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Flight Camp
Recesses were the worst part in Fluttershy’s school agenda.
While all her classmates played ball games, frisbee or organised races in the quad, all she could do was squat alone in a corner and watch the others have fun. Sometimes, she would bury her head into her hooves and wait for the minutes to go by, trying hard to tune out the laughters that filled the air. Sometimes, when it stung harder, she would softly cry to herself, and hide her tears from everypony else.
Despite living in Cloudsdale, she was sort of perpetually grounded.
But the worst of the worst was Bumble Bee, the brawny colt who kept poking fun at her with his “Fluttershy, Fluttershy, Fluttershy can barely fly!”
“You must be stronger than him,” Mum said. “The more he sees you’re vulnerable, the more he will pick on you.”
“But Mum—”
“Yes, dearie, I know it’s difficult. But you’ll grow too, and become a wonderful flyer like your Dad is. There’s no doubt about it. It just takes more time, that’s all.”
“But Mum,” Fluttershy insisted, “why does he do this to me?”
“He’s jealous, Flutty. Jealous because you outclass him in school. Jealous because all your teachers are so fond of you.”
Mum came to her and hug her tight, so tight she could feel her heart beating.
“You’re jealous,” Fluttershy spat back. “That’s why you keep bullying me. Mum said.”
“Jealous of you?” Bumble Bee giggled. “And why should I be jealous of a crip?”
“Because I’ve got better grades and I’m smarter than you.”
“Know what? I don’t give a hoot about your grades. You’ll become an egghead and you’ll be locked away in a laboratory all your life and nopony will ever know you, while I will become a Wonderbolt –” he flexed his wings – “and everypony will know me and admire me!” He took off. “Good bye, landlubber egghead! Try to catch me if you’re not a chicken!”
Helpless, Fluttershy watched him hedge-hop away.
“Why can’t I become a Wonderbolt, too?” Fluttershy asked, her muzzle deep into her plate.
“It’s really hard to become a Wonderbolt,” Dad answered. “It takes time and dedication. You must be a real good flyer at start, and it’s a hard life of constant training and duty. I doubt your friend will ever become one.”
“He’s not my friend!” Fluttershy protested.
”I’m sorry, dearie,” Dad apologised, and he turned his attention back to his food.
”I WANT TO BE A WONDERBOLT TOO!” Fluttershy exploded. She threw her spoon and rushed to her room. She locked her door, buried herself in her bed and cried until her tears were spent, ignoring the stupid soothing words her parents whispered from behind the door.
Mum and Dad met with the headmistress. They discussed for a long time. There was little the teachers could do: while Bumble Bee wasn’t an outstanding pupil, he wasn’t a rascal either. Besides, his family was influent in Cloudsdale, and the headmistress seemed reluctant to take any measure that could backfire and jeopardise her school. In the end, it was decided that Fluttershy would remain home and be taught outside normal class hours. She was bright enough, learnt very quickly, she wouldn’t be penalised.
So for the rest of the school term Fluttershy stayed home, doing homework and taking care of her birds during the day, and working with the teacher every afternoon from five to seven.
Then summer vacation came.
”You’ll have to go to flight camp,” Mum said earnestly. “You can’t stay locked inside forever. You must go out, exercise yourself and…” She hesitated. “Make friends?”
“But Mum, I never make friends. Nopony wants to be my friend.”
“Maybe that will change, dearie. Maybe that’s just because you haven’t met the right ponies yet?”
”I think I’ll never have friends except my birds,” Fluttershy answered.
“Will you go anyway? If only to try? I promise if anything goes wrong I’ll take you back here. Deal?” Mum smiled.
Fluttershy sighed. “Deal,” she said halfheartedly.
The crocodile was progressing through Cloudsdale. Fluttershy, head lowered, was blindly following the colt ahead of her.
“Hey!”
Fluttershy didn’t react.
“Hey!” Somepony poked her barrel. She raised her head and looked around. The filly at her side was beaming. She was small, with a blue coat and a multicoloured mane. “I’m Rainbow Dash,” she said. “The best flyer ever!”
“Hum, I’m… Fluttershy,” Fluttershy answered, blushing.
