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Poetry for Children
There once was a small filly who lived on a hill.
She carried water all day, not a drop did she spill.
But sadly for her, she did know what was best
When it came to disease, carried by mosquito pest.
It was that fateful morn while she toiled in the mud,
And bite down on her flank to suck her precious blood.
Now I know, dear reader, you might at this time ask
"How as it muddy? A hill? And water, her task?"
Stop asking questions unimportant to the tale
The mare smacked the insect and crushed it to bits
"HEY! That didn't rhyme! You're breaking the meter!"
Twilight Sparkle pushed the book shut, climbing atop the great tome to glare at her mother. "Poems are supposed to rhyme!"
Twilight Velvet chuckled at her daughter. "I know, my tiny twinkle-star. However, I fear our dear Contrary Word was never one to conform to expectation. Then again, you might not enjoy the rest of the story."
Twilight scrunched her face up. "Why is that?"
"Well," said her mother, "The filly contracts a terrible illness and dies, and the story ends, and the moral is that you shouldn't bother authors while they are writing or they will kill off your favorite characters."
Twilight's eyes went wide! "She dies? Just like that?" Her poor little juvenile lip quivered as unshed tears came to her eyes.
Twilight Velvet said nothing, only offered a grave nod as her response, which caused her daughter to burst into tears!
"That's! Not! FAAAIIIIRRR!" wailed poor, disconsolate Twilight Sparkle. "That doesn't c-c-conform to any sort of basic literary structure! The poem is already destroyed! The filly isn't misbehaving or ignoring her parents or or or or anything that matters like that! It j-just happens?!" She broke down into wordless blubbering, unable to articulate the depths of her despair over such a horrible crime against basic writing conventions.
"I know," her mother said sympathetically. "Any author who would do such a thing is probably a terrible pony. Certainly, Contrary Word was. There's not much left of her but her books, on account of the attempted assassination of Princess Celestia."
"SHE TRIED TO KILL THE PRINCESS?!" Twilight managed to stop crying just long enough to articulate her world shattering around her.
"Actually, she sort of did kill the Princess," Twilight Velvet said. "And all of Equestria was plunged into eternal darkness. You're freezing to death, Twilight Sparkle. This is just a hallucination as your brain shuts down from the cold."
And then Twilight Sparkle was a popsicle.
She carried water all day, not a drop did she spill.
But sadly for her, she did know what was best
When it came to disease, carried by mosquito pest.
It was that fateful morn while she toiled in the mud,
And bite down on her flank to suck her precious blood.
Now I know, dear reader, you might at this time ask
"How as it muddy? A hill? And water, her task?"
Stop asking questions unimportant to the tale
The mare smacked the insect and crushed it to bits
"HEY! That didn't rhyme! You're breaking the meter!"
Twilight Sparkle pushed the book shut, climbing atop the great tome to glare at her mother. "Poems are supposed to rhyme!"
Twilight Velvet chuckled at her daughter. "I know, my tiny twinkle-star. However, I fear our dear Contrary Word was never one to conform to expectation. Then again, you might not enjoy the rest of the story."
Twilight scrunched her face up. "Why is that?"
"Well," said her mother, "The filly contracts a terrible illness and dies, and the story ends, and the moral is that you shouldn't bother authors while they are writing or they will kill off your favorite characters."
Twilight's eyes went wide! "She dies? Just like that?" Her poor little juvenile lip quivered as unshed tears came to her eyes.
Twilight Velvet said nothing, only offered a grave nod as her response, which caused her daughter to burst into tears!
"That's! Not! FAAAIIIIRRR!" wailed poor, disconsolate Twilight Sparkle. "That doesn't c-c-conform to any sort of basic literary structure! The poem is already destroyed! The filly isn't misbehaving or ignoring her parents or or or or anything that matters like that! It j-just happens?!" She broke down into wordless blubbering, unable to articulate the depths of her despair over such a horrible crime against basic writing conventions.
"I know," her mother said sympathetically. "Any author who would do such a thing is probably a terrible pony. Certainly, Contrary Word was. There's not much left of her but her books, on account of the attempted assassination of Princess Celestia."
"SHE TRIED TO KILL THE PRINCESS?!" Twilight managed to stop crying just long enough to articulate her world shattering around her.
"Actually, she sort of did kill the Princess," Twilight Velvet said. "And all of Equestria was plunged into eternal darkness. You're freezing to death, Twilight Sparkle. This is just a hallucination as your brain shuts down from the cold."
And then Twilight Sparkle was a popsicle.
