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Ditch Witch
It’s been a month. I’ve been here a month, and I don’t know if I want to.
The first day was the hardest. I was out working in the field, trenching some line for a customer. I was out by the fenceline in one of the pastures when I felt something behind me, like how the ground shakes when a train runs past you. I’d barely started turning ‘round when something solid hit me in the back and bowled me over.
When I came to, there a purple pony standing over me. My face was scraped to shit too. Lot of explanations that day. Lot of apologies too. More than a few promises.
She’d a real roundabout way of explaining it, used a lot of terms that I wasn’t too familiar with. The gist of what I got was that, she, a Miss Princess Twilight Sparkle had performing an experiment of some sort. Small scale had proved promising, so she’d been pushing the envelope. Running low on material, she’d been forced to make some substitutions, the only problem being that I was produced instead of a large ‘harmonically coupled gem’.
She did emphasize that something like this had never happened before, that she was very sorry for what she’d done, and that she’d be working to make things right. Gave me a very nice room her castle, . I told her no hard feelings, these things happen.
Her assistant, a dragon who goes by Spike, helped me get situated. Only things were the clothes on my back, and the wallet in my pocket. He walked me around town, showed me the stores, told me who sold what. He helped me get a dopp kit together, most of the essentials packed into a nice bag, which I greatly appreciated. Even in just a day you get a little rough around the edges.
For about a week I saw her around, working on something, but she didn’t tell me what it was and I didn’t want to ask. I’d see her most days during breakfast, and she’d tell me that she was making progress, but always a little light on the specifics.
I’ve been taking this as bit of a vacation. I’ll head out in the morning, spend the day in town keeping busy. I’ve made a couple of friends, some nice local ponies. I help ‘em out, and they’re happy to have me as a friend. I will admit that I have pulled more than a few bushels of carrots for Miss Golden Harvest. Things to keep busy with.
As nice as things’ve been, I don’t know if everything here is on the up and up. Yesterday morning, I’d picked up the bath math to go clean it, and I found some flat looking nail clippings under it. I don’t clip my nails, I’ve been chewing them down to the quick for most my life. So they weren’t mine. They weren’t the dragon’s, cause his are pretty pokey. And I know from all the mares that I talk to that ponies get theirs filed.
This morning I’d asked Miss Twilight if there’d been anything on getting me home, and that I know she’d been busy what with all her royal duties ‘n such. She agreed that she’d been pretty busy, but said she was still working on getting me home. Didn’t say anything too specific ‘bout it, just that she was working on it. I didn’t ask her anything on it further, and told her that I’d been made some good friends in town that I was gonna head out and see, and she was pretty happy to hear about that.
The day had been pretty easy. Dinky had gotten her head caught in a fence. Got it out. Walked around town a bit till the sun was coming down.
I came in my room, ‘n sat down on my bed and got to thinking. I’m not exactly the master of my own fate here. I’ve got some suspicions that I’m not the first human who’s been living here. I’ve got half a mind to confront her ‘bout it, but what’s keeping my hand is that she said I was the first. And I’m pretty certain I know I’m not.
If I don’t say anything, she won’t know. It might be better for me if I keep this under my hat. J’ess ignore it, maybe I go home. Maybe I don't.
The first day was the hardest. I was out working in the field, trenching some line for a customer. I was out by the fenceline in one of the pastures when I felt something behind me, like how the ground shakes when a train runs past you. I’d barely started turning ‘round when something solid hit me in the back and bowled me over.
When I came to, there a purple pony standing over me. My face was scraped to shit too. Lot of explanations that day. Lot of apologies too. More than a few promises.
She’d a real roundabout way of explaining it, used a lot of terms that I wasn’t too familiar with. The gist of what I got was that, she, a Miss Princess Twilight Sparkle had performing an experiment of some sort. Small scale had proved promising, so she’d been pushing the envelope. Running low on material, she’d been forced to make some substitutions, the only problem being that I was produced instead of a large ‘harmonically coupled gem’.
She did emphasize that something like this had never happened before, that she was very sorry for what she’d done, and that she’d be working to make things right. Gave me a very nice room her castle, . I told her no hard feelings, these things happen.
