptly stopped the waterworks.
"Somepony has to be able to fix this!" Pinkie shifted on her haunches, head rattling like a rattle before it snapped firmly into place. Then a light bulb flicked on next to her head. "Twilight! Maybe Twilight isn’t frozen!" She jumped up. "Or I can find a book on watch repair!"
In a Pink blur she zipped out of the room, scooping the watch, and knocking Starlight over on the way out. Once the door slammed behind her, caught in the tailwind, the two ponies were left alone.
Starlight sprung up onto her hooves, letting out a sigh of relief. "See? I told you that’d keep her busy." She snickered and immediately winced. Her horn lit up, and she plucked free two ear plugs from deep within her ears.
"It only took her two hours of screaming at us—" Maud pulled two plugs from her own ears "—to finally go look for help with the watch," she replied with a flat tone. "It would have been quicker if we had snuck away while she was distracted with Pinkie things." She only stared with an occasional slow blink. "Like when she starts jumping around the room looking for improv material."
"Yeah, but she’s catching on to our tricks." Starlight gingerly massaged her cheeks, eyebrow furrowed as she did.
"I’ll never smile again," she muttered to herself.
"I suppose." Maud glanced to the door for a second before flicking her eyes back to Starlight. "This won’t give us much time though."
"How do you figure?" Starlight raised an eyebrow.
Maud glanced to the door once more. "We have twenty minutes for her to find Twilight, be overjoyed she’s not frozen, and explain the situation before Twilight tells her the world isn’t frozen." She gave the smallest shrug. "Or less."
Starlight nodded idly for a few seconds. "Less it is, Twilight’s in the next wing over. Let’s bail before we’re stuck pretending this is a contained temporal anomaly."
"As fun as it was doing my Boulder impression, I agree."
The first was clearly Starlight Glimmer, balanced perfectly on one hoof with forelegs reared back, and a jovial laugh frozen upon her face. The ponk of a hollow ball almost rang audible when Pinkie’s pupils flicked over to the adjacent pony. A stoic, unblinking Maud Pie stood tall with the faintest hint of a smirk threatening to break through her surly facade.
Pinkie screamed again, voice cracking and coarse, both mares’ manes flailed helplessly in the frosting-scented breeze as the grating sound shook the very crystal of the bedroom. Seconds turned to minutes with Pinkie’s face shifting from pink, to red, and finally deep indigo when her primal shriek finally faded into voiceless hiss.
She took a deep breath. Suddenly her hoof dropped to the floor. She snatched up a knickknack before shoving it in Starlight’s still-laughing face. "How am I going to fix this?" she cried. In her hoof sat a golden watch with a cracked face and lone spring poking from a split in the scuffed exterior. "I didn’t mean it, I swear!"
Starlight didn’t move a muscle.
Pinkie dropped the watch and snatched Maud by the shoulders, shaking her violently. "I’m sorry, okay? I’ll stop giving you two friendship advice and I’ll never in the way of you making friends again! This time I mean it!"
When Pinkie let go, Maud simply froze where she stopped.
Her eyes darted between the frozen ponies, but neither moved.
"Oh, no…" Pinkie said breathlessly. "I’ll have to live in an time-stopped world. I’ll go crazy—end up pretending everything’s normal when clearly it’s not!" Pinkie covered her mouth in horror. "I don’t want to make up voices for all of Equestria when I inevitably go insane!"
"Cheer up, Pinkie," she said from behind her hoof in a flat, tone. Her eyes jumped to Starlight. "You’ll get this all sorted out," she added, mimicking the unicorn’s voice.
Pinkie gasped. "It’s already started!"
A sudden burst of tears exploded out like fountains from Pinkie’s eyes. But as puddles took form on either side, she abruptly stopped the waterworks.
"Somepony has to be able to fix this!" Pinkie shifted on her haunches, head rattling like a rattle before it snapped firmly into place. Then a light bulb flicked on next to her head. "Twilight! Maybe Twilight isn’t frozen!" She jumped up. "Or I can find a book on watch repair!"
In a Pink blur she zipped out of the room, scooping the watch, and knocking Starlight over on the way out. Once the door slammed behind her, caught in the tailwind, the two ponies were left alone.
Starlight sprung up onto her hooves, letting out a sigh of relief. "See? I told you that’d keep her busy." She snickered and immediately winced. Her horn lit up, and she plucked free two ear plugs from deep within her ears.
