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Maud Pie looked up, mining pick still in mouth, as she noticed that the light falling on the vein of crystal she’d been excavating had dimmed. Reflexively, she gazed toward the rift in the ceiling of her new cavern home. A moment later, she winced, set the pick down, and took Boulder from his place nestled close to her heart.
“Yes Boulder, I know I don’t have an effective way of measuring its luminosity. …Yes, I’m aware that these findings may be significant.” She paused, turning her ears down as she felt all the reasons to continue her work despite the latening hour wash over her. “I know. But it’s time. You promised.”
No reply came. Maud interpreted this as tacit agreement.
She continued to hold him and set off on three legs toward a side passage that ran closer to Ponyville proper. It grew oppressively dark and quiet as she traversed its length. An early bend in the passage cut it off from much of the ambient light and sounds of water from the central cavern. She moved in silence, save for her own hooffalls… and for Boulder’s admonitions.
“We’ve been over this,” Maud said, her voice echoing. “This passage was the most practical to connect to the power grid. …Yes, I know it wasn’t strictly a ‘need.’” She flinched, feeling beset by all the reasons not to spend her time on something frivolous. “Boulder, my first love is for rocks. But I…” She forced her hooves to keep moving, rather than trying to explain herself; Boulder didn’t seem to be in a listening mood.
Maud counted the hoofsteps in the back of her mind; a necessity in the near-total darkness. She stopped when it was time, and groped to her right, finally feeling something cold and solid: a metal switch.
She threw it upward. Warm radiance blossomed from a series of canister lights mounted on the ceiling, illuminating a shoulder-high black amplifier set next to a stand holding an X-shaped black guitar with inset green paneling.
Maud set Boulder down on the amp, took hold of the guitar, and began hoofing at dials. She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, fighting down guilt. What she’d told Boulder had been true, strictly speaking; the light had faded, even if was with late afternoon rather than early evening. And what she'd told her new friend Starlight when they discovered the cave had also been true; her scholarly knowledge about rocks had nothing to do with her skills or enjoyment of playing guitar.
At length, she pushed through the condemnation about deceiving those closest to her, fretted a power chord and strummed. An electric feeling surged in her as the chord echoed through the passage, loud enough even to block out the myriad reasons not to be playing. Maud worked her way through a progression of chords, fretting and strumming with increasing rapidity.
She turned a faint smile toward Boulder—
Another salvo of disapproval her. It brought with it the face of her advisor, admonishing her to eliminate unnecessary distractions on the path to her rocktorate; and of her parents, telling her to turn down the racket lest she disrupt the rock farm’s delicate soil and mineral balance; and of her sisters, cowering from the sound in Marble’s case, or railing against it in Limestone’s case.
Only Pinkie smiled at it.
Maud tried to focus on Pinkie as the others pressed down on her with judgment, but it was like clutching at a lone pink candle on a moonless night. Maud took a breath to try to steady herself, but then set the guitar back down on its stand and turned the whole setup off. She gazed at the silent but smugly triumphant Boulder.
“I’ll have to ask what kinds of music Starlight enjoys,” Maud said, picking Boulder up. Then she reared up on her hind legs, reaching toward the master power switch with her free hoof.
She pulled it, casting herself into darkness once again.
“Yes Boulder, I know I don’t have an effective way of measuring its luminosity. …Yes, I’m aware that these findings may be significant.” She paused, turning her ears down as she felt all the reasons to continue her work despite the latening hour wash over her. “I know. But it’s time. You promised.”
No reply came. Maud interpreted this as tacit agreement.
She continued to hold him and set off on three legs toward a side passage that ran closer to Ponyville proper. It grew oppressively dark and quiet as she traversed its length. An early bend in the passage cut it off from much of the ambient light and sounds of water from the central cavern. She moved in silence, save for her own hooffalls… and for Boulder’s admonitions.
“We’ve been over this,” Maud said, her voice echoing. “This passage was the most practical to connect to the power grid. …Yes, I know it wasn’t strictly a ‘need.’” She flinched, feeling beset by all the reasons not to spend her time on something frivolous. “Boulder, my first love is for rocks. But I…” She forced her hooves to keep moving, rather than trying to explain herself; Boulder didn’t seem to be in a listening mood.
