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Ticks and Tocks
She is a creature of ticks and tocks. That’s what he thinks as he looks at her smiling face over the plate of sandwiches. Ticks and tocks, ticks and tocks, nothing but endless ticks and tocks.
How long will this last?
He tries shoving the idle thought away, like so many of the others. He watches her pour some tea and idly considers changing it to cyanide.
Imagine how funny her face will look when she realizes!
Shoved down.
She makes idle conversation. Something about her friend and the lovely weather she made. He smiles back and comments on it as well, not bothering to mention how the concept of neat, orderly weather patterns churns his insides like a blender.
Perhaps just one cotton candy cloud.
Shoved down.
He tries a sandwich. It tastes like Order and Harmony, with its neat layers and ingredients added just so. How nauseating.
Fill it with worms!
Shoved down.
How nice, he tells her. The food is delicious, of course. He takes the offered teacup and drains it in a single gulp. She makes no comment on this, so he improvises; the tea is now a pigeon. She loves it, and her smile makes him smile.
A pigeon? That’s the best I can do?
That one is a little harder to ignore.
She pours him another cup of tea. She can’t pour the cup into the tea, or make the sandwiches scream in agony as they are eaten, or regurgitate them whole through her ears. She’s all ticks and tocks. Soon she’ll have to go feed her animals, more creatures that require something so orderly as food and water and oxygen for their continued survival. Ticks and tocks.
Chaos isn’t ticks and tocks! Chaos is a tock-tock-wham-patooey-kersplow, with maybe a tick in there somewhere. This game is boring. Turn her into a tree and be done with it.
Shoved very far down.
He can’t blame her for not understanding. Oh, she tries so very hard, the dear pony. She wants him to feel welcome and loved, because to her that kind of thing matters.
Chaos doesn’t need love. Chaos doesn’t need friends. Chaos is perfect just the way it is.
Can she see how his smile is strained? She must, for she’s getting that look again. Concern. Such a curious concept. Such a pony concept. He’s tried emulating it with some success. His efforts to be more like them improve every day.
Why do I even care? I could turn the entire population of this town into petunias with a snap of my talons.
No, no, everything is fine. Just worried about whats-her-name. Tree Something-or-Other.
Hmm. Seems she didn’t find that one funny. He still didn’t have their sense of humor down. Ponies are much more complicated than they seem. Or is that much more simple? But he finds they can be delightful once he gets to know them a little better.
Someday, I will grow tired to this pretending. Someday, I will realize that there’s no purpose to imitating their habits.
Shove it down.
Someday I will remember that I am chaos incarnate, and all these so-called ‘relationships’ are meaningless, and I’ll set all of her friends on fire and laugh because her pleading and begging and beseeching and asking politely and realizing all of this is a big stupid sham will be the greatest long-running gag you’ve ever conceived!
His fist smashes the table. It snaps in two.
She doesn’t run away. She’s at his side in an instant with hoof on his shoulder. Asks if he is hurt.
He smiles. His fist unclenches. He relaxes into his seat. Yes, he's fine. Just coping with an old ache. After all, he's thousands of years her senior.
She asks more questions, but he gently rebuffs her. She accepts his words, because she trusts her friend. He fixes the table, sandwich plate and tea set with a snap of his tail, and she goes to get some more hot water. She can’t just make hot water out of thin air, or produce tea with cold water, or bring Zebrica and its tea leaves into her cottage with a clap of her hooves.
If I concentrate, I bet I can land her cottage right on the peak of Kilequinjaro from here!
She is just a creature of ticks and tocks.
Ticks and tocks.
Tick and tock.
Tick.
Tock...
How long will this last?
He tries shoving the idle thought away, like so many of the others. He watches her pour some tea and idly considers changing it to cyanide.
Imagine how funny her face will look when she realizes!
Shoved down.
She makes idle conversation. Something about her friend and the lovely weather she made. He smiles back and comments on it as well, not bothering to mention how the concept of neat, orderly weather patterns churns his insides like a blender.
Perhaps just one cotton candy cloud.
Shoved down.
He tries a sandwich. It tastes like Order and Harmony, with its neat layers and ingredients added just so. How nauseating.
Fill it with worms!
Shoved down.
How nice, he tells her. The food is delicious, of course. He takes the offered teacup and drains it in a single gulp. She makes no comment on this, so he improvises; the tea is now a pigeon. She loves it, and her smile makes him smile.
A pigeon? That’s the best I can do?
That one is a little harder to ignore.
She pours him another cup of tea. She can’t pour the cup into the tea, or make the sandwiches scream in agony as they are eaten, or regurgitate them whole through her ears. She’s all ticks and tocks. Soon she’ll have to go feed her animals, more creatures that require something so orderly as food and water and oxygen for their continued survival. Ticks and tocks.
