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Midnight Palaver
Sunset Shimmer galloped madly.
She galloped flat out along the castle corridors under the puzzled look of the guards, until she skidded to a halt in front of a massive door, adorned with two huge golden sun symbols.
She knocked and waited, panting.
There was no answer.
She knocked again, louder this time. “Please! Please respond!” she murmured to herself.
“Hold on!” Celestia’s muffled voice shouted from inside.
“Please your Highness!” Sunset squealed. “Let me in. It’s urgent.”
A moment later, the lock clicked and the door cracked open. “Come in,” Celestia said with a tinge of resignation in her voice. Or was it exasperation?
Sunset pushed the door more open and entered. She closed it behind her. Something unusual caught her attention. She squinted her eyes and sniffed discreetly. What is that scent… Musk? But musk isn’t used in mares’ perfumes. Could it be that—
“What is it?” Celestia growled. “Why do you disturb me at such an hour of the night? It’d better be for a good reason.”
Sunset focussed back and took the room in. Celestia sat on the bed and looked sternly at her. The sheets were strangely tangled, as if they had been hastily spread over the mattress. The rest of the room was as neat as ever, though.
“It’s Luna,” Sunset explained. “She… she behaves really weird. I’m concerned. I think you should act quickly or something bad’s going to happen.”
Celestia sighed and her face relented. “What’s the matter?” she asked in a more mellow tone.
“I couldn’t sleep and kept thinking about that botched experiment of yesterday, so I got up and decided to fetch a book in the library. And there she was, studying in a nook, her shape almost lost to darkness. I came closer to her, and when she realised I was here she slammed the book she was reading closed and put it into the drawer to hide it from me. But I had the time to catch sight of it and it was…” She shuddered.
“What was that book?” Celestia asked.
“It was… it was, you know, that one book you’ve prohibited me to look at or even name.”
“Sombra’s dark magic compendium?”
“Yes,” Sunset said. “I tried to be friendly and asked how she felt. And do you know what she answered?”
“Go ahead.”
“She said: ‘If you continue to pry into my personal affairs, I shall certainly break your neck!’ Verbatim.”
Celestia stood up and walked to Sunset. “Look,” she said, “I know her behaviour has been odd lately. It happened several times in the past. Some sort of recurrent burnout.”
“Burnout?”
“Yes. It’s not easy to be the princess of the night. Rising and lowering the moon. Watching over everypony’s dreams. Chasing nightmares. Gruelling tasks, big responsibilities, little reward. Sometimes she breaks down. That’s normal, and it never lasts long. Sunset, I appreciate your concern, but I assure you it’s nothing. I can take care of it. Forget about that incident, and I promise you she’ll be herself again in no time. Okay?”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m her sister, Sunset. Trust me. Now please,” Celestia’s horn flashed and the door hinged open, “would you mind letting me sleep? I really need it. Badly.”
Sunset shuffled to the door and through it. She turned. “I apologise for disturbing you that late, your Highness—”
“Celestia.”
“You know I can’t call you that way, no matter how hard I try. Anyway, I was alarmed and—”
“Take it easy and go to bed,” Celestia cut in. “We both need solid sleep. Good night.”
“Good night!” Sunset replied. She turned left and trotted off.
Celestia stood still in her room, listening to the echoes of Sunset’s hooves. When they died away at last, she exited in turn and took the opposite direction.
Along deserted corridors she strode, where in eerie silence the flickering light of torches fought to dispel the smothering darkness, down several flights of seemingly endless marmoreal stairs and past colossal gates of diamond and steel, until she arrived in front of a grating which barred the entrance to a tenebrous vault.
She brushed invisible runes set in the wall, and the grating slid aside. Lighting her horn, she proceeded to a round table sitting at the centre of the room, on which a mahogany box lay.
She opened it and gazed thoughtfully inside at the six jewels whose facets glittered in the glow of her horn.
She would need them. Any time now.
She galloped flat out along the castle corridors under the puzzled look of the guards, until she skidded to a halt in front of a massive door, adorned with two huge golden sun symbols.
She knocked and waited, panting.
There was no answer.
She knocked again, louder this time. “Please! Please respond!” she murmured to herself.
