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Calamity from the Skies
The sky darkened to a deep, rich red, like wine. Cosmic energy crackled across Ponyville; bolts of lightning carved furrows and gouged holes in homes and roofs. Pandemonium reigned as townsponies screamed and flocked to predesignated shelters to hold their loved ones close.
Bon Bon watched the chaos unfold from the patio table outside Tea-Totaler, and sipped placidly from her cup of darjeeling.
"Bonnie!" Lyra raced to the table and skidded to a stop, throwing her forelegs around her marefriend. Her voice was thick, and her eyes were red – she must have been crying out of panic. "Thank Celestia I found you. We need to go. Right now!"
"Why?"
"Why?!" She grabbed Bon Bon's face between her hooves and wrenched it toward the sky, where a head the size of a meteorite plunged toward Ponyville, laughing maniacally. Strands of dark-streaked blue hair fluttered behind it, and tears of madness, caught in its own gravitic pull, orbited its cyan face.
"Calamity Sonata Dusk is why, Bonnie! We need to get to a shelter and––"
"And what?"
"And... survive? Hopefully?"
From Twilight's castle, two spheres of blue and yellow interposed themselves in Calamity Sonata's path. A circle written with arcane symbols stopped the head in midair. Calamity Sonata screamed.
"Sorry," said Bon Bon, "but I don't really see a point. Don't let that stop you from going, though."
Lyra cocked her head. "Bonnie, are you depressed again?"
"No, I've been taking my pills." She circled the rim of her teacup with a hoof, flashes of light catching in the surface of her drink. "I've just been thinking about things, is all, and I've concluded that there's no point in getting worked up whenever things like this happen."
"When do things like this happen?!'" Lyra jerked her hoof at Calamity Sonata. "This is a little bit out of the ordinary, Bonnie! Just a smidge!"
Bon Bon sighed. "Yes. So was Nightmare Moon plunging Equestria into eternal darkness. And Discord turning the main road into a soapy slip-'n-slide. Tirek eating everypony's magic. Parasprites eating everypony's houses. Cerberus. The bugbear."
Five more points of light, pink and orange, yellow, blue, and white, joined the first two; the circle grew wider, glowed brighter. Fire gnashed inside Calamity Sonata's mouth.
Lyra watched anxiously. "What are you trying to say?"
Bon Bon sipped her tea as tongues of liquid fire, and also profanities, lashed against the lights holding back Calamity Sonata.
"Every now and then, something crazy happens in Ponyville. The town goes crazy. Then the problem is resolved quickly and neatly, rendering all that panic and all that terror moot. So I just figure..."
A lance of pink and purple shot from the castle, pierced the circle, and sliced deep into Calamity Sonata's forehead.
"...why freak out?"
Calamity Sonata wailed with the ecstasy of death as she disintegrated. Flesh and matter evaporated in the air; bone and teeth caromed in all directions. The storms and winds of destruction ebbed and vanished with her passing. The lights which struck her down faded and lowered to the earth.
Lyra watched, a smile breaking across her face. "They did it," she whispered. "I can't believe they actually did it!"
"I can." Bon Bon finished the rest of her tea. "It happens all the time. Once, maybe twice, a year. It's usually over and done with by lunch, and we all get back to our lives like nothing happened."
Lyra glared at Bon Bon. "So, what, we should just ignore stuff like this and hope it goes away?"
"I said nothing about hope. Live your life as you would otherwise, with the certainty that it will go away." She smiled at Lyra. "But ignore it, yes, by all means, rather than running about like chickens with your heads––"
A fragment of a tooth crashed sideways onto Bon Bon from above, its sauce-encrusted crown missing Lyra by mere inches.
Lyra cried out and dropped to her knees – Bon Bon's head was still visible underneath the crown, her face contorted with pain. "Bonnie! You okay?"
"...Yes," she lied. "All the same, I wouldn't say no to a hospital."
Lyra levitated the tooth high enough to pull Bon Bon out. Looping her foreleg around her neck, she raised Bon Bon to her hooves, and began the trip to the hospital. Around them, townsponies emerged from their shelters, into the bright light of day.
"Gosh," said Lyra. "If only there were some way we could have avoided this."
"Shut up."
Bon Bon watched the chaos unfold from the patio table outside Tea-Totaler, and sipped placidly from her cup of darjeeling.
"Bonnie!" Lyra raced to the table and skidded to a stop, throwing her forelegs around her marefriend. Her voice was thick, and her eyes were red – she must have been crying out of panic. "Thank Celestia I found you. We need to go. Right now!"
"Why?"
