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Hmm... not quite sure what to make of this. I find the lack of dialog attribution frustrating. I know it's "clever" to make us work it out from the lines themselves, but I just prefer more traditional storytelling. Making me work for understanding even the basics like who is talking takes the fun out of reading.
That said, this holds up okay to me. It sketches in some details about Pinkie's early life, but doesn't really reveal anything we didn't already know. The prompt adherence is also kind of weak to me. Overall though, I'd say this is middle of the pack on my slate so far.
That said, this holds up okay to me. It sketches in some details about Pinkie's early life, but doesn't really reveal anything we didn't already know. The prompt adherence is also kind of weak to me. Overall though, I'd say this is middle of the pack on my slate so far.
Okay, one complaint. Too direct on the prompt in the last line.
But beyond that, this is great! It captures that weird introspective voice of Gummi perfectly, and the interruptions only enhance the accuracy. I could hear it perfectly in my mind, see Gummi slowly licking one eye even though that wasn't described. Having Pinkie be a chosen "pet" and a catalyst is also brilliant. The role reversal works, and the rest falls into place. Very witty and well written throughout!
But beyond that, this is great! It captures that weird introspective voice of Gummi perfectly, and the interruptions only enhance the accuracy. I could hear it perfectly in my mind, see Gummi slowly licking one eye even though that wasn't described. Having Pinkie be a chosen "pet" and a catalyst is also brilliant. The role reversal works, and the rest falls into place. Very witty and well written throughout!
Genre: Chuck Norris Facts
Thoughts: I'm at a loss for whether to give this high marks on account of the severe belly-laughs it gave me, or to ding it for its repetitiveness, lack of real plot, and--
* le notices the word count is precisely 420 *
Oh, buck it. Author, I'll give this to ya because sometimes entertainment can be an art unto itself if the jokes all land, even if it isn't "art" per se. And that's what we've got here. It goes on just long enough to maximize humor without overstaying its welcome, and there isn't a stinker among the jokes.
Just... don't expect to pull this off every time. :V
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: I'm at a loss for whether to give this high marks on account of the severe belly-laughs it gave me, or to ding it for its repetitiveness, lack of real plot, and--
* le notices the word count is precisely 420 *
Oh, buck it. Author, I'll give this to ya because sometimes entertainment can be an art unto itself if the jokes all land, even if it isn't "art" per se. And that's what we've got here. It goes on just long enough to maximize humor without overstaying its welcome, and there isn't a stinker among the jokes.
Just... don't expect to pull this off every time. :V
Tier: Strong
The "wait until next year" bit doesn't quite work logically. I get the joke you're aiming for, but it lands wrong. It needs to be clearer that Twilight doesn't get the whole point was to make her forget, not that it was an actual recipe. Maybe rephrase her line as something more like "Oh no, we took so long getting the ingredients, that my wings already finished molting!"
That last bit aside, this is a pretty decent story. Simple, but knows where it's going and gets there smoothly. Not quite top tier for me I'm afraid, but mostly because the "distraction as cure" trope was too obvious from the start, and I typically prefer to be surprised by stories when possible.
That last bit aside, this is a pretty decent story. Simple, but knows where it's going and gets there smoothly. Not quite top tier for me I'm afraid, but mostly because the "distraction as cure" trope was too obvious from the start, and I typically prefer to be surprised by stories when possible.
First line, and I thought "well, this is bold." That question has been broached by so many fanfics, so in my mind I was more or less daring this story to show me some new take on it.
It did.
And it got to me, it really did. The answer was so simple (but still new to my experience) and yet it was the fallout that sold me on this story. You've done a great job with Sunset and Dash reacting afterwards. Both feel incredibly genuine and real. There's no wise sayings forced into it, or needless gibbering either. The two talk, in voices that sound spot on, and it just... is. Definitely the most emotional story I've read so far!
It did.
And it got to me, it really did. The answer was so simple (but still new to my experience) and yet it was the fallout that sold me on this story. You've done a great job with Sunset and Dash reacting afterwards. Both feel incredibly genuine and real. There's no wise sayings forced into it, or needless gibbering either. The two talk, in voices that sound spot on, and it just... is. Definitely the most emotional story I've read so far!
I'm definitely glad I saw the most recent (depending on your region) episode, as otherwise I think some of the context of this piece might have been lost on me.
This was a fun little skit though. I thought that you pretty much nailed Starlight's character (which was great), Pinkie Pie's perhaps less so—or at least less consistently. There were a few words/phrases and mannerisms that didn't quite ring true for me. Ditto for some word choices throughout the narrative, and you have a couple of sentences that, if they aren't already run-ons, are becoming dangerously close to being run-ons. But these aren't particularly critical issues to your story; a good edit during less restrictive circumstances will sort out such things simply enough. The premise is entertaining, which is what counts here, and it brought a smile to my face. There might be a better ending out there—this one did make the story feel more like a chapter from a larger body of work than a standalone short—but on the whole I enjoyed it for what it was.
Thanks for sharing your work.
This was a fun little skit though. I thought that you pretty much nailed Starlight's character (which was great), Pinkie Pie's perhaps less so—or at least less consistently. There were a few words/phrases and mannerisms that didn't quite ring true for me. Ditto for some word choices throughout the narrative, and you have a couple of sentences that, if they aren't already run-ons, are becoming dangerously close to being run-ons. But these aren't particularly critical issues to your story; a good edit during less restrictive circumstances will sort out such things simply enough. The premise is entertaining, which is what counts here, and it brought a smile to my face. There might be a better ending out there—this one did make the story feel more like a chapter from a larger body of work than a standalone short—but on the whole I enjoyed it for what it was.
Thanks for sharing your work.
Ummm... Well written I guess?
Okay, to be honest, I don't get it. A fly annoys spike. The fly is eventually killed. Either this is the most boring (yet descriptively accurate) story I've read yet, or I am really missing some deeper metaphor/meaning here.
Okay, to be honest, I don't get it. A fly annoys spike. The fly is eventually killed. Either this is the most boring (yet descriptively accurate) story I've read yet, or I am really missing some deeper metaphor/meaning here.
Genre: Consarnit SYEEKOH!!
Thoughts: So the joke here is that Luna is forgetful and/or horrible.
<simpsons_thatsthejoke.png/>
I mean, this is funny for what it is, which is an extended cringe comedy joke. I think hanging the entire story on that is really hit-or-miss from an audience perspective. Like I can recognize the joke, but it's not really my thing. I think there will be people who get into it, though.
Tier:Abstain Needs Work (revised for Finals... I think this is decently written from a technical perspective but it needs to be a lot clearer about what it's trying to be. Being both serious and funny is possible but this reeeeeallllyyy doesn't stick the landing for me in its current presentation.)
Thoughts: So the joke here is that Luna is forgetful and/or horrible.
<simpsons_thatsthejoke.png/>
I mean, this is funny for what it is, which is an extended cringe comedy joke. I think hanging the entire story on that is really hit-or-miss from an audience perspective. Like I can recognize the joke, but it's not really my thing. I think there will be people who get into it, though.
Tier:
Okay, this made me think a bit. Naming the guy "Figment" paints it far different than I otherwise would. The setup is well written, but the end loses me a bit. Is Figment imaginary in the mind of Clocks? Or is Figment seeing/hearing voices in his own head? It sounds like the bartender saw the guy, but maybe he's just talking about someone's imaginary friend the way adults sometimes play along with children and their fantasies.
So while I'd prefer a more concrete "answer" at the end, I still say any story that makes me think is a pretty decent story. Nice job!
So while I'd prefer a more concrete "answer" at the end, I still say any story that makes me think is a pretty decent story. Nice job!
Very cute slice of life. Plays out nicely, and the twist at the end is icing on the proverbial cake.
This was cute. I have a soft spot for Minuette and she's well executed all along here.
The plot is fairly simple, and the story very straightforward, but… it works nevertheless just because it’s cute.
I would however retract the last lines. They feel ambiguous or offbeat, left us with a strange aftertaste. Just close your story with Minuette eating her stale sandwich, and that'll be more than 'nuff.
Welcome to the finals, though. And with pleasure.
[Fahrenheit]
The plot is fairly simple, and the story very straightforward, but… it works nevertheless just because it’s cute.
I would however retract the last lines. They feel ambiguous or offbeat, left us with a strange aftertaste. Just close your story with Minuette eating her stale sandwich, and that'll be more than 'nuff.
Welcome to the finals, though. And with pleasure.
[Fahrenheit]
Obvious set-up is obvious. But kind of amusing for a bit.
Name dropping the prompt five lines from the end annoyed me.
Going meta two lines from the end kinda redeemed it.
The last line though... shaggy dog well done!
Name dropping the prompt five lines from the end annoyed me.
Going meta two lines from the end kinda redeemed it.
The last line though... shaggy dog well done!
This story covers a lot of well-trodden ground, between the "Celestia mourns her banished sister" and the "immortality angst" bits which... which are the entire story, really. My issue is that these are things I've seen so many times in fanfiction; you, the author, can't be blamed for other people writing the same ideas as you, but that doesn't make the experience for me, the reader, any less repetitive.
