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Sunrise
Rainbow Dash hated introspection. It was like a tornado, all crosswinds and updrafts that took perfectly normal, happy thoughts and tried to dash them to smithereens. Not to mention that they both made it impossible to sleep.
“Shucks, Rainbow Dash, you look worse than Fluttershy. Are you okay?” Applejack said, unhelpfully, as she opened Fluttershy’s front door. Much to Rainbow Dash’s annoyance the farm-mare seemed bright and perky, despite the fact she’d been up just as late.
“What are you doing here?” Rainbow snapped, ignoring the question. “Where’s Fluttershy?”
Applejack just rolled her eyes. “Inside, sugarcube. Ah thought she could do with a friendly face after the whole caboodle last night.”
Rainbow Dash’s scowl deepened, and she stopped herself pointing out that Fluttershy was supposed to be her best friend not Applejack’s. Instead, she pushed her way past the farmpony and called out. “Hey Fluttershy, I wanted to– jeeze!”
One could generally tell how stressed Fluttershy was by the number of animals she had within hooves reach. When relaxed she made do with Angel, when stressed... Rainbow shook her head and sighed as she saw the dozens of furry creatures piled around her.
“Good day?”
Fluttershy blushed. “I... I may have had a teensy nightmare—” She shuddered at the word. “—But I’m okay. Are you?”
“Why do ponies keep asking that!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, throwing up her hooves. “I’m fine. Everypony’s fine. The stupid friendship laser fixed everything and I’m fine. Fine!”
She almost punched Applejack when the mare put a hoof on her shoulders but she held herself back trembling with adrenaline.
“Sugarcube, you don’t look like you’ve slept a wink and are jumpier than Pinkie Pie on a sugar rush. Why don’t you tell us what’s bothering you?”
“What’s bothering me?” Rainbow shot her an incredulous look. “We saved the world last night! Like, from an evil alicorn, with ancient artefacts and the magic of friendship and everything! Does that seem like something that normally happens?”
Applejack rolled her eyes. “You seemed okay at the time.”
“Duh, I’m awesome,” Rainbow Dash shot back. “And I’d never leave a pony hanging, especially not the Princess. A Princess... Whatever. But now we’re the bearers of the Elements of Harmony or something? Or fated friends? Or, or, or something stupid to do with prophesies! What does that even mean?” She shook her head, twitching with nervous energy.
Silently, Fluttershy disentangled herself from her animal pile, walked over to Rainbow and pulled her friend into a hug. Rainbow Dash made no move to stop her.
“It's okay, I’m scared too.”
Rainbow Dash huffed. “I’m not scared.” She ignored Applejack rolling her eyes at her. “But we all almost died, like, three times last night. Usually the only pony’s life I risk is my own.”
Fluttershy squeezed tighter, but seemed content just to hug. Sighing, Applejack took off her hat. “Well, ah can’t confess it was a pleasant night but it's over. And hey, we’re all friends now.”
“Really? because I remember us being friendly work colleagues than actual friends.”
Applejack shot her a flat look. “Ah think saving the world makes friends with anypony.”
“Eh, probably.”
“Anyway,” Applejack continued, testily. “There’s no use fretting. Yes we all did something special and, okay, Ah’m personally sick of being told I’m a hero.”
A grumble escaped Rainbow. “Right. Everypony in town tried to shake my hoof on the way here today. Half of them don’t even know what we did! Urgh, I was supposed to be famous as a Wonderbolt not for being friends with Twilight Sparkle.”
“I’ve already had a dozen ponies visit,” Fluttershy mumbled, shuddering.
“And now we’re supposed to stay friends with her,” Rainbow continued. “It’s, like, a royal order. I’m supposed to be out of this town in eight months as soon as I win the Young Flyers competition and get poached by the Wonderbolts. How’s that going to work now if I’ve got Twilight Sparkle holding me back?” Her wings twitched again, as if she was mere moments from flying away never to return.
Applejack glanced out of the window. The branches of Ponyville library were just visible over the thatched roofs. “Ah can’t say. But it's a while before it's going to matter. That Twi’ seemed like a sweet girl, if a little lacking in graces, why not give us all a chance before flying away?”
Rainbow followed her gaze, rolled her eyes and let out a deep sigh.
“Fine. But no more hero stuff till I’m famous.”
“Shucks, Rainbow Dash, you look worse than Fluttershy. Are you okay?” Applejack said, unhelpfully, as she opened Fluttershy’s front door. Much to Rainbow Dash’s annoyance the farm-mare seemed bright and perky, despite the fact she’d been up just as late.
“What are you doing here?” Rainbow snapped, ignoring the question. “Where’s Fluttershy?”