"It only took her two hours of screaming at us—" Maud pulled two plugs from her own ears "—to finally go look for help with the watch," she replied with a flat tone. "It would have been quicker if we had snuck away while she was distracted with Pinkie things." She only stared with an occasional slow blink. "Like when she starts jumping around the room looking for improv material."
"Yeah, but she’s catching on to our tricks." Starlight gingerly massaged her cheeks, eyebrow furrowed as she did.
"I’ll never smile again," she muttered to herself.
"I suppose." Maud glanced to the door for a second before flicking her eyes back to Starlight. "This won’t give us much time though."
"How do you figure?" Starlight raised an eyebrow.
Maud glanced to the door once more. "We have twenty minutes for her to find Twilight, be overjoyed she’s not frozen, and explain the situation before Twilight tells her the world isn’t frozen." She gave the smallest shrug. "Or less."
Starlight nodded idly for a few seconds. "Less it is, Twilight’s in the next wing over. Let’s bail before we’re stuck pretending this is a contained temporal anomaly."
"As fun as it was doing my Boulder impression, I agree."
Took a moment to realize they were frozen in time, not actually "turned to stone" so I had to redraw the past minute or so on my mental stage, which always breaks immersion. There are also some small grammar problems here and there which add to the distraction.
Overall though, a slightly amusing premise, but the humor doesn't really play for me as written. This is mostly a sight gag, and the visuals aren't enough to really "sell it" for me. The second Pinkie breaks and leaves and we see it's a prank, my suspension of disbelief fails. Pinkie is the princess of pranks. She might be fooled for a moment or three, but two hours and not looking out the window? Not seeing a shadow move? No one else coming running at all the screaming (when Twilight is just in the next wing even?) It just... I know I shouldn't try to apply logic to Pinkie Pie, but... I just don't buy Starlight and Maud trying this to "avoid" Pinkie. Not only are they both far more intelligent, but Maud literally has an entire lifetime of practice in dealing with Pinkie.
Overall though, a slightly amusing premise, but the humor doesn't really play for me as written. This is mostly a sight gag, and the visuals aren't enough to really "sell it" for me. The second Pinkie breaks and leaves and we see it's a prank, my suspension of disbelief fails. Pinkie is the princess of pranks. She might be fooled for a moment or three, but two hours and not looking out the window? Not seeing a shadow move? No one else coming running at all the screaming (when Twilight is just in the next wing even?) It just... I know I shouldn't try to apply logic to Pinkie Pie, but... I just don't buy Starlight and Maud trying this to "avoid" Pinkie. Not only are they both far more intelligent, but Maud literally has an entire lifetime of practice in dealing with Pinkie.
I'm definitely glad I saw the most recent (depending on your region) episode, as otherwise I think some of the context of this piece might have been lost on me.
This was a fun little skit though. I thought that you pretty much nailed Starlight's character (which was great), Pinkie Pie's perhaps less so—or at least less consistently. There were a few words/phrases and mannerisms that didn't quite ring true for me. Ditto for some word choices throughout the narrative, and you have a couple of sentences that, if they aren't already run-ons, are becoming dangerously close to being run-ons. But these aren't particularly critical issues to your story; a good edit during less restrictive circumstances will sort out such things simply enough. The premise is entertaining, which is what counts here, and it brought a smile to my face. There might be a better ending out there—this one did make the story feel more like a chapter from a larger body of work than a standalone short—but on the whole I enjoyed it for what it was.
Thanks for sharing your work.
This was a fun little skit though. I thought that you pretty much nailed Starlight's character (which was great), Pinkie Pie's perhaps less so—or at least less consistently. There were a few words/phrases and mannerisms that didn't quite ring true for me. Ditto for some word choices throughout the narrative, and you have a couple of sentences that, if they aren't already run-ons, are becoming dangerously close to being run-ons. But these aren't particularly critical issues to your story; a good edit during less restrictive circumstances will sort out such things simply enough. The premise is entertaining, which is what counts here, and it brought a smile to my face. There might be a better ending out there—this one did make the story feel more like a chapter from a larger body of work than a standalone short—but on the whole I enjoyed it for what it was.
Thanks for sharing your work.
The use of "statues" at first is jarring, because they sound like literal statues.
There are some grating grammatical errors and flow issues, like the comma splice here:
Or the way
is a separate paragraph even though it's still Starlight talking.
I like the premise, and I like Pinkie's motivation, but the dialogue voices are kind of inconsistent. Especially the last line doesn't seem like something Maud would say (especially about Boulder).
