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A Changeling's Goof
Something seemed odd about Trixie. In the middle of the night, Starlight stood outside of Trixie’s cabin as she eagerly wished to inform Trixie of the now apparent Changeling invasion. However, things hadn't gone out as planned for her.
It seemed to Starlight that Trixie was a changeling.
Starlight measured Trixie from head to toe with a keen eye. She investigated each detail that laid themselves upon the figure that seemed like Trixie Lulamoon. Sweat formed from the glands of Trixie as she nervously stood in place. Her figure shook in vibrational intervals from her own anxiety.
“Well, you most certainly look like Trixie,” Starlight gave in. Her face looked puzzled.
“I told you, I am the powerful Trixie,” a nervous laughter escaped her flaunting attitude.
A lightbulb appeared above Starlight's head. “Oh, I know! Why don’t I ask you personal questions to know if you’re the real Trixie?”
Trixie rubbed the back of her head. “Oh, well, I don’t know, I...” she stuttered, her gaze met the starry sky. “Trixie doesn’t really like talking about her past.”
“Then how about you perform one of your show tricks? You know, those spells only you should know.”
Three rocks levitated themselves in front of Trixie as Starlight beamed a slightly complacent smile.
“Uh, Trixie feels under the weather today...”
“Then it has to be a story," Starlight threw the rocks away. "You should know at least one thing to say. You are Trixie after all, aren’t you?”
“Of course I am, I’m just...”
“No need to wait. Just think of the most embarrassing moment in your life and say it out loud. The real Trixie would be capable of doing this in a breeze.”
“B-but...”
“Hey,” Starlight came out. “You are the real Trixie, right?”
The mare swallowed. “When I was seven, I dressed up as a clown for my birthday.”
Starlight's smile didn't waver.
“No one came to my birthday the year before and my parents thought that I should socialize more with the students at my school so they kept bugging me about my school life. One day, I told them I had asked someone what I should wear during the party. They told me to wear a clown suit to really get kids from my school interested and I completely followed along.
“It wasn’t until during my birthday party that I realized that they were just messing with me. They came to my birthday party and mocked me while taking pictures of my costume.”
A gap of silence formed between the two unicorns after that monolog. Starlight stood with her expression lowered to a frown.
“That’s a story of your own personal life and not Trixie’s, right?” Starlight was soft-spoken.
The mare nodded. “You think I’m stupid, don’t you?”
“What? I didn't say that.” Starlight raised a hoof in defense as Trixie willfully ignored Starlight's comment to continue.
“I’ve been like that all my life, and to top it all off I still don’t have any friends.”
A deep feeling came from within Starlight. It was the feeling of guilt. Starlight walked to the side of the teary eyed mare in front of her and wrapped her around her hooves. “Hey, look, I’m sorry I asked. You can be my friend if you want.”
The mare sniffed. “Really?”
“Really," Starlight replied.
"And you don't mind that I'm a changeling?"
Starlight's embrace tightened as if Trixie had attempted to run away. "As long as you aren't evil and want to help me get the Princess back, I don't see why I have to be mean to you. And besides, that's a fact best left ignored."
Trixie gives Starlight her embrace as well in return for her kindness.
"You knew from the beginning, didn't you?"
"Well, yeah, I did, and I'm sorry yet again."
Trixie smiled. "It's okay. I forgive you."
"Thank you," Starlight Glimmer said.
It seemed to Starlight that Trixie was a changeling.
Starlight measured Trixie from head to toe with a keen eye. She investigated each detail that laid themselves upon the figure that seemed like Trixie Lulamoon. Sweat formed from the glands of Trixie as she nervously stood in place. Her figure shook in vibrational intervals from her own anxiety.
“Well, you most certainly look like Trixie,” Starlight gave in. Her face looked puzzled.
“I told you, I am the powerful Trixie,” a nervous laughter escaped her flaunting attitude.
A lightbulb appeared above Starlight's head. “Oh, I know! Why don’t I ask you personal questions to know if you’re the real Trixie?”
Trixie rubbed the back of her head. “Oh, well, I don’t know, I...” she stuttered, her gaze met the starry sky. “Trixie doesn’t really like talking about her past.”
“Then how about you perform one of your show tricks? You know, those spells only you should know.”
Three rocks levitated themselves in front of Trixie as Starlight beamed a slightly complacent smile.
“Uh, Trixie feels under the weather today...”
“Then it has to be a story," Starlight threw the rocks away. "You should know at least one thing to say. You are Trixie after all, aren’t you?”
“Of course I am, I’m just...”
“No need to wait. Just think of the most embarrassing moment in your life and say it out loud. The real Trixie would be capable of doing this in a breeze.”
