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The Headache
Was it a migraine? No, it couldn’t be a migraine. Those types of headaches occurred for no adequately explained reason. This cause was directly across from her and its name was John Beasley.
Lyra had always been fascinated by parapsychology and cryptozoology. It was the reason why she’d badgered her roommate Bon-Bon about her time at S.M.I.L.E and what types of creatures they’d come across in their field operations. After a while though stories weren’t enough, she wanted to actually see some of the fantastic creatures that she’d dealt with during those years. Finally, after months of poking and prodding Bon-Bon relented and introduced her to one that she deemed safe enough.
The evening started off questionably enough when Bon-Bon shoved her roommate through the front door of the spaghetti place after pointing the odd creature out. It was what she referred to as a human. It was rotund, sweaty, was cursed with failing eyesight and some sort of gum disease or at least its breath smelled like it. It lacked most of its body hair save for the mass of brown on top of its head along with a few loose strands that dotted its face.
From the moment she took her seat the creature had pummeled her with questions and theories about ponies. It was a nonstop assault on her ears that only ceased when it asked a question that required her response. It had been ten minutes since it’d stopped talking long enough for her to respond to anything. So, she tuned it out.
“Earth to Lyra,” said John.
“What,” asked Lyra as she rubbed her right temple after finally hearing her name.
“I was asking you if you had ever considered the act of interspecies…”
Lyra zoned out again. Was this thing, this human using its psionic abilities on her? Was her head going to explode like a pumpkin stuffed with lit fireworks? It felt like it. The sound of its nasally voice clawed at the back of her eyes as she looked behind him toward the window and into the night sky. She hoped for a miracle.
Suddenly a shooting star rocketed across it. Lyra gasped and quickly made a wish that her head would explode in five seconds. It would be worth it. She would finally be away from this John Beasley. Mentally she counted backwards: Five, Four, Three, Two, One, Zero. Damn!
“… lesbian?”
Lyra’s eyes ticked over to her dinner companion. “What was that?”
“I asked if you were a lesbian. I mean it was pretty clear in Rainbow Rocks when you were playing the piano with Bon-Bon…”
“What is Rainbow Rocks? For that matter what’s a lesbian?”
John scoffed at her, “Oh you know what that is.”
“No,” replied Lyra sharply, “I was born in Ponyville. I’ve never even heard of a country called Lesbia or Lesbos for me to even be a Lesbian. I’m an Equestrian through and through!”
“No. I mean are you attracted to mares. Because you didn’t say anything in regard to the sexiness of yours truly,” it said smiling.
Lyra’s eye twitched, “I… have a boyfriend that works in the shipping department at….”
“Yo Ho,” shouted John as it began to laugh, “I bet he does!”
“The postal service you round….” Lyra took a deep breath and mentally counted to ten.
“But if that’s true… then why were you and Bon-Bon so close during that part where you two were playing the piano in Rainbow…”
“Okay just stop right there,” said Lyra as she raised a hoof, “I don’t play piano. She doesn’t play piano as far as I know. You’re talking about things that somehow you’ve made up or seen that don’t exist. If I have to listen to one more…”
“Hello you two,” said a familiar voice from behind Lyra, “So, how are things going tonight?”
“Bon-Bon,” shouted Lyra who quickly jumped out of her chair and embraced her roommate.
“Ha! Hashtag confirmed!”
“How do I make it stop? It’s boring holes into my brain!”
Bon-Bon chuckled, “Are you done pestering me about S.M.I.L.E?”
“I just want to go home, eat aspirin and take a bath!”
Bon-Bon raised an eye brow at Lyra who promptly nodded confirming that she was done. “Okay then just follow me out of the restaurant and ignore him and his jabbering. Eventually he’ll wander into the Everfree forest. They always do.”
With that the two mares walked out of the restaurant and never spoke of that night’s events again.
Lyra had always been fascinated by parapsychology and cryptozoology. It was the reason why she’d badgered her roommate Bon-Bon about her time at S.M.I.L.E and what types of creatures they’d come across in their field operations. After a while though stories weren’t enough, she wanted to actually see some of the fantastic creatures that she’d dealt with during those years. Finally, after months of poking and prodding Bon-Bon relented and introduced her to one that she deemed safe enough.
The evening started off questionably enough when Bon-Bon shoved her roommate through the front door of the spaghetti place after pointing the odd creature out. It was what she referred to as a human. It was rotund, sweaty, was cursed with failing eyesight and some sort of gum disease or at least its breath smelled like it. It lacked most of its body hair save for the mass of brown on top of its head along with a few loose strands that dotted its face.
From the moment she took her seat the creature had pummeled her with questions and theories about ponies. It was a nonstop assault on her ears that only ceased when it asked a question that required her response. It had been ten minutes since it’d stopped talking long enough for her to respond to anything. So, she tuned it out.
“Earth to Lyra,” said John.
“What,” asked Lyra as she rubbed her right temple after finally hearing her name.