Applejack just rolled her eyes. “Inside, sugarcube. Ah thought she could do with a friendly face after the whole caboodle last night.”
Rainbow Dash’s scowl deepened, and she stopped herself pointing out that Fluttershy was supposed to be her best friend not Applejack’s. Instead, she pushed her way past the farmpony and called out. “Hey Fluttershy, I wanted to– jeeze!”
One could generally tell how stressed Fluttershy was by the number of animals she had within hooves reach. When relaxed she made do with Angel, when stressed... Rainbow shook her head and sighed as she saw the dozens of furry creatures piled around her.
“Good day?”
Fluttershy blushed. “I... I may have had a teensy nightmare—” She shuddered at the word. “—But I’m okay. Are you?”
“Why do ponies keep asking that!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, throwing up her hooves. “I’m fine. Everypony’s fine. The stupid friendship laser fixed everything and I’m fine. Fine!”
She almost punched Applejack when the mare put a hoof on her shoulders but she held herself back trembling with adrenaline.
“Sugarcube, you don’t look like you’ve slept a wink and are jumpier than Pinkie Pie on a sugar rush. Why don’t you tell us what’s bothering you?”
“What’s bothering me?” Rainbow shot her an incredulous look. “We saved the world last night! Like, from an evil alicorn, with ancient artefacts and the magic of friendship and everything! Does that seem like something that normally happens?”
Applejack rolled her eyes. “You seemed okay at the time.”
“Duh, I’m awesome,” Rainbow Dash shot back. “And I’d never leave a pony hanging, especially not the Princess. A Princess... Whatever. But now we’re the bearers of the Elements of Harmony or something? Or fated friends? Or, or, or something stupid to do with prophesies! What does that even mean?” She shook her head, twitching with nervous energy.
Silently, Fluttershy disentangled herself from her animal pile, walked over to Rainbow and pulled her friend into a hug. Rainbow Dash made no move to stop her.
“It's okay, I’m scared too.”
Rainbow Dash huffed. “I’m not scared.” She ignored Applejack rolling her eyes at her. “But we all almost died, like, three times last night. Usually the only pony’s life I risk is my own.”
Fluttershy squeezed tighter, but seemed content just to hug. Sighing, Applejack took off her hat. “Well, ah can’t confess it was a pleasant night but it's over. And hey, we’re all friends now.”
“Really? because I remember us being friendly work colleagues than actual friends.”
Applejack shot her a flat look. “Ah think saving the world makes friends with anypony.”
“Eh, probably.”
“Anyway,” Applejack continued, testily. “There’s no use fretting. Yes we all did something special and, okay, Ah’m personally sick of being told I’m a hero.”
A grumble escaped Rainbow. “Right. Everypony in town tried to shake my hoof on the way here today. Half of them don’t even know what we did! Urgh, I was supposed to be famous as a Wonderbolt not for being friends with Twilight Sparkle.”
“I’ve already had a dozen ponies visit,” Fluttershy mumbled, shuddering.
“And now we’re supposed to stay friends with her,” Rainbow continued. “It’s, like, a royal order. I’m supposed to be out of this town in eight months as soon as I win the Young Flyers competition and get poached by the Wonderbolts. How’s that going to work now if I’ve got Twilight Sparkle holding me back?” Her wings twitched again, as if she was mere moments from flying away never to return.
Applejack glanced out of the window. The branches of Ponyville library were just visible over the thatched roofs. “Ah can’t say. But it's a while before it's going to matter. That Twi’ seemed like a sweet girl, if a little lacking in graces, why not give us all a chance before flying away?”
Rainbow followed her gaze, rolled her eyes and let out a deep sigh.
“Fine. But no more hero stuff till I’m famous.”
Interesting, I like it.
Seeing that some of the mane six didn't instantly celebrate their new friendship with Twilight Sparkle is an intriguing concept and one you managed to keep consistent, especially by choosing Rainbow Dash to carry that weight. It is very in-character for her in my opinion and moreover, the last sentences reconnect your story to the fact that Rainbow Dash did stay in Ponyville and did become best friend with Twilight.
A bit of jealousy which fit perfectly for the begining of their friendship.
So, a very strong story with a solid writing and great voices. If it doesn't end up as a top contender, it will surely be a very hugh mid-tier.
Seeing that some of the mane six didn't instantly celebrate their new friendship with Twilight Sparkle is an intriguing concept and one you managed to keep consistent, especially by choosing Rainbow Dash to carry that weight. It is very in-character for her in my opinion and moreover, the last sentences reconnect your story to the fact that Rainbow Dash did stay in Ponyville and did become best friend with Twilight.