“Awesome! I’m sure we’ll have a lot of fun together!”
While all her classmates played ball games, frisbee or organised races in the quad, all she could do was squat alone in a corner and watch the others have fun. Sometimes, she would bury her head into her hooves and wait for the minutes to go by, trying hard to tune out the laughters that filled the air. Sometimes, when it stung harder, she would softly cry to herself, and hide her tears from everypony else.
Despite living in Cloudsdale, she was sort of perpetually grounded.
But the worst of the worst was Bumble Bee, the brawny colt who kept poking fun at her with his “Fluttershy, Fluttershy, Fluttershy can barely fly!”
“You must be stronger than him,” Mum said. “The more he sees you’re vulnerable, the more he will pick on you.”
“But Mum—”
“Yes, dearie, I know it’s difficult. But you’ll grow too, and become a wonderful flyer like your Dad is. There’s no doubt about it. It just takes more time, that’s all.”
“But Mum,” Fluttershy insisted, “why does he do this to me?”
“He’s jealous, Flutty. Jealous because you outclass him in school. Jealous because all your teachers are so fond of you.”
Mum came to her and hug her tight, so tight she could feel her heart beating.
“You’re jealous,” Fluttershy spat back. “That’s why you keep bullying me. Mum said.”
“Jealous of you?” Bumble Bee giggled. “And why should I be jealous of a crip?”
“Because I’ve got better grades and I’m smarter than you.”
“Know what? I don’t give a hoot about your grades. You’ll become an egghead and you’ll be locked away in a laboratory all your life and nopony will ever know you, while I will become a Wonderbolt –” he flexed his wings – “and everypony will know me and admire me!” He took off. “Good bye, landlubber egghead! Try to catch me if you’re not a chicken!”
Helpless, Fluttershy watched him hedge-hop away.
“Why can’t I become a Wonderbolt, too?” Fluttershy asked, her muzzle deep into her plate.
“It’s really hard to become a Wonderbolt,” Dad answered. “It takes time and dedication. You must be a real good flyer at start, and it’s a hard life of constant training and duty. I doubt your friend will ever become one.”
“He’s not my friend!” Fluttershy protested.
”I’m sorry, dearie,” Dad apologised, and he turned his attention back to his food.
”I WANT TO BE A WONDERBOLT TOO!” Fluttershy exploded. She threw her spoon and rushed to her room. She locked her door, buried herself in her bed and cried until her tears were spent, ignoring the stupid soothing words her parents whispered from behind the door.
Mum and Dad met with the headmistress. They discussed for a long time. There was little the teachers could do: while Bumble Bee wasn’t an outstanding pupil, he wasn’t a rascal either. Besides, his family was influent in Cloudsdale, and the headmistress seemed reluctant to take any measure that could backfire and jeopardise her school. In the end, it was decided that Fluttershy would remain home and be taught outside normal class hours. She was bright enough, learnt very quickly, she wouldn’t be penalised.
So for the rest of the school term Fluttershy stayed home, doing homework and taking care of her birds during the day, and working with the teacher every afternoon from five to seven.
Then summer vacation came.
”You’ll have to go to flight camp,” Mum said earnestly. “You can’t stay locked inside forever. You must go out, exercise yourself and…” She hesitated. “Make friends?”
“But Mum, I never make friends. Nopony wants to be my friend.”
“Maybe that will change, dearie. Maybe that’s just because you haven’t met the right ponies yet?”
”I think I’ll never have friends except my birds,” Fluttershy answered.
“Will you go anyway? If only to try? I promise if anything goes wrong I’ll take you back here. Deal?” Mum smiled.
Fluttershy sighed. “Deal,” she said halfheartedly.
The crocodile was progressing through Cloudsdale. Fluttershy, head lowered, was blindly following the colt ahead of her.
“Hey!”
Fluttershy didn’t react.
“Hey!” Somepony poked her barrel. She raised her head and looked around. The filly at her side was beaming. She was small, with a blue coat and a multicoloured mane. “I’m Rainbow Dash,” she said. “The best flyer ever!”
“Hum, I’m… Fluttershy,” Fluttershy answered, blushing.