“B-but...”
“Hey,” Starlight came out. “You are the real Trixie, right?”
The mare swallowed. “When I was seven, I dressed up as a clown for my birthday.”
Starlight's smile didn't waver.
“No one came to my birthday the year before and my parents thought that I should socialize more with the students at my school so they kept bugging me about my school life. One day, I told them I had asked someone what I should wear during the party. They told me to wear a clown suit to really get kids from my school interested and I completely followed along.
“It wasn’t until during my birthday party that I realized that they were just messing with me. They came to my birthday party and mocked me while taking pictures of my costume.”
A gap of silence formed between the two unicorns after that monolog. Starlight stood with her expression lowered to a frown.
“That’s a story of your own personal life and not Trixie’s, right?” Starlight was soft-spoken.
The mare nodded. “You think I’m stupid, don’t you?”
“What? I didn't say that.” Starlight raised a hoof in defense as Trixie willfully ignored Starlight's comment to continue.
“I’ve been like that all my life, and to top it all off I still don’t have any friends.”
A deep feeling came from within Starlight. It was the feeling of guilt. Starlight walked to the side of the teary eyed mare in front of her and wrapped her around her hooves. “Hey, look, I’m sorry I asked. You can be my friend if you want.”
The mare sniffed. “Really?”
“Really," Starlight replied.
"And you don't mind that I'm a changeling?"
Starlight's embrace tightened as if Trixie had attempted to run away. "As long as you aren't evil and want to help me get the Princess back, I don't see why I have to be mean to you. And besides, that's a fact best left ignored."
Trixie gives Starlight her embrace as well in return for her kindness.
"You knew from the beginning, didn't you?"
"Well, yeah, I did, and I'm sorry yet again."
Trixie smiled. "It's okay. I forgive you."
"Thank you," Starlight Glimmer said.
I'll start with a little writing note: you use a lot of proper nouns in this story. When you've got two female characters having a conversation, it can be hard to avoid using names for clarity too often, but in just 646 words, you wrote "Trixie" 22 times, and "Starlight" 19. That's [EDIT: Did nobody notice I borked the math? Thank goodness; that would've been embarrassing! Math is now fix'd] more than one out of every 20 words you've written, dedicated just to their names!
As far as the idea goes, this seems like it's got potential to be sweet, but feels too insubstantial to me right now. Because of the way this was introduced (big invasion, the real Trixie has been kidnapped, etc.), I never really empathized with the changeling. It's a very sad anecdote, fine, but it kind of pales in comparison to the stakes you established at the start. Couple that with the way the story just sort of... ends, without reaching any particular denouement, and I wasn't really able to engage with this.
When you revise, ask yourself: what is the purpose of this fic? What should the reader take away from it, beyond a list of the events? Is it "changelings are people, too?" Is it "a little compassion can defuse a disaster in the making?" Is it something else entirely? Whatever it is you want to communicate, make sure your whole fic is pulling in that direction. I think a lot of my comments from the second paragraph will solve themselves if you get this whole fic all working towards your key idea.
As far as the idea goes, this seems like it's got potential to be sweet, but feels too insubstantial to me right now. Because of the way this was introduced (big invasion, the real Trixie has been kidnapped, etc.), I never really empathized with the changeling. It's a very sad anecdote, fine, but it kind of pales in comparison to the stakes you established at the start. Couple that with the way the story just sort of... ends, without reaching any particular denouement, and I wasn't really able to engage with this.
When you revise, ask yourself: what is the purpose of this fic? What should the reader take away from it, beyond a list of the events? Is it "changelings are people, too?" Is it "a little compassion can defuse a disaster in the making?" Is it something else entirely? Whatever it is you want to communicate, make sure your whole fic is pulling in that direction. I think a lot of my comments from the second paragraph will solve themselves if you get this whole fic all working towards your key idea.
Regarding what >>Chris said, I do want to point out that Trixie's style of speech will distort this a little…
Is there something about the story that's told that reveals the answer to Starlight's original question, or is it a combination of things? What set of elements led her to her conclusion wasn't clear at all to me.
It's hard to get emotionally invested in this; I don't think the ending does the situation justice.
Is there something about the story that's told that reveals the answer to Starlight's original question, or is it a combination of things? What set of elements led her to her conclusion wasn't clear at all to me.
It's hard to get emotionally invested in this; I don't think the ending does the situation justice.
If Starlight knew that Trixie was actually a changeling all along, then why did she go through the whole rigmarole of grilling her? Why didn't she just say "yo, Trixie, you a changeling, I don't care, you're my friend, help me save everypony."
