I get it that the point of the story was presenting Silver Spoon in a more sympathetic light, by showing how she tries but never gets along with regular ponies. The first scene did a pretty good job, with Silver awkwardly trying to fit in the only way she can imagine, believing that the way to have friends is to buy all the requisite cool stuff. The second scene isn't as well executed; awkward or not, Silver Spoon should know that dismissing others as "dumb" is a jerk thing to do, thus she doesn't come off very sympathetically.

This is an enjoyable and greatly adorable story, but unfortunately the ending is weak and makes the fic feel a tad aimless. I take it that the pregnancy was supposed to be a surprising reveal, but it is obvious since the very beginning. In fact the ending threw me for a bit of a loop: "Wait, you mean I wasn't supposed to guess that right away?" I expected we'd instead get a reveal of the father's identity, or something like that.

I think "blame the eyes" is a very weird way to put it, especially right after "blame her nose".

"real pretty" would be more AJ-ish than "really pretty".

"a few ponies who", not "that".

Mixing friendships and special someponies was a recipe for disaster.

I can't imagine Applejack thinking this, even if she's rationalizing. She's a family mare, and she of all ponies would have the wisdom to marry a friend.

I would also think that Applejack would take pause from the fact that Rarity detests young foals, and there's no way AJ would marry somepony without starting a family.

I must admit that neither Starlight nor Sunset are exactly my favorite characters, so the story didn't grab me that much. However, I did like the bits where Sunset realizes that Twilight's all but forgotten/stopped caring about her (hey, that's part and parcel of being a character from a side-story that doesn't even get mentioned in the show.)

Though, I have to question if even Starlight is stupid enough so as to leave Trixie in charge of Equestria's safety.

Edit: Also, I agree with >>Light_Striker that the girls casually tossing around the word "rape" like that is off-putting.

Crime/mystery is one of my favourite genres, and so I can be pretty sympathetic to narratives that encourage readers to dust off the ol' grey matter and puzzle stuff out. But here it doesn't seem necessary or relevant to the subject matter or the story you want to tell. As such, I found myself getting a little frustrated trying to piece together who said what, and attempting to link that content to form a set of consistent characterisation. Doubly so, in fact, because you actually have an intriguing premise and make strong inroads towards a piece exploring the impact of Pinkie's departure, and I was far too distracted with who said what to fully appreciate it.

I agree with the others that the ending is very sweet, and I applaud your ambitions with this fic, but it doesn't really do it for me in its current form, I'm afraid.

I take it that the narrator's a down-to-earth farmer of some sort, and portrayed sympathetically rather than as a dumb bumpkin. Now that looked promising; I don't think we get enough of these types of protagonists in the HiE genre (all those flat, bland, nice nerds, bronies and "Anons" who get along so easily with all the ponies grumble grumble.)

Unfortunately, I don't think the protagonist in this story really feels any different from the scores of others. At no point did I get the feeling that he was, or ever had been, alarmed or confused with his predicament. Sentences like "I’ve been taking this as bit of a vacation" make you wonder... what would it get to move this guy, if getting whisked to magic ponyland bothers him about as much as a tractor breakdown or a spell of flu. And even once he stumbles upon the track of something potentially ominous, he basically shrugs his shoulders and says "Eugh, no, that sounds like effort."

Can't say I understand what that proverb in the beginning is supposed to mean. That aside, though, I love this story. Other people mentioned that they can't decide whether this is a comedy or a serious story. Well, personally I feel that it balances comedy and seriousness pretty well - at times it feels like something out of Discworld.

“Time passed, and she died alone and miserable.”

“…So. The pain did go away.”

Pause. Frown. “Well, yes. Because she died. But—”

I literally can't help but chuckle every single time I read this part.

Anyway, one nagging question is: what's this all about Luna killing someone's husband? From the mention that he was a "guard" I get that he died in the line of duty and his widow lashed out at the princess herself.

“No. No, they never—you keep forgetting this. How do you keep forgetting this.”

For some reason I love this line. It lends an air of tragedy to the entire piece. It makes me feel of someone exasperated after years of caring for a cheerful patient with dementia.

These are statues, so how are the manes flowing? I'm not getting a clear picture here. "Lifelike statues" would help a lot.

Is the knickknack supposed to be the watch? Watches aren't knickknacks, because they have a useful function to them and you don't (usually) put them on display. Knickknacks are curiosities.

Who muttered the mutter, Maud or Starlight? If it's Starlight, I'd merge it with the above paragraph. At the very least it needs a tag telling us who is talking.

I'm not sure I get the ending. Why would they have to keep pretending if the prank is over and done with, and Pinkie's going to get the watch repaired? Do they think she'd be mad at them? I think the "let's bail" sentence seems too telly. Maybe, "Let's bail. I don't want to be stuck...", instead.

Either way, the ending was too flat. I'd have ended it a few paragraphs earlier, or else added more to the end to make it feel like there was a resolution. I'm left wondering exactly why they pulled the prank if they're afraid to admit that it was a prank to her face... it doesn't make sense to me. I have more questions than I started with, which is not usually good.

The last line really confused me. Maybe, "I had fun doing my Boulder impression, but I agree." As is, it took me a few reads to figure out what Maud was trying to say.

Almost, almost veers towards becoming too meta for my tastes, but there's enough excellent Starlight characterisation going on to distract me. This is pretty good, though a little more hinting of Twilight's motivations would have given greater depth to the story, and that final entry is befuddling to say the least.

The line about Trixie and Discord is just too hilariously earnest. So Starlight.

Thanks for sharing your work.

First sentence. "I don't know if I want to." To... what? Continue being here? Leave? I felt like there was something you were going to tell me but it never materialized. The problem is the tensing: "I've been here a month" makes the 'to' seem to imply (to me), "I don't want to have been here for a month." It doesn't fit for me. If we're in the human's headspace, we should at least know how he feels, and he's strangely nonplussed about everything. I can't get a grasp on his feelings so I have no idea what he means there.

The 'wallet' helped me realize this was HiE, but it's strange that Twilight wouldn't have had more questions for this bizarre creature. It's more strange that he describes Spike as a dragon, but says nothing about Twilight Sparkle, the magical talking alicorn. It's even more strange that the human would simply say, "these things happen", when presumably they've never seen magic in their life and are in a foreign land with talking ponies all of a sudden. I mean, they don't know if "these things happen", and they certainly don't happen among humans. They don't know if they'll ever get back home. This should be freaking anypony out. It doesn't make any sense unless Twilight cast a spell to calm them.

At the end of the story I'm left wondering why Twilight would lie, especially after an accident of this nature, and why the narrator knows this. Do they assume it because nopony seems to be bothered by their appearance? Or is it the clippings? And where did the clippings come from, anyway? If there's another human in the castle, why hasn't somepony in town said anything to them about the other human? How can one walk around town all day without bumping into the other one? I'm left with many unanswered questions, and most of these are questions that the protagonist should have the answer to, but aren't shared with the readers.

