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The Last One
The smile strained her cheeks, but Twilight bore it as best she could when the juvenile dragon landed on the balcony of her private study. “Spike! It feels like ages since you last came to visit.”
Now standing head and shoulders taller than her, Spike offered no response. His emerald eyes gleamed with the inner fire she’d long grown accustomed to, but today there was something else in his gaze. He wielded it like a sword, piercing her with a hard expression before advancing his study to the rooms behind her. She felt her heart sink at his behavior, but dared to say nothing for fear of—
His once childlike voice now had the auditory resemblance of crunching gravel. “You have the letter.”
Twilight could only be glad his eyes weren’t swords; her heart hurt enough as it was. “L-letter? What letter?”
His brow furrowed. His claws balled into fists.
With tail between her legs and wings plastered to her sides, Twilight retreated. Her words sputtered as she slowly backed away. “Don’t give me that look! I’m a princess, Spike. I’m r-really busy. I can maybe squeeze in a few hours next week, but right now is just—”
“She’s got a day.” His words were like ice. “Maybe two. This can’t wait.”
Twilight’s hind legs collapsed as the reality of his words sank in. “Th-that soon? But… But I can’t—”
Spike approached, the emerald fires raging in his glare. “You can’t what, Twilight? What? She’s the last, and you can’t be bothered to even see her?”
“I can’t do this again!”
She turned away, covering her face with her wings as the tears finally broke free. “I c-can’t. Don’t make me watch, please. I can’t stand it.”
She’d barely begun sobbing when a strong claw grasped her shoulder and spun her around. Spike had dropped to all fours. He shoved his face into hers with a snarl. “Spare me your self-pity. Fluttershy is dying.”
“I know she is!” Twilight pulled away from him, banging into her desk as she did. “They’re all gone and I’m just… I just keep…” The tears pushed their way through once more. She made no attempt to stop them. His angry face blurred, and she was glad for it. Those blazing eyes hurt almost as much as the truth he wanted her to face.
After a moment of quiet, Spike heaved a long sigh. “She’s my friend too, Twilight. This hurts me no less than it does you. It hurts Celestia. It hurts Luna. I can’t imagine what Discord’s going through right now, but he refuses to leave her side. The only one acting like a foal about this is you.”
She wiped furiously at her eyes. “But I—”
“No.” He raised a single claw before her muzzle. “There are no excuses. You’re supposed to be the Princess of Friendship. Your friend is about to die. Celestia coddles you. Luna respects you too much to interfere. Cadance can’t bring herself to do anything. None of them are gonna say it, so I will: get your selfish rump to the cottage. Now.”
He turned and stomped for the balcony. “If you can’t do that, you should give up your crown. Friendship isn’t just about the good times.”
You have to be there through the bad times, too.
She watched as he disappeared in the night sky, the old lesson echoing through her mind. The castle felt cold without his burning eyes. After a while, she turned away. The letter sat unopened on her desk, stamped with a familiar trio of butterflies. Time slipped past, and all she could do was stare.
Stare and think.
After what seemed an eternity, she let out a weak chuckle. “You always were the best, Spike.”
She trotted for the balcony, wings spreading wide. There was no need of the letter.
Fluttershy could tell her in person.
Now standing head and shoulders taller than her, Spike offered no response. His emerald eyes gleamed with the inner fire she’d long grown accustomed to, but today there was something else in his gaze. He wielded it like a sword, piercing her with a hard expression before advancing his study to the rooms behind her. She felt her heart sink at his behavior, but dared to say nothing for fear of—
His once childlike voice now had the auditory resemblance of crunching gravel. “You have the letter.”
Twilight could only be glad his eyes weren’t swords; her heart hurt enough as it was. “L-letter? What letter?”
His brow furrowed. His claws balled into fists.
With tail between her legs and wings plastered to her sides, Twilight retreated. Her words sputtered as she slowly backed away. “Don’t give me that look! I’m a princess, Spike. I’m r-really busy. I can maybe squeeze in a few hours next week, but right now is just—”
“She’s got a day.” His words were like ice. “Maybe two. This can’t wait.”
Twilight’s hind legs collapsed as the reality of his words sank in. “Th-that soon? But… But I can’t—”
Spike approached, the emerald fires raging in his glare. “You can’t what, Twilight? What? She’s the last, and you can’t be bothered to even see her?”