There are some grating grammatical errors and flow issues, like the comma splice here:
Pinkie screamed again, voice cracking and coarse, both mares’ manes flailed helplessly in the frosting-scented breeze as the grating sound shook the very crystal of the bedroom.
Or the way
"I’ll never smile again," she muttered to herself.
is a separate paragraph even though it's still Starlight talking.
I like the premise, and I like Pinkie's motivation, but the dialogue voices are kind of inconsistent. Especially the last line doesn't seem like something Maud would say (especially about Boulder).
Err I stopped watching the episodes so I don't get the backdrop here.
This is mildly funny, although I can't figure out how an alive Starlight can maintain balance in the position you describe without suffering from immediate cramps.
Rest is splastick Pinkie, described in an apt, but somewhat cardboard-cut way. Cookie-cutter Pinkie.
I thought the end would have been stronger if both of them prepared a surprise event or something. Which they may be doing in the episode you're implicitly referring to, and that I didn't watch. Consequently the end fell flat for me.
This is mildly funny, although I can't figure out how an alive Starlight can maintain balance in the position you describe without suffering from immediate cramps.
Rest is splastick Pinkie, described in an apt, but somewhat cardboard-cut way. Cookie-cutter Pinkie.
I thought the end would have been stronger if both of them prepared a surprise event or something. Which they may be doing in the episode you're implicitly referring to, and that I didn't watch. Consequently the end fell flat for me.
A bit of unfortunate grammar wonkiness to start off with.
Then in the intro, I also thought that they were actually stone statues, which made the manes moving seem really confusing until we get to the time stop bit.
I did enjoy Pinke's bit (and manner) of self-reflection, made better when we hit the reveal. I didn't see it coming, and found it quite amusing.
I didn't notice the earplugs on the first readthrough.
While on reflection, it does seem over the top, as some of the other comments have noted, at least on the initial read, that didn't bother me and I found it quite amusing.
Then in the intro, I also thought that they were actually stone statues, which made the manes moving seem really confusing until we get to the time stop bit.
I did enjoy Pinke's bit (and manner) of self-reflection, made better when we hit the reveal. I didn't see it coming, and found it quite amusing.
I didn't notice the earplugs on the first readthrough.
While on reflection, it does seem over the top, as some of the other comments have noted, at least on the initial read, that didn't bother me and I found it quite amusing.
These are statues, so how are the manes flowing? I'm not getting a clear picture here. "Lifelike statues" would help a lot.
Is the knickknack supposed to be the watch? Watches aren't knickknacks, because they have a useful function to them and you don't (usually) put them on display. Knickknacks are curiosities.
Who muttered the mutter, Maud or Starlight? If it's Starlight, I'd merge it with the above paragraph. At the very least it needs a tag telling us who is talking.
I'm not sure I get the ending. Why would they have to keep pretending if the prank is over and done with, and Pinkie's going to get the watch repaired? Do they think she'd be mad at them? I think the "let's bail" sentence seems too telly. Maybe, "Let's bail. I don't want to be stuck...", instead.
Either way, the ending was too flat. I'd have ended it a few paragraphs earlier, or else added more to the end to make it feel like there was a resolution. I'm left wondering exactly why they pulled the prank if they're afraid to admit that it was a prank to her face... it doesn't make sense to me. I have more questions than I started with, which is not usually good.
The last line really confused me. Maybe, "I had fun doing my Boulder impression, but I agree." As is, it took me a few reads to figure out what Maud was trying to say.
Is the knickknack supposed to be the watch? Watches aren't knickknacks, because they have a useful function to them and you don't (usually) put them on display. Knickknacks are curiosities.
Who muttered the mutter, Maud or Starlight? If it's Starlight, I'd merge it with the above paragraph. At the very least it needs a tag telling us who is talking.
I'm not sure I get the ending. Why would they have to keep pretending if the prank is over and done with, and Pinkie's going to get the watch repaired? Do they think she'd be mad at them? I think the "let's bail" sentence seems too telly. Maybe, "Let's bail. I don't want to be stuck...", instead.
Either way, the ending was too flat. I'd have ended it a few paragraphs earlier, or else added more to the end to make it feel like there was a resolution. I'm left wondering exactly why they pulled the prank if they're afraid to admit that it was a prank to her face... it doesn't make sense to me. I have more questions than I started with, which is not usually good.
The last line really confused me. Maybe, "I had fun doing my Boulder impression, but I agree." As is, it took me a few reads to figure out what Maud was trying to say.
There's never a good place to have grammatical errors, awkwardly structured phrases/sentences, etc., but the opening paragraph is one of the two worst (the other being the closing paragraph). That's a pretty good way to lose the benefit of the doubt when it comes to such errors elsewhere.