(You learn something new everyday. Today, I learned it's spelled "dopp kit", not "daub kit". Had no idea. What's a dopp, anyway?)

EDIT: Also, what the hey was Twilight trying to do? I cannot imagine her making 'substitutions' with a magic formula. No way, no how. There's enough of a description of the crystal that I feel like as the reader, I should be able to figure out what she's doing from the show, but I can't.

MORE DIFFERENT EDIT: Is this supposed to be Applejack? Why don't they visit Sweet Apple Acres if they're a farmer? If this is rainbow-person AJ, why doesn't she know where she is?

The ending of this story makes me feel like there's a much deeper meaning to it that I'm missing, especially given the pony names. I'm also left wondering if either of them is a changeling, or whether Figment specifically suspects that Clocks is a changeling. It doesn't sound like it's possible that Clocks is a changeling, and there are no love-related hints to go on.

I don't understand these two parts. They make sense to the characters, but, ha ha ha, the stupid, ignorant reader isn't clued in:

Other things, too.

wat

Is this implying that Figment is schizophrenic? What does he mean by this? It doesn't make any sense.

I was stupid and callow and young and a coward too, I suppose.

more different wat

Seriously, how is this cowardice? I don't understand what's going on here. Is this all in Clocks' imagination? Is he afraid to offer help to somepony desperately in need? Are they dreaming in cocoons?

Is this whole story abstruseness masquerading as secretive and meaningful?

http://media.oglaf.com/comic/trammels.jpg

The ending line just makes it worse. Why?

"Well, they’re insects, they have shiny black shells, and suck out your love." That last part seemed rather salacious to me; I kinda wanted to see it in action someday.

hot

(Also, 'tender for bartender is extremely weird. Nopony says 'tender. Unless you mean his love is delicious and tender? Aaaaugh! I'm seeing changelings all around me! Congratulations, author.) :ajbemused:

EDIT: Hmm. I'm pretty sure I'm seeing things and there's no deeper meaning here I'm missing.

Genre: Fluttershy and Discord but not Fluttercord but I'm still down with it anyway

Thoughts: Okay, I decided to read and review one more story before I disappear entirely, and to make it the one with fewest reviews. And to my great pleasure, it's Discord & Fluttershy! :yay:

And it's good. Lands, it's good. It shows a Discord who's struggling mightily to restrain his more chaotic nature and who isn't sure if he can keep it together or even why he should, and yet there's something compelling him to do so. I'd argue that the story beefs that up enough so that this is more than just reader appeal talking (though frankly I've gotta say that wins this lotsa points with me). I like the complexity of Discord's inner voice and struggle.

So, now the bad news: this isn't on my slate. I'd rate this very highly if it was. If it shows up during finals, it's going somewhere near the top.

This story presents an interesting enigma, but I'm left a little unfulfilled by it. I don't think this works well in 750 words: it leaves me wanting more, but in a frustrated sort of way. I'm also looking for a message here, which you're on the cusp of illustrating but don't quite get there.

I don't know how a scar can go from the forehead and then meander down to the pony's back. If it goes on the front of the throat, that would be deadly. You need to be more descriptive with a claim like that, because I'm not seeing it. Is it through the back of the mane? By the ear?

I echo what JudgeDeadd says. I don't understand why they all don't pass through the veil. I guess in this case, the romance is enough to keep them together in this strange dreammare, but what about Valencia?

In this tense it should be "it never", not "it's never".

Also, I think you meant to capitalize Shimmer. :trollestia:

That's my slate of 16. I'll try to get to the rest tomorrow, but there's a chance I'll ignore the deadline.

>>Trick_Question

According to Google:

[BRITISH] (informal)
A line of schoolchildren walking in pairs.

I think I'm a little late to the party here. I have to agree with the other comments regarding the slight characterisation quibbles, though on the whole I enjoyed your portrayal of a younger, more vulnerable Dash. Her initial exchange with Dumbbell is suitably charged and sparkly (though I might question the use of the word 'retort' to signal an opening salvo), and:

“You can’t kick me out!” she shouted. “Because I quit!”

feels pretty much spot-on.

I'm personally struggling to see much of the prompt in this, though. But it was still a nice read, and with a little polish could be even more of one.

Thanks for sharing your work.

Decently well-written, vague smile worthy skewering of fandom stuff, though, at the same time, it does sort of try to have its cake and eat it too with an at least fandom tangential presentation of Lyra while simultaneously skewering the ship.

That said, ehhhhh... this one feels a little more mean-spirited than I generally like for this sort of mockery (really it's in the going after the physical qualities), and it honestly feels like Lyra doesn't really learn her lesson at all either, despite Bon Bon presenting it on a silver platter.

She is allowed to touch Holder’s Boulder.

Suspension of disbelief has been broken. Sorry, that's too unrealistic.

In all, this was amusing.

>>Light_Striker
Here's the problem with all of that. It's not what the author said in the story and it shouldn't matter what genre you're working in. Words have actual real meanings. It is the author's job to understand that and if he decides to stray from that meaning then he has to explain it.

This entire issue could be easily fixed. All Princess Celestia had to note was that Tirek's life had been extended due to his magical prowess. If that made the story too long then edits to Twilight's 500th birthday, the book, and Princess Celestia's goodbye could have been made and nothing would have been lost.

I thoroughly enjoyed this story.

This was another story I enjoyed. I've been in your "shoes" little alligator. Add 250 words and should I find it I'll fave the hell out of it.

I saw the reveal coming but I was fine with that. Overall, I found it to be an interesting take on a subject that has been broached in a couple of other stories I've read. Personally I think this was handled quite well and even if it did at times get cutesy I had fun reading it.

Hm. Hm. So I'm torn. I had fun with this and the snobby voice of Gummi is enjoyable, but I don't think it is quite philosophy enough or quite science enough, stranding it in this odd place where I'm kinda unsure what to make of Gummi. Is he actually an intelligent creature being held back, or is he truly a mad thing?

Also, in circumstances like this, I kinda wonder why he doesn't just leave? Always a problem with two sapient creatures, and I don't see a reason for him to stay (unlike, I dunno, super-intelligent Waddles in Gravity Falls).

There are some good bits (I especially appreciate the "spaghetti incident" part, though I admit that I didn't pick up on it until I read >>CoffeeMinion's comment), but it is a bit too cringy for me, and it doesn't really do enough with its premise to redeem itself.
And John should really be smart enough to at least realize that Lyra shouldn't know anything about Equestria Girls.


>>Light_Striker
I assume that they always wander into the Everfree Forest because HiE stories almost always involve the human ending up there at some point. Admittedly, they do usually start out in the Everfree Forest and then find their way out of it and into Ponyville pretty quickly, but I think it's still enough of a cliche to make this a workable use of it.

>>Ceffyl_Dwr
It's referencing an ad campaign that turned into a meme. Basically, replace all the horse stuff here with human stuff, and you'll pretty much have one of those commercials. There really isn't much content needed.