Chaos isn’t ticks and tocks! Chaos is a tock-tock-wham-patooey-kersplow, with maybe a tick in there somewhere. This game is boring. Turn her into a tree and be done with it.
Shoved very far down.
He can’t blame her for not understanding. Oh, she tries so very hard, the dear pony. She wants him to feel welcome and loved, because to her that kind of thing matters.
Chaos doesn’t need love. Chaos doesn’t need friends. Chaos is perfect just the way it is.
Can she see how his smile is strained? She must, for she’s getting that look again. Concern. Such a curious concept. Such a pony concept. He’s tried emulating it with some success. His efforts to be more like them improve every day.
Why do I even care? I could turn the entire population of this town into petunias with a snap of my talons.
No, no, everything is fine. Just worried about whats-her-name. Tree Something-or-Other.
Hmm. Seems she didn’t find that one funny. He still didn’t have their sense of humor down. Ponies are much more complicated than they seem. Or is that much more simple? But he finds they can be delightful once he gets to know them a little better.
Someday, I will grow tired to this pretending. Someday, I will realize that there’s no purpose to imitating their habits.
Shove it down.
Someday I will remember that I am chaos incarnate, and all these so-called ‘relationships’ are meaningless, and I’ll set all of her friends on fire and laugh because her pleading and begging and beseeching and asking politely and realizing all of this is a big stupid sham will be the greatest long-running gag you’ve ever conceived!
His fist smashes the table. It snaps in two.
She doesn’t run away. She’s at his side in an instant with hoof on his shoulder. Asks if he is hurt.
He smiles. His fist unclenches. He relaxes into his seat. Yes, he's fine. Just coping with an old ache. After all, he's thousands of years her senior.
She asks more questions, but he gently rebuffs her. She accepts his words, because she trusts her friend. He fixes the table, sandwich plate and tea set with a snap of his tail, and she goes to get some more hot water. She can’t just make hot water out of thin air, or produce tea with cold water, or bring Zebrica and its tea leaves into her cottage with a clap of her hooves.
If I concentrate, I bet I can land her cottage right on the peak of Kilequinjaro from here!
She is just a creature of ticks and tocks.
Ticks and tocks.
Tick and tock.
Tick.
Tock...
I love the premise, and the characterization of Discord as the POV character with his inner monologue. And the ending's implication of "it's only a matter of time until" comes through with skill. It took a too-long moment to figure out who was speaking; it became clear soon enough to not throw off the story, though.
Some quibbles:
Which tea again?
It's probably better not to switch person here.
The surrounding letters led me to initially treat the "qu" as "k"-pronounced, ruining the embedding.
Some quibbles:
the tea is now a pigeon
Which tea again?
and I’ll … you’ve ever conceived!
It's probably better not to switch person here.
Kilequinjaro
The surrounding letters led me to initially treat the "qu" as "k"-pronounced, ruining the embedding.
An ambitious story. There's a thrilling moment when you figure out exactly who and what this is all about, but fortunately it provides enough hints to make it clear for anyone, I believe.
As for what it actually means in the end? Not sure yet.
EDIT: so, the Ticks and Tocks are clockwork imagery. orderly, repetitive, predictable; all of these he hates. but it's also time. much like a heartbeat, it's like a countdown to the ponies' limits of mortality. hence he keeps imagining these disturbing and violent whims.
I think I see the ending two different ways. the clock keeps ticking, so it's only a matter of time before Discord tosses it all away. It's all he thinks about, and he knowingly tries to conceal it. kind of a downer. but the other idea I had, looking at how the final line trails off....... it's like it just keeps going. despite how much he wants to betray her, believing it's inevitable, he'll never actually do it. the ticks and tocks will continue, counting every second that he pushes back that ugly finale, until eternity.
it's not quite my preferred kind of story, having this ambiguous message that could go either way. but I hope this is a decent start to analyzing this one, maybe others will have more refined ideas and understandings to add to this thread.
As for what it actually means in the end? Not sure yet.
EDIT: so, the Ticks and Tocks are clockwork imagery. orderly, repetitive, predictable; all of these he hates. but it's also time. much like a heartbeat, it's like a countdown to the ponies' limits of mortality. hence he keeps imagining these disturbing and violent whims.
I think I see the ending two different ways. the clock keeps ticking, so it's only a matter of time before Discord tosses it all away. It's all he thinks about, and he knowingly tries to conceal it. kind of a downer. but the other idea I had, looking at how the final line trails off....... it's like it just keeps going. despite how much he wants to betray her, believing it's inevitable, he'll never actually do it. the ticks and tocks will continue, counting every second that he pushes back that ugly finale, until eternity.
it's not quite my preferred kind of story, having this ambiguous message that could go either way. but I hope this is a decent start to analyzing this one, maybe others will have more refined ideas and understandings to add to this thread.