“I can’t do this again!”
She turned away, covering her face with her wings as the tears finally broke free. “I c-can’t. Don’t make me watch, please. I can’t stand it.”
She’d barely begun sobbing when a strong claw grasped her shoulder and spun her around. Spike had dropped to all fours. He shoved his face into hers with a snarl. “Spare me your self-pity. Fluttershy is dying.”
“I know she is!” Twilight pulled away from him, banging into her desk as she did. “They’re all gone and I’m just… I just keep…” The tears pushed their way through once more. She made no attempt to stop them. His angry face blurred, and she was glad for it. Those blazing eyes hurt almost as much as the truth he wanted her to face.
After a moment of quiet, Spike heaved a long sigh. “She’s my friend too, Twilight. This hurts me no less than it does you. It hurts Celestia. It hurts Luna. I can’t imagine what Discord’s going through right now, but he refuses to leave her side. The only one acting like a foal about this is you.”
She wiped furiously at her eyes. “But I—”
“No.” He raised a single claw before her muzzle. “There are no excuses. You’re supposed to be the Princess of Friendship. Your friend is about to die. Celestia coddles you. Luna respects you too much to interfere. Cadance can’t bring herself to do anything. None of them are gonna say it, so I will: get your selfish rump to the cottage. Now.”
He turned and stomped for the balcony. “If you can’t do that, you should give up your crown. Friendship isn’t just about the good times.”
You have to be there through the bad times, too.
She watched as he disappeared in the night sky, the old lesson echoing through her mind. The castle felt cold without his burning eyes. After a while, she turned away. The letter sat unopened on her desk, stamped with a familiar trio of butterflies. Time slipped past, and all she could do was stare.
Stare and think.
After what seemed an eternity, she let out a weak chuckle. “You always were the best, Spike.”
She trotted for the balcony, wings spreading wide. There was no need of the letter.
Fluttershy could tell her in person.
This story doesn't have an overly original premise, nor does it really attempt to do anything new with it, but I did feel it was executed pretty well. Again, it manages to deliver emotional conflict as well as one could hope from such a short piece of fiction, and it isn't overwrought or made too melodramatic. Twilight's body language was nicely handled, and made her anguish feel believable—I'm not too sure I could say the same about Spike, though. I think I needed to see a little more of how his behaviour (and their relationship as a result) has changed over the years. You had some words left (though, of course, you might not have had the time), and I think you could have teased some of this into their interactions. As it was, his character felt too harsh and disproportionate to the situation, and was in need of more shading. For me, this upset the balance of the scene a little too much for it to work completely, and I wonder if it would have been a stronger piece without him.
The prompt was pretty evident in this story, though, and I really appreciate that. It was also a strongly structured story, with a clear narrative arc and a conclusion that was satisfying when taken in the context of the story as a whole. It'll probably end up in the middle/upper middle tier of my slate I imagine.
Thanks very much for sharing your work!
The prompt was pretty evident in this story, though, and I really appreciate that. It was also a strongly structured story, with a clear narrative arc and a conclusion that was satisfying when taken in the context of the story as a whole. It'll probably end up in the middle/upper middle tier of my slate I imagine.
Thanks very much for sharing your work!
This is a great story, and perhaps the worst thing I can say about it is you have doomed yourself to writeoff failure by writing about Fluttershy dying. Seriously, ask Titanium Dragon how well audiences like stories that are mean to Flutters. Spike's last exchange with Twilight is perfect, bringing in a lot of characterization that informs the current situation, framing it as something that's been built up to, and the ending is surprisingly but not inappropriately upbeat. Nice work!
Spike's anger toward Twilight feels justified, but his overall attitude toward her feels overblown. On the one hand, I get why he'd be upset that she wouldn't be by Fluttershy's bedside in her final moments. On the other, unless something has happened to drive a wedge between the two of them (perhaps this isn't the first time something like this has happened), then his utter lack of empathy for her is just uncharacteristically cold.
Maybe I'm just particularly sensitive to the relationship between these two. But I don't see Spike treating Twilight with this kind of contempt, no matter what the situation. Not unless the story goes well out of its way to justify it.