Her assistant, a dragon who goes by Spike, helped me get situated. Only things were the clothes on my back, and the wallet in my pocket. He walked me around town, showed me the stores, told me who sold what. He helped me get a dopp kit together, most of the essentials packed into a nice bag, which I greatly appreciated. Even in just a day you get a little rough around the edges.
For about a week I saw her around, working on something, but she didn’t tell me what it was and I didn’t want to ask. I’d see her most days during breakfast, and she’d tell me that she was making progress, but always a little light on the specifics.
I’ve been taking this as bit of a vacation. I’ll head out in the morning, spend the day in town keeping busy. I’ve made a couple of friends, some nice local ponies. I help ‘em out, and they’re happy to have me as a friend. I will admit that I have pulled more than a few bushels of carrots for Miss Golden Harvest. Things to keep busy with.
As nice as things’ve been, I don’t know if everything here is on the up and up. Yesterday morning, I’d picked up the bath math to go clean it, and I found some flat looking nail clippings under it. I don’t clip my nails, I’ve been chewing them down to the quick for most my life. So they weren’t mine. They weren’t the dragon’s, cause his are pretty pokey. And I know from all the mares that I talk to that ponies get theirs filed.
This morning I’d asked Miss Twilight if there’d been anything on getting me home, and that I know she’d been busy what with all her royal duties ‘n such. She agreed that she’d been pretty busy, but said she was still working on getting me home. Didn’t say anything too specific ‘bout it, just that she was working on it. I didn’t ask her anything on it further, and told her that I’d been made some good friends in town that I was gonna head out and see, and she was pretty happy to hear about that.
The day had been pretty easy. Dinky had gotten her head caught in a fence. Got it out. Walked around town a bit till the sun was coming down.
I came in my room, ‘n sat down on my bed and got to thinking. I’m not exactly the master of my own fate here. I’ve got some suspicions that I’m not the first human who’s been living here. I’ve got half a mind to confront her ‘bout it, but what’s keeping my hand is that she said I was the first. And I’m pretty certain I know I’m not.
If I don’t say anything, she won’t know. It might be better for me if I keep this under my hat. J’ess ignore it, maybe I go home. Maybe I don't.
This is one of those stories where I found myself going back and re-reading parts of it, because I was convinced that there was something subtle within it that was going right over the top of my head. I'm still not sure, so I guess I just need to take it at face value and use the defence of lack of clarity (or lack of caffeine on my part) should it be the case.
The casual, everyday tone of the narrative does feel quite effectively offset by the final third, which brings with it more ominous overtures, and the suggestion that all is not well in this particular stretch of Arcadia worked well for me. The premise itself didn't keep me overly engaged though; the need to ground the world in the first two-thirds meant that the narrative was forced down a more passive, telly road by the limitations of the round, and by the time the conflict/drama (and the prompt) came into play, its effectiveness was blunted. One bonus of that approach, though, is that it keeps the characters at arms length, thinly defined. That certainly adds to the more ominous atmosphere that begins to build later.
I think there is a more compelling story to be found in here, once you've been given the space to unpack it and allow it to properly breathe. Thanks for sharing your work.
The casual, everyday tone of the narrative does feel quite effectively offset by the final third, which brings with it more ominous overtures, and the suggestion that all is not well in this particular stretch of Arcadia worked well for me. The premise itself didn't keep me overly engaged though; the need to ground the world in the first two-thirds meant that the narrative was forced down a more passive, telly road by the limitations of the round, and by the time the conflict/drama (and the prompt) came into play, its effectiveness was blunted. One bonus of that approach, though, is that it keeps the characters at arms length, thinly defined. That certainly adds to the more ominous atmosphere that begins to build later.
I think there is a more compelling story to be found in here, once you've been given the space to unpack it and allow it to properly breathe. Thanks for sharing your work.
Human in Equestria. That's not something I really like, even if I've read some great ones here and there. But they had something you couldn't afford, space to develop and detail many things.
Here the narrator is a blank slate that I almost fear to read Anon at some point. Moreover, the conflict is established too late in the story to be really relevant and we leave the story with a feeling of incompletion.
Sorry if I sounded harsh, HiE aren't really my cup of tea like I said, so I'm biaised. But I still want to offer some encouragements to rework it.