Maud counted the hoofsteps in the back of her mind; a necessity in the near-total darkness. She stopped when it was time, and groped to her right, finally feeling something cold and solid: a metal switch.
She threw it upward. Warm radiance blossomed from a series of canister lights mounted on the ceiling, illuminating a shoulder-high black amplifier set next to a stand holding an X-shaped black guitar with inset green paneling.
Maud set Boulder down on the amp, took hold of the guitar, and began hoofing at dials. She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, fighting down guilt. What she’d told Boulder had been true, strictly speaking; the light had faded, even if was with late afternoon rather than early evening. And what she'd told her new friend Starlight when they discovered the cave had also been true; her scholarly knowledge about rocks had nothing to do with her skills or enjoyment of playing guitar.
At length, she pushed through the condemnation about deceiving those closest to her, fretted a power chord and strummed. An electric feeling surged in her as the chord echoed through the passage, loud enough even to block out the myriad reasons not to be playing. Maud worked her way through a progression of chords, fretting and strumming with increasing rapidity.
She turned a faint smile toward Boulder—
Another salvo of disapproval her. It brought with it the face of her advisor, admonishing her to eliminate unnecessary distractions on the path to her rocktorate; and of her parents, telling her to turn down the racket lest she disrupt the rock farm’s delicate soil and mineral balance; and of her sisters, cowering from the sound in Marble’s case, or railing against it in Limestone’s case.
Only Pinkie smiled at it.
Maud tried to focus on Pinkie as the others pressed down on her with judgment, but it was like clutching at a lone pink candle on a moonless night. Maud took a breath to try to steady herself, but then set the guitar back down on its stand and turned the whole setup off. She gazed at the silent but smugly triumphant Boulder.
“I’ll have to ask what kinds of music Starlight enjoys,” Maud said, picking Boulder up. Then she reared up on her hind legs, reaching toward the master power switch with her free hoof.
She pulled it, casting herself into darkness once again.
So Maud's first love is for rocks, but her secret second love is for Rock. Nice! I'm disappointed that she didn't break out into Led Zeppelin's Rock and Roll, though.
One thing I really liked about this story is the strong nod toward the prompt ultimately being a premise based in false hope. Nothing Maud ignores in this story ever goes away for her, and this was well-presented.
Although it is well written (aside from a few important grammatical errors), the story itself didn't feel quite as compelling for me as I'd like. Would Maud really allow herself to accept that the external pressure to give up on something 'frivolous' that she loves is important? Since she has a rocktorate degree and earns her living somehow applying that, her "hobby" hurts exactly no one. So it doesn't quite add up for me that she would truly agonize over it.
That aside, I really appreciated the fact that she hasn't simply given in to the pressure she feels to give up on that second love, but will at least seek the opinion of a friend that 'gets' her.
One thing I really liked about this story is the strong nod toward the prompt ultimately being a premise based in false hope. Nothing Maud ignores in this story ever goes away for her, and this was well-presented.
Although it is well written (aside from a few important grammatical errors), the story itself didn't feel quite as compelling for me as I'd like. Would Maud really allow herself to accept that the external pressure to give up on something 'frivolous' that she loves is important? Since she has a rocktorate degree and earns her living somehow applying that, her "hobby" hurts exactly no one. So it doesn't quite add up for me that she would truly agonize over it.
That aside, I really appreciated the fact that she hasn't simply given in to the pressure she feels to give up on that second love, but will at least seek the opinion of a friend that 'gets' her.
A simple setting, but I got a good sense of place out of it. Good characterization - the boulder / Maude approach made for an interesting way to explore her thoughts. Seemed grammatically clean, with good pacing.
It didn't really hit me with any huge whammies, but all the various bits worked as intended.
It didn't really hit me with any huge whammies, but all the various bits worked as intended.
I have a bit of a hard time visualizing Maud with ears drooping -- I mean, that'd be a display of emotion! -- but all in all this was a very nice, compact story, and I can find no faults to gripe about. I think the premise fits perfectly into a minific and the pacing was good, although I'm not totally sure about that ending; but then again, endings are the bane of minifics.
I love the premise, and the ending lands on all four hooves with a quiet drop.