“Awesome! I’m sure we’ll have a lot of fun together!”
It feels rushed—I see you're trying to have a smooth flow between Fluttershy's discussion with her parents and Bumble Bee's bullying, but every scene is far too short and doesn't have enough detail other than dialogue. We don't get any description the settings in which the dialogue takes place, and the exposition in her parents' meeting with the headmistress is just that.
In addition, the ending feels like it's cut off, and, with the story clocking in at 747 words, I can see why.
This leads me to think that the main problem is that this story is far too ambitious for this kind of round (750 words). I think 2000 words would fit this better, and it would give you more space to flesh things out.
In addition, the ending feels like it's cut off, and, with the story clocking in at 747 words, I can see why.
This leads me to think that the main problem is that this story is far too ambitious for this kind of round (750 words). I think 2000 words would fit this better, and it would give you more space to flesh things out.
I'm with >>Chryssi on this one. It seems you wanted to say too much things for a MiniFic. However, the main problem is the scenes switching. I'll try to explain what bothered me.
The first paragraphs give us context and I thought you were setting your scene in the school during a recess. But then, without any warning, you switch to a dialog between Fluttershy and her parents.
Okay, so the setting is in Fluttershy's house. But then, you switch back to a dialog between Fluttershy and Bumble Bee.
So we're back to school. But then, again, we go back to Fluttershy and her parents.
Why didn't you use something to show that the setting had changed? If you couldn't allow yourself to use words, try using some ***** next time because without any warning, I couldn't settle my mind with the setting and I just got confused.
Also,
That's really telly and doesn't seem necessary for your story to work. It also felt like a poor way to say there was no chance to arrange the situation.
And,
It seems that you didn't watch season six, episode 11. Her dad was working at the weather factory. Now I know that it doesn't prevent him from being a 'wonderful' flyer as you said but since both Fluttershy's parents looks as shy as their daughter, I can't really picture him as a 'wonderful' flyer. A decent one, maybe a good one but not a wonderful one.
That's nitpicking and, in fact, I could read a story which doesn't strictly follow the show, but these kind of stories need room, and they use it to detail how they differ from the show, something that you, and every other author for this round and every other MiniFic pony round, don't have.
I may have sounded harsh but I still want to offer some encouragements. Chryssi is right, rework it and with thousands words more, I'm pretty sure you will end with a great story. Your premise is good and interesting, it's up to you to make it shine.
The first paragraphs give us context and I thought you were setting your scene in the school during a recess. But then, without any warning, you switch to a dialog between Fluttershy and her parents.
But the worst of the worst was Bumble Bee, the brawny colt who kept poking fun at her with his “Fluttershy, Fluttershy, Fluttershy can barely fly!”
“You must be stronger than him,” Mum said. “The more he sees you’re vulnerable, the more he will pick on you.”
Okay, so the setting is in Fluttershy's house. But then, you switch back to a dialog between Fluttershy and Bumble Bee.
Mum came to her and hug her tight, so tight she could feel her heart beating.
“You’re jealous,” Fluttershy spat back. “That’s why you keep bullying me. Mum said.”
So we're back to school. But then, again, we go back to Fluttershy and her parents.
Helpless, Fluttershy watched him hedge-hop away.
“Why can’t I become a Wonderbolt, too?” Fluttershy asked, her muzzle deep into her plate.
Why didn't you use something to show that the setting had changed? If you couldn't allow yourself to use words, try using some ***** next time because without any warning, I couldn't settle my mind with the setting and I just got confused.
Also,
Besides, his family was influent in Cloudsdale, and the headmistress seemed reluctant to take any measure that could backfire and jeopardise her school.
That's really telly and doesn't seem necessary for your story to work. It also felt like a poor way to say there was no chance to arrange the situation.
And,
But you’ll grow too, and become a wonderful flyer like your Dad is.
It seems that you didn't watch season six, episode 11. Her dad was working at the weather factory. Now I know that it doesn't prevent him from being a 'wonderful' flyer as you said but since both Fluttershy's parents looks as shy as their daughter, I can't really picture him as a 'wonderful' flyer. A decent one, maybe a good one but not a wonderful one.