And really, there's nothing here beyond those two ideas. This is a scene about Celestia reflecting on her anguish and on the tribulations of eternal life--nothing more, nothing less. Don't get me wrong, you can write a great story out of just one or two ideas! But when both of those ideas have long since been beaten into cliches by repetition, they can't carry your fic by themselves.
To me, this is a prime candidate for after-the-writeoff expansion. There's some hints of fresher ideas here already that could be developed--"Celestia figuring out how to replace Luna's role in the government's apparatus" and "ponies persist in celebrating NMM's defeat against Celestia's express wishes" come to mind--and if you can emphasize the less-trodden territory in your story, it will be that much more interesting to readers who--through no fault of your own--might be jaded by a few too many "sad Celestia" fics.
And really, there's nothing here beyond those two ideas. This is a scene about Celestia reflecting on her anguish and on the tribulations of eternal life--nothing more, nothing less. Don't get me wrong, you can write a great story out of just one or two ideas! But when both of those ideas have long since been beaten into cliches by repetition, they can't carry your fic by themselves.
To me, this is a prime candidate for after-the-writeoff expansion. There's some hints of fresher ideas here already that could be developed--"Celestia figuring out how to replace Luna's role in the government's apparatus" and "ponies persist in celebrating NMM's defeat against Celestia's express wishes" come to mind--and if you can emphasize the less-trodden territory in your story, it will be that much more interesting to readers who--through no fault of your own--might be jaded by a few too many "sad Celestia" fics.
This story doesn't have an overly original premise, nor does it really attempt to do anything new with it, but I did feel it was executed pretty well. Again, it manages to deliver emotional conflict as well as one could hope from such a short piece of fiction, and it isn't overwrought or made too melodramatic. Twilight's body language was nicely handled, and made her anguish feel believable—I'm not too sure I could say the same about Spike, though. I think I needed to see a little more of how his behaviour (and their relationship as a result) has changed over the years. You had some words left (though, of course, you might not have had the time), and I think you could have teased some of this into their interactions. As it was, his character felt too harsh and disproportionate to the situation, and was in need of more shading. For me, this upset the balance of the scene a little too much for it to work completely, and I wonder if it would have been a stronger piece without him.
The prompt was pretty evident in this story, though, and I really appreciate that. It was also a strongly structured story, with a clear narrative arc and a conclusion that was satisfying when taken in the context of the story as a whole. It'll probably end up in the middle/upper middle tier of my slate I imagine.
Thanks very much for sharing your work!
The prompt was pretty evident in this story, though, and I really appreciate that. It was also a strongly structured story, with a clear narrative arc and a conclusion that was satisfying when taken in the context of the story as a whole. It'll probably end up in the middle/upper middle tier of my slate I imagine.
Thanks very much for sharing your work!
So Maud's first love is for rocks, but her secret second love is for Rock. Nice! I'm disappointed that she didn't break out into Led Zeppelin's Rock and Roll, though.
One thing I really liked about this story is the strong nod toward the prompt ultimately being a premise based in false hope. Nothing Maud ignores in this story ever goes away for her, and this was well-presented.
Although it is well written (aside from a few important grammatical errors), the story itself didn't feel quite as compelling for me as I'd like. Would Maud really allow herself to accept that the external pressure to give up on something 'frivolous' that she loves is important? Since she has a rocktorate degree and earns her living somehow applying that, her "hobby" hurts exactly no one. So it doesn't quite add up for me that she would truly agonize over it.
That aside, I really appreciated the fact that she hasn't simply given in to the pressure she feels to give up on that second love, but will at least seek the opinion of a friend that 'gets' her.
One thing I really liked about this story is the strong nod toward the prompt ultimately being a premise based in false hope. Nothing Maud ignores in this story ever goes away for her, and this was well-presented.
Although it is well written (aside from a few important grammatical errors), the story itself didn't feel quite as compelling for me as I'd like. Would Maud really allow herself to accept that the external pressure to give up on something 'frivolous' that she loves is important? Since she has a rocktorate degree and earns her living somehow applying that, her "hobby" hurts exactly no one. So it doesn't quite add up for me that she would truly agonize over it.
That aside, I really appreciated the fact that she hasn't simply given in to the pressure she feels to give up on that second love, but will at least seek the opinion of a friend that 'gets' her.
Hum.
I’m with Aragón here. This is weird.
Caponeira, I think, means something like "dark head" in Portuguese. The word you’re looking for is Capoeira, unless that’s an intentional joke, in which case I don’t get it.
In any case, I’m not sure why you’ve chosen Pinkie here. It gives a touch a goofiness to your fic, which is not improper, but at the same I have the feeling Pinkie’s movements should be more slapstick.
So what’s the end? Limestone chases Pinkie everywhere in the castle hoping to kick her at last and turns the building into dust? And why that Portuguese adage like “When faced with stronger than you, flee rather than fight”?
They are several funny elements here, but they fail to click together, so the humour is lost, and what comes to the fore is the disjunction.
I’m with Aragón here. This is weird.
Caponeira, I think, means something like "dark head" in Portuguese. The word you’re looking for is Capoeira, unless that’s an intentional joke, in which case I don’t get it.
In any case, I’m not sure why you’ve chosen Pinkie here. It gives a touch a goofiness to your fic, which is not improper, but at the same I have the feeling Pinkie’s movements should be more slapstick.
So what’s the end? Limestone chases Pinkie everywhere in the castle hoping to kick her at last and turns the building into dust? And why that Portuguese adage like “When faced with stronger than you, flee rather than fight”?
They are several funny elements here, but they fail to click together, so the humour is lost, and what comes to the fore is the disjunction.
I thoroughly enjoyed this. That the prompt was dropped several times doesn't matter at all, the 'reasoning' Twilight used came off as both truth and denial, and that ending line was stellar. Nicely done.
Aww.
This was cute and fluffy and just nice. I think the prompt itself could have been referenced a little more strongly (though you could argue that it was more of a prompt inversion), but I like the premise and I really enjoyed the execution. The multiple scenes gave the story more depth and length, and you used your space effectively. Willow's story could have become slightly mawkish if it had continued for much longer, but you quickly swing back to the primary matter at hand: friendship. That kept the tone where it needed to be, and the story benefited as a result.
I do find it hard to believe that Twilight wouldn't have had her curiosity piqued enough to have investigated the ghost herself—to have attempted to communicate with it at the very least—but at least the route you chose gave Starlight centre stage, and I always appreciate that.
Thanks for sharing your work; I expect this will feature in the upper tiers of my slate. Because I do love my cute fluff.
This was cute and fluffy and just nice. I think the prompt itself could have been referenced a little more strongly (though you could argue that it was more of a prompt inversion), but I like the premise and I really enjoyed the execution. The multiple scenes gave the story more depth and length, and you used your space effectively. Willow's story could have become slightly mawkish if it had continued for much longer, but you quickly swing back to the primary matter at hand: friendship. That kept the tone where it needed to be, and the story benefited as a result.
I do find it hard to believe that Twilight wouldn't have had her curiosity piqued enough to have investigated the ghost herself—to have attempted to communicate with it at the very least—but at least the route you chose gave Starlight centre stage, and I always appreciate that.
Thanks for sharing your work; I expect this will feature in the upper tiers of my slate. Because I do love my cute fluff.
I liked this. It's quick, to the point and utilizes oddball writing effectively for its needs. Alas, it's not at all MLP related, which is certain to doom it as far as the Writeoff goes, but still, fun.
Oh dear Luna, the puns are strong with this one. Gotta admit, I laughed. and had no idea there were so many ways to put so many pants into such a small space.
I am entertained, to say the least.
I am entertained, to say the least.
K. It kinda felt like scenes from two stories. One a serious topic about grief, and the other a joke about Luna.
Is this gonna be a thing? Is eyeball-centric horse literature just gonna be a thing we all have to contend with? Did I start a trend?
Because I love it. And I love this.
Because I love it. And I love this.
I like the martial arts description. My interpretation after reading and considering is that Pinkie and the others were trapped in the cave in, and this is how Pinkie is helping them to pass the time / training others to be more effective fighters against whatever attacked the castle / making a certain amount of noise to help rescuers find them (though not too much, lest there be a further cave in). This perhaps should have been made more obvious. I'll rank this as an upper tier story that needs more polishing and clarifying.
I'm a bit torn on this. On one hand, it fits young Dash well, to show her so vulnerable and prone to lashing out. On the other, I'm feeling like I didn't really learn anything about her from this story. She's a slacker, she's self-destructive, she's aggressive, she's impulsive... these are all things I already know about her. So while this story tries to fill in the blanks around how she "didn't get kicked out" of Flight School, I feel like it ends up being too insubstantial, and saying too little, for me to really enjoy. When you're touching this up after the writeoff, I think you could spend some time looking at how this event informed Rainbow Dash's attributes, rather than simply showing us how those attributes played out in the event. Is this the(/a) incident that made her so insecure? Show us that, rather than just showing her being insecure. Make a connection between who she is/becomes and the event itself, and I think you'll find you've got a much more memorable piece of writing on your hands!
This is cute. It has the common minific complaint that it feels like part of something longer. (What I really want to see now is Trixie and Discord trying to defend Equestria together, not SG's adventures through the looking glass.)
