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Changing of the Guard
Gasping for breath, Twilight Sparkle looked up, and then right. Flames and rubble were everywhere, the aftermath of the battle. She felt her lungs burn from the acrid smoke. But the burning let her know she was still alive. Life, she knew, always had some pain. So she inhaled again. She could take the coughing, and the burning. She'd recover from those. But looking left...
Quetzalcoatl had been defeated, but only just. The ancient serpent bird had destroyed most of Canterlot, including the castle. The entire Royal Guard had been called, but had only made the beast flee towards Ponyville.
Twilight got her hooves beneath her, and, still coughing, moved to help others. There, a foal on the upper floor of a partially collapsed building! She levitated the colt down. Another, trapped by fire, and an ice spell to quickly extinguish the flames. Two ponies were on the roof of Sugarcube Corner... The mayor was stuck up a tree... It went on for some time, as Twilight circled the disaster area in a slow, clockwise pattern.
Twilight tried to block the beast outside the town, but it took flight, landing near town hall. She'd wanted to avoid this, another fight in a population center. She almost felt it was trying for collateral damage.
As she circled the middle of town, Twilight heard the noise of chaos all around her. Ponies were crying out for loved ones, shouting names in search, or sobbing weakly in general fear. But there were other sounds too. She could hear the grunting of a bear, the frantic squawking and thwap-thwap of bird wings against a foe, and the scritch-scritch-scritch of tiny paws on rock. She kept circling right.
To put it bluntly, they'd been losing. Badly. The jungle demon was quick and they'd underestimated it at first, giving it a huge advantage. But still, it was only a half-god. The other half was beast; a mortal entity with weakness and desires like any other. It was Fluttershy that had figured it out: Quetzalcoatl eats plums. But the god-beast didn't just eat them, he literally could not resist them, and the assembled ponies used that to lure him to his defeat.
Detached and dreamlike, Twilight had ambled through the town, until a realization struck: If you go right long enough, you eventually go left. She would have laughed if she wasn't so close to crying. In circling right, she was now back to where she started, facing the scene she'd avoided this whole time.
As the giant feathered serpent writhed in its death throes, its tail had struck the town hall, sending the tower raining down upon those beneath. Fluttershy didn't even hesitate.
Knowing she could avoid it no longer, Twilight bit her lip and stepped forward. There she saw a bear, several otters, birds, uncountable mice and rabbits, and many others, all shifting the rubble of the town hall. Beneath it, a few yellow feathers stuck out, unmoving. As the animals moved more of the debris, a wing was revealed, and Twilight willed herself to keep watching. She could ignore the truth no longer.
As the building collapsed, Fluttershy scooped up the baby bunnies Angel had been trying to shepherd away from the battle. She cuddled them beneath herself as the building fell, and, despite his protests, forced Angel himself beneath her protection as well. Later, as her last breaths left her, Angel promised her anything.
Fifty-four rabbits in full battle armor surrounded The Princess of Friendship as she marched down the aisle. The first eight bunnies had shown up the day after the battle, refusing to leave her side. Now, a dozen years later, they'd multiplied, and her lapine honor guard had grown significantly. At first, she'd cried, and raged, and nearly kicked Angel in the head when he adamantly refused to go away. In her grief, she'd seen it as some twisted form of revenge; Angel reminding her of her failure. It'd taken months before she finally understood. It wasn't a reminder that she'd failed to protect Fluttershy, it was Fluttershy protecting her. And you know what? It worked!
Sure, an alicorn is powerful just on their own, and the Royal Guard are quite capable at war. But in the past decade, nothing has struck more fear in the hearts of anypony that would cause harm to Twilight Sparkle than the thought of four dozen battle-axe wielding bunnies with a sworn life debt: The Royal Guard division known as Fluttershy's Revenge.
Quetzalcoatl had been defeated, but only just. The ancient serpent bird had destroyed most of Canterlot, including the castle. The entire Royal Guard had been called, but had only made the beast flee towards Ponyville.