Here the narrator is a blank slate that I almost fear to read Anon at some point. Moreover, the conflict is established too late in the story to be really relevant and we leave the story with a feeling of incompletion.
Sorry if I sounded harsh, HiE aren't really my cup of tea like I said, so I'm biaised. But I still want to offer some encouragements to rework it.
I’ve been here a month, and I don’t know if I want to.
Don't know if you want to what?
The narrator voice feels like it fluctuates a lot, and the ending isn't very satisfying. The scenes feel too disconnected for it to be a slice of life, and in particular the ominous part doesn't feel connected to anything or foreshadowed by anything. Eh.
I'm okay with Human in Equestria type stories. However, I still get bored when I don't know anything about the human subject. We are given a few hints about this person's job, upbringing, and accent, but that's not what satisfies me. Neither do I think the nameless blank-slate trope is wrong, because sometimes that can work well. What makes me indifferent to the fate of this narrator is that he/she doesn't seem to have any opinion on being warped to Equestria. Sometimes the Human is overjoyed or pissed off, but this one doesn't care. It's the common trope of Anon only hanging around, doing physical chores for the neighbors to be helpful, la la la. Just a forgettable nice guy. or girl.
And maybe because of that, the twist in the story isn't attached to anything to be twisted. Human has no opinion or reaction, except to ignore this. No turning point, no change. The twist needs to connect to a new idea, not keep the status quo. Are the ponies going to cook and devour the Human next week, or what?
I did like the beginning, describing how the narrator got warped to Equestria. It was told in an interesting enough style. and the twist itself was a nice little detail, finding the clippings; I felt some tension even despite the narrator being so indifferent about it. This has some of the more-difficult pieces of a story structure already in place, but the structure is bare and hollow because the Human has no personality and never reacts to anything.
And maybe because of that, the twist in the story isn't attached to anything to be twisted. Human has no opinion or reaction, except to ignore this. No turning point, no change. The twist needs to connect to a new idea, not keep the status quo. Are the ponies going to cook and devour the Human next week, or what?
I did like the beginning, describing how the narrator got warped to Equestria. It was told in an interesting enough style. and the twist itself was a nice little detail, finding the clippings; I felt some tension even despite the narrator being so indifferent about it. This has some of the more-difficult pieces of a story structure already in place, but the structure is bare and hollow because the Human has no personality and never reacts to anything.
Pretty much concur with everyone else here. Story is bit bland, and, most of all, the guy (I suppose) is way too unconcerned and ready to accept the situation while he should freak out. Sapient ponies, marooned, etc.
I don't get what the end's supposed to mean? Is Twilight a human flesh eater? Does the other guy have been sacrificed in a hokuspokus voodoo ceremony by a shamanic Twilight? Did he/she turned home? Become Luna’s puppet? I wish I'd know, because otherwise that fells a bit flat.
So yeah. Not a bad story, but too drab to really capture my attention.
I don't get what the end's supposed to mean? Is Twilight a human flesh eater? Does the other guy have been sacrificed in a hokuspokus voodoo ceremony by a shamanic Twilight? Did he/she turned home? Become Luna’s puppet? I wish I'd know, because otherwise that fells a bit flat.
So yeah. Not a bad story, but too drab to really capture my attention.
I take it that the narrator's a down-to-earth farmer of some sort, and portrayed sympathetically rather than as a dumb bumpkin. Now that looked promising; I don't think we get enough of these types of protagonists in the HiE genre (all those flat, bland, nice nerds, bronies and "Anons" who get along so easily with all the ponies grumble grumble.)
Unfortunately, I don't think the protagonist in this story really feels any different from the scores of others. At no point did I get the feeling that he was, or ever had been, alarmed or confused with his predicament. Sentences like "I’ve been taking this as bit of a vacation" make you wonder... what would it get to move this guy, if getting whisked to magic ponyland bothers him about as much as a tractor breakdown or a spell of flu. And even once he stumbles upon the track of something potentially ominous, he basically shrugs his shoulders and says "Eugh, no, that sounds like effort."
Unfortunately, I don't think the protagonist in this story really feels any different from the scores of others. At no point did I get the feeling that he was, or ever had been, alarmed or confused with his predicament. Sentences like "I’ve been taking this as bit of a vacation" make you wonder... what would it get to move this guy, if getting whisked to magic ponyland bothers him about as much as a tractor breakdown or a spell of flu. And even once he stumbles upon the track of something potentially ominous, he basically shrugs his shoulders and says "Eugh, no, that sounds like effort."