So, the joke here is that Luna is a terrible person, because she's stupid. And okay, I understand character assassination comedy, and some of it I quite like. But this didn't feel funny to me--just mean-spirited. If you want to keep the central joke and premise while lightening it up enough that my reaction isn't to cringe and feel disappointed (and maybe you do want me to feel that way, because your target audience finds this funnier than I do. But otherwise...), take away some of the more aggressive tones of despair (it's enough to know that the widow eventually died, we don't need to dwell on her misery) and remove the personal culpability (if the widow cries to the heavens "Why did this have to happen?" and Luna says something blindingly inappropriate, that's a very different tone from her deflecting a direct accusation of murder). Aragon wrote a comedy about the princesses not understanding death that you might want to look at--while your story is different from it in basically every way except "princess not understanding death," and while I'm not encouraging you to copy any of his material or writing style, the one thing you could take from it is how he avoided getting too grim and miserable with a story that is, also, basically character assassination cringe comedy.
(P.S. It just occured to me that, if it turns out this story is written by Aragon, I'm going to feel weird about recommending you read your own fic, but... maybe you should anyway? We can learn from ourselves as well as from others, after all)
(P.S. It just occured to me that, if it turns out this story is written by Aragon, I'm going to feel weird about recommending you read your own fic, but... maybe you should anyway? We can learn from ourselves as well as from others, after all)
I could maybe imagine Pinkie pulling a prank like this on Twilight for ten minutes, tops. Can you imagine actually kidnapping one of your friends, forcing them into handcuffs and brainwashing them for three days, all to spring a surprise party? It would be a great way to lose a friend, wouldn't it?
I can approach this story as a comic dystopia under Nightmare Pinkamena, but the attempt to connect it back to a normal MLP continuity is very jarring. These considerations spoiled the fun for me. Sorry, Author.
I can approach this story as a comic dystopia under Nightmare Pinkamena, but the attempt to connect it back to a normal MLP continuity is very jarring. These considerations spoiled the fun for me. Sorry, Author.
Silly, funny concept.
Might be a stretch to get an entire story out of it, considering how many lines are repeated.
Might be a stretch to get an entire story out of it, considering how many lines are repeated.
I'm going to agree with >>GroaningGreyAgony that there should have been a more explicit connection between the martial arts and the last four paragraphs. You can make it clearer in the first part that the children are terrified and that Pinkie's being indefatigabley Pinkie to cheer them up, say, without spoiling any sense of "reveal" that you want to maintain. And if you put in something like Maud recognizing the pattern of hoofbeats... again, the stronger a connection you can make between the ending and the rest of the fic, the better! Right now you've got two solid pieces of a story, all that's left is to fuse them together.
>>Monokeras
The joke is that "pone" is a horse pun. I thought it was perfectly appropriate to an MLP fic, but then, I like puns.
>>Monokeras
The joke is that "pone" is a horse pun. I thought it was perfectly appropriate to an MLP fic, but then, I like puns.
This was good fun. I love a story that pokes a bit of fun at the conventions of the medium (i.e. giant cartoon eyes), and which takes its silliness seriously.
That said, I think the character choices could use a rethink. AJ and Applebloom to start, fine. But Twilight not knowing basic pony anatomy seems like it's pushing it--and since it's "pushing it" in a way not directly related to the central silliness of your fic, it sticks out to me.
I'm spitballing, but what about keeping this all Apple-centric? AJ goes to ask Big Mac, who pulls a Nightmare Night decoration out of storage for examination, and when they see there's just one big hole, they take it to Granny Smith, who gives them basically the same explanation (with the same reveal) as Celestia in your current writing. There are lots of combinations of characters you could use, of course, but that's one quartet that would fit your current roles, character-wise, off the top of my head.
Even as-written, the humor is there. Tweak the characterization a bit to play to character's type instead of against it, and I think you've got a great comic minific!
That said, I think the character choices could use a rethink. AJ and Applebloom to start, fine. But Twilight not knowing basic pony anatomy seems like it's pushing it--and since it's "pushing it" in a way not directly related to the central silliness of your fic, it sticks out to me.
I'm spitballing, but what about keeping this all Apple-centric? AJ goes to ask Big Mac, who pulls a Nightmare Night decoration out of storage for examination, and when they see there's just one big hole, they take it to Granny Smith, who gives them basically the same explanation (with the same reveal) as Celestia in your current writing. There are lots of combinations of characters you could use, of course, but that's one quartet that would fit your current roles, character-wise, off the top of my head.
Even as-written, the humor is there. Tweak the characterization a bit to play to character's type instead of against it, and I think you've got a great comic minific!
While a pretty good story, it's sadly not MLP related at all. And since it's an MLP round, that makes it die for me.
A+ work as a pun vehicle. That's all there really is here, but then, I'm not convinced that there should be anything more to a tale of this one's... let's say, "caliber." In that spirit, I don't really have any advice for this one: it is what it is, and I don't think I could offer substantial critique that would improve "what it is."
(Okay, one piece of advice if you decide to publish this on FiMFiction, want to troll your readers a bit, and have a LOT of extra time: write a 12,000 word "bonus chapter" of Twilight asking a lengthy series of yes-no questions that ever so slowly, with ever so many digressions, lead to her extrapolating what's happened. Don't put that in the fic, of course, but the idea of it existing off to the side would be funny, albeit a bunch of work for a relatively small payoff)
(Okay, one piece of advice if you decide to publish this on FiMFiction, want to troll your readers a bit, and have a LOT of extra time: write a 12,000 word "bonus chapter" of Twilight asking a lengthy series of yes-no questions that ever so slowly, with ever so many digressions, lead to her extrapolating what's happened. Don't put that in the fic, of course, but the idea of it existing off to the side would be funny, albeit a bunch of work for a relatively small payoff)
This choked me up a bit. I love sea stories, and this hits the right notes of a crew’s respect for a vessel that sailed well and brought them home against all odds. Good job, author!
I really like the connection you draw between the crack in the wall and the relationship--if anything, you can do even more with that. And on the subject of doing more: probably the most interesting idea here is Gilda's resentment over being taught what it means to be a griffon by a pony. That's a strong idea that's both ripe for building on, has plenty of contemporary relevance, and can give your story more of a sense of weight than "broken relationship" alone has. In general, interspecies relationship stories (heck, even inter-pony-species relationship stories) benefit from a sense of how being born/growing up/living as a ___ is different from as a ___. You've got all the building blocks for that laid out clearly; my only advice to you is to build those block towers even higher, once the wordlimit stops constraining you.
Romance stories aren’t usually my thing. That said, the character voices are spot on, and this hits the right saddening notes for love unrequited. This will go in my upper tier.
This is one of those stories where I found myself going back and re-reading parts of it, because I was convinced that there was something subtle within it that was going right over the top of my head. I'm still not sure, so I guess I just need to take it at face value and use the defence of lack of clarity (or lack of caffeine on my part) should it be the case.
The casual, everyday tone of the narrative does feel quite effectively offset by the final third, which brings with it more ominous overtures, and the suggestion that all is not well in this particular stretch of Arcadia worked well for me. The premise itself didn't keep me overly engaged though; the need to ground the world in the first two-thirds meant that the narrative was forced down a more passive, telly road by the limitations of the round, and by the time the conflict/drama (and the prompt) came into play, its effectiveness was blunted. One bonus of that approach, though, is that it keeps the characters at arms length, thinly defined. That certainly adds to the more ominous atmosphere that begins to build later.
I think there is a more compelling story to be found in here, once you've been given the space to unpack it and allow it to properly breathe. Thanks for sharing your work.
The casual, everyday tone of the narrative does feel quite effectively offset by the final third, which brings with it more ominous overtures, and the suggestion that all is not well in this particular stretch of Arcadia worked well for me. The premise itself didn't keep me overly engaged though; the need to ground the world in the first two-thirds meant that the narrative was forced down a more passive, telly road by the limitations of the round, and by the time the conflict/drama (and the prompt) came into play, its effectiveness was blunted. One bonus of that approach, though, is that it keeps the characters at arms length, thinly defined. That certainly adds to the more ominous atmosphere that begins to build later.
I think there is a more compelling story to be found in here, once you've been given the space to unpack it and allow it to properly breathe. Thanks for sharing your work.
That's so wrong, Twilight is supposed to be dating my OC!
The writing is good on this one. Not extraordinary but solid for what it has to convey and I haven't much to say about that. My problem is with what the story actually tries to convey.
So girl talk about Twilight's pregnancy. Why did Twilight wait so long before going to talk to Applejack? We don't have the answer and I'm quite sure it isn't hidden in the fic.
Moreover, you settled your story in AJ's POV. That's fine but it didn't help to understand Twilight's feeling towards the incoming baby. I thought at first that it was the main focus of your story but then, you spent many words with Applejack telling her backstory and how she was feeling at the moment. This part was pretty good but I'm afraid you spread yourself too thin for a MiniFic and should have chosen between Twilight's pregnancy or Applejack's feelings. I know that Applejack's story was supposed to be an example for Twilight to help her make the right decision by telling him she was pregnant. Unfortunately, this is a MiniFic round, like I said, and you just got me confused with what the story was suppose to say.
Also,
That definitely does not sound like something Applejack would say. That really looks more like Fluttershy. (At least in my mind)
And one last little thing,
Not clear if it's Aj's hair or Twi's hair
The writing is good on this one. Not extraordinary but solid for what it has to convey and I haven't much to say about that. My problem is with what the story actually tries to convey.