Rainbow Dash’s scowl deepened, and she stopped herself pointing out that Fluttershy was supposed to be her best friend not Applejack’s.
A bit of jealousy which fit perfectly for the begining of their friendship.
So, a very strong story with a solid writing and great voices. If it doesn't end up as a top contender, it will surely be a very hugh mid-tier.
I enjoy stories that explore the hesitance and the anxiety, the sometimes broken/sometimes perfect dynamic, and the other inconsistencies that exist between groups of newly formed friends. It can make those friendships feel so much real and alive than when depicted enjoying only positive experiences. And the conclusion of the opening episodes of the show are ripe for this type of exploration and expansion.
Rainbow Dash is far and away my least favourite character among the mane six, and I think it's testament to the quality of this fic that I actually found her to be quite relatable here. Slight exaggeration of some of her more negative characteristics in quite visible self defence is a great way of achieving that likeability, and you execute that well.
Characterisation in general seems pretty spot on here. These:
I particularly enjoyed.
I didn't think the closing line, whilst keeping in character (and, one could argue, the prompt) was overly satisfying to me, but this was a very strong entry regardless. Thanks for sharing your work.
Rainbow Dash is far and away my least favourite character among the mane six, and I think it's testament to the quality of this fic that I actually found her to be quite relatable here. Slight exaggeration of some of her more negative characteristics in quite visible self defence is a great way of achieving that likeability, and you execute that well.
Characterisation in general seems pretty spot on here. These:
One could generally tell how stressed Fluttershy was by the number of animals she had within hooves reach. When relaxed she made do with Angel, when stressed...
“I’m fine. Everypony’s fine. The stupid friendship laser fixed everything and I’m fine. Fine!”
I particularly enjoyed.
I didn't think the closing line, whilst keeping in character (and, one could argue, the prompt) was overly satisfying to me, but this was a very strong entry regardless. Thanks for sharing your work.
I love the premise, and the future reactions implied by the conclusion. The characters' stress reactions and attempts to adjust seem spot-on.
Why is staying friends with Twilight Sparkle a royal order? Am I just not remembering that part of the episode, or is it something separate that's supposed to have happened off-camera, or are they just making assumptions?
Several distracting textual errors (the missing comma in "her best friend not Applejack’s" was a minor stumbling point; "within hooves reach" is missing an apostrophe; some others).
The last line is what really ties it to the prompt, but it's somewhat lacking in punch. Maybe moving that earlier would work better? And maybe expanding on it, but you're right at the word count limit. I feel like for the round proper, cutting something else to give that more oomph would have been a big improvement. If the story gets redone in a slightly longer form, then there might be no need for the cutting part.
Why is staying friends with Twilight Sparkle a royal order? Am I just not remembering that part of the episode, or is it something separate that's supposed to have happened off-camera, or are they just making assumptions?
Several distracting textual errors (the missing comma in "her best friend not Applejack’s" was a minor stumbling point; "within hooves reach" is missing an apostrophe; some others).
The last line is what really ties it to the prompt, but it's somewhat lacking in punch. Maybe moving that earlier would work better? And maybe expanding on it, but you're right at the word count limit. I feel like for the round proper, cutting something else to give that more oomph would have been a big improvement. If the story gets redone in a slightly longer form, then there might be no need for the cutting part.
The punctuation could use a little fixing, but overall this is an enjoyable story. An interesting look at what would it truly feel like to be abruptly cast into the role of a hero and a protagonist of a slice-of-life show for someone who really has had other plans for their life, and isn't about to get into some wacky shenanigans.
Haha, that's a good paragraph; and I agree with >>Ceffyl_Dwr about the Fluttershy bit, too, which was funny and sweet.
Rainbow Dash hated introspection. It was like a tornado, all crosswinds and updrafts that took perfectly normal, happy thoughts and tried to dash them to smithereens. Not to mention that they both made it impossible to sleep.
Haha, that's a good paragraph; and I agree with >>Ceffyl_Dwr about the Fluttershy bit, too, which was funny and sweet.
There's so much I enjoy here. Fluttershy is adorable. Rainbow's jealousy is cute. Applejack's interactions between the two connects it all into an interesting dynamic. (by process of elimination, I assume Pinkie and Rarity see nothing wrong with their newfound attention) This is the kind of characterization that hooks me and makes me want to keep reading, no matter how long the rest of the story!
But I was still a little let down at the end. It's almost a complete story, but didn't quite seal the deal. It's like, here's an explanation for what's going on behind the scenes. That's all, not much changed or progressed. Doesn't need to be a big epic change of course, just enough for a scene of this length to feel weighty. That this meeting together accomplished something for the trio, not merely an excuse for them to express out loud how they feel. They were probably gonna wait it out and tolerate this new Twilight girl anyway. For example: Rainbow vents her frustration, but it doesn't feel like her opinion was changed, or she was talked out of doing something rash. Something like that is what I want to see.