And why does Trixie act like she can't perform magic tricks if she's indeed been a changeling "from the beginning?" As in, from the beginning of their friendship? Because that kind of stuff has always been within her power, if that's the case. So why does she suddenly act shy about it?
Or... has she only replaced the real Trixie in the last day or so? In that case, then why would Starlight assume she's actually a Good And Nice Genuine Decent Person and a Pretty Cool Dude, when she's actively participating in Chrysalis's coup against the entire royal family and the Elements of Harmony?
I'm... not buying the premise or execution of this story, sorry.
And why does Trixie act like she can't perform magic tricks if she's indeed been a changeling "from the beginning?" As in, from the beginning of their friendship? Because that kind of stuff has always been within her power, if that's the case. So why does she suddenly act shy about it?
Or... has she only replaced the real Trixie in the last day or so? In that case, then why would Starlight assume she's actually a Good And Nice Genuine Decent Person and a Pretty Cool Dude, when she's actively participating in Chrysalis's coup against the entire royal family and the Elements of Harmony?
I'm... not buying the premise or execution of this story, sorry.
I don't think I've got much to add that hasn't already been said. There's definitely potential here, but I think the word count was always going to be working too tightly against the premise to do it justice. By the time Starlight has actually made her discovery, there's very little space left to spin a meaningful and satisfying conclusion. It makes their exchange feel rushed, and I wasn't left feeling overly invested as a result.
Give the story some more space to grow in, and work it towards a cohesive objective, and you'll have a much stronger piece; one I'd likely be interested in reading.
Thanks for sharing your work.
Give the story some more space to grow in, and work it towards a cohesive objective, and you'll have a much stronger piece; one I'd likely be interested in reading.
Thanks for sharing your work.
This is cute, but the ending is kind of meh. I'd like to learn something new, like forming an understanding of how the experience the changeling described shaped them psychosocially.
This is a nice, fluffy little piece between Starlight and what we wonder is Trixie. But there are a lot of problems in my mind, and hopefully I won't be too harsh in mentioning them.
The biggest one is that Starlight knows from early on that 'Trixie' is really a changeling (I think it was because Trixie forgot to refer to herself as the Great and Powerful Trixie). That renders much of the narrative a waste of time for the audience; unless Starlight is trying to trick some information out of the changeling (where the real Trixie is or what Chrysalis is up to, for example) she should just come out with the reveal and then have the rest of the story be about her handling the aftermath.
There's also the problem with the background events. This is happening as the changelings are invading Equestria and coming close to conquering it; Starlight would be seriously reckless to believe that a changeling who had just taken the place of her friend under such conditions was a 'nice' changeling.
I also have a problem seeing how it meshes with the prompt. Starlight is definitely not ignoring the problem; she is definitely confronting it. And 'Trixie' should know, considering the situation, that Starlight won't go away so there's no point in bothering to ignore Starlight.
Thank you for sharing, though, and again I hope I wasn't too brutal.
The biggest one is that Starlight knows from early on that 'Trixie' is really a changeling (I think it was because Trixie forgot to refer to herself as the Great and Powerful Trixie). That renders much of the narrative a waste of time for the audience; unless Starlight is trying to trick some information out of the changeling (where the real Trixie is or what Chrysalis is up to, for example) she should just come out with the reveal and then have the rest of the story be about her handling the aftermath.
There's also the problem with the background events. This is happening as the changelings are invading Equestria and coming close to conquering it; Starlight would be seriously reckless to believe that a changeling who had just taken the place of her friend under such conditions was a 'nice' changeling.
I also have a problem seeing how it meshes with the prompt. Starlight is definitely not ignoring the problem; she is definitely confronting it. And 'Trixie' should know, considering the situation, that Starlight won't go away so there's no point in bothering to ignore Starlight.
Thank you for sharing, though, and again I hope I wasn't too brutal.
a nervous laughter escaped her flaunting attitude.
I'm pretty sure you laugh with your mouth, not your attitude.
And since when do changelings have clown suits and birthday parties and schools? (Also, these sentences are confusingly written; it reads as if the parents told the changeling to dress up like a clown, and then the parents came to her party to mock her. Wow, talk about abusive families.)
Starlight seems oddly enthusiastic to accept the changeling who's replaced her friend... just because the changeling had a embarrassing incident in her childhood? And then she profusely apologizes to the changeling for... for having asked her if she's a changeling? And casually offers her friendship just like that, in the middle of a grand changeling invasion? No, it just doesn't at all mesh together.
Now, it would make more sense if it ended with, say...
"Thank you," Starlight Glimmer said.
"No... Thank you--" Not-Trixie's smile suddenly became narrower and sharper, like a crocodile's. "-- for lowering your guard."
These were the last words Starlight heard as the knife sliced into her neck.