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Hum.
I’m with Aragón here. This is weird.
Caponeira, I think, means something like "dark head" in Portuguese. The word you’re looking for is Capoeira, unless that’s an intentional joke, in which case I don’t get it.
In any case, I’m not sure why you’ve chosen Pinkie here. It gives a touch a goofiness to your fic, which is not improper, but at the same I have the feeling Pinkie’s movements should be more slapstick.
So what’s the end? Limestone chases Pinkie everywhere in the castle hoping to kick her at last and turns the building into dust? And why that Portuguese adage like “When faced with stronger than you, flee rather than fight”?
They are several funny elements here, but they fail to click together, so the humour is lost, and what comes to the fore is the disjunction.
I’m with Aragón here. This is weird.
Caponeira, I think, means something like "dark head" in Portuguese. The word you’re looking for is Capoeira, unless that’s an intentional joke, in which case I don’t get it.
In any case, I’m not sure why you’ve chosen Pinkie here. It gives a touch a goofiness to your fic, which is not improper, but at the same I have the feeling Pinkie’s movements should be more slapstick.
So what’s the end? Limestone chases Pinkie everywhere in the castle hoping to kick her at last and turns the building into dust? And why that Portuguese adage like “When faced with stronger than you, flee rather than fight”?
They are several funny elements here, but they fail to click together, so the humour is lost, and what comes to the fore is the disjunction.
I like the martial arts description. My interpretation after reading and considering is that Pinkie and the others were trapped in the cave in, and this is how Pinkie is helping them to pass the time / training others to be more effective fighters against whatever attacked the castle / making a certain amount of noise to help rescuers find them (though not too much, lest there be a further cave in). This perhaps should have been made more obvious. I'll rank this as an upper tier story that needs more polishing and clarifying.
I'm going to agree with >>GroaningGreyAgony that there should have been a more explicit connection between the martial arts and the last four paragraphs. You can make it clearer in the first part that the children are terrified and that Pinkie's being indefatigabley Pinkie to cheer them up, say, without spoiling any sense of "reveal" that you want to maintain. And if you put in something like Maud recognizing the pattern of hoofbeats... again, the stronger a connection you can make between the ending and the rest of the fic, the better! Right now you've got two solid pieces of a story, all that's left is to fuse them together.
>>Monokeras
The joke is that "pone" is a horse pun. I thought it was perfectly appropriate to an MLP fic, but then, I like puns.
>>Monokeras
The joke is that "pone" is a horse pun. I thought it was perfectly appropriate to an MLP fic, but then, I like puns.
Mundane Fact #1: This was the first story I read from my slate, but I have held back from commenting because I didn't want to look like the only person who didn't get the connectivity between the ending and the rest of the fic. I'm sensitive like that.
My inclination is, however, to agree with >>GroaningGreyAgony and >>Chris: I did wonder whether the scene with Pinkie and others was being played out at the same time as Maud's, but without a slightly more explicit connection I was left seconding guessing that assumption. I then wondered whether the destruction of Canterlot Castle was caused by the sparring between Pinkie and Limestone, but that didn't feel like it made enough sense to be the answer either. Whatever it was in reality, the lack of clarity denied me from reaching a satisfying conclusion/
Also, and this might be just personal preference speaking, but I think some of Pinkie's speech could have been a tad more in character. Her first and third lines are great, you nailed it there. But in a few of the others it feels as though her voice has been lost somewhat. I loved the explanations and descriptions of Caponeira (arf!) though—very engaging.
Less Mundane Fact #1: Pinkie learning martial arts is going to be my takeaway mental image from this round. It's a good one.
Thanks a bundle for sharing your work. It needs some minor tweaking to turn it into a cohesive and satisfying whole, but I enjoyed reading the component parts.
My inclination is, however, to agree with >>GroaningGreyAgony and >>Chris: I did wonder whether the scene with Pinkie and others was being played out at the same time as Maud's, but without a slightly more explicit connection I was left seconding guessing that assumption. I then wondered whether the destruction of Canterlot Castle was caused by the sparring between Pinkie and Limestone, but that didn't feel like it made enough sense to be the answer either. Whatever it was in reality, the lack of clarity denied me from reaching a satisfying conclusion/
Also, and this might be just personal preference speaking, but I think some of Pinkie's speech could have been a tad more in character. Her first and third lines are great, you nailed it there. But in a few of the others it feels as though her voice has been lost somewhat. I loved the explanations and descriptions of Caponeira (arf!) though—very engaging.
Less Mundane Fact #1: Pinkie learning martial arts is going to be my takeaway mental image from this round. It's a good one.
Thanks a bundle for sharing your work. It needs some minor tweaking to turn it into a cohesive and satisfying whole, but I enjoyed reading the component parts.