“Hold on!” Celestia’s muffled voice shouted from inside.
“Please your Highness!” Sunset squealed. “Let me in. It’s urgent.”
A moment later, the lock clicked and the door cracked open. “Come in,” Celestia said with a tinge of resignation in her voice. Or was it exasperation?
Sunset pushed the door more open and entered. She closed it behind her. Something unusual caught her attention. She squinted her eyes and sniffed discreetly. What is that scent… Musk? But musk isn’t used in mares’ perfumes. Could it be that—
“What is it?” Celestia growled. “Why do you disturb me at such an hour of the night? It’d better be for a good reason.”
Sunset focussed back and took the room in. Celestia sat on the bed and looked sternly at her. The sheets were strangely tangled, as if they had been hastily spread over the mattress. The rest of the room was as neat as ever, though.
“It’s Luna,” Sunset explained. “She… she behaves really weird. I’m concerned. I think you should act quickly or something bad’s going to happen.”
Celestia sighed and her face relented. “What’s the matter?” she asked in a more mellow tone.
“I couldn’t sleep and kept thinking about that botched experiment of yesterday, so I got up and decided to fetch a book in the library. And there she was, studying in a nook, her shape almost lost to darkness. I came closer to her, and when she realised I was here she slammed the book she was reading closed and put it into the drawer to hide it from me. But I had the time to catch sight of it and it was…” She shuddered.
“What was that book?” Celestia asked.
“It was… it was, you know, that one book you’ve prohibited me to look at or even name.”
“Sombra’s dark magic compendium?”
“Yes,” Sunset said. “I tried to be friendly and asked how she felt. And do you know what she answered?”
“Go ahead.”
“She said: ‘If you continue to pry into my personal affairs, I shall certainly break your neck!’ Verbatim.”
Celestia stood up and walked to Sunset. “Look,” she said, “I know her behaviour has been odd lately. It happened several times in the past. Some sort of recurrent burnout.”
“Burnout?”
“Yes. It’s not easy to be the princess of the night. Rising and lowering the moon. Watching over everypony’s dreams. Chasing nightmares. Gruelling tasks, big responsibilities, little reward. Sometimes she breaks down. That’s normal, and it never lasts long. Sunset, I appreciate your concern, but I assure you it’s nothing. I can take care of it. Forget about that incident, and I promise you she’ll be herself again in no time. Okay?”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m her sister, Sunset. Trust me. Now please,” Celestia’s horn flashed and the door hinged open, “would you mind letting me sleep? I really need it. Badly.”
Sunset shuffled to the door and through it. She turned. “I apologise for disturbing you that late, your Highness—”
“Celestia.”
“You know I can’t call you that way, no matter how hard I try. Anyway, I was alarmed and—”
“Take it easy and go to bed,” Celestia cut in. “We both need solid sleep. Good night.”
“Good night!” Sunset replied. She turned left and trotted off.
Celestia stood still in her room, listening to the echoes of Sunset’s hooves. When they died away at last, she exited in turn and took the opposite direction.
Along deserted corridors she strode, where in eerie silence the flickering light of torches fought to dispel the smothering darkness, down several flights of seemingly endless marmoreal stairs and past colossal gates of diamond and steel, until she arrived in front of a grating which barred the entrance to a tenebrous vault.
She brushed invisible runes set in the wall, and the grating slid aside. Lighting her horn, she proceeded to a round table sitting at the centre of the room, on which a mahogany box lay.
She opened it and gazed thoughtfully inside at the six jewels whose facets glittered in the glow of her horn.
She would need them. Any time now.
First thing that stood out is that I'm unclear where this lays on the (space)time line. So it's an alternate universe, but... a thousand years in the past? Or a second fall? It's a bit confusing, as otherwise it feels just like a retelling of the fall we already know about.
Second thing that stands out is the ten dollar words. "Palaver" in the title is... okay. But then we have "marmoreal" and "tenebrous" in the same sentence even. I mean, I'm as loquacious as the next fellow, and appreciate a sesquipedalian word here and there, but it throws the tone a bit for me in this story. I think it's because the dialog itself is so simplistic. If it was full of middle english thees and thous, it'd be one thing. But they use words like "burnout" and simply "something bad's going to happen."