Twilight got her hooves beneath her, and, still coughing, moved to help others. There, a foal on the upper floor of a partially collapsed building! She levitated the colt down. Another, trapped by fire, and an ice spell to quickly extinguish the flames. Two ponies were on the roof of Sugarcube Corner... The mayor was stuck up a tree... It went on for some time, as Twilight circled the disaster area in a slow, clockwise pattern.
Twilight tried to block the beast outside the town, but it took flight, landing near town hall. She'd wanted to avoid this, another fight in a population center. She almost felt it was trying for collateral damage.
As she circled the middle of town, Twilight heard the noise of chaos all around her. Ponies were crying out for loved ones, shouting names in search, or sobbing weakly in general fear. But there were other sounds too. She could hear the grunting of a bear, the frantic squawking and thwap-thwap of bird wings against a foe, and the scritch-scritch-scritch of tiny paws on rock. She kept circling right.
To put it bluntly, they'd been losing. Badly. The jungle demon was quick and they'd underestimated it at first, giving it a huge advantage. But still, it was only a half-god. The other half was beast; a mortal entity with weakness and desires like any other. It was Fluttershy that had figured it out: Quetzalcoatl eats plums. But the god-beast didn't just eat them, he literally could not resist them, and the assembled ponies used that to lure him to his defeat.
Detached and dreamlike, Twilight had ambled through the town, until a realization struck: If you go right long enough, you eventually go left. She would have laughed if she wasn't so close to crying. In circling right, she was now back to where she started, facing the scene she'd avoided this whole time.
As the giant feathered serpent writhed in its death throes, its tail had struck the town hall, sending the tower raining down upon those beneath. Fluttershy didn't even hesitate.
Knowing she could avoid it no longer, Twilight bit her lip and stepped forward. There she saw a bear, several otters, birds, uncountable mice and rabbits, and many others, all shifting the rubble of the town hall. Beneath it, a few yellow feathers stuck out, unmoving. As the animals moved more of the debris, a wing was revealed, and Twilight willed herself to keep watching. She could ignore the truth no longer.
As the building collapsed, Fluttershy scooped up the baby bunnies Angel had been trying to shepherd away from the battle. She cuddled them beneath herself as the building fell, and, despite his protests, forced Angel himself beneath her protection as well. Later, as her last breaths left her, Angel promised her anything.
Fifty-four rabbits in full battle armor surrounded The Princess of Friendship as she marched down the aisle. The first eight bunnies had shown up the day after the battle, refusing to leave her side. Now, a dozen years later, they'd multiplied, and her lapine honor guard had grown significantly. At first, she'd cried, and raged, and nearly kicked Angel in the head when he adamantly refused to go away. In her grief, she'd seen it as some twisted form of revenge; Angel reminding her of her failure. It'd taken months before she finally understood. It wasn't a reminder that she'd failed to protect Fluttershy, it was Fluttershy protecting her. And you know what? It worked!
Sure, an alicorn is powerful just on their own, and the Royal Guard are quite capable at war. But in the past decade, nothing has struck more fear in the hearts of anypony that would cause harm to Twilight Sparkle than the thought of four dozen battle-axe wielding bunnies with a sworn life debt: The Royal Guard division known as Fluttershy's Revenge.
It's been quite a while since I read some Brian Jacques; those final paragraphs reminded me that 'quite a while' is actually far too long.
This feels much longer than its actual length; the dual narrative gives greater context and depth to the series of events portrayed, without ever feeling like it's padding out the story. And the prompt itself, feeling quite underdeveloped at first glance, emerges loud and strong with repeat reads. There's just enough backstory included to make the story work, whilst hinting that it could form part of a much larger body of work, and I personally felt that the narrative dealt with the feelings and emotions competently. It's hard to develop these things effectively with such a restricted word count, and at no point did I feel that they were mishandled or overwrought.
I might suggest that the second POV, which I presume was Angel's could have had a stronger voice, and I'm not entirely sure that Fluttershy would approve of the division's name , but I enjoyed reading this one very much and, if it happened to be expanded for a site publication, would be back in line to read it again. Thanks for sharing.