First sentence. "I don't know if I want to." To... what? Continue being here? Leave? I felt like there was something you were going to tell me but it never materialized. The problem is the tensing: "I've been here a month" makes the 'to' seem to imply (to me), "I don't want to have been here for a month." It doesn't fit for me. If we're in the human's headspace, we should at least know how he feels, and he's strangely nonplussed about everything. I can't get a grasp on his feelings so I have no idea what he means there.
The 'wallet' helped me realize this was HiE, but it's strange that Twilight wouldn't have had more questions for this bizarre creature. It's more strange that he describes Spike as a dragon, but says nothing about Twilight Sparkle, the magical talking alicorn. It's even more strange that the human would simply say, "these things happen", when presumably they've never seen magic in their life and are in a foreign land with talking ponies all of a sudden. I mean, they don't know if "these things happen", and they certainly don't happen among humans. They don't know if they'll ever get back home. This should be freaking anypony out. It doesn't make any sense unless Twilight cast a spell to calm them.
At the end of the story I'm left wondering why Twilight would lie, especially after an accident of this nature, and why the narrator knows this. Do they assume it because nopony seems to be bothered by their appearance? Or is it the clippings? And where did the clippings come from, anyway? If there's another human in the castle, why hasn't somepony in town said anything to them about the other human? How can one walk around town all day without bumping into the other one? I'm left with many unanswered questions, and most of these are questions that the protagonist should have the answer to, but aren't shared with the readers.
(You learn something new everyday. Today, I learned it's spelled "dopp kit", not "daub kit". Had no idea. What's a dopp, anyway?)
EDIT: Also, what the hey was Twilight trying to do? I cannot imagine her making 'substitutions' with a magic formula. No way, no how. There's enough of a description of the crystal that I feel like as the reader, I should be able to figure out what she's doing from the show, but I can't.
MORE DIFFERENT EDIT: Is this supposed to be Applejack? Why don't they visit Sweet Apple Acres if they're a farmer? If this is rainbow-person AJ, why doesn't she know where she is?
The 'wallet' helped me realize this was HiE, but it's strange that Twilight wouldn't have had more questions for this bizarre creature. It's more strange that he describes Spike as a dragon, but says nothing about Twilight Sparkle, the magical talking alicorn. It's even more strange that the human would simply say, "these things happen", when presumably they've never seen magic in their life and are in a foreign land with talking ponies all of a sudden. I mean, they don't know if "these things happen", and they certainly don't happen among humans. They don't know if they'll ever get back home. This should be freaking anypony out. It doesn't make any sense unless Twilight cast a spell to calm them.
At the end of the story I'm left wondering why Twilight would lie, especially after an accident of this nature, and why the narrator knows this. Do they assume it because nopony seems to be bothered by their appearance? Or is it the clippings? And where did the clippings come from, anyway? If there's another human in the castle, why hasn't somepony in town said anything to them about the other human? How can one walk around town all day without bumping into the other one? I'm left with many unanswered questions, and most of these are questions that the protagonist should have the answer to, but aren't shared with the readers.
(You learn something new everyday. Today, I learned it's spelled "dopp kit", not "daub kit". Had no idea. What's a dopp, anyway?)
EDIT: Also, what the hey was Twilight trying to do? I cannot imagine her making 'substitutions' with a magic formula. No way, no how. There's enough of a description of the crystal that I feel like as the reader, I should be able to figure out what she's doing from the show, but I can't.
MORE DIFFERENT EDIT: Is this supposed to be Applejack? Why don't they visit Sweet Apple Acres if they're a farmer? If this is rainbow-person AJ, why doesn't she know where she is?
>>Haze
Seconding all of this.
This story feels incomplete. It's close, but doesn't quite get there, because other than slavish adherence to the prompt I can't find a reason for the narrator not to talk to SOMEONE about their suspicions. If not Twilight, then Celestia, or Applejack. It doesn't make sense, and doesn't make for a satisfactory resolution to the external plot. That's bad, because there's so little characterization to work with that I can't accept a completely internal ending.