The final thing is that we're left with a bit of unrewarded foreshadowing. Lots of hints are given that Celestia is with some stallion, but that's a Chekhov's gun that never fires. It has nothing to do with the rest of the story, unless I'm really missing something. (She's not sleeping with Sombra, right?)
So, overall, no complaints on the prose itself, but I'm left unsure what the "story" is here, beyond the surface level retelling of the original fall of Luna.
Second thing that stands out is the ten dollar words. "Palaver" in the title is... okay. But then we have "marmoreal" and "tenebrous" in the same sentence even. I mean, I'm as loquacious as the next fellow, and appreciate a sesquipedalian word here and there, but it throws the tone a bit for me in this story. I think it's because the dialog itself is so simplistic. If it was full of middle english thees and thous, it'd be one thing. But they use words like "burnout" and simply "something bad's going to happen."
The final thing is that we're left with a bit of unrewarded foreshadowing. Lots of hints are given that Celestia is with some stallion, but that's a Chekhov's gun that never fires. It has nothing to do with the rest of the story, unless I'm really missing something. (She's not sleeping with Sombra, right?)
So, overall, no complaints on the prose itself, but I'm left unsure what the "story" is here, beyond the surface level retelling of the original fall of Luna.
There's a potentially potent theme underlying this story, but as with Xepher, I was confused by some of the cues in this story. The hints that Celestia was caught in a compromising situation completely color the first scene, but that doesn't end up tying into anything.
In a way, this may be more realistic to have something unrelated in the mix, but as a reader it's unusual, and in a writeoff, you have so few words that it's dangerous to spend any on things that don't advance the plot. if the threads had tied back together, such that Celestia's bedroom actions were relevant to Luna's situation, then there would have been more narrative payoff.
Other than that, the story was decent; voicing, characterization and dialog didn't raise any flags. The plot just threw me a curveball.
In a way, this may be more realistic to have something unrelated in the mix, but as a reader it's unusual, and in a writeoff, you have so few words that it's dangerous to spend any on things that don't advance the plot. if the threads had tied back together, such that Celestia's bedroom actions were relevant to Luna's situation, then there would have been more narrative payoff.
Other than that, the story was decent; voicing, characterization and dialog didn't raise any flags. The plot just threw me a curveball.
Hmmmm. The base premise is well-trodden, but can be done well. I like the rhythm of the text.
Plot structure: where was that early scene supposed to go? Whatever Celestia was doing in there, there's no sign of it after. The rest of it is sane but maybe overstretched.
The dialogue is pretty unnatural, and the text in general is all over the map in tone. (Never mind that me-in-real-life does this sort of thing sometimes; fiction has to make more sense than reality…) "she behaves really weird" + "something bad's going to happen" and then, well, "nobody" (who sounds realistic) who's alarmed says things like "her shape almost lost to darkness" while they're describing the cause of their alarm. "I shall certainly break your neck" is very strong words even for Nightmare Moon, though maybe not out of range depending on how far one slides relative to canon.
"marmoreal stairs"? I taught I taw a Latinate etymological bias! And "tenebrous"? If this means what I think it does, allow me to engage in my best evil laughter now: a-hahahahahaha! *lightning strikes* but more seriously, they don't fit the tone of the surroundings very well.
The timeline is interesting here; I don't remember whether there's a good way for Sombra's dark magic book to be there at that time or not, assuming this is right before Luna's banishment.
Ahem. Sorry about that. Some marble-polishing at the micro-level and some plot straightening at the macro-level would do this a lot of good, though I suspect it may also need either somewhere else to go with this plot or a more immersive description of what's going on. Otherwise it may just be too plain after that.
Plot structure: where was that early scene supposed to go? Whatever Celestia was doing in there, there's no sign of it after. The rest of it is sane but maybe overstretched.
The dialogue is pretty unnatural, and the text in general is all over the map in tone. (Never mind that me-in-real-life does this sort of thing sometimes; fiction has to make more sense than reality…) "she behaves really weird" + "something bad's going to happen" and then, well, "nobody" (who sounds realistic) who's alarmed says things like "her shape almost lost to darkness" while they're describing the cause of their alarm. "I shall certainly break your neck" is very strong words even for Nightmare Moon, though maybe not out of range depending on how far one slides relative to canon.