This feels much longer than its actual length; the dual narrative gives greater context and depth to the series of events portrayed, without ever feeling like it's padding out the story. And the prompt itself, feeling quite underdeveloped at first glance, emerges loud and strong with repeat reads. There's just enough backstory included to make the story work, whilst hinting that it could form part of a much larger body of work, and I personally felt that the narrative dealt with the feelings and emotions competently. It's hard to develop these things effectively with such a restricted word count, and at no point did I feel that they were mishandled or overwrought.
I might suggest that the second POV, which I presume was Angel's could have had a stronger voice, and I'm not entirely sure that Fluttershy would approve of the division's name , but I enjoyed reading this one very much and, if it happened to be expanded for a site publication, would be back in line to read it again. Thanks for sharing.
I... don't know what to do with this one.
You have a solid writing and a nice pace. As >>Ceffyl_Dwr mentionned, the story and the backstory are well balanced to make this works. Moreover, the alternation of narration in the first part is well handled.
My main problem is with the 'four dozen battle-axe wielding bunnies'. I can't help it but find that cute and funny while I'm pretty sure that wasn't your intention and that you aimed for a much darker tone. I just can't, picturing cute little bunnies holding battle-axes with their tiny little paws just makes me laugh. And I don't know how you could have avoided that. Choosing a more wild animals wouldn't have worked because Angel is the closest animal to Fluttershy.
All in all, an excellent story with a solid writing but which failed to completely work for me because of the bunny thing, something you don't have control over.
You have a solid writing and a nice pace. As >>Ceffyl_Dwr mentionned, the story and the backstory are well balanced to make this works. Moreover, the alternation of narration in the first part is well handled.
My main problem is with the 'four dozen battle-axe wielding bunnies'. I can't help it but find that cute and funny while I'm pretty sure that wasn't your intention and that you aimed for a much darker tone. I just can't, picturing cute little bunnies holding battle-axes with their tiny little paws just makes me laugh. And I don't know how you could have avoided that. Choosing a more wild animals wouldn't have worked because Angel is the closest animal to Fluttershy.
All in all, an excellent story with a solid writing but which failed to completely work for me because of the bunny thing, something you don't have control over.
Oof, I think this doesn't know where it wants to go. Or maybe it's just that my head is spinning from trying to envision the geometry of Twilight's original trajectory.
"If you go right long enough, you eventually go left." really jarred me versus the way I imagine Twilight, because I think she'd find the geometry more than intuitive enough for it to affect even her self-awareness-suppressed, emotionally-driven actions. And if it's a literal circle then it doesn't work; she'll always be looking toward the interior of the circle, and to the left of the original point would be on the exterior. I might be an outlier, but I think that was actually one of the main things that threw me completely out of the story.
The other is that there's this weird dark tone behind everything that never fits or gets resolved: the way the disaster is treated so seriously doesn't mesh with the rest, in a way I don't quite know how to describe, and the ending is bizarre. I can see "Rainbow Dash's Revenge". "Fluttershy's Revenge", really? (But it's not just the name; it's the whole way that winds up going. If anything I would imagine Angel to be softened by the events of the story; the way his antagonism is presented in canon just makes that seem vastly more likely to me.)
"If you go right long enough, you eventually go left." really jarred me versus the way I imagine Twilight, because I think she'd find the geometry more than intuitive enough for it to affect even her self-awareness-suppressed, emotionally-driven actions. And if it's a literal circle then it doesn't work; she'll always be looking toward the interior of the circle, and to the left of the original point would be on the exterior. I might be an outlier, but I think that was actually one of the main things that threw me completely out of the story.
The other is that there's this weird dark tone behind everything that never fits or gets resolved: the way the disaster is treated so seriously doesn't mesh with the rest, in a way I don't quite know how to describe, and the ending is bizarre. I can see "Rainbow Dash's Revenge". "Fluttershy's Revenge", really? (But it's not just the name; it's the whole way that winds up going. If anything I would imagine Angel to be softened by the events of the story; the way his antagonism is presented in canon just makes that seem vastly more likely to me.)
I really enjoyed this one. My sole concern is that the ending detracts from the mood; the jump from a tragic death scene of the sweetest character on the show, to a silly vision of a fluffy rabbit guard, is too jarring. I honestly had a hard time resisting laughing upon reading this sentence:
Actually, a similar thing applies to "Quetzalcoatl eats plums". It feels too silly in the middle of what's otherwise a tense disaster scene (especially given that 'plum' is one of these fruits with funny-sounding names, like kumquat).
