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Just Ignore It
“Twilight,” Spike called, walking down the stairs to the lab. “What’s that noise?”
“Spike,” Twilight hissed. “Don’t mention it and it’ll go away. Trust me, you want it to go away.”
“Twilight, it’s just a buzzing noise. What even causing it, anyway?”
“I taught you better than that, Spike. Nothing is ever 'just' something. And in this case, that’s the sound of two demon lords talking about the best way to kill us.”
Spike raised his eyebrow. “Really, Twilight? Demon lords? You’re the one who just last week was saying demons don’t exist.”
“Yes, and two days ago I discovered I was wrong. Demons do exist, Spike, and they’re here to enslave us all.”
“Uh huh, and where are these demons?”
“Over there.” Twilight nodded to her left. “By the centrifuge.”
“Twilight,” Spike said, looking where she had indicated. “There’s nothing there.”
“Look through these,” she said, and handed him binoculars.
“There’s nothing there but two bugs. Now this is getting really old, just turn off the noise and let me go back to sleep.”
“Spike, those bugs ARE the demon lords,” she whispered furiously.
“And you know this... how?”
“I was moving some boxes around when I found a hidden compartment with a book inside,” she began.
“There are a lot of those in this place,” Spike interjected.
Twilight cleared her throat. “As I was saying, I read the book, because, well, who wouldn't?”
“Me.”
“Oh, hush. Turns out it was a book on necromancy. And I tried some one of the rituals.”
“So that’s why the fire alarm system went off .”
“Yes, exactly. Now, these demons came through the portal the ritual had opened and started attacking me. After I was able to hide, they just set down there and have been buzzing ever since.”
“And you know for sure these are demons and not just scared bugs?”
“Yes,” Twilight said with a serious expression..
“Couldn't we just, you know, banish them to Tartarus or something?” Spike said. “Isn't that what they did in the time of Starswirl?”
“Huh. I hadn't thought of that. Yes, that would work. Wait a second, I don't know how.”
“Well, what did Starswirl do when he banished monsters?”
“He cast a spell that brought them to a new dimension, but you have to know the precise space-time coordinates to do that. We don’t even have a representation system for the fourth dimension, Starswirl had to go there to find out. And I've never been to Tartarus.”
“Didn't someone once use fire to make some sort of connection between Equestria and Tartarus?” Spike asked.
“Yes, that did happen once. But we would need flame in excess of 12,000 degrees Cantergrade to warp space-time like that.”
“What about my Dragon Fire?”
“Sorry, Spike. But your Dragon Fire is only 1,500 degrees Cantergrade”
“Well, they don’t seem to be doing much harm. What if we just ignored them?”
Twilight thought about it for a minute before responding. “Yeah, yeah we could.”
“Spike,” Twilight hissed. “Don’t mention it and it’ll go away. Trust me, you want it to go away.”
“Twilight, it’s just a buzzing noise. What even causing it, anyway?”
“I taught you better than that, Spike. Nothing is ever 'just' something. And in this case, that’s the sound of two demon lords talking about the best way to kill us.”
Spike raised his eyebrow. “Really, Twilight? Demon lords? You’re the one who just last week was saying demons don’t exist.”
“Yes, and two days ago I discovered I was wrong. Demons do exist, Spike, and they’re here to enslave us all.”
“Uh huh, and where are these demons?”
“Over there.” Twilight nodded to her left. “By the centrifuge.”
“Twilight,” Spike said, looking where she had indicated. “There’s nothing there.”
“Look through these,” she said, and handed him binoculars.
“There’s nothing there but two bugs. Now this is getting really old, just turn off the noise and let me go back to sleep.”
“Spike, those bugs ARE the demon lords,” she whispered furiously.
“And you know this... how?”
“I was moving some boxes around when I found a hidden compartment with a book inside,” she began.
“There are a lot of those in this place,” Spike interjected.
Twilight cleared her throat. “As I was saying, I read the book, because, well, who wouldn't?”
“Me.”
“Oh, hush. Turns out it was a book on necromancy. And I tried some one of the rituals.”
“So that’s why the fire alarm system went off .”
“Yes, exactly. Now, these demons came through the portal the ritual had opened and started attacking me. After I was able to hide, they just set down there and have been buzzing ever since.”