"Why?!" She grabbed Bon Bon's face between her hooves and wrenched it toward the sky, where a head the size of a meteorite plunged toward Ponyville, laughing maniacally. Strands of dark-streaked blue hair fluttered behind it, and tears of madness, caught in its own gravitic pull, orbited its cyan face.
"Calamity Sonata Dusk is why, Bonnie! We need to get to a shelter and––"
"And what?"
"And... survive? Hopefully?"
From Twilight's castle, two spheres of blue and yellow interposed themselves in Calamity Sonata's path. A circle written with arcane symbols stopped the head in midair. Calamity Sonata screamed.
"Sorry," said Bon Bon, "but I don't really see a point. Don't let that stop you from going, though."
Lyra cocked her head. "Bonnie, are you depressed again?"
"No, I've been taking my pills." She circled the rim of her teacup with a hoof, flashes of light catching in the surface of her drink. "I've just been thinking about things, is all, and I've concluded that there's no point in getting worked up whenever things like this happen."
"When do things like this happen?!'" Lyra jerked her hoof at Calamity Sonata. "This is a little bit out of the ordinary, Bonnie! Just a smidge!"
Bon Bon sighed. "Yes. So was Nightmare Moon plunging Equestria into eternal darkness. And Discord turning the main road into a soapy slip-'n-slide. Tirek eating everypony's magic. Parasprites eating everypony's houses. Cerberus. The bugbear."
Five more points of light, pink and orange, yellow, blue, and white, joined the first two; the circle grew wider, glowed brighter. Fire gnashed inside Calamity Sonata's mouth.
Lyra watched anxiously. "What are you trying to say?"
Bon Bon sipped her tea as tongues of liquid fire, and also profanities, lashed against the lights holding back Calamity Sonata.
"Every now and then, something crazy happens in Ponyville. The town goes crazy. Then the problem is resolved quickly and neatly, rendering all that panic and all that terror moot. So I just figure..."
A lance of pink and purple shot from the castle, pierced the circle, and sliced deep into Calamity Sonata's forehead.
"...why freak out?"
Calamity Sonata wailed with the ecstasy of death as she disintegrated. Flesh and matter evaporated in the air; bone and teeth caromed in all directions. The storms and winds of destruction ebbed and vanished with her passing. The lights which struck her down faded and lowered to the earth.
Lyra watched, a smile breaking across her face. "They did it," she whispered. "I can't believe they actually did it!"
"I can." Bon Bon finished the rest of her tea. "It happens all the time. Once, maybe twice, a year. It's usually over and done with by lunch, and we all get back to our lives like nothing happened."
Lyra glared at Bon Bon. "So, what, we should just ignore stuff like this and hope it goes away?"
"I said nothing about hope. Live your life as you would otherwise, with the certainty that it will go away." She smiled at Lyra. "But ignore it, yes, by all means, rather than running about like chickens with your heads––"
A fragment of a tooth crashed sideways onto Bon Bon from above, its sauce-encrusted crown missing Lyra by mere inches.
Lyra cried out and dropped to her knees – Bon Bon's head was still visible underneath the crown, her face contorted with pain. "Bonnie! You okay?"
"...Yes," she lied. "All the same, I wouldn't say no to a hospital."
Lyra levitated the tooth high enough to pull Bon Bon out. Looping her foreleg around her neck, she raised Bon Bon to her hooves, and began the trip to the hospital. Around them, townsponies emerged from their shelters, into the bright light of day.
"Gosh," said Lyra. "If only there were some way we could have avoided this."
"Shut up."
Good entry, I didn't laugh but I still smiled more than once. The jokes aren't fresh and new but you still managed to deliver them correctly. The last line was very good too.
I still have a problem (not a big one) with the premise and one of the sentence.
You mentionned the Bugbear. Maybe if you didn't I wouldn't have noticed, because I can clearly remember that, indeed, with every other vilains, ponies were panicking but with the Bugbear, not that much. Plus, both Lyra AND BonBon weren't panicking at all. They were just casually talking about it, so either Lyra shouldn't be panicking or either she should explain precisely why this was different from the last times.
I still have a problem (not a big one) with the premise and one of the sentence.
"Yes. So was Nightmare Moon plunging Equestria into eternal darkness. And Discord turning the main road into a soapy slip-'n-slide. Tirek eating everypony's magic. Parasprites eating everypony's houses. Cerberus. The bugbear."
You mentionned the Bugbear. Maybe if you didn't I wouldn't have noticed, because I can clearly remember that, indeed, with every other vilains, ponies were panicking but with the Bugbear, not that much. Plus, both Lyra AND BonBon weren't panicking at all. They were just casually talking about it, so either Lyra shouldn't be panicking or either she should explain precisely why this was different from the last times.