Now I love comedies and parodies, and I even wrote a (surprisingly successful) commercial for a writeoff once. But this just did not work very well for me. You might have been able to get away with not having any sort of plot or anything if the jokes were consistently really funny, but a lot of them were just okay to me. And it really doesn't help that half of your lines and a big chunk of your words are that same "She is the most interesting mare..." part that gets repeated every time. And yet it still manages to feel like it goes on for too long.

I think there's something good in here, but it needs a lot more meat to really be enjoyable. Or you could have at least tried to subvert our expectations towards the end to make it more interesting.

So what you're saying is that pony heads are bigger on the inside?

I've never cared much for Trollestia, but I have no other real problems with this. It does what it sets out to, and it does it well enough.

I'm just going to say this since no one else has:

I love your filly-Pinkie Pie. She was great and cute and amazing and...
Anyway, it'd be great to see this expanded so the story can grow, and because it'd likely mean we'd get more of your filly-Pinkie Pie.

I didn't mind the lack of dialogue tags, and I didn't find it hard to figure out who each character was. Unless the two in the first section were supposed to be anypony specific, and not just unspecified neighbors.

Maud's section was definitely the best.

I wonder about the title. It's probably a reference to One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, but it's been so long since I've seen that movie that I can't say if there's any connection there. Unless you're trying to say that Pinkie is insane, but I think that's a given.
Or if it's referring to the nursery rhyme that the book/movie was (apparently) named after, then I think it's a bit backwards. Pinkie is "flying" away from the Rock Farm, not to it. Unless Mrs. Cake is the "One" in this case. But then I have even less of an idea what it could mean.

So, Sunset Shimmer is actually from over a thousand years in the past, but travelling to the world of Equestria Girls thrust her into what we know as the present, just like it did with the Dazzlings.

Okay, cool.

As others have mentioned, the fact that whatever Princess Celestia was up to before Sunset's arrival is never revisited is a glaring issue, but other than that, I found this to be quite enjoyable. Unless there's some significance that we're missing or has simply been misplaced, I'd suggesting doing away with that part entirely and focusing on the story presented here. I'd definitely find it to be a worthwhile read.

Just once, I want to read a story about post-banishment Celestia where she's like "I'm so glad Luna's gone and I don't have to pretend to like her anymore. She was such a bitch. God."

...Anyway, that's all I have to say about this. It was one of the last on my original slate that I hadn't yet reviewed, and everything that I think I could have said (well done, but it's also well-beaten ground, and it doesn't bring anything especially noteworthy or inventive to the mix besides the possibility of princest? which >>Trick_Question also picked up on?) has already been said.

So, uh. Look at this gif of Rara.

Okay, so. So. Sooooooo.

Having finished my slate, I'm gonna make an effort to read and rank every one of the entries this round. Bad news is that I doubt I'll be able to review all of them. It's a trade-off.

Hope that changes in the finals though.

>>Posh
How dare you unleash that cute-a-beetes picture of Coloratura on us. You monster.

I don't buy that the royal guards, especially one claiming to be so close to Celestia, would have somehow completely missed the whole "sun came up several hours late and now Luna's back" thing.

And this story just doesn't fit in the timing of the show at all. Celestia sent her letter right after she got Twilight's. Are we supposed to assume that Celestia came up with this idea to send Twilight to take care of the Summer Sun Celebration, and then purely by coincidence, Twilight sent her a letter about Nightmare Moon? And I find it hard to believe that Celestia wouldn't have her plans to send Twilight to Ponyville figured out by this point. And your timing is off. When Twilight first told Celestia about Nightmare Moon and got her reply, she said that the Summer Sun Celebration was "the day after tomorrow." So basically, you're off by a day. I suppose that's forgivable because that extra day does kind of quietly disappear on the show, but it just compounds with everything else here.

And the whole "royal guard who is secretly bffs with Celestia" cliche is kinda overdone, and doesn't actually add anything to the story. Why not just use someone like Cadance instead? Then you wouldn't have to go through all this "look at me, the fancy ponies think I'm a nobody, but I'm really better than them" stuff. You could have even had Cadance already in on the plan to have Twilight make some friends and beat Nightmare Moon, and have her shocked that Celestia hadn't sent Twilight to Ponyville months ago like she was supposed to.

>>CoffeeMinion

What's this I hear about cute things? Something cute appeared and no one brought it to my attention?

Edit: Oh, now I see it.

Hits the prompt, but it feels tacked on. There's a good core to this, a ghost needing a friend, but I'm not sure that's enough. That it takes only one meeting and then she passes on weakens it emotionally for me. Friendship is more than just being nice to someone once, so the resolution feels like it missed the point of real friendship. Also, as others noted, Twilight "ignoring" this seems implausible.

Some awkward phrases here and there, but not too distracting. Overall though, it feels a bit flat too me. Dash just rants, and the others state the obvious responses and platitudes. It's not that any of it is really in error, it just feels like it's reaching for more emotion than it actually connects with, at least for me. Part of that may be this all seems to take place within a day of saving Luna, and so all these concerns and implications shouldn't be nearly so well thought out yet.

So, my honest reaction is basically "WTF?" This is... Well, I've got the impression I stumbled onto someone's fetish. I expected humor here, but nope. Nothing here comes across as parody or comedy to me. It's just gross details. I mean, a point here or there for a "unique" interpretation of the prompt, but otherwise... sorry, but no.

This is working to be a cute, behind the scenes look at Royal burdens, but the emotions are haphazard. Celestia swings wildly from formal modes of address to dancing wildly. The relationship isn't fleshed out enough, so it feels non sequitur for these things to happen in such short succession. The ending also slams in way too much explanation about Luna to try to tie up loose ends too. Lastly, the connection to the prompt feels tenuous.

That said, I do like the core premise. Royalty as "human" (pony) is always a good trope, so there's something that can work here if it's polished up.

Needs scene breaks for sure. The lack really threw me a couple of times when it switched from parents back to schoolyard. Overall, not badly written, but I fear it doesn't really go anywhere. Fluttershy is just bullied and leaves school. No lesson is learned on either side, no morals about bullying or how to respond to bullies. They just move away. (If that's some intentional interpretation of "ignore it" then it's too subtle.) The last part is far too sudden. She instantly makes friends with Dash at the end, and nothing more happens.

This has a good handle on the emtions. Celestia always giving more chances is spot on for her character. Has some typos, but the ending feels right, which is what matters. Also, clever literalization of the prompt. So yeah, good marks all around.

Bait and switch about literary conventions. Does well for what it sets out to do, but not really my bag. Also, I don't see any connection to the prompt.

Clever use of verb ("fret") to get around how hooves play guitar chords. But I'm afraid the overall story just doesn't hook me. I don't feel the angst the character is seemingly dealing with, so it sounds false to me I think. Maud is centered and rational in canon, and this doesn't quite convince me otherwise. Not really sure if I'm making sense, but... well, yeah, it just doesn't grab me.