That's nitpicking and, in fact, I could read a story which doesn't strictly follow the show, but these kind of stories need room, and they use it to detail how they differ from the show, something that you, and every other author for this round and every other MiniFic pony round, don't have.
I may have sounded harsh but I still want to offer some encouragements. Chryssi is right, rework it and with thousands words more, I'm pretty sure you will end with a great story. Your premise is good and interesting, it's up to you to make it shine.
Hmmmm. It's kind of a jumble.
This needs more scene breaks. And rearrangement. The image doesn't come through that Bumble Bee isn't really there. If the paragraphs before the first bit of Fluttershy's mother's dialogue were italicized, that could make them read better as a flashback, maybe? Okay, and then it needs to alternate to match that through the rest of the first major section…
And the second major section is pretty cut off.
Bits that feel unnatural include: "Flutty" (really? That's far too close to some unfortunate English words); the all-caps in Fluttershy's dialogue; "exercise yourself"… what's "hedge-hop" mean, anyway? Oh, I see, that one's an actual aviation term! I had no idea, though; isn't that pretty uncommon? A story like this feels like it wants straightforward text.
It's a nice premise for a slice of life, but the execution needs to be way more organized.
This needs more scene breaks. And rearrangement. The image doesn't come through that Bumble Bee isn't really there. If the paragraphs before the first bit of Fluttershy's mother's dialogue were italicized, that could make them read better as a flashback, maybe? Okay, and then it needs to alternate to match that through the rest of the first major section…
And the second major section is pretty cut off.
Bits that feel unnatural include: "Flutty" (really? That's far too close to some unfortunate English words); the all-caps in Fluttershy's dialogue; "exercise yourself"… what's "hedge-hop" mean, anyway? Oh, I see, that one's an actual aviation term! I had no idea, though; isn't that pretty uncommon? A story like this feels like it wants straightforward text.
It's a nice premise for a slice of life, but the execution needs to be way more organized.
I read this, and then looked over the comments saying that there's too many scenes mashed together into one. and I thought, "oh, I guess that's true. I didn't notice it, it wasn't even on my mind..."
That "flaw" didn't bother me at all. I actually really enjoyed it! It may be 4 or 5 conversations melding into each other, and the transitions might be a little shaky, but it seemed like a stylistic choice to me. They flow together, less as a concrete series of events, but as a subjective blur within Fluttershy's heart. I didn't find it confusing, because one event logically lead to the next. it's also a good economical choice for fitting this much within the minific limits, without having to re-establish settings and details.
It's a common enough retelling of childhood bullying and isolation. Even while I knew the plot wasn't anything original, I was still strongly engaged because it was written in a style I hadn't seen before. I was immersed where everyone else (so far) wasn't. Maybe I'll be the only one, but this was my honest reaction.
the conclusion doesn't feel nearly as strong, and we all know what happens next in their story anyway, but I think it's the only part that suffers from fitting within the word limit. it's just fluffy and not much else, but not even enough room to be cute fluff. this may be an armchair-suggestion, but I think it would've been pretty interesting if Rainbow Dash introduced herself in much the same way as the bully talked -- boasting about becoming a Wonderbolt, dismissive of grades and eggheads -- only to make Fluttershy uncomfortable and defensive. the irony of an unfortunate first impression from the one pony who would stick up for her later, yeah?
some of the word selection sticks out a lot as unusual.... "influent" doesn't mean the same as "influential" (or is it "affluent"). "crocodile"?? that sure got my attention, but I think it was intended as something else, not a Godzilla attack on the city.
That "flaw" didn't bother me at all. I actually really enjoyed it! It may be 4 or 5 conversations melding into each other, and the transitions might be a little shaky, but it seemed like a stylistic choice to me. They flow together, less as a concrete series of events, but as a subjective blur within Fluttershy's heart. I didn't find it confusing, because one event logically lead to the next. it's also a good economical choice for fitting this much within the minific limits, without having to re-establish settings and details.