"marmoreal stairs"? I taught I taw a Latinate etymological bias! And "tenebrous"? If this means what I think it does, allow me to engage in my best evil laughter now: a-hahahahahaha! *lightning strikes* but more seriously, they don't fit the tone of the surroundings very well.
The timeline is interesting here; I don't remember whether there's a good way for Sombra's dark magic book to be there at that time or not, assuming this is right before Luna's banishment.
Ahem. Sorry about that. Some marble-polishing at the micro-level and some plot straightening at the macro-level would do this a lot of good, though I suspect it may also need either somewhere else to go with this plot or a more immersive description of what's going on. Otherwise it may just be too plain after that.
I'm largely in agreement with the comments already made, which will probably make this a dull read. The cue regarding Celestia and her (potentially) compromising situation gave the piece a different tone entirely (at least, to me), and I personally struggled to realign myself with what was ultimately a more serious piece.
I also had a sense that Celestia's rebuffing of Sunset's concerns was going to link strongly into the prompt; namely that she was ignoring the facts about her sister in the hope that everything would resolve itself fine. But then the ending suggests that wasn't quite the case, and so I don't know what exactly I'm taking from the story. Which is a shame, as it's a technically solid and well executed piece, but which is apparently just a literary retelling of Luna's fall in an AU bookcover. I haven't got a problem with that in the slightest on its own merits, but within the confines of this round I was left feeling a little lost.
Thanks for sharing your work.
I also had a sense that Celestia's rebuffing of Sunset's concerns was going to link strongly into the prompt; namely that she was ignoring the facts about her sister in the hope that everything would resolve itself fine. But then the ending suggests that wasn't quite the case, and so I don't know what exactly I'm taking from the story. Which is a shame, as it's a technically solid and well executed piece, but which is apparently just a literary retelling of Luna's fall in an AU bookcover. I haven't got a problem with that in the slightest on its own merits, but within the confines of this round I was left feeling a little lost.
Thanks for sharing your work.
I see the title and all I can think of is Carabas' Moonlight Palaver. Curious that the story is nothing like it.
I'm not going to repeat what everyone has already said. I'll just limit this to noting that this story is confusing in a wide range of ways and seems to be struggling with its messages. I mostly came away with a 'meh' feeling, I'm sorry to say.
I'm not going to repeat what everyone has already said. I'll just limit this to noting that this story is confusing in a wide range of ways and seems to be struggling with its messages. I mostly came away with a 'meh' feeling, I'm sorry to say.
Along deserted corridors she strode, where in eerie silence the flickering light of torches fought to dispel the smothering darkness, down several flights of seemingly endless marmoreal stairs and past colossal gates of diamond and steel, until she arrived in front of a grating which barred the entrance to a tenebrous vault.
This sentence, with all its elaborate vocabulary, feels unfitting and incongruous in an otherwise normally-written story.
Anyway, my impression is... sorta meh. I feel the story doesn't really develop in an interesting enough direction; the entire bit about the musk and the bedsheets sounded like it had promise, but then got apparently forgotten by the time of the ending.
So, Sunset Shimmer is actually from over a thousand years in the past, but travelling to the world of Equestria Girls thrust her into what we know as the present, just like it did with the Dazzlings.
Okay, cool.
As others have mentioned, the fact that whatever Princess Celestia was up to before Sunset's arrival is never revisited is a glaring issue, but other than that, I found this to be quite enjoyable. Unless there's some significance that we're missing or has simply been misplaced, I'd suggesting doing away with that part entirely and focusing on the story presented here. I'd definitely find it to be a worthwhile read.
Okay, cool.
As others have mentioned, the fact that whatever Princess Celestia was up to before Sunset's arrival is never revisited is a glaring issue, but other than that, I found this to be quite enjoyable. Unless there's some significance that we're missing or has simply been misplaced, I'd suggesting doing away with that part entirely and focusing on the story presented here. I'd definitely find it to be a worthwhile read.