A simple interpretation of the prompt, but framed in a neat premise and excellent execution. Personally, I felt it apparent who the PoV character was from the second paragraph, so I didn't share that thrill, but it also didn't detract the from the experience in any way.
Got a bit cluttered for my tastes towards the end, when compared to the earlier stages of the story, but I really loved the closing lines (and how that phrase served as the spine of the story).
Great stuff. Thanks for sharing.
Got a bit cluttered for my tastes towards the end, when compared to the earlier stages of the story, but I really loved the closing lines (and how that phrase served as the spine of the story).
Great stuff. Thanks for sharing.
Genre: Fluttershy and Discord but not Fluttercord but I'm still down with it anyway
Thoughts: Okay, I decided to read and review one more story before I disappear entirely, and to make it the one with fewest reviews. And to my great pleasure, it's Discord & Fluttershy! :yay:
And it's good. Lands, it's good. It shows a Discord who's struggling mightily to restrain his more chaotic nature and who isn't sure if he can keep it together or even why he should, and yet there's something compelling him to do so. I'd argue that the story beefs that up enough so that this is more than just reader appeal talking (though frankly I've gotta say that wins this lotsa points with me). I like the complexity of Discord's inner voice and struggle.
So, now the bad news: this isn't on my slate. I'd rate this very highly if it was. If it shows up during finals, it's going somewhere near the top.
Thoughts: Okay, I decided to read and review one more story before I disappear entirely, and to make it the one with fewest reviews. And to my great pleasure, it's Discord & Fluttershy! :yay:
And it's good. Lands, it's good. It shows a Discord who's struggling mightily to restrain his more chaotic nature and who isn't sure if he can keep it together or even why he should, and yet there's something compelling him to do so. I'd argue that the story beefs that up enough so that this is more than just reader appeal talking (though frankly I've gotta say that wins this lotsa points with me). I like the complexity of Discord's inner voice and struggle.
So, now the bad news: this isn't on my slate. I'd rate this very highly if it was. If it shows up during finals, it's going somewhere near the top.
Okay, so this is REALLY well written. All the literary stuff is here to make this great. But my problem is that it's unpleasant to read. I'm reminded of nothing so much as Sylar from "Heroes", who considered all the others around him to be mere clockwork, and he'd cut into their brains and learn their secrets. So yeah, Discord as barely-contained serial killer is the vibe I get, and no matter how well written it is, that's not pleasant to read. Sorry to an (obviously good) author, but this is only got make the middle of my slate because of that.
This is a really good story with an interesting idea; I think does a very good job of showing what Discord and Fluttershy's relationship might seem like from his angle. I especially liked the clockwork imagery and his internal monologue.
That said, the story doesn't follow the prompt and so I'm forced to take off some points on my ranking of it. Discord doesn't ignore the problem – his internal desire to cause chaos – or hopes it'll disappear; he actively confronts and fights it. I hate being nitpicky like that, but it is an important matter as far as this contest. Sorry. <:)
Thanks for writing and sharing!
That said, the story doesn't follow the prompt and so I'm forced to take off some points on my ranking of it. Discord doesn't ignore the problem – his internal desire to cause chaos – or hopes it'll disappear; he actively confronts and fights it. I hate being nitpicky like that, but it is an important matter as far as this contest. Sorry. <:)
Thanks for writing and sharing!
Congratulations on a genuinely creepy story; makes you wonder just how long will it take before he snaps and everything goes to hell in a handbasket. Also makes you wonder - is he "shoving this down" because he doesn't want to give away the game too early, or because maybe, just maybe, he's genuinely trying to change?
One issue is that it takes a tad too long to establish that this is about Discord and Fluttershy; for some time I thought it was Celestia and by the time I realized who that was, I found myself having to reorganize my entire mental image of the situation.
One issue is that it takes a tad too long to establish that this is about Discord and Fluttershy; for some time I thought it was Celestia and by the time I realized who that was, I found myself having to reorganize my entire mental image of the situation.
Not my personal Discord headcanon (though I respect the idea that Fluttershy is the only thread keeping Discord from flying off the deep end), but evocative and creepy regardless. A thoroughly compelling piece that rocketed to the top of my slate as soon as finals rolled around.
I’m usually not a sucker for Discord, but I hand it to you this one was well written and all. An interesting PoV on the conflict unfolding in Discord’s mind. I wish you had introduced some other elements in it, like the memory of his former life or defeat. But that stream of conciousness was fine as is, and, as usual, we get a glimpse at Fluttershy's proverbial kindness.
This is very well written. As most of the other comments have said, it's creepy and truly evocative, in a way many other entries try to achieve and stumble at. Great imagery all over the place. Voicing is a little heavy handed and repetitious at times with the whole "gonna snap and kill them all someday" shtick, but if that's the goal it succeeds. Nice use of the prompt. Structure... again is slightly hurt by the repetition, it feels like some of this could be cut and distilled, and there isn't much in the way of movement. But it works and stays within the length limits.