“I was asking you if you had ever considered the act of interspecies…”
Lyra zoned out again. Was this thing, this human using its psionic abilities on her? Was her head going to explode like a pumpkin stuffed with lit fireworks? It felt like it. The sound of its nasally voice clawed at the back of her eyes as she looked behind him toward the window and into the night sky. She hoped for a miracle.
Suddenly a shooting star rocketed across it. Lyra gasped and quickly made a wish that her head would explode in five seconds. It would be worth it. She would finally be away from this John Beasley. Mentally she counted backwards: Five, Four, Three, Two, One, Zero. Damn!
“… lesbian?”
Lyra’s eyes ticked over to her dinner companion. “What was that?”
“I asked if you were a lesbian. I mean it was pretty clear in Rainbow Rocks when you were playing the piano with Bon-Bon…”
“What is Rainbow Rocks? For that matter what’s a lesbian?”
John scoffed at her, “Oh you know what that is.”
“No,” replied Lyra sharply, “I was born in Ponyville. I’ve never even heard of a country called Lesbia or Lesbos for me to even be a Lesbian. I’m an Equestrian through and through!”
“No. I mean are you attracted to mares. Because you didn’t say anything in regard to the sexiness of yours truly,” it said smiling.
Lyra’s eye twitched, “I… have a boyfriend that works in the shipping department at….”
“Yo Ho,” shouted John as it began to laugh, “I bet he does!”
“The postal service you round….” Lyra took a deep breath and mentally counted to ten.
“But if that’s true… then why were you and Bon-Bon so close during that part where you two were playing the piano in Rainbow…”
“Okay just stop right there,” said Lyra as she raised a hoof, “I don’t play piano. She doesn’t play piano as far as I know. You’re talking about things that somehow you’ve made up or seen that don’t exist. If I have to listen to one more…”
“Hello you two,” said a familiar voice from behind Lyra, “So, how are things going tonight?”
“Bon-Bon,” shouted Lyra who quickly jumped out of her chair and embraced her roommate.
“Ha! Hashtag confirmed!”
“How do I make it stop? It’s boring holes into my brain!”
Bon-Bon chuckled, “Are you done pestering me about S.M.I.L.E?”
“I just want to go home, eat aspirin and take a bath!”
Bon-Bon raised an eye brow at Lyra who promptly nodded confirming that she was done. “Okay then just follow me out of the restaurant and ignore him and his jabbering. Eventually he’ll wander into the Everfree forest. They always do.”
With that the two mares walked out of the restaurant and never spoke of that night’s events again.
This one had its moments, but overall I'm not that big a fan of the metafiction thing or of cringe humor, so this kinda hit two different 'meh' spots for me at once.
On the plus side, I have to give credit for being well written and having a central idea that doesn't take itself (or the fandom) too seriously.
On the plus side, I have to give credit for being well written and having a central idea that doesn't take itself (or the fandom) too seriously.
Genre: Close Encounters Of The Meta Kind
Thoughts: Between Lyra being curious about humans, and the human being a card-carrying Brony stereotype, and the meeting at a spaghettiincident place... the meta is strong with this one, and I believe the intent here is pretty clearly toward comedy.
But I would submit that some of the best comedy tends to bring either a roundabout depth to its message, or sufficient absurdity to to make the reader put their nitpicks aside. And while I don't want to be discouraging, I fear this doesn't do either of those things for me. I don't see a takeaway other than that Lyra should leave well enough alone, and while I can acknowledge the stereotypes being invoked here, I feel like they're being played too straight to count as absurdity per se. And I say that from the perspective of having aimed at cringe absurdity with a story last year that backfired because it hewed too close to reality to do much more than remind people of that reality. (That story eventually cleaned up alright, but it was completely unrecognizable by the end.)
I'd say that this is a structurally functional beginning for a sendup of various fandom tropes and stereotypes (somewhat echoing >>Winston). What it needs IMO is to venture out on its own a little more, leaning less on the intrinsic (or not) humor of the most established tropes and giving us more of its own message.
Tier: Needs Work
Thoughts: Between Lyra being curious about humans, and the human being a card-carrying Brony stereotype, and the meeting at a spaghetti
But I would submit that some of the best comedy tends to bring either a roundabout depth to its message, or sufficient absurdity to to make the reader put their nitpicks aside. And while I don't want to be discouraging, I fear this doesn't do either of those things for me. I don't see a takeaway other than that Lyra should leave well enough alone, and while I can acknowledge the stereotypes being invoked here, I feel like they're being played too straight to count as absurdity per se. And I say that from the perspective of having aimed at cringe absurdity with a story last year that backfired because it hewed too close to reality to do much more than remind people of that reality. (That story eventually cleaned up alright, but it was completely unrecognizable by the end.)
I'd say that this is a structurally functional beginning for a sendup of various fandom tropes and stereotypes (somewhat echoing >>Winston). What it needs IMO is to venture out on its own a little more, leaning less on the intrinsic (or not) humor of the most established tropes and giving us more of its own message.
Tier: Needs Work
I'm just going to echo the thoughts that have already been shared above. I smirked and I smiled, but I don't think the story will last too long in my memory. Well written, but probably a tad too meta for my tastes. Thanks for sharing your work, and I'm sorry I don't have anything more constructive to give you in return.
