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Nothing More to Suffer
A collision occurred. A child stole away her vision from darkness and opened them to the hard cloud floor. They hacked and spit as their own juices spewed from out their body. They glanced upward to the three blurry, dark figures above.
Red-stained teeth gritted as their hoof wiped at their mouth. The figures spoke, but it all became blurred before it could reach the child's ears. The child got back on their hooves as they lost themselves to the singular thought that encompassed their entire head.
Their emotions were knitted upon their sleeve. Complete uncontrollable wrath is what they possessed. The fire in their voice sent forward to the figures as the child's eyes became fueled by spite.
They didn't care anymore. Their hooves carried them forwards as their lungs vibrated from their screams. Nothing mattered, they thought. However, a force greater than them sent their figure backward. A foot kicked them out and banished them from the clouds forever more. A bed caught their fall. It wrapped them in its own bedsheets as they struggled to gain free. Eventually, they caught light.
The child scanned the room, her frantic mood only developed as time passed with the ticking clocks. Their mind wandered in fear as everything around them was unrecognizable.
“Mom?” a voice came from beside her.
The child looked to the mare standing at her bedside. The mare reached for the child’s hooves and grasped them tightly. A silence developed between the two of them.
“Ah,” Rainbow Dash came to her senses as she calmed herself down. “What brings you here, Light Bolt?”
“I wanted to see my mother, is all.” Nothing more was said of her after that.
Rainbow Dash sighed. “I don’t have long, do I?”
Light Bolt teared up. She buried her face in Rainbow’s fur as her emotions came clear.
“You could always tell when I was hiding something.”
“You really aren’t the best of liars, you know,” Rainbow scoffed.
The duo remained silent as Rainbow examined her past, present, and future. Rainbow spoke up.
“You know, when I was just a filly, I always thought that no matter what I did, nothing really mattered in the end.”
“Mom,” Light Bolt’s tears pulled themselves to a stop. She stared at her mother. “Don’t say that. That’s not like you.”
Rainbow could only stare at her daughter with her casual grin. "Is that so?"
“It is so, Rainbow Dash. I never expected that alignment of words to come out of your mouth.”
The two looked at the door, Princess Celestia came through.
“I always thought that you were the one of the group with the most hope out of everyone else. Has the thought of your death changed you?”
“Changed me?” Rainbow scoffed. “I’ve always feared death. I was just the last one of the group to realize my fear in every situation we’ve been through. If anything, I was just stubborn.”
“Even so, Rainbow, it was your stubbornness that brought us all here. Each and every one of my little ponies are safe and sound due to your undevoted loyalty to your friends. Even though they may not be here with you today, your friendship brought new generations of ponies to come.
"And even though your life may be coming to an end, you can at least enjoy the thought that your children will enjoy what you've laid out for them."
Rainbow crossed her hooves and smirked. She held herself back but still laughed. “What am I thinking?” she came clear to herself and ignored those thoughts. “Of course the world doesn’t revolve just around me.”
Rainbow turned to her wide-eyed, teary daughter. "You're in control now, you hear? Since the day you were born, I knew you would do something great with your life, and look at you!"
Rainbow’s neck departed from her thunderbolt necklace. She placed it in the hooves of her daughter. “It’s yours now. You’re the next Element of Loyalty.”
The stone glowed from Light Bolt's touch. Tears ran down her cheeks as she gave her mother an endearing hug.
Rainbow looked to Celestia, her white wings spread as her smile beamed with light. Rainbow was almost blinded from the sheer radiance of the Goddess in front of her. "Are you ready to be carried upon the skies with my wings once again?”
Rainbow smiled. “I’m ready.”
And so, Rainbow Dash vanished and appeared once again in the skies full of heavenly clouds up above and remained there forevermore.
Red-stained teeth gritted as their hoof wiped at their mouth. The figures spoke, but it all became blurred before it could reach the child's ears. The child got back on their hooves as they lost themselves to the singular thought that encompassed their entire head.
Their emotions were knitted upon their sleeve. Complete uncontrollable wrath is what they possessed. The fire in their voice sent forward to the figures as the child's eyes became fueled by spite.
They didn't care anymore. Their hooves carried them forwards as their lungs vibrated from their screams. Nothing mattered, they thought. However, a force greater than them sent their figure backward. A foot kicked them out and banished them from the clouds forever more. A bed caught their fall. It wrapped them in its own bedsheets as they struggled to gain free. Eventually, they caught light.
The child scanned the room, her frantic mood only developed as time passed with the ticking clocks. Their mind wandered in fear as everything around them was unrecognizable.
“Mom?” a voice came from beside her.
The child looked to the mare standing at her bedside. The mare reached for the child’s hooves and grasped them tightly. A silence developed between the two of them.