So girl talk about Twilight's pregnancy. Why did Twilight wait so long before going to talk to Applejack? We don't have the answer and I'm quite sure it isn't hidden in the fic.
Moreover, you settled your story in AJ's POV. That's fine but it didn't help to understand Twilight's feeling towards the incoming baby. I thought at first that it was the main focus of your story but then, you spent many words with Applejack telling her backstory and how she was feeling at the moment. This part was pretty good but I'm afraid you spread yourself too thin for a MiniFic and should have chosen between Twilight's pregnancy or Applejack's feelings. I know that Applejack's story was supposed to be an example for Twilight to help her make the right decision by telling him she was pregnant. Unfortunately, this is a MiniFic round, like I said, and you just got me confused with what the story was suppose to say.
Also,
“Have you, um, I mean to say, do you know..?”
That definitely does not sound like something Applejack would say. That really looks more like Fluttershy. (At least in my mind)
And one last little thing,
Applejack sighed again and pushed some of her hair out of her eyes.
Not clear if it's Aj's hair or Twi's hair
Mundane Fact #1: This was the first story I read from my slate, but I have held back from commenting because I didn't want to look like the only person who didn't get the connectivity between the ending and the rest of the fic. I'm sensitive like that.
My inclination is, however, to agree with >>GroaningGreyAgony and >>Chris: I did wonder whether the scene with Pinkie and others was being played out at the same time as Maud's, but without a slightly more explicit connection I was left seconding guessing that assumption. I then wondered whether the destruction of Canterlot Castle was caused by the sparring between Pinkie and Limestone, but that didn't feel like it made enough sense to be the answer either. Whatever it was in reality, the lack of clarity denied me from reaching a satisfying conclusion/
Also, and this might be just personal preference speaking, but I think some of Pinkie's speech could have been a tad more in character. Her first and third lines are great, you nailed it there. But in a few of the others it feels as though her voice has been lost somewhat. I loved the explanations and descriptions of Caponeira (arf!) though—very engaging.
Less Mundane Fact #1: Pinkie learning martial arts is going to be my takeaway mental image from this round. It's a good one.
Thanks a bundle for sharing your work. It needs some minor tweaking to turn it into a cohesive and satisfying whole, but I enjoyed reading the component parts.
My inclination is, however, to agree with >>GroaningGreyAgony and >>Chris: I did wonder whether the scene with Pinkie and others was being played out at the same time as Maud's, but without a slightly more explicit connection I was left seconding guessing that assumption. I then wondered whether the destruction of Canterlot Castle was caused by the sparring between Pinkie and Limestone, but that didn't feel like it made enough sense to be the answer either. Whatever it was in reality, the lack of clarity denied me from reaching a satisfying conclusion/
Also, and this might be just personal preference speaking, but I think some of Pinkie's speech could have been a tad more in character. Her first and third lines are great, you nailed it there. But in a few of the others it feels as though her voice has been lost somewhat. I loved the explanations and descriptions of Caponeira (arf!) though—very engaging.
Less Mundane Fact #1: Pinkie learning martial arts is going to be my takeaway mental image from this round. It's a good one.
Thanks a bundle for sharing your work. It needs some minor tweaking to turn it into a cohesive and satisfying whole, but I enjoyed reading the component parts.
There’s some quality dialogue here, but the story falls flat for me. I am not sure if Twilight is supposed to be right about the demonic visitation, in which case she wouldn’t agree so readily to ignore them at the end, or if she’s supposed to be hallucinating, in which case I’d expect Spike to be more concerned about her mental health. Thus, what is likely supposed to be a punchline at the end doesn’t work for me.
I'll start with a little writing note: you use a lot of proper nouns in this story. When you've got two female characters having a conversation, it can be hard to avoid using names for clarity too often, but in just 646 words, you wrote "Trixie" 22 times, and "Starlight" 19. That's [EDIT: Did nobody notice I borked the math? Thank goodness; that would've been embarrassing! Math is now fix'd] more than one out of every 20 words you've written, dedicated just to their names!
As far as the idea goes, this seems like it's got potential to be sweet, but feels too insubstantial to me right now. Because of the way this was introduced (big invasion, the real Trixie has been kidnapped, etc.), I never really empathized with the changeling. It's a very sad anecdote, fine, but it kind of pales in comparison to the stakes you established at the start. Couple that with the way the story just sort of... ends, without reaching any particular denouement, and I wasn't really able to engage with this.
When you revise, ask yourself: what is the purpose of this fic? What should the reader take away from it, beyond a list of the events? Is it "changelings are people, too?" Is it "a little compassion can defuse a disaster in the making?" Is it something else entirely? Whatever it is you want to communicate, make sure your whole fic is pulling in that direction. I think a lot of my comments from the second paragraph will solve themselves if you get this whole fic all working towards your key idea.
As far as the idea goes, this seems like it's got potential to be sweet, but feels too insubstantial to me right now. Because of the way this was introduced (big invasion, the real Trixie has been kidnapped, etc.), I never really empathized with the changeling. It's a very sad anecdote, fine, but it kind of pales in comparison to the stakes you established at the start. Couple that with the way the story just sort of... ends, without reaching any particular denouement, and I wasn't really able to engage with this.
When you revise, ask yourself: what is the purpose of this fic? What should the reader take away from it, beyond a list of the events? Is it "changelings are people, too?" Is it "a little compassion can defuse a disaster in the making?" Is it something else entirely? Whatever it is you want to communicate, make sure your whole fic is pulling in that direction. I think a lot of my comments from the second paragraph will solve themselves if you get this whole fic all working towards your key idea.
This is certainly a well written piece, and is probably going to appeal to a sizable number of people. Alas, I don't think I'm among that number.
Interesting premise, solid execution. That's about all I can really say on this one really. Thanks for sharing your work!
Interesting premise, solid execution. That's about all I can really say on this one really. Thanks for sharing your work!
I'm with >>Chryssi on this one. It seems you wanted to say too much things for a MiniFic. However, the main problem is the scenes switching. I'll try to explain what bothered me.
The first paragraphs give us context and I thought you were setting your scene in the school during a recess. But then, without any warning, you switch to a dialog between Fluttershy and her parents.
Okay, so the setting is in Fluttershy's house. But then, you switch back to a dialog between Fluttershy and Bumble Bee.
So we're back to school. But then, again, we go back to Fluttershy and her parents.
Why didn't you use something to show that the setting had changed? If you couldn't allow yourself to use words, try using some ***** next time because without any warning, I couldn't settle my mind with the setting and I just got confused.
Also,
That's really telly and doesn't seem necessary for your story to work. It also felt like a poor way to say there was no chance to arrange the situation.
And,
It seems that you didn't watch season six, episode 11. Her dad was working at the weather factory. Now I know that it doesn't prevent him from being a 'wonderful' flyer as you said but since both Fluttershy's parents looks as shy as their daughter, I can't really picture him as a 'wonderful' flyer. A decent one, maybe a good one but not a wonderful one.
That's nitpicking and, in fact, I could read a story which doesn't strictly follow the show, but these kind of stories need room, and they use it to detail how they differ from the show, something that you, and every other author for this round and every other MiniFic pony round, don't have.
I may have sounded harsh but I still want to offer some encouragements. Chryssi is right, rework it and with thousands words more, I'm pretty sure you will end with a great story. Your premise is good and interesting, it's up to you to make it shine.
The first paragraphs give us context and I thought you were setting your scene in the school during a recess. But then, without any warning, you switch to a dialog between Fluttershy and her parents.
But the worst of the worst was Bumble Bee, the brawny colt who kept poking fun at her with his “Fluttershy, Fluttershy, Fluttershy can barely fly!”
“You must be stronger than him,” Mum said. “The more he sees you’re vulnerable, the more he will pick on you.”
Okay, so the setting is in Fluttershy's house. But then, you switch back to a dialog between Fluttershy and Bumble Bee.
Mum came to her and hug her tight, so tight she could feel her heart beating.
“You’re jealous,” Fluttershy spat back. “That’s why you keep bullying me. Mum said.”
So we're back to school. But then, again, we go back to Fluttershy and her parents.
Helpless, Fluttershy watched him hedge-hop away.
“Why can’t I become a Wonderbolt, too?” Fluttershy asked, her muzzle deep into her plate.
Why didn't you use something to show that the setting had changed? If you couldn't allow yourself to use words, try using some ***** next time because without any warning, I couldn't settle my mind with the setting and I just got confused.
Also,
Besides, his family was influent in Cloudsdale, and the headmistress seemed reluctant to take any measure that could backfire and jeopardise her school.
That's really telly and doesn't seem necessary for your story to work. It also felt like a poor way to say there was no chance to arrange the situation.
And,
But you’ll grow too, and become a wonderful flyer like your Dad is.
It seems that you didn't watch season six, episode 11. Her dad was working at the weather factory. Now I know that it doesn't prevent him from being a 'wonderful' flyer as you said but since both Fluttershy's parents looks as shy as their daughter, I can't really picture him as a 'wonderful' flyer. A decent one, maybe a good one but not a wonderful one.