Tea-Totaler
Get to the top of my slate!
"...Yes," she lied. "All the same, I wouldn't say no to a hospital."
And stay there!
Well, I guess time will tell there, but I really enjoyed this one. It pokes fun at the show in a way that doesn't overshadow the actual story supporting it, and that's a successful balancing act well worth pointing out. I appreciated the humour, and particularly the ending. I think >>Fenton highlighted a valid niggle, but it is indeed a small one. Well executed, and great fun.
Thanks kindly for sharing your work.
I like this one; it simultaneously pokes fun at the frequency with which disaster befalls Ponyville (always good for a giggle!) and reinforces the importance of getting in the dang shelter instead of rubbernecking. I think you could tone down the "death" description, personally--the contrast of grandiosity to mundanity is all well and good, it's the "The ponies are literally described as just having murdered something" bit that I think is a bit of a distraction--but that's a niggle. Ditto character choices; two ponies who've been shown to be calm in the face of disaster are a weaker choice for the story than is ideal. But both of those are details, really. The core of this is great.
Ooooh. This is a nice comedy. The punchline lands well, and there's a lot of nice bits of wordcraft throughout. I especially like the textual contrast between the main scene and the very mundane descriptions of the faraway battle: it's reminiscent of the self-parody of the "Slice of Life" episode, but better (ahem).
Genre: Nopony expects the Sonata Inquisition!
Thoughts: This was enjoyable! I can't give it enough praise overall. That first paragraph has a great hook. But I think >>Fenton makes a keen observation about the Bugbear reference; it pulled me out of the moment and made me question the whole premise. For that reason (and for other episode 100 ties) I almost think a different pair of ponies might work better here. The good news is you wouldn't really have to change much more than the names to recast this. But I'm also with >>Chris in saying that this works regardless.
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: This was enjoyable! I can't give it enough praise overall. That first paragraph has a great hook. But I think >>Fenton makes a keen observation about the Bugbear reference; it pulled me out of the moment and made me question the whole premise. For that reason (and for other episode 100 ties) I almost think a different pair of ponies might work better here. The good news is you wouldn't really have to change much more than the names to recast this. But I'm also with >>Chris in saying that this works regardless.
Tier: Strong
This story is about 99 words too long I think. Ending with the tooth falling on Bon Bon was superior, I think, and far punchier and to the point. Everything after it is basically a repeat of the punchline, except with way less punch. It's also more in line with the overall tone, I feel.
Bon Bon and Lyra are indeed kinda odd choices for this and I agree with Fenton's overall observation re: Bugbear.
Beyond that... I dunno, the context here is a little too crackfic/lolrandom for me personally? It is decently written, but I have a bit of trouble getting into it.
Bon Bon and Lyra are indeed kinda odd choices for this and I agree with Fenton's overall observation re: Bugbear.
Beyond that... I dunno, the context here is a little too crackfic/lolrandom for me personally? It is decently written, but I have a bit of trouble getting into it.
Last one in my mad dash to complete a basic slate! Will we come out on a good note?
.... Yes. Buck yes we will. This owns. I like the concept, I like the execution, I like the descriptions and flow, I like the tonal contrasts, I like the ending giving it a spin without being a WHOA SAD TWIST with Bon Bon actually dying, I like the puns and all the wordplay going on, I like the perfect fit to mini length, I like everything about this. Top of my slate, easy, not close to being close. Thank you for writing. Not all of the humor is going to land with everyone, and some minor quibbles have been pointed out, but it lands spot on with me.
>>AndrewRogue
Specifically disagree with the comment about the ending. I would not like this nearly as much if it ended with the tooth fall. Too many comedy attempts trip over themselves with "AND THEN SHE DIED" ruining the mood at the end.
.... Yes. Buck yes we will. This owns. I like the concept, I like the execution, I like the descriptions and flow, I like the tonal contrasts, I like the ending giving it a spin without being a WHOA SAD TWIST with Bon Bon actually dying, I like the puns and all the wordplay going on, I like the perfect fit to mini length, I like everything about this. Top of my slate, easy, not close to being close. Thank you for writing. Not all of the humor is going to land with everyone, and some minor quibbles have been pointed out, but it lands spot on with me.
>>AndrewRogue
Specifically disagree with the comment about the ending. I would not like this nearly as much if it ended with the tooth fall. Too many comedy attempts trip over themselves with "AND THEN SHE DIED" ruining the mood at the end.