I can't add much to what others have already said: The last section is disjointed from the beginning because the connection is not clear at all. Pinkie Pie also does seem a little 'out of character' here and there.
Last: Only cliffs face the tempest. Are you referring to everypony running away to safety in the caverns, rather than staying to fight an un-winable battle? Or that it was better for them to wait for rescue, trapped in the caverns, than to dig themselves out of a mountain of rubble?
And a bit non-sequitur, but thanks for reminding me of the PMV The Garden, one of my absolute favorite PMVs.
Capoeira que é bom não cai
Mas se um dia ele cai, cai bem
A good capoeirista never falls,
but if one day he falls, he falls well.
Last: Only cliffs face the tempest. Are you referring to everypony running away to safety in the caverns, rather than staying to fight an un-winable battle? Or that it was better for them to wait for rescue, trapped in the caverns, than to dig themselves out of a mountain of rubble?
And a bit non-sequitur, but thanks for reminding me of the PMV The Garden, one of my absolute favorite PMVs.
Capoeira que é bom não cai
Mas se um dia ele cai, cai bem
A good capoeirista never falls,
but if one day he falls, he falls well.
I haven't much more to offer here. The first part is good but the second needs to more tied to the first in order to make the 'twist' works better.
Like >>GroaningGreyAgony said, with a little polish, this fic can become great.
Like >>GroaningGreyAgony said, with a little polish, this fic can become great.
Pinkie Pie is just the sort of pony who'd do capoeira. I don't know if she'd normally tease Limestone quite like that, but the interplay between their characters is great, and the idea that she'd do that to get everypony in on it to increase their chance of being saved using a combination of dancing and laughter is very in-character. (So is her response to the idea of clapping!)
The sudden presence of a royal guard feels a bit weird.
The connection to the last scene is pretty weak, though it's possible to see from the connection between beats and checking for vibrations. I don't understand what the proverb is supposed to refer to, either. All in all, pretty solid.
Edited to add: I should also note that the rhythm of the text feels like it matches the topic. That's pretty impressive.
The sudden presence of a royal guard feels a bit weird.
The connection to the last scene is pretty weak, though it's possible to see from the connection between beats and checking for vibrations. I don't understand what the proverb is supposed to refer to, either. All in all, pretty solid.
Edited to add: I should also note that the rhythm of the text feels like it matches the topic. That's pretty impressive.
Okay, I'm sorry; on reading these reviews, I realize that I have completely misinterpreted the final scene. I thought that Limestone was so angry at Pinkie Pie that her violent retribution completely leveled Canterlot, and that Maud was sifting through the rubble trying to find their bodies.
So this becomes a much, much better story now that I've re-contextualized it.
I suggest doing more to allude to the cavern setting in the first paragraph, without spoiling the surprise. Sensory or environmental details to clue the reader in that there's something off about this scenario, without really spoiling anything. As is, I think the only hints we get that something is amiss are the first-aid supplies and the lone royal guard who's mentioned (a third detail might be the lack of any drums to keep a beat, but all that did was make me wonder why Pinkie was teaching capoeira to children in Canterlot in the first place...
Which might just be because Posh is a dumb-dumb. Heh.
So this becomes a much, much better story now that I've re-contextualized it.
I suggest doing more to allude to the cavern setting in the first paragraph, without spoiling the surprise. Sensory or environmental details to clue the reader in that there's something off about this scenario, without really spoiling anything. As is, I think the only hints we get that something is amiss are the first-aid supplies and the lone royal guard who's mentioned (a third detail might be the lack of any drums to keep a beat, but all that did was make me wonder why Pinkie was teaching capoeira to children in Canterlot in the first place...
Which might just be because Posh is a dumb-dumb. Heh.
I liked this one, overall; it's very like Pinkie and, yes, I can see her as a martial artist. And I like the 'fight scene' between her and Limestone. The epilogue is jarring, though, because of the different tone and the fact that the apparent destruction of Canterlot seems to come out of nowhere.
My suggestion would be to eliminate the epilogue piece and move the information further back into the story. Perhaps have Pinkie reflect at the start of the piece how she is doing this martial arts demonstration because they're trapped in a cave. By the end of the story, Pinkie just hopes she can distract her audience long enough for it to go away (by rescue workers finding them all...she hopes...).
For that matter, the subjects of a martial arts demonstration and disaster survival don't seem to have anything to do with each other, which may be another reason the ending of this piece is so jarring.
Anyway, thanks for sharing!
My suggestion would be to eliminate the epilogue piece and move the information further back into the story. Perhaps have Pinkie reflect at the start of the piece how she is doing this martial arts demonstration because they're trapped in a cave. By the end of the story, Pinkie just hopes she can distract her audience long enough for it to go away (by rescue workers finding them all...she hopes...).