“And you know for sure these are demons and not just scared bugs?”
“Yes,” Twilight said with a serious expression..
“Couldn't we just, you know, banish them to Tartarus or something?” Spike said. “Isn't that what they did in the time of Starswirl?”
“Huh. I hadn't thought of that. Yes, that would work. Wait a second, I don't know how.”
“Well, what did Starswirl do when he banished monsters?”
“He cast a spell that brought them to a new dimension, but you have to know the precise space-time coordinates to do that. We don’t even have a representation system for the fourth dimension, Starswirl had to go there to find out. And I've never been to Tartarus.”
“Didn't someone once use fire to make some sort of connection between Equestria and Tartarus?” Spike asked.
“Yes, that did happen once. But we would need flame in excess of 12,000 degrees Cantergrade to warp space-time like that.”
“What about my Dragon Fire?”
“Sorry, Spike. But your Dragon Fire is only 1,500 degrees Cantergrade”
“Well, they don’t seem to be doing much harm. What if we just ignored them?”
Twilight thought about it for a minute before responding. “Yeah, yeah we could.”
There’s some quality dialogue here, but the story falls flat for me. I am not sure if Twilight is supposed to be right about the demonic visitation, in which case she wouldn’t agree so readily to ignore them at the end, or if she’s supposed to be hallucinating, in which case I’d expect Spike to be more concerned about her mental health. Thus, what is likely supposed to be a punchline at the end doesn’t work for me.
Hmm, nice premise but weird execution and doesn't really go anywhere. Several annoying textual errors. (And "Cantergrade" is not my favorite construction, sorry.)
Why doesn't Twilight just squash the demon bugs flat? Why did a powerful and talented mage hide from the demons and let them just get away? Surely she can't have known that they were going to just sit there. What happened to the coordinates to Tartarus; why aren't they in the royal archives or something? There's a lot of stuff missing, and it feels like the arc ends halfway through. It could be made to work with significant reworking of the details, maybe.
Why doesn't Twilight just squash the demon bugs flat? Why did a powerful and talented mage hide from the demons and let them just get away? Surely she can't have known that they were going to just sit there. What happened to the coordinates to Tartarus; why aren't they in the royal archives or something? There's a lot of stuff missing, and it feels like the arc ends halfway through. It could be made to work with significant reworking of the details, maybe.
I'll laszily echo what the others have said. This isn't really going somewhere and there isn't much to get from the story. However, the premise is still interesting so expand it and aim for something, you'll then certainly have a funny comedy.
This... might work better if it weren't Twilight. She's lectured Spike about misusing dark magic (specifically in book form) before. So, why she'd fool around with it haphazardly is a mystery. The other issue is all she has to do is ask someone who knows how to get rid of the demons and considering her connections that's a letter or two away.
This would probably work better as a Trixie story due to her lack of knowledge on non show biz magic. She would make a mistake like this and might also be more willing to just ignore the problem until say Starlight shows up and is like WTF Trixie.
On the plus side it does have some nice lines and character interplay so that's good.
This would probably work better as a Trixie story due to her lack of knowledge on non show biz magic. She would make a mistake like this and might also be more willing to just ignore the problem until say Starlight shows up and is like WTF Trixie.
On the plus side it does have some nice lines and character interplay so that's good.
This reads like the central exchange of a potentially funny scene, but one that's lacking the contextual setup needed to really land the humour. What's missing is some silly reason as to why Twilight is behaving the way she is (and making potentially daft assumptions), and which can tie in with the punchline at the end. Without it, you have a scene that raises a few smiles, but feels incomplete and disconnected as a whole. I did enjoy seeing a little more of Spike as a deadpan foil for Twilight's more eccentric moments though, especially his response to the reading a book comment. Made me chuckle, that.
The building is mostly complete; you've just got to give it some foundations.
Thanks for sharing your work.
The building is mostly complete; you've just got to give it some foundations.
Thanks for sharing your work.
So... are the bugs really demon lords or not? How exactly have they 'attacked' Twilight? (Must've been something serious, because I really don't think Twilight is the kind of a character who would slip into paranoia because a bug flew at her.) This story just kind of flops about in circles without ever actually doing anything with the premise.