Just one other little problem, though.
This is the most wildly out of character interpretation I think I've seen in any ponyfic.
The entire piece is Discord... being orderly. Showing discipline. Not just externally, but internally, deliberately suppressing himself while simultaneously musing about how his companion is a mystery and he doesn't understand ponies and she doesn't understand him and her kindness isn't really kind to him.
So... I don't buy it, at the most fundamental level. I would compare it to a piece about Twilight's internal monologue about how she doesn't really believe in friendship and secretly plots to murder everyone just so they'll shut up and leave her alone. Alternate interpretations can be interesting character exercises, but generally there should be a reason for doing that, and here, I don't see any such reason - or any indication that this is a parody or alternate take on the character at all. It reads like a 100% serious take on "this is how Discord might think," and for me, I just can't see it. This plays into the technical side as well, because the emotional effect of the characterization revolves around the creepy shock value of "Discord is always barely restraining himself from snapping and killing all ponykind."
Opinions on this will absolutely differ, I'm sure this won't be a popular viewpoint. But "based on FIM" is part of the criteria, and for me, personally, that includes keeping characters within a believable stone's throw of their canon characterizations unless they're being explicitly altered, and this Discord isn't believable to me. You can take a rock in a zen garden that's normally painted red, and you can make your own zen garden, with a similar or different arrangement, and paint the rock in that spot whatever color you want. But you can't tell me the original rock was actually blue all along.
As mentioned, though, good job on the prose. This concept is not something that works for me without some further elaboration or purpose, but no hard feelings, and thank you for writing!
Just one other little problem, though.
This is the most wildly out of character interpretation I think I've seen in any ponyfic.
The entire piece is Discord... being orderly. Showing discipline. Not just externally, but internally, deliberately suppressing himself while simultaneously musing about how his companion is a mystery and he doesn't understand ponies and she doesn't understand him and her kindness isn't really kind to him.
So... I don't buy it, at the most fundamental level. I would compare it to a piece about Twilight's internal monologue about how she doesn't really believe in friendship and secretly plots to murder everyone just so they'll shut up and leave her alone. Alternate interpretations can be interesting character exercises, but generally there should be a reason for doing that, and here, I don't see any such reason - or any indication that this is a parody or alternate take on the character at all. It reads like a 100% serious take on "this is how Discord might think," and for me, I just can't see it. This plays into the technical side as well, because the emotional effect of the characterization revolves around the creepy shock value of "Discord is always barely restraining himself from snapping and killing all ponykind."
Opinions on this will absolutely differ, I'm sure this won't be a popular viewpoint. But "based on FIM" is part of the criteria, and for me, personally, that includes keeping characters within a believable stone's throw of their canon characterizations unless they're being explicitly altered, and this Discord isn't believable to me. You can take a rock in a zen garden that's normally painted red, and you can make your own zen garden, with a similar or different arrangement, and paint the rock in that spot whatever color you want. But you can't tell me the original rock was actually blue all along.
As mentioned, though, good job on the prose. This concept is not something that works for me without some further elaboration or purpose, but no hard feelings, and thank you for writing!
>>Ranmilia
But that is the point of this story, isn't it? For Discord to be orderly and out of character. As he is in the show nowadays, in fact.
It's canon he worries about Fluttershy and hangs out with her, and it's also canon that he's immortal -- or at least long-lived -- and used to be all about chaos. Still is, but now he's sorta tamed thanks to Shy. This story takes that as a conflict and joins both sides of the charater by showing that he's sorta both at the same time; he's fighting against his primal impulses.
I don't think this is OOC at all, really. It sorta flows rather well with canon, if you assume Discord was this chaotic from the get-go. Shows the reasoning behind his redemption and so on.
The entire piece is Discord... being orderly. Showing discipline. Not just externally, but internally, deliberately suppressing himself while simultaneously musing about how his companion is a mystery and he doesn't understand ponies and she doesn't understand him and her kindness isn't really kind to him.
But that is the point of this story, isn't it? For Discord to be orderly and out of character. As he is in the show nowadays, in fact.
It's canon he worries about Fluttershy and hangs out with her, and it's also canon that he's immortal -- or at least long-lived -- and used to be all about chaos. Still is, but now he's sorta tamed thanks to Shy. This story takes that as a conflict and joins both sides of the charater by showing that he's sorta both at the same time; he's fighting against his primal impulses.
I don't think this is OOC at all, really. It sorta flows rather well with canon, if you assume Discord was this chaotic from the get-go. Shows the reasoning behind his redemption and so on.
>>Ranmilia
I’ll have to wildly disagree :p I mean, I guess I can't disagree based on what you've seen in a ponyfic, but based on the out of character bit.
I think we can agree that Discord is the spirit of chaos, and it is “in character” for him to like chaotic things. He is not being orderly in this story, though. He is trying to be orderly, and there’s a key difference, I think.