But I was still a little let down at the end. It's almost a complete story, but didn't quite seal the deal. It's like, here's an explanation for what's going on behind the scenes. That's all, not much changed or progressed. Doesn't need to be a big epic change of course, just enough for a scene of this length to feel weighty. That this meeting together accomplished something for the trio, not merely an excuse for them to express out loud how they feel. They were probably gonna wait it out and tolerate this new Twilight girl anyway. For example: Rainbow vents her frustration, but it doesn't feel like her opinion was changed, or she was talked out of doing something rash. Something like that is what I want to see.
Some awkward phrases here and there, but not too distracting. Overall though, it feels a bit flat too me. Dash just rants, and the others state the obvious responses and platitudes. It's not that any of it is really in error, it just feels like it's reaching for more emotion than it actually connects with, at least for me. Part of that may be this all seems to take place within a day of saving Luna, and so all these concerns and implications shouldn't be nearly so well thought out yet.
What's this? Could it be?! The elusive non-Twilight Mane Five?!?! It IS!
Nice solid character piece here. It has a structure and progression, fits mini length very well, easily distinguished characters with unique voices and personalities, all that good stuff. I can tell right away this is going to be high on my slate. Some flaws, though.
I didn't see much of a connection to the prompt, personally. Other comments say that the ending line linked them in to it. To me, "bear with it and see what happens" is very much not the same thing as "ignore it and it will go away," nothing's getting ignored or going away in this scenario, but ehn, I guess it's at least in a similar ballpark.
Lots of typographical errors. They get in my grill. Practice constant revision and fixing them as you go, instead of doing a single/low number of passes after you finish.
Dash... Dash is an issue. This read like a Dash Bash to me initially, and while I don't think it falls squarely into that zone, it does take her out of character in one very significant way: Dash is the element of Loyalty. That's supposed to be her #1 defining character trait, but her attitude in this piece is anything but loyal. I'm also not completely sold on the premise: why does she think being a popular legendary friendship laser hero is somehow less awesome than just being a Wonderbolt?
Anyway, not bad at all. Thanks for writing!
Nice solid character piece here. It has a structure and progression, fits mini length very well, easily distinguished characters with unique voices and personalities, all that good stuff. I can tell right away this is going to be high on my slate. Some flaws, though.
I didn't see much of a connection to the prompt, personally. Other comments say that the ending line linked them in to it. To me, "bear with it and see what happens" is very much not the same thing as "ignore it and it will go away," nothing's getting ignored or going away in this scenario, but ehn, I guess it's at least in a similar ballpark.
Lots of typographical errors. They get in my grill. Practice constant revision and fixing them as you go, instead of doing a single/low number of passes after you finish.
Dash... Dash is an issue. This read like a Dash Bash to me initially, and while I don't think it falls squarely into that zone, it does take her out of character in one very significant way: Dash is the element of Loyalty. That's supposed to be her #1 defining character trait, but her attitude in this piece is anything but loyal. I'm also not completely sold on the premise: why does she think being a popular legendary friendship laser hero is somehow less awesome than just being a Wonderbolt?
Anyway, not bad at all. Thanks for writing!
I thought this piece was well-written, and thought characterization and atmosphere were really good. I enjoyed it myself, and I can see why it made it into the finals.
You know, considering that Rainbow is the Element of Loyalty, she may be acting this way because she's afraid of becoming too attached to Ponyville. She wants to be a Wonderbolt, but she knows herself well enough to understand that if she makes too many connections she may not want to leave, and then where will her life-long dream be? After all, the whole 'saving the world thing' is only going to be a one-off, isn't it? >:)
If you expand this, you also definitely have to bring in Rarity and Pinkie Pie's opinions on the matter as well.
Thanks for sharing!
You know, considering that Rainbow is the Element of Loyalty, she may be acting this way because she's afraid of becoming too attached to Ponyville. She wants to be a Wonderbolt, but she knows herself well enough to understand that if she makes too many connections she may not want to leave, and then where will her life-long dream be? After all, the whole 'saving the world thing' is only going to be a one-off, isn't it? >:)
If you expand this, you also definitely have to bring in Rarity and Pinkie Pie's opinions on the matter as well.
Thanks for sharing!
You need to contextualize at the beginning of a story. :p It is almost half the story (320 words) before I realize when this is actually taking place, which actually changes the way those first line reads because my assumptions about the relationships of the characters are all wrong. You've got to avoid that!
No big comments besides that.
No big comments besides that.