This is certainly a well written piece, and is probably going to appeal to a sizable number of people. Alas, I don't think I'm among that number.
Interesting premise, solid execution. That's about all I can really say on this one really. Thanks for sharing your work!
Interesting premise, solid execution. That's about all I can really say on this one really. Thanks for sharing your work!
Meh. The execution is passable, but the overblown bits kind of ruin it. Too many exclamation marks, too much all-caps, and this:
is complete narm with the exclamation mark at the end. Twilight would have noticed the meter being completely helter-skelter much earlier than that, and the overall premise just doesn't work for me at all. Maybe if it were part of a series of hallucinations in a larger work, but not by itself.
Twilight Velvet said nothing, only offered a grave nod as her response, which caused her daughter to burst into tears!
is complete narm with the exclamation mark at the end. Twilight would have noticed the meter being completely helter-skelter much earlier than that, and the overall premise just doesn't work for me at all. Maybe if it were part of a series of hallucinations in a larger work, but not by itself.
Genre: W--what?
Thoughts: The first read-through was rough for me; the opening poem doesn't quite work (which, admittedly, may be the point...) and the closing line has a word choice in "popsicle" that veers a bit too much toward comedy for the magnitude of the sting it's trying to deliver.
But upon a second reading, I begin to realize how clever the middle section is. Most of Velvet's dialogue is self-referential to the story itself, and its author. And then it goes a level deeper by feeling like a villainous moustache-twirl by the antagonist... which is probably what it's meant to be, so props to the Author for pulling that off.
So that's all really ambitious stuff, and it's great seeing that kind of experimentation in a Writeoff! I'm going to be honest though, this doesn't quite stick the landing for me. The aforementioned pros and cons leave me appreciative of what was being attempted here but feeling like a tune-up is in order. But this is top-contender material needing some surface polish, for the most part.
Oh, and how dare you kill Twilight! And Celestia! NUUUUU :-P
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: The first read-through was rough for me; the opening poem doesn't quite work (which, admittedly, may be the point...) and the closing line has a word choice in "popsicle" that veers a bit too much toward comedy for the magnitude of the sting it's trying to deliver.
But upon a second reading, I begin to realize how clever the middle section is. Most of Velvet's dialogue is self-referential to the story itself, and its author. And then it goes a level deeper by feeling like a villainous moustache-twirl by the antagonist... which is probably what it's meant to be, so props to the Author for pulling that off.
So that's all really ambitious stuff, and it's great seeing that kind of experimentation in a Writeoff! I'm going to be honest though, this doesn't quite stick the landing for me. The aforementioned pros and cons leave me appreciative of what was being attempted here but feeling like a tune-up is in order. But this is top-contender material needing some surface polish, for the most part.
Oh, and how dare you kill Twilight! And Celestia! NUUUUU :-P
Tier: Almost There
...Actually, a really clever bit of meta storytelling. It annoyed me on my first readthrough, but on reflection, I'm having a very hard time finding fault in it.
Okay, I admit I didn't see the meta angle clearly the first time. So I went through it again after reading more of the comments…
And it's still grating. The clever bit is buried under all the cringe. (But I can see why people would have the opposite opinion more clearly, now.)
And it's still grating. The clever bit is buried under all the cringe. (But I can see why people would have the opposite opinion more clearly, now.)
>>CoffeeMinion
Seriously? To me this reads -- no offense, Author -- like a trollfic. This isn't meta as much as it's just, well, kind of a silly story. The ending pretty much spells that with firey letters in the sky, and ditto the writing.
I wouldn't say this is meta or particularly clever; this is mostly lolrandom style of comedy. Stuff happens for no reason, and then Twilight was a popsicle. I read it twice, just to make sure I wasn't missing anything, and I'm fairly sure there's nothing underneath it all.
I mean, I might be wrong, absolutely, but I think some people are reading too much into this. Less meta storytelling and clever commentary, more 'random tag in Fimfic'. That's absolutely how it reads to me.
Seriously? To me this reads -- no offense, Author -- like a trollfic. This isn't meta as much as it's just, well, kind of a silly story. The ending pretty much spells that with firey letters in the sky, and ditto the writing.
I wouldn't say this is meta or particularly clever; this is mostly lolrandom style of comedy. Stuff happens for no reason, and then Twilight was a popsicle. I read it twice, just to make sure I wasn't missing anything, and I'm fairly sure there's nothing underneath it all.