This story is suggesting that he is making an active effort to suppress his chaotic urges, assumedly since his reformation. It’s also suggesting his chaotic tendencies are due to urges that are difficult to control. I also like the ticks and tocks bit—order in his view is annoying and boring, like the tick tock of a clock after a while.
It doesn’t contradict his character, but rather suggests an explanation to his character that the show has not offered yet. That’s the point of fanfiction, I think—filling in the blanks that the canon show leaves unfilled.
I do agree that the murderous traits are a stretch. Personally, I would’ve enjoyed this fic more if the murder was not a part of it. However, regarding the orderly-ness, I disagree that it’s out of character and directly contradicts his show persona.
This is the most wildly out of character interpretation I think I've seen in any ponyfic.
I’ll have to wildly disagree :p I mean, I guess I can't disagree based on what you've seen in a ponyfic, but based on the out of character bit.
The entire piece is Discord... being orderly. Showing discipline. Not just externally, but internally, deliberately suppressing himself while simultaneously musing about how his companion is a mystery and he doesn't understand ponies and she doesn't understand him and her kindness isn't really kind to him.
I think we can agree that Discord is the spirit of chaos, and it is “in character” for him to like chaotic things. He is not being orderly in this story, though. He is trying to be orderly, and there’s a key difference, I think.
This story is suggesting that he is making an active effort to suppress his chaotic urges, assumedly since his reformation. It’s also suggesting his chaotic tendencies are due to urges that are difficult to control. I also like the ticks and tocks bit—order in his view is annoying and boring, like the tick tock of a clock after a while.
It doesn’t contradict his character, but rather suggests an explanation to his character that the show has not offered yet. That’s the point of fanfiction, I think—filling in the blanks that the canon show leaves unfilled.
I do agree that the murderous traits are a stretch. Personally, I would’ve enjoyed this fic more if the murder was not a part of it. However, regarding the orderly-ness, I disagree that it’s out of character and directly contradicts his show persona.
>>Aragon
>>FrontSevens
Thank you, friends! I don't want to get bogged down in a big discussion this minute, because I want to review the rest of the finalists before I have to sleep, but I see I was not very clear and should try to be moreso. It is not Discord's external actions that bother me here, but rather his internal narration itself. The way in which he expresses his thoughts here is structured and orderly. Even when he's ranting about disliking order, and having to restrain his conscious behavior, his thoughts themselves are very structured.
Repetition. Alliteration. Cadence. Rule of three. Sentence of narration, italicized sentence of thought, repeat. Patterns and order, ticks and tocks. This is the very voice of harmony! Fluttershy herself neither ticked, nor tocked, nor inserted those concepts into Discord's brain. He came up with them himself, he is the one thinking in terms of ticking and tocking in his own head. The only things that even approach chaos are some of the interjections, which themselves come at specific points in the piece, and contain themselves.
"I hate order and am restraining myself to behave orderly" is likely what the author was going for, I don't doubt that, but the orderly nature of the writing itself, especially Discord's voicing, undercuts it badly and turns it into an informed characteristic. To me, anyhow.
>>FrontSevens
Thank you, friends! I don't want to get bogged down in a big discussion this minute, because I want to review the rest of the finalists before I have to sleep, but I see I was not very clear and should try to be moreso. It is not Discord's external actions that bother me here, but rather his internal narration itself. The way in which he expresses his thoughts here is structured and orderly. Even when he's ranting about disliking order, and having to restrain his conscious behavior, his thoughts themselves are very structured.
Chaos doesn’t need love. Chaos doesn’t need friends. Chaos is perfect just the way it is.
Someday, I will grow tired to this pretending. Someday, I will realize that there’s no purpose to imitating their habits. ...Someday I will remember that I am chaos incarnate...
Repetition. Alliteration. Cadence. Rule of three. Sentence of narration, italicized sentence of thought, repeat. Patterns and order, ticks and tocks. This is the very voice of harmony! Fluttershy herself neither ticked, nor tocked, nor inserted those concepts into Discord's brain. He came up with them himself, he is the one thinking in terms of ticking and tocking in his own head. The only things that even approach chaos are some of the interjections, which themselves come at specific points in the piece, and contain themselves.
"I hate order and am restraining myself to behave orderly" is likely what the author was going for, I don't doubt that, but the orderly nature of the writing itself, especially Discord's voicing, undercuts it badly and turns it into an informed characteristic. To me, anyhow.
>>Ranmilia
Right, but that's just good writing. You can't expect the writer to write Discord's thoughts as a rambly unreadable mess just for the sake of it being "chaotic". I suppose you can see this as not immersive? but I would never say it's a bad call on the author's part to write the story in a way that makes it understandable and enjoyable prose-wise.