This does a relatively common plot, but does it well. Having Spike be the voice of hard facts really works, and seeing him have to take the role of the grown up is the natural evolution of their current (canon) dynamic. The overall moral comes across really strong as well. This is the final friendship lesson that everyone has to learn, and it's told wonderfully here. Good job!

Okay, so this is REALLY well written. All the literary stuff is here to make this great. But my problem is that it's unpleasant to read. I'm reminded of nothing so much as Sylar from "Heroes", who considered all the others around him to be mere clockwork, and he'd cut into their brains and learn their secrets. So yeah, Discord as barely-contained serial killer is the vibe I get, and no matter how well written it is, that's not pleasant to read. Sorry to an (obviously good) author, but this is only got make the middle of my slate because of that.

Hmm... second one I've seen in this contest alone that kills Fluttershy. The bit with the circling is a bit confusing. Took me a moment to realize that the "keep going right" thing was just a circle, not some weirder maneuver or something. Getting past that, the main set up here works, Twilight is avoiding something unpleasant, and it takes just long enough for the reader to glean what it is.

The ending is the hit or miss here though. It feels like comedy thrust into tragedy, but... I also see a case for cute and fluffy being a symbol of Fluttershy herself. Something isn't less tough or less serious because it's "cute" or "kind." The problem is this story doesn't set that up right. If this is the payoff, there needs to be foreshadowing or hints of some kind to connect this ending to the bulk of the story. As it is, it feels a bit tacked on... a cheap dose of sugar to lighten the fallout.

Today’s mashups are brought to you in part by the Weiland-Yultani corporation, the letter “F,” and by viewers like you. Thank you!

---

Guy-Girl Stuff - A sequel to Cold in Gardez’s classic Naked Singularity wherein Twilight seeks to revolutionize Equestria’s sex-ed curriculum. Will she succeed, or will she only end up inflicting permanent scars on her pilot classful of students? (Spoiler alert: the fallout from day 1’s lesson about pregnancy is topped only by day 2’s lesson about prostate health.)

A Forgotten Pink Shadow - Thoughtform-Pinkie gets ignored by her family and takes… shall we say, an interest in baking to ensure her memory (and therefore her existence) will endure.

"Can’t Buy Everything!" The Widow Cried - Prior to having her flamethrower privileges revoked, the recently-returned Princess Luna inadvertently burns down most of the primary educational facilities in the greater Canterlot area (extending to Ponyville). When Silver Spoon’s family moves to town, they discover that the only school with open seats is Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. Despite being an earth pony, Silver Spoon’s mom is determined to get her in, no matter the cost. But to do so, she must convince its vice principal (also Luna) to admit her.

Headache From The Skies - With the Mane 6 and Bon Bon distracted by a bugbear attack, Lyra finds herself struggling to repair Bon Bon’s spare interociter in time to stand against the true threat: Calamity John Beasley!

Those Who Go Down To The Sea With Dos Equines - They are the most interesting crew in the world. It’s said that they once put into port and the whole island sank. Pirates board their ship to get robbed. They always know where the rum’s gone. Please set your ship on fire responsibly.

This is a very well-written piece, very atmospheric and with a great deal of emotional appeal. I think my favorite part was the old crew coming back to the ship for a final send-off. And while I do agree with others that the story doesn't feel as 'pony' as it should, I don't consider that a major distraction from the story.

What does hurt it in my ranking is the fact that the story doesn't seem to me to really have anything to do with the prompt. Neither the crew nor the ship try to ignore the fact that the ship is headed for permanent decommission, hoping that will go away. I know that this is serious nitpicking on my part, but that's just the way I feel. <:)

It might have helped if, rather than being calmly resigned about its fate, the ship had had the attitude of “I'm doing just fine thank you, nothing a little more caulking or some new rigging wouldn't cure!”. During the party, the ship is more like “Ah, they've come to celebrate! They're obviously getting ready to have me repaired and refitted!”.

And then the ship is scuttled.

This would have been more in line with the prompt. Sorry if I've been harsh, it really is an excellent piece and one that I enjoyed reading, but not one I can put at the top of my reading list (much as I would like to).

It felt like wordbuilding shoved right down my throat. While not unpleasant, it lacks something to be really enjoyable.

I didn't really care that the story looked like Petriculture. What I care though, is how a premise leads to something else. Here, the only thing explained is the premise. It is really well explained and I enjoyed both the reading and the explanation. Unfortunately, that's not enough to feel this resolved.

However, I strongly encourage you to expand it (or bring back the part you had to cut off) and publish on FimFic and I would be happy to read it.

At first I was "WTF?" and then I was all "Why am I reading this?" and then came the "oooooh."

Unexpected, unrepentant, and on the whole not bad. This was a gamble, and at least from my perspective it worked well. I particularly like the inversion of the common target in all mediums that is 'girl stuff'.

Not an amazing piece of literature, but certainly a brave one, and that ups it in my eyes a bit.

A solid piece; not anything to write home about (sorry <:), but it gets the job done in telling the audience what's going on.

But like some others said, there's no new ground covered with Rainbow Dash; it's just a segment of her life, and one that she really doesn't have any control over. She spends most of this story reacting instead of doing anything.

What might have helped is if you pulled the whole 'Rainbow is getting expelled for her lack of school performance' into the earlier part of the story, perhaps through a series of quick flashbacks show Rainbow choosing to repeatedly goof off instead of study. This would have made the story fit the prompt better, as well as given the story something of a moral - “This is what happens when you ignore essential things in your life”. It would also give the ending more emotional power, as it would now show that Rainbow still has the same problem that got her into this mess in the first place.

All of that said, thanks for writing and sharing!

Like other people, I thought this one was well-written and atmospheric. And the subject matter, of Twilight having to outlive her friends because she's an alicorn, while well-worn is a good subject for the writing prompt.

That said, I don't care for the characterization as is. Spike is way to much of a jerk in this story; he's also a near-immortal who had just as close a connection to the others as Twilight, and I would think his actions and words would be leavened with at least some sympathy and understanding – a sort of “I know this is bad for you, but we need to do this” vibe. As it is, he doesn't seem to care at all about her feelings on the matter. (Nor does he seem to care about the possibility of alienating his last remaining friend from that group; as an immortal, Twilight might remember this exchange for a very long time...)

There's also the fact that Twilight is actually made of much sterner stuff than is presented here (a very common problem, even in canon these days, so I don't blame the author that much). After all, at the beginning of the series Twilight was willing to personally face down Nightmare Moon, and later to talk down Applejack in “Applebuck Season” (just to name a couple of examples). I don't think she'd really hesitate being at her friends' deathbeds, even if it tore her up inside; and as a princess she'd feel that it was a necessary gesture to the members of her court. Alternatively, I can see her trying to ignore the matter of her friends' mortality so much that she goes insane and simply acts as though it's still during the time of the series (in which case I'd see Spike being comforting rather than angry). But she is definitely not a coward.