That's nitpicking and, in fact, I could read a story which doesn't strictly follow the show, but these kind of stories need room, and they use it to detail how they differ from the show, something that you, and every other author for this round and every other MiniFic pony round, don't have.
I may have sounded harsh but I still want to offer some encouragements. Chryssi is right, rework it and with thousands words more, I'm pretty sure you will end with a great story. Your premise is good and interesting, it's up to you to make it shine.
I can't add much to what others have already said: The last section is disjointed from the beginning because the connection is not clear at all. Pinkie Pie also does seem a little 'out of character' here and there.
Last: Only cliffs face the tempest. Are you referring to everypony running away to safety in the caverns, rather than staying to fight an un-winable battle? Or that it was better for them to wait for rescue, trapped in the caverns, than to dig themselves out of a mountain of rubble?
And a bit non-sequitur, but thanks for reminding me of the PMV The Garden, one of my absolute favorite PMVs.
Capoeira que é bom não cai
Mas se um dia ele cai, cai bem
A good capoeirista never falls,
but if one day he falls, he falls well.
Last: Only cliffs face the tempest. Are you referring to everypony running away to safety in the caverns, rather than staying to fight an un-winable battle? Or that it was better for them to wait for rescue, trapped in the caverns, than to dig themselves out of a mountain of rubble?
And a bit non-sequitur, but thanks for reminding me of the PMV The Garden, one of my absolute favorite PMVs.
Capoeira que é bom não cai
Mas se um dia ele cai, cai bem
A good capoeirista never falls,
but if one day he falls, he falls well.
This is beautiful in many ways, but I think it would've been better served as original fiction; there's nothing here that would really need to be changed beyond the hooves-->feet level stuff, and it would make the death toll and cursing feel more natural. Those elements aren't really detractions in this work as written (which is why I don't say "this isn't a ponyfic"), but my point is that they'd fit better in original fiction. Beyond that, this is a sweet, melancholy snapshot that does a great job of drawing an emotional reaction from the reader without feeling cheap. Good work!
I was a little nonplussed to read >>CoffeeMinion and >>Chris's interpretations, because this doesn't seem like a joke to me at all. I read it as a serious piece on the difference in time perception between alicorns and mortal ponies, even though the Luna in this story handles it in a particularly oblivious fashion (which seems quite OOC to canon, but interesting as something she might slip into by accident from time to time—maybe there's some very gradual decay going on? Or lingering damage from her banishment?).
I suppose some things could point toward it being a joke, like the flat questions and the commaless vocatives in the second section, but they feel more like linguistic anomalies to me (and should probably be taken out if it's meant to be serious). I do appreciate the repetitiveness in the first section for tone-setting, and the abbreviated back-and-forth in the second section. I think that's part of what tilts my interpretation: the text feels like it's mimicking the sort of memory that would be adapted to seeing entire chains of descendants as continuous. Things that would normally be highly varied at shorter timescales blur together into single tone-clusters.
(But I can be incredibly biased on this sort of topic.)
If this does actually want to go the serious route, I would want to see more extrapolation of the causes and consequences of this behavioral pattern, maybe especially as it relates to Luna's effectiveness at ruling. There's a number of places this could go, really, but the current story doesn't take it any of those places; it jumps from one scene to a scene thousands of years later and covers only the basic connection between them. It could possibly have covered more ground at the expense of tone, but I don't know if that would have been better in a minific context.
Other quibbles: the quotation mark characters are inconsistent, and I don't understand the application of the reversed proverb at the end.
I suppose some things could point toward it being a joke, like the flat questions and the commaless vocatives in the second section, but they feel more like linguistic anomalies to me (and should probably be taken out if it's meant to be serious). I do appreciate the repetitiveness in the first section for tone-setting, and the abbreviated back-and-forth in the second section. I think that's part of what tilts my interpretation: the text feels like it's mimicking the sort of memory that would be adapted to seeing entire chains of descendants as continuous. Things that would normally be highly varied at shorter timescales blur together into single tone-clusters.
(But I can be incredibly biased on this sort of topic.)
If this does actually want to go the serious route, I would want to see more extrapolation of the causes and consequences of this behavioral pattern, maybe especially as it relates to Luna's effectiveness at ruling. There's a number of places this could go, really, but the current story doesn't take it any of those places; it jumps from one scene to a scene thousands of years later and covers only the basic connection between them. It could possibly have covered more ground at the expense of tone, but I don't know if that would have been better in a minific context.
Other quibbles: the quotation mark characters are inconsistent, and I don't understand the application of the reversed proverb at the end.
Whoa... this is on so many levels. Like, is Figment even real? Or did Changelings get him? Or something worse?
Tier: Strong.
Tier: Strong.
I won't be able to read and review anything until Tuesday (final grades are due Monday midnight).
Agreed with the confusion at the beginning. It comes across as angry to me, which made it difficult to switch gears later.
I also noticed the odd phrasing, such as 'frantic mood only developed as time passed with the ticking clocks' and 'that alignment of words' it wouldn't hurt to have a more in-depth edit pass to iron out some of these.
I liked the use of body language, and the characterization and emotions seemed sound enough. it's a weighty topic that's being covered, and Celestia bringing her to the other side isn't my usual fare, but it didn't really bother me, either. To each their own headcanon.
In the end the story suffered more from mechanics, and the disjunciton I felt from the first part.
I also noticed the odd phrasing, such as 'frantic mood only developed as time passed with the ticking clocks' and 'that alignment of words' it wouldn't hurt to have a more in-depth edit pass to iron out some of these.
I liked the use of body language, and the characterization and emotions seemed sound enough. it's a weighty topic that's being covered, and Celestia bringing her to the other side isn't my usual fare, but it didn't really bother me, either. To each their own headcanon.
In the end the story suffered more from mechanics, and the disjunciton I felt from the first part.
There's a potentially potent theme underlying this story, but as with Xepher, I was confused by some of the cues in this story. The hints that Celestia was caught in a compromising situation completely color the first scene, but that doesn't end up tying into anything.
In a way, this may be more realistic to have something unrelated in the mix, but as a reader it's unusual, and in a writeoff, you have so few words that it's dangerous to spend any on things that don't advance the plot. if the threads had tied back together, such that Celestia's bedroom actions were relevant to Luna's situation, then there would have been more narrative payoff.
Other than that, the story was decent; voicing, characterization and dialog didn't raise any flags. The plot just threw me a curveball.
In a way, this may be more realistic to have something unrelated in the mix, but as a reader it's unusual, and in a writeoff, you have so few words that it's dangerous to spend any on things that don't advance the plot. if the threads had tied back together, such that Celestia's bedroom actions were relevant to Luna's situation, then there would have been more narrative payoff.
Other than that, the story was decent; voicing, characterization and dialog didn't raise any flags. The plot just threw me a curveball.
Genre: What Can Change The Nature Of A Man Giant Weird Centaur Thingy?
Thoughts: My #1 impression is that there's some darn good fanfiction going on in here. We get presentations of Tirek and Celestia that feel spot-on, as well as world building that's creepy (in the good way) and effective, as well as a scenario that seems tailor-made to showcase both Celestia's and Tirek's depth of character. The ending is perfect and I don't want to spoil it even though I really want to spoil it.
Uhh, quibbles and nitpicks?
... I got nothing.
Tier: Top Contender
Thoughts: My #1 impression is that there's some darn good fanfiction going on in here. We get presentations of Tirek and Celestia that feel spot-on, as well as world building that's creepy (in the good way) and effective, as well as a scenario that seems tailor-made to showcase both Celestia's and Tirek's depth of character. The ending is perfect and I don't want to spoil it even though I really want to spoil it.
Uhh, quibbles and nitpicks?
... I got nothing.
Tier: Top Contender
A simple setting, but I got a good sense of place out of it. Good characterization - the boulder / Maude approach made for an interesting way to explore her thoughts. Seemed grammatically clean, with good pacing.
It didn't really hit me with any huge whammies, but all the various bits worked as intended.
It didn't really hit me with any huge whammies, but all the various bits worked as intended.
This one had its moments, but overall I'm not that big a fan of the metafiction thing or of cringe humor, so this kinda hit two different 'meh' spots for me at once.
On the plus side, I have to give credit for being well written and having a central idea that doesn't take itself (or the fandom) too seriously.
On the plus side, I have to give credit for being well written and having a central idea that doesn't take itself (or the fandom) too seriously.
I felt engaged while I was reading it, but by the end, didn't feel like I'd gone anywhere.
This story revolves around a conflict that's either totally inconsequential, or extraordinarily subtle about its import in the grand scheme of things. If it's the former, I guess the story's good for what it is. If it's the latter, I think we need a little more of a hint. I feel like there might be just the faintest touch of something there, in the last three paragraphs or so, but it's really hard to tell since it could just as plausibly be nothing more than my own mind wanting to superimpose my own speculative interpretation(s).
This story revolves around a conflict that's either totally inconsequential, or extraordinarily subtle about its import in the grand scheme of things. If it's the former, I guess the story's good for what it is. If it's the latter, I think we need a little more of a hint. I feel like there might be just the faintest touch of something there, in the last three paragraphs or so, but it's really hard to tell since it could just as plausibly be nothing more than my own mind wanting to superimpose my own speculative interpretation(s).
I haven't much more to offer here. The first part is good but the second needs to more tied to the first in order to make the 'twist' works better.