Rather, the opposite. If the story had been written in a worse style to make sure that it's 'chaotic', I'm 100% sure the story would've been far, far worse. This is a story first and foremost, and to be read is its purpose. Rule of three, repetitions, etc etc -- that's just technical writing, put in there to support the message. I really think you're approaching this in a completely misguided way, man.
Right, but that's just good writing. You can't expect the writer to write Discord's thoughts as a rambly unreadable mess just for the sake of it being "chaotic". I suppose you can see this as not immersive? but I would never say it's a bad call on the author's part to write the story in a way that makes it understandable and enjoyable prose-wise.
Rather, the opposite. If the story had been written in a worse style to make sure that it's 'chaotic', I'm 100% sure the story would've been far, far worse. This is a story first and foremost, and to be read is its purpose. Rule of three, repetitions, etc etc -- that's just technical writing, put in there to support the message. I really think you're approaching this in a completely misguided way, man.
>>Aragon
Well, that's why I think Discord's a very hard character to write, yes. That is indeed what I expect from someone trying to write his thoughts... and I don't think it's impossible to do well, or readably, or that very structured technical writing is always "better."
Here is an example from the previous Writeoff round. Very readable, very entertaining - that piece didn't make finals, but I felt it faltered mostly on content rather than technical. I think something like that style in the thought sections, interspersed into contrasting, more orderly narration describing Discord's external actions, would have made a world of difference for this entry. So much so that, yes, the choice not to attempt something like that stands out as a flaw. (Though not the only one, the concept of order here runs deeper than that, pervading... everything.) Anyway though, we seem to have reached a point where we're disagreeing on fundamentals, so I think that's about all I can say for now.
Well, that's why I think Discord's a very hard character to write, yes. That is indeed what I expect from someone trying to write his thoughts... and I don't think it's impossible to do well, or readably, or that very structured technical writing is always "better."
Here is an example from the previous Writeoff round. Very readable, very entertaining - that piece didn't make finals, but I felt it faltered mostly on content rather than technical. I think something like that style in the thought sections, interspersed into contrasting, more orderly narration describing Discord's external actions, would have made a world of difference for this entry. So much so that, yes, the choice not to attempt something like that stands out as a flaw. (Though not the only one, the concept of order here runs deeper than that, pervading... everything.) Anyway though, we seem to have reached a point where we're disagreeing on fundamentals, so I think that's about all I can say for now.
Mostly agreed with Xepher in that I'm off-put by the fact that this feels much more like a serial killer holding off on killing someone than anything else. Hell, I'd say this reads more like Q than Discord (though I suspect neither is really accurate). Like, it is actually kinda distracting that the first considered prank is cyanide. Yes, yes, kid's show vs more serious interps, but Discord has always leaned more funny chaos than, like, Q (Star Trek) or Bill Cipher (Gravity Falls).
Honestly, this comic kinda sums it up for me: https://derpicdn.net/img/2016/5/12/1152410/full.jpeg
That aside, I... don't think this story makes a good case for why he is trying not to be what he wants to be. Like, I assume the idea is he vaguely likes friendship with Fluttershy, but you really, really don't get that impression here. He in fact seems to have like, no affection for that. At all. This guy is in a worse relationship than Moondancer and Gilda.
Honestly, this comic kinda sums it up for me: https://derpicdn.net/img/2016/5/12/1152410/full.jpeg
That aside, I... don't think this story makes a good case for why he is trying not to be what he wants to be. Like, I assume the idea is he vaguely likes friendship with Fluttershy, but you really, really don't get that impression here. He in fact seems to have like, no affection for that. At all. This guy is in a worse relationship than Moondancer and Gilda.
Darn you, GroaningGreyAgony! Darn you to heck in a handbasket!
...
*cough*
I mean, congrats to the winners! This was certainly one of the more interesting WriteOffs I've been in, and not just because of how I placed this time around. Reminds me why I enjoy these things so much. I suppose it's time I did this retrospective thingamajig that all the 'cool' kids are up to these days.
>>Light_Striker >>Haze >>Ceffyl_Dwr >>CoffeeMinion >>Xepher >>eusocialdragon >>JudgeDeadd >>Posh >>Monokeras >>Ranmilia >>Aragon >>FrontSevens >>AndrewRogue
You know what they say about not doing your first story, but skipping to the next idea? Well, here you go. Ticks and Tocks was the second story I wrote for this Writeoff, and it did far better than I expected. By sheer coincidence, I had just finished reading Hoopy McGee's The Keepers of Discord and Feather Sigil's I Am Chaos for my weekly review blog when this Writeoff was started, and both served as inspiration for this. I got to wondering about what chaos is and what Discord might be going through trying to keep his natural self in check after his 'reformation.' This story was little more than a free flow of of me imagining that.