There's some minor problems, including some minor textual errors. The dangling antecedent in the beginning of the second paragraph is jarring even though it's presumably not dangling in the context of Maud and Boulder's conversation (I feel like this might be the main source of the odd uncomfortable feeling the rest of the story gives me; I haven't been able to explain it otherwise). The descriptions of Maud being pummeled by reasons not to do what she's doing seem kind of redundant with each other.
There's some minor problems, including some minor textual errors. The dangling antecedent in the beginning of the second paragraph is jarring even though it's presumably not dangling in the context of Maud and Boulder's conversation (I feel like this might be the main source of the odd uncomfortable feeling the rest of the story gives me; I haven't been able to explain it otherwise). The descriptions of Maud being pummeled by reasons not to do what she's doing seem kind of redundant with each other.
You're a bit inconsistent on whether Boulder is actually silent or not. It's not technically a huge problem, but it is a little annoying.
Otherwise... it is a neat idea, but I actually have a lot of trouble reading this in Maud's voice? The diction doesn't actually seem quite right for it. But I'd have to do a more indepth review of the episodes she's been in and I can't quite do that right now. But yeah, maybe review her conversations a bit if you want to be accurate to voice?
Otherwise... it is a neat idea, but I actually have a lot of trouble reading this in Maud's voice? The diction doesn't actually seem quite right for it. But I'd have to do a more indepth review of the episodes she's been in and I can't quite do that right now. But yeah, maybe review her conversations a bit if you want to be accurate to voice?
So Boulder's a jerk. Huh, who knew?
I'm going to echo >>AndrewRogue, in that I'm having difficulty reading this scene in Maud's voice. I know the recent episodes featuring her have developed her character somewhat, but this still didn't feel right (at least, not consistently). But a few others approve, and so perhaps this issue might be down to a matter of perspective.
Otherwise this was a nice little scene that, with some polish, could become a solid addition to Maudlore. I await the inevitable 'Maud and Octavia and Vinyl form an unlikely band' expansion story with interest.
Thanks for sharing your work.
I'm going to echo >>AndrewRogue, in that I'm having difficulty reading this scene in Maud's voice. I know the recent episodes featuring her have developed her character somewhat, but this still didn't feel right (at least, not consistently). But a few others approve, and so perhaps this issue might be down to a matter of perspective.
Otherwise this was a nice little scene that, with some polish, could become a solid addition to Maudlore. I await the inevitable 'Maud and Octavia and Vinyl form an unlikely band' expansion story with interest.
Thanks for sharing your work.
I like the story, but noticed two problems which were related.
The primary problem is that the story lacks sufficient support to convince me that Maud has these inner demons. I can't buy Maud's self-condemnation here. Her character hasn't shown anything like self-doubt, so you need to provide context that will make it seem more realistic. It felt out-of-character for her, partly because Maud performs stand-up comedy (and heckling), as well as poetry readings. Neither of these contribute toward her degree, and both require a lot of confidence. She's autistic, but very stubborn and assertive. She's never shown any signs of self-doubt in canon, and one of the strongest things about her character is that she's honest and direct. The only thing she has seemed to wrestle with so far has been her relationship with Starlight Glimmer, mostly because that sort of friendship is new territory for her.
The second problem is the amount of tell, and the fact that the telliness is exaggerated for her understated character. Maud's emotional paucity is actually a great tool for show, because subtle changes on the surface mean a big struggle beneath. Rather than telling us her feelings from Maud's perspective, try showing things whenever possible. A slight frown or tension in her face convinces me much better than telling me she feels shame. A flashback is more illustrative than a memory. Et cetera.
I think you can make this work, but it needs a little more to make it seem real and on-character.
Also: I don't get the title.
The primary problem is that the story lacks sufficient support to convince me that Maud has these inner demons. I can't buy Maud's self-condemnation here. Her character hasn't shown anything like self-doubt, so you need to provide context that will make it seem more realistic. It felt out-of-character for her, partly because Maud performs stand-up comedy (and heckling), as well as poetry readings. Neither of these contribute toward her degree, and both require a lot of confidence. She's autistic, but very stubborn and assertive. She's never shown any signs of self-doubt in canon, and one of the strongest things about her character is that she's honest and direct. The only thing she has seemed to wrestle with so far has been her relationship with Starlight Glimmer, mostly because that sort of friendship is new territory for her.