...So I think I'm gonna abstain in the preliminaries. It's a solid story, overall, and if it makes it to the finals (which I feel like it will), I might revisit that decision. But for now, I'm gonna bow out of the voting.
Maybe I'm just particularly sensitive to the relationship between these two. But I don't see Spike treating Twilight with this kind of contempt, no matter what the situation. Not unless the story goes well out of its way to justify it.
...So I think I'm gonna abstain in the preliminaries. It's a solid story, overall, and if it makes it to the finals (which I feel like it will), I might revisit that decision. But for now, I'm gonna bow out of the voting.
Eyes being swords doesn't really do it for me (they're too round for that, even on dragons, at least if they're MLP dragons), but that's a quibble.
This bit is worded oddly, because the second sentence puts all four claws on the ground and the first puts one on Twilight's shoulder. Should probably be resequenced.
The particular form of Spike's anger implies to me that Twilight's gone through this four other times and fumbled it every time, and that he's allowing her to redeem herself by getting it right even once. That seems maybe uncharacteristically undutiful of Twilight, but I can imagine her getting into that state after maybe spending a lot of background time in her life trying to avoid having any of this happen at all, and then when it starts happening it's not just the event itself but the sting of failure.
It's a little narmy, and the premise is a kind of overdone by now, but I still like it overall.
a strong claw grasped her shoulder and spun her around. Spike had dropped to all fours.
This bit is worded oddly, because the second sentence puts all four claws on the ground and the first puts one on Twilight's shoulder. Should probably be resequenced.
The particular form of Spike's anger implies to me that Twilight's gone through this four other times and fumbled it every time, and that he's allowing her to redeem herself by getting it right even once. That seems maybe uncharacteristically undutiful of Twilight, but I can imagine her getting into that state after maybe spending a lot of background time in her life trying to avoid having any of this happen at all, and then when it starts happening it's not just the event itself but the sting of failure.
It's a little narmy, and the premise is a kind of overdone by now, but I still like it overall.
I agree with what >>Ceffyl_Dwr has said about the premise, the execution and the emotional conflict. Even though that's a topic I don't particularly enjoy reading about, the story was nicely executed to caught me at least a little (not enough to overcome my usual indifference for this topic but still).
However, I'll disagree about Spike. For me, he is well characterised. I can picture him snapping at his big sister for 'failing' her friend. This line in particular:
In the good Spike episodes, he's often the voice of reason, trying to get sense in Twilight's head. He's snarky and sarcastic and since he's older in this story, and the topic is way more serious, the fact he's very angry and tells Twilight off is not only believable but it fits his character.
So it's a pretty solid story with great characterisations. Thank you for that.
However, I'll disagree about Spike. For me, he is well characterised. I can picture him snapping at his big sister for 'failing' her friend. This line in particular:
Celestia coddles you. Luna respects you too much to interfere. Cadance can’t bring herself to do anything. None of them are gonna say it, so I will: get your selfish rump to the cottage. Now.
In the good Spike episodes, he's often the voice of reason, trying to get sense in Twilight's head. He's snarky and sarcastic and since he's older in this story, and the topic is way more serious, the fact he's very angry and tells Twilight off is not only believable but it fits his character.
So it's a pretty solid story with great characterisations. Thank you for that.
>>Fenton That specific example about why the Spike characterization in this story is consistent works so well that I had to point out my agreement here by means of saying that I had to point it out.
Some sentences are really wordy or heavy-handed:
“His voice had grown raucous/hoarse/raspy/gravelly/…”
Anyway. I concur with all the others in saying that the characterisation is solid and the scene has a definite emotional impact. It might be a bit campy, especially when it comes to describing Spike’s eyes, and I'm still scratching my head as to why it belongs to him to carry out this mission. I understand no one else is ballsy enough to tell Twilight she's an utter jerk, but the choice of Spike caught me a lot off-kilter.
Finally, as often in minifics, I would say that Twilight turnabout decision is too abrupt to be 100% realistic, but it's clear you bumped your pen into the wall. Maybe with another handful of 250 words the ending would’ve been more satisfactory.
Overall, though, clearly top third in my slate. Welcome to the finals.