“Ah,” Rainbow Dash came to her senses as she calmed herself down. “What brings you here, Light Bolt?”
“I wanted to see my mother, is all.” Nothing more was said of her after that.
Rainbow Dash sighed. “I don’t have long, do I?”
Light Bolt teared up. She buried her face in Rainbow’s fur as her emotions came clear.
“You could always tell when I was hiding something.”
“You really aren’t the best of liars, you know,” Rainbow scoffed.
The duo remained silent as Rainbow examined her past, present, and future. Rainbow spoke up.
“You know, when I was just a filly, I always thought that no matter what I did, nothing really mattered in the end.”
“Mom,” Light Bolt’s tears pulled themselves to a stop. She stared at her mother. “Don’t say that. That’s not like you.”
Rainbow could only stare at her daughter with her casual grin. "Is that so?"
“It is so, Rainbow Dash. I never expected that alignment of words to come out of your mouth.”
The two looked at the door, Princess Celestia came through.
“I always thought that you were the one of the group with the most hope out of everyone else. Has the thought of your death changed you?”
“Changed me?” Rainbow scoffed. “I’ve always feared death. I was just the last one of the group to realize my fear in every situation we’ve been through. If anything, I was just stubborn.”
“Even so, Rainbow, it was your stubbornness that brought us all here. Each and every one of my little ponies are safe and sound due to your undevoted loyalty to your friends. Even though they may not be here with you today, your friendship brought new generations of ponies to come.
"And even though your life may be coming to an end, you can at least enjoy the thought that your children will enjoy what you've laid out for them."
Rainbow crossed her hooves and smirked. She held herself back but still laughed. “What am I thinking?” she came clear to herself and ignored those thoughts. “Of course the world doesn’t revolve just around me.”
Rainbow turned to her wide-eyed, teary daughter. "You're in control now, you hear? Since the day you were born, I knew you would do something great with your life, and look at you!"
Rainbow’s neck departed from her thunderbolt necklace. She placed it in the hooves of her daughter. “It’s yours now. You’re the next Element of Loyalty.”
The stone glowed from Light Bolt's touch. Tears ran down her cheeks as she gave her mother an endearing hug.
Rainbow looked to Celestia, her white wings spread as her smile beamed with light. Rainbow was almost blinded from the sheer radiance of the Goddess in front of her. "Are you ready to be carried upon the skies with my wings once again?”
Rainbow smiled. “I’m ready.”
And so, Rainbow Dash vanished and appeared once again in the skies full of heavenly clouds up above and remained there forevermore.
I've read the beginning of this story twice, and even granting that it seems to be a dream it doesn't make sense to me. The author seems to be using 'they' as a singular pronoun, which in this case just adds to the confusion. I don't see that any useful mystery is maintained by not giving the child a gender; just use 'she' as you started to do.
The end is straightforward, if rather preachy. Still, odd and distracting phrasings crop up ("[her] neck departed from her [...] necklace.") I found it odd that Celestia is serving as an angel of death to literally bear the Elements to heaven, but your headcanon may vary.
Tier: Needs work.
The end is straightforward, if rather preachy. Still, odd and distracting phrasings crop up ("[her] neck departed from her [...] necklace.") I found it odd that Celestia is serving as an angel of death to literally bear the Elements to heaven, but your headcanon may vary.
Tier: Needs work.
The use of "they" for a singular pronoun is... problematic at best. Unfortunately English has no gender-neutral singular, so it's somewhat common to use the plural. Left alone as a character, it can work, but as the paragraphs involved also talk about "three figures" it means the pronoun is now completely useless in determining who it references. That meant the first half of this story is mostly just a confusing blur on my mental stage. I can't "see" anything.
I would harp on more grammatical oddities, but I suspect this may be written by someone who's still learning English, possibly as a second language. There are strong ideas here, but the phrasing used comes across very oddly, in a way that isn't simply "mistakes." The only way to improve that is to keep practicing. If you do that, and keep the ideas coming, you'll get there in the end!
I would harp on more grammatical oddities, but I suspect this may be written by someone who's still learning English, possibly as a second language. There are strong ideas here, but the phrasing used comes across very oddly, in a way that isn't simply "mistakes." The only way to improve that is to keep practicing. If you do that, and keep the ideas coming, you'll get there in the end!
Agreed with the confusion at the beginning. It comes across as angry to me, which made it difficult to switch gears later.
I also noticed the odd phrasing, such as 'frantic mood only developed as time passed with the ticking clocks' and 'that alignment of words' it wouldn't hurt to have a more in-depth edit pass to iron out some of these.
I liked the use of body language, and the characterization and emotions seemed sound enough. it's a weighty topic that's being covered, and Celestia bringing her to the other side isn't my usual fare, but it didn't really bother me, either. To each their own headcanon.