The second problem is the amount of tell, and the fact that the telliness is exaggerated for her understated character. Maud's emotional paucity is actually a great tool for show, because subtle changes on the surface mean a big struggle beneath. Rather than telling us her feelings from Maud's perspective, try showing things whenever possible. A slight frown or tension in her face convinces me much better than telling me she feels shame. A flashback is more illustrative than a memory. Et cetera.
I think you can make this work, but it needs a little more to make it seem real and on-character.
Also: I don't get the title.
Post by
Monokeras
, deleted
>>Monokeras
Unfortunately, if you accidentally hit the tab key, you'll prematurely post what you're working on.
I'd prefer it if tab were disabled in the text panes (or if it actually tabbed, or did anything other than automatically shift focus to the Post comment button).
Unfortunately, if you accidentally hit the tab key, you'll prematurely post what you're working on.
I'd prefer it if tab were disabled in the text panes (or if it actually tabbed, or did anything other than automatically shift focus to the Post comment button).
Clever use of verb ("fret") to get around how hooves play guitar chords. But I'm afraid the overall story just doesn't hook me. I don't feel the angst the character is seemingly dealing with, so it sounds false to me I think. Maud is centered and rational in canon, and this doesn't quite convince me otherwise. Not really sure if I'm making sense, but... well, yeah, it just doesn't grab me.
I can tell that this is somehow building off of one of those recent episodes that I haven't seen yet, but I'm not sure how much.
This could definitely use a good editing pass. There were a few missing words that were particularly distracting. And a lot of the dialogue does not feel very "Maud" to me.
Still the idea here is good, and I think that it could turn into a great story with some work.
This could definitely use a good editing pass. There were a few missing words that were particularly distracting. And a lot of the dialogue does not feel very "Maud" to me.
Still the idea here is good, and I think that it could turn into a great story with some work.
Like Nopony Else: The Retrospective
First of all, thank you to those who left feedback! ^^
>>The_Letter_J
>>Xepher
>>Trick_Question
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
>>AndrewRogue
>>Light_Striker
>>JudgeDeadd
>>Caliaponia
>>Southpaw
This story started with a truly kick-awesome piece of art based on the recent Rock Solid Friendship episode. I contacted the artist right after seeing that and asked if I could do a story for it. Why you ask? Well, this isn't the first time I've mixed Pie sisters with heavy metal, so I may as well just resign myself to sounding like a commercial and be done with it: if you liked the Maud you see here, she's basically a ponified and greatly distilled version of the Maud who shows up in a recent story of mine that stars Limestone and is set in the Equestria Girls world.
In that story I write Maud as struggling against very deep-seated anxiety, and I thought it would be interesting to try to riff on that again and get inside her head a bit more than that story allowed me to. I also thought it would be interesting to explore her anthropomorphization of Boulder, and of rocks in general. Consider the moment at the end of Rock Solid Friendship where Pinkie visits her in Ghastly Gorge and asks if she's made any friends, and Maud says yes, then Pinkie asks if the friend is a rock--and Maud pauses for a beat, and then says yes again. That moment fascinates me. It also echoes the moment earlier in the episode where Maud says quietly--even for Maud--that making a friend would be nice. So I wanted to take those traits and spin them into something beyond mere peculiarity, and into something a little sadder, and maybe even a little darker. I also tried to play up the unsettling elements; one thing nobody noticed (which is admittedly cheesy but seemed to fit the mood) was the word count--666. Note that this wasn't so much intentional as an opportunistic thing that came about when the original word count ended up at 664.
As it turns out, one thing I learned here is that the way I write Maud doesn't jive as well with canon as I might've hoped; notably, my interpretation doesn't line up with her doing standup and/or heckling Discord. It's something I can probably get away with more in the Equestria Girls world because we just haven't seen as much of her there, but not as much in the prime-verse. The other interesting thing was peoples' comments about her voice being off... and not that I want to disagree with feedback, but I don't see it.
But hey, any chance to write something and put it out there is bound to be educational and fun. And if anyone wants to have a hand in editing as this gets expanded out to 1k+ words for posting on FF, let me know!