Like >>GroaningGreyAgony said, with a little polish, this fic can become great.
Like >>GroaningGreyAgony said, with a little polish, this fic can become great.
Why? Why didn't you save this for a non pony round?
All my praises for the story are exactly what >>Xepher said. Very clever premise that you delivered without getting me confused. The superpower is explained right at the beginning and the rest of the story just shows us how it works in a real situation.
The story is excellent but because it's not ponies, I'll have to rank it very low and that makes me sad.
However, I wonder if you did this on purpose, not writing about ponies and implicitly asking your reader to ignore that fact.
All my praises for the story are exactly what >>Xepher said. Very clever premise that you delivered without getting me confused. The superpower is explained right at the beginning and the rest of the story just shows us how it works in a real situation.
The story is excellent but because it's not ponies, I'll have to rank it very low and that makes me sad.
However, I wonder if you did this on purpose, not writing about ponies and implicitly asking your reader to ignore that fact.
Interesting, I like it.
Seeing that some of the mane six didn't instantly celebrate their new friendship with Twilight Sparkle is an intriguing concept and one you managed to keep consistent, especially by choosing Rainbow Dash to carry that weight. It is very in-character for her in my opinion and moreover, the last sentences reconnect your story to the fact that Rainbow Dash did stay in Ponyville and did become best friend with Twilight.
A bit of jealousy which fit perfectly for the begining of their friendship.
So, a very strong story with a solid writing and great voices. If it doesn't end up as a top contender, it will surely be a very hugh mid-tier.
Seeing that some of the mane six didn't instantly celebrate their new friendship with Twilight Sparkle is an intriguing concept and one you managed to keep consistent, especially by choosing Rainbow Dash to carry that weight. It is very in-character for her in my opinion and moreover, the last sentences reconnect your story to the fact that Rainbow Dash did stay in Ponyville and did become best friend with Twilight.
Rainbow Dash’s scowl deepened, and she stopped herself pointing out that Fluttershy was supposed to be her best friend not Applejack’s.
A bit of jealousy which fit perfectly for the begining of their friendship.
So, a very strong story with a solid writing and great voices. If it doesn't end up as a top contender, it will surely be a very hugh mid-tier.
Ooh, bookends! Yes! +50 gazillion points for that alone.
I think this story would benefit from some more polish—there's an occasional roughness to it that's at odds with the (at surface level, at least) serenity of the scene, and a little more dynamism would have brought Rarity's conflict into sharper focus. As it stands, the internal monologue captures the nature of that conflict well, but I do the think the reader would benefit from seeing its weight on Rarity a little more.
Those points aside, I enjoyed this story. Rarity's attempted resolution of this conflict felt very realistic—I could certainly relate to it at any rate—and that realism really grounded the prompt in a believable way. I think that there's always a desire, when faced with a difficult choice, to find a way to keep time at bay, or a moment in stasis, so that everything stays perfect and fine and safe.
I also thought her central worry was very in-keeping with her character, and it was nice to see some of that conflict back from the earlier days of the show.
The writing was pretty evocative and thoughtful for the most part, although there were one or two paragraphs where I felt you tied yourself up in metaphors and introspection, and clarity suffered as a result. These moments were few and far between though.
Thanks for sharing your work. I expect this to feature reasonably high on my slate.
I think this story would benefit from some more polish—there's an occasional roughness to it that's at odds with the (at surface level, at least) serenity of the scene, and a little more dynamism would have brought Rarity's conflict into sharper focus. As it stands, the internal monologue captures the nature of that conflict well, but I do the think the reader would benefit from seeing its weight on Rarity a little more.
Those points aside, I enjoyed this story. Rarity's attempted resolution of this conflict felt very realistic—I could certainly relate to it at any rate—and that realism really grounded the prompt in a believable way. I think that there's always a desire, when faced with a difficult choice, to find a way to keep time at bay, or a moment in stasis, so that everything stays perfect and fine and safe.
I also thought her central worry was very in-keeping with her character, and it was nice to see some of that conflict back from the earlier days of the show.
The writing was pretty evocative and thoughtful for the most part, although there were one or two paragraphs where I felt you tied yourself up in metaphors and introspection, and clarity suffered as a result. These moments were few and far between though.
Thanks for sharing your work. I expect this to feature reasonably high on my slate.
Not bad as fluff, though I agree that the last entry should've been signed.
Casually dropping the term "mind rape" was jarring, with the rest of the tone so casual.
It's not clear to me what Twilight's motivation was. Did she just forget, or get too busy, or did something get awkward and stay that way, or what? Maybe that doesn't matter here.
Casually dropping the term "mind rape" was jarring, with the rest of the tone so casual.
It's not clear to me what Twilight's motivation was. Did she just forget, or get too busy, or did something get awkward and stay that way, or what? Maybe that doesn't matter here.
A few extra things: if the last entry was actually meant to be cut off in a hurry, there should be some other indication of that. And the title also really doesn't match in tone; it implies something much… goofier? More provocative? I'm not sure what word goes best there.
Edit: Oh, I see what the title is referencing now. You know, that actually fits and might bump this story up a step or two.
Edit: Oh, I see what the title is referencing now. You know, that actually fits and might bump this story up a step or two.
The puns are mostly strong in themselves, though the last one is disjointed; there's no explanation of how the "it's possible to be overnice" fit into anything that happened. The overall construction is too over-the-top and goofy for my taste, but it can work for what it is. Turning it into a longer shaggy dog story could be interesting.
What's Geltbaum's reagent, and why isn't Twilight following better lab safety protocol?
What's Geltbaum's reagent, and why isn't Twilight following better lab safety protocol?
I won't say something new, the beginning is very confusing (see above why).
As for the rest of the story, it is good, despite some awkward phrasing. With a bit of polishing, I'm sure you can end up with a solid story for FimFic.
As for the rest of the story, it is good, despite some awkward phrasing. With a bit of polishing, I'm sure you can end up with a solid story for FimFic.
I almost didn't read this because it was out of the domain of the round.
My first reaction is that if they're in a universe with superhero-comic-style mind control available, they should be able to hypnotize this person into not really paying conscious attention to anything, and thus being invulnerable and doing everything by blindsight, but that would break the premise, so…
The tone of the description is very appropriate, and I like the way the superheroic meaning is contrasted with the emotional meaning at the end.
My first reaction is that if they're in a universe with superhero-comic-style mind control available, they should be able to hypnotize this person into not really paying conscious attention to anything, and thus being invulnerable and doing everything by blindsight, but that would break the premise, so…
The tone of the description is very appropriate, and I like the way the superheroic meaning is contrasted with the emotional meaning at the end.
>>Chris has pretty much said everything. That's not your fault these subjects have already been covered too many times but it's not something we, as readers, can ignore.
However, your writing is quite good and solid so i think with a new take on these subjects or something new to add to your story, you can have smth better than what you have here.
However, your writing is quite good and solid so i think with a new take on these subjects or something new to add to your story, you can have smth better than what you have here.
This is very in tone with the show, good job for that. A very cute little story, without a doubt.
I agree with >>Ceffyl_Dwr about Twilight not dealing with the ghost but you couldn't really waste words to come up with a rationnal explanation and, moreover, suspension of disbelief works for this short story.
Since a large part of the fandom started to hate Starlight, I started to like her in response, so everytime someone spends words to celebrate her, I automatically like it.
If you ever decide to expand this and publish on FimFic, drop me a link here or on Discord, I would be happy to read it.
I agree with >>Ceffyl_Dwr about Twilight not dealing with the ghost but you couldn't really waste words to come up with a rationnal explanation and, moreover, suspension of disbelief works for this short story.
Since a large part of the fandom started to hate Starlight, I started to like her in response, so everytime someone spends words to celebrate her, I automatically like it.
If you ever decide to expand this and publish on FimFic, drop me a link here or on Discord, I would be happy to read it.
>>Light_Striker
I don't know, there are some lines in here that I struggle to interpret as anything but comedy. Consider exchanges like this:
Or this:
Now with that said, I think this could be steered toward greater seriousness if that's the goal. But the word choice would need to look different for me to get there.
I don't know, there are some lines in here that I struggle to interpret as anything but comedy. Consider exchanges like this:
"Oh, my apologies. I was dozing off.” She offered the widow a warm smile. “What were we talking about?”
“You killed my husband!”
“Ah.” Luna nodded. “Yes. I suppose that was bound to be the topic.”
Or this:
“Luna, that is completely wrong, you can’t—”
“Such is the burden of an immortal.”
“Luna. Luna, no.”
“Such is the weight we carry.”
“Luna, for the love of—”
Now with that said, I think this could be steered toward greater seriousness if that's the goal. But the word choice would need to look different for me to get there.
Gummi's voice works well here, though it took me surprisingly long to realize who it actually was.
Weird nitpicks: "the volume of the fire cubed" fell on its face for me specifically because the dimensional analysis doesn't work out and it slides back from "cartoon nonsense" into "bland mistake" territory in impression. If you'd said "a nine-dimensional barn" it would've worked though. Or "a six-dimensional barn", if you like the alternative implication. The quantum yawning and the star carpet work better in context, but the yawn differential idea gets too disjoint because it leaves variables dangling: which stars, which days?