For that matter, the subjects of a martial arts demonstration and disaster survival don't seem to have anything to do with each other, which may be another reason the ending of this piece is so jarring.
Anyway, thanks for sharing!
Wow, sure is Maud Pie Round in here. That's the fifth story I'm reviewing featuring her.
I really, really love Limestone's role in here; somehow, despite having just a few short lines, it's easy to imagine her being annoyed, exasperated, indignant, and smug thorough the story.
The ending however doesn't really work for me at all. At first, like others, I thought the story took on a sudden dark humor bent and Limestone brought down the castle in her fury. Apparently, the ending instead means that Pinkie and the others have been trapped underneath the ruins Canterlot all this time. Except... my feeling is "so what?" It feels completely random and doesn't have any bearing on the story whatsoever; you could just as well have Pinkie reveal that she's a robot, or reveal that it's all happening in an alternate universe where the sun is green, and it would be similarly meaningless. It also comes out more or less out of nowhere; apart from a mention of "box of first aid supplies" and a "royal guard", there's no prior indication that the story takes place anywhere unusual.
It would be better if this would be the beginning of a longer story focusing on the survivors' adventures in the caverns, because then the final paragraph would actually affect something. Though, again, the first part would need to be rewritten so that the reveal doesn't come out of the blue like that.
I really, really love Limestone's role in here; somehow, despite having just a few short lines, it's easy to imagine her being annoyed, exasperated, indignant, and smug thorough the story.
The ending however doesn't really work for me at all. At first, like others, I thought the story took on a sudden dark humor bent and Limestone brought down the castle in her fury. Apparently, the ending instead means that Pinkie and the others have been trapped underneath the ruins Canterlot all this time. Except... my feeling is "so what?" It feels completely random and doesn't have any bearing on the story whatsoever; you could just as well have Pinkie reveal that she's a robot, or reveal that it's all happening in an alternate universe where the sun is green, and it would be similarly meaningless. It also comes out more or less out of nowhere; apart from a mention of "box of first aid supplies" and a "royal guard", there's no prior indication that the story takes place anywhere unusual.
It would be better if this would be the beginning of a longer story focusing on the survivors' adventures in the caverns, because then the final paragraph would actually affect something. Though, again, the first part would need to be rewritten so that the reveal doesn't come out of the blue like that.
beats in your head
QCF QCF PPP
Some good subtle jokes and character scenery here. Every comment is saying the same thing, though: "I have no idea what's going on with that ending, but there must be some cool link that went over my head!" Well... nah. The emperor has no clothes. The ending doesn't make sense, the entire narrative structure is not effective, and wouldn't be very effective to me even if there *was* an explicit link established. That's about all I got here, other than affirming that Pinkie's cute here and Xrd is better. Thanks for writing, though!
Oh, I see the proverb connection now, I think.
>>Ranmilia "listening for vibrations". Think about it. (But as above I do think the link is kind of weak in the text.)
>>Ranmilia "listening for vibrations". Think about it. (But as above I do think the link is kind of weak in the text.)
>>Light_Striker
And then that's dropped they never do clap. I'd expect this to be an unambiguous "yes please clap constantly, stamp your hooves, and practice hitting the walls!" to make that connection. Thinking about it makes it worse! (Though I agree that's probably what the author wanted to do - it's just not actually done.)
"Uh, how about if we clap?" asked a pegasus colt.
Pinkie stopped and gasped. "That's brilliant! Why didn't I think of that? But don't clap yet, because it'll be too loud and you can't hear my next lesson, and then you'll probably be clapping forever if you can't hear me telling you to stop clapping."
And then that's dropped they never do clap. I'd expect this to be an unambiguous "yes please clap constantly, stamp your hooves, and practice hitting the walls!" to make that connection. Thinking about it makes it worse! (Though I agree that's probably what the author wanted to do - it's just not actually done.)
>>Ranmilia I tend to think of that as being "don't do it like that because that might bring the caves down around us, only I can't tell you that because everypony will get scared", though. Despite her normal silliness, Pinkie really has to focus on keeping control of the situation when it's this serious (and I now think the proverb is referring to her bringing out her rock-farming-family traits and having to combine them with her party-pony traits to make it all work). Anyway, I'm holding out to see whether a retrospective reveals what the authorial intent was here.
Genre: Limestone Helps The Children Through Attempted Violence
Thoughts: Lucky, lucky, lucky me - Petunia followed immediately by 3/4 Pie sisters. The finals are good to me.