The story ended up both delighting and frustrating me. Delighting me because I liked this one about 10X more than The Last One, and frustrating me because for the first, say, 4 days of the Writeoff it seemed to be completely ignored. It was the Writeoff equivalent of watching the whimpy one shot you wrote in an hour get 5,000 views in a week while the epic masterpiece you toiled on for six months sits in the shadows earning a measly 100 (you all know that feeling, right?). Still, when the reviews finally started coming I was nothing short of delighted by the back-and-forth opinions and views it brought forward. It's the kind of feedback I wish I could get in all my stories.
Speaking of...
>>Light_Striker
Glad you approved of it! It's a shame you didn't care for my 'Kilequinjaro' ponification, though; I was rather pleased when I came up with that. Am I to assume that you'd have preferred Discord and Fluttershy being recognizable from the very first sentence? I know some critics demand something like that.
>>Haze
Funny, I didn't think of this as ambitious at all when I wrote it. And I consider myself pretty ambitious, at least when it comes to writing.
It's interesting to see two very different interpretations of Discord's situation like this. I have no intention of sharing which one I intended, but it still fascinates me that people can see things from a perspective I never anticipated.
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
Glad you liked it! I think I see what you're getting at with 'cluttered at the end'. Any suggestions on how I might fix that?
>>CoffeeMinion
Happy to know my interpretation of the situation (this time) meets with your approval!
>>Xepher
No doubt it's interpretations like these that ruined my chances this Writeoff, but it's fascinating that you took it so very far from what I intended. That being said, I can definitely see how you came to the conclusions you did, and will have to keep it in mind for any later scenes I may write with Discord. Perhaps if I avoided the more violent imagery, but I do have a habit of going darker than the average joe wants their ponefic.
>>eusocialdragon
And behold, the inevitable comment that comes out of nowhere and makes you think "How the heck did I not notice this?" One part of me thinks it's close enough to not really matter, and the other is banging his head against the wall because, darn it, you're right.
Oh well. I've always had trouble seeing those kinds of details until it's too late.
>>JudgeDeadd
Huh. Celestia wasn't anywhere in my mind when I wrote this, but I can see how some people would jump to that conclusion without a bit of guidance. It makes me wonder if I shouldn't make some sort of early change for the FimFic variant.
>>Posh
Actually, it's not my personal headcanon either. I like to come up with different backgrounds for different stories, which inevitably means altering the characters in ways that I don't actually believe in but may make for (what I hope is) interesting material.
>>Monokeras
A memory of his former life? Hmm... *jots down for notes for FimFic version*
Truth be told, I very rarely consider Discord, which is probably more of a bad thing than good for my stories. In fact, I'm not sure I can say I have a solid headcanon developed for him even after all this time.
>>Ranmilia
Honestly? I always thought that my ability to write Discord was nonexistent. As such, your criticism neither surprises me nor bothers me. I mean, someone was going to mention it, I was sure. Such commentary is certainly valid.
But at the same time, I can see >>Aragon's and >>FrontSevens's points as well. Some people just don't like the weird styles of stories like From That Day Forth, God's Hand Was Orange. Or, for a bigger example of writing styles gone weird, Eric Basso's The Beak Doctor. Many people prefer the organized writing regardless of who the narrator might be, and that's something that boils down to personal preference. I would also support the argument that the narrative creates the atmosphere of the piece, and while it may be possible to gain the same atmosphere in a less traditional style, I question my capacity to do so without putting forth a lot more effort than I had time to offer.
From that perspective, it may be that my greatest error was in making this 100% from Discord's perspective. Were I to keep it truly 'Discord,' I fully agree that screwing around with the traditional narrative style would have been apropos, but I made no attempt to do so. By keeping the narrative entirely in Discord's head, I laid the foundation for your complaints to have legitimacy, and that's entirely on me, even if not everyone agrees with them. Having read and enjoyed a few stories with strange narrative styles in my time, I can certainly appreciate the argument.
>>AndrewRogue
Interesting, another who took the story in a direction I never intended it to go. Clearly that's my bad for using darker imagery than was necessarily needed. I have a tendency to do that.
I think I'll hold off on doing one of these for The Last One, but only due to how long it took to write this one. Perhaps I'll produce that tomorrow. In the meantime, my heartfelt appreciation to everyone who commented and argued over my story. Thanks for making this the single most interesting entry I've had the pleasure of watching!
...
*cough*
I mean, congrats to the winners! This was certainly one of the more interesting WriteOffs I've been in, and not just because of how I placed this time around. Reminds me why I enjoy these things so much. I suppose it's time I did this retrospective thingamajig that all the 'cool' kids are up to these days.