Too heavy on the prompt in the last line; I think it'd do better with something more implicit.
"a pinch of chaos is the catalyst of a learned mind.": yes.
Weird nitpicks: "the volume of the fire cubed" fell on its face for me specifically because the dimensional analysis doesn't work out and it slides back from "cartoon nonsense" into "bland mistake" territory in impression. If you'd said "a nine-dimensional barn" it would've worked though. Or "a six-dimensional barn", if you like the alternative implication. The quantum yawning and the star carpet work better in context, but the yawn differential idea gets too disjoint because it leaves variables dangling: which stars, which days?
Too heavy on the prompt in the last line; I think it'd do better with something more implicit.
"a pinch of chaos is the catalyst of a learned mind.": yes.
Now this was nice. Brief, not quite to the point, clear enough to get it but mysterious enough to keep me wondering. One has to ask: is it just this town? Or is it far more than that?
Nice and atmospheric, interesting concept, enough mystery to keep it in mind afterwords. Much approval from me.
Nice and atmospheric, interesting concept, enough mystery to keep it in mind afterwords. Much approval from me.
>>CoffeeMinion Interesting. For what it's worth, the former reads to me as "just what would happen if her immortal-to-mortal social filters had been disabled" and the latter reads to me with Celestia's voice likely being more horrified, as though she'd seen this happen before and were trying to pull it back before it could happen again. Which arguably is what happened in the story.
The line that gives the most impression of joke-intent to me if I squint rather than skipping over the blip as incongruous is:
Mainly because of the tone implied by the lack of a question mark.
The line that gives the most impression of joke-intent to me if I squint rather than skipping over the blip as incongruous is:
“No. No, they never—you keep forgetting this. How do you keep forgetting this.”
Mainly because of the tone implied by the lack of a question mark.
The use of "statues" at first is jarring, because they sound like literal statues.
There are some grating grammatical errors and flow issues, like the comma splice here:
Or the way
is a separate paragraph even though it's still Starlight talking.
I like the premise, and I like Pinkie's motivation, but the dialogue voices are kind of inconsistent. Especially the last line doesn't seem like something Maud would say (especially about Boulder).
There are some grating grammatical errors and flow issues, like the comma splice here:
Pinkie screamed again, voice cracking and coarse, both mares’ manes flailed helplessly in the frosting-scented breeze as the grating sound shook the very crystal of the bedroom.
Or the way
"I’ll never smile again," she muttered to herself.
is a separate paragraph even though it's still Starlight talking.
I like the premise, and I like Pinkie's motivation, but the dialogue voices are kind of inconsistent. Especially the last line doesn't seem like something Maud would say (especially about Boulder).
I love the premise, and the characterization of Discord as the POV character with his inner monologue. And the ending's implication of "it's only a matter of time until" comes through with skill. It took a too-long moment to figure out who was speaking; it became clear soon enough to not throw off the story, though.
Some quibbles:
Which tea again?
It's probably better not to switch person here.
The surrounding letters led me to initially treat the "qu" as "k"-pronounced, ruining the embedding.
Some quibbles:
the tea is now a pigeon
Which tea again?
and I’ll … you’ve ever conceived!
It's probably better not to switch person here.
Kilequinjaro
The surrounding letters led me to initially treat the "qu" as "k"-pronounced, ruining the embedding.
I... don't know what to do with this one.
You have a solid writing and a nice pace. As >>Ceffyl_Dwr mentionned, the story and the backstory are well balanced to make this works. Moreover, the alternation of narration in the first part is well handled.
My main problem is with the 'four dozen battle-axe wielding bunnies'. I can't help it but find that cute and funny while I'm pretty sure that wasn't your intention and that you aimed for a much darker tone. I just can't, picturing cute little bunnies holding battle-axes with their tiny little paws just makes me laugh. And I don't know how you could have avoided that. Choosing a more wild animals wouldn't have worked because Angel is the closest animal to Fluttershy.
All in all, an excellent story with a solid writing but which failed to completely work for me because of the bunny thing, something you don't have control over.
You have a solid writing and a nice pace. As >>Ceffyl_Dwr mentionned, the story and the backstory are well balanced to make this works. Moreover, the alternation of narration in the first part is well handled.
My main problem is with the 'four dozen battle-axe wielding bunnies'. I can't help it but find that cute and funny while I'm pretty sure that wasn't your intention and that you aimed for a much darker tone. I just can't, picturing cute little bunnies holding battle-axes with their tiny little paws just makes me laugh. And I don't know how you could have avoided that. Choosing a more wild animals wouldn't have worked because Angel is the closest animal to Fluttershy.
All in all, an excellent story with a solid writing but which failed to completely work for me because of the bunny thing, something you don't have control over.
The base quality of flow and prose is really good. I don't agree with most of what >>Fenton thought were problems here; I love the balance of emotion in this one. If it were on my slate it probably would have been on top. The way Applejack gets almost-sidetracked and then brings it in as an allegory, the way she hasn't hugged many winged ponies before and doesn't quite know what to do with them, the pairing of describing thought and describing speech and action, all the textural touches.
There is some missing context, yes, but I don't think it would have worked to put it in in a minific, and it might be best left to the reader anyway. Waiting to tell Applejack and then being so calm about it in the conversation itself might be a stretch for one of Twilight's anxiety responses, since she tends more to high-intelligence low-wisdom whirlwinds of action when off guard, but I think it's believable, especially if there's delay in the detection in the first place, or if it's an older Twilight who's had more time to settle into alicorn-level responsibilities and is more savvy about keeping quiet about things that might cause scandals.
There is some missing context, yes, but I don't think it would have worked to put it in in a minific, and it might be best left to the reader anyway. Waiting to tell Applejack and then being so calm about it in the conversation itself might be a stretch for one of Twilight's anxiety responses, since she tends more to high-intelligence low-wisdom whirlwinds of action when off guard, but I think it's believable, especially if there's delay in the detection in the first place, or if it's an older Twilight who's had more time to settle into alicorn-level responsibilities and is more savvy about keeping quiet about things that might cause scandals.
Meh. The execution is passable, but the overblown bits kind of ruin it. Too many exclamation marks, too much all-caps, and this:
is complete narm with the exclamation mark at the end. Twilight would have noticed the meter being completely helter-skelter much earlier than that, and the overall premise just doesn't work for me at all. Maybe if it were part of a series of hallucinations in a larger work, but not by itself.
Twilight Velvet said nothing, only offered a grave nod as her response, which caused her daughter to burst into tears!
is complete narm with the exclamation mark at the end. Twilight would have noticed the meter being completely helter-skelter much earlier than that, and the overall premise just doesn't work for me at all. Maybe if it were part of a series of hallucinations in a larger work, but not by itself.
That was gross and very uncomfortable. If it was your goal, then good job but I don't like to read words about horse penises, especially when they are very descriptive (I have a vivid imagination and that didn't help here).
I guess you were aiming for guys' reluctance to talk about their penises' problem. I wouldn't have minded it if, like I said, we didn't have the full details. Maybe I got that feeling because I'm not really comfortable about the topic. I clearly don't talk about it with friends but I don't have any problem to talk about it with a doctor.
So that will be a no for me. Still in mid-tier because of the solid writing and some good sentences like this one
I guess you were aiming for guys' reluctance to talk about their penises' problem. I wouldn't have minded it if, like I said, we didn't have the full details. Maybe I got that feeling because I'm not really comfortable about the topic. I clearly don't talk about it with friends but I don't have any problem to talk about it with a doctor.
So that will be a no for me. Still in mid-tier because of the solid writing and some good sentences like this one
"A-hem," said Spoiled Rich. "We're both Rich, so try not to get us mixed up, okay? My husband is Filthy."
Pinkie Pie is just the sort of pony who'd do capoeira. I don't know if she'd normally tease Limestone quite like that, but the interplay between their characters is great, and the idea that she'd do that to get everypony in on it to increase their chance of being saved using a combination of dancing and laughter is very in-character. (So is her response to the idea of clapping!)
The sudden presence of a royal guard feels a bit weird.
The connection to the last scene is pretty weak, though it's possible to see from the connection between beats and checking for vibrations. I don't understand what the proverb is supposed to refer to, either. All in all, pretty solid.
Edited to add: I should also note that the rhythm of the text feels like it matches the topic. That's pretty impressive.
The sudden presence of a royal guard feels a bit weird.
The connection to the last scene is pretty weak, though it's possible to see from the connection between beats and checking for vibrations. I don't understand what the proverb is supposed to refer to, either. All in all, pretty solid.
Edited to add: I should also note that the rhythm of the text feels like it matches the topic. That's pretty impressive.
Okay, I can get behind the execution of this one, though the last lines of the ad get pretty repetitive. I'm not nearly as much a fan of the idea itself, which overstays its welcome at about a third the length. I feel like it's more casual conversation material than fiction-writing material (though one section of this embedded in a larger work could really spice it up).
What's the connection to the prompt, though?
What's the connection to the prompt, though?
It's simple and straightforward and technically competent, but I feel like there's not much there. It's mostly just a predictable joke, which wasn't funny enough to be compelling to me.
Ehhhh. Maybe?