Yeah yeah, fair enough. Not bad, but the last joke didn't land for me. There's too much rambling between Sonata's demise and the crashing of the tooth. It's almost like you wrote that everything had cleared out and then suddenly a last projectile crops up from nowhere just for the needs of the punchline. Can't buy it.
It's a bit too campy and caricatural to me. I think I would've appreciated it better if, for example, you had concluded with a panting Twilight Sparkle hobbling to BonBon and saying “Next time, your job, pal!”
So this is going to end up mid-slate. Not bad, but nothing amazing either.
It's a bit too campy and caricatural to me. I think I would've appreciated it better if, for example, you had concluded with a panting Twilight Sparkle hobbling to BonBon and saying “Next time, your job, pal!”
So this is going to end up mid-slate. Not bad, but nothing amazing either.
First, an apology to the authors of the stories I didn't review; I wasn't feeling well last night, and went to bed early. Since I haven't yet discovered a means of reviewing fiction whilst unconscious, I missed out on giving you all my patented canned-and-recycled shitpost critique.
Second, uh, let's just get this out of the way real quick...
Retrospective from the Skies
This was a story. One which I wrote.
...The end.
I dunno, man, I did this in an hour with the primary goal of not writing about Twilight Sparkle overcompensating for a minor bout of depression in a minific round for once. My secondary goal was to make everyone think Syeekoh wrote it (because if you saw something with a giant cosmic Sonata Dusk face destroying Ponyville... I mean, c'mon, your mind would go there too, right?).
>>Fenton's criticism about the Bugbear is great, as are the points that everyone else made about Lyra and Bon Bon being ill-suited to this premise. I needed a pair of characters with relatively clear voices in-universe, and the only other pair I could think of were Dr. Whooves and Derpy. Since I refuse to dignify Dr. Whooves with any sort of attention whatsoever, I went with Lyra and Bon Bon instead.
Too late did I remember that Vinyl and Octavia exist. So I'll probably swap 'em out for Lyra and Bon Bon.
Per >>Chris's criticism, I'll probably rewrite the big Sonata death scene into something campier that doesn't involve her dissolving a la the Grotesquerie Queen... while still losing her teeth...
The rest of you are cool and attractive and smart, but respectfully, I'll probably keep the dialogue more or less as-is. This story'll have to balloon in size a bit in order to reach FiMfic's 1k word minimum, but that shouldn't be too difficult, in part due to FiMfic's algorithm exaggerating word counts. And in part due to the fact that there's some imagery and sensory description that got cut from the Writeoff draft.
Thanks to everyone for reading, and make sure you sacrifice a taco platter to sate the appetite of Calamity Sonata Dusk, lest she consume your bottom with toothy fury.
Henceforth, all my Writeoff entries will be about oversized, cosmic body parts doing things to, or in the vicinity of, the Mane Six.
Second, uh, let's just get this out of the way real quick...
Retrospective from the Skies
This was a story. One which I wrote.
...The end.
I dunno, man, I did this in an hour with the primary goal of not writing about Twilight Sparkle overcompensating for a minor bout of depression in a minific round for once. My secondary goal was to make everyone think Syeekoh wrote it (because if you saw something with a giant cosmic Sonata Dusk face destroying Ponyville... I mean, c'mon, your mind would go there too, right?).
>>Fenton's criticism about the Bugbear is great, as are the points that everyone else made about Lyra and Bon Bon being ill-suited to this premise. I needed a pair of characters with relatively clear voices in-universe, and the only other pair I could think of were Dr. Whooves and Derpy. Since I refuse to dignify Dr. Whooves with any sort of attention whatsoever, I went with Lyra and Bon Bon instead.
Too late did I remember that Vinyl and Octavia exist. So I'll probably swap 'em out for Lyra and Bon Bon.
Per >>Chris's criticism, I'll probably rewrite the big Sonata death scene into something campier that doesn't involve her dissolving a la the Grotesquerie Queen... while still losing her teeth...
The rest of you are cool and attractive and smart, but respectfully, I'll probably keep the dialogue more or less as-is. This story'll have to balloon in size a bit in order to reach FiMfic's 1k word minimum, but that shouldn't be too difficult, in part due to FiMfic's algorithm exaggerating word counts. And in part due to the fact that there's some imagery and sensory description that got cut from the Writeoff draft.
Thanks to everyone for reading, and make sure you sacrifice a taco platter to sate the appetite of Calamity Sonata Dusk, lest she consume your bottom with toothy fury.
Henceforth, all my Writeoff entries will be about oversized, cosmic body parts doing things to, or in the vicinity of, the Mane Six.