It's a common enough retelling of childhood bullying and isolation. Even while I knew the plot wasn't anything original, I was still strongly engaged because it was written in a style I hadn't seen before. I was immersed where everyone else (so far) wasn't. Maybe I'll be the only one, but this was my honest reaction.
the conclusion doesn't feel nearly as strong, and we all know what happens next in their story anyway, but I think it's the only part that suffers from fitting within the word limit. it's just fluffy and not much else, but not even enough room to be cute fluff. this may be an armchair-suggestion, but I think it would've been pretty interesting if Rainbow Dash introduced herself in much the same way as the bully talked -- boasting about becoming a Wonderbolt, dismissive of grades and eggheads -- only to make Fluttershy uncomfortable and defensive. the irony of an unfortunate first impression from the one pony who would stick up for her later, yeah?
some of the word selection sticks out a lot as unusual.... "influent" doesn't mean the same as "influential" (or is it "affluent"). "crocodile"?? that sure got my attention, but I think it was intended as something else, not a Godzilla attack on the city.
Hm. Whilst I think that the ambition of this story could be realised in minific form, I'm not quite convinced that it's there yet. Part of that problem, for me, is that the story appears to switch the source of conflict halfway through; for most of the fic it's about Fluttershy and the bully. Then it's about Fluttershy feeling as though she's never going to make any friends. It's only the latter part of the story that's resolved in the conclusion, and it does give the story an impression of being more tightly constrained than it needed to be. Perhaps just focusing on her inability to make friends or her overcoming the bully, would have helped focus and give the story a better sense of space.
Pretty cute premise, mind. I enjoyed Fluttershy's outburst; I thought that moment was actually quite powerful, and you have some nice observational lines. The rest of it didn't hit home on a consistent basis, and the conclusion somewhat abrupt, but I think there is a strong foundation in place. You just need to give it stronger focus.
Thanks for sharing your work.
Pretty cute premise, mind. I enjoyed Fluttershy's outburst; I thought that moment was actually quite powerful, and you have some nice observational lines. The rest of it didn't hit home on a consistent basis, and the conclusion somewhat abrupt, but I think there is a strong foundation in place. You just need to give it stronger focus.
Thanks for sharing your work.
Flutty? That sounds like a combination of Fatty (or Flatty) and Slutty. I think "Shy", or maybe "Flutter" (or even "Flutters") would be better. Or better yet, a pet name based on an animal.
You really need a section break before she spits back. I thought she was attacking her mother out of nowhere. I think I understand that you're going for abrupt transitions from lecture to experience and back again, but I feel it still needs the breaks.
Pulling Fluttershy away from other foals is a terrible idea. It teaches her to run from her problems rather than face them, and she won't develop her social skills. And all because one pony teases her lightly? It isn't a rational decision. I'm left bewildered and angry with her parents and teacher.
Is there some sort of cloud-crocodile, and the foals are fleeing it? I'm going to take a wild guess that crocodile is a euphamism for something, but I've never heard this in American English.
The ending of the story is too abrupt. If you want to introduce Dash, you need more than a hoofful of sentences to develop her character. It just seems random and forced. But they're fleeing a crocodile, so maybe it makes sense.
You really need a section break before she spits back. I thought she was attacking her mother out of nowhere. I think I understand that you're going for abrupt transitions from lecture to experience and back again, but I feel it still needs the breaks.
Pulling Fluttershy away from other foals is a terrible idea. It teaches her to run from her problems rather than face them, and she won't develop her social skills. And all because one pony teases her lightly? It isn't a rational decision. I'm left bewildered and angry with her parents and teacher.
The crocodile was progressing through Cloudsdale.
Is there some sort of cloud-crocodile, and the foals are fleeing it? I'm going to take a wild guess that crocodile is a euphamism for something, but I've never heard this in American English.
The ending of the story is too abrupt. If you want to introduce Dash, you need more than a hoofful of sentences to develop her character. It just seems random and forced. But they're fleeing a crocodile, so maybe it makes sense.
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
That feel when you realize they say that to every author, not just you. :raritydespair:
:trollestia:
Thank you for sharing your work.