>>Light_Striker >>Haze >>Ceffyl_Dwr >>CoffeeMinion >>Xepher >>eusocialdragon >>JudgeDeadd >>Posh >>Monokeras >>Ranmilia >>Aragon >>FrontSevens >>AndrewRogue
Ticks and Tocks
You know what they say about not doing your first story, but skipping to the next idea? Well, here you go. Ticks and Tocks was the second story I wrote for this Writeoff, and it did far better than I expected. By sheer coincidence, I had just finished reading Hoopy McGee's The Keepers of Discord and Feather Sigil's I Am Chaos for my weekly review blog when this Writeoff was started, and both served as inspiration for this. I got to wondering about what chaos is and what Discord might be going through trying to keep his natural self in check after his 'reformation.' This story was little more than a free flow of of me imagining that.
The story ended up both delighting and frustrating me. Delighting me because I liked this one about 10X more than The Last One, and frustrating me because for the first, say, 4 days of the Writeoff it seemed to be completely ignored. It was the Writeoff equivalent of watching the whimpy one shot you wrote in an hour get 5,000 views in a week while the epic masterpiece you toiled on for six months sits in the shadows earning a measly 100 (you all know that feeling, right?). Still, when the reviews finally started coming I was nothing short of delighted by the back-and-forth opinions and views it brought forward. It's the kind of feedback I wish I could get in all my stories.
Speaking of...
>>Light_Striker
Glad you approved of it! It's a shame you didn't care for my 'Kilequinjaro' ponification, though; I was rather pleased when I came up with that. Am I to assume that you'd have preferred Discord and Fluttershy being recognizable from the very first sentence? I know some critics demand something like that.
>>Haze
Funny, I didn't think of this as ambitious at all when I wrote it. And I consider myself pretty ambitious, at least when it comes to writing.
It's interesting to see two very different interpretations of Discord's situation like this. I have no intention of sharing which one I intended, but it still fascinates me that people can see things from a perspective I never anticipated.
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
Glad you liked it! I think I see what you're getting at with 'cluttered at the end'. Any suggestions on how I might fix that?
>>CoffeeMinion
Happy to know my interpretation of the situation (this time) meets with your approval!
>>Xepher
No doubt it's interpretations like these that ruined my chances this Writeoff, but it's fascinating that you took it so very far from what I intended. That being said, I can definitely see how you came to the conclusions you did, and will have to keep it in mind for any later scenes I may write with Discord. Perhaps if I avoided the more violent imagery, but I do have a habit of going darker than the average joe wants their ponefic.
>>eusocialdragon
And behold, the inevitable comment that comes out of nowhere and makes you think "How the heck did I not notice this?" One part of me thinks it's close enough to not really matter, and the other is banging his head against the wall because, darn it, you're right.
Oh well. I've always had trouble seeing those kinds of details until it's too late.
>>JudgeDeadd
Huh. Celestia wasn't anywhere in my mind when I wrote this, but I can see how some people would jump to that conclusion without a bit of guidance. It makes me wonder if I shouldn't make some sort of early change for the FimFic variant.
>>Posh
Actually, it's not my personal headcanon either. I like to come up with different backgrounds for different stories, which inevitably means altering the characters in ways that I don't actually believe in but may make for (what I hope is) interesting material.
>>Monokeras
A memory of his former life? Hmm... *jots down for notes for FimFic version*
Truth be told, I very rarely consider Discord, which is probably more of a bad thing than good for my stories. In fact, I'm not sure I can say I have a solid headcanon developed for him even after all this time.
>>Ranmilia
Honestly? I always thought that my ability to write Discord was nonexistent. As such, your criticism neither surprises me nor bothers me. I mean, someone was going to mention it, I was sure. Such commentary is certainly valid.
But at the same time, I can see >>Aragon's and >>FrontSevens's points as well. Some people just don't like the weird styles of stories like From That Day Forth, God's Hand Was Orange. Or, for a bigger example of writing styles gone weird, Eric Basso's The Beak Doctor. Many people prefer the organized writing regardless of who the narrator might be, and that's something that boils down to personal preference. I would also support the argument that the narrative creates the atmosphere of the piece, and while it may be possible to gain the same atmosphere in a less traditional style, I question my capacity to do so without putting forth a lot more effort than I had time to offer.
From that perspective, it may be that my greatest error was in making this 100% from Discord's perspective. Were I to keep it truly 'Discord,' I fully agree that screwing around with the traditional narrative style would have been apropos, but I made no attempt to do so. By keeping the narrative entirely in Discord's head, I laid the foundation for your complaints to have legitimacy, and that's entirely on me, even if not everyone agrees with them. Having read and enjoyed a few stories with strange narrative styles in my time, I can certainly appreciate the argument.
>>AndrewRogue
Interesting, another who took the story in a direction I never intended it to go. Clearly that's my bad for using darker imagery than was necessarily needed. I have a tendency to do that.
I think I'll hold off on doing one of these for The Last One, but only due to how long it took to write this one. Perhaps I'll produce that tomorrow. In the meantime, my heartfelt appreciation to everyone who commented and argued over my story. Thanks for making this the single most interesting entry I've had the pleasure of watching!