I think the problem here is a lack of information. The story is set decades after the series, and something obviously caused Twilight to retreat into something of a shell and be reluctant to face her friends' deaths, as well as cause a massive rift between her and Spike. What was it? Answer that and the character's actions will be on a much more solid footing.

Hope that all didn't sound to harsh, and thanks for sharing!

This is a really good story with an interesting idea; I think does a very good job of showing what Discord and Fluttershy's relationship might seem like from his angle. I especially liked the clockwork imagery and his internal monologue.

That said, the story doesn't follow the prompt and so I'm forced to take off some points on my ranking of it. Discord doesn't ignore the problem – his internal desire to cause chaos – or hopes it'll disappear; he actively confronts and fights it. I hate being nitpicky like that, but it is an important matter as far as this contest. Sorry. <:)

Thanks for writing and sharing!

*pouts* I wanna meet a ghost...

Not a bad story overall. I see no point in reiterating what everyone else has already said, so I'll just note that I agree on the Twilight-not-investigating issue and think this would have worked better if it had had another 500-1000 words to play with.

But again: not bad.

This is a pretty decent fic you've written here. I like the idea of Luna not seeming to quite get the whole 'death thing' and the example provided to show it.

I think the biggest problem with the story is Luna's characterization. While she might be the 'ditzy' one of the two (if you can call it that), I don't think she'd wave away a direct accusation of murder, nor would she be ignorant of the idea of relatives who look like each other (though there could be a 'They really do all look alike...' joke if you wanted).

I think what might help is if the widow simply expressed her grief rather than making accusations (to one of the god-rulers of Equestria, with said ruler's even more powerful sister in attendance...seriously, that mare's crazy). Also, if you introduced the idea of reincarnation (with the idea that the couple in the latter segment really is the widow and her love reunited) and had Celestia simply think her sister's crazy, that would make Luna seem wise as opposed to just being nuts. (It would also be an extremely rare instance of the prompt actually being correct and positive.)

Thanks for sharing!

>>CoffeeMinion
I tried to "ignore" these mashups, but I couldn't make them go away!

In Which Starlight Glimmer Discovers the Castle Has Structural Faults

Twilight's been painting over the walls to avoid having to repair the cracks in the walls. Starlight finds that a lonely ghost is all that's keeping the castle from falling apart. Starlight must choose between solving the ghost's friendship problem and saving their home.

A Headache in the Mind

Lyra is introduced to a disgusting overweight changeling. Using its hive mind, it asks annoying questions directly into Lyra's head nonstop.

Minuette's Knickers Replacement Service

Minuette offers a filly to help find her missing pants. Instead, she brings her to Petunia, who digs up an ancient pair of pants from a buried treasure. Minuette never outgrew her childhood pants.

Girl Talk for Children

Little Twilight listens to a bedtime story read by her mother. When she interrupts, the main character becomes pregnant for no reason. When Twilight protests that this isn't fair, she is told that she is already three weeks pregnant herself and having a bad dream.

And then Twilight Sparkle craved a popsicle. With pickles.

This is an interesting piece, covering the idea of whether to worry about changeling infiltration and the idea of just ignoring it (so it very much follows the prompt). I though you did a good job covering Figment's paranoia, and just the whole murky atmosphere of the matter.

That said, a lack of information hinders this piece. Who does Figment think is a changeling? Why? Is there actual objective proof of Figment's claims? Or can it simply be explained away as “It's all in his head”? There's not enough information provided so the story and Figment's concerns seem too detached; fill those blanks in and this could be a really good story.

Thanks for sharing!

I want to actually write in another one of these, and yet they keep happening on days when I can't. Ho well, so it goes, I can probably toss out at least a slate-ish of critiques.

A note on methodology, for anyone who actually reads the whole discussion thread: As usual, all of my comments will be written as though the entry they respond to is a super serious attempt at writing the best story possible, fitting the prompt and format requirements, with goals of improving general writing skills and winning over a judging panel of stuffy academics.

Of course, this is only a pretense, and I am well aware that the above does not describe how most Writeoff entries are actually written (especially in FIM Mini rounds!) And that's fine! Approaching commentary from this angle is simply the method I feel most fits my own strengths, and allows me to give the most helpful feedback.

Hm, what's that you're saying, imaginary companion? This comment is getting to be overly rambling and expository, and, while technically making sense, still bears no relevance to the subject it's supposedly about? Hm, hm yes, yes indeed.

... Okay, seriously though. "Submitted works to this event should fall under the following description: Fiction based on Friendship is Magic." The most generous interpretation of the ending could connect it to this site, or maybe FIMFic, but it isn't specified and anyway FIM fanfiction is not FIM itself. Not going to do well in voting, blah blah blah most everyone else has covered the angle there.

Anyway, this isn't FIM, it's Worm, with "Behemoth the fiery Endbringer" namechanged to "Polyphemus the fire Tyrant." Even here, the dread spectre of Wormfic reaches out with its icy talons. We cannot escape. We can never escape.

The piece itself is pretty bland and boring. The first two sentences tell the whole story, and if that wasn't enough, the next two illustrate it. The rest is continued repetition of the basic concept, except for a bit of switch to emotional hurt at the end. I don't get any sense of who the protagonist is, or what the world around them is like (except for tropes I can recognize from other Worm fics.)

These are problems that could have been fixed together. Instead of Star Wars, Breaking Bad and Game of Thrones, all very generic popular media, why not take those opportunities for characterization by naming some more specific titles? Have them reading some philosophy, or All-Star Superman, or some escapist sci-fi novels. Tell us what kind of porn they use for the quick hit distraction (er, within limits of reasonable taste, of course!) Instead of dropping some other cape names and leaving it at that, tell us what the protagonist thinks about them, or maybe how one of them interacts with him in the current moment. Maybe Hyperman shows up and greets the protag with that punch, and that's how they get dragged over to help with the incident - some additional narrative certainly wouldn't go awry.

Anyway, thanks for writing!

>>Haze

In Which Starlight Glimmer Discovers the Castle Has Structural Faults

Okay, that one actually sounds really compelling. I'd love to read that.

This is a very interesting and enjoyable piece, and with a really unusual premise. The puns were inserted into the narrative well for the most part, and I personally liked them and though they added a good deal of charm to the story.

However, prompt insert aside, this story doesn't really adhere to the writing prompt. Twilight and Trixie's response to the problem – the enchanted pants – isn't to ignore it and hope it'll go away; they directly confront the problem and the story is resolved when the problem has been dealt with.

That said it was fun reading, and I thank you for sharing!

To tell the truth, I didn't really feel much for this one. As others have stated, it feels really cruel for Pinkie and Rainbow to cage Twilight like that, especially for something like a surprise birthday party.