Oof, the Brony Stereotype really sours this for me. It's viscerally unpleasant, and it's too easy for it to be twisted into seriousness, and I'm not sure I want to try to really pick this apart. (I can see why some of the audience considers it playful self-deprecation, but I think that overstays its welcome really easily.)
That opening in medias res is fantastic, but the line after it puts me on edge that it's going to be another one of Those Stories, and the rest, while competently written, doesn't redeem it from its premise. I think this has been done to death already, and this doesn't add anything of significant value to the pile.
One thing seems like a massive plot hole: why do the visitors supposedly always wander into the Everfree forest? If they're presumed to have a nerd-stereotype encyclopedic knowledge of the show, they'd know how dangerous it is, and no other explanation is visible. Alternatively, if this is meant to imply something more sinister, it's completely out of tone with the rest of the story.
Was it a migraine? No, it couldn’t be a migraine. Those types of headaches occurred for no adequately explained reason.
That opening in medias res is fantastic, but the line after it puts me on edge that it's going to be another one of Those Stories, and the rest, while competently written, doesn't redeem it from its premise. I think this has been done to death already, and this doesn't add anything of significant value to the pile.
One thing seems like a massive plot hole: why do the visitors supposedly always wander into the Everfree forest? If they're presumed to have a nerd-stereotype encyclopedic knowledge of the show, they'd know how dangerous it is, and no other explanation is visible. Alternatively, if this is meant to imply something more sinister, it's completely out of tone with the rest of the story.
The descriptions of Lyra's pain and suffering are great. I really like this bit:
Unfortunately, this is about the only truly well-done thing in the fic. I think the basic idea, of a pony getting confused/weirded out by creepy stereotypical bronies, is old hat at this point; and the story doesn't do anything more interesting with it, or put any original spin on it. Though I wish I could rank this higher because any story that skewers the Lyra/Bon-Bon ship gets bonus points in my book :]
Was her head going to explode like a pumpkin stuffed with lit fireworks? It felt like it. The sound of its nasally voice clawed at the back of her eyes as she looked behind him toward the window and into the night sky. She hoped for a miracle.
Unfortunately, this is about the only truly well-done thing in the fic. I think the basic idea, of a pony getting confused/weirded out by creepy stereotypical bronies, is old hat at this point; and the story doesn't do anything more interesting with it, or put any original spin on it. Though I wish I could rank this higher because any story that skewers the Lyra/Bon-Bon ship gets bonus points in my book :]
Decently well-written, vague smile worthy skewering of fandom stuff, though, at the same time, it does sort of try to have its cake and eat it too with an at least fandom tangential presentation of Lyra while simultaneously skewering the ship.
That said, ehhhhh... this one feels a little more mean-spirited than I generally like for this sort of mockery (really it's in the going after the physical qualities), and it honestly feels like Lyra doesn't really learn her lesson at all either, despite Bon Bon presenting it on a silver platter.
That said, ehhhhh... this one feels a little more mean-spirited than I generally like for this sort of mockery (really it's in the going after the physical qualities), and it honestly feels like Lyra doesn't really learn her lesson at all either, despite Bon Bon presenting it on a silver platter.
There are some good bits (I especially appreciate the "spaghetti incident" part, though I admit that I didn't pick up on it until I read >>CoffeeMinion's comment), but it is a bit too cringy for me, and it doesn't really do enough with its premise to redeem itself.
And John should really be smart enough to at least realize that Lyra shouldn't know anything about Equestria Girls.
>>Light_Striker
I assume that they always wander into the Everfree Forest because HiE stories almost always involve the human ending up there at some point. Admittedly, they do usually start out in the Everfree Forest and then find their way out of it and into Ponyville pretty quickly, but I think it's still enough of a cliche to make this a workable use of it.
And John should really be smart enough to at least realize that Lyra shouldn't know anything about Equestria Girls.
>>Light_Striker
I assume that they always wander into the Everfree Forest because HiE stories almost always involve the human ending up there at some point. Admittedly, they do usually start out in the Everfree Forest and then find their way out of it and into Ponyville pretty quickly, but I think it's still enough of a cliche to make this a workable use of it.
The story doesn't follow from the premise. Lyra is curious about strange creatures, but suddenly isn't interested, and then annoyed at the human's own curiosity. That doesn't make sense. The meta nature should be funny, but Lyra reacts logically, killing any comedy potential. It just doesn't work for me, and feels like the author had a scenario in mind, but couldn't really get a true story out of it.
Uff. I, too, must join the "not a fan of cringe humor, too mean spirited for me" bandwagon. There's not much of a story here. The intro points to Lyra, then the rest of the text focuses on the human. Doesn't succeed at either comedy or drama.
I wish I had some more constructive things to offer here, but I just don't understand where the author was going with this other than "ha ha, dumb pony fans!" And to that... all I can say is don't do that? Thank you for writing, though.
I wish I had some more constructive things to offer here, but I just don't understand where the author was going with this other than "ha ha, dumb pony fans!" And to that... all I can say is don't do that? Thank you for writing, though.