This is powerfully written, though, I'll give it that. The problem is that it doesn't quite settle on a consistent mood, but the dramatic and the tragic parts are honestly excellent.
But in the past decade, nothing has struck more fear in the hearts of anypony that would cause harm to Twilight Sparkle than the thought of four dozen battle-axe wielding bunnies with a sworn life debt
Actually, a similar thing applies to "Quetzalcoatl eats plums". It feels too silly in the middle of what's otherwise a tense disaster scene (especially given that 'plum' is one of these fruits with funny-sounding names, like kumquat).
This is powerfully written, though, I'll give it that. The problem is that it doesn't quite settle on a consistent mood, but the dramatic and the tragic parts are honestly excellent.
Weak hook. Very wordy and not punchy enough.
Mmpf. The first scene is lengthy, awkwardly phrased and doesn't amount to much. Then we get to the nub of the story, i.e. Fluttershy’s died. It’s like it took ages for the tower to fall, so much time she could gather all the bunnies (but what the heck those were doing there? It's not Fluttershy’s cottage which is attacked!) but not enough to scoot off. Weird.
As for the end… Okay. I suppose it's hit or miss. For me, it was a miss. I almost face-palmed.
Sorry, author, but this one didn’t work for me at all.
Mmpf. The first scene is lengthy, awkwardly phrased and doesn't amount to much. Then we get to the nub of the story, i.e. Fluttershy’s died. It’s like it took ages for the tower to fall, so much time she could gather all the bunnies (but what the heck those were doing there? It's not Fluttershy’s cottage which is attacked!) but not enough to scoot off. Weird.
As for the end… Okay. I suppose it's hit or miss. For me, it was a miss. I almost face-palmed.
Sorry, author, but this one didn’t work for me at all.
On the one hand, I must admit this is decently written.
On the other, armored battle bunnies right alongside death and sadness. The juxtaposition is just too much for me to take this story seriously. If the story was in a comedy setting, I'd wholeheartedly accept the idea of a bunny guard, but it's not, and so I'm left in a state of annoyance more than anything.
Buuut that's just me. I'm sure some people out there will consider this the best thing ever.
On the other, armored battle bunnies right alongside death and sadness. The juxtaposition is just too much for me to take this story seriously. If the story was in a comedy setting, I'd wholeheartedly accept the idea of a bunny guard, but it's not, and so I'm left in a state of annoyance more than anything.
Buuut that's just me. I'm sure some people out there will consider this the best thing ever.
Hmm... second one I've seen in this contest alone that kills Fluttershy. The bit with the circling is a bit confusing. Took me a moment to realize that the "keep going right" thing was just a circle, not some weirder maneuver or something. Getting past that, the main set up here works, Twilight is avoiding something unpleasant, and it takes just long enough for the reader to glean what it is.
The ending is the hit or miss here though. It feels like comedy thrust into tragedy, but... I also see a case for cute and fluffy being a symbol of Fluttershy herself. Something isn't less tough or less serious because it's "cute" or "kind." The problem is this story doesn't set that up right. If this is the payoff, there needs to be foreshadowing or hints of some kind to connect this ending to the bulk of the story. As it is, it feels a bit tacked on... a cheap dose of sugar to lighten the fallout.
The ending is the hit or miss here though. It feels like comedy thrust into tragedy, but... I also see a case for cute and fluffy being a symbol of Fluttershy herself. Something isn't less tough or less serious because it's "cute" or "kind." The problem is this story doesn't set that up right. If this is the payoff, there needs to be foreshadowing or hints of some kind to connect this ending to the bulk of the story. As it is, it feels a bit tacked on... a cheap dose of sugar to lighten the fallout.
i can't believe Fluttershy is bucking dead, for the second ten millionth time this round
Yeah, I'm mostly with the other comments here. This isn't told from quite the right perspective. Fluttershy and Angel are the actors in the story, not Twilight, and using Twilight as a viewpoint makes me feel removed from the action and confused by the juxtaposition of emotions. The battle might have been interesting, but the disaster zone afterwards, not so much.