The technical quality is sound. The premise is intriguing, and the broad emotional arc and characterization come through passably. But there's a lot of gaps in the narrative structure. The text just doesn't really justify what's going on: there's a lot of motivation left dangling, and the picture around the edges is incoherent. The sudden turnaround at the end doesn't exactly come out of nowhere, but it comes out of not enough somewhere.
Text-wise: that's a lot of proper names for one-off characters. I don't know how to feel about that. Hiding the direct quote of the prompt in the middle of dialogue kinda-works, but it might be better to figure out how to write around it.
The technical quality is sound. The premise is intriguing, and the broad emotional arc and characterization come through passably. But there's a lot of gaps in the narrative structure. The text just doesn't really justify what's going on: there's a lot of motivation left dangling, and the picture around the edges is incoherent. The sudden turnaround at the end doesn't exactly come out of nowhere, but it comes out of not enough somewhere.
Text-wise: that's a lot of proper names for one-off characters. I don't know how to feel about that. Hiding the direct quote of the prompt in the middle of dialogue kinda-works, but it might be better to figure out how to write around it.
Hmm, nice premise but weird execution and doesn't really go anywhere. Several annoying textual errors. (And "Cantergrade" is not my favorite construction, sorry.)
Why doesn't Twilight just squash the demon bugs flat? Why did a powerful and talented mage hide from the demons and let them just get away? Surely she can't have known that they were going to just sit there. What happened to the coordinates to Tartarus; why aren't they in the royal archives or something? There's a lot of stuff missing, and it feels like the arc ends halfway through. It could be made to work with significant reworking of the details, maybe.
Why doesn't Twilight just squash the demon bugs flat? Why did a powerful and talented mage hide from the demons and let them just get away? Surely she can't have known that they were going to just sit there. What happened to the coordinates to Tartarus; why aren't they in the royal archives or something? There's a lot of stuff missing, and it feels like the arc ends halfway through. It could be made to work with significant reworking of the details, maybe.
Yay for Underappreciated Sidekick Filly! I've never actually read a story about how these two met, which makes this oddly novel for me (especially considering it's bound to have been done a dozen times or so).
I think the opening could be a bit... clearer? I thought the beginning was about her having to go all the way to Ponyville from Manehattan for classes (which sounds ridiculous to me, but some people do use it). It wasn't until about halfway through that I realized this wasn't the case.
I think the opening could be a bit... clearer? I thought the beginning was about her having to go all the way to Ponyville from Manehattan for classes (which sounds ridiculous to me, but some people do use it). It wasn't until about halfway through that I realized this wasn't the case.
Well, huh. I don't know.
The tidbits of characterization add a lot of flavor to this story. The detailed description, well, maybe. In a sense it feels necessary, but in another sense it feels like it doesn't fit. Maybe that means the structure is best approached from another angle? (Cadence in A Minor did the "vivid biological description necessary to the plot" really well.)
I like the interplay between the characters in the more social bits, and there are some really nice lines here and there: "Must say, I envy your wife's demeanor", for instance.
The tidbits of characterization add a lot of flavor to this story. The detailed description, well, maybe. In a sense it feels necessary, but in another sense it feels like it doesn't fit. Maybe that means the structure is best approached from another angle? (Cadence in A Minor did the "vivid biological description necessary to the plot" really well.)
I like the interplay between the characters in the more social bits, and there are some really nice lines here and there: "Must say, I envy your wife's demeanor", for instance.
Genre: Woo, not a preenfic.
Thoughts: This ended up being rather charming for me. I had a few structural quibbles: there were a few missed commas, and I really wanted to see some [ hr ] breaks, as they would've eased the transitions. But really the only bit that threw me was Rainbow's line (and associated action) about traditions near the end; it feels like an out-of-place moment of aggression sandwiched between her being a helpful and understanding (albeit pranksy) friend. And unfortunately it comes near the end, so there's not much room to steer the mood back on course. The rest of it was good though.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: This ended up being rather charming for me. I had a few structural quibbles: there were a few missed commas, and I really wanted to see some [ hr ] breaks, as they would've eased the transitions. But really the only bit that threw me was Rainbow's line (and associated action) about traditions near the end; it feels like an out-of-place moment of aggression sandwiched between her being a helpful and understanding (albeit pranksy) friend. And unfortunately it comes near the end, so there's not much room to steer the mood back on course. The rest of it was good though.
Tier: Almost There
Genre: Close Encounters Of The Meta Kind
Thoughts: Between Lyra being curious about humans, and the human being a card-carrying Brony stereotype, and the meeting at a spaghettiincident place... the meta is strong with this one, and I believe the intent here is pretty clearly toward comedy.
But I would submit that some of the best comedy tends to bring either a roundabout depth to its message, or sufficient absurdity to to make the reader put their nitpicks aside. And while I don't want to be discouraging, I fear this doesn't do either of those things for me. I don't see a takeaway other than that Lyra should leave well enough alone, and while I can acknowledge the stereotypes being invoked here, I feel like they're being played too straight to count as absurdity per se. And I say that from the perspective of having aimed at cringe absurdity with a story last year that backfired because it hewed too close to reality to do much more than remind people of that reality. (That story eventually cleaned up alright, but it was completely unrecognizable by the end.)
I'd say that this is a structurally functional beginning for a sendup of various fandom tropes and stereotypes (somewhat echoing >>Winston). What it needs IMO is to venture out on its own a little more, leaning less on the intrinsic (or not) humor of the most established tropes and giving us more of its own message.
Tier: Needs Work
Thoughts: Between Lyra being curious about humans, and the human being a card-carrying Brony stereotype, and the meeting at a spaghetti
But I would submit that some of the best comedy tends to bring either a roundabout depth to its message, or sufficient absurdity to to make the reader put their nitpicks aside. And while I don't want to be discouraging, I fear this doesn't do either of those things for me. I don't see a takeaway other than that Lyra should leave well enough alone, and while I can acknowledge the stereotypes being invoked here, I feel like they're being played too straight to count as absurdity per se. And I say that from the perspective of having aimed at cringe absurdity with a story last year that backfired because it hewed too close to reality to do much more than remind people of that reality. (That story eventually cleaned up alright, but it was completely unrecognizable by the end.)
I'd say that this is a structurally functional beginning for a sendup of various fandom tropes and stereotypes (somewhat echoing >>Winston). What it needs IMO is to venture out on its own a little more, leaning less on the intrinsic (or not) humor of the most established tropes and giving us more of its own message.
Tier: Needs Work
Achingly beautiful in theme and prose, but I agree with the esteemed >>Chris. I don't think there's much here that makes it an intrinsically MLP story, save mentions of hooves and horse-nouns and Celestia's sun.
I want to put this at the top of my slate, but I think that fact is holding it back. It's constrained by the author trying to make it an MLP fic, when, really, it isn't one.
I want to put this at the top of my slate, but I think that fact is holding it back. It's constrained by the author trying to make it an MLP fic, when, really, it isn't one.
Genre: Don't Go Looking For Human Shimmer
Thoughts: My attempt to write a review that differs in any material way from >>Xepher has failed. Story is both good and heavy, with an opening bit that looks cliche but an ending bit that hits hard.
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: My attempt to write a review that differs in any material way from >>Xepher has failed. Story is both good and heavy, with an opening bit that looks cliche but an ending bit that hits hard.
Tier: Strong
Yes, yes and yes again. And one more yes.
Cute and heartwarming, very fitting with the tone of the show (that's the second I've read with this).
I don't know what to think of the last lines though. I don't think that you should cut them off but I can't help but think that they raise too many questions.
I mean, if Minuette has still an imaginary friend, then first, they exist, and second, where does all the imaginary friends go when ponies grow up? Did they go to Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends? And why does Minuette still have it? Is it because she didn't make any friend? I got the feeling that making real friends makes your imaginary friend go away in your story. But Minuette is friend with Twinkleshine, Lemon Hearts, Moon Dancer and Lyra.
But that's only nitpicking. This was really great, thank you for writing this.
Cute and heartwarming, very fitting with the tone of the show (that's the second I've read with this).
I don't know what to think of the last lines though. I don't think that you should cut them off but I can't help but think that they raise too many questions.
I mean, if Minuette has still an imaginary friend, then first, they exist, and second, where does all the imaginary friends go when ponies grow up? Did they go to Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends? And why does Minuette still have it? Is it because she didn't make any friend? I got the feeling that making real friends makes your imaginary friend go away in your story. But Minuette is friend with Twinkleshine, Lemon Hearts, Moon Dancer and Lyra.
But that's only nitpicking. This was really great, thank you for writing this.
The central running joke amused me for a spell, though (for me, at least) it ran out of steam far too soon. The last line was clever, and on the whole I have no criticisms regarding the execution, which is decent. Why somepony as anxious and neurotic as Twilight didn't start worrying about having already violated cultural traditions the moment she and Spike actually started discussing the elephant kinda lodged in my brain a little more than it probably needed to though, given the nature of the fic, but there you go.
Thanks for sharing your work.
Thanks for sharing your work.
I'll laszily echo what the others have said. This isn't really going somewhere and there isn't much to get from the story. However, the premise is still interesting so expand it and aim for something, you'll then certainly have a funny comedy.
I'm sorry, I can't get through the jumble at the beginning. I can't hold onto the plot, and the end seems too much like a sappy cliché storm without anything justifying it. I also can't figure out the prompt relevance.