That feel when you realize they say that to every author, not just you. :raritydespair:
:trollestia:
Needs scene breaks for sure. The lack really threw me a couple of times when it switched from parents back to schoolyard. Overall, not badly written, but I fear it doesn't really go anywhere. Fluttershy is just bullied and leaves school. No lesson is learned on either side, no morals about bullying or how to respond to bullies. They just move away. (If that's some intentional interpretation of "ignore it" then it's too subtle.) The last part is far too sudden. She instantly makes friends with Dash at the end, and nothing more happens.
While this story doesn't quite have outstanding writing, and ultimately not much really happens beyond what we already from the show, I think it really succeeds at making the reader empathize with Fluttershy. (I think it'll be easier for anyone who had to endure bullies at school and well-meant clueless advice at home. No Mom it doesn't work when I ignore them, because they aren't trying to get a rise out of me, they're just picking on the nerd in order to fit in with the gang--OK sorry I digress.) The bits where Fluttershy's suffering is described are the best.
GUMMY YOU WILL RETURN TANK'S HELICOPTER THIS INSTANT
Haha, but yeah, this confused me for a moment there too. A glance into the dictionary suggests that it's a Britishism.
The crocodile was progressing through Cloudsdale.
GUMMY YOU WILL RETURN TANK'S HELICOPTER THIS INSTANT
Haha, but yeah, this confused me for a moment there too. A glance into the dictionary suggests that it's a Britishism.
Before reading a single word: I swear to Celestia if this is an Equestrian Pie reference...
Ok, it's not. Sure is a lot of Fluttershy this round, though (not that I'm complaining) and a lot of children bullying/making friends fluff.
Mreeh. This didn't hook me very well. I'm not sure about calling it overambitious - to me it has the opposite issue and aims a bit too low. The bullying/school scenes as presented here are very basic, stereotypical fare, I could call every beat before it happened, and I found myself wishing they'd hurry up and finish so I could get to the real story. Then we finally get to Flight Camp, Dash finally appears, and... it's over.
So I guess the bullying scenes were the meat of the story, and that's disappointing. They hit a very common zone in Writeoff entries where the writing is trying to be evocative of something emotional, but only by directly invoking it and leaving it at that. If a reader is predisposed to get emotional about the subject - school bullying here, but also commonly suicide or aging or cruelty/death of children - then they'll be triggered by its simple inclusion. But if they're not, there's nothing special here to change someone's mind or make them feel something they haven't felt before.
To me, this story ended right around where it should have started. Most of the first scene and the school bullying could be cut without losing much. How does Dash get Flutter to open up again? What does Fluttershy think about all of this? She's young here, but surely there's more going through her mind than "I wanna be a Wonderbolt, I got bullied, waah." How is she forming her values?
This is all content issues, though. The technical execution is fine, aside from the slight muddying of what the conflict and arc are intended to be. It reads smoothly and has enough baseline competency to be discussing content issues. Decent effort, and thanks for writing!
Ok, it's not. Sure is a lot of Fluttershy this round, though (not that I'm complaining) and a lot of children bullying/making friends fluff.
Mreeh. This didn't hook me very well. I'm not sure about calling it overambitious - to me it has the opposite issue and aims a bit too low. The bullying/school scenes as presented here are very basic, stereotypical fare, I could call every beat before it happened, and I found myself wishing they'd hurry up and finish so I could get to the real story. Then we finally get to Flight Camp, Dash finally appears, and... it's over.
So I guess the bullying scenes were the meat of the story, and that's disappointing. They hit a very common zone in Writeoff entries where the writing is trying to be evocative of something emotional, but only by directly invoking it and leaving it at that. If a reader is predisposed to get emotional about the subject - school bullying here, but also commonly suicide or aging or cruelty/death of children - then they'll be triggered by its simple inclusion. But if they're not, there's nothing special here to change someone's mind or make them feel something they haven't felt before.
To me, this story ended right around where it should have started. Most of the first scene and the school bullying could be cut without losing much. How does Dash get Flutter to open up again? What does Fluttershy think about all of this? She's young here, but surely there's more going through her mind than "I wanna be a Wonderbolt, I got bullied, waah." How is she forming her values?
This is all content issues, though. The technical execution is fine, aside from the slight muddying of what the conflict and arc are intended to be. It reads smoothly and has enough baseline competency to be discussing content issues. Decent effort, and thanks for writing!