It's also confusing, going from a 1984 re-education camp type location (I serious wondered if Twilight had crossed over into Fallout: Equestria) to being in a dentist's chair getting examined by Minuette and then the whole party thing. There's too much of a 'what is this supposed to be?' vibe for me to really get attached to it.

Thanks for sharing, though!

What's this? Could it be?! The elusive non-Twilight Mane Five?!?! It IS!

Nice solid character piece here. It has a structure and progression, fits mini length very well, easily distinguished characters with unique voices and personalities, all that good stuff. I can tell right away this is going to be high on my slate. Some flaws, though.

I didn't see much of a connection to the prompt, personally. Other comments say that the ending line linked them in to it. To me, "bear with it and see what happens" is very much not the same thing as "ignore it and it will go away," nothing's getting ignored or going away in this scenario, but ehn, I guess it's at least in a similar ballpark.

Lots of typographical errors. They get in my grill. Practice constant revision and fixing them as you go, instead of doing a single/low number of passes after you finish.

Dash... Dash is an issue. This read like a Dash Bash to me initially, and while I don't think it falls squarely into that zone, it does take her out of character in one very significant way: Dash is the element of Loyalty. That's supposed to be her #1 defining character trait, but her attitude in this piece is anything but loyal. I'm also not completely sold on the premise: why does she think being a popular legendary friendship laser hero is somehow less awesome than just being a Wonderbolt?

Anyway, not bad at all. Thanks for writing!

Minstrel nodded. “That sounds fun like fun[...]

Fun does sound like fun. Because it's fun.

I jest. We're all allowed the odd typo now and then, and this one certainly otherwise delivers what it sets out to do. Might be a small question mark over the ending, certainly if the previous comments are anything to go by, as it seems to want to straddle two tones/meanings. But maybe that's just how I've interpreted it.

Cute stuff. Thanks for sharing.

This is a very interesting piece, seeing as it shows Gummi as some sort of super-genius intellectual trying to puzzle out the secrets of the universe while having to endure Pinkie Pie's randomness. It thought it was very well written, and some of the bits – such as Gummi seeing Owlowiscious as some sort of 'hack with connections' – I found very enjoyable. It also very much follows the prompt, to the point that you might want to tone down the prompt-dropping a little (though maybe not, since in this case it'd be understandable if Gummi had turned the words into a mantra).

As for nitpicks, I'll have to agree that the Pinkie/Rarity thing is a little out of place; I don't have a personal problem with it, it just doesn't do anything for the story. And, like some others have said, if Pinkie aggravates Gummi that much, why doesn't he leave? (Or can't he leave...?)

Anyway, very good and thanks for sharing!

It's a well-written piece, and like a lot of other people have said it has a number of good ideas with potential.

But I agree that it doesn't have much tension, there is no great immediate threat or problem that needs to be taken care of. Yes, there's a hole in the government, but that will take time no matter what happens; of more import and urgency would be something like “How do we convince ponies that Celestia won't turn evil as well?”.

There's also the fact that it actually goes against the writing prompt. Celestia is ignoring the problem – what to do in Luna's absence – but actively figuring out how to confront and overcome it.

Sorry if I'm sounding overly critical. And thanks for sharing!

i can't believe fluttershy is bucking dead

Toss me on the "not believable that Twilight would not immediately investigate a ghost" pile. Or, to look at it from another perspective, I don't know why Starlight is the protagonist here instead of anypony else. She doesn't seem to bring anything to the story that FRIENDSHIP BOT 9000 wouldn't, and that's unfortunate because the setup itself is fairly generic and the ghost is Fluttershy. Reading this is all right, but mostly makes me want to read the same scenario with different characters who might bring some more zest to the piece.

All right, maybe that isn't entirely accurate. There are some phrases that stand out. Starlight brings a heaving chest to the table, perfect for hugging ghosts with misty eyes and manes that seem to flow in gentle, ethereal breeze, until they glow and become too intense and then fade all at once and... oh. Oh. Oh, I see.

You know, I actually like this more after figuring out that it's Starlight's cover story to Spike about her totally platonic interaction with a ghost that mysteriously won't be seen around the castle again. Or, at least, I'm going to choose to interpret it that way, rather than the less charitable "slightly creepy ship bait."

I wish we'd gotten to see more of Willow's story.

On the whole, though, this is a quite solid piece. Good structure, fits itself into the mini length, characters are basic but at least they exist, hooks and maintains reader interest. Solid stuff, thanks for writing!

>>Haze I would read Minuette's Knickers Replacement Service in a heartbeat.

Personally, I didn't find an issue with the character choices; given the confines of the story they all seem to work and play off each other well enough to me. The setup is pretty amusing but I felt the ending fell a little flat. Keeping it as a prank by Celestia feels like the stronger possible conclusion here, but this is undermined by the admission of the real answer being 'it's magic', and the overall effect is muddied.

Good fun though. Thanks for sharing your work.

>>Xepher
The connection could be that the reader has to ignore any bad feeling he could feel towards the ending and it will go away.

Anyway, I agree with what has already been said. It uses the meta angle just to troll. I did chuckle but I couldn't really get much else. So a mid-tier for me with still congratulations for this piece which can almost only fit during a Writeoff round.

>>Posh
Perhaps:

The Eye That Floats Unblinking In Minuette's Kn--

*record scratch*

:trollestia:

>>Haze
Seconding all of this.

This story feels incomplete. It's close, but doesn't quite get there, because other than slavish adherence to the prompt I can't find a reason for the narrator not to talk to SOMEONE about their suspicions. If not Twilight, then Celestia, or Applejack. It doesn't make sense, and doesn't make for a satisfactory resolution to the external plot. That's bad, because there's so little characterization to work with that I can't accept a completely internal ending.

On the upside, the structure is technically complete-ish, and I do like the voice and the attempt at such a plot heavy story in minis. This is very close to being great, but could use either some more internal spice to the narrator, or a better external resolution. As is I'm left unsatisfied. Definitely a competent effort, but not great, probably making mid-high tier in rankings. Thanks for writing!

>>CoffeeMinion No joke, I actually had an EYE-dea for an Eyeball-based entry to this round.

But I thought it would be too much of a giveaway.

While I like the idea behind this (Pinkie's move to Ponyville when she was young and various ponies' reactions to it), this particular piece doesn't do a whole lot for me.

The lack of speech tags make it hard to figure out who is talking (One of the voices is obviously that of Pinkie's father and the last one is of Maud, but the rest of them?) and especially to whom they are talking (is it conversations between different ponies, or is everyone talking to a single individual?).

There's also the fact that it feels more like a group of related conversations rather than a cohesive narrative. There's no ramping up of tension or danger level, such as if it was the Cakes receiving increasingly vocal demands to send Pinkie home.

It's a good idea, it just needs more work. Thanks for sharing!

Well. That happened.

On the one hand, I admire the courage to put this out there. On the other hand, it's a gimmick, not a story. I'm grossed out, but I'm okay with being grossed out if there's a reason. But there isn't a reason.