I mean, I might be wrong, absolutely, but I think some people are reading too much into this. Less meta storytelling and clever commentary, more 'random tag in Fimfic'. That's absolutely how it reads to me.
>>Aragon
Interpretations are bound to vary, but yeah, that's how I read it. For what it's worth, my first reading left me pretty cold. And won't I look foolish if it turns out to have indeed been a trollfic. :-P
Interpretations are bound to vary, but yeah, that's how I read it. For what it's worth, my first reading left me pretty cold. And won't I look foolish if it turns out to have indeed been a trollfic. :-P
Bait and switch about literary conventions. Does well for what it sets out to do, but not really my bag. Also, I don't see any connection to the prompt.
>>Xepher
The connection could be that the reader has to ignore any bad feeling he could feel towards the ending and it will go away.
Anyway, I agree with what has already been said. It uses the meta angle just to troll. I did chuckle but I couldn't really get much else. So a mid-tier for me with still congratulations for this piece which can almost only fit during a Writeoff round.
The connection could be that the reader has to ignore any bad feeling he could feel towards the ending and it will go away.
Anyway, I agree with what has already been said. It uses the meta angle just to troll. I did chuckle but I couldn't really get much else. So a mid-tier for me with still congratulations for this piece which can almost only fit during a Writeoff round.
It's not a bad read, and I get the meta- aspect of this piece, but...it's not doing a whole lot for me. There's nothing really wrong with it in my mind, and I don;t have a lot to say about it (sorry), it's just not really my cup of tea.
Thanks for sharing, though!
Thanks for sharing, though!
I'm gonna be really blunt here, and I do apologize to the author if that is not the intent, but this really rubs up against being a shot at criticism in general. The tone is very much "the author can do no wrong and fuck off if you think otherwise," particularly displayed by the critic being a blubbering filly Twilight Sparkle.
Unshockingly, especially in the context of being a writeoff entry which largely has the form of and practicality of a workshop, that really puts me off. Like, a lot. Yes, breaking convention is fine when there is purpose and merit to it. You gain quite nicely from breaking convention well. However, you need to actually do a good job of it. Breaking convention to break convention is often a negative thing.
Anyhow, writing quality otherwise is fine. And again, I apologize to the author if that was not the intent, but yeah, this seriously rubs me the wrong way.
Unshockingly, especially in the context of being a writeoff entry which largely has the form of and practicality of a workshop, that really puts me off. Like, a lot. Yes, breaking convention is fine when there is purpose and merit to it. You gain quite nicely from breaking convention well. However, you need to actually do a good job of it. Breaking convention to break convention is often a negative thing.
Anyhow, writing quality otherwise is fine. And again, I apologize to the author if that was not the intent, but yeah, this seriously rubs me the wrong way.
Poetry - Never question an author, because they have immense power over their subjects. And they like popsicles.
Meh. This just reads like yet another of these stream-of-consciousness lolrandom stories which I dislike; they can be churned out en masse and stop being funny after the first few times.
Also, from the third line onwards the poem stops making much grammatical or semantic sense, though this might have been deliberate.
Also, from the third line onwards the poem stops making much grammatical or semantic sense, though this might have been deliberate.
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>Chryssi
>>MLPmatthewl419
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
>>Light_Striker
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Posh
>>Aragon
>>Misternick
>>Xepher
>>Fenton
>>eusocialdragon
>>AndrewRogue
>>georg
>>JudgeDeadd
I'm slow on the turnaround but thanks for commentary!
Really, to sum it up nice and simple : I was on vacation, wanted to do an entry, start the poetry segment as stream of consciousness, decide that's not working - and then just deciding to let whatever happens happen.
So uhm - not exactly a trollfic so much as 'Speedfic Rushjob' to actually enter something, and the bits on literary analysis and meta-commentary that people found, while awesome, were not intentional but I am glad it accidentally had depth for some readers!
>>Chryssi
>>MLPmatthewl419
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
>>Light_Striker
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Posh
>>Aragon
>>Misternick
>>Xepher
>>Fenton
>>eusocialdragon
>>AndrewRogue
>>georg
>>JudgeDeadd
I'm slow on the turnaround but thanks for commentary!
Really, to sum it up nice and simple : I was on vacation, wanted to do an entry, start the poetry segment as stream of consciousness, decide that's not working - and then just deciding to let whatever happens happen.
So uhm - not exactly a trollfic so much as 'Speedfic Rushjob' to actually enter something, and the bits on literary analysis and meta-commentary that people found, while awesome, were not intentional but I am glad it accidentally had depth for some readers!