In fact, while it's probably meant to be a comedy, it doesn't even try to be humorous; there are maybe two, three lines tops which contain (very mild) attempts at jokes, and the rest is just Twilight matter-of-factly describing demon banishing techniques.
In fact, while it's probably meant to be a comedy, it doesn't even try to be humorous; there are maybe two, three lines tops which contain (very mild) attempts at jokes, and the rest is just Twilight matter-of-factly describing demon banishing techniques.
This starts off with a pretty strong hook, and I had high hopes by the middle that this would be some great comedy. But then it seems to lose its way and meander through to a rather banal ending. The extra explanations about what to do and what would or would not work don't really add to the story, and come across as a discussion that's not very realistic (no one talks that way.)
Lastly, the end is literally a repeat of the beginning. Twilight says to ignore it, spike questions what to do about it and says "why don't we ignore it" and Twilight says okay. But she'd already told him to do that in the first place.
Lastly, the end is literally a repeat of the beginning. Twilight says to ignore it, spike questions what to do about it and says "why don't we ignore it" and Twilight says okay. But she'd already told him to do that in the first place.
Seriously, there is a lot of whack comedy this round on my slate.
I don't actually have much to add to the above commentary. This is largely a by the numbers comedy through absurdity style story. A lot like Twilight's First Night, it is sufficient, but doesn't really do anything that endears me to it beyond the moment I read it. The dialogue has a few nice beats and that's... mostly it, really. Honestly, this is kind of the "don't mind the squid" gag from a few Discworld books, except blown up to minific length rather than just being a couple sentences.
It also has a bit of a problem in that I'm not sure if the bug thing is actually supposed to be the key joke and Twi is just hella overreacting. The text doesn't actually seem to particularly clarify that point, making the choice of leaving them as bugs really bizarre.
It either needs to punch harder or have something else backing it.
I don't actually have much to add to the above commentary. This is largely a by the numbers comedy through absurdity style story. A lot like Twilight's First Night, it is sufficient, but doesn't really do anything that endears me to it beyond the moment I read it. The dialogue has a few nice beats and that's... mostly it, really. Honestly, this is kind of the "don't mind the squid" gag from a few Discworld books, except blown up to minific length rather than just being a couple sentences.
It also has a bit of a problem in that I'm not sure if the bug thing is actually supposed to be the key joke and Twi is just hella overreacting. The text doesn't actually seem to particularly clarify that point, making the choice of leaving them as bugs really bizarre.
It either needs to punch harder or have something else backing it.
A very dialogue-heavy and somewhat absurd comedy? If I didn't know better, I would suspect that I wrote this. (Which of course means that I have to guess it was actually FrontSevens ;P )
All this is really missing is a strong punchline. As others have said, the comedy is a little weak, but it would be perfectly fine if it just had a nice, solid punchline it was building up to. Personally, I would have gone with Spike and Twilight finding a way to "banish" the demons to Celestia's castle or the human world (which is where I thought this was going when they talked about Starswirl banishing monsters), or possibly just telling Starlight to deal with them as her next friendship assignment.
And >>Misternick is definitely right about the story working better with Trixie. In fact, that would have let you mostly keep the ending. Just have Trixie convince Spike (or whoever's replacing him) to ignore the demons and leave the castle and let Twilight deal with them on her own.
All this is really missing is a strong punchline. As others have said, the comedy is a little weak, but it would be perfectly fine if it just had a nice, solid punchline it was building up to. Personally, I would have gone with Spike and Twilight finding a way to "banish" the demons to Celestia's castle or the human world (which is where I thought this was going when they talked about Starswirl banishing monsters), or possibly just telling Starlight to deal with them as her next friendship assignment.
And >>Misternick is definitely right about the story working better with Trixie. In fact, that would have let you mostly keep the ending. Just have Trixie convince Spike (or whoever's replacing him) to ignore the demons and leave the castle and let Twilight deal with them on her own.
Previous comments cover this well, and generously. I can't ignore the feeling I get here of "couldn't think of anything good for the prompt, let's just run with a literal interpretation and try to make some jokes to get *something* written and submitted."
>>JudgeDeadd
Yeah, I'm with this more than anything.