As it stands this leans too heavily on the surface shock value of killing off Fluttershy and winds up a bit of an emotional mess. Clean it up, make it more focused, give us emphasis on Fluttershy herself and Angel, show us their deep feelings and beliefs that we know have to be in play here! Thanks for writing!
Yeah, I'm mostly with the other comments here. This isn't told from quite the right perspective. Fluttershy and Angel are the actors in the story, not Twilight, and using Twilight as a viewpoint makes me feel removed from the action and confused by the juxtaposition of emotions. The battle might have been interesting, but the disaster zone afterwards, not so much.
As it stands this leans too heavily on the surface shock value of killing off Fluttershy and winds up a bit of an emotional mess. Clean it up, make it more focused, give us emphasis on Fluttershy herself and Angel, show us their deep feelings and beliefs that we know have to be in play here! Thanks for writing!
I like this piece, and thought it was well-written (though it didn't have that solid a connection to the prompt, IMO). I'll agree, though, that the end point with the 'killer bunny rabbits' just didn't quite mesh with the rest of the story for me. Maybe have the rabbit become Twilight attendants at her library, or maybe her castle staff, and some of Fluttershy's other animal friends become guards? (I can definitely see Harry the Bear in armor, wielding a might weapon...)
Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for sharing!
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
>>Fenton
>>Light_Striker
>>JudgeDeadd
>>Monokeras
>>PaulAsaran
>>Ranmilia
>>eusocialdragon
>>AndrewRogue
Thanks to everyone for commenting. As I noted myself in my own fake review... this needs some work. The intent was to have Twilight ignoring Fluttershy's death by walking away from it, but... walking in a circle, she eventually came back across it and couldn't ignore it any more. How I flubbed up that basic concept with over-explanation is something I'll blame on lack of sleep. :-P
The bunny rabbits thing... Yeah, sorry, not apologizing for that. I know it feels disjunct to some, but... that's exactly what Fluttershy is to me, and what I was aiming for. She's cute and fluffy, but amazingly serious and capable when it comes to things that matter: like sacrificing herself protecting innocents or her friends. The juxtaposition is meant to be uncomfortable for the reader as for the characters. You know you SHOULD be sad, but you can't stay upset too long with Fluttershy (or a reminder of her personality) right there in front of you.
Likewise, her last request to Angle wouldn't be anything for herself, it would be to watch after her friends... This really needed to be clearer. In my mind, it's Angel that takes that and makes it a more literal and martial. Likewise, the name, "Fluttershy's Revenge" is a name they acquired from their enemies, not Fluttershy.
Of course, none of that is at all adequately explained in the story, which is why it needs so much work.
>>Fenton
>>Light_Striker
>>JudgeDeadd
>>Monokeras
>>PaulAsaran
>>Ranmilia
>>eusocialdragon
>>AndrewRogue
Thanks to everyone for commenting. As I noted myself in my own fake review... this needs some work. The intent was to have Twilight ignoring Fluttershy's death by walking away from it, but... walking in a circle, she eventually came back across it and couldn't ignore it any more. How I flubbed up that basic concept with over-explanation is something I'll blame on lack of sleep. :-P
The bunny rabbits thing... Yeah, sorry, not apologizing for that. I know it feels disjunct to some, but... that's exactly what Fluttershy is to me, and what I was aiming for. She's cute and fluffy, but amazingly serious and capable when it comes to things that matter: like sacrificing herself protecting innocents or her friends. The juxtaposition is meant to be uncomfortable for the reader as for the characters. You know you SHOULD be sad, but you can't stay upset too long with Fluttershy (or a reminder of her personality) right there in front of you.
Likewise, her last request to Angle wouldn't be anything for herself, it would be to watch after her friends... This really needed to be clearer. In my mind, it's Angel that takes that and makes it a more literal and martial. Likewise, the name, "Fluttershy's Revenge" is a name they acquired from their enemies, not Fluttershy.
Of course, none of that is at all adequately explained in the story, which is why it needs so much work.