Subtract the meta shock value and there's nothing going on here. No plot, no structure, no conflict. Nothing comes of Hondo's problems, so it's hard to count them as conflict. Some time passes in daily lives of ponies. That's it. If they were talking about, say, their legs, instead of their fifth legs, this would be a puff of nothing.

That makes me sad, because this could have been better while keeping the shock value. Take Hondo's issues and do something with them, make them matter, tell an actual story with the idea. I know that's hard in mini length, but it's far from impossible. The seeds of some potential plots are there, you could play on social embarrassment and being found out, or on his interactions with his wife, or maybe Filthy has the same problem and comes to him for help. Something. As is, it's just a flatly presented concept which could lead to a plot, and I don't give those much credit.

Technical execution is, uh, competent. The fluff asides are nice, and I think you hit the level of crude you were aiming for in the dialogue.

I won't be voting this very high, but it is, at least, the type of gimmick piece that I can see some redeeming value in. One of these days someone's going to write an entry that needs this level of detail about sexual or otherwise uncomfortable subjects, and uses that detail as a key point in telling a compelling story. Thanks for writing!

This is a nice, fluffy little piece between Starlight and what we wonder is Trixie. But there are a lot of problems in my mind, and hopefully I won't be too harsh in mentioning them.

The biggest one is that Starlight knows from early on that 'Trixie' is really a changeling (I think it was because Trixie forgot to refer to herself as the Great and Powerful Trixie). That renders much of the narrative a waste of time for the audience; unless Starlight is trying to trick some information out of the changeling (where the real Trixie is or what Chrysalis is up to, for example) she should just come out with the reveal and then have the rest of the story be about her handling the aftermath.

There's also the problem with the background events. This is happening as the changelings are invading Equestria and coming close to conquering it; Starlight would be seriously reckless to believe that a changeling who had just taken the place of her friend under such conditions was a 'nice' changeling.

I also have a problem seeing how it meshes with the prompt. Starlight is definitely not ignoring the problem; she is definitely confronting it. And 'Trixie' should know, considering the situation, that Starlight won't go away so there's no point in bothering to ignore Starlight.

Thank you for sharing, though, and again I hope I wasn't too brutal.

>>Ranmilia

One of these days someone's going to write an entry that needs this level of detail about sexual or otherwise uncomfortable subjects,

Unlikely since the WriteOff rounds are T-rated. I have the feeling this fic already straddled the fence, so I think anything more explicit would incur the ire of our benevolent Aussie tyrant.

It's not a bad read, and I get the meta- aspect of this piece, but...it's not doing a whole lot for me. There's nothing really wrong with it in my mind, and I don;t have a lot to say about it (sorry), it's just not really my cup of tea.

Thanks for sharing, though!

Taken as it appears, this is saccharine cute fluff, hits the requisite narrative beats and gets the job done. Nothing that wows me - I tend towards emotionally skeptical reading, with my bar for any sort of "feels" set substantially higher than most readers - but the piece is solid throughout.

Taken not quite as it appears... I wonder. A quick wiki dive didn't turn up anything on Cedric or any obviously relevant facts on Minuette (apparently her shtick is time magic.) Is Cedric supposed to really be imaginary, or is he a real tsuchinoko-type thingamabob? What is his deal? Was this all a coincidence, or is Minuette setting up young ponies for some reason? The author chose to write this piece about Minuette, instead of any other pony: why? Is it simply a whim, a use of a random background pony with a cute design, or are we meant to be reading in something about her time magic? I'm not sure on any of this, and I think that ambiguity makes me a little dissatisfied. There's just enough weird on the page to make me suspicious of more weirdness lurking; if there isn't supposed to be more, then I think this was not a great choice of ending scenes.

I do like the prose, it's simple, clean and effective. Structure is sound, there's a complete story and it fits in the mini format, well done. Overall I'd say this is an average piece on my internal scale of quality, which probably puts it in the top third or so of the voting field. Thanks for writing!

Wasn't much impressed. Celestia’s rendition is crude and lacks finesse. I don't really understand how the guard’s suggestion can lead her out of her quandary. And her behaviour the day after makes no sense. The guard is an artist? You should have made him a playwriter and called him Shake Spear.

:derpytongue2:

An enjoyable and humorous piece that definitely makes use of the prompt (though I agree that it could use less prompt-dropping). In particular, I now have in head-canon the idea that Twilight has a taste for exceedingly expensive imported oats; it sounds like the kind of harmless vice someone like Twilight would indulge in. Thank you for that. :)

I also liked the part where Twilight was trying to explain why she was ignoring the elephant; it had just the right balance between credible explanation and Twilight simply covering herself (it's perfectly understandable that she, a small pony, wouldn't want to take on a massive elephant single-hoofedly).

There are some flaws, though. For one thing there are places where the lack of dialogue tags make it confusing to figure out who is saying what; I actually had to rewind a couple of times while reading.

There's also the fact that the story does lose steam once Twilight and Spike get into the hallway and try to figure out what to do about their 'uninvited guest'. That part could probably be condensed or even eliminated altogether without hurting the story.

But overall a very entertaining piece. Thanks for sharing!

I'm gonna be really blunt here, and I do apologize to the author if that is not the intent, but this really rubs up against being a shot at criticism in general. The tone is very much "the author can do no wrong and fuck off if you think otherwise," particularly displayed by the critic being a blubbering filly Twilight Sparkle.

Unshockingly, especially in the context of being a writeoff entry which largely has the form of and practicality of a workshop, that really puts me off. Like, a lot. Yes, breaking convention is fine when there is purpose and merit to it. You gain quite nicely from breaking convention well. However, you need to actually do a good job of it. Breaking convention to break convention is often a negative thing.

Anyhow, writing quality otherwise is fine. And again, I apologize to the author if that was not the intent, but yeah, this seriously rubs me the wrong way.

>>Posh Eye'd read it.

I liked this one, overall; it's very like Pinkie and, yes, I can see her as a martial artist. And I like the 'fight scene' between her and Limestone. The epilogue is jarring, though, because of the different tone and the fact that the apparent destruction of Canterlot seems to come out of nowhere.

My suggestion would be to eliminate the epilogue piece and move the information further back into the story. Perhaps have Pinkie reflect at the start of the piece how she is doing this martial arts demonstration because they're trapped in a cave. By the end of the story, Pinkie just hopes she can distract her audience long enough for it to go away (by rescue workers finding them all...she hopes...).

For that matter, the subjects of a martial arts demonstration and disaster survival don't seem to have anything to do with each other, which may be another reason the ending of this piece is so jarring.

Anyway, thanks for sharing!

This story is about 99 words too long I think. Ending with the tooth falling on Bon Bon was superior, I think, and far punchier and to the point. Everything after it is basically a repeat of the punchline, except with way less punch. It's also more in line with the overall tone, I feel.

Bon Bon and Lyra are indeed kinda odd choices for this and I agree with Fenton's overall observation re: Bugbear.