His once childlike voice now had the auditory resemblance of crunching gravel.“auditory resemblance”? No kid? “sounded like” is too lowbrow for you? :P
“His voice had grown raucous/hoarse/raspy/gravelly/…”
Anyway. I concur with all the others in saying that the characterisation is solid and the scene has a definite emotional impact. It might be a bit campy, especially when it comes to describing Spike’s eyes, and I'm still scratching my head as to why it belongs to him to carry out this mission. I understand no one else is ballsy enough to tell Twilight she's an utter jerk, but the choice of Spike caught me a lot off-kilter.
Finally, as often in minifics, I would say that Twilight turnabout decision is too abrupt to be 100% realistic, but it's clear you bumped your pen into the wall. Maybe with another handful of 250 words the ending would’ve been more satisfactory.
Overall, though, clearly top third in my slate. Welcome to the finals.
This does a relatively common plot, but does it well. Having Spike be the voice of hard facts really works, and seeing him have to take the role of the grown up is the natural evolution of their current (canon) dynamic. The overall moral comes across really strong as well. This is the final friendship lesson that everyone has to learn, and it's told wonderfully here. Good job!
Like other people, I thought this one was well-written and atmospheric. And the subject matter, of Twilight having to outlive her friends because she's an alicorn, while well-worn is a good subject for the writing prompt.
That said, I don't care for the characterization as is. Spike is way to much of a jerk in this story; he's also a near-immortal who had just as close a connection to the others as Twilight, and I would think his actions and words would be leavened with at least some sympathy and understanding – a sort of “I know this is bad for you, but we need to do this” vibe. As it is, he doesn't seem to care at all about her feelings on the matter. (Nor does he seem to care about the possibility of alienating his last remaining friend from that group; as an immortal, Twilight might remember this exchange for a very long time...)
There's also the fact that Twilight is actually made of much sterner stuff than is presented here (a very common problem, even in canon these days, so I don't blame the author that much). After all, at the beginning of the series Twilight was willing to personally face down Nightmare Moon, and later to talk down Applejack in “Applebuck Season” (just to name a couple of examples). I don't think she'd really hesitate being at her friends' deathbeds, even if it tore her up inside; and as a princess she'd feel that it was a necessary gesture to the members of her court. Alternatively, I can see her trying to ignore the matter of her friends' mortality so much that she goes insane and simply acts as though it's still during the time of the series (in which case I'd see Spike being comforting rather than angry). But she is definitely not a coward.
I think the problem here is a lack of information. The story is set decades after the series, and something obviously caused Twilight to retreat into something of a shell and be reluctant to face her friends' deaths, as well as cause a massive rift between her and Spike. What was it? Answer that and the character's actions will be on a much more solid footing.
Hope that all didn't sound to harsh, and thanks for sharing!
That said, I don't care for the characterization as is. Spike is way to much of a jerk in this story; he's also a near-immortal who had just as close a connection to the others as Twilight, and I would think his actions and words would be leavened with at least some sympathy and understanding – a sort of “I know this is bad for you, but we need to do this” vibe. As it is, he doesn't seem to care at all about her feelings on the matter. (Nor does he seem to care about the possibility of alienating his last remaining friend from that group; as an immortal, Twilight might remember this exchange for a very long time...)
There's also the fact that Twilight is actually made of much sterner stuff than is presented here (a very common problem, even in canon these days, so I don't blame the author that much). After all, at the beginning of the series Twilight was willing to personally face down Nightmare Moon, and later to talk down Applejack in “Applebuck Season” (just to name a couple of examples). I don't think she'd really hesitate being at her friends' deathbeds, even if it tore her up inside; and as a princess she'd feel that it was a necessary gesture to the members of her court. Alternatively, I can see her trying to ignore the matter of her friends' mortality so much that she goes insane and simply acts as though it's still during the time of the series (in which case I'd see Spike being comforting rather than angry). But she is definitely not a coward.
I think the problem here is a lack of information. The story is set decades after the series, and something obviously caused Twilight to retreat into something of a shell and be reluctant to face her friends' deaths, as well as cause a massive rift between her and Spike. What was it? Answer that and the character's actions will be on a much more solid footing.
Hope that all didn't sound to harsh, and thanks for sharing!
It's been over four years since Magical Mystery Cure. Are we really not done with these "immortality blues" stories yet?