On the upside, the structure is technically complete-ish, and I do like the voice and the attempt at such a plot heavy story in minis. This is very close to being great, but could use either some more internal spice to the narrator, or a better external resolution. As is I'm left unsatisfied. Definitely a competent effort, but not great, probably making mid-high tier in rankings. Thanks for writing!
Seconding all of this.
This story feels incomplete. It's close, but doesn't quite get there, because other than slavish adherence to the prompt I can't find a reason for the narrator not to talk to SOMEONE about their suspicions. If not Twilight, then Celestia, or Applejack. It doesn't make sense, and doesn't make for a satisfactory resolution to the external plot. That's bad, because there's so little characterization to work with that I can't accept a completely internal ending.
On the upside, the structure is technically complete-ish, and I do like the voice and the attempt at such a plot heavy story in minis. This is very close to being great, but could use either some more internal spice to the narrator, or a better external resolution. As is I'm left unsatisfied. Definitely a competent effort, but not great, probably making mid-high tier in rankings. Thanks for writing!
I'll keep mine short, as it's mostly been said before. Key things that stood out where quite a few missing words and typos, always jarring. The second is this guy is just way too calm about this. He just "makes friends" and helps out around town, all in the first few days of showing up on a completely alien planet.
Lastly, there's no payoff. We see something suspicious with the fingernails, but instead of revealing more, the narrator just points out the conclusion (he's not the first) that we already reached. That's wasting words AND avoiding a satisfying reveal of some kind.
Overall, I feel there's an idea here that could be great, but it really doesn't work as written.
Lastly, there's no payoff. We see something suspicious with the fingernails, but instead of revealing more, the narrator just points out the conclusion (he's not the first) that we already reached. That's wasting words AND avoiding a satisfying reveal of some kind.
Overall, I feel there's an idea here that could be great, but it really doesn't work as written.
Retrospective: Ditch Witch
It should've been a finger.
Well, this fic didn't perform too well, but after a night's rest, I didn't expect it to perform too well either. I'm on a boat, so power and internet are a bit sparse, but hopefully I can get some things addressed.
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
I definitely agree with this. I wish that I had more time to write, and more to write with (length wise). Originally, I wanted to have this be the good 'ole HiE formula (Discord farted, Twilight mis-cast a spell, and the house blew up, etc). The note that I left myself at 4:00 AM the night before the prompt went live was "I found a pair of fingernail clippers in the bathroom I never told her that I clip my nails", followed 30 minutes later by "changeling taxes" (Which involved Mayor Mare torturing Scootaloo not for being a changeling, but for not filing taxes). I was hoping to have also done something with Rarity giving 'free' clothes, maybe along the lines of "Twilight gives the humus a gift of jeans, because Rarity had noticed that his duds were wearing out". It would've been a pair of 'hoofmade' jeans, except there would've been dots of thread where the tag had been cut off, and the rivets were machine-pressed.
Maybe things to do further if I have the time.
>>Fenton
I was actually hoping to touch something like Anon, with possibly a scene where he's drinking and he meets an unfamiliar pony who calls him 'Alex' (But his name's Jonathan and he goes by John). Sort of the whole 'I'm not the first one here, but I'm told I am' etc.
>>Light_Striker
'Eh' is kinda right. I need to develop more PUNCH! Maybe Twilight's forays through the mirror means that her desires for hotdogs have turned into a desire for human flesh? :P
>>Haze
Yep, I wanted to hit that with him not really having anything 'official' to do (as in not having a job and seeking to do things to fill his time). But on the other hand, I used a couple of sentences that didn't really go anywhere. I could've optimized my story by cutting some and filling out other parts, but ran out of time.
>>Monokeras
I really regret not expanding on something like this, but it was all too easy to save the words (and effort) by dropping in a 'These things happen.' and focusing on other areas of the story.
>>JudgeDeadd
Yeah, he's meant to be country. I agree that there's no kick to make this spicy. Nothing much happens, which is something that needs to be fixed.
>>Trick_Question
Of your many points (all valid which reveal the quite large problems with the story), I'll focus on one:
Dopp is the brand name for a hygiene tote. My dad calls his a 'doc' kit for some reason.
>>Ranmilia
I wouldn't agree that he should talk to Twilight, because reasons, but it's definitely a flaw in the story (and one I might address) that he doesn't have anyone to talk this over with.