Beyond that... I dunno, the context here is a little too crackfic/lolrandom for me personally? It is decently written, but I have a bit of trouble getting into it.

I think I said on another story that for every new attempt at covering old ground, there will be readers who haven't even set foot on said ground. It's true for me here, too. I haven't read, nor heard of, this Petriculture, and so I had no existing material with which to temper my opinion of this story. And I really enjoyed it. Characterisation was great, and I thought the concept was interesting and executed with care. There's no getting around the fact that this is struggling to breathe as a minific though, and the rapid pace and scene hopping feels alien to a story of this nature. I liked the interpretation of the prompt here, too. A little obvious, and yet quite unexpected, which is a good balancing act as far as I'm concerned.

So, it suffers from the restrictions of the round, but I still enjoyed it for what it was. And I hope you consider expanding it in due course.

Thanks for sharing your work.

Absolutely fantastic from beginning to end and I loved every single sentence. I agree that the theme seems a little shoehorned in (pantshorned in??) but it didn't detract a bit from my enjoyment.

Seriously, when you do lack of dialogue tags, having similarly voiced characters in the same scene kinda makes it all bleed together since you don't really have breaks between the dialogue proper. Line breaks only get you so far, since you don't build any kind of barrier between one block of dialogue and another.

Once again, I'm not really sure I like the Maud voice here? It just doesn't sound quite right.

Otherwise cute idea and decently executed. I just think all dialogue isn't adding here.

To be frank, I can't enjoy this at all. Nearly the entire story is the narrator telling us exactly what Rarity's feeling at the moment, which gets very dull very fast. It should've been broken up a little--flashbacks, snippets of dialogue, verbatim quotes of Rarity's thoughts... anything but the mammoth block of Tell.

I liked the intriguing promise of the dystopian setting, but that ending left me feeling cold. It was such a sudden, jarring shift that it ended up undermining quite a strong premise for a punchline that didn't quite work out (for me, at least). But what came before was decent, and I think reworking the conclusion so that it follows that theme, rather than railing against it, would deliver a more satisfying whole. Well, either that or filter some of the elements of that conclusion in at earlier parts of the story.

As it is, a bit of a misfire for me. But there's certainly promise in that premise.

Thanks for sharing your work.

While this story doesn't quite have outstanding writing, and ultimately not much really happens beyond what we already from the show, I think it really succeeds at making the reader empathize with Fluttershy. (I think it'll be easier for anyone who had to endure bullies at school and well-meant clueless advice at home. No Mom it doesn't work when I ignore them, because they aren't trying to get a rise out of me, they're just picking on the nerd in order to fit in with the gang--OK sorry I digress.) The bits where Fluttershy's suffering is described are the best.

The crocodile was progressing through Cloudsdale.

GUMMY YOU WILL RETURN TANK'S HELICOPTER THIS INSTANT
Haha, but yeah, this confused me for a moment there too. A glance into the dictionary suggests that it's a Britishism.

So... are the bugs really demon lords or not? How exactly have they 'attacked' Twilight? (Must've been something serious, because I really don't think Twilight is the kind of a character who would slip into paranoia because a bug flew at her.) This story just kind of flops about in circles without ever actually doing anything with the premise.

In fact, while it's probably meant to be a comedy, it doesn't even try to be humorous; there are maybe two, three lines tops which contain (very mild) attempts at jokes, and the rest is just Twilight matter-of-factly describing demon banishing techniques.

I'll keep mine short, as it's mostly been said before. Key things that stood out where quite a few missing words and typos, always jarring. The second is this guy is just way too calm about this. He just "makes friends" and helps out around town, all in the first few days of showing up on a completely alien planet.

Lastly, there's no payoff. We see something suspicious with the fingernails, but instead of revealing more, the narrator just points out the conclusion (he's not the first) that we already reached. That's wasting words AND avoiding a satisfying reveal of some kind.

Overall, I feel there's an idea here that could be great, but it really doesn't work as written.

The story doesn't follow from the premise. Lyra is curious about strange creatures, but suddenly isn't interested, and then annoyed at the human's own curiosity. That doesn't make sense. The meta nature should be funny, but Lyra reacts logically, killing any comedy potential. It just doesn't work for me, and feels like the author had a scenario in mind, but couldn't really get a true story out of it.

Congratulations on a genuinely creepy story; makes you wonder just how long will it take before he snaps and everything goes to hell in a handbasket. Also makes you wonder - is he "shoving this down" because he doesn't want to give away the game too early, or because maybe, just maybe, he's genuinely trying to change?

One issue is that it takes a tad too long to establish that this is about Discord and Fluttershy; for some time I thought it was Celestia and by the time I realized who that was, I found myself having to reorganize my entire mental image of the situation.

Last review. Phew.

You've already had some pretty extensive feedback here, and so there's not much more I think I can add. I didn't notice it during the first read through, but now that it has been pointed out I would have to agree that the backstory could have done with a touch lighter hand. Part of me also wonders whether you've crammed just a tad too many layers of emotional conflict for a piece of this length, and that might have allowed for the backstory to have been developed in a lighter manner. But the framing and the imagery and the characterisation are all on point and there's a lot of potential to expand on this even further. Nice drama, thanks for sharing your work.

This is a really cute scene, and—minus a few typos—well written. But a scene isn't the same as a story, and this lacks any sort of progress or development to qualify as the latter. Dropping the prompt verbatim right at the end really bugged me too. Feels like this wasn't written at all for the contest, and was merely shoehorned in at the last second with those lines.

Some repeated technical problems are a bit distracting, but overall this is a decent treatise on ignoring hard decisions. It works in that sense, but as a story it leaves me mostly unengaged and uninterested. Rarity is well written and in-character, but it doesn't bring me in to really feel for her like it needs to. As others pointed out, this is probably a case of telling instead of showing.

This starts off with a pretty strong hook, and I had high hopes by the middle that this would be some great comedy. But then it seems to lose its way and meander through to a rather banal ending. The extra explanations about what to do and what would or would not work don't really add to the story, and come across as a discussion that's not very realistic (no one talks that way.)

Lastly, the end is literally a repeat of the beginning. Twilight says to ignore it, spike questions what to do about it and says "why don't we ignore it" and Twilight says okay. But she'd already told him to do that in the first place.

The premise is good here, but the scenes feel a little too disjointed from one another. There's probably some smoother way to do the montage of rejection here. The prompt-drop at the end feels a bit forced too. Silver probably needs to reach "ignore them" on her own, and not be just told it directly.

You use "only barely" twice in this fic. It's kind of an eh phrase to begin with, so seeing it twice really makes it jump out.

Otherwise it is cute and satisfactory, but there really isn't much for me to latch onto here. It's fine! It's warm! It's fuzzy! But I'm basically gonna forget it immediately after reading it.

Some funny lines, but this is not a story, just a joke. Moreover, it has nothing to do with the prompt. So good idea, but wrong place for it.