Quite a bit of this story is Pinkie Pie demonstrating why she is worst Mane 6. I recognize this may be a somewhat controversial position, so allow me to defend it:
Pinkie is more prone to overreaction than even Rarity and has been known to be even more insensitive than Rainbow Dash. She thinks at odd angles to everyone else, which is occasionally useful but more often not and sometimes actively counterproductive - and she's bad at communicating her thoughts (to be fair, that fault's hardly unique to her, but it amplifies the difficulties caused by her unusual approaches to things). Even when she's aware that she's screwed up, I rarely get the sense that she knows why what she did was wrong (or at least, the wrong thing to do), meaning I have less confidence that she won't make the same or a similar mistake again.
In short, she is aggressively childlike, in a way that is very out of place when compared to the rest of the Element bearers - which might not be so bad if they weren't all supposed to be more or less the same age she is, maybe a little bit older. As it is, though, she's in the position of being someone who really ought to know better but doesn't seem to, which makes her difficult to write in a way that doesn't make me want to pull my hair out. (Also, "lolrandom" can go die in a fire. Not that that's relevant to this story, just in general.)
>>Xepher notes that Pinkie is "the princess of pranks", which suggests something that might make her actions in the first half of this story somewhat more palatable to me: Pinkie could be aware that Starlight and Maud are trying to pull one over on her, and she's counter-pranking them by going along with it and seeing how dedicated they are to staying in character. I would be fine with that. The only problem is, there's nothing actually in the story that indicates that's the case.
I didn't mind the ending, at least not as much as some people seem to have, but it didn't really grab me.
Quite a bit of this story is Pinkie Pie demonstrating why she is worst Mane 6. I recognize this may be a somewhat controversial position, so allow me to defend it:
Pinkie is more prone to overreaction than even Rarity and has been known to be even more insensitive than Rainbow Dash. She thinks at odd angles to everyone else, which is occasionally useful but more often not and sometimes actively counterproductive - and she's bad at communicating her thoughts (to be fair, that fault's hardly unique to her, but it amplifies the difficulties caused by her unusual approaches to things). Even when she's aware that she's screwed up, I rarely get the sense that she knows why what she did was wrong (or at least, the wrong thing to do), meaning I have less confidence that she won't make the same or a similar mistake again.
In short, she is aggressively childlike, in a way that is very out of place when compared to the rest of the Element bearers - which might not be so bad if they weren't all supposed to be more or less the same age she is, maybe a little bit older. As it is, though, she's in the position of being someone who really ought to know better but doesn't seem to, which makes her difficult to write in a way that doesn't make me want to pull my hair out. (Also, "lolrandom" can go die in a fire. Not that that's relevant to this story, just in general.)
>>Xepher notes that Pinkie is "the princess of pranks", which suggests something that might make her actions in the first half of this story somewhat more palatable to me: Pinkie could be aware that Starlight and Maud are trying to pull one over on her, and she's counter-pranking them by going along with it and seeing how dedicated they are to staying in character. I would be fine with that. The only problem is, there's nothing actually in the story that indicates that's the case.
I didn't mind the ending, at least not as much as some people seem to have, but it didn't really grab me.
Pinkie's characterization is easily the best thing about this story, especially this part:
I think my suspension of disbelief went beyond the snapping point, though, by the mention of Starlight and Maud sitting there unmoving for two hours straight. I'm also missing an explanation of why, exactly, have they done all this. It seems too much effort and pain for a mere prank. From Pinkie's profuse apology, I'm getting the vague feeling that it's mean to be some sort of payback or a lesson for Pinkie's shenanigans in S7E04, but I don't see how does the watch fit into all this.
Pinkie covered her mouth in horror. "I don’t want to make up voices for all of Equestria when I inevitably go insane!"
"Cheer up, Pinkie," she said from behind her hoof in a flat, tone. Her eyes jumped to Starlight. "You’ll get this all sorted out," she added, mimicking the unicorn’s voice.
Pinkie gasped. "It’s already started!"
I think my suspension of disbelief went beyond the snapping point, though, by the mention of Starlight and Maud sitting there unmoving for two hours straight. I'm also missing an explanation of why, exactly, have they done all this. It seems too much effort and pain for a mere prank. From Pinkie's profuse apology, I'm getting the vague feeling that it's mean to be some sort of payback or a lesson for Pinkie's shenanigans in S7E04, but I don't see how does the watch fit into all this.