I don't think there's really anything too wrong with this story, but it's not any different from all the other ones like it that I got tired of reading years ago. Someone who likes this type of story will probably think that this one's pretty good. But to me, it's just so overdone that it's bland and boring.
I give it a solid "meh."
And how fitting that this story was the last one on my slate.
I don't think there's really anything too wrong with this story, but it's not any different from all the other ones like it that I got tired of reading years ago. Someone who likes this type of story will probably think that this one's pretty good. But to me, it's just so overdone that it's bland and boring.
I give it a solid "meh."
And how fitting that this story was the last one on my slate.
Now there's a great story. Everything fits well together and every sentence enriches the story. This kind of emotional stories is a risky business, but for this one, I didn't think for a moment that Twilight's or Spike's feelings were unrealistic or exaggerated or out of character, and it feels interesting to see how Spike has matured over the years. (The mention of Discord just adds to the tragic sweetness.) I didn't think it was unbelievable or unlikeable for him to be bossing Twilight around, considering how in the show itself he sometimes acts as her voice of reason.
Hey, here's a story I've read before. I'm looking for the original perspective or slant or something, anything, but I'm just not seeing it. Twilight's Sad Because Her Friends Are Dying: Part the 43rd.
So yeah, well written. And it's not your fault, author, but this idea has been done to death. Stories on this theme need to be exceptional in order to stand out from the crowd.
So yeah, well written. And it's not your fault, author, but this idea has been done to death. Stories on this theme need to be exceptional in order to stand out from the crowd.
>>Chris
Clearly they were writing for me. They were like "TD is back! I'm going to do horrible things to Fluttershy in his honor! Clearly this will get me all the points from him."
Admittedly I did like this story reasonably well, which just feels like playing to type. But the dragon doth protest too much, I suspect.
My biggest issue with this story is what >>Cold in Gardez said, namely that this is a story I've read before. Still, I did feel like it was a reasonably good execution thereof. I'm also not sure if Spike felt entirely right; I can imagine him being angry/frustrated, but I also would imagine there'd be a bit more understanding; he felt a bit one-note in that regard.
Clearly they were writing for me. They were like "TD is back! I'm going to do horrible things to Fluttershy in his honor! Clearly this will get me all the points from him."
Admittedly I did like this story reasonably well, which just feels like playing to type. But the dragon doth protest too much, I suspect.
My biggest issue with this story is what >>Cold in Gardez said, namely that this is a story I've read before. Still, I did feel like it was a reasonably good execution thereof. I'm also not sure if Spike felt entirely right; I can imagine him being angry/frustrated, but I also would imagine there'd be a bit more understanding; he felt a bit one-note in that regard.
Yeah, as it's been said before, I've read this exact same story a thousand times already. And the writing is serviceable, but it's just so full of filler. More than half the words in here are either too telly or completely unnecessary.
I get that it's about character, but I really don't think it's the best way to do it. Like:
All this can be easily done with just:
Half the words, same effect.
I'm not saying the writing is bad, but it feels overly fluffy. 90% of it or so feels superfluous. I get why people say it's well-written, but I also think it could be so, so much better.
I get that it's about character, but I really don't think it's the best way to do it. Like:
The smile strained her cheeks, but Twilight bore it as best she could when the juvenile dragon landed on the balcony of her private study. “Spike! It feels like ages since you last came to visit.”
Now standing head and shoulders taller than her, Spike offered no response. His emerald eyes gleamed with the inner fire she’d long grown accustomed to, but today there was something else in his gaze. He wielded it like a sword, piercing her with a hard expression before advancing his study to the rooms behind her. She felt her heart sink at his behavior, but dared to say nothing for fear of—
His once childlike voice now had the auditory resemblance of crunching gravel. “You have the letter.”
All this can be easily done with just:
It hurt a bit to smile, but she did it anyway. "Spike! It feels like ages since you last came to visit!"
"You have the letter."
Spike didn't smile back at her.
That hurt a bit more.
Half the words, same effect.
I'm not saying the writing is bad, but it feels overly fluffy. 90% of it or so feels superfluous. I get why people say it's well-written, but I also think it could be so, so much better.
i can't believe fluttershy is bucking dead
... again. What IS it this round with everyone killing or wanting to kill her?
Anyway. Yep. What >>Cold in Gardez said.