In the end the story suffered more from mechanics, and the disjunciton I felt from the first part.
I also noticed the odd phrasing, such as 'frantic mood only developed as time passed with the ticking clocks' and 'that alignment of words' it wouldn't hurt to have a more in-depth edit pass to iron out some of these.
I liked the use of body language, and the characterization and emotions seemed sound enough. it's a weighty topic that's being covered, and Celestia bringing her to the other side isn't my usual fare, but it didn't really bother me, either. To each their own headcanon.
In the end the story suffered more from mechanics, and the disjunciton I felt from the first part.
I'm sorry, I can't get through the jumble at the beginning. I can't hold onto the plot, and the end seems too much like a sappy cliché storm without anything justifying it. I also can't figure out the prompt relevance.
Very sorry, but (after a few attempts) I have to add my agreement to the points raised about the beginning; there is something resonating at the centre of it all, but in its current form it's too vague and confused for it to show through. That does harm the story somewhat, because I'm left to evaluate just half of a piece.
That piece holds some promise, though, at least in the angle you've chosen to take. I'm not completely convinced by Dash's character, but I'm prepared to accept that she has grudgingly allowed time to mature her somewhat. I think this would be more convincingly achieved without word limit restrictions, and I can sense enough here to suggest that this could be expanded into a thoughtful piece. It's not quite there at the moment, in my opinion, but you're probably only a few focused revisions (and some added content) away.
Thanks for sharing your work. Look forward to seeing it again, should you feel inclined to develop it further.
That piece holds some promise, though, at least in the angle you've chosen to take. I'm not completely convinced by Dash's character, but I'm prepared to accept that she has grudgingly allowed time to mature her somewhat. I think this would be more convincingly achieved without word limit restrictions, and I can sense enough here to suggest that this could be expanded into a thoughtful piece. It's not quite there at the moment, in my opinion, but you're probably only a few focused revisions (and some added content) away.
Thanks for sharing your work. Look forward to seeing it again, should you feel inclined to develop it further.
I'll be blunt: the writing here is terribly confusing. Others have commented on the jumbled dream sequence with the awkward 'they'. I get it that you want to keep the POV character's identity a secret in the beginning, but it comes off terribly artificial (and hey, this is MLP, referring to the character as a female wouldn't exactly spoil their identity.) The problem with the dream sequence is that it's ultimately pointless; nothing ever comes out of it, and it's not clear what the "three blurry, dark figures" are or who the "child" is supposed to be.
Even after the dream ends, we get this confusing part:
OK, at first, it's apparently a child who's just woken up (and for some reason the child's a "she" in the first sentence, but a "they" in the second). But then someone addresses the character as "mom", so I guess that's an adult mare. But then we learn that the mare is standing at "her" (the child's?) bedside, so I guess that it's the child in the bed after all?... You get the idea.
The subsequent dialogue feels weak as well. Having both the filly and Celestia chew out Rainbow Dash for the line
feels unwarranted; RD is simply saying what she thought back when she was a filly -- she's not declaring that she thinks like this now.
Throughout the scene Rainbow Dash doesn't sound or behave like someone who's dying; she grins casually, smirks, crosses her hooves. In the end, I had the impression that she was fine physically, and she only died because Celestia decided to kill her off.
P.S. Couldn't resist commenting on this line...
Ouch. Now I have a gruesome vision of Rainbow handing her own decapitated head to her daughter. :]
Even after the dream ends, we get this confusing part:
The child scanned the room, her frantic mood only developed as time passed with the ticking clocks. Their mind wandered in fear as everything around them was unrecognizable.
“Mom?” a voice came from beside her.
The child looked to the mare standing at her bedside. The mare reached for the child’s hooves and grasped them tightly. A silence developed between the two of them.
OK, at first, it's apparently a child who's just woken up (and for some reason the child's a "she" in the first sentence, but a "they" in the second). But then someone addresses the character as "mom", so I guess that's an adult mare. But then we learn that the mare is standing at "her" (the child's?) bedside, so I guess that it's the child in the bed after all?... You get the idea.
The subsequent dialogue feels weak as well. Having both the filly and Celestia chew out Rainbow Dash for the line
When I was just a filly, I always thought that no matter what I did, nothing really mattered in the end
feels unwarranted; RD is simply saying what she thought back when she was a filly -- she's not declaring that she thinks like this now.
Throughout the scene Rainbow Dash doesn't sound or behave like someone who's dying; she grins casually, smirks, crosses her hooves. In the end, I had the impression that she was fine physically, and she only died because Celestia decided to kill her off.
P.S. Couldn't resist commenting on this line...
Rainbow’s neck departed from her thunderbolt necklace. She placed it in the hooves of her daughter.
Ouch. Now I have a gruesome vision of Rainbow handing her own decapitated head to her daughter. :]