But hey, in all seriousness, the sting at the end is what really makes thisgreat again for me. At first I found it jarring and non-sequitur, but then it started to sink in: Pinkie is a wonderful, brave pony here. I could wish for more clues about the situation, though, as it really just comes out of left field. Also the intro text felt a little dry, like a capoeira commercial rather than a Pinkie sales pitch. But there's a big gem of a story here that just needs some polishing-up.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: Lucky, lucky, lucky me - Petunia followed immediately by 3/4 Pie sisters. The finals are good to me.
But hey, in all seriousness, the sting at the end is what really makes this
Tier: Almost There
Mmmm... this has the shape of correctly using a twist to recontextualize prior information, but I don't really gain that much out of it, and honestly, the really bizarre decision to make the focus on a pony martial art doesn't help. It's... really weird. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it tortures the twist a bit because it is a particularly weird thing to be distracting with.
I'm surprised this got as far as it did. I submitted this at literally the last second of the 5-minute grace period. I knew it needed about 100 more words (I had room to spare), all the actions are down but I need to solidify the ideas and connections. The finishing touches are already planned out in my head, but... no time left. Do I submit something, anything? Or just throw it away like usual? I felt optimistic enough to submit it anyway, while knowing there's no chance it'll be understood or make finals.
People liked it a little, and partially understood what it was going for, which was more than I could've asked for.
I've done capoeira for years, and one of the problems of trying to explain what it's like is there's just so much jargon involved. Trying to fit it into the pony world might be a stupid idea (though the show's given characters some strange hobbies too, so why not) but I at least wanted to avoid all those specific terms and names and traditions that wouldn't fit the setting. I feel guilty about using the Portuguese quote at the end, that was such a copout.
Thanks for the comments, and I appreciate everyone who has the courage to say what they honestly think. Sorry this was such a bare-bones meal.
the atmosphere this round has been rather nasty, especially around the Discord chat. even if none of it was aimed at me, I've never felt more discouraged.
People liked it a little, and partially understood what it was going for, which was more than I could've asked for.
I've done capoeira for years, and one of the problems of trying to explain what it's like is there's just so much jargon involved. Trying to fit it into the pony world might be a stupid idea (though the show's given characters some strange hobbies too, so why not) but I at least wanted to avoid all those specific terms and names and traditions that wouldn't fit the setting. I feel guilty about using the Portuguese quote at the end, that was such a copout.
Thanks for the comments, and I appreciate everyone who has the courage to say what they honestly think. Sorry this was such a bare-bones meal.
the atmosphere this round has been rather nasty, especially around the Discord chat. even if none of it was aimed at me, I've never felt more discouraged.
>>Haze
Seconded. I sincerely hope for more encouraging rounds in future.
I'm glad you decided to submit this in the end, regardless of your doubts. As you say, some aspects are in need of further definition, but I enjoyed a lot of what you have already put in place, and this fic was in my top ten. I hope you feel like adding some meat onto those bones and publishing the story on FiMFic at some point, as I'd very much look forward to reading your intended version.
the atmosphere this round has been rather nasty, especially around the Discord chat. even if none of it was aimed at me, I've never felt more discouraged.
Seconded. I sincerely hope for more encouraging rounds in future.
I'm glad you decided to submit this in the end, regardless of your doubts. As you say, some aspects are in need of further definition, but I enjoyed a lot of what you have already put in place, and this fic was in my top ten. I hope you feel like adding some meat onto those bones and publishing the story on FiMFic at some point, as I'd very much look forward to reading your intended version.
>>Haze
It's probably because I wasn't in the chat as much. I'm a stabilizing influence who radiates chill vibes and groove waves.
uwu *huggles*
If it's any consolation, I kind of want you to teach me capoeira now. But I have no rhythm. So just, like, teach me to hit stuff, okay?
the atmosphere this round has been rather nasty, especially around the Discord chat. even if none of it was aimed at me, I've never felt more discouraged.
It's probably because I wasn't in the chat as much. I'm a stabilizing influence who radiates chill vibes and groove waves.
uwu *huggles*
If it's any consolation, I kind of want you to teach me capoeira now. But I have no rhythm. So just, like, teach me to hit stuff, okay?
>>Haze
Shoot, I didn't know things were discouraging this round... I don't do Discord and I kinda dropped out after prelims. That sucks to hear.
I hope my feedback on this didn't contribute to that. This was ultimately quite beautiful and I hope it will return on FimFiction. I would gladly help read or edit for it if desired.
Shoot, I didn't know things were discouraging this round... I don't do Discord and I kinda dropped out after prelims. That sucks to hear.
I hope my feedback on this didn't contribute to that. This was ultimately quite beautiful and I hope it will return on FimFiction. I would gladly help read or edit for it if desired.