Also, spice is good. This story definitely needs some.
>>Xepher
This story definitely needs a but more, and it is lacking a LOT in most parts. Something to fix in the future.
That concludes my personal boat-Writeoff. Sorry that I couldn't make the time to comment and review on the other fics, maybe next time. Thanks to everyone who commented. Maybe this will end up on the 'ole FimFic.
It should've been a finger.
Well, this fic didn't perform too well, but after a night's rest, I didn't expect it to perform too well either. I'm on a boat, so power and internet are a bit sparse, but hopefully I can get some things addressed.
the need to ground the world in the first two-thirds meant that the narrative was forced down a more passive, telly road by the limitations of the round
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
I definitely agree with this. I wish that I had more time to write, and more to write with (length wise). Originally, I wanted to have this be the good 'ole HiE formula (Discord farted, Twilight mis-cast a spell, and the house blew up, etc). The note that I left myself at 4:00 AM the night before the prompt went live was "I found a pair of fingernail clippers in the bathroom I never told her that I clip my nails", followed 30 minutes later by "changeling taxes" (Which involved Mayor Mare torturing Scootaloo not for being a changeling, but for not filing taxes). I was hoping to have also done something with Rarity giving 'free' clothes, maybe along the lines of "Twilight gives the humus a gift of jeans, because Rarity had noticed that his duds were wearing out". It would've been a pair of 'hoofmade' jeans, except there would've been dots of thread where the tag had been cut off, and the rivets were machine-pressed.
Maybe things to do further if I have the time.
>>Fenton
Here the narrator is a blank slate that I almost fear to read Anon at some point. Moreover, the conflict is established too late in the story to be really relevant and we leave the story with a feeling of incompletion.
I was actually hoping to touch something like Anon, with possibly a scene where he's drinking and he meets an unfamiliar pony who calls him 'Alex' (But his name's Jonathan and he goes by John). Sort of the whole 'I'm not the first one here, but I'm told I am' etc.
>>Light_Striker
foreshadowed by anything
'Eh' is kinda right. I need to develop more PUNCH! Maybe Twilight's forays through the mirror means that her desires for hotdogs have turned into a desire for human flesh? :P
>>Haze
. Sometimes the Human is overjoyed or pissed off, but this one doesn't care. It's the common trope of Anon only hanging around, doing physical chores for the neighbors to be helpful, la la la. Just a forgettable nice guy. or girl.
Yep, I wanted to hit that with him not really having anything 'official' to do (as in not having a job and seeking to do things to fill his time). But on the other hand, I used a couple of sentences that didn't really go anywhere. I could've optimized my story by cutting some and filling out other parts, but ran out of time.
>>Monokeras
the guy (I suppose) is way too unconcerned and ready to accept the situation while he should freak out. Sapient ponies, marooned, etc.
I really regret not expanding on something like this, but it was all too easy to save the words (and effort) by dropping in a 'These things happen.' and focusing on other areas of the story.
>>JudgeDeadd
Yeah, he's meant to be country. I agree that there's no kick to make this spicy. Nothing much happens, which is something that needs to be fixed.
>>Trick_Question
Of your many points (all valid which reveal the quite large problems with the story), I'll focus on one:
(You learn something new everyday. Today, I learned it's spelled "dopp kit", not "daub kit". Had no idea. What's a dopp, anyway?)
Dopp is the brand name for a hygiene tote. My dad calls his a 'doc' kit for some reason.
>>Ranmilia
I can't find a reason for the narrator not to talk to SOMEONE about their suspicions. If not Twilight, then Celestia, or Applejack.
I wouldn't agree that he should talk to Twilight, because reasons, but it's definitely a flaw in the story (and one I might address) that he doesn't have anyone to talk this over with.
Also, spice is good. This story definitely needs some.
>>Xepher
He just "makes friends" and helps out around town, all in the first few days of showing up on a completely alien planet.
This story definitely needs a but more, and it is lacking a LOT in most parts. Something to fix in the future.
That concludes my personal boat-Writeoff. Sorry that I couldn't make the time to comment and review on the other fics, maybe next time. Thanks to everyone who commented. Maybe this will end up on the 'ole FimFic.