The concept of tiny buzzing demons reminds me of Larry Niven's Convergent Series; I wonder if the author has read that? Doesn't seem to be freely available anywhere, alas, or I'd link it as an example of how to take this concept and make it into a narrative. As is, this doesn't go anywhere or do much that's effective for me, but I feel the author intensely - that's just how it goes with minis sometimes. Thanks for writing, don't be discouraged!
>>JudgeDeadd
Yeah, I'm with this more than anything.
The concept of tiny buzzing demons reminds me of Larry Niven's Convergent Series; I wonder if the author has read that? Doesn't seem to be freely available anywhere, alas, or I'd link it as an example of how to take this concept and make it into a narrative. As is, this doesn't go anywhere or do much that's effective for me, but I feel the author intensely - that's just how it goes with minis sometimes. Thanks for writing, don't be discouraged!
Let me start out by saying that I have plans to expand this, play with the characters a bit, and then eventually get it over to Fimfiction... eventually. And thank you all for your wonderful feedback!
>>GroaningGreyAgony
I wasn't really sure, I kinda left that open to the reader's interpretation. However, I have since then realized the mistake with doing so. Hopefully, it will be fixed when I expand this.
>>Light_Striker
I meant it to be Season 1 Twilight, the one who broke into the Canterlot Archives, thought Celestia was gonna banish her for missing one assignment, and wasn't quite that skilled yet. But I don't think I conveyed that very well. So, I'll try to fix when I expand this.
Also, I couldn't think of anything for "Fahrenheit" at the time, nor "Celsius," so I went with "Centigrade." Which of these would you have liked more and how would you have done them?
>>Fenton
I intend to!
>>Misternick
True. But again, I meant it to be a Season 1 TwiTwi, who wasn't that experienced yet. And I thought about putting in something about not believing in curses, but that didn't fit. Anyway, I shall definitely take your Trixie suggestion to heart!
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
I at least succeeded in getting one chuckle, so thanks. Will expand it soon.
>>JudgeDeadd
I have no clue! As said above, I left it open to the reader, one of my larger mistakes. And it will be expanded.
>>Xepher
Hopefully, this will be fixed when I expand.
>>AndrewRogue
To be honest, I have no clue what a Discworld book is. But hopefully, your complaints will be fixed when I expand upon the story.
>>The_Letter_J
And you would be wrong! You and FrontSevens are clearly better authors than me. And I will take your suggestions to heart.
>>Ranmilia
Yeah, previous commenters just about summed it up. And I've never even heard of the Convergent Series, so that it reminds you of it is interesting. In fact, this is one of the few stories I've written where it isn't based on something else.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
I wasn't really sure, I kinda left that open to the reader's interpretation. However, I have since then realized the mistake with doing so. Hopefully, it will be fixed when I expand this.
>>Light_Striker
I meant it to be Season 1 Twilight, the one who broke into the Canterlot Archives, thought Celestia was gonna banish her for missing one assignment, and wasn't quite that skilled yet. But I don't think I conveyed that very well. So, I'll try to fix when I expand this.
Also, I couldn't think of anything for "Fahrenheit" at the time, nor "Celsius," so I went with "Centigrade." Which of these would you have liked more and how would you have done them?
>>Fenton
I intend to!
>>Misternick
True. But again, I meant it to be a Season 1 TwiTwi, who wasn't that experienced yet. And I thought about putting in something about not believing in curses, but that didn't fit. Anyway, I shall definitely take your Trixie suggestion to heart!
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
I at least succeeded in getting one chuckle, so thanks. Will expand it soon.
>>JudgeDeadd
I have no clue! As said above, I left it open to the reader, one of my larger mistakes. And it will be expanded.
>>Xepher
Hopefully, this will be fixed when I expand.
>>AndrewRogue
To be honest, I have no clue what a Discworld book is. But hopefully, your complaints will be fixed when I expand upon the story.
>>The_Letter_J
And you would be wrong! You and FrontSevens are clearly better authors than me. And I will take your suggestions to heart.
>>Ranmilia
Yeah, previous commenters just about summed it up. And I've never even heard of the Convergent Series, so that it reminds you of it is interesting. In fact, this is one of the few stories I've written where it isn't based on something else.