"Spike threatens Twilight into performing a dubious act of friendship (thereby enabling a small author tract about how to do friendship) while also things are grim and dark because of mortality issues" - kind of overdone, and not very compelling to me in the first place.
Spike threatening Twilight to do the "mature" thing feels off (I see that argument about it being a natural growth of his character, but eehhh... don't buy it, not like this.) Twilight being "bad" at friendship feels off. The premise of the tract is... well, I strongly disagree, to say the least. I see others in the comments don't share that view, so sure, it's arguable... but I find it especially hard to swallow that Fluttershy, Element of Kindness, would agree with Spike either. MAYBE she might send a letter to let Twilight know she doesn't have long left, but no way she'd be okay with pressuring Twilight into doing something she explicitly says she doesn't want to do and that will cause her severe distress. Also, the whole situation has some unpleasant overtones of "allow me, a tough male self-insert into Spike, to tell you how to do friendship."
So, yeah, can't say I'm a fan of this one. It has to twist too many things to function at all, and the paths it trods have long since been worn into ruts. The execution of the prose is okay, there's some nice imagery... but geez, even the imagery references things like swords and emeralds, not exactly positive symbols in FIM.
Well. Sorry for all the gloom. Thanks for writing - hope to see you back next time, maybe come back for an original round!
... again. What IS it this round with everyone killing or wanting to kill her?
Anyway. Yep. What >>Cold in Gardez said.
"Spike threatens Twilight into performing a dubious act of friendship (thereby enabling a small author tract about how to do friendship) while also things are grim and dark because of mortality issues" - kind of overdone, and not very compelling to me in the first place.
Spike threatening Twilight to do the "mature" thing feels off (I see that argument about it being a natural growth of his character, but eehhh... don't buy it, not like this.) Twilight being "bad" at friendship feels off. The premise of the tract is... well, I strongly disagree, to say the least. I see others in the comments don't share that view, so sure, it's arguable... but I find it especially hard to swallow that Fluttershy, Element of Kindness, would agree with Spike either. MAYBE she might send a letter to let Twilight know she doesn't have long left, but no way she'd be okay with pressuring Twilight into doing something she explicitly says she doesn't want to do and that will cause her severe distress. Also, the whole situation has some unpleasant overtones of "allow me, a tough male self-insert into Spike, to tell you how to do friendship."
So, yeah, can't say I'm a fan of this one. It has to twist too many things to function at all, and the paths it trods have long since been worn into ruts. The execution of the prose is okay, there's some nice imagery... but geez, even the imagery references things like swords and emeralds, not exactly positive symbols in FIM.
Well. Sorry for all the gloom. Thanks for writing - hope to see you back next time, maybe come back for an original round!
>>Aragon
I don't think it's necessary to cut description altogether. I see your point that it's a more concise way of getting emotion across, but I think it's not the only way to do it.
Description is good for setting mood, adding visual descriptions to make the story more vivid, and more. I would agree that some of it is superfluous and unnecessary, but the edited passage that you offered is very... dry, and devoid of atmosphere. Full of emotion in so little words, but... not much vividness to it, I think.
I think it's helpful to point out something in a story that you think hurts the effect the story can have, and I agree that some of the description is a bit superfluous and unnecessary, but I disagree that it's 90% superfluous, and I disagree that the solution you provided is the only better way to do it.
I don't think it's necessary to cut description altogether. I see your point that it's a more concise way of getting emotion across, but I think it's not the only way to do it.
Description is good for setting mood, adding visual descriptions to make the story more vivid, and more. I would agree that some of it is superfluous and unnecessary, but the edited passage that you offered is very... dry, and devoid of atmosphere. Full of emotion in so little words, but... not much vividness to it, I think.
I think it's helpful to point out something in a story that you think hurts the effect the story can have, and I agree that some of the description is a bit superfluous and unnecessary, but I disagree that it's 90% superfluous, and I disagree that the solution you provided is the only better way to do it.
This all... honestly ends up feeling kinda OOC all around. Like, Twilight is simpering, Spike is hyper aggro, etc. Half-expecting Spike to just smack her and say "stop being a pussy."
I dunno, it's just one of those things that leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I can potentially see the roads that lead here, but don't really like them that much.
I dunno, it's just one of those things that leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I can potentially see the roads that lead here, but don't really like them that much.